Exerpt from Canadian Living Magazine: Relationships:Love

"You carry a personal navigation system within you to guide your way in the land of love. Each person has a vision of how his life should look, but only a few people have access to this picture. They mistrust their life-GPS and put their faith instead in external "facts" that they read in newspapers. They trust what their parents, teachers, or friends say. They don't dare to ask anymore what answer is slumbering inside of them, what assignment they may have received from life, what dream they should transform into reality.

It is a tragedy how much bravery is no longer thought and how much greatness is no longer done."

And he said...

hey bev



ya i would like to go for a drink sometime with you..that would be cool..as a couple of grown ups??i don't know about that..i'm still in my childhood


and thanks for being open with me

Composition of possible email to Rob

I don't know if I will want to send this but I keep composing it in my head so I figured I might as well write it down at least.

Hi Rob:

Well, this is sorta weird and embarrassing so I guess I'll jump right in... would you be interested in meeting me for a drink or something one day, just me and you? No pressure, no strings, no expectations. Just a couple of grown ups hanging out when Nathan is busy with other things.

After I sent you that 'copy and paste' email last night, I remembered how much fun I had in our early email days... I really used to look forward to our back and forth conversations, you made me laugh and I enjoyed how you would get excited about your son and his sports. Before we met I remember thinking that, even if the romantic stuff didn't pan out, you were someone I would like to have as a friend. I felt we kind of clicked somehow.

And that made me wonder why we didn't click in person. Obviously, I don't know how you feel about it all but I would like to tell you the answer from my perspective.

To start, simply put... I choked. I have not liked someone new in a long, long time and, as soon as I saw you on that soccer field, I ran face first into a wall of insecurity that I used to hide behind oh so many years ago. I was attracted to you and I reacted by pulling away.

Also, I never dated anyone who had a child before. I was so busy having fun with Nathan that day at the aquarium that I overlooked the fact that you and I were supposed to be getting to know each other, too. And I sometimes tend to get caught up in observing the world and forget to just let my guard down and participate. There are many things that I wanted to know about you but somehow I didn't ask... I guess I thought it would keep for another day.

You said that I was great with kids but I'm great with grown-ups, too... I didn't take the chance that I had to show you that so I'm asking for another. And I honestly have no expectations here - I have no idea of your perspective on this - I just felt that I needed to ask the question... because you never know...

Okay, okay... you win!! The truth is I just want to see your burnt nose!! lol

Hope you guys had a good practice... what a beautiful day!

Bev



*** And I just sent it. 6pm

Big discovery!

I just had a revelation that practically knocked me off my feet. When I was writing that email to Rob earlier, I thought that it was funny that my tone had returned to exactly how it was before I met him. When we were emailing I was outgoing and witty, and we clicked - I know we did. Then I met him and realized that strong attraction for him and I went into observe mode. The problem is that I spent so much time observing that I forgot to participate.

I have always felt like I was on the outside looking in. Could it possibly be because that's exactly what I was always doing?? Maybe it wasn't that I had low self-esteem which manifested itself through my seratonin deficiency (not to discount that because I truly believe that it made a huge impact on my life), and that really never made sense because I didn't believe all of those bad things about myself. I was just trying to explain or figure out why I was so happy when I was by myself or with Stacey and other friends but I was so unhappy when I was with a man for any length of time (or any stranger when I was younger). I always stood on the outside and watched and observed and I think I just forgot to participate. That's why these men never know me. That's why I always thought I was wrong. The men ended up as friends.

I always phrased it as being able to remain friends with my boyfriends but I realized tonight that it's more like I have been able to only be friends with my boyfriends. As soon as that idea of a relationship was off the table, my whole persona changed back to me. Yes, I lose myself in relationships but only through neglect and perhaps a bit of laziness. That's why I usually only fall for men that I'm not attracted to... I don't do that pulling back... until after I fall for them and then it's too late because they are already in too deep. Wowsers, dude. That's huge.

Holy moly! Baby...

I just discovered something about myself. And something that is quite possibly the reason that I am at odds with the men that fall in love with me.

I was sitting here thinking about how different communications were between Rob and I when we emailed and when we were in person. How could we have clicked so well in writing but not at all in person? Because I suck at dating.

I did not make an effort to talk to him. With Nathan, I couldn't find enough to say; with Rob, I was awkward and uncomfortable, I was pleasant enough and had a good attitude but whatever it was in me that Rob was attracted to via email was gone in person.

And that tendency has always been there - perhaps the only e... nope, I was going to say perhaps the only exception was Ian but it was there with him, too. The funniest part is, when I try to figure out why I realized that I just didn't think of it. I chat with people everywhere. I talk to everyone. I love to ask questions and find out how people feel about different topics and to learn about their experiences. I guess, again, the habit was to lose myself and, even when I worked emotional stuff out, the habit was still there. Exactly like the eating. Just a hard habit to break. Of course, actually recognizing it should assist somewhat in that department!

When I thought he liked me... no, even before then... I walked up to him in that park and I was a different person. Obviously the weight couldn't have been too important to him... he saw pictures of me before we met and emailed me right after the meet-cute. I just detached from my personality the moment I was in his presence. If he was an older man or a kid, someone that I wasn't attracted to, you wouldn't be able to slow me down but this good looking guy? I'm nice enough. I smile, I'm agreeable, everything is okay at all times. And I forget to be myself.

I guess it wasn't outwardly apparent with Lyle because he didn't shut up. Even though from day one I felt uncomfortable, like I wasn't really being true to myself. I just turn into this "whatever you want" girl. The reason I hate that sentence so much is probably because I want to do whatever they want to do... and if they feel the same, there's no where to go with it. Hm. Hm... need to process this a little more.

Fishin'

Okay, I have a new profile that I think I should leave up for a while. Guys probably think I'm a freak with all the fixin' and changin'. And it's time to step up the outside work... got to get up to speed with the inside. You know it occurred to me the other day that I never look at other women and say "I wish I looked like her" or "I wish I had her ass"... I look at them and say "I could look like that", "I will look like that" and "where can I get me one of those?" Me likey.


"Love dogs, kids rock, gardening is a new and beloved hobby. I am not a stressed out, high-strung person. I think a home should be filled with music and laughter - and sometimes peace and quiet - but living alone is just getting too silent... I've heard all of my jokes so there is very little laughter anymore! lol

I am looking for someone who is passionate, considerate, energetic and fun.

Drop me a line and let's see what happens from there. Otherwise, I wish you much luck in your search.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Remember:
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you."

Sleep

I can't sleep. It's after 6am; Stacey and I watched movies and went to bed at 10:30pm. I woke up at 2:30am and the rest, as they say...

Anyway, I'm effin' bored. I was working on my POF profile but then I kinda wondered why I was trying to force it when the words just weren't coming to me. Because I'm tired and I can't think straight, most likely. Crap.

