Newfie time.

I'm sitting here on Debra's bed, re-reading this journal as has become somewhat of a New Year's tradition for me. I am awed and amazed at the changes in me during the past two years. Although I was warned, I do regret getting rid of those old journals. Now that would be some entertaining reading. Anyway, I realized that I write here when something emotional is going on with me and I want to work it out. Which is absolutely the reason for this book and this process but I leave out so many details of what happens in my life.

So here is a review of 2005:

Where to start? Maybe January, huh? ;) In January I stopped going to physiotherapy and started chiropractic treatment for my tennis butt. The results have been absolutely amazing. Where the physio guy advised rest and minimal amounts of movement, Dave said move as much as possible. Stretch, bend, run, jump, move. And he worked on the muscle tissue around the joint and said that was why it was popping back out so easily. And now, and I say this after a great deal of pain during the past two weeks of my vacation (strained it while packing), it rarely gives me trouble.

I completed my very first Vancouver Sun Run in April. I placed somewhere in the middle of 50,000 people so I was pretty proud. I have started and stopped training a dozen times since but I'm looking forward to getting home and getting serious about it again.

What other highlights? I saw Duran Duran in concert fulfilling a lifelong dream. It was pretty awesome. I went bungee jumping in July. That was crazy awesome and a real turning point in my life. Getting off that bridge was the most difficult and exciting thing I have ever done and it really gave me a confidence in myself and my capabilities that I never had before. A week later I went wake boarding and a couple of days after that I quit smoking for the very last time.

Another major change was my work. I stopped doing everything except Joe's and finally realized how stressed and pulled in every possible direction I was. And it had turned me into a bitch. Now I can work 40 or 60 hours a week but when I leave work I leave work. No guilt, no hiding, no more being constantly overwhelmed. And I have more money than ever. I cut back on all of my expenses, got a new mortgage with Joe, paid off all of my credit cards, got a will and p.o.a., a safe deposit box, life insurance! My to-do list is finally getting cut down after all of these years.

I stopped being a yes girl with work and life. I now feel more generous and giving than ever before because I give on my terms, not because of guilt or pressure. My relationships have blossomed with Stacey and Sue. I'm working on Cathy but that might be a full entry. I made a difference in Sheena's life and earned the trust and respect of her friends. That has been very rewarding and I feel that I have made a positive impact on her future. I really do need to make more of an effort to spend time with her now that I have changed offices. And I need to make more of a point to see my boys, too, because I really miss them and they are aging and I want them to feel loved and cherished.

There are still ongoing struggles with the men (or lack of!) in my life. That one has been a common theme for most of my 34 years. And will probably continue for a while yet but, as I said before, even if I spent the rest of my life alone, the sacrifice was worth it and I will survive and be happy. I feel whole. I like my brain. I like my heart and I like the reflection in the mirror.

What a year! Now I should go celebrate with my family.

I think I might have hit the nail on the head with that too gushy talk. I think that might be it. I just over did it and kept telling someone how wonderful they are without ever giving them a chance to be wonderful. And the only people that attracted was low self-esteemers like Karl and Fabe. So I'm practising not.

Another thing that clicked with week is I finally thought - what the hell am I waiting for? I have spent most of my life waiting for my life to start. Guess what? Pretty much half over already.

I'm tired and want to write more than I'm capable of. I guess I'll have to get back to ya!

Well, yesterday my attitude was fuck them all, who needs a man? I was going to put away my porn and other sexual devises and wait for the sexual urges to go away and live in peace and happiness.

And today that stupid little optimist inside me said back up. Mom always said that I would cut off my nose to spite my face and I know it's true. And maybe someday, somewhere, somehow someone will love me and it won't be work or painful or frustrating.

But I'm obviously doing something wrong. Boys just don't like me. I know it's not because I'm fat because I get rejected by people who've never even seen me. Over and over, same old song and dance. For a lifetime. I have to be doing something wrong. Do I come on too strong? My version of flirting is super-duper sometimes over the top gushing flattery. Maybe that's where I should start. But how? It's 34 years of being who I am. I'm missing something somewhere but what? And where?

So, yeah, it's been a frustrating day. I mean, I love this new brain and I love knowing that the frustrations and problems are temporary. I just wish I could turn it off sometimes, you know? Just that whole male/female, why doesn't he like me, am I not good enough crap. I know I'm good enough. I know that if someone doesn't like me it's not personal and that there could be nothing between us anyway. I know that the past is past is past.

But it's frustrating that everything is always so hard. Why am I the only one with no one to love me? And not getting married? And not having kids? And I don't even want those things. So WHY am I so different and everything is a struggle?

I know I always get emotional at the weekend of my period. Maybe that's all it is. Otherwise I'm okay with it all. Or I can push it away, at least. But I'm lonely. I want to be in a relationship. There - I said it. But most of all I just want to turn the emotions off and go climb under something. But I can't do that anymore. The down side of this medication is that I have to deal with stuff instead of sleeping for a week. So maybe I'm really not ready to get involved anyway. Not that I have a choice.

I don't know. I just don't.

MOTHER FUCKER! What is wrong with me? Now that I have a "normal" mind I thought this would stop. I HATE men. If I wasn't so fucking horny I would see no use for them whatsoever. I want to stop. WHAT THE FUCK HAVE THEY EVER DONE FOR ME? EVERY SINGLE FUCKING ONE OF THE CREATES NOTHING BUT TROUBLE. Can't I turn this off? Can't I just swear off men forever and just be fucking happy for while? FUCK!!

It's so sad. So embarrassing, really. How is it, after all of this time, that I still consider him a viable option? In the three and a half years that I have known him it's been game after game after game. But I don't want to play anymore. I want to let go and move on. Why can't I let go? I jumped off the bridge, I quit smoking. I can convince myself of anything. And it's time to start working on de-faberizing once and for all. Sadly, I'm so brave until he gives me a snippet of attention and fans the eternal flame of home. Mutherfucker.

Well, here's an interesting story. I decided to move on - as you can see by the last entry. And Rebecca mailed her "I found you a man" message - funny. And then I met this guy - a DHL tech - and get an instant crush. I was so excited to have a crush, to have broken the spell.

And the very next day - yesterday - he called. Fucker! He's got this weird sixth sense or something. Pisses me off. And, of course, I'm picking out rings and picking first dance songs and all we did was talk for half an hour. But he was Fabian. Fabe. You know? And I'm a little drunk so I'm gonna go karaoke. Cheers!

HE DOESN'T WANT YOU, BEVERLY

LET GO AND FIND SOMEONE WHO DOES!

