My Horoscope - April 27, 2007

Scorpio
October 23 - November 21
You always suspected that your job was making you crazy, but it never occurred to you that it could make you sick as well. Is it really worth it, dear Scorpio? This is the question you may be asking yourself today. You are fortunate to have talents that apply to several professions. Why not take a closer look at what those other professions are? One way or another, it is clear that change is coming. You may as well direct the manner in which it occurs.

Is it possible to love two people at the same time?

Is it possible to love two people at the same time? I heard this question the other day. I rolled my eyes and said ah – YES! It was his birthday the other day and I sent him an online card. Two hours later I got an email from him “It really means a lot to me to hear from you blah blah blah”.

What is it with men, anyway? I don’t think I will ever get it. Rog says you are truly one of my favorite people on the planet. Then why did you get married to someone else while you were fucking me? Fucking me – ha… in more ways than one, I guess. They are all the same… so full of shit. I’m always the one – so special, the one that got away, more like the one that sat there oh so available that they had no problem looking past.

I guess it’s funny that I am finally getting this attitude. After all my years of “it’s okay if you can’t love me” crap. No, it’s not okay. I mean it’s okay for you, go ahead and do what you gotta do but I’m not the girl that will be here for you to wipe your feet on when you need it. Or wipe your dick on, I probably should say. But that’s mostly my fault. I was so fucked up, so fucked up with all of them. Is it a coincidence that I found such a great guy just after I get my shit together? I think not.

Mental

Okay... I'm back in the land of the living. Slight mental breakdown for the past couple of days. I could see it coming, though, couldn't I? Maybe I'm getting better at this. Unfortunately, not so much better that I can stop the little fuckers. Ian doesn't agree - because it would ruin his favorite pastime - but I think the pot is a bad thing with these meds. I haven't done it since Sunday but it was coming long before that. I feel better today than I have in so so long. I have to say, though... having Ian there made so much difference. I was bawling my face off and trying to work myself up to calling Joe to let him know that I wouldn't be in and I couldn't... I just couldn't... I couldn't speak... I was wrecked... so I went in and woke Ian and he was so sweet, so considerate, so gentle, so caring, so understanding. I have never been able to let anyone see me in that state. I am sofa-king lucky... it knocks me off my feet.

The Future

Ian's divorce was finalized on Saturday. He says that, as far as he's concerned, he's been divorced since January 7th, 1997. But it is a big deal for me. So we had "the talk" about the future. It was more like me saying that I don't want to talk about it... and him making a smart ass remark like "does this mean I have to marry you now?" All I could get out - I HATE talking about this kind of stuff, I know we have a future, why do I have to be such a girl sometimes? - I said "we've just never talked about our future." He said that we will be together when our pubes turn grey and fall out. Isn't that romantic???

Control Freak!

It's official! The quiz wouldn't lie, baby!

You Are 80% Control Freak

You are a pretty major control freak, though you may not know it. While your confidence is inspiring, your bossy ways tend to scare people off.

Are You A Control Freak?

Understanding Depression -- What Are the Symptoms?

And it’s not like I want to blame everything on this condition… well, I guess I do want to blame the parts of my personality that I don’t like on it. But it’s more than that.

Understanding Depression -- What Are the Symptoms?

For major depression, you may experience five or more of the following for at least a two-week period:
· Persistent sadness, pessimism.
· Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, helplessness or hopelessness.
· Loss of interest or pleasure in usual activities, including sex.
· Difficulty concentrating and complaints of poor memory.
· Insomnia or oversleeping.
· Weight gain or loss.
· Fatigue, lack of energy.
· Anxiety, agitation, irritability.
· Thoughts of suicide or death.
· Slow speech; slow movements.
· Headache, stomachache and digestive problems.

Of the 11 symptoms here (from the WebMD site), I currently have at least five. Prior to medication, I had all of them at one time or another. I remember when I first started taking the drugs; my life was pure hell due to the extreme ups and downs and the learning curve. I went back to the doctor to increase my meds. When I was still having problems and my doctor wanted me to start even more medication, I decided to try exercising and eating right as a supplement instead of more pills. And it worked. I was there. Was that temporary? Is the way I am feeling right now more consistent with who I am? I don’t think so.

