Letter to my seester

"Sister -

I am writing this the night before you leave BC & start out on your big adventure and I want to tell you something... DON'T GO!!! Just kidding! (sort of!)

I cannot tell you how much the past two years of having you so close has meant to me. Not only was it helpful to have your ear and shoulder during a trying time in my life, it was also nice to share a bit of your life again. You have become an amazing, beautiful, kind and generous woman. I am so proud of you and love you more than ever - although I never would have thought that could be possible. You are, without a doubt, my favourite person in the whole world and I am going to miss you tremendously.

It is true that the selfish part of my wants to make you stay but the rest of me is very excited for you as you enter the next stage of your life. You are just getting started, there is so much to see and learn. I know that your life will be fantastic (I will be your biggest fan!)

No matter where our lives take us, no matter how far apart we may be, we will always be together... inside, where it counts. Be safe, my sister, my friend.

Love,
Beverly"

The end

One more day. That's all I have left with my little sister. Of course, she's moving - not dying or something - I will see her again but it won't be the same. I know it's time for her to go but it's not time for me. I am very excited and happy for her but I am sad for me. Is that okay? Is that selfish? I want to tell her. I want to tell her all of the things that I have tried to tell her so many, many times but could never express out loud or on paper.

I would get so emotional, so upset, so unable to deal with that and I would stop. She said today that she didn't want to think about leaving, didn't want to deal with it but I said do; cry and laugh and experience it. These people were important in her life, this time was a very important stage of growth - mourn it, recognize it, acknowledge it and move on. Repressing this shit has no positive side effect! Obviously.

One of Debra's friends posted a bunch of pics online today of the going away party. Criminy, I am fat! (206 last recorded weight, probably put on a few since then - also, I want to note that in my '87 journal I said that I was 170 when I was 15.) Anyway, my first reaction to the pictures was how fat I looked; the second thing I noticed was I am smiling and obviously having a good time in every single one of them. So one really has little to do with the other when no boys are involved. Perhaps I will take a moritorium from relationships (thanks, Alanis!) and just get this shit done. I know I can maintain, I need to fat camp myself and just get it done... well under way, if nothing else.

I have to go to sleep now... I am hurting... too much booze, not enough food... also not helpful! Kisses!

Victoria, Victoria

Well, it's almost over... my little girl is leaving me soon. I am on the island until Debra and Andrew leave on Monday. I am 75% devastated - I don't know what that is supposed to mean but I sure am going to miss them.

This post, though, is not about them... it's about me!! I decided that I don't like being fat anymore. Yep. Just decided. Cuz I was totally fine with it before!! No, I'm just sick of it - I'm sick of this big gut in front of me all the time, I'm sick of the lack of clothing choices, I'm sick of being out of breath, I'm sick of the way people look at me (or, I guess, don't look at me would be more appropriate). No more living in extremes, though. It's not all or nothing, it's not be fat or be thin, it's something in the middle. Once again, as with so many of the changes in my life, I have to try the exact opposite of what I've been doing... have the treats when I am out with friends but make good decisions when I am on my own. Make healthy choices. I am back at the point where I have no interest in the crap but I am almost fighting it, almost making myself clear my plate again. It's okay, me... two steps forward, one step back.

I was so saddened by that old journal that I read, though. Way back, years ago, Mom sent a project that I did in grade 5... a kind of 'all about me' thing and all I talked about was losing weight. I don't want to think about it anymore, I don't want to be a slave to my size, I don't want to think that everything in the world will be better if only I could lose some weight. I really, really did think that when I was younger. When I was a dreamer. I hate being fat but I don't think that it makes me less than a person anymore. I am perfectly at peace with being fat if that is really what I want. If I want to eat that much that I will remain large for my whole life then I will live with that. What I have to realize, though, is the consequences.