FOR FUCK'S SAKE ALREADY

It's almost seven months. Seven months! And still I lie here awake and wonder what I could do or say to get him back. What made me actually pull out the pen was that I started thinking about the book that I bought for his birthday and how much trouble I went through to get it. And he knew. And I was thinking that I was okay during the good times - I obviously tried to make him happy. I just didn't know what to do when that didn't work. If anyone in this world that could understand that, it should be him. And I wonder if he's with someone new. A big part of me really hopes that he is so I'll know that I didn't totally fuck him up. Although I don't want to know if he is. It surprises me but I just don't want to know. Is it that I just don't want to let go? Because, seriously, I need a pepto every time I think of it. And that part of me that doesn't want to know, that glimmer of hope that someday out of the blue, he'll call, still says a silent prayer every fucking time the phone rings or I check my email.

Seven months ago I was saying why would I want to be with this guy, he's not the one for me so why should I even bother. And tonight I'm lying here thinking that I wish I could just erase it all from his memory and start with a clean slate. And who knows? Maybe some day, some year it will be him and I will get a chance. Or maybe all this means that better things are right around the corner.

Well, I'm sitting here by the phone, waiting for him to call. Well, literally, I am by the phone but - and I do want him to call - I'm not desperate for it. Just trying to have faith that he will call and hope that it's not too late.

It's funny, though. I'm not afraid to give, I'm not afraid to bear my soul to him, I'm not afraid to let him inside. Is it because I don't think he'll want to? Or is it because, just by recognizing that all I have held back, I will now be able to give it?

What I don't know is what to do or say to make him forgive me. How do I get him to trust in me again? Is that even possible? The funny thing is also that, even if he is with someone else, I think he will eventually recognize that we belong together.

Just call, Fabian. Just call.

So, if the silver lining of the horse accident was that it made me hit rock bottom and straighten my life out, then maybe the silver lining in this one is that it will bring Fabian back to me. Or at least take me off his black-ball list and open a window.

He called yesterday. Of course, I have us walking down the aisle (so to speak! so to speak!) and he wouldn't talk about anything but the accident. But, like a said, a window.

And here's another interesting thing that I've been thinking about. I honestly had no idea that I had so many issues with my mother but a new one came to light yesterday.

I called to tell her about the accident. I'm talking away and I could tell she was barely listening. And then she's like "well I should go and cook breakfast for your father". I spent the whole night waiting for it to be a time that I could call home and that's what I get. About 10 minutes of her distracted conversation and then nothing. And I could say well, really, the accident wasn't that bad. No one was seriously injured and yes, we were very lucky that it turned out as it did. But she always does this. She always has. Even, I remember when Dave and I had the bike accident, a few days later I had a lot of back pain and I could barely breathe. I was so scared. But she said to dad 'you take her to the emergency room because I'm cooking supper.

I remember when I was younger, before Debra and I would be so excited about something and waiting all day for her to finally come home from work and when she did I would run and greet her at the door and she'd tell me to leave her alone for a while. I knew she worked hard and was tired but I was a little kid! And things like that happened often. I started doing everything I could to make her happy, to make her life easier. Obviously I was a kid and not an angel but all the babysitting and housework. And if I didn't want to, she'd just start in on the guilt trip. And when I would go to her for a hug - I was near suicidal as a teenager for christ sake - she always ALWAYS pulled away first, before I was ready. No wonder I have spent my adult years wanting to reach out for a hug but never doing so. And the couple of times that Fabian make me stay and cry. I pulled away first. Not because I was ready to but because I felt like I was - I don't know - inconveniencing him or something.

And yesterday was the first time that I really thought 'you know, that hurt me and it's always hurt me'. I feel myself reaching out to her less and less. And less. I won't talk to her about it at all because she'll pull a Verlie Winter and I really have no time or patience for that. She has gone from the being my world to being my irriation. And that's sad. But what's really sad is that I don't even care anymore. And I mean it's really sad for her because she's losing me.

Oh, the irony of it all! I was in a car accident tonight - last night, I guess. Fuckin' bitch! Just t-boned me when she went through a red light. How inconsiderate of me to interrupt her phone conversation.

Anyway, that was just after 5pm. So I came home... oh yeah, I forgot to mention that she slammed into my door and my head bounced off the window. So I came home in a bit of pain. Neck, shoulder, head, nice red blotch all down my face (which will probably turn a lovely shade of purple). Couldn't sleep - as seems to be the norm for me in these situations. What a fucking bitch! So I got a little upset and called Fabian. His phone was off but I left a message and he hasn't replied.

Anyway, the irony that I began with is that I'm finally reaching out. After all of this time, I finally needed him and turned to him. But it's too late. He's gone.

And I can't sleep. Fucking bitch!

It's kind of funny - and yet kind of sad - but I'm still waiting for him to contact me. I'm pretty sure he won't because his responses to me since we broke up the last time have been different. But there is this glimmer of hope that has yet to fade away. I periodically dream that he emails me back and it drives me crazy because I have such hope when I check my email for the first time that day. And sometimes when I imagine him he's saying I love you and sometimes he's saying leave me alone.

But I have this amazing patience about the whole deal. It's very weird. I know that I am waiting for him and he will either contact me and all will be fine or he won't and the hope will eventually just peter out. And that's okay. I love this version of me and I know that whatever happens will work out for the best.

Okay, so that was Saturday night and still no response. Not that I honestly expected one, I just felt that I needed to lay it all out there or I'd never know.

I am going to step back like I said I would and trust him to make the right decision. And if his decision is to be without me - and who could blame him, quite frankly - then I will respect that. And I will know that he's not the one that I should be with.

I have an itchy suspicion that something isn't right with him, though. I hope I am wrong. I hope he's with someone else and happy. It's odd maybe that I should feel that way but I really want him to have someone who loves him, who will get him to open his heart. I don't want to see it, I don't want to hear about it, I just hope for it.

This is the email that I sent last night at 9:30.

"The Fabe: So, I went all boo-hoo on you a couple of weeks ago and spilled all of these words all over you and I bet that you were thinking that nothing was new, nothing had changed, you had been here before and you had no interest in being here again. But, you know, this is just my supposition. I really don't know what you were thinking or feeling because I haven't been in your life for six months. And I would like to point out that the same goes for what you know about me so, please, just lend me your eyes for a little bit and then I will back away and let you take the next step in whatever direction you choose.

Because I love you, Fabian. Whatever you think or feel about me, know that I love you and that has never stopped for a minute. But, obviously, that's not enough. If it was, I wouldn't be here and you wouldn't be there. It's not enough, but it's a start.

I realize that you hold very little respect for my depression problems of days long gone and my subsequent medication. And I'm okay with that because, even if those pills are just coated candy and it's all a total scam, they are working. I am different and I am happy and that's all I need to know. What I need you to know is how they have changed me and how I am dealing with that.

I used to live my life in a series of very high ups and very low downs. You met me during a high, confident in myself and my life. But you also saw the downs because that was when I would cry all of the time and push you away. And I know now that the times that I pushed you away was a reaction to the downs, not to you personally. I pushed everything away during the downs - I changed jobs, provinces, friends, homes - but I still would get down. That was how I finally realized that it wasn't where I worked or lived that was the problem. It was something in me.

