A couple of weird little observation here for a moment... I am downloading all of my music collection onto my NEW COMPUTER and iPod and thinking... as usual...
+ I love music. No, I LOVE music. Seriously, I honestly feel that music pulled me through some seriously rough times, both as a teenager and again in recent years (especially this past year!). I finally realized that it's the music that takes me away. I can let go with music and, until recently, music was the only way that I could let go. I have music for every mood, every situation. No wonder I hated Karl so much... I barely listened to music back then. Anyways, I put my music listening into three separate sections: 1. new stuff that I want to listen to as a secondary task, usually when working or doing puzzles. I don't know the words so I get sidetracked less... I love to sing. 2. stuff that I am learning and I want to listen to over and over and over until any normal person would be seriously sick of it but I can sing every word, for the rest of my life because it's in there so deeply. And 3. what I call chillin' music, when the listening is mostly the primary task but there sometimes is secondary stuff going on like cooking supper. This is where the stuff that I have graduated from goes. Ah, chillin' music.
Anyway, why did I just tell you all that? I'm not totally sure but I do think that it has something to do with the fact that I was thinking that my iPod has given me the soundtrack to my life. It's like I have my own radio station that is tuned into my world - and only songs that I like will play!!!
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Monday, July 28, 2008
Huh?
I keep thinking about Fabian. I know, I'm just horny. Just nesting; looking for a mate. Mostly horny at this point. lol But Fabe is not the one for me, I know that. I want children, I want a family life, I want to be with someone who is looking for the same thing. I need this. It is the rest of my life plan.
I was doing some puzzles yesterday and suddenly thought that it would be funny to do my backward countdown to see if I am on track... I don't want to rush into this because all me eggs is dried up! So, I would like to have a child at about 40. Two kids I think: one to mow the lawn and a spare. Hyuk! Hyuk! If I give birth at 40, I will need to be pregnant mid to late 39, want to know the guy for a year before so that brings me to 38. Got to meet the guy after probably meeting bunches of guys that don't work out. I'm months away from 37... I think I am right on track! And I have time to become sexy and start my financial empire. Perfect. >.<
I was doing some puzzles yesterday and suddenly thought that it would be funny to do my backward countdown to see if I am on track... I don't want to rush into this because all me eggs is dried up! So, I would like to have a child at about 40. Two kids I think: one to mow the lawn and a spare. Hyuk! Hyuk! If I give birth at 40, I will need to be pregnant mid to late 39, want to know the guy for a year before so that brings me to 38. Got to meet the guy after probably meeting bunches of guys that don't work out. I'm months away from 37... I think I am right on track! And I have time to become sexy and start my financial empire. Perfect. >.<
Evolution evolves! Part 2
*** Okay, this time I just have to tell you what the personality profile said because it's the one that I want it to be - FINALLY!! It's weird though, some of the scores that I smirked at the first time (and was thankful for a turn around during subsequent tests) are back close to the first test but they don't bother me anymore. Ah, part of the evolution. ***
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You are a Benevolent Director.
about you
YOU ARE A DIRECTOR
* As a DIRECTOR, you combine an unusual openness and passion for beauty and style with confidence and a down-to-earth sensibility that allow you to realize your vision.
* You are practical and pay attention to the details that others tend to miss.
* By focusing on what is real and concrete, you achieve more than those who always have their heads in the clouds.
* When it comes to what really matters in your life, you are confident in your ability to succeed.
* Having beautiful things in your life gives you pleasure and satisfaction - you have a keen eye for style.
*Even when problems present themselves, deep down you know you will overcome these challenges.
* When routines get too familiar, you become bored and start looking for ways to spice things up.
*You are open to new types of experiences - you are not afraid to take a risk on something new.
* You have a highly developed sense of taste - you know what looks good on you, in your home and in the world at large.
* Your independent streak allows you to make decisions efficiently and to trust your instincts.
* You are balanced in your approach to problem-solving, not letting your emotions hold you up.
* You have a strong sense of style and value your personal presentation - friends may even seek your style advice from time to time.
* Generally, you believe that you control your life, and that external forces only play a limited role in determining what happens to you.
If you want to be different:
Occasionally let yourself dream a little more, even if it doesn't seem practical or efficient.
how you relate to others
YOU ARE BENEVOLENT
* You are a great person to interact with - understanding, giving and trusting - in a word, Benevolent.
* You don't mind being in social situations, as you feel comfortable enough with people to be yourself.