There are consequences in everything: good and bad. The consequence of being fat is that I cannot lead the lifestyle that I want to lead. I want to climb things, I want to run, I want to hike, I want to swim, I want to exercise. The consequence of eating crap is that I cannot wear the clothes that I want to wear, I cannot look the way I want to look. The consequence of obesity is that I cannot attract the man that I want. And I will not settle. Cellulite and jiggling belly fat is not what I am looking for. And the only way that I can get what I am looking for is to work at it - hard. How much do I want it?

Horoscope

Scorpio
October 23 - November 21

Certain matters may seem a little cloudy from your vantage point today, dear Scorpio, but this is no reason to be blue. It could be that adjustments must be made before you are able to relate to others on a smooth basis. Take this opportunity to tune out for a while and to get a change of perspective. It could be a lot of fun to just stay close to home and fall asleep on the couch while watching a good movie.


*** I think I figured something out a bit... but I don't feel like writing now so it will have to keep for another time.

In their defense

After I wrote the last post, I started reading the letters that were in the box where I found my diary. Here are two letters that were written to me from my parents as a part of a COR retreat that I did in high school (grade 12, I think... so, 1989ish).


From Mom:

Dear Beverly,

I hope you are enjoying your weekend. Imagine a whole weekend away from Cinderella duties.

First of all Bev I want to tell you that I am sorry if I seemed harsh in discussing Safe Grad the other night. I guess I get overly irritated when things don't go exactly the way I would like it.

Since this letter is not meant to deal with my personality, but to tell you how how much I love you and how proud I am of you and everything you do. you are a beautiful young woman and it may seem that sometimes you get lost in the crowd. you also feel taken for granted most of the time. Believe me, I appreciate going home and not having to face an untidy house.

You know it's too bad that life moves by all of us so fast. There never seems to be enough time for parents to sit back and enjoy their families the way they should. It seems we only make the time when we feel there is a problem to deal with. We never take the time to just sit back and enjoy each other. Maybe that's not totally right. I do like to feel that you and I have had some good chats together. I hope when you leave us next year and if you decide to live on your own, you will spend as much time with us as you can. Once you go to university and are so far away, we won't see you very often.

You know Bev you find it hard to believe that I consider you my baby. I have kind of put Debra aside in my mind. She is so young and we will have a long time to enjoy time with her, please God. But you never did get to have our undivided attention, did you? That does not mean that we are not aware of you.

Your father is also writing you a letter. We have not shared what is written and we won't but I do have to tell you that after the drama festival the other night he said how proud he was and how beautiful you are.

You have an inner beauty that also shines through in your expression. You have an easygoing way about you but I know there is a lot of depth to you also. You are a deep thinker and sometimes have been terribly depressed. At times I feared for you, but thank God, your strength overcame whatever was getting you down.

I hate the thought of you growing up. It seems I hardly realized you were 17 years and there you are finishing school. It always seems that you shouldn't be that old already. You went from 14 to 17 so fast, going out on dates with older guys. It's hard to let you grow up, to let go.

I don't know if this weekend will make a lot of difference to you. I guess I always like to think that we are a close family, that family life is important to you and to the rest of us. You are everything we want you to be at this stage of your life.

You are a caring, loving person. You are not always out on the go. You spend time at home with us. You are willing and as we discussed once before, you could have grown up with a chip on your shoulder because of Debra but you haven't. She thinks you are wonderful.

Bev I could probably keep going on here forever, but you have other things to get on to. I hope when this weekend is over you will remember some of what I have said, especially when you want to do something and I'm against it. You will have to remind me you are growing up and of course I'll probably still give you a hard time.

Remember always that I love you and am proud of you. You are a special person. We love you for the wonderful person you are.

Enjoy the rest of your weekend. We will see you on Sunday. Remember although I don't say it often in our daily encounters, I love you very much and will always be here for you.

Love Mom


From Dad:

Hi Bev,

I am writing this letter to tell you something that I don't say very often to you. I love you.

Loving you is so easy, because you are just like me. Ha! A few things that are different between us is that you show your feelings better than me.

