If tomorrow never comes...

Do you know that old saying about how Monday never comes? Start the diet on Monday. Quit smoking on Monday. Weekend is going to be a blast because I have to do all of the eating and partying that I can do before Monday. Well, tomorrow is Monday.

Monday, end of the summer, back to life, back to reality. It's been nice. I have enjoyed this time off, this time of inner reflection, this time of learning to be myself. And I really think it's been good for me. I feel further ahead than I was in March when I quit my job... even thought I incurred/will incur about a minimum of $30,000. Actually, $20,000 because I owed $10,000 when I started. I guess I didn't really tone down on my spending too much. It lasted a week or two. Just like the eating healthy. Just like the exercise. But the one and only rule of the summer of 2008 was - whatever. Anything goes. Do it right. And do it. All the way.

I did. I let go of everything. My job, my attitude, my frustration; and I learned patience and tolerance and respect. I learned who I am and I learned who I want to be. I have set a new path in life for the first time since I was about 18 - which culminated on my 30th birthday. Since then I have been floundering, I have been sure and unsure of so many things, so many people, so many perspectives. It's almost as if I had to do everything exactly wrong so that I can finally get it right.

And I will get it right. I am excited. I am enthused! I am me now... I get to be me! And it's all on my shoulders. Whoever I end up becoming will be because I chose it, I worked for it, I earned it. I will not remain in a job that makes me weep inside just because I need to impress someone that I don't even know or care about. I will not dress, I will not speak, I will not act for anyone but me. The funny part of that is it's the reverse of my old "it's all about me" motto. It's about everyone else because the best part of me is the part that sees other people. I am the mediator, I mediate.

It's about accepting myself for who I am. It's about making the inside match the outside and the outside match the inside, because they were both confused... they just fed on each other. It's finally time to let habit become character. This is the part that I have been waiting for. And I am ready. Bring it on world!

Ex-boyfriend day

There's this strange, unexplainable phenomenon that happens every one or two months... I like to call it "ex-boyfriend day". For some reason, all of my ex-boyfriends seem to contact me on the same day. It is the weirdest thing... if one calls, they all call. Well, it's only been two in the past but I guess now Lyle is thrown into the mix.

So, perhaps I don't need to say this but Lyle came by today. He asked if I wanted to go to lunch and I said let's see... he told me this long story about how he was depressed (although he didn't use that word... he said he went into kind of a box) and didn't talk to anyone really for the last couple of months. His ex-wife moved to the island with their son, he lost his job, his cousin died - rough time, in general. And I can relate to that. I used to be a pro-hider-under-the-covers kind of person for many, many years. And the things that he told me were not a surprise. However, I told him that, while he did not and would never lose my friendship, he didn't seem to notice that I wasn't calling him, either. I told him about my discomfort over those conversations that he oddly forgot. I told him that it bothered me and made me not want to have conversations with him. I said that, right now, I want to just be friends and see what happens. And then we went to lunch.

I had fun with him. I like him. I like being around him. I don't know if I want it to go any further. He was quite respectful and silly, I laughed and had a good time. Long term? I don't know. Like I said, I want to see where it goes. I took a wee vow of celibacy in June and decided that I would not have sex again while I was 36. Well, my birthday is two months away. Will I stick to it? About that I am torn. Okay, about that I am horny. I haven't had sex since June. Not that the sex with Lyle was phenomenal. It was fine, I came and everything but, let's face it, I'm kind of easy to get off. I am setting myself on 'let's see' mode and I will just let the world unfold as it will.

As Lyle was coming upstairs, Ian called. I called him back later. We chatted. He's Ian. There is no attraction there anymore, really. I mean, when Brandon was here and he and I and Stacey went to visit Ian, I was so much more interested in Daisy than him but once or twice I missed snuggling into him. He has stinky pot now and I am kind of jonesin' cause I haven't had any for a few days. I called him back and told him that I wanted some but we didn't not connect. I am a wee bit drunked now because I drank a bottle of wine and a beer but alcohol is a downer and pot is an upper. Honestly, and obviously, I don't need either but I am sofa king bored I can't stand it!!!!!!!!!! I need something to occupy me or I will turn into an inebriated mess tout suite! (that's supposed to be french for right now but I don't remember how to spell it!!)