But here's the problem. For the better part of 20 years I dealt with things in a certain way, then all of a sudden the downs were gone. What I didn't realize while I was pushing away all of those things is that I didn't develop beyond there. It's like I would be up and go to step one and then step two and then step three and I would be down again. I never learned step four or five. For example, last year I very easily lost 30 pounds. Now, I have lost 30 pounds at least four times in my adult life but then I would hit a down and gain it all back - and then some. So last year I lost 30 pounds and stopped. I didn't gain it back because there was no down but I couldn't figure out how to get to step four, I couldn't easily get beyond where I had been before. But I'm happy to say that I am now on step five or whatever (it's an analogy - back off!! ;-))

And then there is you. I don't know if you realize this but the way that I have dealt with you over the past three years is how I have dealt with every man that I have cared about: the break up and getting back together over and over. But I never got to step four. You wonder how I can be friends with my ex's? It's because I never got in deep enough to get hurt when it ended. I used to wonder how I kept finding these men who kept me at arm's length but I never realized that the mental patient (that's me!) was the one pushing away.

So, enter last April when Debra was visiting. You would call and I was constantly on the go and didn't always call back. And then you stopped calling. I never once even considered the fact that I could just pick up the phone and say "hey, how's it going?" No, I just did what I always did - pretty much nothing - and when you finally called I said let's stop the cycle. But the problem was that I just didn't know step four... I had never gotten beyond where we were.

And I thought my feelings would fade away and I'd just move on like I always did but they haven't. And, here I am, six months later, saying I don't want to go to step one with someone else. Since the day I met you I haven't wanted anyone else, I only wanted you. I need you in my life. I have always been so self involved that I thought I never ever ever would need a man but I thought needing meant to pay the mortgage or fix the toilet. I was wrong (I know - hard to believe yet somehow true!). I need you to love and to lean on, I need you to show me that maybe you don't always have to take the knives from the left (yeah, you didn't know that one I bet!) and to show me that maybe it's okay when plans change and everything doesn't happy the way I expected it to. And your great big dick helps, too!

So, here I am, asking for one last chance. I really have changed, you know... and not only physically but check this out, I'm way cuter now! (insert pics)

Also, I quit smoking in July, I am FINALLY in control of my finances, I work from 5am to 3pm every day (yes, me - 5am!), I'm nice to small animals, I got my shit together! And the biggest change is that, as scary as it might be, right now I am putting everything that I have always clung to on the line, I am putting my heart out there for you to bruise, crush or embrace and I am trusting that whatever choice you make will be the right one.

So, I don't know your situation now: you might be with someone else, you might hate me, you might just simply be sick of me, but I'm asking you for one more chance. I'm not saying it will be all sunshine and roses and I'm not saying jump back into my life full swing. Just get to know me again. I think you might be glad you did."

My god, I hope my mother never has a

Yeah, let's just let that one lie. It's not worth the chance. ANYWAY!

So, here's the funny thing. I had a major break through today! I was so blown away because it totally makes sense. And it's so simple!

I've been driving myself crazy trying to figure out what it is that makes me break up with those boys. For my whole life, I break up and get back together and break up. And here's what I've come up with. And pay close attention because this is good stuff!

Since I was 15 or so (and maybe that's why the summer that I was 15 stands out as such a turning point in my life - maybe that's when it all really started) I have been battling this depression. I didn't know what it was but I knew there was something. And looking back, I really used to wonder if it was PMS to the extreme but that didn't really make sense because of the timing. (GOD - I AM SO SMART!) But how it was like PMS was that it came in cycles. My world went up and down and up and down; where now it's more consistent.

So, let's say in high school, the cycle was:

I'm okay, I feel good about me
little bit of bickering, I need time alone
there's something wrong
I have to make this hurting stop so where is it coming from
must be a boy because our relationship went for shit
get away from me, you are making me sad
okay now I can feel okay again and get on with it
I feel good about me
let's get back together.

That's the cycle in a nutshell. That's why, after a couple of years, Dave became like "okay, if that's the way you want it, I will leave you alone - talk to you next week". And it would piss me off at the time but he was always right.

And that cycle never stopped. With Paul and with Jeff to a lesser degree, then Karl and then especially Fabian. Obviously, it had to be me - I was the only common denominator. But I was really worried last week because in trying to figure this out I realized that in my mind was that I wanted to be with someone else and then I'd break up. But it wasn't that at all. I would be having a hard time and push the guy away because I need to be alone when I'm sad, then I would go down even further and think it had to be the relationship that was making me sad so that must go and I will find better and life would be perfect. And another reason that I knew it wasn't that I was just a selfish bitch who thought this guy wasn't good enough was because it was the same with everything - whatever was to blame for causing this cycle. Friends, jobs, living situation, family, my fat, my looks, and on and on and on. Because there had to be a reason. I've been crying every day for a week - there has to be a reason! I just didn't find the right reason.

And my "from scratch" theory comes into it, too. Each cycle, on the way up, I would be thinking I have to stop this and this is what the problem is and when I stop it life will be perfect. I can start from scratch and lose weight and get a new job and move to a new place. And all of these things kept me going, kept me occupied and then I could start again. The cycle was me going in circles because I got to a certain point and the world came crashing down again and so on.

Here is my struggle now because this is still evolving. I am having super concentrate teenage years and learning about myself for real at lightning speed.

Solid start from scratch and step one - I would start exercising - yadda, yadda, yadda. But I would get to step three and fall back down to step one. And I never got past step three. So here I am at step four and five and six and I'm lost. I've never been here before and I don't know what I'm supposed to do next. I lost 30 pounds and stopped. I have lost 30 pounds four different times in my adult life - but I have never lost more. That's where it stopped because there would inevitably be a crash

-- fuck, figuring this stuff out is awesome! --

and the eating and self loathing came back and so did the pounds. So last year, chemically enhanced, I lost 30 pounds and stopped. And I kept it off - for the first time ever - but I didn't know where to go next because I never had before. And I tried this and that but nothing seemed to work. And it was quite frustrating. And now I'm pretty sure I figured it out and the weight will fall off naturally. there is no more binging because I don't feel those extremes anymore.

And, so, way back in April when I was feeling a little frustrated with Fabian, and we didn't talk for a little bit - step three - when I got past that, I didn't know where to go next. Because I never had. I could have just called him and said hey, how's it going? But it escalated and I didn't call and he didn't call and all of a sudden two months had passed and all I could think was that this isn't what I want. After three years this is as far as we've come? So I said let's stop the cycle. What I didn't realize was that the cycle had already stopped and what I was having trouble with was how, for the first time in my life, do I get to the next step?