The time you had your fall from the bike and you wrote the story about it, I was so hurt. Hurt because it was true what you said. If you had to look close at me you would have seen that I was fighting back tears that I didn't want you to see. I know it is stupid to you but that's the way I am.

Telling you now that I'm sorry don't replace the hurt you had then. That kind of hurt don't heal with time. Oh! If I had my time back, I would show you the love I have for you. I'd show you feelings that you can't put on paper.

Dad

It's all me

I was feeling much better after that last post. I got up yesterday and went for a walk. I even ran into Ian, Lynda and Daisy (ha, that's the first time I spelled her name correctly... I must be over it!) and chatted and scratched butt for a couple of minutes. I tried to bring Lynda into the conversation as well - she should know that I'm over it, no hard feelings, I won't be eating her children anytime soon. And, you know what? Little side bar here but I really never noticed... she's a bit chubby herself.

So, I'm kinda back on my ass again. Not... well... I... hmmm. I pulled out my first journal, from 1987/88 when I was 15/16. Sad. Muther. Sad stuff. And, for probably the first time, I was pissed off. I remember that girl. I remember those feelings of never being able to do anything right. I would try and I would try and nothing was good enough. Nothing has been good enough since because nothing was ever good enough. Although, perhaps that was by my standards, not everyone else's. God, I cry for that girl... for the pain that she was in.

And I got pissed off because why did no one see that pain? Why did they not reach out to me when I so obviously needed them? Mom was too busy keeping up with work and volunteering and she had clubs and committees; Dad was busy making sure no one saw a sensitive feeling slip out when he wasn't paying attention. All of this pain for all of these years could have been eased so much if someone just came into my room and put their arms around me.

No wonder I could never let anyone hold me. That was really apparent in the early days with Ian; it drove me crazy when he would stand there and hug me but I loved it so much after I learned to accept it. I always knew that was a side effect from Mom and the countless times that I came to her and she pushed me away... I would never even approach my dad in that way... there's no way he would accept such a open show of affection. They fucked me up: chemically, emotionally, physically. I know I was there and I know that I had a choice in everything that I said and did in my whole life... I was also a child who was lost and alone and thought that I was garbage. They saw it, they watched it, they both admit that... Mom used to read my diary for fucks sake. Dad told her that I was suicidal. Mom told me in recent years that she didn't like me back then... she didn't like me. She didn't like me. Fuch.

We all know that I don't blame them. I mean, yeah, they made mistakes but, for one thing, they had no control over the messed up combination of them that they created. And they just didn't see me - but I do blame them for not taking the time to look for me. They also had no control over their upbringing and body chemistry. But they were adults, I was a child... they were supposed to be there, they were supposed to love me, they were supposed to teach me to love myself, they were supposed to intervene when I so obviously did not love myself. So, yeah, maybe I do blame them. They were old enough to know better and they did a shit job in raising me emotionally. "What did I do wrong" she used to say a couple of years ago... until I started answering her. Yes, I do blame them, I blame her. She should have paid more attention to her child that was falling apart and less attention to all those fucking strangers that she felt it was so important that she sit on their committees and be such a big fucking hero in the community.

My Julian Gray shrink guy used to say that it was unnatural to blame myself for everything. Oh, the guilt, the self loathing, the constant berating. I didn't really get what he was saying because I knew that I was the problem so who else was I to blame? He said it wasn't natural to take so much on my shoulders but, at the time, I thought he meant work stuff and family stuff... I didn't realize that he meant that I couldn't be in absolute control of everything in my whole life. Maybe taking a bit of the blame off my shoulders will help me put some of this stuff to rest.

And I made a decision today. I am going to be to others who my mother should have been to me. I will have children (!!!!!!!!!) and I will teach them how to love, themselves and others. And I am going to treat my mother with massive amounts of love and respect, I will be everything that she wasn't to me. I will teach her, too.

Another thing just hit me - I finally figured out why, when I was 18, I decided I would never have children - because I learned that having children was such a terrible, thankless burden. Mom told me practically every day.