But here's an interesting update... well, three updates, actually... what a whore! lol

Before I went to sleep on Friday night, I decided to try communication and sent messages to a couple of swimmers. First, I will tell you about Johnny because I don't think I really mentioned him yet. We chatted online last week and got totally drunk together and flirted. The conversation ended with him wondering how much it would cost to get a cab from Vancouver to Langley... and I say ended because that was when I turned off the computer. He's kinda cute, I had fun flirting with him but he is in no way my kind of guy. He sent a few messages since, basically asking why I wasn't chatting with him and the last one said "when are we going to hook up". So, I sent him a message and said "Sorry, I'm just not the kinda girl 'hooks up' anymore. I used to be so I can still talk the talk but I no longer walk the walk." *giggle* He replied with "if ever you have to have that 'itch' scratched, dont hesitate to msg me." But I scratched it myself a couple of hours ago. (instead of warm milk but it didn't work... obv!)

The second message was to Rob and basically said that he was way cuter than his profile pic and that he would probably have better luck if he changed it. (I'm so forward sometimes! I wonder if that freaks people out?) He was sweet and thanked me for my kindness. He said he hopes that I find the right guy, that I was a very nice person and great with kids and Nathan always plays with the little frog thingys that I bought him at the aquarium. I was going to reply saying that we still have to bungy jump but I decided to let sleeping dogs lie.

And then I sent a note to Dave and said that he owes me a buck fifty for the water that I had to buy at Tim Horton's while I was waiting for him to not show up and that a phone call would have been way cheaper. lol He said that he was there (I love how he said that he kept the receipt to prove it! hmmm) which is totally believable because I was five minutes late and he said he didn't think I would show anyway because I didn't call at 3pm like I was supposed to. (although I never intended to call at 3pm, I thought it was all confirmed) He asked why I didn't call him and I said that I was too busy laughing my ass off, which Stacey said he probably took as a bad thing considering the circumstances so I then send another note saying "Um... that's when you are supposed to reschedule, sir. I had fun talking to you the other night; I kinda thought you were enjoying yourself, too. Are you going to let a little misunderstanding become a roadblock?" We are still working out the where and when.

How brave am I, huh? So impressed. So cool. So me.


*** So, Dave emails and says he wants to have coffee today, I call him to ask what time, what time for what he says. He seems distracted so I asked if he wanted to call me back, yeah, I'll call you in a couple of minutes he says. The phone rings 45 minutes later - I didn't even bother to pick it up.

****** I did email Rob a nice, funny reply and said that he has to go bungy jumping and I want to see his pics.

What can I say?

Laughter wore off a little while ago... I still think it's fricken funny but it's hard not knowing what comes next. I was so much more comfortable back in the day when I controlled what happened. Not that it always turned out the way I wanted it to but it was definitely me who made most of the major moves. Now I wait.

I'm not sure if it would be better for me to contact Dave and give him heck and then laugh about it. It would be much better for him, sure, but would it be better for me? And, at the same time, I wonder is it dumb to wait for him to contact me? I wonder the same thing about Rob because I really want him to want me but it's pretty obvious that he doesn't. He should be emailing or calling me, right? I sent him a nice email, he knows I like him, I shouldn't push it past that, should I? But, if I don't do something, will I just be saying goodbye to someone who doesn't necessarily want to say goodbye to me? And how long do I wait? If this method/theory doesn't work out, when will I know that? Sadly I need to just let it be and see what happens.

This is how it's done now... open the door and step back. If I'm right I will know it and if I'm wrong I will figure it out eventually. This is how I need it to be right now... I will figure it out eventually. I have time.

Also, I applied for another job today! It's as a shopping centre manager!!! How effin' cool would that be, dude? I loved it when I worked at it oh so many years ago. What a challenge that would be! It makes my heart pump a little harder... and that, my friends, is what we're looking for!

???

He totally stood me up! How awesome is that? I have been laughing my ass off for the past hour!

jeepdave

Well, I'm meeting a new guy today. We spoke for 2 hours on the phone last night. He's pretty funny, seems like an okay guy. Lots of "does the carpet match the drapes" kind of comments. Kind of funny actually but he's not supposed to know that yet. lol Anyway, we'll see. I'm not getting myself worked up over it! Practice, practice, practice! But WHAT AM I GONNA WEAR???

I will get it

I will. I will be wrong as many times as it takes for me to be right. I will lose this tire around my heart and I will show me. I just have to. I'm sitting here wondering what I've done wrong, should I ask Rob for feedback, ask Fabe what he thinks. And it occurred to me that maybe that could be why I can't find anyone. I keep asking other people's opinion on who they think I should be. How would you rather I act? Okay, I will change then. But that didn't help things work out - quite possibly the opposite because I would try to be something I'm not. And the next guy would come along and not want me because of how the first guy told me to be. And all I'm hearing is you're wrong. You can't do anything right. Forget them. Be yourself... eventually someone will see it, appreciate it, want it. What a fucking curse. Being too nice. Is it that people think I act too nice so I must be faking it?

Muther father, dude... how funny is it that I think that men don't want to be with me because I'm too good, too wonderful... they just can't handle it. Hahaha... holy shit, that is funny. Where the fuck did you come from, girlfriend! Go get me a chocolate bar! Sweet.

Yes, I will get rid of this gut. I don't like it. I don't want it. I have been so certain my whole life that the reason guys didn't like me was because I was too fat. Wouldn't it be hilarious if I lost all the weight and it turned out that, after all of this pain and frustration and mental exhaustion of looking under every single stone and uncovering every scar, wouldn't it be hilarious if the reason guys didn't like me was actually because I am too fat? That would be pretty ironic. It's a theory that I am fairly certain I am going to test. I figure it's one of those win-wins... I deserve the right guy and if he's looking for someone smaller - not skinny or thin... just fit and real - I will find him. And, even if I'm wrong, at least I will look good in a pair of jeans.

Nothing

I am so unbelievably bored. I haven't spoken to another human being except Stacey for the past two days. I just don't know what to do with myself. There are things that I could do I guess but, basically, I just don't want to be alone anymore. Fuck.

I applied for a job yesterday as office manager for an ice rink... sounds awesome but I am a little concerned that it won't pay enough. Fingers crossed for an interview, I guess.

Boo

He didn't call.
He didn't email.
I know it doesn't mean anything.
I know.

On the edge of a meltdown. Wasn't that a song? Sigh. I know, I know. I see where it used to come from and it's really tempting to fall into old habits but I'm not going to do it. Logically, I know that him not contacting me on one day doesn't mean anything. It's just that this was the first day he ever spent with me so it's possible that he doesn't like me. Maybe he didn't realize on the day we met. Or he wasn't sure either and wanted to meet but I over did it... I can't believe that. I can't. I won't. Even if it's true that he doesn't like me, it doesn't mean that no one ever will. He's out there. Someone. Right? I mean it's not like I'm desperate and I will take anyone, I don't even know Rob yet. At this point, if he's not the one for me that would be disappointing but not the end of the world. I do believe that I will find someone and we will be happy and I can not settle and I can't wish that I could be with a guy who doesn't want to be with me. I don't have time for it.

And don't jump the gun yet. Anything could have happened. I am sometimes hard to take. (is that still my mother back there in the back of my head?) I had a good feeling - aren't I there yet? I call myself this good judge of character... doesn't that mean that I should let this go and trust myself? Just let it go. Stop fighting it. Stop. Just have a little faith in yourself for a change.

