Well, I said before that I figured I was over the huge life-changing epiphanies but apparently there are a few little mini ones left over... epiphs, if you will.
I was talking to Tom last night and, quite frankly, he was getting on my nerves. The man is so set in his ways and cannot see past himself. I was even thinking about it today because I never really noticed that about him... or maybe never really noticed it was odd. Maybe he's the way I was - not accepting anyone else's perspective but my own and then only after it was hammered into me. Fabian used to get a real charge out of it. Ha! It was almost entertainment to him. I can see what he was saying now. Tom and Andrew were having this huge albeit light-hearted argument during Easter about whether an Aspirin a day is beneficial or not. Perhaps I should also add that Andrew is a pharmacist and that at least 4 out of tom's 5 family members take it every day. We are not blood related but for consensus.
And then I realized - that's how people used to see me, I think. Nice and fun to be around but a bit of an ass. Holy shit... that makes perfect sense. I think I get it now. Wow. I think I get it.
Sunday, March 30, 2008
Saturday, March 29, 2008
Two things...
I have been thinking about a couple of things during the past hour... it was Earth Hour today at 8pm... I turned my lights off... did you?
The first thing is silly. It's silly and it feels silly but I guess silly is supposed to be okay now so I'll tell you all about it. On Wednesday (I think), I got an email from Ian saying that he had mail for me to pick up. I replied asking him to put it in his mail box and I'd come get it during lunch. I guess he didn't get the email in time and, when I got there, the box was empty and he wasn't home. And it was hard. My heart was racing and I was nervous and I didn't want to go there but what am I going to do? Not go to Duran Duran because I didn't want to see him? So I sent another email asking him to -
You know, I am going to stop right there. This is too silly... it's old me, not now me. I don't want to see him. I just really want to forget that he exists for a short little while until I get back into the groove of things in some solid manner. I saw him today and I was drawn to him and I don't want to be. Someday I won't be but right now I feel that avoidance is important to me moving on. [Oh, and remind me to never talk to my brother when I am stoned... he can't take it] And I had sent him an email telling him that I didn't want to see him because it was too fresh and he didn't get it obviously. Not before I got there, anyway. Part of me wonders if he has gotten it by now but it really doesn't matter.
The second thing is tied to the first... eating. I didn't eat an excessive amount of food today for how I used to eat but I did eat an excessive amount compared to what I eat now. And I ate when I didn't want to. I practically forced my self to eat when I was already full and just didn't want anything. That doesn't happen very often anymore. I think it used to be a kind of punishment for myself and a way to push people away. However, I do notice another trend. I eat when I am worked up over some man. And it's not that I expect myself to never over eat again nor do I expect to not get worked up. What I do expect is that I behave in moderation. And I expect to see it happen and stop it at that very moment every time so eventually it won't be an issue anymore. I've given up enough things to know my process. The only difference is that I won't beat myself up about it.
Okay, well, maybe I should have called this three things (too late to change the title now! lol).I have been thinking about the way I like to challenge people. I believe in them and I expect them to believe in themselves, too. But perhaps that is not the message that I am conveying. Maybe they don't want to be challenged. Maybe they think that the things that I say mean that I don't think they are good enough. I learned a lesson in first judgments of me yesterday. Rebecca told me that she didn't really like me when she first met me. That kind of surprised me because I liked her right away. She said that I came across very aggressive and set in my ways. I wonder if people are still getting me wrong.
I think that I am getting my true self across to people that I first meet now... for the most part, obviously, but people who are receptive to my smile and humor seem to get it. What can I do about the one's who don't get it other than feel sorry for them? But that's initial meetings and such... that I can do. It's long after that. When I get to know someone I always challenge them [Is that bad? Is that wrong? My ideal man is someone who feels challenged by me and who challenges me also] but maybe they don't have as much faith in themselves as I have. Like with Ian, I totally thought that he had what was needed to go upgrade his skills and get a job. I was very proud of him and tried to encourage him as much as I could. Did he feel that I was pushing him? Did he feel that I thought he wasn't good enough otherwise? [Am I over thinking things again? Most likely. But I want to learn from these things and to learn I need to explore and dissect and that's just who I am. And that's okay. lol How many times a day do I say that before it becomes second nature? As many as it takes, I guess, huh?]
Do I make people feel bad because I expect as much from them as I expect from myself? That is certainly not my intention. I see the good side of the world and of life, I just do, and I share that with people. But maybe they think that I am just preaching. I need to remember that this is my outlook, not theirs. I would like to choose Mr. Braun's path in that respect. I would like to be supportive and kind without being overbearing and obnoxious about it. I would like to offer my opinion when it is requested - and that does happen a lot - but I think that I should not push it in peoples face that they can do more. Perhaps that is where I am lacking in empathy... maybe people see the things that I say not as being empathetic with their plight but as a judgment that they are not good enough, not trying enough, not wanting it enough. Maybe they just don't want it. And maybe my telling them that I am disappointed in that isn't the best way to support someone.