I know I will feel differently in about 5 minutes but I will say this right now for the first time in my recollection - I hate them. I hate them for what they did. I hate them for not seeing me. I hate them for fucking me up so fucking goddamn much. They fucked up my whole fucking life and I'm so far behind I don't know if I can ever catch up. FUCK. fuck.

Last comment - I had no idea how fucked up I was. I truly honestly had no idea.

Almost

It's as if I am stuck. Stuck in the steps back. I have gained 4 pounds. I eat and I cry. I watch movies and I check my email to see if someone has approved of me yet. I could walk to the store. I could clean my pad. I could scrub my ceramic tiles. I could go walk some dogs. I could make some money. I could figure out my life. I could fix myself some lunch. But I will sit here and eat fudge.

It's familiar. Yes, I have hated being here my whole life but you must also realize that this is where I have been my whole life. This is what I know. This is where I am comfortable... all cozy in my own little private torture chamber. But I think it's almost time...

It's time to just be. Stop looking for answers, stop looking for more questions and just be. I can be this. If I want to. I can be here eating and smoking pot and crying to my laptop. If I want to. I can be anything that I want. Anyone. Anyhow. I choose. Anything. I am the one making these decisions; the big and the small.

Who I want to be doesn't have to be perfect. Who I want to be has strengths and weaknesses. Who I want to be knows that it's okay to be alone sometimes but it doesn't have to be all the time. Who I want to be is active. Who I want to be is fun. Who I want to be has a life. Who I want to be goes out and does things. Who I want to be doesn't just sit here and cry about it.

Who I want to be is beautiful. Who I want to be messes up sometimes but it's no big deal. Who I want to be realizes that it's okay if it is a big deal sometimes. Who I want to be is healthy and loves herself and her family. Who I want to be I will be some day. I just have to be.

Food

Perhaps it's because I am alone 97.5% of the time, I have nothing to occupy myself and all I want to do is eat crappy food or get stoned.

The world

Why is it that some days I feel like I am on top of the world and some days I feel like I can't get out from under it?

Flash

I was just reading some old posts and it was as if I was reading someone else's words. It was like reading the boring melodramatic story of a highly confident, albeit slightly messed up, woman in her mid 30s. And, I have to tell you, through a lot of it I was rolling my eyes and wondering how this woman got to be so goddamned sure about herself. I mean listen to her go on and on, pat, pat, pat on the back. Was that me?

But why the fuck not be her? So goddamned sure about herself. I reminded myself today that I now kind of get a kick out of reading about the life changing struggles that I poured my heart out about just a few years ago... I was tormented and uncomfortable and anguished... they were so frustrating and ... and now they are a distant memory (and oddly seem so much simpler in hindsight) and I am so much better off for going through all of that. So I guess tormented and uncomfortable and anguished are just part of my personality. And people put up with it, for the most part. There's obviously some good going on here, girlfriend. Let's have a little looksy at that for a change.

Of course, I'll get through this, too - I'm just soaking up the drama! Okay, well, along with pouring my heart out about the life changing struggles that are in progress. This is where I think and sort and discover and question and I don't have to feel like I am ruining someone's night and they are probably pissed that they picked up the phone but enough about me how about you mutherfuker (bitter much?). This is why we are here, these are the lessons we are seeking and there will be plenty more, I'm sure.

First comes the thought
and from the thought comes the word;
from the word springs the deed
and the deed slowly becomes habit;
until habit hardens into character
and you become your thoughts.
- Georgia Nicols (Horoscope chick)


We are working on the habit part right now, Beverly. We will get to the character part eventually and when we do it's gonna be fine! Right now we are learning and we are testing and we are struggling but we are doing this for a reason and we will be better for it in the long run. Now, go light up another doobie, strap on the ole iPod and shake your booty!!!

Not happy

Damn, I can't get out of this funk. I am starting to feel like I did after my accident in 2003 when I spent a lot of time here, the shut in. Of course, back in those days I also had a head injury and a lot of pain so I am not quite on the floor with a bottle of pills... but I am concerned.

