I've been reading the Mars/Venus book again and I think I should be taking notes to remind myself of his good advice and insight for the times that I actually need it. Not only for Fabian but for men in general. (Mm hmmm!)

Anyway, this book is totally written about Fabe. Instead of saying 'men' are this way, it should be 'Fabe' is this way. One thing that really stands out is the cave and his penchant for Fabe time. How he pulls away when I am getting close. I do punish him for that. I take it personally and I promise myself that I'm not going to put myself out there again. But Dr. Gray says that when men come back from the cave they need to be shown that it was okay to go and also that is the best time for the emotional stuff. That's so true. That's the time when we have more romantic sex, when we touch more and when he tells me that he cares for me. Unfortunately, it's when we get back together from a breakup because I react the exact opposite of what he needs.

I hate it when he pulls away and I always take it personally. Sometimes I follow him, usually I stay away and go into my little girl cave (a pink cave... with frills!) and just hate him for hurting me.

But I've always said that the point I think that our relationship, or his trust in me (to be more to the point) was damaged during that first breakup. And, when you consider his past, it's no surprise. I don't really remember the time line but I do remember that for my birthday that year he took me out to supper. That seemed like such a small obvious thing to me that I didn't realize that it was a hard thing for him. It was him being exposed by giving. And I spent the night crying because I didn't have a cake. So he left. He went into his cave and I cahsed him so he stayed even longer and then I broke it off. But, according to Dr. Gray "a man's deepest fear is that he's not good enough or that he is incompetent... To extend himself in giving to others means to risk failure, correction or disapproval. These consequences are most painful because deep inside his unconscious he holds an incorrect belief that he is not good enough (thank you Fabe's mother)... He wants to give but is afraid of failing, so he doesn't try."

He also goes on to say that if the man cares a lot, the fear of failure increases and he'll be even less apt to take the risk. His defense is 'I don't care' and his insecurity will not let him feel. He needs to learn how to give more by realizing that it's okay to make mistakes. And apparently crying and telling him he didn't do good enough didn't help him to realize that! And it sure as hell didn't make him want to try again. Therefore, for every occasion, he is non-existent. But how do I go back or how do I start now to let him realize that it's okay to make mistakes? I've always had so much trouble with talking. I'm more apt to let it build and build and then blow up (thank you, Mom). I am getting better though but I really am afraid to offending or hurting him. And Dr. Gray says that the times I did try to bolster him up when he did something, I totally over did it, which is just as bad. Crap, this is rough stuff!

But, here's what I say right now. I'm in a totally different place. When I walked way last time it was a decision that I thought was permanent and so I worked on building my life into what I wanted it to be. And I love my life right now. And I don't need a man. And I don't want a relationship right now. I've got too much going on. So maybe now is the right time to figure this out, once and for all.

I really like Dr. Gray's rubber band analogy. He says that a man's intimacy cycle is like a rubber band. At some point he feels a need to pull away, to rediscover his self, and when he is able to pull away without guilt or bad feelings he will be able to snap back and the relationship will grow even stronger.

I've never let anyone pull away from my. He got mad at me one night and wanted to leave in the middle of the night. I should have let him go without getting in my car and following, without getting so upset. But I think when he pulls away because of feeling inadequate he has trouble coming back. But, still, that's his choice.

Fabe is very big on his alone time and I totally understand it to a point. But I also see the pressure that I caused. Like when he would say he'd be over after work - I would figure out what time he should be home and, therefore, what time he should be here. And, when he was late, as he invariably was, I would get mad because he was being inconsiderate by making me wait. But I should have gone about my own thing and had supper or done whatever. And, instead of calling and telling him off or being pissy when he finally got here, I could have just said 'hey, I'd appreciate a call'. Not go into the whys and hows and what-fors. Just say what I need to say and move on. Why have I always been so big on punishment? I guess it's my whole 'I'll hurt you first' attitude. Insecurity, negative levels of self esteem.

I learned a lot about my own cycle of dealing with things with Tom last week. I guess because it happened faster and on a different scale than with Fabe, or boys in general. First is upset, then anger. The 'who do you think you are and why should I give you what you want' mode. Then I get it out, talk about it, mull it over a bit, then I get over it. Instead of 'why the hell do I have to kiss his ass' I realized that by kissing his ass I get what I want. So it makes him feel good, too - bonus - but mainly I get what I want! I need to learn to play it up more. =) Damn, this whole self-confidence thing is just neat!!

One thing that I do have to remember about Fabe is that he does care about me. Even when he goes away for a while. Even when he gets hurt and rejected so easily. Even though he often has trouble saying it, he does care about me. Right now I'm just not sure if that's enough in the long term. So I'm not thinking long term. It's right here and right now and let's see. He may never be able to offer me what I need and I think that me realizing that will help. Not by me pulling away emotionally as I have always done but by feeling less pressure - both of us.