* Your caring nature goes beyond a basic concern: you take the time to understand the nuances of people's situations before passing any sort of judgment.
* You're a good listener, and even better at offering advice.
* You're concerned with others at both an individual and societal level you sympathize with the plights of troubled groups and you can care about people you've never met.
* Considering many different perspectives is something at which you excel, and you appreciate the quality in others.
* Other people's feelings are important to you and you're good at meditating disputes.
* Because of your understanding and patience you tend to bring out the best in people.
If you want to be different:
You spend a lot of time taking care of others, but don't forget to take care of yourself!
Sometimes you get over committed and when you sacrifice spending time with those close to you it can make them feel unimportant.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You are a Benevolent Director.
about you
YOU ARE A DIRECTOR
* As a DIRECTOR, you combine an unusual openness and passion for beauty and style with confidence and a down-to-earth sensibility that allow you to realize your vision.
* You are practical and pay attention to the details that others tend to miss.
* By focusing on what is real and concrete, you achieve more than those who always have their heads in the clouds.
* When it comes to what really matters in your life, you are confident in your ability to succeed.
* Having beautiful things in your life gives you pleasure and satisfaction - you have a keen eye for style.
*Even when problems present themselves, deep down you know you will overcome these challenges.
* When routines get too familiar, you become bored and start looking for ways to spice things up.
*You are open to new types of experiences - you are not afraid to take a risk on something new.
* You have a highly developed sense of taste - you know what looks good on you, in your home and in the world at large.
* Your independent streak allows you to make decisions efficiently and to trust your instincts.
* You are balanced in your approach to problem-solving, not letting your emotions hold you up.
* You have a strong sense of style and value your personal presentation - friends may even seek your style advice from time to time.
* Generally, you believe that you control your life, and that external forces only play a limited role in determining what happens to you.
If you want to be different:
Occasionally let yourself dream a little more, even if it doesn't seem practical or efficient.
how you relate to others
YOU ARE BENEVOLENT
* You are a great person to interact with - understanding, giving and trusting - in a word, Benevolent.
* You don't mind being in social situations, as you feel comfortable enough with people to be yourself.
* Your caring nature goes beyond a basic concern: you take the time to understand the nuances of people's situations before passing any sort of judgment.
* You're a good listener, and even better at offering advice.
* You're concerned with others at both an individual and societal level you sympathize with the plights of troubled groups and you can care about people you've never met.
* Considering many different perspectives is something at which you excel, and you appreciate the quality in others.
* Other people's feelings are important to you and you're good at meditating disputes.
* Because of your understanding and patience you tend to bring out the best in people.
If you want to be different:
You spend a lot of time taking care of others, but don't forget to take care of yourself!
Sometimes you get over committed and when you sacrifice spending time with those close to you it can make them feel unimportant.
Evolution evolves!