I think, and I know I’ve said this before, I have to take better care of the stuff that I can control. I need to exercise and eat better. It’s the only way. The drugs are keeping me off the closet floor but that’s not enough. I expect more from myself, from my life. I don’t want to struggle like this for the rest of my life. I don’t want to let my work pile up around me while I try to find a way to cope with the simplest basic things. For a long time now I have been recognizing the depression only when I am uncontrollably crying but that’s not the only problem. I realize that this is something that is with me to a certain degree no matter what I do but I’m the only one who can control it. And I am a control freak so control it I will!

Outburst

Here is an email that I just sent to Ian to explain my little freak-out... I feel better now.

"Sorry I got bitchy... I was getting a little worried because you weren't answering anything. The BIGGEST fear in my life is that something might happen to you. I know I'm silly and I know that if it does I will just have to live with it but it's on my mind a lot. My little "balance of life" theory tells me that all of these wonderful things in my life can't last forever so I'm kind of waiting for everything to fall apart again. So sometimes I might sound like a bitch but it's usually out of love and concern... and sometimes I'm just being a bitch. Your job as the man is to try and figure out which is which. Good luck to you, my friend!! There... I said it out loud... well in writing... I'm a big baby... laugh away at the silly girl. And now I'm crying at work... I'm a freak... a silly freak!! Stop laughing!!!!! xxx"

Argh!!

Motherfucker! All of a sudden I feel like ripping someone's head off... for absolutely no reason at all. It's like I just snapped! Maybe I am manic... maybe I should re-evaluate the whole depression thing. But most likely not... I get cranky but I'm more of a hiding in the closet kind of person than freaking out and screaming my head off. And yet... I didn't believe the whole depression thing at first either. Maybe it's time to look deeper.

The hardest part about all of this is figuring out what's me and what's the depression. Maybe it's time for me to accept that I am both at the same time. But if I get pissed off quickly like this for no reason... am I just having a bad day? And when is it a bad day and not the other? I am skittish and unfocused and I don't want to work and I don't want to eat and I don't want to talk to anyone. Am I really just a bitch? Deep deep down? I feel that I am more and more. I hear myself talking to Ian sometimes and I feel like slapping myself! This is so frustrating.

What else is new baby?

Chubby Chuberston

I can not believe that I didn't link my recent weight re-gain to defecting from my gym. That doesn't make sense. Okay, I linked it to not going to the gym but only indirectly. A + B = C

In the prime of my health, 2005, I used to go to the gym every weekday at 5am. Then home, shower, work. Then work got busy and I started going to the office at 5am instead. Fast forward two years later... I have gained about 20 lbs. I was talking to Stacey earlier today and I was saying that I couldn't pin-point how/when/why I gained all of this weight back... maybe when I started seeing Ian but, no, that was last June and I was already well on my way then. Maybe when Fabian and I decided to finally end it but, no, I'm pretty sure I was off track then, too. So maybe it all started when I quit smoking in the summer of 2005 but, no, that was when I was in my prime. Holy shit! I stopped going to the gym in the morning and all that weight snuck up on me again. And then I just started inviting it in.

So, what does that revelation mean? I was thinking that I would start going to the gym again but I did pay for a membership for a full year without actually showing up. And we have all of this equipment at home. Why don't I start going for walks/jogs/do something here and then, when I get in the habit, we'll see. I have to do something. I'm sick of being so lazy. I'm sick of being so fat. I'm sick of being embarrased. I'm sick of it all. It's time. The sun is shining... the birds are chirping... it's time for me to get back in the game!

Love/Hate List

You know, there's a lot of things that I like about my life right now. Unfortunately, some of the things that I love about my life right now are also the things that I hate about my life right now. [okay, hate is a pretty strong word... let's take it all in context, shall we?]

The Love/Hate List

• sparkin' up a doobie at 10:00 on a Sunday morning
• eating whatever I want, whenever I want
• taking my dog for walks
• memories of he
• navy blue walls... with pink blinds???
• the similarities between me and Ian
• the differences between me and Ian

To My Wonderful Nephew, Brandon

March 11, 2007

To my wonderful nephew, Brandon!

Here is a poem that I wrote when I was 16…

I feel the loneliness
Building inside me
Turning
Crashing down
I can’t find a way out

I feel I should
construct a wall
to hide me
from the world
and take away this pain

I feel like crying
But the tears
won’t spill out
the anger and confusion
out weigh the sorrow

I feel I could let go
And scream
Until my throat hurts
As much as my heart does
At this moment

I feel like hating
Everything and everyone
I don’t know why
It’s all building up
I can’t take the weight off my shoulders

I feel like hiding
From my upset
I don’t want to face it
Not now
Not ever

Why did I think
Life would be easy?