I am different and I am proud of it; I want to be the best different that I can possibly be. But maybe I don't need to drag everyone else along, kicking and screaming. I will need to accept their view point. And accept that they will not always understand mine. And that's okay. lol
The first thing is silly. It's silly and it feels silly but I guess silly is supposed to be okay now so I'll tell you all about it. On Wednesday (I think), I got an email from Ian saying that he had mail for me to pick up. I replied asking him to put it in his mail box and I'd come get it during lunch. I guess he didn't get the email in time and, when I got there, the box was empty and he wasn't home. And it was hard. My heart was racing and I was nervous and I didn't want to go there but what am I going to do? Not go to Duran Duran because I didn't want to see him? So I sent another email asking him to -
You know, I am going to stop right there. This is too silly... it's old me, not now me. I don't want to see him. I just really want to forget that he exists for a short little while until I get back into the groove of things in some solid manner. I saw him today and I was drawn to him and I don't want to be. Someday I won't be but right now I feel that avoidance is important to me moving on. [Oh, and remind me to never talk to my brother when I am stoned... he can't take it] And I had sent him an email telling him that I didn't want to see him because it was too fresh and he didn't get it obviously. Not before I got there, anyway. Part of me wonders if he has gotten it by now but it really doesn't matter.
The second thing is tied to the first... eating. I didn't eat an excessive amount of food today for how I used to eat but I did eat an excessive amount compared to what I eat now. And I ate when I didn't want to. I practically forced my self to eat when I was already full and just didn't want anything. That doesn't happen very often anymore. I think it used to be a kind of punishment for myself and a way to push people away. However, I do notice another trend. I eat when I am worked up over some man. And it's not that I expect myself to never over eat again nor do I expect to not get worked up. What I do expect is that I behave in moderation. And I expect to see it happen and stop it at that very moment every time so eventually it won't be an issue anymore. I've given up enough things to know my process. The only difference is that I won't beat myself up about it.
Okay, well, maybe I should have called this three things (too late to change the title now! lol).I have been thinking about the way I like to challenge people. I believe in them and I expect them to believe in themselves, too. But perhaps that is not the message that I am conveying. Maybe they don't want to be challenged. Maybe they think that the things that I say mean that I don't think they are good enough. I learned a lesson in first judgments of me yesterday. Rebecca told me that she didn't really like me when she first met me. That kind of surprised me because I liked her right away. She said that I came across very aggressive and set in my ways. I wonder if people are still getting me wrong.
I think that I am getting my true self across to people that I first meet now... for the most part, obviously, but people who are receptive to my smile and humor seem to get it. What can I do about the one's who don't get it other than feel sorry for them? But that's initial meetings and such... that I can do. It's long after that. When I get to know someone I always challenge them [Is that bad? Is that wrong? My ideal man is someone who feels challenged by me and who challenges me also] but maybe they don't have as much faith in themselves as I have. Like with Ian, I totally thought that he had what was needed to go upgrade his skills and get a job. I was very proud of him and tried to encourage him as much as I could. Did he feel that I was pushing him? Did he feel that I thought he wasn't good enough otherwise? [Am I over thinking things again? Most likely. But I want to learn from these things and to learn I need to explore and dissect and that's just who I am. And that's okay. lol How many times a day do I say that before it becomes second nature? As many as it takes, I guess, huh?]
Do I make people feel bad because I expect as much from them as I expect from myself? That is certainly not my intention. I see the good side of the world and of life, I just do, and I share that with people. But maybe they think that I am just preaching. I need to remember that this is my outlook, not theirs. I would like to choose Mr. Braun's path in that respect. I would like to be supportive and kind without being overbearing and obnoxious about it. I would like to offer my opinion when it is requested - and that does happen a lot - but I think that I should not push it in peoples face that they can do more. Perhaps that is where I am lacking in empathy... maybe people see the things that I say not as being empathetic with their plight but as a judgment that they are not good enough, not trying enough, not wanting it enough. Maybe they just don't want it. And maybe my telling them that I am disappointed in that isn't the best way to support someone.
I am different and I am proud of it; I want to be the best different that I can possibly be. But maybe I don't need to drag everyone else along, kicking and screaming. I will need to accept their view point. And accept that they will not always understand mine. And that's okay. lol
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Last Day
Well. Today was my last day as an employee of LUC. As I was making my pay cheque I was telling Saroja (the woman the temp agency sent to cover my desk) the terms of my employment with Joe, my compensation if you will. And I'm thinkin'... holy fuck! It's true. I believe it. Maybe I forget what it was like to have no money, perhaps I am romanticizing the whole situation but I'm, like, I don't care about money. I don't. I mean I do, obviously. I want nice things, I want a roof over my head but I am no longer prepared to bust my ass in a job that I hate going to every day. I want more. There was a time when I really loved my job but I don't anymore. There was something that I liked about being a bookkeeper - and then I realized that a really good idea would be to sit down and make note of all of the things that I have liked about my past jobs and see where it leads me. Such as: in the bank I loved, loved, loved the customers but HATED the bureaucracy. I'll get deeper into that another time... I just wanted make a note to remind myself.