I periodically do these personality tests online... I find the feedback very informative and it really showed me some areas of my personality that I was not aware of - and really worked to change. So, every now and then I do the test again to see how well all of my work is paying off. And today I am very proud of my progress! [FYI: My openness, empathy and trust in others scores knocked me on my ass the first time!!]
*** I copied this directly from an entry in May and have added my new scores. [Holy moley! (I'm learning to not swear!! I think I'm better than that. I mean I started swearing because I thought it was funny - I would Mother Fucker at the simplest things and then laugh my ass off... problem is, eventually it became my language in everyday conversation so I decided it's time for an adjustment!) How exciting! What evolution! Progress. This report made me smile more than any other. This is me.] ***
Confidence
JUL07, 78 ~ JAN08, 86 ~ MAR08, 88 ~ MAY08, 92 ~ JUL08, 94 ~ FEB09, 94 ~ JAN10, 92
Openness (to new experiences)
JUL07, 6 ~ JAN08, 8 ~ MAR08, 4 ~ MAY08, 44 ~ JUL08, 42 ~ FEB09, 66 ~ JAN10, 56
Extroversion
JUL07, 94 ~ JAN08, 94 ~ MAR08, 88 ~ MAY08, 80 ~ JUL08, 78 ~ FEB09, 94 ~ JAN10, 80
Empathy
JUL07, 4 ~ JAN08, 32 ~ MAR08, 10 ~ MAY08, 36 ~ JUL08, 54 ~ FEB08, 34 ~ JAN10, 6
Trust in Others
JUL07, 56 ~ JAN08, 58 ~ MAR08, 48 ~ MAY08, 92 ~ JUL08, 60 ~ FEB09, 94 ~ JAN10, 92
Agency (belief that you determine outcomes, not god or fate)
JUL07, 88 ~ JAN08, 76 ~ MAR08, 76 ~ MAY08, 58 ~ JUL08, 82 ~ FEB09, 62 ~ JAN10, 80
Masculinity
JUL07, 66 ~ JAN08, 56 ~ MAR08, 52 ~ MAY08, 30 ~ JUL08, 72 ~ FEB09, 44 ~ JAN10, 62
Femininity
JUL07, 6 ~ JAN08, 14 ~ MAR08, 22 ~ MAY08, 48 ~ JUL08, 24 ~ FEB09, 54 ~ JAN10, 38
Spontaneity
JUL07, 48 ~ JAN08, 36 ~ MAR08, 64 ~ MAY08, 80 ~ JUL08, 76 ~ FEB09, 84 ~ JAN10, 90
Attention to Style
JUL07, 58 ~ JAN08, 82 ~ MAR08, 92 ~ MAY08, 82 ~ JUL08, 86 ~ FEB09, 80 ~ JAN10, 88
Authoritarianism (adherence to social order)
JUL07, 88 ~ JAN08, 64 ~ MAR08, 44 ~ MAY08, 40 ~ JUL08, 36 ~ FEB09, 16 ~ JAN10, 4
Earthy/Imaginative
JUL07, 100 ~ JAN08, 96 ~ MAR08, 98 ~ MAY08, 92 ~ JUL08, 88 ~ FEB09, 86 ~ JAN10, 70
Aesthetic/Functional
JUL07, 94 ~ JAN08, 22 ~ MAR08, 34 ~ MAY08, 46 ~ JUL08, 4 ~ FEB09, 54 ~ JAN10, 56
*** I copied this directly from an entry in May and have added my new scores. [Holy moley! (I'm learning to not swear!! I think I'm better than that. I mean I started swearing because I thought it was funny - I would Mother Fucker at the simplest things and then laugh my ass off... problem is, eventually it became my language in everyday conversation so I decided it's time for an adjustment!) How exciting! What evolution! Progress. This report made me smile more than any other. This is me.] ***
Confidence
JUL07, 78 ~ JAN08, 86 ~ MAR08, 88 ~ MAY08, 92 ~ JUL08, 94 ~ FEB09, 94 ~ JAN10, 92
Openness (to new experiences)
JUL07, 6 ~ JAN08, 8 ~ MAR08, 4 ~ MAY08, 44 ~ JUL08, 42 ~ FEB09, 66 ~ JAN10, 56
Extroversion
JUL07, 94 ~ JAN08, 94 ~ MAR08, 88 ~ MAY08, 80 ~ JUL08, 78 ~ FEB09, 94 ~ JAN10, 80
Empathy
JUL07, 4 ~ JAN08, 32 ~ MAR08, 10 ~ MAY08, 36 ~ JUL08, 54 ~ FEB08, 34 ~ JAN10, 6
Trust in Others
JUL07, 56 ~ JAN08, 58 ~ MAR08, 48 ~ MAY08, 92 ~ JUL08, 60 ~ FEB09, 94 ~ JAN10, 92
Agency (belief that you determine outcomes, not god or fate)
JUL07, 88 ~ JAN08, 76 ~ MAR08, 76 ~ MAY08, 58 ~ JUL08, 82 ~ FEB09, 62 ~ JAN10, 80
Masculinity
JUL07, 66 ~ JAN08, 56 ~ MAR08, 52 ~ MAY08, 30 ~ JUL08, 72 ~ FEB09, 44 ~ JAN10, 62
Femininity
JUL07, 6 ~ JAN08, 14 ~ MAR08, 22 ~ MAY08, 48 ~ JUL08, 24 ~ FEB09, 54 ~ JAN10, 38
Spontaneity
JUL07, 48 ~ JAN08, 36 ~ MAR08, 64 ~ MAY08, 80 ~ JUL08, 76 ~ FEB09, 84 ~ JAN10, 90
Attention to Style
JUL07, 58 ~ JAN08, 82 ~ MAR08, 92 ~ MAY08, 82 ~ JUL08, 86 ~ FEB09, 80 ~ JAN10, 88
Authoritarianism (adherence to social order)
JUL07, 88 ~ JAN08, 64 ~ MAR08, 44 ~ MAY08, 40 ~ JUL08, 36 ~ FEB09, 16 ~ JAN10, 4
Earthy/Imaginative
JUL07, 100 ~ JAN08, 96 ~ MAR08, 98 ~ MAY08, 92 ~ JUL08, 88 ~ FEB09, 86 ~ JAN10, 70
Aesthetic/Functional
JUL07, 94 ~ JAN08, 22 ~ MAR08, 34 ~ MAY08, 46 ~ JUL08, 4 ~ FEB09, 54 ~ JAN10, 56
Saturday, July 26, 2008
Email to my older sister
Hi sister!
