My god, I hope my mother never has a

Yeah, let's just let that one lie. It's not worth the chance. ANYWAY!

So, here's the funny thing. I had a major break through today! I was so blown away because it totally makes sense. And it's so simple!

I've been driving myself crazy trying to figure out what it is that makes me break up with those boys. For my whole life, I break up and get back together and break up. And here's what I've come up with. And pay close attention because this is good stuff!

Since I was 15 or so (and maybe that's why the summer that I was 15 stands out as such a turning point in my life - maybe that's when it all really started) I have been battling this depression. I didn't know what it was but I knew there was something. And looking back, I really used to wonder if it was PMS to the extreme but that didn't really make sense because of the timing. (GOD - I AM SO SMART!) But how it was like PMS was that it came in cycles. My world went up and down and up and down; where now it's more consistent.

So, let's say in high school, the cycle was:

I'm okay, I feel good about me
little bit of bickering, I need time alone
there's something wrong
I have to make this hurting stop so where is it coming from
must be a boy because our relationship went for shit
get away from me, you are making me sad
okay now I can feel okay again and get on with it
I feel good about me
let's get back together.

That's the cycle in a nutshell. That's why, after a couple of years, Dave became like "okay, if that's the way you want it, I will leave you alone - talk to you next week". And it would piss me off at the time but he was always right.

And that cycle never stopped. With Paul and with Jeff to a lesser degree, then Karl and then especially Fabian. Obviously, it had to be me - I was the only common denominator. But I was really worried last week because in trying to figure this out I realized that in my mind was that I wanted to be with someone else and then I'd break up. But it wasn't that at all. I would be having a hard time and push the guy away because I need to be alone when I'm sad, then I would go down even further and think it had to be the relationship that was making me sad so that must go and I will find better and life would be perfect. And another reason that I knew it wasn't that I was just a selfish bitch who thought this guy wasn't good enough was because it was the same with everything - whatever was to blame for causing this cycle. Friends, jobs, living situation, family, my fat, my looks, and on and on and on. Because there had to be a reason. I've been crying every day for a week - there has to be a reason! I just didn't find the right reason.

And my "from scratch" theory comes into it, too. Each cycle, on the way up, I would be thinking I have to stop this and this is what the problem is and when I stop it life will be perfect. I can start from scratch and lose weight and get a new job and move to a new place. And all of these things kept me going, kept me occupied and then I could start again. The cycle was me going in circles because I got to a certain point and the world came crashing down again and so on.

Here is my struggle now because this is still evolving. I am having super concentrate teenage years and learning about myself for real at lightning speed.

Solid start from scratch and step one - I would start exercising - yadda, yadda, yadda. But I would get to step three and fall back down to step one. And I never got past step three. So here I am at step four and five and six and I'm lost. I've never been here before and I don't know what I'm supposed to do next. I lost 30 pounds and stopped. I have lost 30 pounds four different times in my adult life - but I have never lost more. That's where it stopped because there would inevitably be a crash

-- fuck, figuring this stuff out is awesome! --

and the eating and self loathing came back and so did the pounds. So last year, chemically enhanced, I lost 30 pounds and stopped. And I kept it off - for the first time ever - but I didn't know where to go next because I never had before. And I tried this and that but nothing seemed to work. And it was quite frustrating. And now I'm pretty sure I figured it out and the weight will fall off naturally. there is no more binging because I don't feel those extremes anymore.

And, so, way back in April when I was feeling a little frustrated with Fabian, and we didn't talk for a little bit - step three - when I got past that, I didn't know where to go next. Because I never had. I could have just called him and said hey, how's it going? But it escalated and I didn't call and he didn't call and all of a sudden two months had passed and all I could think was that this isn't what I want. After three years this is as far as we've come? So I said let's stop the cycle. What I didn't realize was that the cycle had already stopped and what I was having trouble with was how, for the first time in my life, do I get to the next step?