A Cowboy Walks into a Drug Store...

----- Original Message -----
From: Beverly McGrath
Sent: Thursday, January 24, 2008 11:56 AM
Subject: FW: A Cowboy Walks into a Drug Store...

A Texas cowboy walked into a drug store and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The elderly woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and as she and her also widowed elderly sister owned the store, there were no males employed there. She then asked if she could help the gentleman.

The cowpoke said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist. The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.

The old bronco-buster agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it."

The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister. When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership in the store, a company car, and $3,000 a month plus living expenses.


Date: Sun, 24 Feb 2008 14:00:11 -0800
From: fabe_p@shaw.ca
Subject: Re: A Cowboy Walks into a Drug Store...
To: newfiebev@hotmail.com

How did you know that was my problem as well?


----- Original Message -----
From: Beverly McGrath
To: fabe
Sent: Thursday, January 24, 2008 2:29 PM
Subject: RE: A Cowboy Walks into a Drug Store...

Haha... well, I don't have a store but how about $5000 a month and living expenses????


Date: Sun, 24 Feb 2008 14:33:02 -0800
From: fabe_p@shaw.ca
Subject: Re: A Cowboy Walks into a Drug Store...
To: newfiebev@hotmail.com

Am I worth that much?


----- Original Message -----
From: Beverly McGrath
To: fabe
Sent: Thursday, January 24, 2008 2:37 PM
Subject: RE: A Cowboy Walks into a Drug Store...

Or am I just that desperate?? Okay, okay... I'll buy you a store, too!


Date: Sun, 24 Feb 2008 14:44:07 -0800
From: fabe_p@shaw.ca
Subject: Re: A Cowboy Walks into a Drug Store...
To: newfiebev@hotmail.com

Would you be into a 2 for one deal....or should we stop now.....lol


From: newfiebev@hotmail.com
To: fabe_p@shaw.ca
Subject: RE: A Cowboy Walks into a Drug Store...
Date: Thu, 24 Jan 2008 15:02:22 -0800

Ya, time to stop... you just lost me anyway!


TEXT MSG
From: Fabe
To: Bev

Just 2 let u know that last email was not a tease. Would b fun!


TEXT MSG
From: Bev
To: Fabe

Haha-the funny thing is that my last email wasn't a joke, either! One on one I would consider but the group thing is a huge turn on as a fantasy but not my scene as a reality. And, besides, you are practically a married man!


TEXT MSG
From: Fabe
To: Bev

I sug it bcause she wants 2 try it. A safe way 4 us all 2 try it.


TEXT MSG
From: Bev
To: Fabe

You, me and your girlfriend?? Not on your life, buster! Not in a million years! Not if it was the only time I could have sex for the rest of my life! Not for money, fame or eternal youth! So, I guess what I'm trying to say is... thanks, but no thanks!


TEXT MSG
From: Fabe
To: Bev

So what ur telling me is maybe! Kidding! The subtle no confused me. We can still do coffee right?


TEXT MSG
From: Bev
To: Fabe

Of course we can... anytime!



***Way to make me lose all hope of us ever being together, dude. Is he that fucked up??***

Nope, I hate him

I guess I always have to have someone to bitch about, don't I? Well, right now it's Joe... in record quantities! I think half the problem is that I've already decided to leave and I don't care anymore. I don't care what he says, I don't care what he does, I don't care if I come in late (not that I ever did!), I don't care if I fake sick, I don't care, I don't care, I want out! I remember going through this with Diane at the mall, too, though and I don't want it to end like that. I want to do a good job, I want to get caught up on all of this stuff that is piling up on my desk... how do I get him to stop fucking driving me nuts? Should I be like Jacquie and act like his adoring wife? Should I just go along with everything that he says and smile and be happy because it doesn't matter to me anymore? I just... whatever... I'm leaving, I should be kissing ass to get as much cash out of the guy that I can before I go. Kiss ass. Hmmm. Yeah. Don't know if I can do that. Even if it's to get what I want. Okay, I'll try. X3

Is Hate Too Strong A Word?

Omigod... Joe is driving up the fucking wall and back down again. He is now pretty much the only man in my life and I could break his fucking neck if I were that type of person. I'm not. Last week I was going to write this nice post about realizing that the reason he pisses me off so much is because he is usually asking about things that I don't have done. To a degree, that is true. I confess, I have not been the best employee for the last year or so (I'm bored out of my mind here!). But, mutherfuker, he is just irritating - about the work that I have done and the work that I don't. I told him this morning, too. I said "you are extremely difficult to work for". He changes the rules based on his moods. "Well, I was under the impression that it was already done this way." We put the salesmen's policies in writing and had each of them sign a copy and I am sofa king glad that I had that to back me up... you don't just change policy because you feel that you should be getting more money out of the company. Yes, so you put money in - that was your choice. You also get every damn personal expense that one could have paid by the company. You have no phone bill, no electricty, you receive rent for an office that we don't even use, you have your weekly house cleaning paid by the company, come the fuck on! Arrrrrggggggggggggggggggggggghh!