I was just thinking about our conversation today and I wanted to comment a little deeper. I think I found a better way to explain what I was trying to say about figuring out why I had Dad's little habit of being short with people and whatnot...
Like I was saying, I really saw that behavior in myself when I was with Karl and Fabian... Karl irritated me and fought with me, Fabe would get flabbergasted and leave (which is why we stopped and started so many times, I guess). I would just be a bitch and I couldn't figure out why... the things that came out of my mouth weren't the things that I really felt, some days I was just impossible to be around and there was nothing anyone could do to appease me. It was one of the things that I thought was taken care of with the depression realization/medication.
But then I got together with Ian and it started again. And, again, I chalked it up to the messed up brain and pretty much accepted that some days I would just have to lose it... that's just who I was and I told Ian that he couldn't handle me because I could get so difficult and he was such a softy that he wouldn't fight back or leave... he would sit there and take it and try to make it all better and, in doing so, only made it worse. I decided that I would rather be alone and happy than be with someone and hate my own guts because I was such a bitch.
I honestly felt that most people agreed with me, too. Sure, the ones who loved me always loved me but the ones that didn't have to love me didn't love me. (haha! does that make sense at all??) Basically, I entered every relationship - romantic and other wise - with my back up, thinking that it was only a matter of time before they realized that I was impossible to be around and walked away. I was totally charming in the beginning and people really responded to it, and as soon as I reeled them in I started pushing them away. I looked for them to get pissed off or irritated with me and, as soon as I saw any sign of that, I walked.
Then I realized that I was going in the same direction as those in our bloodline that have gone before us and I had to put my foot down. That was not the life that I wanted so I started asking one question constantly - why. You have no idea how much time and thought I have put into this... it's been a long, difficult road but holy shit... my whole world has changed in ways that I didn't even imagine.
Firstly, I realized that I cared more about how strangers perceived me than my own family and friends. The absolute charm that oozed from me around people that I didn't know, always worrying about what strangers were thinking about me and assumed the worst. Then I turned that coin around and realized that I projecting the things that I felt about myself onto others. I remember saying to Ian at the end a couple of months ago that, if he thought that I was mean to him, he should hear the things that I said to myself.
And I started listening to the things that I said to myself and I questioned them. I realized that I was practically constantly telling myself off. I didn't go to the gym and I was bad because of that. I planned to do all of my chores after work (for example) and then I didn't feel like doing them. If I called you and said that, what would you say to me? You would say 'whatever', right? 'It's no big deal, Bev, you'll do it tomorrow or the next day. Every thing is going to be just fine... chill out, you deserve it.'
Am I right? Now... what would you say to yourself in the same situation????? I would feel bad for not doing something that I should have done. How lazy am I? That stuff was supposed to be done a month ago... two months ago I told myself that it would be done in a month and I didn't do it, it's still not done. Because I'm lazy. Because I never get anything done. Because I can't do anything right. Because I suck. That's what I used to say to myself. Now I say 'it's not big deal, Bev, you'll do it tomorrow or the next day and everything is going to be just fine'. And it is! It's fine. Me not kicking myself in the ass didn't get stuff done, it just made me feel bad about stuff not being done. And now? The stuff still isn't done... and it's fine. If it needed to be done it would be done.
We are so supportive of each other. Always looking to say the right thing to make the other feel better. We need to say it to ourselves.
*** OMG! Need sleep! It's almost 4am and I told Brandon that I was going to bed early so I would get up early tomorrow... oops!
And then I started - intentionally, deliberately - talking to me the way I would talk to someone that I cared about. How funny is that? I taught myself to talk to myself as if I was talking to you or Stacey or someone that I loved... and I supported me and I said way to go and I said you can do it. Over and over - until I believed it.
The weirdest side effects have come out of this. I learned to love me and believed that I was good and worthy and I stopped caring what anyone else thought. And I am nice now - nice to others because I am nice to me. For example, if I don't do the dishes after supper, I don't beat myself up about it. If
I was just thinking about our conversation today and I wanted to comment a little deeper. I think I found a better way to explain what I was trying to say about figuring out why I had Dad's little habit of being short with people and whatnot...