And the fact that you are getting your period does explain your weepyness and sore breasts but it does not excuse losing faith and letting everything fall to pieces. Stop hiding. Get out there and be this person that you speak so highly of. Get up, get your shit together. No one else is going to do it for you. They can't. Do it for yourself. Self fulfilling prophecy, remember? Let's flip it and use our powers for good instead of evil... make it true, Beverly, you can make it true. You can. You can. Just let it go and believe. That's the difference, remember? She believes. And so can you.

I think I need so much to be this person right now that I am half expecting it to be taken away from me.

This is exactly the area that causes me so much trouble, though. You know what happened? I put myself out there. I said something really nice to him and gushed maybe a little and I wait for proof of success and, if that proof doesn't come at the time I expect it (I'm talking moments), I'm out the door. Because I think I have proof of the bad stuff instead of realizing that anything could have happened, nothing could have happened, he could be tired, he could be cranky, he could be unsure and that's okay. Slow means more than two days. Just chill the fuck out and let what will be, be. You control you.

WTF

I just sent this to Rob... is that good or bad????

Hi Rob:

Just wanted to let you know that I had a great time with you and Nathan today. The lacrosse game was seriously entertaining and I felt comfortable and welcome all day.

You are such a fantastic father, Rob. I know about these things; I have a very good father who loved and protected and provided for his kids but he was also usually quite irritated and impatient with us. You are patient and loving but, at the same time, you give him boundaries and structure and positive lessons... and you look like you are having fun doing it. I think that is just awesome!

Have a good day tomorrow! (hope you guys get some rest tonight... I napped for a bit earlier!) And wish me luck... because tomorrow I start handing out resumes! (stress!! lol)

Bev

On how to live life

If you believe that every day
can improve on the day before:
every love will be your best love,
every gift a cherished memory;
every tear will dry a little faster,
every hurt will hurt a little less;
and every single time you're wrong,
you will be just a little more right.

Right?

OMG. I think I might be right. All of the questions that I have asked during the past year, all of the unproven solutions and theories, all of the hypothesis are coming to this... finding the answer. And the answer is yes. I can be this person. I like her a lot. I can love and I can give and if it doesn't work out? Hey! What are you going to do? That's life. Again, I can only control my actions. If I am truly myself and act in a manner that communicates my self, then I've done my part. No matter what happens, I can only do my part, I can't do anyone else's. I can be proud to have tried and I will try again and again because I do believe that it will happen. And I will feel it - the good and the bad. I will appreciate it, I will enjoy it and I will cherish it. (sorry, stoned.)

It makes me well up a little when I think it could be Rob but I don't know. The testing part is winding down, now I start to evaluate the answers. The basics are all there. He got my jokes, I liked his replies when we were emailing. I saw him and I liked him, he liked me too. Today I went to Nathan's lacrosse game then we went to breakfast and the aquarium. And it was just fun. For one thing, I don't think that I have ever enjoyed the aquarium so much. (did you know that was also my first date with Karl? So much different it's scary!) I have been there a dozen times or so but I never looked at specifics, I didn't pick and poke and wander and laugh and read and get excited by what I saw the way I did with Rob and Nathan. Part of that might have been seeing it through a child's eyes... what a different perspective!

Watching those kids banging around in their great big helmets and padding and they are trying to knock each others sticks and score was awesome... the little goalie was a dream - had no idea what was going on but he got the hang of it eventually and Nathan was totally hogging the ball because his dad said that he could eat all of the Timbits if he got a hat-trick so he tried over and over and over. It was fun to watch Rob on the sidelines, interacting with other people (less than me because you know what I'm like), he says that he is quiet but it's a quiet confidence, not a meekness. That's a huge difference. This guy is pretty awesome. I have probably said before but, even if things don't work out with us romantically, I would like to have him as a friend. But I really hope they do work out romantically, of course.

I'm comfortable with his driving - that's a rare one for me... I don't like anybody's driving but mine and Fabian's. He doesn't have any money but that's cool, neither do I. And while I was wasting $10,000 redecorating my place about four months before I moved out, he was feeding his child. Who's the better person here? (and you know I don't mean that literally) He has not traveled much and has never been on a plane but he does stuff. People who are into traveling a lot do big stuff but don't realize how much pleasure there is in small stuff. Rob plays with his kid at the park, he takes him to the aquarium, he encourages him to draw and says nice stuff about his drawings. Have you ever heard of such a thing?? I asked him in an email once if he had cheat notes because how is this possible ???? (as Debra would tell me, hang on Bev, he will turn out to be a boozer or wife beater, you'll find it!)

I liked him. I wanted to touch him. I looked at his hands and his butt and I sized him up (sheesh! never thought that he might have been doing the same to me all day! cripes!!!), I rubbed against him a couple of times and sizzled a little bit, I think he did the same to me (but I'm not sure... quiet boys aren't very forward in that department... as long as he keeps calling, I can wait). I listened to him talk to his son, I listened to him talk to the waitress, I listened for griping or whining or moaning or complaining and there was none. There was no negativity. He held doors, he smiled, he colored, he teased, he didn't get mad when I broke his glove compartment, he didn't feel like he had to pay for everything but bought breakfast and paid me back for the parking, he was interested in learning and exploring, he wanted to know. I like that so much.

When it came to fathering, there were rules, there was structure and consequences but there was no berating, no putting down, no making fun of, no hurting, no fighting. He said way to go when Nathan scored 4 goals in the game and he waited until later to give him some tips on how he can improve. He didn't say you were good but not good enough, he said way to go and an hour later said you should try to hold your stick this way. That's fathering. Holy shit. It exists. In real life!!

Rob is planning Nathan's birthday party and he was telling me about the loot bags and he was just... I don't know, just enjoying himself. Practically giggling. Rob was trying to get Nathan in the shower last night while we were on the phone and Nathan kept mooning him so Rob told him that I could see him through the phone. And Rob is just having the time of his life. How cool is that??? Seriously, wow.

Rob's ex had two children from a previous relationship and Rob calls them his daughters. That means that Rob can love without blood. It amazes me how many people say that they could never adopt or foster a child because it would never feel like their child without their blood. (I don't think people pay much attention to learned behaviors. Yes, your blood is giving them red hair but your behaviors are giving them their personalities and that's what will last. It will pass on and on, through friends and family and their friends and their families and it will make a difference. I wonder if Rob feels that way?)

Nathan is cute. He's 7 and his birthday is coming up on November 10th. He has a dad who loves him and dotes on him, as it should be. Rob says he recognized his regret that his parents took him out of sports at too young of an age and he wants Nathan to continue, even when he struggles a bit, because it's important in his development. My parents let me quit everything so I totally agree with Rob's stance on that. I would love to go to soccer and lacrosse games every weekend. I don't think I would do all the... okay. Stop. Getting ahead of ourselves. Stop making up who they are and what it will be like because I don't know. Could he possibly like me? Seriously? I don't know but I think he can. Let's just wait and see.

But let me quickly say that I'm kind of dating the both of them right now. They are a matched set, you don't get one without the other. I am testing and observing them and my reaction to them. And I like what I see. I can tell that Rob is a good person to a very large degree because of how he treats his son and the lessons that he is teaching him. I can tell that Nathan will turn out just fine because he is loved and cared for by a good person. They are a testament to each other.

