And so the drama continues... it's Tuesday and Ian and Daisy have been at the lake since last Wednesday. I've had a nice week alone. Had lots of time to think. Had lots of time to switch my opinion/plans/desires back and forth and forth and back. I'm still not fur-shur. Yesterday I was totally going, the day before thinking maybe not, the day before that I couldn't wait, the day before that I turned into a puddle of my own tears. I am me today though. I just can't take this yo-yo that I have been living for the past year or so. I will sacrafice everything/anything to get my head screwed on right again. What I'm trying to figure out is... what is sacraficing and what is throwing it all away for no good reason? And how do I figure out the difference?
I know that I can be happy without him... the big question is - can I be happy with him?
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
My Horoscope - July 25, 2007
Scorpio
October 23 - November 21
Remember that it is OK to change your opinion, dear Scorpio. You may pride yourself on being the solid one who always has an answer, or knows exactly where to go. You may look upon others as flaky, indecisive, or fickle. It is important that you don't shut down your thinking process after having made a decision about something. Keep your mind open to the changes that occur around you - and maybe you yourself will have a change of heart.
*Ian and I had sex last night... he told his mother that nothing was changing except that I was moving back to my place.
October 23 - November 21
Remember that it is OK to change your opinion, dear Scorpio. You may pride yourself on being the solid one who always has an answer, or knows exactly where to go. You may look upon others as flaky, indecisive, or fickle. It is important that you don't shut down your thinking process after having made a decision about something. Keep your mind open to the changes that occur around you - and maybe you yourself will have a change of heart.
*Ian and I had sex last night... he told his mother that nothing was changing except that I was moving back to my place.
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
Fuck.
With all of those nice platitudes that I've been saying, you would think that I would believe them. "This, too, shall pass" blah, blah, blah. I know it will pass... but I have to get through it first. I feel tired, drained, exhausted... I feel like I don't have a home and all I want in this whole world right now is to have a home... somewhere that I can go to and be alone. I just can't deal with this the way I deal with things with everyone watching me... waiting to see the weakness. I want to cry and to sleep and to scream and to get on with my life but I have to smile and be strong and be brave and make it seem like everything is okay. And it will be okay... but it's not okay right now. This is the problem with having close friends and having people around all the time... they want to see your feelings and they want to help but they don't get that letting it all out in front of someone doesn't help at all. Fuck.
Monday, July 23, 2007
Done
Well, the deed has finally been done. I didn't tell him after on Thursday... I was so tired and we were having a somewhat nice evening so I just didn't. Friday he was fumbling with his blood all night so I didn't tell him then, either. On Saturday, I got up and ready to go to Stacey's... I even left the house... then I turned around and went back in and told him that we needed to talk. He was extrememly good about it. I'm glad that I took the time that I did to get everything straightened out in my head so that I was able to tell him exactly what was going on. I told him that I wanted to live alone and that he did nothing wrong. I told him that if it was something that we could work on, I would work at it but this is basic personality conflicts that cannot be resolved. We are not right for each other and that is the bottom line. I cried a bit; he did not. He said "That's fine, honey". He attempted to argue with me in the beginning but, everything that he said was wrong with me I just agreed with him. Because it's true - I don't want to tell him everything, I don't want to accept his help, I don't want to be nice and spend all of my time with him.
How do I feel about it all? Good, over all. I was relieved on Saturday, so relieved to have finally said it. And all night I kept thinking of all of these silly things that I can do again... I can have Kraft dinner! I can go to bed early or late. I can get up early or late. No one will tell me what to eat and when. No one will buy my groceries for me and then get mad at me for not eating things that I don't want. I can have mushrooms! I can decorate and have everything exactly the way that I want it all the time. I don't have to compromise, I don't have to share, I don't have to worry about anyone but me! Wow... I am one selfish asshole! But at least I can admit it! And it's not like I want to subject anyone else to it. It really is all about me.
How do I feel about it all? Good, over all. I was relieved on Saturday, so relieved to have finally said it. And all night I kept thinking of all of these silly things that I can do again... I can have Kraft dinner! I can go to bed early or late. I can get up early or late. No one will tell me what to eat and when. No one will buy my groceries for me and then get mad at me for not eating things that I don't want. I can have mushrooms! I can decorate and have everything exactly the way that I want it all the time. I don't have to compromise, I don't have to share, I don't have to worry about anyone but me! Wow... I am one selfish asshole! But at least I can admit it! And it's not like I want to subject anyone else to it. It really is all about me.