So let's talk about Ian then. I never really did get into that whole story. It ended the same day that I quit my job. Damn that was a big day. Anyway, I had spent a lot of time with and talking to Ian when he was in the hospital. I stayed at his house and slept in his bed and got attached to Daisy all over again... I was feeling the feelings again and feeling them as someone who loved a man enough to take another shot at it. I know deep down I had my doubts and those doubts are what get me through the night right now, I know I had moved past him. He had had his place in the development of my world and I knew it was probably done but I wanted - needed - to check one more time, just in case. There was so many things that I loved about him. God, I had so much fun with him. I once thought that my inside was like his outside and his inside was like my outside. That's deep, that's love.
Anyway! To make a short story long (as I tend to do), I called him one day to see how he was doing. He told me that if I wanted to walk Daisy, the leash was there. And I guess I took that as a way for him to say that he wanted to see me. And Obviously I wanted to take Daisy for a walk so I hopped and skipped my way down to his house. He was lying down when I got there and Daisy and I had a nice walk. I love that dog. When we were walking home I was thinking that I would start the fire for him and leave if he was still in bed when we got there. But he was starting the fire. I sat down because he had pulled out the flyers for me (how could that not mean that he will love me forever?) and we were chatting and joking around. His cell phone rang, he got up and walked over to it, did not pick it up, came back to the couch and said "That was Linda". I said "Is Linda your girlfriend again?" Hardy har har. [Fuck, second time I got caught in that - when we were 16 Dave Parmiter said "I don't want to go out with you anymore" and I laughed and said "Ya, I don't want to go out with you either." Hardy har har.] Ian said "Yes." I said "She's your girlfriend?" "Yes." "You're serious. You are going out with Linda." "Yes." "You... but... you... sigh." I got up off of the couch, went in and waved to Daisy, laid his key on the counter, pulled on my jacket and said "See ya." He asked if I would still walk her. "Of course." I said. Of course.
On the way home I thought - you know what, I'm not going to be that girl again. I'm not going to be the supportive ex-girlfriend who holds on to the dogs, who goes to the Keg for meals with my ex and his new girlfriend, I'm not going to be the one who sleeps on their couch while they are away with their new dog. I'm not going to lose my dog bit by bit, in scent, in looks, in behaviour. No, I will not do it - it was too hard and it hurt too much and I was a fool (or an idiot) to do those things the first time. I will not do them again. So I sent him an email. Very nicely worded. Only one or two FUCK YOU YOU MOTHER FUCKING ASSHOLE!!!! Perhaps three.
Just kidding. This is what I wrote - it's got bite: "Actually, no... as much as I love Daisy, I think that your girlfriend should be the one that walks her for you. And it's finally time for me to let go of both of you. I have to say, I'm a little bit surprised. You were trying to get me into bed with you two days before your surgery and, here you are, back with the one who totally fucked you over two years ago. Or perhaps I shouldn't be surprised... you fucked me over in January so I guess you guys are perfect for each other. I only hope that the going doesn't get tough again... if I recall, that was when Linda got going the last time. Best of luck." I'm kind of proud of it. Oh I know but I needed to be a bitch. I needed to. I had to stand up for myself. And I was hurt. I was hurt. And I meant it.
The man is a super duper idiot mother fucking butt head. Seriously, who would go back with the woman who basically left him on his death bed before his kidney transplant. She started fucking her boss and left Ian to tend to her children. But, you know what? Maybe that's what he wants, maybe he realized that that's what he needs. And I do hope it works out for him, I do. I just don't want to be a part of it. That's okay. I'm not here to save anybody. Just me.
The funny thing is that I didn't want to get back with him, anyway. I wanted to explore the idea. I figured he wouldn't be dating right after his surgery and I didn't want to date anyone else anyway so I figured we would have time to see. I know he's not the one for me. I know that this weight is dropping off along with the crippling mental anguish (and don't think for a moment that I am exaggerating) and I will get someone who is what I am looking for. Ian and I had fun but we were not well suited for a long term relationship. And if he did want to try again last winter, that doesn't mean that he was able - or would ever be able - to get over the fact that I left him.
And leave him I did. I know I was running away. I know I was just taking myself down that road again. I needed one last time to see what I was doing. Just one more time to make me see. And I saw. It worked, it was worth it. It played out it's chapter in the life of me and it's time now to start the next chapter. And isn't it fun to have a page turner life again? The old "nobody loves me" stuff was getting stale - let's see some more action, some drama, some maturity and self awareness. Ah, finally. Ah, finally.
It hit me today. I am that person now. The epiphanies are pretty much gone and I am at peace. Now I get to be this person instead of that nut job. I get to be me.