And I felt like I was there, I could safely be me, and I was a part of something... and I liked it.

Horoscope

Scorpio
October 23 - November 21
Your daily surroundings are currently changing, dear Scorpio. Perhaps your circle of friends has already undergone a major change. The fact is that you no longer have so many prejudices about the people you meet, and no longer seek out only a certain type of person as a friend. You accept whoever comes along. You may not realize it, but your attitude is completely different now from what it once was. Good for you!

Horoscope

Scorpio
October 23 - November 21
You have reached one of the most climactic times of year in regard to love and romance, dear Scorpio. This is the time when the dream that you have been working toward finally materializes, or you realize that all your efforts are a complete failure. All depends on how you played your cards over the past few months. This is one of those moments of reckoning when you are faced with reality; you must bring your ship down to the landing pad and check in with the base.

Update

So, I guess a quick update about Rob is required. We emailed a couple of more times and spoke on the phone for about an hour. I can't say that I'm head over heals for him... I mean, he's nice enough but I doubt he's the one for me. I will see him again if he asks but, if he does not ask, I won't lose any sleep over it.

The important part was that he emailed me after he met me. It was confirmation that, yes, a good looking guy can want you... it gave me a confidence that I was lacking... perhaps that was my lesson from Rob... and that's pretty cool.

Rodney became Robyn

Email Between Robyn and Me


From me:

Hi! I hope I didn't embarrass you or any thing with that cleavage comment the other day (it's sometimes hard to read tone in the written word!). But, if it did bother you, please feel free to delete it... no worries! I really meant it, though - you look great!

So, I will either make it worse, better or make no difference at all but I want to tell you how much I respect and applaud you for being true to yourself. It's not just what is on the outside... it's being strong enough to show others who you are on the inside (something that I have struggled with a lot myself lately), especially when some find it difficult to understand.

I'm sure you have faced a lot of obstacles over the years but, even on your most difficult days, I hope you know that you are inspiring others and giving them support to be true to themselves as well.

And I think that's pretty fuckin' awesome!
I think you are pretty fuckin' awesome!!
I hope you think so, too!

Take care,
Bev




From Robyn:

Hi Bev,

Not at all, I thought it was a cute comment...I know you well enough to know you were joking...I've always liked your sense of humour. And there's nothing to make worse, but your email did brighten my day as one of the sweetest things anyone has said to me in a very long time.

As for obstacles, I think I was my own biggest obstacle. It's amazing that the world was so much more understanding and accepting of me than I was of myself. It's one of those things where you worry about losing friends / family / career but at the end of the day, I was very lucky and didn't lose any of those. Wishes can come true...I remember looking in the mirror one day in university and saying that I couldn't do it anymore and made the only really true wish in my life..."that I just wanted to be an average girl", nothing more. Believe it or not, that one wish came true. Tried again for a million dollars...didn't work (joke).

Besides, it's easy these days because most don't know my history....except on Facebook where past meets present...scary thought which almost keeps me away but people have been perfectly behaved, that I am aware of anyway.

I really cannot see you struggling to show people who you are on the inside. In my mind, you have always been outspoken and very confident of exactly who you are.....and funny too. Just remember to be true to yourself on the inside because at the end of the day, you have to live with yourself more than anyone else.

Thanks again for your very kind email.

Take care,
Robyn

And "I think you are pretty fuckin' awesome too!!"




My reply (but I don't think I will send it):

You know what's really funny... when I read what you said about seeing me as outspoken and confident, I realized my biggest obstacle was me, too... I seemed to be the only one who didn't see that person. I was so quick to see the best in others but I could not find a way to see it in me.

By the time I hit my teens, my life was already a struggle that I could barely manage but I was able to keep it from most people... I felt like everything I did/said/felt was wrong, I hated myself so much and I didn't believe that anyone could, would or should care for me. And I felt so little for myself - I also didn't want anyone to see this side of me because then they would know how wrong they were about me - so I spent a lot of time alone and pushed everything and everyone away.

I was constantly in or recovering from crisis after crisis and each crisis made me believe the bad stuff about myself just a little more. Then, when I found myself on the floor with a bottle of pain killers in my hand a few years ago, I knew that I either had to go through with it or figure out where all this pain was coming from... so I went into therapy and was diagnosed with clinical depression. I guess that was my one wish come true - answers!

Anyway, I have done some pretty intense work on myself over the past few years. The medication made a huge difference but it was still tough to accept the person that everyone else saw after all those years of self hatred. Now I have accepted her, kinda like her a lot actually... the task at this point is learning to be her... learning to be me. I still struggle with insecurities and letting people see them (which is why I have been composing this email for almost a week, I guess!) but it's getting easier.

It's weird, isn't it... you just don't know what kind of struggles people go through... behind closed doors, as they say. You let your inside come out and I let my outside come in. And, I have to say, I'm pretty damn proud of the both of us!!!

I'm glad we had this little chat! ;-)

Bev xxx


*** I sent this almost one week later.


From Robyn:

Hi Bev,

Apologies for the delay in responding. I got your message when I got back in London this week but Facebook is blocked from the office here because it was the most popular website for a while! As I'm a little homeless at present in London, I never got to Facebook until today.

I do admit to sitting, reading your message in amazement, several times. I really, really commend you for being so strong. I also thank you so much for sharing that with me when you didn't have to.

Obviously you've had a tough time but the important part is that you dealt with it and are that much better for it. There are certain things that get worse with time unless you do something about it...even when it would be so much more convenient to tuck them away and try forget them...which you never can. I'm really happy that you got the help you needed. It's interesting that people have to come to a breaking point before they actually do something...at least for me it would have been much easier to do something at the very beginning. Hindsight is 20 / 20 though.

Please don't ever be insecure about yourself. From when I knew you way back when, you were someone that I was jealous of in many ways. I, along with everyone else, saw you as a 'fun, popular, girl with a sense of humour strong enough to get you through anything'. I hope that sense of humour has helped your down the path. Regardless of what you thought of yourself, you left a very positive and lasting impression on me and many others.

I guess we both did a pretty good job lying to each other in high school about our true feelings!!

It would be really great to get together for a chat if we are ever in the same city. Thanks again so much for sharing with me.

Take care,
Robyn xox

Oui

I am so excited that he emailed... that's all.

HE EMAILED!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Poop

Oh, I'm bummed. He was cute! (is cute, I guess... haha most likely!) Yeah, he's cute. Nice guy. Kinda shy-ish? He started the conversation totally at first, then we were about equal, then he again. Was he just being polite?

Okay, I was prepared to not be attracted to him but still be his friend in a non-physical way. I was not prepared for him to be hot! Crap. That just changes all the rules and my good ole insecurities come a flooding back. Actually, I don't even consider that an insecurity. I look at that more as human nature, male instinct, logical truth.