And then it was Fabian's turn. He called me no less than 6 times while I was away. I left him a message on Tuesday but his days off are Tuesday and Wednesday and he only calls when he is working. Sigh. I love him. He's Fabian. He's the one. He's taken. He doesn't want what I want. He's not the one for me. But he is the one. That's all I want to say right now.

Brandon

Well, my wonderful nephew, I had to send Ian a before and after picture of you - I couldn't help myself... remember his reaction to your green t-shirt? This will blow his mind!! I decided to send you a copy because I figured that it would persuade you to keep your new haircut... but once I saw the two pics together, I changed my mind.

I honestly think you look equally handsome with both haircuts; they are different but one look is no better than the other. (Why would I lie to you? If you weren't handsome, I would just say that you have a good personality!!!!!!) Look in the mirror again, mister... those eyes? Those curls? That little half smile? You are a good looking guy, Brandon... and don't ever let anyone make you believe otherwise... not even you. Especially not you (because, as far as I can see, you are the only one who doubts it).

One of life's great secrets is that, no matter what you do throughout your life, some people will love you and some people will hate you and most people will be somewhere in between - the trick is to figure out who you are and surround yourself with people who help you be that person. If who you are has long hair - grow it out; if that's the way you need it to be right now then let it be that way. And if you want to try short hair for a while, then show your handsome face and be proud. It is impossible to please everyone (especially in our family!) so just worry about pleasing you and trust that everything else will fall into place. Don't waste your life worrying about what you "should" do or what you "should" say or how you "should" look. What you "should" do is be at peace with who you are... and the length of your hair won't change that (although it does express it). Just look inside and figure out who you are right now and be that... and understand that you will grow and change and evolve when you are ready - not when everyone else is ready.

You are an amazing person, Brandon, and the people who care about you are aware of that... you don't have to prove it, you don't have to work at it, you are it! Remember to look for the good - listen to the people who care about you, listen to your friends, listen when people say good things about you... and try believing it for a change (just try... what do you have to lose?). This is trial and error time, this is when you get to try new things or go back to old things, this is when you learn about the world and figure out your place in it. This is mother-father-brother-sister grade 11, dude! Be who you are... just be who you are... that's how you will become who you want to be.

I think you are already pretty damned awesome... and you know I have good taste!!

Love you!! I miss you tons!
xxx

P.S. How do I add you to my Wii? Where do I find the number and how do I enter your number and what is your number and what the heck is taking you so long!! lol

P.P.S. And, one last point which I hope you already know but I will spell it out for you just in case - I am always, always, ALL WAYS here for you if you need to vent, if you need a shoulder, if you need an ear or some advice, anything. There is nothing - NOTHING - that you could ever say or do that will make me love you a tiny bit less. You are my people, Brandon (and it is not because we are family - that's just how we met), deep down inside we have a connection that will never weaken - no matter what!!

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A Poem... by me!

Food

You are with me when I'm happy
Even more so when I'm sad
You're a pat on the back when I do a good deed
My repentance when I've been bad

I sacrificed my body for you
I empowered you through spite
I pretended we had a love affair
But all we did was fight

I needed so much to trust you
That I surrendered my heart and soul
But the comfort that you gave to me
Turned into complete control

Now I am your prisoner
Chained to this self- prophesied fate
But I will conquer you one day
My strength will come from hate

Whew!

