You know what's funny? Last month I bought a new journal and planned to stop writing in here and switch to that one. I guess it was yet another attempt to renew, to change, to get a clean slate. This past couple of years of change and growth have been terrific. Hard at times, draining, rough, but wonderful. I don't want a clean slate from that. I've come a long way, I've worked hard. And every time I roll my eyes and wait for the too good to be true times to end. But that's a load of crap! I deserve these good times. I've suffered for them. But I guess the reason that I wait for them to end is because they always have. I've found love and lost it, I've lost weight and found it. All of the things that I want I have already had in some small or significant way. What I need to remind myself is that the clouds that always turned everything dark are no longer there. Sure there's temporary shadows and even a total eclipse here and there. But the roller coaster ride has ended. I need to be comfortable getting off.

My, aren't I the analogy girl tonight? Deep, very deep! ;-)

Okay, here are today's thoughts. WAIT! I just had a little one that I'd like to share! I quit smoking on August 7th and my two month anniversary passed and I didn't even notice! I really think I'm a non-smoker now! Little pangs here and there but they are quick and fleeting and I know I'll never be that stupid again.

Okay, where was I? Oh, I'm starting to wonder if my brave exclamations of the wonderful world of singledom are merely veiled attempts to avoid men. Avoid putting myself out there again. It's almost 6 months now, why do I still periodically wonder? I think wishing for what could have been takes a lot less never than going out there and finding what could be.

I guess part of me is really getting bothered by my tendency to put everything on hold until I'm perfect, until I'm exactly who I want to be. Well, honestly Beverly, I sincerely hope that never happens. Then where do you go? What do you do?

And the saying goes something like "life is what happens when you are busy making other plans". I don't want to miss any more than I have. Isn't it funny how these small basic things are so difficult to me? Such a struggle. Honestly, I think it's habit. I forget that I am different now.

Oh, but it's hard to put yourself out there.

Oh, but it's harder to be alone for the rest of my life.