The real piss off is that I know what to do to get myself out of this but I just don't feel like it. I think I will take myself to a movie in a bit... hopefully that will break the seal. I don't want to eat (until late in the evening when I get stoned and munchy); what I really want to do is get back to that fun girl from a few weeks ago. Where did she go? What happened? I was all about the charm, socializing here and there, dancing to and fro and then it just crashed down around me. What's different? The boy? Or is that coincidence? Doesn't really seem like it... seems more like old news to me. And I guess I could beat this but I don't seem to want to... I want it to swallow me, I want it to finish me. How could I go so far backward so fast? I think I'm better off by myself. Fuck, this even happens when the guy only wants to see me once a week. I need brain surgery.


*** And the light that went on said 'exercise'. It's the only difference between then and now that I can see. Yes, yes, cycle, blah, blah, blah. I am backtracking and I need to get back on course. Exercise. Hmm. Little. Yellow. Different.

Switch

So, I have kind of been back on the personals. I know... drama, drama, drama! He's either too good or he's not good enough. No, that's not really it. I don't want to date anyone... I'm just bored! It's been raining for days and, after my rough week last week and nothing but grey clouds and rain ever since, I'm starting to feel like a shut in. I need to go out! I need to move! I need to get shit done! I need to stop mutherfukin eating and getting stoned!

But what the fuck is this Friday stuff? Our first date was Friday, then I was on the island for the weekend, I went to his place on Monday (he took Tuesday off), he came to my place on Wednesday but didn't stay over, he came to my place on Friday and I didn't see him again until the Friday just passed. Yes, he calls most nights but still. Can't we go out some week nights? Can't I pop over to bring him some pie and a blow job? Can't we just cuddle and watch tv for a while and then I would go home? I have to talk to him about this but it's too soon... I want to see what he does first. I guess, in some ways, I hope that the personals make him pay attention. I don't particularly want to go out with anyone else right now but who knows what could happen... there's lots of nice guys on there. If he wants to be exclusive I would like to see him more than one night a week. Of course, at the same time, I can still count all of our dates on one hand so I don't think it's time to start the constant shrill nagging that I like to subject all of my suitors to.

Oh, and I have to tell you this funny story that Ian told me today - and totally trampled on my feelings! He said he had some stuff for me and he could drop it off, I said can I come to his place tomorrow and get it so I can have a quick visit with Daisy, he said come late afternoon because otherwise Linda with be there and you said you didn't want to see her, I said that's old news (although I still don't want to see her) and he made some crack and I asked if Linda was afraid of me or something. He tells me about how he and Linda were joking around one night and he told her to stop or I would come over and beat her up and eat her children. Ouch man. Fuckin' ouch. I won't say anything to him because what does it matter at this point but ouch.

I seriously have to get out of here. I am eating so much it is driving me crazy. Old behaviors, right? I can't do that again. I need to get outside and run or walk or go to the gym or something. I have to move or I will return to that girl that Ian so enjoyed mocking. Ouch.

Full of it

Things worked out with Lyle. Where did I leave off? Oh, he was supposed to call Thursday after that whole email debacle... but he didn't. He did, however, call on Friday. It was 2pm and he had left work to go back to the doctor (I kinda had thought that he was a big baby boo hooing about his sore muscles last week but apparently he had fractured a rib!!! Life is way more interesting if you just let it happen!), he called and was totally normal and said is it okay if I come there at about 3pm? I said sure and he came with his bag of newspaper clippings and menus and pj's and his toothbrush. It was awesome! He came ready for a sleepover... there was no question and no weird discomfort about how the evening would end... I frickin' love this guy!!!