Sheena told me that you are posting on the fiction press website. I often go on the site to read her stories and this morning I read your poems. I hope you aren’t mad at her; she didn’t tell me anything other than the name that you are using but I guess she was worried about you and she thought that I could help. I wanted to share my poem with you in the hope that it would show you that you are not alone and I understand the things that you are feeling.

I know that you are aware of our family’s little curse called depression. A couple of years ago I mentioned to your mother that I thought I was seeing signs of it in you and I believe that you both have discussed it but I want to tell you a bit about my experience.

I want to share some things with you that are very personal and I am going to trust that you will keep much of this confidential. I talk about this with my family and with maybe four of my closest friends that I know will love me no matter what. It’s not that I am embarrassed about my depression but some people look at you differently when they know. Sometimes people knowing is a good thing… like with Ian because he can see that sometimes I need to be alone and sometimes I need a hug. I don’t discuss this with Sheena because she lives with Joe, who is my boss, and I don’t want him to know. I guess I don’t tell most people because I want them to see me and not this depression. And sometimes it’s frustrating to deal with the people that don’t “get it”. I don’t feel that I need people to understand but I do need the people around me to accept it and not turn it against me. It takes a while but eventually you figure out who those people are. Feel free to tell anyone around you about the things that I am going to tell you, I just ask that you not discuss it with the people out here.

For most of my life I had no idea that there was something wrong with me. I thought that I was going through the same teenage angst that my friends were going through. I had days that I felt good about myself but, for the most part, I thought that I was pretty useless and ugly and fat and worthless. Sometimes I doubted these bad feelings but most of the time I felt this was a fact, I was crap… I just wasn’t worthy of people caring about me. But the really funny part was that I thought all of these bad things about myself but I didn’t want anyone else to figure it out. It was almost as if I told them how I felt about myself that they would go “you know, you’re right - you are crap” and not like me anymore.

I have always been quite guarded with my feelings. On the bad days I couldn’t talk about it and on the good days I didn’t want to. I smiled and kept up my “life of the party” image. I didn’t act out much as a teenager because I didn’t want to stand out, I just wanted to blend in with everyone else so no one would know. I didn’t really get close to people either; you can’t really let people in if you are afraid of what they will find. When I had a crush on some guy, I liked them until they liked me... then I didn’t like them anymore because I thought something had to be wrong with them if they liked me. Some people might think that’s pretty twisted but that was how my brain worked. I know now that not talking about this stuff was my biggest mistake. I had no reason to doubt these bad things that I felt because no one could ever say that it wasn’t true. I felt so strongly that I was right that I never gave anyone the opportunity to tell me that I was wrong.

Not knowing where the feelings were coming from, I always found a reason for them… I was too fat, what ever boy that I was currently crushing on didn’t love me back, I didn’t have enough money, I felt sick, I hated school or my job or whatever. There were a million excuses and I spent a life time trying to fix what was causing the hurt… I changed jobs, changed boyfriends, changed homes, over and over and over… until I realized that it had to be me. But depression? I saw the commercials on tv, I read the articles in magazines… they said that if you lost interest in the things that you used to enjoy that you should talk to someone. That didn’t apply to me. I was like this my whole life.

In October of 2003 I was thrown from a horse and hit my head. My doctor prescribed pain killers but I didn’t take them. I think it was about three weeks later that I accepted the fact that I was saving them up so that I could take them all at once. That was one of the hardest days of my life because that was the day that I realized that I needed help (and I really, really hate asking for help!). I started taking an antidepressant medication that has changed my life in more ways than I can measure.

But so much much more than medication, the biggest healing came from talking to a therapist. He was the one that figured it all out, actually. One day I was telling him a story and said something about not wanting to get out of bed for a week and he said that wasn’t normal behavior. But how could it not be? I had lived like that for my whole life and I saw other members of my family behave the same way. I thought everyone had times like that but they just didn’t talk about it… like me. So we started digging deeper. I think it was okay to tell him my feelings because he wasn’t my family, he wasn’t my friend… I could handle it if he found out what a waste of a human being that I was. And he helped me accept that I wasn’t a waste, that I was worthy. I learned to love myself and, so much harder, I learned to let people love me… the real me. I am happier than I ever thought possible, happier than I ever thought I deserved.