Okay, I'll give you a topic:

"The depression cycle and how it pertains to the men in my life"

Concentrate on the "from scratch" theory.

Talk amongst yourselves!!

So, why doesn't he just call already, do you think? Oh, that's funny! After much moaning and groaning I have decided that the very best thing that I can do to prove (if only to myself) that I have changed is to let him go. I put it out there and if he wants me, now or ever, he will let me know. Chances are slim but I just have to live with the fact that it wasn't meant to be if it wasn't meant to be.

I guess it's just that I can't imagine anyone but him. I guess I'll get over that eventually but I've never felt like this. No matter how much I cared about people before Fabe, alcohol could definitely numb the feelings. But not once since the day I met Fabe have I seriously wanted anyone else.

But how's to say things would be different this time? Admitting the problem is supposed to be the first step to resolving it. Will I be more aware next time I'm with someone and make more of an effort when there's a problem? Or will I just fade away again?

I feel like a recovering alcoholic these days - without the drinking problem! On one hand my mind is constantly trying to figure out why. Why do I keep breaking up with people that I care about? It saddens me to think that it's selfishness and that I think I can to better. Will I ever stay and actually try to make it work?

Also, the AA theory is that you have to face people that you've wronged in the past. I keep thinking of all of the things that my warped mind conjured up, all of the selfishness. It's a little unnerving, to tell the truth. It's like the time that I sat in front of that mirror and thought "holy shit, how did I get so fat?" It's like I've been in my own little world for so long that I'm waking up from someone else's life. Surely that wasn't me?

Here's what I wrote at work this morning - 6:33am

"Sucks. Ah, this sucks. I woke up this morning from a dream that he emailed me back. Some garbled message about him getting up at 14:14:25 and he would meet me after that. Maybe it was the year and not the time! Anyway, obviously no email back. And who can blame him, quite frankly. He would be out of his mind to come back to me. But I put it out there and that's all I can do. I won't regret it. I won't hate myself for laying it all out there and getting my heart crushed. I'm not going back to the old habits and pining away for him. I have a lot of living to do. I still believe in that old Garth Brooks song about unanswered prayers. It just means that there is something better out there waiting for me. I guess I'm really not ready for it but I will be eventually. It's PMS time, anyway, so I can't think that this bummer mood is an accurate meter for how I feel in a couple of days, weeks, years. I guess this week's lesson is patience... haven't quite mastered that one yet."

Sucks, Part II - 12:18pm

"Here are some of today's realizations! (It's so nice to have this head! I love this head!!) So, I have been a very selfish person. That's funny, I always thought that I was kind and nice and laid back and easy going. Damn, was my head buried in the sand? It's interesting - the view that we have of ourselves. And, bit by bit, you allow it, the truth shows it's ugly head. Let's start with selfish. And I don't mean that in a bad way, it's just that I always thought of myself and of how everything pertained to me. I know everyone does that to a certain extent, and there is a large part of self preservation mixed up in this theory but, for the most part, it was all about me. It does amuse me that this whole life strategy that I have been practising lately is actually how I've always lived. And now, after pondering that strategy, I don't really want to live it anymore. I always thought that I did a lot for other people... you know, like how Mom could get me to do anything when I was growing up by guilting me into it? But I never wanted to. I didn't give because I wanted to give of myself... I gave because 1. I thought that was how you get people to love you and 2. because I didn't know how to say no. That second thing kind of reverts back to the first, though, because I think the reason that I couldn't say no was because I thought that whoever I was saying no to wouldn't like me anymore."

Part 3 - 8:33pm

Okay, then I continued into some interesting comparisons to Cathy which I really would like to revisit but right now there's something else. Men. No shit, huh? No, I was lying in bed wondering about the similarities between my relationship - read : ending of - with Dave and Fabe. And Paul to a certain extent. Not Karl, though. I think because Karl was some weird adventure outside of myself. Wait. Karl, sort of, too, yeah. Okay. So almost every single time, only once with Paul and Karl but over and over with Dave and Fabe, what was the reason? It was because I wanted more. Because I felt something was missing. And I truly loved both Dave and Fabe but kept breaking up with them anyway (even after my mental stability drugs). So, what was missing? When looking for a common thread here, I can only come up with one. Me. Did I have fantasy visions of what love was supposed to be due to my extensive reading of romance novels at a young age? Yes. Did I feel like I was missing something very important and I had to go look for it? Yes. So, what was missing? With Karl it was the affection and physical contact but I had that in abundance with Fabe. You know, when it all comes down to it, I think that the true reason can only be one thing. The piano. Ha! Decipher that one, if you will! Okay, let me break it down for you. It means two things.

First of all, when I took piano lessons in grade 6 or 7 I quit very quickly although I really wanted to learn to play. Why? Because I wanted to KNOW how to play - I didn't want to learn! Yes, I figured it would take some effort but actual work? Count me out! I try to stick with things that come naturally. Or, like exercise, things that cause physical pain if I don't do them! So, in relationships, do I walk away? When the going gets tough, do I get going? Omigod, the answer is yes. Big time! In every way, every relationship to some degree. But I thought that a lot of that was just exacerbated by the depression. I truly believe it was because it was my reaction to the problem. And old habits, right? I know right now my main focus needs to be adjusting old habits.

Okay, and my second point about the piano. And this goes hand in hand with my not so flattering comparisons of me and Cathy. When I asked Cathy why she wanted to leave Gerard, do you know what one of her reasons were? Because he had promised her a piano and she didn't get it. So she left. That's called grasping at straws! But it's also called feeling that something is wrong but making very little if no effort to fix it. Hmmm."

Well, I just jumped... took the leap... put myself out there. My heart is pounding but we'll see, we'll see.

I just sent an email asking him to go out for "coffee or come over or something". I'm really putting myself out there. I said "I don't know what it's going to take to get you to give me just one more chance but I really feel the need to try. And I don't want to go out and be all deep or something. I just want to chat and laugh and listen to your stories. I miss you and just want to see you."

And so I'll sit here in front of the computer for a week or so and every time I see and email come in I'll want to throw up. And then I'll cry and probably throw things. And then I'll get up and move on with my life. That's the plan.

Ugh! My stomach is yucky!

So, seriously, how long is this supposed to last, anyway? Maybe I just need to have a good pre-menstral cry or something. But I'm fighting it. It's sexual frustration.

Well, I think it's time I gave poor Fabian a rest. It's obvious that he's moved on and whatever attempts that I make to contact him are purely selfish and probably wistful. I asked him to let me go, to stop the cycle and he has. I would love to see him if only to catch up but I've put that word out there enough by calling a couple of weeks ago and sending that email. If he wanted to see me, he knows he could. Time for a rest. Stop chasing and chill, girlfriend. The new Beverly does not need to do that... old habits, remember?