Of course, if he is really fucked up and insecure he might be into me. (don't laugh... it's happened before... probably lots)(sigh. see??? insecurity... but whatever) Because, let's look at the facts, he liked my jokes, he responded to our emails quite well, we clicked on the computer and he mentioned a few of those things today. I'm not disgusting. I'm fat, too fat but I guess I am kinda cute otherwise. If everyone says Debra and I look so much alike, how can I not take that as a compliment... she is beautiful. And perhaps I would be beautiful at her size. But I'm not her size. And I know, I know, I'm awesome but, seriously, a good personality can only take you so far... it can't create miracles. He's hot and I'm not. Them's the facts.

That little angel-y chick on my right shoulder just whispered in my ear... what if the problem is not the body but he doesn't call back for some other reason? What if it's something you said, maybe you came on too strong, maybe he thinks you're baby crazy and... fuck, the little angel and the little devil are both assholes!!!

God, I hope he likes me. That is big. I don't think I have ever said that at this point. (**yeah, I've said it... I think it just didn't freak me out as much this time) Or even let myself think it. Of course that's what was going on but I didn't "do" emotions while I was with anyone else... except extreme meltdowns but that's not important right now! lol I wonder how I felt when I met Lyle. Just the fact that I didn't write about him until I had seen him again and had sex with him kind of tells me that I was suppressing. Did I open up to myself, I wonder? I doubt it. (**Stacey and I were talking about this later and I remembered... melt down after melt down... wanting it to end, it was too much. Ah, if something seems to be too good...)

God, I hope he likes me enough to send me an email and ask me out. God, I would really like to see him again in different kind of environment and see if we click, one on one. I like his kid... he's cute, he's a good kid. I enjoyed watching Rob deal with him... But I'm not thinking any further than one or two dates at this point. I still have to see. I'd have sex with him, though. Oh, would I? That makes me uncomfortable. Fuck, what - I finally got some emotions so I have to take them all now? Don't I get to choose? I don't want to be all awkward and embarrassed during sex with anyone! I'm not taking that emotion, I don't care... I'm in that bed to have fun and to give and receive pleasure and I'm not giving that up. If he's there, it's because he wants to be. And that's his problem, not mine. lol Yeah, I'd have sex with him. He's a good looking guy... it's odd to see such shyness in someone so cute. What's with these men? What kind of women have they been with to get fucked up like that? I'll pick up the pieces, baby. You just lay your head right here... (haha! I'm a whore! sigh... I miss sex)

Yes, yes, yes... if he doesn't like me I will move on... chalk it up to a life lesson. Learn from it. Yeah, it's way harder to hear that at this point than I realized. Fuck learning from it. I want his fucking body, man. I like him. And I will learn from this... I just hope that I learn that I am wrong.

Three hours and counting

I think I'm almost more afraid that we will hit it off. If we don't like each other, I will walk away and say "oh well; win some, lose some". If we do like each other... if we click... if he is...

Let's see! If I keep writing I am going to psych myself out!!!!

Horoscope

Scorpio
October 23 - November 21
Obstacles that you may have been encountering in attainment of cherished goals could suddenly seem to be melting away, clearing the way for making your dreams come true, dear Scorpio. This could involve physical health, plans for travel and education, and self-expression. You could also be feeling especially passionate at this time, so a romantic evening with that special someone would be especially enjoyable. You're feeling great, so make sure you look your best as well!

Fear and common sense

I'm afraid. I'm afraid that he won't like me. Also afraid that I won't like him but more that he won't like me. I'm afraid he will think I'm too fat. I'm afraid. And yet... waddaya gonna do, right?

Lost

I think what has really been going on with me is that I have let my self forget a bit of what all of this is about. This is about accepting myself, about not apologizing for being myself. "Sorry, this is what I meant by this joke." "Did you find what I said sounded like I was complaining?" I haven't been trusting who I am again... I have been going back to lie under the covers and wait for it all to go away.

And that is making it go away to a degree. The problem is... when I get up, it's all still there. I eat crap for "one more day" because I almost feel like I am struggling to hold on to my security blanket. This weight has been my excuse for a lot of things in my life, it has been my cloak (ha... like Sheena's hoody and Brandon's long hair). I have been hiding me behind it - practically forever - because I didn't think that I could survive without it. I have gained and lost and gained and lost... never lost past 30 pounds... thought that it was because I was afraid of men even though I knew I wasn't afraid of men... then I thought it was because I suffered from depression and there was nothing that I could do about it back then but now that I have these pills it's just going to fall off. Then it was because I was pushing Ian away. That might have been the closest that I have been... I was pushing everyone away, I was apologizing for being myself, I was agreeing with what everyone else said I was, I was saying yes, Mom, you are right, I am aggressive.

You know what? I'm not. I don't want to be. I'm nice and they haven't figured that out yet. Probably because I still bully them when I am trying to get a point across, probably because I say what I feel, probably because I speak out and say no, that is unjust, that should not be, look what you are doing! Is that aggressive? Hmmm. Perhaps it is. But I'm not aggressive in a mean way, I am trying to help. I am also learning to understand and recognize when my help is not being asked for. But, like I said to Andrew that night, if we are at a restaurant and you ask me how I like my meal, I'm not going to lie about it. If it's not good, I'm not going to get pissy and throw things but I'm also not going to ooh and aah over the rich sauce. Perhaps that is what is polite but who is it helping? I am sick of this being rewarded for nothing. Who is it helping? Is it helping the person who is getting top marks for crappy nail application? Is it helping her customer when she fucks up her nails? Is it helping her family when she starts her own business which subsequently goes under because she sucks at applying nails?? Or!! Or perhaps her instructor could have said... yes, they are very good but you fucked up right here, try again or just not give her an A+ because she's really sweet and you don't want to hurt her feelings?!!

When someone does something fantastic, or just a little above and beyond, I point it out. I say thank you. Does it mean anything if someone gets marks for doing nothing? Is it right when someone gets no marks for doing really well? I want my marks for working hard, not for showing up. I always, in every situation I am in, I consider how I should treat this person... is this person making an effort, being indifferent or overly rude? I will act accordingly. I'm not a bitch about it. I think I'm pretty good about it. And in some situations, sometimes I am a bitch about it if that's how I feel I need to communicate my point... but I do this for good and never, ever, ever, ever, in retaliation or to talk down to someone. I am pointing something out because it needs to be said.

I used to work in a bank as a teller. One day, this lady... this bitch came up to my wicket and she was being a bitch. She was rude and short with me and snappy and, in addition to all of that, she was asking me to do something that was above and beyond the call of duty. She said, I want this level of service from you. I said no. I said, very kindly, perhaps a little too sugary sweet, now that I look back - but I was still learning! - I said "perhaps if you were a little nicer to me, I would offer you that level of service." I didn't say "fuck off, bitch" even though I really wanted to. I didn't do it and swear about her under my breath and tell everyone about what a bitch she is. I said respect me. And you know what she did? Ha... she asked to speak to the manager. And she reamed out the manager... but I think as she was doing so, she realized what I was talking about. Then she apologized. And then I went above and beyond the call of duty for her.