So let's talk about Ian then. I never really did get into that whole story. It ended the same day that I quit my job. Damn that was a big day. Anyway, I had spent a lot of time with and talking to Ian when he was in the hospital. I stayed at his house and slept in his bed and got attached to Daisy all over again... I was feeling the feelings again and feeling them as someone who loved a man enough to take another shot at it. I know deep down I had my doubts and those doubts are what get me through the night right now, I know I had moved past him. He had had his place in the development of my world and I knew it was probably done but I wanted - needed - to check one more time, just in case. There was so many things that I loved about him. God, I had so much fun with him. I once thought that my inside was like his outside and his inside was like my outside. That's deep, that's love.
Anyway! To make a short story long (as I tend to do), I called him one day to see how he was doing. He told me that if I wanted to walk Daisy, the leash was there. And I guess I took that as a way for him to say that he wanted to see me. And Obviously I wanted to take Daisy for a walk so I hopped and skipped my way down to his house. He was lying down when I got there and Daisy and I had a nice walk. I love that dog. When we were walking home I was thinking that I would start the fire for him and leave if he was still in bed when we got there. But he was starting the fire. I sat down because he had pulled out the flyers for me (how could that not mean that he will love me forever?) and we were chatting and joking around. His cell phone rang, he got up and walked over to it, did not pick it up, came back to the couch and said "That was Linda". I said "Is Linda your girlfriend again?" Hardy har har. [Fuck, second time I got caught in that - when we were 16 Dave Parmiter said "I don't want to go out with you anymore" and I laughed and said "Ya, I don't want to go out with you either." Hardy har har.] Ian said "Yes." I said "She's your girlfriend?" "Yes." "You're serious. You are going out with Linda." "Yes." "You... but... you... sigh." I got up off of the couch, went in and waved to Daisy, laid his key on the counter, pulled on my jacket and said "See ya." He asked if I would still walk her. "Of course." I said. Of course.
On the way home I thought - you know what, I'm not going to be that girl again. I'm not going to be the supportive ex-girlfriend who holds on to the dogs, who goes to the Keg for meals with my ex and his new girlfriend, I'm not going to be the one who sleeps on their couch while they are away with their new dog. I'm not going to lose my dog bit by bit, in scent, in looks, in behaviour. No, I will not do it - it was too hard and it hurt too much and I was a fool (or an idiot) to do those things the first time. I will not do them again. So I sent him an email. Very nicely worded. Only one or two FUCK YOU YOU MOTHER FUCKING ASSHOLE!!!! Perhaps three.
Just kidding. This is what I wrote - it's got bite: "Actually, no... as much as I love Daisy, I think that your girlfriend should be the one that walks her for you. And it's finally time for me to let go of both of you. I have to say, I'm a little bit surprised. You were trying to get me into bed with you two days before your surgery and, here you are, back with the one who totally fucked you over two years ago. Or perhaps I shouldn't be surprised... you fucked me over in January so I guess you guys are perfect for each other. I only hope that the going doesn't get tough again... if I recall, that was when Linda got going the last time. Best of luck." I'm kind of proud of it. Oh I know but I needed to be a bitch. I needed to. I had to stand up for myself. And I was hurt. I was hurt. And I meant it.
The man is a super duper idiot mother fucking butt head. Seriously, who would go back with the woman who basically left him on his death bed before his kidney transplant. She started fucking her boss and left Ian to tend to her children. But, you know what? Maybe that's what he wants, maybe he realized that that's what he needs. And I do hope it works out for him, I do. I just don't want to be a part of it. That's okay. I'm not here to save anybody. Just me.
The funny thing is that I didn't want to get back with him, anyway. I wanted to explore the idea. I figured he wouldn't be dating right after his surgery and I didn't want to date anyone else anyway so I figured we would have time to see. I know he's not the one for me. I know that this weight is dropping off along with the crippling mental anguish (and don't think for a moment that I am exaggerating) and I will get someone who is what I am looking for. Ian and I had fun but we were not well suited for a long term relationship. And if he did want to try again last winter, that doesn't mean that he was able - or would ever be able - to get over the fact that I left him.
And leave him I did. I know I was running away. I know I was just taking myself down that road again. I needed one last time to see what I was doing. Just one more time to make me see. And I saw. It worked, it was worth it. It played out it's chapter in the life of me and it's time now to start the next chapter. And isn't it fun to have a page turner life again? The old "nobody loves me" stuff was getting stale - let's see some more action, some drama, some maturity and self awareness. Ah, finally. Ah, finally.
It hit me today. I am that person now. The epiphanies are pretty much gone and I am at peace. Now I get to be this person instead of that nut job. I get to be me.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
What is it?
So? What is it? What's different? I go around and say before I was like this, and I used to be like that, I'm free, etc, etc, etc. But what's different? And don't get me wrong, I am free. Without a doubt... I can handle anything... I can even handle being me... the good and the bad... showing my feelings... risking hurt and loving life.