Still no word from the Fabe but that's no big shock. There is still a small glimmer of hope in me but, at the same time, I realize that all of his trust and faith in me has long since been shattered. I guess that was the sacrifice that needed to be made to get my world straightened out. And, as much as I love Fabe and as much as I would love for things to work out between us, I really feel that it was an easy trade. Without all that I have been through since meeting him, I know that if things hadn't changed I would be no good for anyone. In fact, I doubt I would have been around for much longer. So, when all is said and done, I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than be the person that I was two years ago. That would be the easiest choice ever.

The hard part of this right now is - do I just move on? It's hard to know. I know nothing about his life anymore. Maybe it's better if I let him go. I'm not going to chase him or something stupid like old Bev. And, as it said in the email that I got today, "if a man wants you, nothing can keep him away; if he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay."

And one small reminder, Beverly. You are entering PMS time so nothing that is felt this week is really as dramatic as it seems!

"And then I realized that I do have faith - faith in myself, faith that one day I would meet someone who would be sure that I was the one." - Carrie Bradshaw, Sex and the City

And, anyway!! I just reread this and it sounds like Fabe was jerking me around or something. Am I only remembering the good? I reread my old list from long ago on the why-nots and, quite frankly, they are shallow! I was grasping at straws. Yes, I'd like him to get his own place. But whatever. Do I care what the hell he drives? Do I care what he does for a living? And he bitches about people - have I ever met a man that didn't? Have you met my father? And he was there for me and I pushed him away. I let him closer than anyone has ever been and then gave him a great big shove. I didn't think he was good enough and I let him know it. And probably only confirmed his belief in himself. Muther fucker.

Hello, frustration! Have you met regret?

Here's my horoscope for today (they are always wrong but this one made me laugh):

A LACK OF CONTACT BETWEEN YOU AND A ROMANTIC PARTNER COULD HAVE YOU FEELING RATHER DEPRESSED TODAY, DEAR SCORPIO. YOU MIGHT BE TEMPTED TO JUMP TO THE ERRONEOUS CONCLUSION THAT YOUR BELOVED NO LONGER CARES FOR YOU AND THAT'S WHY YOUR PHONE ISN'T RINGING. DON'T FALL INTO THIS TRAP. IF YOU TRY TO BE OBJECTIVE, YOU'LL REALIZE THAT THIS ISN'T TRUE. CHANCES ARE YOUR FRIEND IS HELD UP IN SOME WAY AND WILL CALL AS SOON AS THERE IS AN OPPORTUNITY.

ca-thar-sis: a release of emotional tension, as after an overwhelming experience, that restores or replenishes the spirit.


Well, it's been quite an eventful weekend. First of all, I learned how to spell catharsis which, in itself, was quite an event. And then there was the mental breakdown. Tee hee!

Friday afternoon all hell broke loose. I guess it was the work hours, exercise and lack of food and rest that finally took it's toll, I don't know, but I came home from work and cried. And cried and bawled and cried some more. Friday was a weird trip back in time now that I think of it. But I think the stepping back will help me move forward. Anyway, after the crying I just got up and got ready to go out - how very not similar to the old days when I would cancel all plans and stay in bed for a few days. I went with Julie and a bunch of her girlfriends from the lake to the bar. First of all, let me say that supper probably would have been a good idea. Ah - lessons learned and what not. I became very intoxicated, to say the least. There was a slight breakdown in the bathroom when I realized that I was sitting at a table of 8 women near my age and realized that every single one of them had been married, all but two had been divorced and at least one was divorcing for the second time. Julie said that must make me feel good because I haven't been divorced but I was more focused n the fact that no one had ever loved me enough to marry me. I was going to leave but Julie asked me to stay. The dance floor was just getting going so I stayed and became my old, life of the party self. In retrospect, I don't know where all of that confidence came from but I was dancing and chatting and flirting and dancing some more. Alcohol was coursing through my veins like nobody's business. But, of course, all good things must come to an end. Bars close, people go home. Except the good ole Bev who just keeps drinking and flirting and finds her way into someone's basement and then finds her way into someone's bed (okay, it was the tv room floor but I was going for effect here people!)

And somewhere between the pants coming off and his oohs and aahs, my eyes opened. What the fuck was I doing? Omigod, don't come in me. How could I be so stupid as to get into this with someone I don't even know?

And where the hell was Fabian?

I literally pushed the guy away from me. I got up and walked out the door, into the pouring rain, in only a sweater and sleeveless t-shirt. It took me two and a half hours to walk home. And it gave me lots of time to think... here's what I came up with.

All of those guys dancing with me and smiling at me shows that I'm not a disgusting dog face with no hope of ever finding someone to love me. So, if that's true, it's something else. Ah, yes, of course. I haven't found someone to love me because I haven't let anyone love me. I've never let someone in enough. And I'm talking boys and girls. I will talk until I'm blue in the face about something once it's over. It's during that I don't do. When have I ever had a problem and went up to someone and said "I have a problem, please help me deal with it"? With Dr. Gray I did. I was paying him money to help me deal with it and it still took him forever to pull it out of me. Even he was thinking that there's nothing wrong. My shit is basically together except for a couple of little weight issues and what not. And then one day we were just chatting and all of a sudden he said "WHAT? You stay in bed for a week? For no good reason other than you want to?" And, the rest, as they say...

But it's not history. It's not done yet. I'm happier than I ever thought I could be for more than 10 minutes. I've struggled and it's been an uphill battle all the way. And for the first time in my life I'm saying "why me" instead of "why not me". Why does every damn little thing in my life have to be a struggle? Why am I so behind everyone else? And why can't I just grasp these simple aspects of life like everyone else?

And the answer to all of these questions turned out to be depression. But now that I know it, the whole world didn't fall into place. It's been almost two years and I'm still figuring out things about myself that I just never knew.

So, yeah. I knew a while ago - years and years ago, in fact - that I didn't talk about my problems enough. Having another perspective really opened my eyes to a lot of falsities that I kept as fact. Okay, so now I talk. Why not all fixed? Because I talk after the fact. I'll talk your ears off about my problems buy only after I have resolved them myself. No one gets to see it during. Now one gets close enough. I bury my head until it goes away or I do whatever I have to do to fix it. But no one sees until after. And after is not so bad. It's helped me a lot. I guess after has brought me to this point, where I think I'm ready to let someone see the during. I think.

And I emailed Fabian. Poor, poor Fabian. It's probably too late. And if I'm absolutely honest, there's a big part of me that hopes it is too late. Then I get more time. Then I could take years and years to let someone in. Years and years and years.

So, I'm considering trying again. A continuation of yesterday's thoughts about putting things on hold until I'm perfect - I got my hair cut today. I had intended just a trim and a shorter cut when I lose weight and my face is thinner. But maybe this is who I'll be. Ah, no, I don't think so but why wait? Life is happening all around me.