So, he comes over and I was a wee bit uncomfortable, I guess, but not for long. He sits down next to me, pulls me into his arms and says "Now. Lets talk about how much you like me!" I said nope. I said "you don't remember what you said to me so I decided that I don't remember what I said to you." (Oh, and "I don't want to talk to you when you are drunk again.") Bugger. Jesus, I swear to god this man has been watching me for 10 fucking years and knows exactly what to do or say... like every time! He was pissy on Saturday morning because he didn't sleep very well (I do some sort of weird moan/snore apparently!) and I was glad. I was glad when I saw him a little cranky. We were laughing about it two minutes later but it made this seem more real somehow. Because it can't be all good. It just can't. I don't believe in it. But if the things that aren't all good are as silly as the fact that I snore, bring it fucking on, buster.

Anyway, past and present: we had another wonderful Friday afternoon and I enjoyed being with him all day. We went to Costco and to Home Depot and the liquor store and Walmart and got every single thing on my list. I never get every single thing on my list. And it was fun! We went to the liquor store and neither of us knew what kind of wine to get so he calls over someone who works there and starts asking what wine would be good with the chicken alfredo we had just bought. We were joking around and being silly when we were walking back to the car ("do you think I like doing that to you? It hurts me more than it hurts you. Wham!" that shit was funny, dude!) And somehow, although I am 99% sure it was his fault, the bag slipped out of my hand and smashed to the ground. Clutz. Fuck. He was so cool. I was laughing and he picked it up and we laughed our way back to the store. I bought another bottle but he goes over to the clerk and holds the bag up and says "We dropped this. Can we get another one?" And the guys says "sure". (Who would ever think of doing that? I love him for fuck sake!!!)

Later we came back here and had supper and I spilled my water all over the place. Clutz. Fuck!! He was cool... he grabbed the ottoman tray and brought it over to the sink and cleaned it out. Then he got the remotes and dried them off. He offered to take my recycling. And then he actually took it! That never happens. Ever. And he told me he loved me, in jest of course. We were joking around about something, found something else in common, and he goes "I love you". Of course my response is "how could you not?" (I love this version of me. I love her. I want to marry her. Forever.) But I laughed it off. We had sex as soon as he came over, pretty much. He's even okay with going with the flo. I like that... he's not afraid of a little blood - as grotesque as that may seem to some men out there - and that says he'll be there. He is kind and considerate and funny (he wore his Toronto Maple Leafs pajama pants and a t-shirt that says something like "this is to distract you while I look at your boobs" or something and my purple croc knockoffs that Ian bought me and he went down to the sandwich shop for a coffee. I laughed my ass off all morning with him and then I oddly started to wonder how many of these traits would drive me up the wall someday. I liked even Karl in the beginning. Go away Negativia!! (that's what I'll call the bitch in my head!)

So, as always, to make a short story long, I called him yesterday evening after I got back from lunch and movie and shopping with the girls and he was not home and so I left him a nice girl message and later in the evening I sent an email to break the "email cherry" (oh, how whitty!) and said that Stacey and I were to be out looking for cock today (we found a card at Potters that said "Jen and Jan usually spent their Sundays looking for cock" and it's the nice old 50's picture of two women out sailing around with binoculars... looking for cock, I suppose... he thought it was the funniest thing and made me buy it). And he has not called nor emailed. And he didn't check his Plenty of Fish inbox since Friday morning... that's a bit of a test - during the last conversation that he "doesn't remember" he said that we should both take off our profile and only see each other but I ain't doing nothing at this point.

Fuck. Anyways, I am wasted and I am tired even though I got up at 10am and then napped from 1-3pm. Perhaps all this pot is not the best every single day for hours and hours. It's no fun again. And I had better not be putting weight back on because there is a man in my life again. Old habits, Beverly. Old habits. Don't push too hard. I like being nice to him. I don't care what happens, it's way better to just be nice to people. This is what I always wanted. This is my peace. What the fuck, dude.



*** Oh, I forgot to mention: when we were in the middle of the conversation that ensued after "let's talk about how much you like me" he said that I was putting a wall up. How funny is that?

No call...

... big shock.