For instance, Ken wanted to kiss me last night. He was shy and he was drunk and he wanted a good night kiss... and most likely more. And I gave him my cheek. Before, I probably would have felt awkward and not done anything - most likely ignore him - or, going back even further, I would have gotten drunk with him and fucked him - lying on my back, eyes wide open, moaning at all the right times and just waiting for it to be over. Not really something to brag about either way, huh? I am now the girl who gives him her cheek. And smiles and says goodnight. And means it! Before I would have avoided him completely after that, whether it turned out that we had sex or not, I would have been nervous and absolutely convinced that I was a bad person and that I totally understand why he doesn't like me at all anymore. How could he, right? Why would he? Wow. And that taught me nothing but to hate myself more. Oh, wait! Get this... I also did it with girls. To a lesser degree because I think we share our feelings more but I did. If I didn't hear from them it meant that they didn't want to hear from me. If there was a cross word or a disagreement it was over. I'm walkin' away. How easily I accepted that no one liked me when I was the one who really didn't like me. Fuck them anyway, right? Who needs 'em? Ha!
So, what is different, you ask? For one thing, I want to be me. I want to be the person that I always suppressed. I want to be the girl that holds out her cheek, be the girl that people want to talk to, see myself through their eyes and realize that I am good. I want people to enjoy being around me. I want to enjoy being around them again. I wonder if I ever really did enjoy being around people. Well, of course I did but while I was with them I always made up my own version of what was happening between the lines. And I think that I would spend most of my time not only talking about myself but telling people how wonderful I was. The funny thing is that I think most people thought I was wonderful and me trying to sell myself only made them think less of me. But, here I am again, making up my own version of the truth that might be absolutely right or absolutely wrong. At the same time, I do have to go with my instincts. I know that some people got frustrated with me. And some people didn't. And some people thought that I was the best thing since sliced bread... the whole wheat kind. What is different is --- that's okay. All of those reactions are just fine because I cannot control another person's opinion of me. And, if I can't control other people's opinion, then why not let out some of the things that I was always afraid would be a turn off. Why not be me... the most authentic version of myself that I can be. If, no matter what I do, some people will like me and some people won't and some people won't care one way or the other, then why the hell not just be me?
You know that day that I wrote about letting myself off the hook was a breakthrough day. I had no idea - no idea - that I was constantly badgering myself like I was. Nothing I did was ever good enough for me. I let everyone else get away with everything and let me get a way with nothing. I wasn't fast enough, I was in the way, I was overstaying my welcome, I did that wrong, I laughed too loud, I hugged too long. Hmm. I was going to say that I was pretty confident that my job wasn't affected by this but that would be incorrect. My job was the same as my life: I tried and tried and tried to please everyone by being everything but I kept failing. And when I would fail, I would give up on myself so quickly. Why bother? I'm shit. And then do absolutely nothing... trying to prove what I had already decided was true.
I love my father immensely. I would never say anything bad about him or about the way he and my mother raised me. They drew on their own experience of how to raise children and they did their best. But I still hear my father telling me to move, telling me that I wasn't good enough, I wasn't fast enough, I wasn't smart enough, get out of the way. Let's just say it in a teasing manner, then you can get away with pretty much anything. And, no matter what, do not show your feelings. Really good feelings or really bad feelings. Shhhhh. No one needs to know. I know he would never ever have behaved that way if he knew that it would affect me the way it did but he was probably treated that way and much worse. I remember treating Debra that way when she was young. It didn't mean that I didn't love her but I sure pushed her around sometimes. And maybe the only difference between me and Dad is that I realized I was doing it and he didn't. (I am fairly confident that he never thought that he was good enough, either.) I never realized I was doing it to myself.
Now I make a decision and accept it. I don't keep changing my mind, never sure if I am doing the right thing, going over and over and over it. And if I gave in and acted in a way that was not up to my standards, look out. Or, a little less dramatic but always constant, I would go over and over and over something trying to find the answer. I would be almost there and I would doubt myself and start it all over again. Now my mind is quiet. Now I determine the answer and let the rest go. Don't get me wrong, I am an analytical person and I will most likely always look at every possible answer and not commit myself to something that I am not comfortable with. However, if I don't find the answer instantly, I let it go and wait for the answer to come to me. And I don't beat myself up about it. I am good enough. I'm the girl who puts out her cheek.
For instance, Ken wanted to kiss me last night. He was shy and he was drunk and he wanted a good night kiss... and most likely more. And I gave him my cheek. Before, I probably would have felt awkward and not done anything - most likely ignore him - or, going back even further, I would have gotten drunk with him and fucked him - lying on my back, eyes wide open, moaning at all the right times and just waiting for it to be over. Not really something to brag about either way, huh? I am now the girl who gives him her cheek. And smiles and says goodnight. And means it! Before I would have avoided him completely after that, whether it turned out that we had sex or not, I would have been nervous and absolutely convinced that I was a bad person and that I totally understand why he doesn't like me at all anymore. How could he, right? Why would he? Wow. And that taught me nothing but to hate myself more. Oh, wait! Get this... I also did it with girls. To a lesser degree because I think we share our feelings more but I did. If I didn't hear from them it meant that they didn't want to hear from me. If there was a cross word or a disagreement it was over. I'm walkin' away. How easily I accepted that no one liked me when I was the one who really didn't like me. Fuck them anyway, right? Who needs 'em? Ha!