Just go...

You know, I'm just going to start writing here without reading previous posts first. If I repeat something, well so be it! And that's the thing... so what? I think that's the biggest thing that I have learned through all of this. When I was a kid all I heard (with my kid ears, obviously... I get it now but I didn't then), all I heard from Mom was that I was too fat and all I heard from Dad was that I was too slow, too clutzy, too in the way... basically, what I heard was that I was not good enough. And I believed it. It didn't make much of a difference first. I mean, I remember believing it but I think I questioned it back then. At some point, though, I stopped questioning it. It just was. I believed it and I found confirmation everywhere (because I constantly looked for confirmation). *the funny thing is that I just realized that I only believed the confirmation of the bad stuff, not the good stuff*

What I wish I knew back then was that I could say "so??". So what if I'm too fat? Does that make me less of a person? NO! I thought that it did. NO! So what if I'm slow, if I'm a clutz, if I do everything wrong? So what? They made me so paranoid about everything that I did so I never did anything right. How could I? When I wanted to quit piano and skating and swimming and skiing and everything else, why did no one tell me that it was okay to not be the best? It is okay to just do things because you love doing them. How many things did I cheat myself of? So many, so many. And, if I could have said "so?", then maybe I wouldn't have been fat, maybe I wouldn't have quit all of those things, maybe it was okay to try and fail. Because then you just try again. And again. And again if you need to. You get better. Maybe sometimes you don't get better and you suck and you end up playing Jingle Bells for the rest of your life. And you enjoy it because you loved playing it.

Omigod, I'm getting better. I can't believe that I figured it out! I can't tell you how hard I am crying right now. I FIGURED IT OUT!!!! Don't you understand what that means? I remember being about 9 and not playing Red Rover with my friends because I didn't think I was good enough. It started back then, before that. Everything that I did I had to do right or I did not do them. And I didn't do SO MANY THINGS! Oh, so many.

But I'm doing them now. I'm doing them and I am falling down all over the place and I am having so much fun! God, I cannot believe how happy I am to have figured all of this out. It will take time, a life-time, but I will do better. Or maybe I will just fall down... because that's okay.

Guess I got my answer...

Fucker is already on the dating site again. I just sent him this email:

3rd life... I love it... way to break up with a girl... you are quite a stand-up kinda guy... and I let this happen twice... sweet! When can I come get my stuff?

Nothin'

Still no word from Mr. McCulloch. I honestly don't know how I feel about it... I guess I am sitting on the fence. One good thing is that I am not obsessing or going crazy about it, forcing an end like I usually do... I'm just waiting to see how it plays out. I don't know what I want... how could I have been so totally in love with him a month ago and now feel nothing? Am I just forcing my feelings down or is this how I really feel (sober)? I have been somewhat weepy the past day or two - is that p.m.s. or am I not reading my feelings right? I don't know... it's all new... how am I supposed to tell if I like the stinkin' guy or not? I always keep these things so buried... how do you let them out enough to understand them but not so much that you become a basket case? Am I 12?

There are good things about being alone... I have a lot of studying to do - just signed up for two courses at Kwantlen, just got my new piano so I need to learn to play that, got tons of work to do (that I have absolutely no interest in!), I should be exercising, I should be spending more time with my friends to keep the lonliness at bay. Bad things about being alone... I miss Daisy (maybe I should get a dog??), do I miss Ian? I don't know. I really don't. Do I? To a degree I guess. I keep focusing on things that I don't like about him so I haven't spent much time considering the things that I do like. If I'm questioning it this much, doesn't that mean that I don't like him enough? Ah, if only it were that easy.

Oh, it smarts!

We went cross-country skiing on Saturday... soooo much fun. I think it probably ended my relationship with Ian but it will be sadly worth it! He's been getting on my nerves again, anyway. Last time I blamed all of our problems on me and my behavior and it think it was very beneficial to revisit the whole situation to see it from a different angle but, I was right... he is a child. Of course, there is a part of me questioning everything still... it's an ongoing battle, this getting my shit figured out stuff... am I looking for things wrong so that I can ease the hurt if he doesn't want to see me anymore? That's a very good question and I'm sure that it could be viewed that way, however, things have not exactly been amazing between us for a bit. Old habits creap back in, I guess. He changed. I might have changed but he changed, too. And I'm okay with that. If it's over, I will live with it; if it's not over, it probably will be soon and I will live with it.

I have changed soo much inside my head over the past couple of months it's amazing. The ever-lasting internal struggle is gone, I am finally free.