I was talking to Tom and Julie and Stacey at different times about my trip and I told all three of them the same story because I wanted to gauge their reactions. When I was home, I told Mom that she should not be raising a 13 year old boy... she doesn't have the patience for it, she doesn't want to do it and she is not helping his situation. It is true. No one is benefiting from that union - Leonard is being spoken down to, he is being pushed away when a hug or a moment of positive attention would do a world of good. And they don't want to raise him, Mom and Dad want to help, their heart is in the right place, their intentions are good but they are just not willing to do what is required anymore. Everyone that I told that story to was going yep, you're right Bev, exactly, they shouldn't be doing it. When I told them that I told Mom the same thing, they each looked at me in shock and said "you actually told her that?" Yes, she needed to know. It's true, she knows it, I just pointed it out. And now she says it, now she knows that she is not letting anyone down for letting him go when this agreement expires at the end of the month and she isn't hating herself for making him leave, it's in his best interest. Now he will be getting a new chance. She has told him that it's not him, she is just too old to raise a thirteen year old boy, she said that she saw the difference in how I was dealing with him and how positively he reacted to that, she saw the patience that she just doesn't have. How is telling her that wrong, people? How is it better to say those things behind her back and not try to help? She would still have him, she wouldn't be happy, she would be bitching at him and about him constantly, she would be damaging him and making him think that he doesn't count or that he is doing something wrong, even though there is no way for him to make it right. Is it better to watch a bus drive straight at a kid and say nothing? Would you not yell out or fucking tackle him??? It is helping and not by ridiculing or nagging but in a positive healthy way... I am telling you that your fly is down, not that you have a small dick - there's a difference!

Maybe my visit with my parents affected me more than I realized. Maybe some of their words got in again and I didn't even realize it. Sitting alone in my room while I was sick and then seeing how Leonard was told to do the same kind of got to me. I am different, it is true... that doesn't mean different is wrong. I'm listening to the feedback, I am watching, I am testing and I am helping. I have something special. My mother told me that tonight. And she's right but I guess, in the all or nothingness I could only hear one side... there's only two sides, the good or the bad and I defaulted to the norm.

Same thing with Rob. Yes, I hope that I like him a lot and I hope that he likes me but I don't need him to like me. It will happen for me someday, I have to believe that I will find what I'm looking for and there is no way that I can know right now whether it's Rob or not. I was excited about Lyle and it didn't work out because I walked away... I did not run, I followed my instincts and they were right. So, perhaps in my daydreams and fantasies, the image doesn't have to be him. It's just someone right now. If he isn't the one, if I still have lessons to learn before I get this right, I will take those lessons and I will be thankful for them because they will help me get it right. I will take those lessons. And I will heed them. I guess I am still confident that everything will work out as it should.

Of course, as I told Tom, the problem with this theory is that I don't know if it's right or not. It is still in the testing stages. Could go either way at this point!! Haha! The good part of that is, no matter how it turns out, I am still happy. Right now. I want more and I like wanting more. I will fight for it. Even if I am only fighting me.

Next step

I have been driving myself crazy all night. We are going to meet. I'm getting pretty close to the part where I run for the hills!

You know what? He will either like me or he won't. If he does, that's great. But, if he doesn't, there are plenty of more fish in the sea! It seems good so far but we are two weeks of flirty little emails in here. Let's not get carried away. I spend to much time 'what if'ing and I have to learn to let this go, too. That's where I cause problems. Who knows? There is absolutely nothing that I can do about it at this point... we will either like each other or we won't or somewhere in between... let it happen and stop playing it out, already!

I am responsible only for the things I do; I can not control the things that others do.

Yes, I hope he likes me. I hope we hit it off. But if we don't... I'll be one step further ahead for the next time. I am choosing. Who. I. will. be.

Right now

It's like... this is going sound stupid but I guess that won't be a first so... you know those kids in the after school special type movies? They are sad, latch-key kids, whatever... they aren't happy for whatever reason... and for whatever reason they aren't happy, they think it's their own fault... the kid in this movie knows that if only she did something different, tried harder, she doesn't know what she is doing wrong so she tries and tries to get it right. So I'm an adult and I'm watching this kid in this movie and I am realizing that this movie is about me and I remember what it felt like to be that kid, all alone in the world and hurting... and I think 'you poor kid, I wish you knew what I know'.

And then I thought... what if I can tell someone else, others? I've tested my theories... Debra (and her friends, although I didn't even know at the time), Sheena (and her friends, this time I suspected), Steve's kids, Brandon, Aaron. How many others in small ways? Jenna, Billy... Leonard, David, Calvin, Tom, Cathy? (Maybe someday Mom and Dad... they will be the test of a lifetime.) But what if I can help someone else... like everyday... like as a job... is that... possible??????

Debra was obviously a complete success... when she was young, possibly for the very first time, I thought... at the very least, something is wrong in me and I am going to see if I can make it right in her... this is how I feel about myself and I know it's wrong but I don't know how to make it stop in me so I will make sure that it never starts in you... I will find a way, I will be her third parent, I will do things with her, I will tell her it's okay, I will let her see me cry, I will let her see me fat and struggle both physically and emotionally, and more importantly that she should never feel this way about herself, I will love her unconditionally, I will listen to her and I will hear her, I will do anything that I can to see that child smile. Obviously I didn't do it consciously; like I said, she was the first trial... it was the comparisons that showed me it was a test. And I swear to god, that woman is my most favorite person in the whole world, hands down, no holds barred. She's not perfect... actually, kind of gullible and cute! And confident. And maybe somehow she recognized that she wasn't getting something from Mom and Dad and she looked to me for it. Okay, that's all well and good but she's my family, my blood, I knew first hand what she was missing so that was pretty easy.

Then Sheena came into my life. Sheena. Holy crap, that child was wild. Sheena is my boss, Joe's, former girlfriend's daughter. So, the story goes that Joe met Isha, an African woman - from Africa, how exotic (although, I don't think Joe saw her that way... what do boys know? It's almost embarrassing!). Isha was a young mother with three daughters, one of whom was very young and had no father to speak of. Joe gushed but backed out like a coward when he realized that he would have to raise another child... at least that's the way Joe sees it. Joe lost his son to an accident and his wife to cancer the same year... he then sent his daughter to boarding school and, while I know he loved her dearly, he would not allow himself to be too connected. He's German, for shit's sake! lol But I digress.

Well, back then Joe left Isha because he didn't want another child. Years and years later, Joe was older and making a bit of money, perhaps building up a bit of confidence, he was lonely and he wanted more. So he sent for Isha. In the mean time, it turns out that Isha is now married to another man, whom she was dating while she was dating Joe, her two older children wouldn't speak to her, she was certain that her husband was trying to kill her or something, tapping phones, following her, that kind of stuff. Joe takes Isha and Sheena out here, puts them up in his condo development and takes care of them. Yeah, so, turns out Isha is addicted to crack cocaine. Has been for years. In and out of rehab. Paranoid. She would steal Sheena's allowance from Joe, she would leave Sheena alone over night to go get her fix. There was a huge downward spiral, Isha attempted suicide, went back into rehab, Sheena came to bunk in with Joe (and then she wouldn't leave!). Joe's home was above his office, the office that I worked in three days a week.