So, what is different, you ask? For one thing, I want to be me. I want to be the person that I always suppressed. I want to be the girl that holds out her cheek, be the girl that people want to talk to, see myself through their eyes and realize that I am good. I want people to enjoy being around me. I want to enjoy being around them again. I wonder if I ever really did enjoy being around people. Well, of course I did but while I was with them I always made up my own version of what was happening between the lines. And I think that I would spend most of my time not only talking about myself but telling people how wonderful I was. The funny thing is that I think most people thought I was wonderful and me trying to sell myself only made them think less of me. But, here I am again, making up my own version of the truth that might be absolutely right or absolutely wrong. At the same time, I do have to go with my instincts. I know that some people got frustrated with me. And some people didn't. And some people thought that I was the best thing since sliced bread... the whole wheat kind. What is different is --- that's okay. All of those reactions are just fine because I cannot control another person's opinion of me. And, if I can't control other people's opinion, then why not let out some of the things that I was always afraid would be a turn off. Why not be me... the most authentic version of myself that I can be. If, no matter what I do, some people will like me and some people won't and some people won't care one way or the other, then why the hell not just be me?
You know that day that I wrote about letting myself off the hook was a breakthrough day. I had no idea - no idea - that I was constantly badgering myself like I was. Nothing I did was ever good enough for me. I let everyone else get away with everything and let me get a way with nothing. I wasn't fast enough, I was in the way, I was overstaying my welcome, I did that wrong, I laughed too loud, I hugged too long. Hmm. I was going to say that I was pretty confident that my job wasn't affected by this but that would be incorrect. My job was the same as my life: I tried and tried and tried to please everyone by being everything but I kept failing. And when I would fail, I would give up on myself so quickly. Why bother? I'm shit. And then do absolutely nothing... trying to prove what I had already decided was true.
I love my father immensely. I would never say anything bad about him or about the way he and my mother raised me. They drew on their own experience of how to raise children and they did their best. But I still hear my father telling me to move, telling me that I wasn't good enough, I wasn't fast enough, I wasn't smart enough, get out of the way. Let's just say it in a teasing manner, then you can get away with pretty much anything. And, no matter what, do not show your feelings. Really good feelings or really bad feelings. Shhhhh. No one needs to know. I know he would never ever have behaved that way if he knew that it would affect me the way it did but he was probably treated that way and much worse. I remember treating Debra that way when she was young. It didn't mean that I didn't love her but I sure pushed her around sometimes. And maybe the only difference between me and Dad is that I realized I was doing it and he didn't. (I am fairly confident that he never thought that he was good enough, either.) I never realized I was doing it to myself.
Now I make a decision and accept it. I don't keep changing my mind, never sure if I am doing the right thing, going over and over and over it. And if I gave in and acted in a way that was not up to my standards, look out. Or, a little less dramatic but always constant, I would go over and over and over something trying to find the answer. I would be almost there and I would doubt myself and start it all over again. Now my mind is quiet. Now I determine the answer and let the rest go. Don't get me wrong, I am an analytical person and I will most likely always look at every possible answer and not commit myself to something that I am not comfortable with. However, if I don't find the answer instantly, I let it go and wait for the answer to come to me. And I don't beat myself up about it. I am good enough. I'm the girl who puts out her cheek.
I'm Okay
I spent the night dreaming about Ian last night. I don't remember the dreams but I know he was in them. I'm pretty sure it was something about him realizing what a big mistake he has made and asking for me back... and I said no. I don't want to be with someone that would be with someone that did the things that she did to him. I hope it works out, I hope he is happy and, deep deep down in places that I don't normally venture, a part of me hopes that she fucks him over but good.
I guess it's a bit much to ask to be totally over him in a week... and, honestly, I wouldn't want to be over him that fast. What would that say about my ability to love if I could turn it off like that? I used to think that I could turn it on and off but I know now that all I did was bury it/avoid it/deny it... and then my hair started falling out and I would throw up on a near daily basis. I am so glad that is over. I'll take a little pain right now - I'm learning, I'm learning.
I went on a date last night but, to be fair, I didn't really know it was a date. Ken called me up and asked me out... we went to the Keg. It was very good, I ate way too much, he drank way too much. Poor guy. He was so nervous and a wee bit clutzy... kinda told me that he loved me a couple of times and gushed a little about how wonderful I am (which I totally agree! LOL). He said it was his first real date since his wife left him 20 years ago. That must be an exageration but, still, I know it has been a long time for him. I worked with the guy for more than a year so I knew about most of what he told me already. Of course the alcohol loosened the lips a bit, as it tends to do. Ken is a great guy and I really like him but not in that way. Firstly and very most importantly, he is a boozer and periodically likes his drugs. Above and beyond anything else, I would never consider being with someone like that again.
