Dr. Gray said something funny the other day. He said "I think we should keep you chubby for a while". He said it in the context that I should meet people while I am over weight to let them get to know me and let me get to know them as I am now so I can get rid of the feeling that no one will love me while I am fat. And I laughed and like his idea because I started the Body for Life program that Sunday and had already been cheating my ass off by our Wednesday session. That night I think I ordered a pizza for supper.
But I don't think that I should do that. Let's face it, it's going to take me a LONG time to be anywhere near thin. Also I don't need a license to eat like that. But, most importantly, I read that a good way to reduce depression is through proper diet and exercise and most of the things that I want to do (swimming, the Vancouver Sun Run, etc) will require me to be in much better shape than I am right now. But I don't want to be crazy dieting. I honestly believe that once I start living the life that I want to lead, the weight will come off naturally. I do need to help it though, get started. Otherwise I'll always be sitting here wanting to be out there doing but without the energy to actually get up.
Sunday, August 31, 2003
I've been thinking a lot about what I wrote last night. That my happiness has always been dependent on making someone else happy. I think that's why I've always had so much trouble being alone. And also why I've always been attracted to the same type of man. The ones who were alone. the ones who would take and take and teak. The ones who could never love me - at least not the way I needed. Because I never loved me - at least not the way I needed. Sure, on the good days I always thought that I was a good person. Caring, generous, funny, not even too bad looking. But I don't think that I ever really loved me. I can't look int a mirror and say 'I love you'. Sometimes I can say 'yeah, yer okay'. Most of the time I just scowl. So, why not love? I'm deserving of love if I make someone else happy. If I buy them something. If I do a good deed. I guess to drive myself crazy trying to find something to buy Fabe. Something that wouldn't freak him out but would put a smile on his face. I always thought that it was because I was trying to make him love me but I think it was really because I was trying to feel justified in his caring about me. But it didn't work. Every time that I tried to push him away I would say 'it's okay that you can't love me' because I can't love me. And he couldn't love me. Because I couldn't let him. So why not? Why is it so easy for me to tell someone that I love them but I can't ell me? Why do I always feel that everyone else is justified in not loving me?
Dr. Gray is right - I do need to get a life. I need to learn to be okay with being with me. That's another thing that really came out with Fabe. I often felt like I had nothing to offer, nothing interesting to say. I think with Karl that never really came out because he was perfectly happy letting me shadow his life. Fabe wanted me to have my own. And I kind of thought that I did - when he was around. When he wasn't around I just spent my time waiting for him to come back. As I have spent this month. Not really wanting him to come back because I know that I need this but waiting for him to come back and love me so I can feel justified in loving myself.
And what about the weight? Crutch? Absolutely. I know that there are times that I use it to push people away. But I think it's more than that now. Habit? Comfort? Ah, we are back to love. It's okay if you don't want me. Look at me. How could you want me? The eating crap is a habit now. I'll always pick a bag of chips over a carrot. But, over all, I don't eat that bad. I don't even really enjoy a big greasy burger anymore. I think the main part right now is inactivity. Which is also a habit. It's not that I'm lazy, out of shape yes but not really lazy. I want to be out there. I want to swim and skate and ski and roller blade and hike and ride and camp and run. It's just not so fun to do it alone. And in looking for a man, I've always looked for someone who did those things, who could teach me. With Karl, it was things he 'used' to do that got me confused. All of the stories were very past tense. Kind of with Fabe, too, although not that far in the past. In the end he was getting back into all that outdoor stuff but I wasn't included.
It's funny, I keep thinking that by the time I get on with all of this, I'll be exactly the person he wanted me to be. But there's this funny little thought on the edge of my mind that, when I get on with all of this, he won't be the person that I want. but that's not really true. I think that I found the right person at the wrong time. Luckily for me, I don't believe that there is only one person for everyone. I do believe that, when I'm ready, I will find another right person. Just got to let go of Fabe in the mean time!
"RIGHT NOW SOMEONE IS WISHING FOR NOTHING MORE THAN WHAT YOU ALREADY HAVE"
Dr. Gray is right - I do need to get a life. I need to learn to be okay with being with me. That's another thing that really came out with Fabe. I often felt like I had nothing to offer, nothing interesting to say. I think with Karl that never really came out because he was perfectly happy letting me shadow his life. Fabe wanted me to have my own. And I kind of thought that I did - when he was around. When he wasn't around I just spent my time waiting for him to come back. As I have spent this month. Not really wanting him to come back because I know that I need this but waiting for him to come back and love me so I can feel justified in loving myself.
And what about the weight? Crutch? Absolutely. I know that there are times that I use it to push people away. But I think it's more than that now. Habit? Comfort? Ah, we are back to love. It's okay if you don't want me. Look at me. How could you want me? The eating crap is a habit now. I'll always pick a bag of chips over a carrot. But, over all, I don't eat that bad. I don't even really enjoy a big greasy burger anymore. I think the main part right now is inactivity. Which is also a habit. It's not that I'm lazy, out of shape yes but not really lazy. I want to be out there. I want to swim and skate and ski and roller blade and hike and ride and camp and run. It's just not so fun to do it alone. And in looking for a man, I've always looked for someone who did those things, who could teach me. With Karl, it was things he 'used' to do that got me confused. All of the stories were very past tense. Kind of with Fabe, too, although not that far in the past. In the end he was getting back into all that outdoor stuff but I wasn't included.