Which is why I'm considering trying again. It's so hard to put yourself out there. Am I ready for the rejection? But, see, what my old brain considers rejection is life for most people. Always looking to see if anyone is looking at me, paying attention. Well, here's the facts. You really aren't at your hottest at the gym at 5am. And, also, while you're okay, you'll never be on the cover of a magazine. Guys won't stare as you walk by - that's just the way it is. (I can't believe that actually bothers me!) Deal with it! At 34 (almost!) that should be figured out by now but these stupid wet things seem to be forming behind my eyes. ANYWAY! It's scary but I want to be held again. I want to laugh and cuddle and talk and the wet things are getting big so I'm gonna stop now. Next time, baby!

You know what's funny? Last month I bought a new journal and planned to stop writing in here and switch to that one. I guess it was yet another attempt to renew, to change, to get a clean slate. This past couple of years of change and growth have been terrific. Hard at times, draining, rough, but wonderful. I don't want a clean slate from that. I've come a long way, I've worked hard. And every time I roll my eyes and wait for the too good to be true times to end. But that's a load of crap! I deserve these good times. I've suffered for them. But I guess the reason that I wait for them to end is because they always have. I've found love and lost it, I've lost weight and found it. All of the things that I want I have already had in some small or significant way. What I need to remind myself is that the clouds that always turned everything dark are no longer there. Sure there's temporary shadows and even a total eclipse here and there. But the roller coaster ride has ended. I need to be comfortable getting off.

My, aren't I the analogy girl tonight? Deep, very deep! ;-)

Okay, here are today's thoughts. WAIT! I just had a little one that I'd like to share! I quit smoking on August 7th and my two month anniversary passed and I didn't even notice! I really think I'm a non-smoker now! Little pangs here and there but they are quick and fleeting and I know I'll never be that stupid again.

Okay, where was I? Oh, I'm starting to wonder if my brave exclamations of the wonderful world of singledom are merely veiled attempts to avoid men. Avoid putting myself out there again. It's almost 6 months now, why do I still periodically wonder? I think wishing for what could have been takes a lot less never than going out there and finding what could be.

I guess part of me is really getting bothered by my tendency to put everything on hold until I'm perfect, until I'm exactly who I want to be. Well, honestly Beverly, I sincerely hope that never happens. Then where do you go? What do you do?

And the saying goes something like "life is what happens when you are busy making other plans". I don't want to miss any more than I have. Isn't it funny how these small basic things are so difficult to me? Such a struggle. Honestly, I think it's habit. I forget that I am different now.

Oh, but it's hard to put yourself out there.

Oh, but it's harder to be alone for the rest of my life.

I think it might be time to get back to utilizing the therapeutic benefits of this book. Things are a little rough - not in a slump, I'm chemically enhanced! - but growing pains, maybe.

I think I might finally be over Fabe. Over thoughts of getting back with him, anyway. That's nice. But am I ready to date? Am I ready to put myself out there? Am I ready for possible rejection?

And then I have to say probably not because just the fact that I am assuming there will be rejection shows me that lavalife probably isn't the best place for me. I know I'll get some hits but I doubt they will be from people I want to hear from. Why am I even doing this, anyway? What happened to the old fashioned way of just living life and seeing what happens?

Okay, let's look at it this way. Say I do get noticed by someone online, he thinks I'm cute, I think he's cute and we meet. I don't want to get deeply involved with anyone. Yeah. I need to back up a little. It's not like I'm even feeling lonely lately. But physically this is not the me that I want people to see. But what about loving yourself and believing that others can love you, too? And to that I say but what about this big fucking spare tire??

Okay, this might turn into a mini crying jag because I'm right in the mood now so just bear with me. Bear with me while I snot and whine about this guy that I can't seem to get out of my head. I HATE HIM. I do. I hate him. I hate him for not being all of the things that I wanted him to be. For not being some of the things that I wanted him to be. I hate him for not fighting for me. I hate him for moving on. I hate him because I miss him and I can't fucking get rid of him. Why can't I get rid of him?

Am I just missing him and loving him so much because I can't have him? I don't even want him, that's the fucking joke. He spends all of his time bitching and saying mean things about his passengers. So what if he's funny? So what if I need a good deep dicking? Stop the madness! Stop the silliness. Just have patience. This too shall pass. It feels like it's talking forever right now but it will - it has to..

For some reason the thought of him with someone else came into my mind today and I almost threw up. Seriously, even now my stomach is turning. And my hand is reaching for the phone.

How much do guys suck, huh? Fabe called earlier and left a message thanking me for doing his taxes and apologizing for making me feel 'awkward' the other night. Why does this niceness always come out afterward? Yep, it's because guys suck! Anyway, I called and left him a message to say that he didn't make me feel awkward, I just can't do that stuff without the emotional side of it. And told him to keep in touch and I hope we can be friends. Do I want him to keep in touch? Ideally, yes, but not if I have to spend all of my time trying to keep my hands off him. Who knows? I just know that I'm not going to spend my time worrying about it. I have more important things to do right now.

Well, he just left. He sat next to me on the couch, which was the first sign of trouble. We went through his tax things and chatted and joked for a bit. And then he kissed me. I pulled back at first but he smelled so good, so familiar. And his touch and his lips. And I gave in. I enjoyed it for a minute or two and then I kind of stopped, pulled back. He asked if I wanted him to move away and I said yes. I said that we've been going in circles for three years and it's getting us no where. We keep ending up where we started. Okay, he said. Okay.

Yes, a part of me wanted him to say WAIT, what can I do? How can I change this? Give me another chance. But I'm glad he didn't. The circle has been broken. I stopped the cycle. Two tears of mourning and let's move on.

Well, I just got off the phone with Fabe. He's coming over tomorrow to drop off his tax stuff. I haven't seen him since the end of April - two months, basically. And for over a month we didn't even speak. I stopped answering the phone and he stopped calling. Which is a terrible way to end things but I just couldn't bear that break up conversation again. So what next? How will it go tomorrow? I know that I don't want to go out with him. I've considered just sex but that's too dicey. That's what I wanted in October and look what happened. But how do I say no? My practise with Dobbin and Flynn should have helped but it was mostly because I was so in love with Fabian. Now I've got no one to blame it on. Maybe on me? I know. Crap! Shouldn't I have learned this when I was 15 or something? I've just always said yes. Even when I didn't want to, I said yes. Well, maybe I didn't say yes but I definitely didn't say no. I don't want to go out with him. It's just stupid and silly and if this is where we are after 3 years then it's time to stop. Just stop.

Wow, that last entry was a mind blower, huh? My hand still hurts a little from that one! Anyway, the feeling hasn't passed so maybe I can articulate it this time.

Old habits. That's the problem. Chocolate and chips. Ice cream and McDonald's. Tight pants and cigarettes. I know it's all a process - this life change - but I feel I'm going backwards right now. I'm sure it's just to remind me where I've been and where I'm headed. Where I want - NEED - to go. How weird. Just writing this and it not turning into how horrible I am and how much my life sucks shows some major progress. Guess it's time to get back up and start again. Eventually it will click. I just know it.