Now I can look back and know that all of the tears and heartache from my youth did not stem from my worthlessness. My worthlessness was, in fact, a byproduct of my depression. In some ways, the fact that you know that your feelings are caused by depression can be a great benefit to you. But, in other ways, I think it could become a disadvantage. I guess it depends on how you look at it and what you do about it. If you let the feelings of depression become a crutch, you could sit back for your whole life and blame everything bad that ever happens to you on your illness. But that won’t make you happy or fulfilled or give you a feeling of self worth. The happiness and self worth will come from struggling against it. It will come from knowing that you have this hurdle to face and believing that you have the strength within you to overcome.

I know it probably doesn’t feel like you have that strength yet but you can and you will. The easiest thing to do when you start feeling down is to sink into it and let it swallow you. I still have bad days when all I want to do is push everyone away and crawl under the blankets until the bad feelings go away. And sometimes that’s exactly what I do. But that only makes it worse. Your writing will be quite good for you. It’s an outlet to express what is going on inside you and exploring the things that are going on in your mind. And you really are good at it. If you keep it up you will eventually feel more comfortable putting your feelings down on paper. Don’t berate yourself or talk down to yourself. There will be enough people in your life that will try to do that for you. If you believe it, it will only hurt you. Know that you are an amazing person. You have so much to offer the world; don’t ever doubt that.

You have a head start now, Brandon. You are so much further ahead of the game than your mother and I were at your age, and you are worlds ahead of your grandfather. It’s hard but you need to remember that the things that go through your mind when you are down are not coming from you, they are being caused by disruptions in the neurotransmitters in your brain (or whatever the correct medical terminology is!!). This is different than people who suffer from depression that is not caused by genetics. These people get depressed because of events that happen, they have a specific reason to be down; someone they love dies or they lose their job or a million other reasons. Our bad feelings do not always have a specific reason. And sometimes the reason is different than we think it is. I’m not saying that your experiences and upsets aren’t valid, I’m just asking that you try to find a positive way to deal with them.

The answer is never never never (did I say never??) suicide or hurting yourself. Trying to stop the pain in that way offers absolutely no benefit. It doesn’t help you deal with your problems, it doesn’t fix what is wrong. The only thing it could do is devastate the people who love you. Ian’s brother committed suicide when he was a young adult. His family was crushed and his mother will never recover. Suicide is an extremely selfish act. If you feel that you want to hurt yourself, I beg you to reach out to someone. Even if you don’t care about you, you need to care about your mother, care about me and everyone else who loves you; you need to look for help. Honestly, I think that you are a very loving person and you are too considerate of others to try to end your life but sometimes the pain is hard to take and we look for a way out. Promise me that you will look for a different way.

When you are down the best things that you can do for yourself are difficult to deal with when you feel like you can’t deal with anything but they will always, always help… be around people that make you laugh, get exercise, take Holly for a walk, DDR until you can’t take it anymore! Just do something. And it’s HARD, so hard to do, but it will make the bad parts pass much faster. You might want to talk to your mother about medication. Most doctors don’t like to prescribe antidepressants to teens but it might be an option if things get bad and you feel that you can’t cope.

The most important thing that I can tell you is to understand and BELIEVE BELIEVE BELIEVE that the pain will pass. It really will. There is nothing that you will ever go through, good or bad, that will not ease with time. Even if you someday find yourself at the end of your rope, know that you do have the strength to get through it. Ask for help, talk to someone (I’m available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week), hug your dog, lie in bed and pull the covers over your head… do what you need to do to survive and it will pass… I promise. I will always be here for you and you can tell me anything - and anything that you tell me will stay with me and only me. I want you to feel that you can talk to me about these things but, if you don’t want to, I will understand that, too. Just do what you need to do… and be happy… you deserve it!

Brandon, we are connected by blood but I feel more than that with you. I think of you as my nephew and as my friend. I see a lot of myself in you, I see a lot of your mother in you and I feel a bond with you that will never weaken. You are a fantastic person, you are fun to be around, you are handsome, you are smart, you have a good heart and I love you. I love you – UNCONDITIONALLY – no matter what.