I'm back

Okay, the calm, logical side of me is back. I lost it. I really did. I slept all day and when I wasn't sleeping, I was crying. It was horrible, horrible. I can't believe how many days I went through that before. I never talked about it - not when I was going through it. A few years ago I became okay with telling my family and Stacey and maybe Julie (did I tell Julie? I have no idea. I must have. It was 2004.) Anyway, that's the first time anyone got to witness it first hand. Except Ian, I guess. This is where I run. Right now. I have no idea what is going on with Lyle but I am going to try my very very hardest to not run. I will go through this, I have to.

Like Debra said, he's probably a drunk or total ass... I'll find some other reason to break up with him. (I love my sister!) But, seriously, this shit needs to slow way down, but quick. I dread talking to him again. I dread seeing him on Friday. I honestly don't know if I can get over this. I guess I could if he handles it properly. But what's that? Best possible scenario? He says I really like you, too, but I need to go slow. And I will tell him that I never want him to call me when he is drunk again. Three blackouts in two weeks? Suspicious. Very.

Basket Case

You know, throughout all of this soul searching and finding myself crap, I don't think that I ever really realized how much of a basket case I am. I'm a mess. All of that "remember when" and "isn't it funny how I used to..." and "back in the old days". What a pile of stinky stuff. Those days aren't gone. I am in purgatory because I can't handle the new shit but I can't go back to the old shit either (even food is no longer a comfort). Today, I am visiting my own little slice of hell.

I don't think there is anything wrong with being alone. I have been perfectly happy during the past while. I have done a lot of work on myself and I have worked hard at relearning old lessons gone bad. But I think those lessons might have been etched deeper than I realized. I don't think I can get away from them. I think I believe them too strongly and I am not ready to let them go.

I am so pissed off with myself for writing that fucking email. I was writing to make him feel better because he was acting so insecure and I wanted to reassure him and it fucking bit me on the ass - hard. I don't need this. I don't. I'm half ready to scrape that fucking butterfly tattoo off my fucking wrist because it's a big joke. How silly am I? How stupid to think that I could get over this stuff. It's in there too deep. I want to be by myself. I have learned to accept friends into my life, I have learned to accept love from them and give love to them. Isn't that enough?

I don't want this. I don't want to feel like this anymore. It's been a long time since I felt the need to stay under the covers in my darkened bedroom but that's all I seem to be able to handle today. I am supposed to go out with Stacey tonight but I am pretty sure that's not going to happen. I was hatching a plan to go to Debra's for the weekend - she and Andrew are going to Renfrew for the weekend to bring the cats. I don't know how to get past this without hiding. I don't think I can. It's too much too soon. It needs to stop right now so I can get back on track. And perhaps be alone for the rest of my life. That's not so bad, is it? People do it. I have a lot of friends. I can stock up on batteries and just be with me.

You might think that I'm joking around right now.

I'm not.

Horoscope

Scorpio
October 23 - November 21
Don't worry about not being on the right path, dear Scorpio, because you are. You seem to be always in the right place at the right time and there is no need to feel regret or shame about things that have happened in the past. Turn negative experiences into lessons for a better future. Even though you may not be able to change a certain situation, you can at least change your reaction to the situation.





But I'm still an idiot. And I'm not going to run away, I am... really pissed off that I am doubting myself right now.

WHY?????????

MOTHERFUCKER doesn't even remember talking to me last night. He doesn't remember asking me to move to Newfoundland with him. He doesn't remember going on and on about how much he liked me. He doesn't remember telling me about how his mom wants him to sell the house (maybe he's broke). He doesn't remember being upset with me for putting my profile back on the website. Fuck. I can't do this. This is usually the part where I end it but instead he's getting love notes? I have to end it. And yes, I do see the irony in that godamnit!!! I can't go through this shit every day! It will kill me! I can't I don't want to. Make it stop. I want to be fat and single. I'm an idiot. This needs to stop right now! But I know, of course, that it won't stop, it's part of me now but I am moving on to the next guy and slow the fuck down motherfucker. But why did it have to happen with him? I liked him.