I feel better, thanks.

I'm a little pissed off with myself right now.

I know that I'm some kind of nymphomaniac pervert whore but I'm so damn horny! But is it worth the trouble? I just see visions of the same old same old and I don't want that. I want to meet a nice guy and fall in love. And he'll be nice to me. And he'll buy me flowers and he'll take my hand and I'll feel comfortable and confident to take his. And he'll be adventurous and active and fun. All of the things that I once thought Fabian was. All of the things that I think he was. But I can't take the distance, the insecurities. The things that he doesn't even recognize as insecurities. Or admit to. Heck, maybe it's true what he says - that he just doesn't have that capacity. Maybe he never did. And maybe he never will. And maybe I should stop worrying about it and move on.

But I have moved on - these are just last lingering doubts, ready to be suffocated once and for all. I'm not lonely. I have more than enough to keep me occupied and happy and satisfied. It's just the sex, the touching, the heat, the excitement.

I'm probably going to attack him when he comes with his taxes. All I can hope is that he turns me down.

So, I was just reading an article in Cosmo and thought I would stop and take note. It's about being a blabbermouth, basically. And I am so a blabber mouth. Not about other people - I'm a good secret keeper - but about me? Total word vomit! It really bugs me sometimes. I'll start telling a story sometimes and the next thing I know I'm telling moment by moment, word for word. And most of the time I really don't need to. Or want to. I do it with everyone. Mom, Stacey, Julie, guys... look at me - I'm even doing it here!! I think I am too detail oriented. Maybe that's why I have so much trouble writing. It gets so involved. Stories and whatnot. Or maybe I have trouble writing because I talk so damn much! Who me? So maybe I'll just try to keep the details in here. It sure would be less boring for everyone! Even me.

Well, the fabe called the other day. On the 10th actually. Our 3 year anniversary of meeting. Ha! How romantic! Anyway, we haven't spoken since the day before Debra and Andrea left so it was a full month. I just stopped returning his calls and he just stopped calling. And I was glad.

I felt cowardly and weird about it. I was just so sick of breaking up with the guy, you know? And I had no reason - I just didn't want to talk to him anymore. I moved beyond the whole "relationship" (joke) and I was finding him irritating. So, anyway, he called and I said hello and he said hello (see? details!) and I said how's it going and then the whole 'is that all you have to say after all this time? Blah, blah, blah. It did hit me at one point during the whole diatribe (is that a word? hang on - yep, and I think I even used it in the right context!) So it hit me that all that blabbing 'why don't you love me' crap used to come from me. Was I really that person? I'm glad she's sleeping now. And, after all that, he says that he called because the tax department is after him and I promised to do his taxes. Can you believe that??? "Well, I wasn't going to call because I wanted to see how long it would take for you to call me". LAMEO! L-A-M-E-O!!!!

Anyway, I might have sex with him. We'll see.

I'm awesome weird, man!

Back on the plane, going in the other direction this time. That was good - good trip. One of the best. Quite possibly the best. Weird how things go. Spent the whole trip talking myself into and out of moving back. Of course the first few days were rough. But good at the same time being such of a family gathering and so many visitors. About 230 people were in and out of the funeral home in 3 days so the man couldn't have been too bad, hey?

The night of the funeral I stayed at Nan's for the night. She's got some serious life altering stuff going on and some pretty big decisions to make. I hope for so much for her right now I can't even say.

Debra and I had a fabulous time together, as always. That girl is so damn fun it's not funny! I just love her to bits - she's so much beyond a sister to me. Of course that makes Cathy crazy jealous. Just the fact that she gets all pouty about it is the reason that she stays on the outside of the circle, though. Does she not get that? She's invited time and time again but stays apart because she's not number one or something. I do not understand that girl. How does her brain work, anyway?

Funny thing about the best part of my trip is the way that my brain works now. I'm awesome! For one thing, after the same old song and dance happened and I disagreed with Cathy a couple of times and she got snippy, I stopped myself when it happened. Yes, Cathy, you are right, all the weight gain was only from the Paxil. It had nothing to do with your eating habits or lack of exercise. And the weight loss had nothing to do with leaving your husband and all of the stress and sadness and excitement that created. Of course, Cathy, all of the research and - let's face it, common sense - that went into the development of anti-blister socks is a load of crap and you know way better. Go ahead and keep the snippy, know-it-all expression on your face. But, instead of punching her (I'm terrible!!), I agreed and let it go. Because, as I once said to her about Pop, why argue? Who is it helping? I have my opinions and she has hers and just because I'm, like, ALWAYS right doesn't mean that I will ever convince her of that! I will never get her. But I love her and I hugged her and thanked her for her hospitality and walked away proud of me.

Who is next? Blah! This part is boring. Bottom line is I love my family, they are all crazy except me (tee hee!) and those things cannot be changed. The only thing that can be changed is how I react to it. And, at the end of the day, how I feel is all that counts. IT'S ALL ABOUT ME!! (and people think I am kidding!!)

Okay, more weird trip information coming up. Hand hurts - must break - no sleep- turbulence.




"Oh god, let us LIVE before we DIE"

I'm sitting on a plane, finally on the last leg of my flight home. Pop died on Friday night. It was so sudden I was stunned. He has had more health problems than anyone I know for as long as I can remember. But Friday night, Terri Lynn took him to the hospital because he was having chest pains. Everyone went home, he went to sleep and never woke up. Mom called at about 4am. I hate those phone calls. I hate hearing her say "well, I've got some bad news for you Bev". I think I'll start hanging up during that sentence. Anyway, I spent a terrible lonely day yesterday and last night I went online to buy my ticket. This is going to suck. But I need it, too, I know. God it's so hard to be so far away for the good times, devastating for the bad.

So, how to grieve? I barely slept that night. Woke up after about 4 hours, had some cereal, went back to bed and woke again about an hour later - bawling my eyes out. I walked for 2 1/2 hours, went to see my boys for some love. The tears are coming sporadically now. I'm just glad that I am going home to be with my family, to be able to talk about him and visit Nan and say goodbye. I must stop writing now - the tears are causing my nose to run and the people around me are probably getting pissed. And my hand hurts.




About my grandfather:

I know that everyone has their own memories about Pop. Some are good. Some are not so good. But I would like to tell you about my grandfather, who he was in my eyes. Pop was a very intelligent man. My oldest and strongest memories of him are following him into his computer room and watching in awe as he showed me all of the amazing things that funny little TV type box could do. That man could make a list like nobody's business!

And he was always at something, always tinkering, always in the middle of a project. I would be his willing subject when he was working on some new trick photography with the video camera. I was his appreciating audience when he bought yet another organ and he would show me all the new-fangled tricks this one let him perform. And he made me feel special when he took the time to be with me.