From your favorite aunt,
Bev xxx

Our Deepest Fear

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory... that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

- by Marianne Williamson
(religious references have been removed)


I love this poem/quote. It was a fear... I always had to look at the person next to me... and I would never surpass what that person was doing. So afraid of standing out. Now look at me - a leader/boss/mentor/friend. I love this me! Sound egotistical? I'm okay with that. I don't think that I'm a stupid waste of space any more. I used to wonder why bosses (for instance) would say such positive things about me in reviews and what-not. I just figured that they said really nice things about everyone. Now I think that it was because I do good work. I'm smart. I got my shit together. Most of the time. As far as anyone else can see. People look up to me now... maybe they always did and I just couldn't grasp that.

Facebook sucks... up all your time cuz it's awesome!

Can you believe this? It's almost 2pm and I have actually accomplished a bit of work - teeny weeny little bit. Because that damn Facebook is driving me crazy! I love it!! It's probably like the Sims... at first it sucks up all of your time... absolute time vacuum... then it levels out and you are just like a normal person again. Just like one. Kinda. As much as I could ever be.

That's funny. My whole life I would cry and think "I just want to be normal". And now I am normal. I'm still weird, I'm still odd, I'm still fat, I'm still me but now I am normal.

It's hard for me to go back there... in my brain, I mean. Back to that time when I was mental. But I can look back now and know that I was right... I knew there was something wrong with me. I just didn't know what it was. Clinical depression. That's hilarious! Don't you know that I'm the life of the party? When I can get out of bed and go to the party.

I Don't Want to Work

I don't want to work. I don't want to work. I don't want to work. I want to be a stay at home mom but I don't want to have kids. Does my dog count? So sleepy! I think it's Monday again.

Yeah, I know... boo hoo! I actually quite love my job. It's a mish-mash of this and that. I prefer the crazy busy going-out-of-your-mind challenge days but there aren't many of those since I got two extra people to help. Now it's little itty-bitty details. Balance this account, find out why this isn't right, pay this bill. Blech.

It doesn't much help that most of the time I want to string my boss up! He's really a great guy. He's taught me a lot, he's helped me a lot, he's generous and kind... but irritating! Fuckin' micro-manage me, buddy. You'll get a swift kick.

Okay, be nice! Get over it and get to work. It ain't goin anywhere until it gets done so I'm really only procrastinating. But it's one of my special talents! And I do it so well...

My New Journal

I’ve had a journal for most of my life. My first real journal began when I was 15 and my life went haywire and I landed flat on my head. It’s kind of fun/sad to read now because I see that girl who was sooooo so messed up and I still hurt for her. But I wrote to work out the mess in my brain; I wrote to find some reason, some answer to my unhappiness. Sadly, the answers that I found were wrong but it did placate me at the time.

And so I wrote. And I wrote. And I wrote some more. And then I burned it all. How could I not? Most of it was demonic musings of a psycho teenage girl and then worse musings of a woman on the edge of … of… anyway, I could never let someone see the mad ravings! Probably because, if you read what was actually written, you would see: Boo hoo! Why doesn’t (insert name here) want me? If you read between the lines, however, you would see: Help me stop hating myself!

So I periodically threw the books in the fire. People said that I would regret it – and they were right to a degree – but I still wouldn’t want someone to read them after I was gone and think that I was that person. Not many people are able to find meaning beyond the words. But I continued to write because I found it an outlet that I could use to vent about all of the bad, and sometimes good, things that I was living through. Then one day I realized that it was causing more problems than it was solving.

I would sit at home alone and write and cry and drink and write and cry. I would then inevitably go send some stupid drunken email to whatever man was currently ruining my life. And then I would feel good… conflict discovered, conflict deleted. And then morning would come. Oooops! I eventually realized that my journals had turned into a way for me to get worked up. Oh, the tears and the frustration and the absolute blah, blah, blah.

However - and this is the reason that we are all here right now - I miss it. I miss writing. I miss recording my life. It’s nice sometimes to go back and see where you were and how far you’ve come and I’ve lost that. I decided that I would like to write again. But – new problem – I don’t live alone anymore. I don’t think that it would be fair to write down all of these personal thoughts and observations and not expect Ian to be curious enough to take a peek. And I really don’t think that I will be writing anything that I wouldn’t want him to see because he knows me better than anyone ever has but there are things that sneak into my brain every so often that he doesn’t need to know.

So, here I sit… here I write. I have a journal that I can pull out whenever and wherever I want (within reason!!), it’s private and I will feel free to be who I am… whoever that might be at any specific time. Hold on… this is gonna be fun!