Thursday, July 19, 2007
Freakin' Out!
Okay... I'm freaking out a little bit. I haven't slept properly in three weeks (except that couple of days at Debra's), I constantly feel like I want to toss my cookies and I can't stop my leg from bouncing under my desk all day long. I'm exhausted. And sad. And excited.
I had a major brain wave the other day and called my tenants. I offered them money if they can be out of my place by August 1. And they are going for it. So, it looks like this is really going to happen.
I have been playing some serious avoidance games for the past few weeks... always with a reason to not be home or around Ian in some way. But tonight I have to tell him. Oh, I dread his response. This evil, selfish part of me hopes that he will just shut down and not beg me to keep working on it.
Luckily there is a light at the end of the tunnel now... and it's looking pretty fine!
I had a major brain wave the other day and called my tenants. I offered them money if they can be out of my place by August 1. And they are going for it. So, it looks like this is really going to happen.
I have been playing some serious avoidance games for the past few weeks... always with a reason to not be home or around Ian in some way. But tonight I have to tell him. Oh, I dread his response. This evil, selfish part of me hopes that he will just shut down and not beg me to keep working on it.
Luckily there is a light at the end of the tunnel now... and it's looking pretty fine!
Thursday, July 12, 2007
I don't know
With all of this toe tapping and heart racing inablity to concentrate, I am looking for something to take my mind off the goings on in my life. I just want to have the answer absolute and never look back... no matter what the answer is. I spent hours with Stacey last night looking over condo listings... there's a lot of nice places out there. No word back from the mortgage people yet.
But more importantly... Ian was acting as if he was a normal person this morning and made me all confused again. Ma faka! Would things be better if he stayed sober? Would it make a difference? I don't think that he would irritate me as much. (I'm trying to remember what it was like back then... I can't believe it's only a year ago and I barely have a recollection of it now. Pot. Pot. Pot.) But is that enough?
Let's look at this logically and see if it helps at all! What do I not like? What do I like? But I don't really believe in making a list and seeing which side is bigger. The leave list might be way longer than the stay list but what if the stay list has the priorities and the other is superficial? Or the other way around, obviously. All I know at this moment is that when I was at home with him this morning I felt drawn to him and wondered if I was making a hasty decision. But as soon as I was away from him, I wondered if the hasty part was this morning and the other was better. I am always the one leaving... I wish someone would leave me for a change. That's a pretty sad statement, though.
Okay, what do I like about living alone? I like the freedom. I like being able to do whatever I want, whenever I want and not worry about anyone else's feelings. Was I lonely when I lived alone? Sure, sometimes but not for the most part, I don't think. What else? It's the control... it all comes back to being in control... doing what I want and not having to worry about someone else. That's so shallow! But I don't want guilt. I don't want to feel bad for doing the things that I want to do. I want it like that Patricia chick said... two people with their own separate lives coming together. Can I live with someone and have that? Can I ever get that from Ian? And I also have been thinking about Paul for a bit... he was a nice person, too. (why do nice guys like a bitch like me??) Nice guys are just irritating. Fuck. Fight for yourself already. Say what you want to say, be what you want to be... I don't want to wipe my feet on you... I just want to be.
It's the pressure, it's getting talked into something that I'm not comfortable with... like the way I left the shopping centre or the way that I... I don't know... it's the going along with something... okay... okay... then - NO. I don't want to share everything. I don't want to be everything to anyone and I don't anyone to be that for me, either. I just don't. I don't know why. Maybe it's fear of giving someone ammunition... no, back to that again... it's loss of control. I want that control. I need the control. Wow, my concept of what I want has changed a lot! I used to think that a man could change my world, make everything good and happy. I guess it was the realization that that could never happen.
So, why do I need the control? What will happen if I don't have control? Blah, blah, shrink bullshit! I just don't want to have anyone tell me what to do, I don't want anyone to say that I "should" do this or that. Yes, please, offer your advice. But let me decide if I want to take it or not. Why can't that be okay? Maybe it's just not okay with Ian and it would be with someone else. Maybe I can't find that with anyone... does that mean that I should stay? Because otherwise I will be alone? Not me, baby. Not me. But is that a big enough/valid enough reason to leave?
But more importantly... Ian was acting as if he was a normal person this morning and made me all confused again. Ma faka! Would things be better if he stayed sober? Would it make a difference? I don't think that he would irritate me as much. (I'm trying to remember what it was like back then... I can't believe it's only a year ago and I barely have a recollection of it now. Pot. Pot. Pot.) But is that enough?