It's funny, I keep thinking that by the time I get on with all of this, I'll be exactly the person he wanted me to be. But there's this funny little thought on the edge of my mind that, when I get on with all of this, he won't be the person that I want. but that's not really true. I think that I found the right person at the wrong time. Luckily for me, I don't believe that there is only one person for everyone. I do believe that, when I'm ready, I will find another right person. Just got to let go of Fabe in the mean time!
"RIGHT NOW SOMEONE IS WISHING FOR NOTHING MORE THAN WHAT YOU ALREADY HAVE"
I think I just decided to go off the pill. I've been babysitting Buddy and Bubba all weekend (buddy had leg surgery on Thursday) and I just realized that I forgot to take it Friday and Saturday and I figured why not? Just to see. I always thought that it caused my mood swings when I was younger. But I've been on it for almost 7 years. And, without it, what do I do? Not that I'll be having sex for a while :( Condoms suck. Oh well, let's see. I can always just go back on in a couple of months.
I think that the hardest part for me right now is just dealing. Dealing with all of this stuff at the same time. Loving and missing Fabian, guilt over doing so shitty for my customers, stress because I have so much to get done and dealing with this fucked up mental state. It's so much easier to just push it all away. But that's what I've always done and look where it got me. Just knowing about this depression makes me constantly on edge. Constantly watching, waiting, judging ever move, every mood. I know it will be better in the long run, I know that I'll come through all this better and stronger and happier. This is definitely a test that I need to pass.
I'm scared stiff about going to this theatre group meeting on Tuesday. But I have to look at it as a challenge. And I'm sure once I get there I will be happy that I went. Even if it turns out to be less than I hope. It's getting there that's the challenge.
Dr. Gray says I need to get a life. Sounds funny, sounds sarcastic. But it's true. I've never developed as a person in my own right. My life depended on making other people happy. My happiness laid in everyone else's. And now that I'm alone, there is no one to please.
I'm scared stiff about going to this theatre group meeting on Tuesday. But I have to look at it as a challenge. And I'm sure once I get there I will be happy that I went. Even if it turns out to be less than I hope. It's getting there that's the challenge.
Dr. Gray says I need to get a life. Sounds funny, sounds sarcastic. But it's true. I've never developed as a person in my own right. My life depended on making other people happy. My happiness laid in everyone else's. And now that I'm alone, there is no one to please.
Thursday, August 28, 2003
Dearest Diary...
Ha! Ha! Yeah, here I am again. Starting another. Shred the old one - start a new one.
Okay, let's get right to the point. I miss Fabian. A month later and I still ache for him. But as many times as I wish he would call, there are just as many times that I'm glad he doesn't. Stacey asked me the other day if I regret breaking up with him (I guess she's tired of hearing his name!). And the answer is no. I don't regret breaking up with him. I am sad that it didn't work out and I love him so much still but ----
Whoa! That brought on a MAJOR Fabe-ache! Whew! They really suck! Luckily they don't last quite as long as they used to and, sober, I can stop myself from emailing him or driving by his house. Honestly, it's because I don't want to do anything to put this into a total state of disrepair. As if it's not already! But the fantasy of 'someday' burns eternal.
Okay, sorry - where was I? I don't regret breaking up with him. But it does bother me that it didn't work out because I really do think that we had something speical. At the same time, I know that this is what I really needed. It was being with someone so great for me that made me realize that something was wrong in my head.
It's so obvious to me now. I guess it always was but now I can name it, and work on it. It's still hard but the future seems bright. So many questions have been answered by this. So many days and nights of not feeling right, of being afraid of my own mind. Not that it's over. Not by a long shot. I've got quiet a road ahead of my but I really thing that I can get through this. PAST this. This that I once termed 'teenage angst' (at the tender age of 31!) but this that I now know is termed depression.
Dr. Gray has really helped me a lot. From the first session with him I have been more aware, seeing for the first time that there really are two sides of my brain that are working independently of each other, against each other. I have always been big on self improvement, looking for what was making me unhappy and changing it. It's just that now I realize that I was changing the wrong things.
Ha! Ha! Yeah, here I am again. Starting another. Shred the old one - start a new one.
Okay, let's get right to the point. I miss Fabian. A month later and I still ache for him. But as many times as I wish he would call, there are just as many times that I'm glad he doesn't. Stacey asked me the other day if I regret breaking up with him (I guess she's tired of hearing his name!). And the answer is no. I don't regret breaking up with him. I am sad that it didn't work out and I love him so much still but ----
Whoa! That brought on a MAJOR Fabe-ache! Whew! They really suck! Luckily they don't last quite as long as they used to and, sober, I can stop myself from emailing him or driving by his house. Honestly, it's because I don't want to do anything to put this into a total state of disrepair. As if it's not already! But the fantasy of 'someday' burns eternal.
Okay, sorry - where was I? I don't regret breaking up with him. But it does bother me that it didn't work out because I really do think that we had something speical. At the same time, I know that this is what I really needed. It was being with someone so great for me that made me realize that something was wrong in my head.
It's so obvious to me now. I guess it always was but now I can name it, and work on it. It's still hard but the future seems bright. So many questions have been answered by this. So many days and nights of not feeling right, of being afraid of my own mind. Not that it's over. Not by a long shot. I've got quiet a road ahead of my but I really thing that I can get through this. PAST this. This that I once termed 'teenage angst' (at the tender age of 31!) but this that I now know is termed depression.
Dr. Gray has really helped me a lot. From the first session with him I have been more aware, seeing for the first time that there really are two sides of my brain that are working independently of each other, against each other. I have always been big on self improvement, looking for what was making me unhappy and changing it. It's just that now I realize that I was changing the wrong things.
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