That's what I just put on my twitter. Then I LOL'ed a bit... ha... lol. Something inside me switched. I think it's time. I think I'm okay now. I think I'm even ready to change the password on this blahg. That life (this life today and for the last time) is not for me anymore. Any. More.
I wrote a story last night. Started. Can you believe that? And the days that I wasn't high were so much more fun than the days when I was. It's almost like... almost like the end of my fucking around days. And the end of my smoking days. The end of my Newfoundland days. The end of my Wabush days. Mother fucker. It's the same thing, new generation. I'M PEPSI!
Now I'm going to go read my old blahg one more time and burn it. Metaphorically speaking, of course. (Because, as much as everyone was right when they said I would regret it if I burned my old books, as much as they were right, it was a ceremonial thing almost, graduating to the next stage of life, as I am doing right now with you, including too many commas.)
I think I know now. Everything has fallen together on a larger scale, now it's time for the details... as much as I hate the details. Time for a commitment, as much as I've always hated commitment. It's time to settle down. To be part of a family. Someday! Slow the fuck down, woman! (haha... ya... only I, at the tender age of 38, would take that as fast. haha... let the games begin.) *insert smiley face here.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
I think I found a new wall... sort of...
Or maybe I just figured out my brother's wall. I'm always trying to figure out my brother's wall. Everyone thinks that I am fed up with him but I'm kind of testing him.
* Fucking healthy food is even starting to ruin my mediocre stuff. I've already started getting disgusted at the thought of take out... McDonald's is over. But my crackers taste like shit, probably stale... the old me would notice and wouldn't care. *
** See the way my mind works? This is the thought process. I had to go all the way through that to realize that my crackers are stale. Sigh. More on that later, perhaps. **
Brother's wall, testing, right. Of course I'm testing him but perhaps in different ways than I am conscious of. I say that I'm trying to see how long it will be before he actually visits. I can't believe it's been almost a whole year since I saw him. Since that night of the xtreme fighting... and it came home from the bar with us... the shouting part anyway.
Let me put it this way. My brother? Is an ass. Dick to the largest degree. It's sad really because he is such a cool guy. Such a cool guy. You would not believe the following he had in high school. The following. People just sparkled when he would talk to them. He just had this way of drawing people in. Oh, he was good looking. Lots of people are good looking. The stupid girls would try to be friends with me so they could come to my house to be near my brother. Drove me crazy! But it was more than looks. It was charisma. It was confidence. It was strength of character. At least that's who I saw when I looked at him.
I feel that I really need to add a little background information. It bothers me to even bring this up because he is my brother as much as anyone ever could be. He was adopted. Our father was adopted, too, so we knew that a child could be brought in to a family and become a legitimate part of them. (the fact that our father wasn't fully aware of that was really sad, though)
As children the fact that Tom was adopted had no bearing on our lives, other than the way he convinced me - and I'm certain he believed this to a large degree - that he was better because Mom and Dad picked him but with the rest of us they had to just take what they got. He told me that Mom and Dad walked down this long hall full of cribs with the cutest babies in it and they picked him because he was the cutest of the cutest. It sounded plausible to me. And the girls at school all thought he was the cutest of the cutest. Even the women kind of flustered when he looked into their eyes. He owned the world. And he was my brother.
But there was always this asshole underneath the surface. He'd come out every now and then. I thought it was just irritating brother stuff. We had a few fights. He had fights with our older sister when she lived at home, too... it seemed only natural. I'd be going about my day and suddenly I would say something that set him off and he would go ape shit on my ass. Absolutely. Ape. Shit. (When reminiscing, we often talk about that time. The fights "we" had. Honestly? I was fucking shit baked of the guy... I was just trying to protect myself. No, that's bullshit for the most part, I absolutely did my share of the screaming and hitting. But I was afraid of him, don't doubt it for a minute.)
Like I said, I thought it was just brother stuff until I started hanging around with his girlfriend. Perhaps that was a large problem in their relationship? I was a witness from the olden days. He still lost it with me, reasonably often. But he lost it with her, too. There was no hitting - sorry if I misled you. It wasn't like that, he would just lose his temper about something as stupid as the weather and start banging cupboard doors and stuff. (I think that's what was scary. He just lost control. That's very unnerving to be around.)
So, back to the wall.
* Fucking healthy food is even starting to ruin my mediocre stuff. I've already started getting disgusted at the thought of take out... McDonald's is over. But my crackers taste like shit, probably stale... the old me would notice and wouldn't care. *
** See the way my mind works? This is the thought process. I had to go all the way through that to realize that my crackers are stale. Sigh. More on that later, perhaps. **
Brother's wall, testing, right. Of course I'm testing him but perhaps in different ways than I am conscious of. I say that I'm trying to see how long it will be before he actually visits. I can't believe it's been almost a whole year since I saw him. Since that night of the xtreme fighting... and it came home from the bar with us... the shouting part anyway.
Let me put it this way. My brother? Is an ass. Dick to the largest degree. It's sad really because he is such a cool guy. Such a cool guy. You would not believe the following he had in high school. The following. People just sparkled when he would talk to them. He just had this way of drawing people in. Oh, he was good looking. Lots of people are good looking. The stupid girls would try to be friends with me so they could come to my house to be near my brother. Drove me crazy! But it was more than looks. It was charisma. It was confidence. It was strength of character. At least that's who I saw when I looked at him.
I feel that I really need to add a little background information. It bothers me to even bring this up because he is my brother as much as anyone ever could be. He was adopted. Our father was adopted, too, so we knew that a child could be brought in to a family and become a legitimate part of them. (the fact that our father wasn't fully aware of that was really sad, though)
As children the fact that Tom was adopted had no bearing on our lives, other than the way he convinced me - and I'm certain he believed this to a large degree - that he was better because Mom and Dad picked him but with the rest of us they had to just take what they got. He told me that Mom and Dad walked down this long hall full of cribs with the cutest babies in it and they picked him because he was the cutest of the cutest. It sounded plausible to me. And the girls at school all thought he was the cutest of the cutest. Even the women kind of flustered when he looked into their eyes. He owned the world. And he was my brother.
But there was always this asshole underneath the surface. He'd come out every now and then. I thought it was just irritating brother stuff. We had a few fights. He had fights with our older sister when she lived at home, too... it seemed only natural. I'd be going about my day and suddenly I would say something that set him off and he would go ape shit on my ass. Absolutely. Ape. Shit. (When reminiscing, we often talk about that time. The fights "we" had. Honestly? I was fucking shit baked of the guy... I was just trying to protect myself. No, that's bullshit for the most part, I absolutely did my share of the screaming and hitting. But I was afraid of him, don't doubt it for a minute.)
Like I said, I thought it was just brother stuff until I started hanging around with his girlfriend. Perhaps that was a large problem in their relationship? I was a witness from the olden days. He still lost it with me, reasonably often. But he lost it with her, too. There was no hitting - sorry if I misled you. It wasn't like that, he would just lose his temper about something as stupid as the weather and start banging cupboard doors and stuff. (I think that's what was scary. He just lost control. That's very unnerving to be around.)
So, back to the wall.
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