ca-thar-sis: a release of emotional tension, as after an overwhelming experience, that restores or replenishes the spirit.


Well, it's been quite an eventful weekend. First of all, I learned how to spell catharsis which, in itself, was quite an event. And then there was the mental breakdown. Tee hee!

Friday afternoon all hell broke loose. I guess it was the work hours, exercise and lack of food and rest that finally took it's toll, I don't know, but I came home from work and cried. And cried and bawled and cried some more. Friday was a weird trip back in time now that I think of it. But I think the stepping back will help me move forward. Anyway, after the crying I just got up and got ready to go out - how very not similar to the old days when I would cancel all plans and stay in bed for a few days. I went with Julie and a bunch of her girlfriends from the lake to the bar. First of all, let me say that supper probably would have been a good idea. Ah - lessons learned and what not. I became very intoxicated, to say the least. There was a slight breakdown in the bathroom when I realized that I was sitting at a table of 8 women near my age and realized that every single one of them had been married, all but two had been divorced and at least one was divorcing for the second time. Julie said that must make me feel good because I haven't been divorced but I was more focused n the fact that no one had ever loved me enough to marry me. I was going to leave but Julie asked me to stay. The dance floor was just getting going so I stayed and became my old, life of the party self. In retrospect, I don't know where all of that confidence came from but I was dancing and chatting and flirting and dancing some more. Alcohol was coursing through my veins like nobody's business. But, of course, all good things must come to an end. Bars close, people go home. Except the good ole Bev who just keeps drinking and flirting and finds her way into someone's basement and then finds her way into someone's bed (okay, it was the tv room floor but I was going for effect here people!)

And somewhere between the pants coming off and his oohs and aahs, my eyes opened. What the fuck was I doing? Omigod, don't come in me. How could I be so stupid as to get into this with someone I don't even know?

And where the hell was Fabian?

I literally pushed the guy away from me. I got up and walked out the door, into the pouring rain, in only a sweater and sleeveless t-shirt. It took me two and a half hours to walk home. And it gave me lots of time to think... here's what I came up with.

All of those guys dancing with me and smiling at me shows that I'm not a disgusting dog face with no hope of ever finding someone to love me. So, if that's true, it's something else. Ah, yes, of course. I haven't found someone to love me because I haven't let anyone love me. I've never let someone in enough. And I'm talking boys and girls. I will talk until I'm blue in the face about something once it's over. It's during that I don't do. When have I ever had a problem and went up to someone and said "I have a problem, please help me deal with it"? With Dr. Gray I did. I was paying him money to help me deal with it and it still took him forever to pull it out of me. Even he was thinking that there's nothing wrong. My shit is basically together except for a couple of little weight issues and what not. And then one day we were just chatting and all of a sudden he said "WHAT? You stay in bed for a week? For no good reason other than you want to?" And, the rest, as they say...

But it's not history. It's not done yet. I'm happier than I ever thought I could be for more than 10 minutes. I've struggled and it's been an uphill battle all the way. And for the first time in my life I'm saying "why me" instead of "why not me". Why does every damn little thing in my life have to be a struggle? Why am I so behind everyone else? And why can't I just grasp these simple aspects of life like everyone else?

And the answer to all of these questions turned out to be depression. But now that I know it, the whole world didn't fall into place. It's been almost two years and I'm still figuring out things about myself that I just never knew.

So, yeah. I knew a while ago - years and years ago, in fact - that I didn't talk about my problems enough. Having another perspective really opened my eyes to a lot of falsities that I kept as fact. Okay, so now I talk. Why not all fixed? Because I talk after the fact. I'll talk your ears off about my problems buy only after I have resolved them myself. No one gets to see it during. Now one gets close enough. I bury my head until it goes away or I do whatever I have to do to fix it. But no one sees until after. And after is not so bad. It's helped me a lot. I guess after has brought me to this point, where I think I'm ready to let someone see the during. I think.

And I emailed Fabian. Poor, poor Fabian. It's probably too late. And if I'm absolutely honest, there's a big part of me that hopes it is too late. Then I get more time. Then I could take years and years to let someone in. Years and years and years.