Like I was saying, I really saw that behavior in myself when I was with Karl and Fabian... Karl irritated me and fought with me, Fabe would get flabbergasted and leave (which is why we stopped and started so many times, I guess). I would just be a bitch and I couldn't figure out why... the things that came out of my mouth weren't the things that I really felt, some days I was just impossible to be around and there was nothing anyone could do to appease me. It was one of the things that I thought was taken care of with the depression realization/medication.
But then I got together with Ian and it started again. And, again, I chalked it up to the messed up brain and pretty much accepted that some days I would just have to lose it... that's just who I was and I told Ian that he couldn't handle me because I could get so difficult and he was such a softy that he wouldn't fight back or leave... he would sit there and take it and try to make it all better and, in doing so, only made it worse. I decided that I would rather be alone and happy than be with someone and hate my own guts because I was such a bitch.
I honestly felt that most people agreed with me, too. Sure, the ones who loved me always loved me but the ones that didn't have to love me didn't love me. (haha! does that make sense at all??) Basically, I entered every relationship - romantic and other wise - with my back up, thinking that it was only a matter of time before they realized that I was impossible to be around and walked away. I was totally charming in the beginning and people really responded to it, and as soon as I reeled them in I started pushing them away. I looked for them to get pissed off or irritated with me and, as soon as I saw any sign of that, I walked.
Then I realized that I was going in the same direction as those in our bloodline that have gone before us and I had to put my foot down. That was not the life that I wanted so I started asking one question constantly - why. You have no idea how much time and thought I have put into this... it's been a long, difficult road but holy shit... my whole world has changed in ways that I didn't even imagine.
Firstly, I realized that I cared more about how strangers perceived me than my own family and friends. The absolute charm that oozed from me around people that I didn't know, always worrying about what strangers were thinking about me and assumed the worst. Then I turned that coin around and realized that I projecting the things that I felt about myself onto others. I remember saying to Ian at the end a couple of months ago that, if he thought that I was mean to him, he should hear the things that I said to myself.
And I started listening to the things that I said to myself and I questioned them. I realized that I was practically constantly telling myself off. I didn't go to the gym and I was bad because of that. I planned to do all of my chores after work (for example) and then I didn't feel like doing them. If I called you and said that, what would you say to me? You would say 'whatever', right? 'It's no big deal, Bev, you'll do it tomorrow or the next day. Every thing is going to be just fine... chill out, you deserve it.'
Am I right? Now... what would you say to yourself in the same situation????? I would feel bad for not doing something that I should have done. How lazy am I? That stuff was supposed to be done a month ago... two months ago I told myself that it would be done in a month and I didn't do it, it's still not done. Because I'm lazy. Because I never get anything done. Because I can't do anything right. Because I suck. That's what I used to say to myself. Now I say 'it's not big deal, Bev, you'll do it tomorrow or the next day and everything is going to be just fine'. And it is! It's fine. Me not kicking myself in the ass didn't get stuff done, it just made me feel bad about stuff not being done. And now? The stuff still isn't done... and it's fine. If it needed to be done it would be done.
We are so supportive of each other. Always looking to say the right thing to make the other feel better. We need to say it to ourselves.
*** OMG! Need sleep! It's almost 4am and I told Brandon that I was going to bed early so I would get up early tomorrow... oops!
And then I started - intentionally, deliberately - talking to me the way I would talk to someone that I cared about. How funny is that? I taught myself to talk to myself as if I was talking to you or Stacey or someone that I loved... and I supported me and I said way to go and I said you can do it. Over and over - until I believed it.
The weirdest side effects have come out of this. I learned to love me and believed that I was good and worthy and I stopped caring what anyone else thought. And I am nice now - nice to others because I am nice to me. For example, if I don't do the dishes after supper, I don't beat myself up about it. If
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Horoscope
Scorpio
October 23 - November 21
There is change in the air today, dear Scorpio! For the last three weeks you have been driven by a desire to take a new direction in your career. Based on this desire, you made plans for the future. Now that you are actually carrying out those plans, you are becoming increasingly aware of the intrusions of reality. But there's no need to abandon your latest goals, simply readjust them.
