So, why doesn't he just call already, do you think? Oh, that's funny! After much moaning and groaning I have decided that the very best thing that I can do to prove (if only to myself) that I have changed is to let him go. I put it out there and if he wants me, now or ever, he will let me know. Chances are slim but I just have to live with the fact that it wasn't meant to be if it wasn't meant to be.

I guess it's just that I can't imagine anyone but him. I guess I'll get over that eventually but I've never felt like this. No matter how much I cared about people before Fabe, alcohol could definitely numb the feelings. But not once since the day I met Fabe have I seriously wanted anyone else.

But how's to say things would be different this time? Admitting the problem is supposed to be the first step to resolving it. Will I be more aware next time I'm with someone and make more of an effort when there's a problem? Or will I just fade away again?

I feel like a recovering alcoholic these days - without the drinking problem! On one hand my mind is constantly trying to figure out why. Why do I keep breaking up with people that I care about? It saddens me to think that it's selfishness and that I think I can to better. Will I ever stay and actually try to make it work?

Also, the AA theory is that you have to face people that you've wronged in the past. I keep thinking of all of the things that my warped mind conjured up, all of the selfishness. It's a little unnerving, to tell the truth. It's like the time that I sat in front of that mirror and thought "holy shit, how did I get so fat?" It's like I've been in my own little world for so long that I'm waking up from someone else's life. Surely that wasn't me?