I want someone that has his shit together, who is active and likes to do stuff, who has lots of friends and family that love him. I don't have to save the world anymore.
The unexpected side effects of straightening out my brain are vast and exciting. I am me. I don't constantly feel like people don't like me, I don't watch for signs that they would rather be somewhere else, I don't swing from ray-of-sunshine to mental case from moment to moment. I'm ready. I finally found the key that I have been looking for since I was a teenager. Thank you god, if you are out there anywhere!
I guess it's a bit much to ask to be totally over him in a week... and, honestly, I wouldn't want to be over him that fast. What would that say about my ability to love if I could turn it off like that? I used to think that I could turn it on and off but I know now that all I did was bury it/avoid it/deny it... and then my hair started falling out and I would throw up on a near daily basis. I am so glad that is over. I'll take a little pain right now - I'm learning, I'm learning.
I went on a date last night but, to be fair, I didn't really know it was a date. Ken called me up and asked me out... we went to the Keg. It was very good, I ate way too much, he drank way too much. Poor guy. He was so nervous and a wee bit clutzy... kinda told me that he loved me a couple of times and gushed a little about how wonderful I am (which I totally agree! LOL). He said it was his first real date since his wife left him 20 years ago. That must be an exageration but, still, I know it has been a long time for him. I worked with the guy for more than a year so I knew about most of what he told me already. Of course the alcohol loosened the lips a bit, as it tends to do. Ken is a great guy and I really like him but not in that way. Firstly and very most importantly, he is a boozer and periodically likes his drugs. Above and beyond anything else, I would never consider being with someone like that again.
I want someone that has his shit together, who is active and likes to do stuff, who has lots of friends and family that love him. I don't have to save the world anymore.
The unexpected side effects of straightening out my brain are vast and exciting. I am me. I don't constantly feel like people don't like me, I don't watch for signs that they would rather be somewhere else, I don't swing from ray-of-sunshine to mental case from moment to moment. I'm ready. I finally found the key that I have been looking for since I was a teenager. Thank you god, if you are out there anywhere!
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Horoscope
I know - I hate it when I do this, too... but it's crazy! Seriously, I laughed out loud when I read this... it's beyond true!
Scorpio
October 23 - November 21
Don't let your fear or anger overtake you today, dear Scorpio. You are going to be pushed very strongly to the forefront and you may even be forced to make some big decisions regarding the direction your professional life is going. You may have been feeling that it is a little premature to take action, but frankly, you no longer have any choice. Whether you know it or not, you are ready!
Scorpio
October 23 - November 21
Don't let your fear or anger overtake you today, dear Scorpio. You are going to be pushed very strongly to the forefront and you may even be forced to make some big decisions regarding the direction your professional life is going. You may have been feeling that it is a little premature to take action, but frankly, you no longer have any choice. Whether you know it or not, you are ready!
The Light at the End of the Tunnel...
... is a little dim at this very moment. I am back at my desk as I took two days off after the big deed. I am still by my self but any moment Jacquie will arrive and then Joe and Debbie and the phone will start to ring and I will have to do some work. The end. God, that light at the end of the tunnel is beautiful. But the next two weeks are gonna S-U-C-K, dude!
I have a nice long story about the final chapter of the Ian saga but I'm really not in the mood right now. Let's just say - he's an idiot and I'm awesome! ;-)
I have a nice long story about the final chapter of the Ian saga but I'm really not in the mood right now. Let's just say - he's an idiot and I'm awesome! ;-)
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Can you say FREEDOM??
Well, I did it! I quit my job! So excited... little teeny bit freaked but soooo excited! Anything could happen now!! I have to work my notice to the end of March and then I am taking April OFF! At least April! I have enough money to get me through 5-6 months no problem so when I go back will depend on how bored I get, what opportunities come up and how fast I blow through my cash. K... too excited to write... must - do - something - like - get - used - to -doing - NOTHING!!!! Yay me!
Monday, March 10, 2008
Horoscope
For you, dear Scorpio, love is like an adventure, a crazy sport, or some sort of video arcade game. Lately you may have been too caught up in the fantasy aspect of it without really taking into account the practical nature and the nitty-gritty of what it takes to keep a relationship afloat. You may need to take a more realistic perspective on it all at this time, be more sensitive to your own emotions, and honor them accordingly.
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Too true. But perhaps I am way beyond sensitive to my emotions and not sensitive enough to his.
**3/29/08** OR... perhaps I am way beyond sensitive to what I decide are his feelings but never actually ask what they truly are and I need to accept that I have feelings and sometimes they will be good and sometimes they will be bad but they are always okay.