*** Holy shit... how crazy is that????????
October 23 - November 21
There is change in the air today, dear Scorpio! For the last three weeks you have been driven by a desire to take a new direction in your career. Based on this desire, you made plans for the future. Now that you are actually carrying out those plans, you are becoming increasingly aware of the intrusions of reality. But there's no need to abandon your latest goals, simply readjust them.
*** Holy shit... how crazy is that????????
Monday, July 21, 2008
Right... um, of course!
I just read my last entry, post, whatever you want to call it. Not the horoscopes that seemed so accurate at the time but the last time I wrote. About believing. And waiting to see if I was right. I was right.
I haven't written in a while because my nephews have been visiting. Aaron is 17, just finished high school, and came out from Sunday the 6th until Sunday the 13th. What a strange experience. I hadn't seen Aaron since 2004 and that's a long time when you are growing up. And the last time I saw him, he was a 13 year old who knew everything, including that I had nothing to say that he wanted to hear. But I can dig that. Been there. Now he's 17 and interested again. I gave him a picture of something else. It was odd to watch him and see the five year old that he once was. So oddly similar. He was too smart. Always told you things that seemed to have the message that he was really smart and a deep thinker. From the moment he could talk.
I enjoyed seeing him again and was proud to have him in my family, proud to share my life with him. No matter what he thinks about me at this stage of his life, I think that he will think fondly of me in the future. And that's enough. Funny, oh me.
I am going to totally break my train of thought now to say a big sigh. Good sigh. I love me sigh. I'm doing something right sigh. Holy shit, I am freaking scared shitless... how cool is that sigh. Stop swearing sigh. lol
Anyway, Aaron got here on Sunday and that was Brandon's 16th birthday. We had two full and two half days alone together. Monday we went to Playland and I was amazed at Aaron's determination to conquer his fear of heights and go on every roller coaster there. He started slow but we gradually got to the Hellevator which goes up 200 feet at 75 miles/hour. Afraid of heights? Wow! He said he blacked out going up but I think he just blew his mind! We chilled out Tuesday... went to the gym together and walked around a bit, cooked supper, Aaron made strawberry tarts and then we had a few beers and got stoned! Don't tell my sister, for shit's sake! (Oops! Trying to stop swearing and get a little bit of feminine shit on the go here! lol) I mean, for heaven's sake! I had fun. We chatted. I feel that we bonded. I was impressed with his maturity and sense of future. I think he will do fine.
I jokingly told Brandon that me scheduling Aaron to leave on his birthday so he could be alone with his mother on his birthday and get more attention. And Brandon thanked me for it. Brandon followed his brother on Wednesday. I scheduled their trips together like that intentionally. For one thing, although I really wanted to spend a couple of days alone with Aaron to get to know him, I was a little bit nervous of what to do with him otherwise. I figured he would probably be bored out of his mind with me so I brought Brandon out a few days in. I knew Brandon would be jealous of having to share me with Aaron at first but he was coming for a month so I would easily make it up to him.
How odd to watch the dynamic of my sister's two sons interacting. They spent plenty of time together but always with Aaron being totally supportive of his younger brother and Brandon speaking to Aaron with contention and irritation. And Brandon kept telling his mother things about Aaron's bad attitude that weren't apparent to anyone but Brandon. If I was talking to Aaron, Brandon was pushing him out of the way. Oh, I saw myself. How amazing. What an insight. To see someone so much like me, the way I used to be and still the way I am ins some ways. With a hefty dash of my sister in him that I really didn't recognize before.
Brandon's whole demeanor changed the moment Aaron walked out of sight into security at the airport. It was total a 180... perk. When he first arrived he was irritating. He pushed and spoke over everyone and was bitter and jealous; after Aaron left he was Brandon again. Brandon is my kind of people. Yes, I love Aaron and I enjoyed spending time with him but Brandon is so much like me and so in need of guidance. All of those times that I have said "why did no one tell me?" about the false crap - ahem, stuff - that I went through as a teenager/young adult will be my gift to Brandon. I know, you would think that he would be rolling his eyes and telling me where to go but he's not... he wants to know this stuff... he needs to know this stuff... and he seems to recognize that fact... even about the stuff that he really doesn't understand yet. God love him. He is one special fella.
I haven't written in a while because my nephews have been visiting. Aaron is 17, just finished high school, and came out from Sunday the 6th until Sunday the 13th. What a strange experience. I hadn't seen Aaron since 2004 and that's a long time when you are growing up. And the last time I saw him, he was a 13 year old who knew everything, including that I had nothing to say that he wanted to hear. But I can dig that. Been there. Now he's 17 and interested again. I gave him a picture of something else. It was odd to watch him and see the five year old that he once was. So oddly similar. He was too smart. Always told you things that seemed to have the message that he was really smart and a deep thinker. From the moment he could talk.