And she was a terror! Holy hell on wheels, man. She would have fits and throw things, she had a temper and if she was mad at you, you were gonna find out but quick. She took no shit but she certainly took over. Joe and I kinda became a parenting team - he said yes and I said no. He came to me to discuss his problems with her and he asked me to sit in on "meetings" with them when he needed to (paper and pen in hand) discuss a serious topic (like her doing the dishes sometimes). I didn't want to be her parent, I thought that I would be more helpful as a friend (also, at that time in my life, commitment to just about anything made me want to run for the hills!) Eventually, I started spending more time with Sheena. Joe thought that he was controlling the whole thing by paying for us to go to the movie or to dinner... I totally let him pay because, hey, I'm not stupid, but the money had nothing to do with me seeing her... I would have gladly paid.

I started thinking of some of my older women friends and how much they influenced me and helped me see a different perspective. Joanne who was totally cool when I was about 10 and let me stay at her place sometimes (I'm sure she was probably just giving Mom a break... I asked a lot of questions!); she let me sip her beer once and, when she babysat us while Mom and Dad were in Texas, I totally stole a beer and screamed swear words at my brother and she caught me at both and never told. Hot damn, she was cool. Then, of course my mother and older sister, younger sister, too, I guess, I saw the best in everyone and tried to emulate those qualities myself. My cousin Jackie was my hero when I was a kid, Denise when she gave me the 'Annie' record (how cool was that? she probably doesn't even know how happy it made me, to get that attention), when I got older there was Brenda, Dianne, Sheila and Mick. So many woman who taught me about who I wanted to be. And I wanted to be that to some degree for Sheena, too.

There were times that I doubted I was getting through, she was so frustrating and, while we were very much alike, she reacted in absolutely opposite ways that I was used to. At her age I would cry in the corner but she threw business phones off of balconies. All of this was going down right after I left Karl and started finding my own voice. I had been led my whole life but when I left Karl it was because, deep down, I knew there had to be something different for me, something more. So I went looking for it... and I took Sheena with me. She is now in her second year of university, she is in a healthy relationship, she has tons of friends, confident, beautiful (still testing the limits of her loved ones patience, though... but I think she deserves to... and she's still learning). I brought her home to Newfoundland, helped her make a video-application to be on a tv game show, I then accompanied her to Toronto to be on that game show, Joe and I were her 'parents' at her high school graduation, she is my family. I am as proud of Sheena as I have ever been proud of anyone. And I honestly think that I learned a lot more from her than she did from me.

Please excuse me, is there a word for hyper-digression? Yes, I guess there is. It's probably hyper-digression. (tee hee!) What I was trying to describe was that I have tested my theories of how to communicate with children. I have very successfully tested my theories.

On what level of heaven would I have to be to dare dream of going to school to be some kind of councilor. But where? What? Who? How? I don't know. But I know I would be good at it. Be a good platform from which to start spreading the word, paying it forward, so to speak. Heaven.

Billy was a child up at Julie's camping ground... the second child of close friends. I mostly stayed away from little kids. I did not want to be a parent and I avoided all parent-like activities. But they were trying to put this child in the water and he was freaking out! He was loosing his mind and they couldn't see that they were making it worse with their "don't be silly" attitude. Fear is not silly, people... it's natural and necessary. I brought him into the lake and put him in very slowly, one toe at a time, with lots of giggles and whoops and fun. Moments later, moments later, he was splashing around with the rest of them.

PASS!

Flying colors. Flying!

He said "you change your profile a lot" and that he likes it because he gets to learn more about me. I almost feel like I am now writing the profiles directly to him, telling him about me; wondering, as I get a little closer to really opening up, if the things I say make him like me a little more or a little less? And he asked about the chemistry test... lol... I'm blushing... I told him that he's already taking it - and getting pretty good marks so far, too!!! Brave. Bold. Kinda... me!

Test

No open ended questions on his last email... he said "I'll talk to you later". My old Fabian theory was that when he said that there would be no contact for a while/at all. We'll see. I gave him my email address on my last note to him... real casual like... he lost an email that timed out... but he messaged me on POF. He was charming, he made me smile but no open ended questions so no answers to reply with... I won't email him again unless I hear from him first.


Fuck I'm depressed. Not about this. In general. Sigh. I got to get my shit together. I know, I know... tell me something new.

Huh. Ah-ha. Ah-ha?

It just hit me. The only reason that I felt I was not worthy was that my parents told me that I was not worthy. I totally thought that I was worthy... when I was by myself. Not when there was anyone else around but, when I was alone, I was worthy. I just accepted it without question... as I do most everything else. I adapt. I always hated that about me. I was supposed to bitch and complain and I would fit in. And I did. And that's where the struggle came from.

First of all, when it came to men... wait. I'm getting off the topic. And this is what I'm talking about! Wow.

When it comes to worthiness, I think... omg, I'm too stoned and I'm getting ahead of myself. (Cool!) Hot damn. I love it when this happens. Although I'm getting better at believing that my down times are okay, I still struggle. And I think you're supposed to. I am finally understanding and accepting all of this new (which isn't really that new... but more about that in a minute!) wisdom, this clarity, this acceptance of who I am deep down.

So, in a nutshell, what I realized today is that I have always been like this. I have always been this person, I had this wisdom, this clarity, this ability to see things and say things that very few people are able to do. Most times it works out well, sometimes not and that's okay... because I am making an effort and that is all that I can do. I already believed this stuff but no one else was making the effort so I couldn't make the effort because I was supposed to do what they said. I was supposed to stand meekly by and be led. I didn't realize that I was a leader.

Okay, so I always thought that everyone thought just like me, right. I am now realizing that the main difference is that I'm a logical thinker. That's all there is to it. My whole fucking life, as it seems to turn out, has been extremely blessed and fucked up because the way I think, the way my brain processes things. I thought everyone else already knew this stuff and I was screaming, inside I was aching and dying and being tortured because I thought that everyone else knew this stuff and they weren't doing anything about it and because I am supposed to be like them then I'm not supposed to do anything about it. I wanted to.

I left my home and everything I knew and I drove across the country. Because I knew, deep deep down, that I wouldn't survive if I didn't leave. I was on my death bed almost every day and knew that I couldn't die so I had to leave so that I could live. (Whoa. That's pretty deep!) But the point is that I was deep and I was feeling so much, I wanted so much, I needed so much to be okay. I was different and I couldn't pretend to be the same anymore. I don't think that it was where I lived that made it so difficult, it was what I was learning. Maybe when I was a kid I was interested but I thought... I don't know. I was so afraid of it then.

Shit. Got carried away again. I was talking about logical thinking. a+b=c It's the most basic concept that I have ever known. When I learned it in math, I thought, of course it does, of course it equals c. I guess one of the main themes of this - even though I'm going a mile a minute and I can't think fast enough - I already knew it. This is not new knowledge. I think this knowledge was half the problem because I was tortured that no one else realized it - how could they not? It's so basic. It's c. If your fly is down, I'm going to tell you that your fly is down. I don't understand the concept of being polite in these situations! If my fly is down and everyone can see my pubes hanging out every where... I want someone - the very first person I see - to say hey, pal, your fly is down. It just is. How is that wrong. Am I calling you an idiot or something? Do I think that you are stupid because your fly is down? Or is it a fact that, if I don't tell you your fly is down, perhaps 100 other people will see that your fly is down. Is that not logical? Don't you think that one person pointing it out (one person who really doesn't care and doesn't think it's funny and would never make fun of you for it) is better than 100 people seeing it but not pointing it out? Am I getting my message across?