Well, I'm back. I made it. I survived. Barely! Just kidding. Overall I would have to say that it was a good trip (like I said, I sometimes turn this into a place to complain but there was lots of good times, too!). I learned a lot more about my family, my parents in particular; and I learned a lot more about myself and who I am trying to be. And I left my glasses in the stupid Toronto airport!! [I swear to god, I am standing there, in the bathroom stall, thinking, as I take the glasses off, that haha, wouldn't it be funny if I leave them here, I pee, I wipe, I zip, I wash, I leave. Next thing I know, I'm belted into my seat in the last row of the plane, watching the final passengers settle in for the long flight and I think 'hmmm... something is missing... crap'. I also threw $50 in the garbage and burnt my arm but we'll leave those stories for another day.]

Another story is that I received two notes from Lyle (he must have stuffed them in my door while I was away and my neighbor held them for me)... the first one goes a little like this:

Bev, I have come by now 5 times to talk to you face to face about what has happened to me since I last saw you in June. I had every intention of returning your DVD's, I was just looking for a time and place so I could see you, sorry about the wait. Please call me at 555-555-5555 (except he gave his actual number!) so I can at least tell you my side of the story. BELIEVE ME! You did nothing wrong, I had a lot happen to me in the middle of June, again it was about me not you, I totally did the wrong thing and did not talk to you about it. Again please forgive me Bev, if there is anything I can at least get from you hopefully is your friendship. Lyle. P.S. I miss you, you are a great person and never did anything wrong to me!!

And here's the second:

To: Bev, I have tried now 6 times to contact you, hopefully you received my letter. I have been looking everywhere for your phone number, I have lost it! Please call or email a.s.a.p. I would like to talk to you! Lyle. 555-555-5555 (this time that's the number that he wrote down... just kidding)

So I called him. Left a message that I would be out tonight but I wouldn't mind getting together tomorrow or Thursday if he wanted to talk. What's the worst that could happen? I am fine without him. I liked him but there were little red flags. And I liked him, I felt that we were looking for the same things. Did I want to find those things with him? I didn't know him long enough to figure that out but it sure seemed promising. And I will be maintaining my celibacy until after my birthday. That is a promise that I made to myself and I am going to keep that promise. I will not let myself down and then maybe I will learn to not let others down. I will parent me if no one else is willing or able to do a thorough job of it!!!

I really think that most men find it difficult to be with me at first and pull back - maybe that's why I always stayed on defense, I didn't have enough patience to let them pull back and trust that they would return. Or not, but if they didn't return I would be moved on from them anyway. Part of my dueling personalities... ever sitting on the fence - just in case.

No Wonder

Well, I am just over half way through my second week of visiting with my parents/family and all I can say is no fucking wonder. No wonder I have been so messed up for so long. I don't even know if I can express myself right now - it is lunchtime on Saturday and I have been sick since Thursday night. Cramping/some vomiting/explosive diarea. Ask me how many times they have inquired about my well being. Come on, just ask. Nonce. Seriously, not once did my mother say "how are you feeling, darling?" "Can I help you in any way?" Go fuck yourself. Nothing. She did, however, worry about herself. She did complain about something that my young foster brother, Leonard, did. She did pour herself yet another drink. She did come into my room (I am in the spare bedroom where her computer is) to get something... didn't even look at me, lying in the bed. No wonder I have spent a lifetime of feeling worthless and invisible. No wonder I am so fucking fucked up. No wonder.

All I want to do in the whole world right now is pack my bags and take a cab to the airport. And I probably would except it's Debra's birthday tomorrow, party tonight.

The fam

Visiting the family for a couple of weeks. It seems like I only come on this blog to bitch but these people are fucking driving me nuts. Is it okay that I don't like my family? But that's not true... I love them, very much... but they irritate me like nobody's business. I am near tears constantly. Pick, pick, bug, bug... can't do anything right. Ever. No wonder I grew up such a mess. I've spent the past year trying to undo the damage that they did to me and I've been here for one week and...

sigh. Story of my life... two steps forward, one step back. Except it feels more like one step forward, ten steps back. Am I being too sensitive? Can I fucking go home now and just love them from afar???????