I don't anymore.

Anyway, this was his reply... like I give two shits about what he has to say.

"ummm, i don't know what to say at this time i am at a lost for words, this caught me totally off gaurd, but in a really good way right now i don't know what to say, but definetly we can talk about this on friday face to face okay!!! your making me blush,and overwhellmed with happiness, i like you too,but i still feel bad about how i acted last night, and talked to you, trust me i don't get like that often, and i am sorry i didn't get back to you when i should have...forgive me????If you read this tonight , have a great night and i will talk to you tommorrow, sleep tight :
from feeling overwhellmed!!!!!!!"

Boys are stupid, throw rocks at them!

This is the email that I just sent to Lyle. We were talking earlier and he was all drunk and acting a little demanding and a little insecure and I like him. I like him and I want to see where we can take this. This is what I wrote:

"Hi Lyle:

I am writing to you here because I don't have your email address but I want to say something to you. I don't know what is going on with you or what you are feeling after that phone call tonight but, before you say anything, I want you to know a few things.

I really like you Lyle. I don't know how much that is being communicated to you - I have received feedback that I act aloof and uncaring in the beginning of a relationship - but I do like you. I worry that I will scare you off if I go too fast and then I stress that I pull back too far. I hate this part of getting to know each other. I am a very confident person but dating makes me feel 15 years old again.

I have to be honest - and maybe this is too forward and maybe this is too fast and my mother would bust a hernia if she knew I was saying this to you but what the heck - if I were to compare you to a list of the traits that I am looking for in someone, you hit them all... and some of them I just threw on the list for fun! It's actually unnerving how comfortable I feel with you already, I trust you and I feel accepted and protected. I want to be with you all of the time because I want to know you. I don't know how often you click with someone right away but this is a rare event for me. At any other time in my life, if anyone possessed as many of the qualities that I am looking for as you have, I would have ran for the hills siting the old saying "if it seems too good to be true, it probably is".

But right now, where I am in my life and where I hope to be going, I accept all of the fear and frustration and doubt that comes with dating, because I'm finally ready for some "too good to be true" in my life. How about you? Do you think you might want to have a little faith in each other and see where we can take this? Let's just get to know each other and see what happens, okay?

I miss you - I haven't seen you since Saturday! Are you going to try to avoid me again tomorrow?

xxx"

I also believe...

So, you know what's really funny? And this is hilarious but has nothing to do with this post... I can never remember Lyle's name. Just for a split second, not all the time but often, the wrong name pops into my head... Niall, Fabian, Ian, Karl... all of them... weird... I think it's because he is a little bit of all of them. But maybe that does have something to do with my post... I guess we'll see. (**Dad just called and asked how Kyle was!**)

I haven't heard from Lyle today. We spent an extremely wonderful day together on Friday, he stayed over and left yesterday morning. We haven't spoken since and, you know what? I am absolutely totally cool with that. He is busy, I'm sure, but I think he needed to step back a bit. And when he does call, I am going to tell him that I want him to spend exactly how much time with me as he wants to. No more, no less.

I don't know if he's the one for me. I don't know if he is someone who can support me to lead this life that I feel I need to lead. (Why do I sound so greater-than-thou?? I don't mean to.) I mean, things are looking good with Lyle (like super good!!!) and I am extremely hopeful but I don't know yet... we are just getting started. So, if I don't know if he's the one for me then I'm sure he doesn't know if I'm the one for him. Things seem a little bit too good to be true, to be honest. But it's not "I don't know" in a bad way, in a doubting way, only in that I have to see what happens.

I'm on the fence and I will see how things play out and trust that whatever happens is how things should play out (I frikin' love this fence, dude!) And so, for the rest of his life (unless I say otherwise because I'm allowed to change my mind, too), I want him to spend exactly as much time with me as he wants to. Perhaps a day, perhaps 60 years. And this also holds for everyone that I know. I believe, I am confident in my path even though I don't know what it is yet.