I have been thinking lately that the biggest change is possibly my ability to communicate how I feel. When I can explain it properly, it's easier for people to accept, I think. Hmmmm... this just knocked me off my feet so I think that I need to think about it for a while before I will be able to make any kind of sense of it. At ease, soldiers.

Lessons

When I start psyching myself out about the things that I wrote in my profile (because I always do!), instead of throwing up crappy one line generic crap, I am going to remember that horoscope. It's time to stop trying to blend in. I'm getting closer, I know I am... shit, I am doing fantastic... character. Even on the bad days, character is character.

And you know what else?? I only need one. I only need one person to reply. The right person. There can be a thousand wrong guys or there can be a thousand nobodies but at some point I will meet the right guy... it will take exactly the same amount of time, no matter what I do (I mean, you have to be proactive and out there, obviously), I can lay in bed under the covers or I can keep becoming the me that I want to be and trust that I will bump into him somewhere... I believe that it will happen... even if it takes another 20 years.

And at the same time, I can admit that I am ready, I want it to be soon but I refuse to be in a rush and pick someone just because I'm lonely. I am lonely but the feelings that I have right now aren't going to dictate the course of my life... I walked down that road. And we're talking winner's choice now... first you have to win. And now I can say that I want this, and get it, and believe that I can get it right. I'm not listening to that me anymore, the one who didn't believe. I'm gonna start chillin' with this new laid back winner chick and see what comes of it. (As scary as that prospect feels sometimes!!!!!)

This guy, Rob, that I have corresponded with a few times seems really nice... he's asking the right questions and telling me the right answers. Patience. Let's see. Maybe, maybe not. He has a seven year old son... I like that idea. I wonder why he has soul custody. I wonder if he will email me again. I wonder. And it's actually kinda fun! Why did I always try to skip this part? I guess because I know who I like when I like him and I don't beat around the bush. I've never had any idea what patience was. I never had any idea how fun this part would be! And I was always too busy trying to live in tomorrow that I forgot to appreciate today. Even with a big belly. Even now. Today... I'm here... this is me.

Compulsed

That's not actually a word... I checked. Do I care?

I've been watching this movie and struggling with a tremendous compulsion to go to McDonald's. Big Mac. Fries. Coke. It's so frustrating. Such a big part of me wants to go. I'm torn between tying myself to the couch and kicking my ass out the door. And, oddly, the part that is kicking is the part that I want to win. How's that now?

The little devil on my shoulder - the one that thinks some grease would be the bomb - is telling me all the reasons why I should. It's almost like it's the being good that is driving me crazy. No pot since Sunday. No inebriation of any kind since Sunday. Other than when I was visiting my parents... no, including when I was visiting my parents, I have not been without some form of drug or alcohol for this long in a very, sadly, surprisingly long time. I'm lazing about on the couch but there is something inside me that is hopping, bouncing, get me something, get me stoned, get me some food, get me something to take away this boredom. Not that I will put the energy to good use and work on my resume or figure out how I'm going to pay for all of the debt. That would be silly. That would be totally unlike me.

I'm scared. I am afraid that I am going to be this fat (or worse) for the rest of my life. I fear that I will not find a good job. I worry that this hole that I have been digging for myself will soon close in on me. Huh. I have this deep down underlying belief that everything will work out fine, this confidence in myself, in the world, in karma and yet all of the doubt that I see in people's eyes is starting to do me in.

And I want to get a Big Mac. Is that so wrong? Would that be so bad? I am bored and I am lonely and I am going crazy and I know that food won't help it... in the long run... instant gratification? Yes, for a moment it would help. Sigh.

Fabe et al

He showed. Mostly because of the chips? lol No, I know he cares about me; I care about him, too. And, as always, it was nice to have an in person visit to remind me of the things that I didn't care for too much. The story is always the same... he puts a bunch of his music and movie files on my computer (which is actually kinda sweet when you think about it but it used to irritate me like the dickens!), he tells me that I'm looking good (which sounds like a line but I like it anyway), we go to the restaurant for lunch and he proceeds to tell me what I should do with the rest of my life. Yes, he is trying to help but he doesn't like for me to have any input (and I just love love love people telling me what to do!). He is trying to save the world... I didn't really see that before. I always took the things that he said as criticism or controlling but I think he really wants to help... he just has a bit of trouble with presentation.

It was good to spend time with him again. He is not what I am looking for. He played an extremely important role in my life and in my getting my shit together but we are past that now. We are friends. And that's all we will ever be. And, of that, I am glad.

Well, I started creating my resume yesterday. I wonder what the future holds for me. This is kind of exciting... in the scariest possible way, of course. But what is really weird is this: apparently, if I were to fit in with 95% of the world, I should be looking for the best pay for the least amount of work, a dream job should be having absolutely nothing to do all day long. Don't get me wrong, I want the pay, but I want the work more. I want to exert myself. I love coming home pooped after a hard day at work. And no one seems to get that. Is it an attitude thing? Are they just saying that they want a boring albeit well-paying job because that's what everyone is supposed to want? Do I take other people's small talk to literally? And is that why small talk bores me so much? (or is it actually because I have had no life to speak of for the past 5 months so I don't have anything to say)

I am lonely, that much is true. I have never in my life wanted so much to have people around me. I guess I don't have the same need for alone time because I can be myself when other people are around now. Hmmm. Hmmmm. I'm bored... onto the next lame attempt to keep myself occupied. I want a job.

Lunch date

Fabe just left... we hung out for three hours. At first it seemed - huh, I don't know what to say. I'm glad I saw him, he's funny and entertaining but it was like going through the whole old process again. He comes in, shows me whatever new thing he's bought, sits at my computer and starts adding stuff to it without really checking to see if I want it (I'd most likely say yes anyway, though, I suppose!). After a while of talking to him, it just seems like he is trying to tell me what to do and run my life again. But I thank him for his opinion and send him on his way... and remember how grateful I am that I met him... and that we are no longer together.

The suspense is killing me

Fabe is supposed to visit tomorrow. Will he show? There is absolutely no way to be sure until he walks through the door. Of course, I brought his favorite Gross Chicken chips... oops, I mean Roast Chicken chips back with me from my trip and he said that he was online recently trying to find out if he could buy them anywhere here. His only downside of living on the other side of the country... chips. Yucky chips. I do hope to see him, though. He is one of the people in my life that I always, always enjoy talking to. Face to face visits sometimes cause a bit of discomfort (it's been two months, dude!) but he is in a committed relationship and attempts at getting it on - other than flirting, of course, cuz why even bother coming over! - are always discouraged and a total turn off. I think he was seeing her the last time we had sex (about a year ago, in between spurts with Ian) but I buried my head in the sand, claimed complete ignorance and that gets me off the hook. Now it would just be wrong.

Looks like that weird little torch that I have carried since the day I met him will never extinguish. I don't want it to. I put him on my 'maybe someday' list and carry on with my day.