Let's look at this logically and see if it helps at all! What do I not like? What do I like? But I don't really believe in making a list and seeing which side is bigger. The leave list might be way longer than the stay list but what if the stay list has the priorities and the other is superficial? Or the other way around, obviously. All I know at this moment is that when I was at home with him this morning I felt drawn to him and wondered if I was making a hasty decision. But as soon as I was away from him, I wondered if the hasty part was this morning and the other was better. I am always the one leaving... I wish someone would leave me for a change. That's a pretty sad statement, though.
Okay, what do I like about living alone? I like the freedom. I like being able to do whatever I want, whenever I want and not worry about anyone else's feelings. Was I lonely when I lived alone? Sure, sometimes but not for the most part, I don't think. What else? It's the control... it all comes back to being in control... doing what I want and not having to worry about someone else. That's so shallow! But I don't want guilt. I don't want to feel bad for doing the things that I want to do. I want it like that Patricia chick said... two people with their own separate lives coming together. Can I live with someone and have that? Can I ever get that from Ian? And I also have been thinking about Paul for a bit... he was a nice person, too. (why do nice guys like a bitch like me??) Nice guys are just irritating. Fuck. Fight for yourself already. Say what you want to say, be what you want to be... I don't want to wipe my feet on you... I just want to be.
It's the pressure, it's getting talked into something that I'm not comfortable with... like the way I left the shopping centre or the way that I... I don't know... it's the going along with something... okay... okay... then - NO. I don't want to share everything. I don't want to be everything to anyone and I don't anyone to be that for me, either. I just don't. I don't know why. Maybe it's fear of giving someone ammunition... no, back to that again... it's loss of control. I want that control. I need the control. Wow, my concept of what I want has changed a lot! I used to think that a man could change my world, make everything good and happy. I guess it was the realization that that could never happen.
So, why do I need the control? What will happen if I don't have control? Blah, blah, shrink bullshit! I just don't want to have anyone tell me what to do, I don't want anyone to say that I "should" do this or that. Yes, please, offer your advice. But let me decide if I want to take it or not. Why can't that be okay? Maybe it's just not okay with Ian and it would be with someone else. Maybe I can't find that with anyone... does that mean that I should stay? Because otherwise I will be alone? Not me, baby. Not me. But is that a big enough/valid enough reason to leave?
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
OMG!
So we talked a lot last night... we both cried and got mad and were sorry but, bottom line: I'm leaving. And I don't mean that in a bad way. I'm not angry, I just feel that this is the right thing for both of us. I want to be on my own and he needs to be with someone who can be what he needs. I will never be what he needs - it's just not possible.
I'm a little afraid of telling him (not afraid, I just dread it!) but I have been looking at condos online and just applied for a mortgage pre-approval. I'm freaking out!! But excited, too.
I'm a little afraid of telling him (not afraid, I just dread it!) but I have been looking at condos online and just applied for a mortgage pre-approval. I'm freaking out!! But excited, too.
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Is it sabotage?
The thought came to me a few minutes ago that I am pretty much sabotaging my relationship with Ian. I haven't determined whether or not I want to change that but I definately am creating problems that aren't totally there... making a mountain out of a mole hill, if you will.
This realization in part stemmed from this "PersonalityDNA" test that I just did. It gives you the level of your personality traits and here's what mine said:
Confidence 78%
Openness 6%
Extroversion 94%
Empathy 4%
Trust in others 56%
Agency (belief that you control your life and not some higher power) 88%
Masculinity 66%
Femininity 6%
Spontaneity 48%
Attention to style 58%
Authoritarianism 88%
Earthy/Imaginative 100% earthy
Aesthetic/Functional 94% Aesthetic
Openness 6%! And Empathy only 4%? That can't be good! It's not because I don't care, I guess it's because I don't trust that I won't get hurt so I'm not letting anyone in to get the chance. And I know that I have this problem... it's hard to explain but when I try to reach out to someone or ask for help (especially men for some reason... or perhaps it's when I am emotionally invested in the outcome), I half ask and then push them away when they don't answer in the manner that I want... most likely they don't know what I am saying but I only realize that after the shut-down. The other night, for example, Ian and I had a reasonably good afternoon with his mother and, when I kissed him goodnight I made a comment that he didn't come "tuck me in" anymore. Then I got this barage of crap about how I'm always jumping on everything he says and I'm not very nice to him, blah, blah (wow, if they included sensitivity, I would have gotten about .5%). And I waited for him to come in for an hour... and he didn't come in. I did not kiss him goodbye the next morning and I did not kiss him goodbye this morning and, while I did kiss him last night, I had to talk myself into it because I did not want to. In a way it looks like I am punishing him but I think it's more that I am not opening up to him anymore.