You know what's funny? And not 'a horse walks into a bar' funny. And not 'look at that chick's hair' funny. But, like, hmmmm funny. Yeah. ANYWAY! When I look in the mirror and say god you're cute and damn I'm gonna be gorgeous, isn't that the same reflection that I turned away from for the past 20ish years? That's funny. Damn, I'm sexy!

Just got home from Les Miserables. It was just amazing. Man, to be able to sing like that! The music just fills me up.

Anyway, back to me! I'm so different. My head is such a different place to be. The confidence. The self respect. I ROCK!

But I'm tired and must to snack and HIT HAY!

I wrote this today in an email to Julie - that I didn't send...

'Men suck! Yep, all of 'em... lovers, coworkers, even brothers! I am so hopping mad at my brother right now and I have no where to vent it! I could beet him to a pulp if he were here. Not really because he's much stronger than I am and he fights dirty but you know what I mean! Anyway, he's such a big baby! I was talking to Mom the other day and she said that she is coming on the 17th now instead of the 18th. Well, I had already promised Sheena and two of her friends that I would take them out to supper and then to the Greenday concert that night. So I said Tom could probably pick her up, not to worry. After I got off the phone, I called Stacey about something else and, in passing, as we were hanging up because she was in a rush to bring Tom to the airport, I asked if Tom was working on the 17th and maybe he could pick Mom up. And then I said to tell Tom congratulations on his promotion (which Mom told me about... I even said to Mom isn't it funny that I have to hear about his promotion through her when he and I live 20 minutes apart). Well, when Stacey relayed those two things he got all pissy and actually started a fight with her because I should have called him and told him congratulations myself and not to tell him what to do because he had plans on the 17th, too and who the hell do I think I am? What a scum bag! Now Stacey is all upset about having a fight with him and being caught in the middle. I can't rag him out because then he'll know that Stacey told me, I can't tell Mom because she'll get into her 'pack your bags, you're going on a guilt trip' mode and say 'well, I just won't come then'. And, to top it all off, I can't go to a concert that I was really looking forward to and now Stacey and I aren't going to the Trews concert tonight that I was really looking forward to because Tom gets back from his trip tonight and she needs to kiss his ass for a while so he won't be mad at her anymore. I can't stand that asshole! Like grow the hell up, you big baby! (and you know that I'm controlling my swearing because you're at work!) The thing he apparently doesn't get is that, if I weren't friends with Stacey, I probably would have no contact with him at all. Is he jealous because I like her better? Well, I do but it's his fault. When he had that big flip out at me last year, all of my unnecessary dealings with him ended. The only reason that I backed down and decided to be civil with him is because of Stacey. I don't need someone in my life that speaks to me like I am a piece of garbage... I don't care who he is. You know, just a couple of days ago I was thinking that it was too bad our relationship had gotten where it had because I kind of miss talking to him and getting his advice and encouragement but thank you for reminding me what a jerk you really are because I'm over those feelings now. Why should he get to be a big goddamn baby and everyone else has to suffer? Like I was telling him 'what to do'... I guess that's the same as asking him for a favor and it's my mistake to think that any man would do something for me out of the kindness of his heart or something. I repeat: MEN SUCK! Is there one on the planet that doesn't?'

Crap, my hand is tired now. But, seriously! My vent helped, though. It was weighing heavily earlier but I had a bit of a cry while I wrote that and it helped. I need to stop writing and go to bed!

Omigod! I love my new head! Have I mentioned this before? The clarity of my mind? The control over my thoughts? The ability to rationalize and not obsess? Omigod! What fun, what fun! I love me!! =)

Fabe just left. I was torturing myself before he got here, wondering if he would want to stay over, wondering how I could say no. This little itty bitty part of me wanted him to, for cuddling, but I didn't want the whole next morning stuff. Me waiting on him, him changing the channels on my tv, me waiting for him to leave. I'm liking this little thing we have going for the most part. I find myself verring down old avenues periodically but eventually I get back on course. No, not eventually, rather quickly. I keep fighting any notion of any kind of future between us. The sex is great but the things that I don't like I really have no intention of putting up with in any long term manner again. I'll just enjoy this nice casual thing we have going for now. God, he does turn me on, though... mmmmmm!

Hmmmm. Kind of a quiet lonely day so far. Haven't spoken to another human being since yesterday afternoon. Which wasn't that bad seeing I was in bed asleep before 9pm. God, no wonder I used to go out of my mind before I had chemical assistance! This sucks enough on a good day!

It's raining out. Dreary. A constant reminder that I still haven't had the damn gutters cleaned. You know what I should be doing is working on my finances so I can get a damned mortgage. And working on Karl's stuff so I can get out of all that crap. Why am I sitting here? Crap.