I enjoyed seeing him again and was proud to have him in my family, proud to share my life with him. No matter what he thinks about me at this stage of his life, I think that he will think fondly of me in the future. And that's enough. Funny, oh me.
I am going to totally break my train of thought now to say a big sigh. Good sigh. I love me sigh. I'm doing something right sigh. Holy shit, I am freaking scared shitless... how cool is that sigh. Stop swearing sigh. lol
Anyway, Aaron got here on Sunday and that was Brandon's 16th birthday. We had two full and two half days alone together. Monday we went to Playland and I was amazed at Aaron's determination to conquer his fear of heights and go on every roller coaster there. He started slow but we gradually got to the Hellevator which goes up 200 feet at 75 miles/hour. Afraid of heights? Wow! He said he blacked out going up but I think he just blew his mind! We chilled out Tuesday... went to the gym together and walked around a bit, cooked supper, Aaron made strawberry tarts and then we had a few beers and got stoned! Don't tell my sister, for shit's sake! (Oops! Trying to stop swearing and get a little bit of feminine shit on the go here! lol) I mean, for heaven's sake! I had fun. We chatted. I feel that we bonded. I was impressed with his maturity and sense of future. I think he will do fine.
I jokingly told Brandon that me scheduling Aaron to leave on his birthday so he could be alone with his mother on his birthday and get more attention. And Brandon thanked me for it. Brandon followed his brother on Wednesday. I scheduled their trips together like that intentionally. For one thing, although I really wanted to spend a couple of days alone with Aaron to get to know him, I was a little bit nervous of what to do with him otherwise. I figured he would probably be bored out of his mind with me so I brought Brandon out a few days in. I knew Brandon would be jealous of having to share me with Aaron at first but he was coming for a month so I would easily make it up to him.
How odd to watch the dynamic of my sister's two sons interacting. They spent plenty of time together but always with Aaron being totally supportive of his younger brother and Brandon speaking to Aaron with contention and irritation. And Brandon kept telling his mother things about Aaron's bad attitude that weren't apparent to anyone but Brandon. If I was talking to Aaron, Brandon was pushing him out of the way. Oh, I saw myself. How amazing. What an insight. To see someone so much like me, the way I used to be and still the way I am ins some ways. With a hefty dash of my sister in him that I really didn't recognize before.
Brandon's whole demeanor changed the moment Aaron walked out of sight into security at the airport. It was total a 180... perk. When he first arrived he was irritating. He pushed and spoke over everyone and was bitter and jealous; after Aaron left he was Brandon again. Brandon is my kind of people. Yes, I love Aaron and I enjoyed spending time with him but Brandon is so much like me and so in need of guidance. All of those times that I have said "why did no one tell me?" about the false crap - ahem, stuff - that I went through as a teenager/young adult will be my gift to Brandon. I know, you would think that he would be rolling his eyes and telling me where to go but he's not... he wants to know this stuff... he needs to know this stuff... and he seems to recognize that fact... even about the stuff that he really doesn't understand yet. God love him. He is one special fella.
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Horoscope
Scorpio
October 23 - November 21
The current astral configuration will make you feel happier and more energetic than you may have been feeling lately, dear Scorpio. The reasons for some of the changes that have been happening in your life seem so much clearer to you now. Once you have gotten all your strength back, you will be able to set new goals and ambitions for yourself based on these changes in motivation.
October 23 - November 21
The current astral configuration will make you feel happier and more energetic than you may have been feeling lately, dear Scorpio. The reasons for some of the changes that have been happening in your life seem so much clearer to you now. Once you have gotten all your strength back, you will be able to set new goals and ambitions for yourself based on these changes in motivation.
Saturday, July 5, 2008
Horoscope
Scorpio
October 23 - November 21
Love is not something that is going to happen spontaneously at this time, dear Scorpio. Don't sit around waiting for someone to come down with a magic wand and instantly make everything better. Love and relationships with close friends and family are things that you are going to need to work for. Keep in mind that this work doesn't necessarily need to be tiring or gruesome, but it is a form of effort on your part.
October 23 - November 21
Love is not something that is going to happen spontaneously at this time, dear Scorpio. Don't sit around waiting for someone to come down with a magic wand and instantly make everything better. Love and relationships with close friends and family are things that you are going to need to work for. Keep in mind that this work doesn't necessarily need to be tiring or gruesome, but it is a form of effort on your part.