So, what does all this mean? I have no idea. Does it mean that I'm supposed to back off and put it all out there again? I don't want to have my heart trampled. Do I trust that he won't do that? Not really. And not because I think he is bad and would willingly hurt me but, when I put myself out there for someone, they had better be up to the task and I'm not really sure that he is anymore. I'm not confident that he is or that anyone else ever will be. He said that he would be there for me, he said that when I had my bad days he would give me my space and not give me any grief about it. I don't think that the amount of guilt that he gives me is "no grief". And I don't know if I want to pull in my horns and go it alone again or if I want to put myself out there for further possible damage. Yeah, so they say that it could turn out better but I'm not really a believer in that. Or maybe just not enough of a gambler that I am willing to take that chance. Or maybe I'm just using all of this as an excuse to validate the fact that I want to be on my own again.
And, if I'm going to be bluntly honest (because this is for me to read and no one else), I'm getting bothered by all kinds of other things now... the house is a dump, his teeth are yellow, he's so small and I'm so big it looks funny, I don't like the way that he blames everything that happens to him on something/someone else (which is pretty much the reverse of me), I don't like that he doesn't have a job, he gets sweaty and smelly when he sleeps, his hair is puffy, he has no bum, he is way too dependant on pot and beer, he's silly and weird... now I'm just grasping at straws, though.
I don't want to ask permission to see my friends; I don't want to be told what to eat, when to eat, how to eat; I don't want to have to consider someone else's feelings when I speak or when I want to be by myself for a while; I don't want to deal with someone else's moods and needs and problems. God, I am such a bitch... it really is all about me isn't it? And not necessarily in a good way. My low, low empathy score.
What a messed up girl I still am! I really had no idea! I honestly thought that I dealt with the depression and all of that other stuff was due to that problem and the whole world would be wonderful now. Wasn't my excuse for holding people at arms length all about my view of myself? And that has changed tremendously since the pills but I guess some things remain. After all of those years conditioning myself, I guess I have some more work to do in letting go. Or maybe I'm not messed up - maybe I'm inconsiderate and selfish and I only think of me, me, me.
But I still mainly just want to leave the situation and pretend that it never happened, there is nothing wrong with me... it's the rest of the world that's so fucked up! And the more I write the more I think that it's me that's fucked up - just not in the way I always thought. I don't think that it's because I'm afraid that I will get hurt... it's more like I'm afraid that I will hurt him because I don't know if I want to be with him anymore. Him. Not anyone. Him. And I might be using this little upset as a valid reason to walk away.
This realization in part stemmed from this "PersonalityDNA" test that I just did. It gives you the level of your personality traits and here's what mine said:
Confidence 78%
Openness 6%
Extroversion 94%
Empathy 4%
Trust in others 56%
Agency (belief that you control your life and not some higher power) 88%
Masculinity 66%
Femininity 6%
Spontaneity 48%
Attention to style 58%
Authoritarianism 88%
Earthy/Imaginative 100% earthy
Aesthetic/Functional 94% Aesthetic
Openness 6%! And Empathy only 4%? That can't be good! It's not because I don't care, I guess it's because I don't trust that I won't get hurt so I'm not letting anyone in to get the chance. And I know that I have this problem... it's hard to explain but when I try to reach out to someone or ask for help (especially men for some reason... or perhaps it's when I am emotionally invested in the outcome), I half ask and then push them away when they don't answer in the manner that I want... most likely they don't know what I am saying but I only realize that after the shut-down. The other night, for example, Ian and I had a reasonably good afternoon with his mother and, when I kissed him goodnight I made a comment that he didn't come "tuck me in" anymore. Then I got this barage of crap about how I'm always jumping on everything he says and I'm not very nice to him, blah, blah (wow, if they included sensitivity, I would have gotten about .5%). And I waited for him to come in for an hour... and he didn't come in. I did not kiss him goodbye the next morning and I did not kiss him goodbye this morning and, while I did kiss him last night, I had to talk myself into it because I did not want to. In a way it looks like I am punishing him but I think it's more that I am not opening up to him anymore.