One of our mutually favorite memories (and I know this because the story has been told during almost every visit for the past eighteen years) was that year that we came home for Christmas holidays and there was a snow storm on New Year's Eve. We were supposed to go to Fred & Barb's in Kelligrews but the weather wouldn't allow it. I was pretty bummed out and I stood at the door in the kitchen, watching the snow fall. Pop came up behind me and pushed me out onto the back deck in my stocking feet and locked the door behind me. He was pretty pleased with himself and laughed and teased while I tried to get back in. He finally showed some mercy and opened the door. When it closed behind me, a bunch of snow came in, too, and we had a snowball fight in the kitchen. A fourteen year old girl and her grandfather flinging snow at each other indoors in the middle of the night. That is not only my favorite memory of Pop, it's one of my favorite memories of my life. And, so I have come home to celebrate the life of my favorite grandfather who I will always love and always miss and will always think of with a smile.

I love you, Pop.

This is about the same time last month that I last wrote. Hmmm! Interesting.

Anyway, before we begin, let me say congratulations on my new found freedom. Finally finished up the Strata last week. I am now going to be a full time employee of LUC. No evening job, no working from home, no constant defeating stress. Ahh!

That said - and there's always something, isn't there? - I'm getting sort of concerned about this apparent self sabotage that's been going on here lately. The exercise seems to have all but died and the eating is increasing (quit smoking, though!). I'm starting to wonder if this isn't my old self peeking through. It won't get me though. I'm stronger than it now. I'm stressing myself out about the Sun Run in two weeks. But it's silly. Why say "OMG, I don't know if I can do this"? Say "holy crap, it's going to feel good to cross that finish line. I don't have to flat out run the whole 10K. I don't even have to jog the whole 10K. I do need to do my bet and complete it. And next year I can run the whole thing. Who knows, maybe even compete for a decent time.

I keep talking about how frustrated I am that I haven't lost any weight since November. Christmas got me used to chocolate again. So whenever it's around I eat it. I don't feel like having anything to eat and end up convincing myself to have a burger & fries. What's different? A couple of days ago I thought 'of course, I'm trying too hard' like the old days when every day was the last day I could have these chips or ice cream so I eat as much as I can... and do the same thing the next day. But, you know, I don't think that's it. I think the problem is that I'm not trying enough. I'm not trying to avoid these foods. I'm not trying to will myself to not have them. I keep on with this 'I will not deprive myself' thing. And that's fine. Choose to not deprive yourself and choose to stay fat. And it is a choice.

Why do I keep sabotaging myself? Why do I buy that one more pack of cigarettes? I don't want to stop smoking. Really? You want to smoke because of how good it makes you feel when you run for 5 minutes? You like how it makes your care and your breath smell? You like how it stains your teeth? How it makes you stand in the rain to get a fix? I know I can live without it. I know the cravings get less and less and go away almost completely eventually. So do it. Get a litte control over yourself and just do it.

Or do you WANT to be a fat smoker?

Do you?

I want to write. Um, yeah! That's whut yer doon!
No, I mean write. Like a story. But I have no imagination. Is that an excuse?

I'm not going to let this leisure time turn into sitting on the couch. But I'm not that girl anymore, am I? I still fear her. I still fight her. I still worry about the day that she might come back.

I feel - what? Happy. Content. Not content as in okay that's enough living but content in who I am. I'm looking forward to who I will become. I don't fear tomorrow, I welcome it. How nice. Maybe that's what I could write about. Beverly's own little Prozac Nation.

So. What came first? The chicken or the egg? Is he bugging me because I feel crappy or do I feel crappy because he is bugging me? It's just all so familiar. I even took a break from him. I hadn't seen him since last Friday when we had a bit of a tiff. But everything was okay after. But these days I'm just not liking him all that much. And there's other things, too, so it probably is me.

I finished Karl's stuff last week. I was so excited I was shaking. I was actually waking up in the middle of the night to smile. And now I'm kinda bored. Not bored. Down? Could be period related and I'm making a mountain out of a mole hill here but I feel fat and indicisive (and I can't spell) and touchy and irritated. Hmmmm. That sounds like the definition of PMS. So I guess I need to fight my way through these next few days and see. K.

What I don't have is a lot of patience. I have to give myself credit, though. I've come a long way. I think every now and then I just need to pull up those old jeans, you know? Because in the beginning it happened so fast. It seemed like I was down a size every week or two. But I have to take into account the fact that I hurt my glute again in early December and really eased up on the exercise for a month or more. And then there was Christmas eating. Which wasn't massive binging or anything but I did eat more than usual. Then I was down for a week or two and I did eat a lot of crap that I didn't want or need. (Funny thing is, that only gets me down more!) Then I got the flu a couple of weeks ago and I really was wiped out. So for a couple of weeks I've been back at it full force with the exercise and better with the eating. And I've lost a pound. And a pound a week or so is my goal. So, what the heck. Bevie? What the heck?

I went running outside by myself for the first time yesterday. It was a struggle. I was taken off-guard by all of the emotional turmoil that I went through. Just looks from people and me determining what they are thinking. Fabian thinks I'm being silly and paranoid but I am on my 33rd year as a fat person - I know the looks. But what I realized is, who the hell cares? Do I care if some guy I've never seen before and will never see again smirks as I run by? He's nothing to me so why should I even notice?

And I feel good because I really talked myself down. I didn't talk myself into going home. And I didn't compromise and go to the gym. I kept going and just looked away from people if I felt that vibe. And you know what? I smiled and said hello to people that didn't give me that vibe. And I finished my run. And damn! That felt good!!

I close my eyes and imagine cheek bones and collar bones, hip bones and only one neck, jeans without a pocket of chub sticking out over them, not having to concern myself about sucking in the belly. I see myself crossing the finish line at the Vancouver Sun Run and tears inevitably spring to the surface. I see myself walking into a room and everyone sees me, sees beauty and confidence and charm.

Will I be beautiful? What will I look like? How will I handle it? As impatient as I get when I step on the scale, I know that slow - very slow - is the only way for me to do this. To get used to the bones, the looks, the attention. For my body to get used to the exercise. I want so much from my body right now. I don't know if it will ever catch up.

But, I guess that whole 'instant gratification' business is behind me. The exercise part any way. Now, if I could just avoid that Dairy Queen!

This is rough. This internal struggle. The food yo-yo. I'm fighting but I feel like I'm losing the battle. Got to win the war, though. Jeans are getting tight. I've been talking myself into eating again. Even when I don't want to. And back to the 'just one more' mindset. It doesn't work, Beverly. How about exercise? How about fruit? And steady meals?

Geez - just read the last entry. Bummer, man! I was really down there for a spell. Started feeling better - then got the flu. Oh, well!