What is it, boy? Did Pa fall into the well?
It's been kind of a weird week. The other day, for the very first time, I thought 'this is what they are talking about, this is depression'. So, from that, several other thoughts surfaced... although I am stoned right now and I don't really know what they are.
Arg! I have a severe case of the 'don't wanna's' and it's really... really not bothering me as much as it usually would. Hmm. It's bothering me but more in a factual kind of way more so than emotional. I am supposed to go out with Lisa tonight but I don't wanna. Stacey stayed over last night and she was gone when I got up this morning; I keep thinking that I should call her but I don't wanna. Fabe called about an hour ago; I saw his number on the call display but just thought, no, I don't wanna. I'm having diet Coke and fudge for breakfast, I'm watching tv shows that I have absolutely no interest in; I keep thinking that I should get off the couch but I don't wanna.
It's kind of strange to have these I don't wanna's with no other emotion. Usually I would be in bed crying or leaving work because I can't stop crying or shutting all of the phones off because I can't handle it anymore; I would be hating myself because I keep letting everyone down and I am fat and ugly and I need to push everyone away. Today, though? I'm just sitting here. I'm just waiting for it to go away. I'm just sitting here until I feel like not sitting here anymore.
But am I? I have put on at least 5 pounds. I was laughing to myself the other day - how many times have I talked about the fact that I have lost 30 lbs several times in my adult life but I could never get past it. But then I thought - well, I didn't get anywhere near 30 lbs so this has nothing to do with that... then started laughing because I think 24 lbs is pretty close to 30 lbs and I am seeing the same behaviors, the same issues, the same problems. There is no man in my life, I am not desperately in love with anyone, I have no job to complain about, I decided to not even think about work until September so I have no stress, I am not mad at anyone, I don't feel that I have let anyone down, I just got back from two weeks away so it's not that I am sick of being stuck at home, I have had people around me when I want, no one around me when I don't want, I exercise when I want, I sleep when I want, I have no problems, no worries, nothing is wrong... and yet, still, nothing is right.
Am I hard to please or what?
Another change is that I am not stressing about it. I feel that it will go away. I feel that, no matter what I do or say right now, this will go away and I will get up and do all of the things that I have to do.
Now let's wait and see if I'm right. The scary part is - how long do I wait? I guess I will know when I know.
Arg! I have a severe case of the 'don't wanna's' and it's really... really not bothering me as much as it usually would. Hmm. It's bothering me but more in a factual kind of way more so than emotional. I am supposed to go out with Lisa tonight but I don't wanna. Stacey stayed over last night and she was gone when I got up this morning; I keep thinking that I should call her but I don't wanna. Fabe called about an hour ago; I saw his number on the call display but just thought, no, I don't wanna. I'm having diet Coke and fudge for breakfast, I'm watching tv shows that I have absolutely no interest in; I keep thinking that I should get off the couch but I don't wanna.
It's kind of strange to have these I don't wanna's with no other emotion. Usually I would be in bed crying or leaving work because I can't stop crying or shutting all of the phones off because I can't handle it anymore; I would be hating myself because I keep letting everyone down and I am fat and ugly and I need to push everyone away. Today, though? I'm just sitting here. I'm just waiting for it to go away. I'm just sitting here until I feel like not sitting here anymore.
But am I? I have put on at least 5 pounds. I was laughing to myself the other day - how many times have I talked about the fact that I have lost 30 lbs several times in my adult life but I could never get past it. But then I thought - well, I didn't get anywhere near 30 lbs so this has nothing to do with that... then started laughing because I think 24 lbs is pretty close to 30 lbs and I am seeing the same behaviors, the same issues, the same problems. There is no man in my life, I am not desperately in love with anyone, I have no job to complain about, I decided to not even think about work until September so I have no stress, I am not mad at anyone, I don't feel that I have let anyone down, I just got back from two weeks away so it's not that I am sick of being stuck at home, I have had people around me when I want, no one around me when I don't want, I exercise when I want, I sleep when I want, I have no problems, no worries, nothing is wrong... and yet, still, nothing is right.
Am I hard to please or what?
Another change is that I am not stressing about it. I feel that it will go away. I feel that, no matter what I do or say right now, this will go away and I will get up and do all of the things that I have to do.
Now let's wait and see if I'm right. The scary part is - how long do I wait? I guess I will know when I know.
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