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Too true. But perhaps I am way beyond sensitive to my emotions and not sensitive enough to his.
**3/29/08** OR... perhaps I am way beyond sensitive to what I decide are his feelings but never actually ask what they truly are and I need to accept that I have feelings and sometimes they will be good and sometimes they will be bad but they are always okay.
Thursday, March 6, 2008
Nuthin'
Ya, I got nothin' to say. Mental stability is all fine and dandy but it sure makes for a boring read! Mom left yesterday - but first we went to Ian's for the big meet. It went well, of course. Now the future is a great big ? but I kinda like it that way. This fence suits me just fine for right now. It could go either way and I would be happy with it going either way; in the mean time, I got shit to do! And I plan to have lots of fun doing it.
Monday, March 3, 2008
Cycle City
I went for a drive on the way to the bank and I was driving all over the place wondering if I was going to be able to get up the gumption to go into the bank and be friendly, all sad and boo hooing, thinking I might as well rule out men forever. And then I thought about how it was the beginning of the month last month when I got all weird, too, and he wasn't even in the picture and how I realized all that cycle stuff and POOF. Every thing was okay. Let it go. No problem. Fuckin' brain.
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I sent him an email at 10:30am saying that Mom wants to meet him while she is in town. No reply. And then I think "well, fuck him... obviously he doesn't want me at all so why am I wasting my time even thinking about this?" and then I remembered that the last time I thought he was ignoring me and trying to give me the message that he wasn't interested - turned out he was in hospital getting a new pancreas. Hmmmmmm.
I like not having any males in my life whatsoever. None. Boys suck. Life is better [read: easier] without them.
I like not having any males in my life whatsoever. None. Boys suck. Life is better [read: easier] without them.
Repeat
Maybe I should just copy and paste an old entry here...nothing really changes, does it? I just repeat, repeat, repeat... do I learn anything? Apparently not. Or very little. Or maybe it's just Monday.
I keep telling myself that I'm not going to make any decisions right now, I'm not going to worry about it, I'm not going to think about it. We will be friends and see if anything happens; and maybe I don't even want anything to happen. Then I talk to him for 5 minutes on the phone and he's not totally excited to talk to me and I think that he doesn't like me and probably was there when I called but didn't want to answer and felt obligated to call me back but didn't want to (afterthought: I don't, however, think that maybe he just had major fucking surgery and is in a lot of pain and is probably tired because he has company and most likely isn't getting as much rest as he would otherwise; I don't think that he has been working his butt off to be brave for everyone else but feels that he can relax and be honest with me. Why is it so hard for me to believe that someone might actually like me? And why do I always have to determine the outcome of the whole relationship before anyone else gets a chance to have some input? Why can't I just let it go? Wait and see, Bevie, wait and see).
And then I think of all of the things that I didn't like when we were together - all of those little, insignificant things that don't seem to matter at all when things are going good - and I want to call off the whole thing. Not that there is anything to call off. But this is when the cold shoulder stuff usually starts. I don't want to call him and I don't want to see him.
Christ, I'm fucked up. I know, I think the shit out of everything. Doesn't everyone? Honestly, doesn't everyone think through their feelings and try to figure out the other person's feelings and head for the hills the very second that the guy isn't everything you ever wanted him to be and oh so much more. Well, I guess that little bit of sarcasm answered that question. Hang on, I'm learning, I'm learning. Two steps forward and one step back is still progress.
I keep telling myself that I'm not going to make any decisions right now, I'm not going to worry about it, I'm not going to think about it. We will be friends and see if anything happens; and maybe I don't even want anything to happen. Then I talk to him for 5 minutes on the phone and he's not totally excited to talk to me and I think that he doesn't like me and probably was there when I called but didn't want to answer and felt obligated to call me back but didn't want to (afterthought: I don't, however, think that maybe he just had major fucking surgery and is in a lot of pain and is probably tired because he has company and most likely isn't getting as much rest as he would otherwise; I don't think that he has been working his butt off to be brave for everyone else but feels that he can relax and be honest with me. Why is it so hard for me to believe that someone might actually like me? And why do I always have to determine the outcome of the whole relationship before anyone else gets a chance to have some input? Why can't I just let it go? Wait and see, Bevie, wait and see).
And then I think of all of the things that I didn't like when we were together - all of those little, insignificant things that don't seem to matter at all when things are going good - and I want to call off the whole thing. Not that there is anything to call off. But this is when the cold shoulder stuff usually starts. I don't want to call him and I don't want to see him.
Christ, I'm fucked up. I know, I think the shit out of everything. Doesn't everyone? Honestly, doesn't everyone think through their feelings and try to figure out the other person's feelings and head for the hills the very second that the guy isn't everything you ever wanted him to be and oh so much more. Well, I guess that little bit of sarcasm answered that question. Hang on, I'm learning, I'm learning. Two steps forward and one step back is still progress.
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