So, what does all this mean? I have no idea. Does it mean that I'm supposed to back off and put it all out there again? I don't want to have my heart trampled. Do I trust that he won't do that? Not really. And not because I think he is bad and would willingly hurt me but, when I put myself out there for someone, they had better be up to the task and I'm not really sure that he is anymore. I'm not confident that he is or that anyone else ever will be. He said that he would be there for me, he said that when I had my bad days he would give me my space and not give me any grief about it. I don't think that the amount of guilt that he gives me is "no grief". And I don't know if I want to pull in my horns and go it alone again or if I want to put myself out there for further possible damage. Yeah, so they say that it could turn out better but I'm not really a believer in that. Or maybe just not enough of a gambler that I am willing to take that chance. Or maybe I'm just using all of this as an excuse to validate the fact that I want to be on my own again.
And, if I'm going to be bluntly honest (because this is for me to read and no one else), I'm getting bothered by all kinds of other things now... the house is a dump, his teeth are yellow, he's so small and I'm so big it looks funny, I don't like the way that he blames everything that happens to him on something/someone else (which is pretty much the reverse of me), I don't like that he doesn't have a job, he gets sweaty and smelly when he sleeps, his hair is puffy, he has no bum, he is way too dependant on pot and beer, he's silly and weird... now I'm just grasping at straws, though.
I don't want to ask permission to see my friends; I don't want to be told what to eat, when to eat, how to eat; I don't want to have to consider someone else's feelings when I speak or when I want to be by myself for a while; I don't want to deal with someone else's moods and needs and problems. God, I am such a bitch... it really is all about me isn't it? And not necessarily in a good way. My low, low empathy score.
What a messed up girl I still am! I really had no idea! I honestly thought that I dealt with the depression and all of that other stuff was due to that problem and the whole world would be wonderful now. Wasn't my excuse for holding people at arms length all about my view of myself? And that has changed tremendously since the pills but I guess some things remain. After all of those years conditioning myself, I guess I have some more work to do in letting go. Or maybe I'm not messed up - maybe I'm inconsiderate and selfish and I only think of me, me, me.
But I still mainly just want to leave the situation and pretend that it never happened, there is nothing wrong with me... it's the rest of the world that's so fucked up! And the more I write the more I think that it's me that's fucked up - just not in the way I always thought. I don't think that it's because I'm afraid that I will get hurt... it's more like I'm afraid that I will hurt him because I don't know if I want to be with him anymore. Him. Not anyone. Him. And I might be using this little upset as a valid reason to walk away.
Email to Brenda
This is an email that I sent to my friend, Brenda, yesterday when she made the error of asking me how things were going! Poor Brenda - we have been out of touch for two years and I lay all this on her. Anyway...
Hi Brenda!
Blech! I'm having a poopy day... poopy month. Be careful what you ask... I have a feeling this is going to be a long email!! But I would love to have your opinion... you've always been such a good ear/shoulder!
I've been at odds with the main squeeze for a bit now and I'm trying to figure out what to do with my life. I met and dated Ian years ago... a couple of weeks after I left Karl in 2001, actually. We dated very casually for about 7 months and I stopped seeing him when I met the newfie, Fabian. You heard about the ups and downs of the whole Fabian saga over the years... we finally had a "shit or get off the pot" conversation last March and I decided that it was time to get off the pot - my feelings for him hadn't changed but I finally realized that nothing else was going to change, either, and we just wanted different things (i.e. he-sex, me-love).
Ian called in June last year and we went out to lunch and quickly started dating again. First, I should point out that I am quite different now inside (that's a longer story than anyone has time to read but maybe some day over a couple of beers!!), I am more confident in who I am and what I want, I like myself in a way that I never have before and, for the last year or two of living alone, I was happier than I have been since I was a little kid. And I really saw Ian differently this time than I had when we first met. I always thought that he was nice and funny but this time he kind of swept me off my feet and did all kinds of the things that I had always wanted a man to do: cooking for me, actually listening to the things that I said, going out of his way to do things for me. He also started saying the "L" word within about a month... which freaked me out a little but was flattering at the same time.
So, by mid-August he was badgering me to move in with him. I was there most of the time anyway so I kind of half moved in and stayed there every night but kept my own place, too (even though I rarely went there). Within about a month or so I was so frustrated with how things were going that I moved back to my place. It was too much, too soon and there was a lot of pressure to conform to his life and I really felt that I was losing mine. In addition to that, I had just finished redecorating my condo when we started dating and was absolutely IN LOVE with the place; his place was a house that a single man had lived in for 14 years or so, if you know what I mean (read:dump!). So, I went back to my place and we didn't communicate at all for a week because my dad was visiting and I didn't want to deal with it.
Things got somewhat back to normal after Dad left; I was still living at my place but spending a lot of time at his place. Ian's brother came to help him put down some new flooring in October and promptly took a chainsaw to Ian's couch because it was in such bad shape. So, of course, I decided that - seeing I was totally in love with him and we were going to be together forever anyway (!) - I would move most of my furniture down to his place and rent my place out. And that's what I did.
Fast forward to current times and I still love him (I think) but we are having serious problems and I am considering moving back to my place. I always tend to run when a problem arises (as I did in September) and that's why I am having so much trouble figuring out what to do. We have gotten a long pretty good over these months... however, I feel the need to point out that we have been stoned almost every evening and all weekends over these months. Godamn awesome BC greens! Good at the time but they cause me to have some serious mood swings. In May I decided that it was time for me to stop smoking it so much and get my shit back together. He continued to smoke it and eventually I got back into it... only on the weekends at first, and that turned into most every evening again. So here I am again, totally off the stuff and not getting back on it because I hate the waste that it turns my life into.
He still smokes it... and I find him irritating as hell all the time now. I get pissed off with him pretty much on a daily basis and the mood swings have caused me to be quite difficult to live with. Again, I will back track a bit here to tell you that I told him that I could be difficult to live with long before I ever moved in; I can be moody without the pot, too (except I am better able to control what I put out there when I am sober, of course). He was confident that he could deal with that and he was really good in the beginning by giving me my space and backing off when I needed him to. Now he just gives me guilt about it. Now he punishes me by either badgering the hell out of me when I don't want to do something that he wants to do or by ignoring me or withholding goodnight kisses and stupid stuff like that.
I also told him before I moved in that my personal time was extremely important to me and, during all of those years that I was alone and basically single (because Fabian and I were apart much more than we were together) I put a lot of work into developing a social life. [My very best friend, Stacey, is single and we spend a lot of time together - in 2005-2006 we went to a million concerts and plays and short trips and anything else that we could find to do (I even went bungee jumping if you can believe that!!) and I didn't want to give that up.] I get a guilt trip every time I want to spend time with my friends and when Stacey and I try to include him, he says that I ignore him and jump on everything he says (which is most likely right). I also get crap when I am on my computer in the evenings and not out in the living room with him or if I do my Sudoku puzzles instead of watching tv- even though I am next to him on the couch - or if I go out for supper or, god-forbid, I might want to go see a movie by myself (which is one of my absolute favorite things to do). My sister, Debra, moved to Victoria last June and I hardly get to see her because he never wants to go over there. I have been over a few times and she has been over here a few but we really haven't been able to spend time together as we had planned to do. She will be leaving BC in less than a year and I feel that I have hardly been able to see her - and she is my favorite person in the world. We had such big plans!
I will also mention that Ian doesn't work. He has diabetes and had a kidney transplant a couple of months before we started seeing each other last year. He is on disability but able to go back to work and periodically looks for a job but gets frustrated with it quite easily. He also has taken to getting stoned by noon every day and staying that way until he goes to bed; most nights he has a few beers, too. I go to bed at 10pm, he goes to bed after midnight; I get up by 6 or 7am, he gets up by noon. He's bored and lonely being by himself all day and maybe that's why I feel bad when I leave him alone. But I now I feel bad about it - and I feel pissed off. I feel like we barely even speak and, when we do, I get irritated with him very quickly. I hardly want to go home anymore. I keep fantisizing about my condo and how nice it was and how much I loved living alone. I lie awake in the night going over the good and the bad, the whys and the why nots and I don't know what to do. And I'm frustrated about that.
Oh, crap, Brenda. I hate this. Boys truely suck! Life is so much easier alone. Maybe I am spoiled by always being able to do what I want and when I want. I am a control freak after all and I lose my mind when someone tries to control me, even if it is only by making me feel guilty for something that I should have no reason to feel guilty about. And I know I am getting more and more difficult to live with because of that. It's causing a vicious circle and I am spinning. It's 6pm here now and, even though the office closes at 4:30, I don't want to leave work. I don't want to deal with it anymore, I just want to pack up and sneak out in the middle of the night. Like I said, I tend to run.
But of course I have to talk to him about this. I don't know if I am more afraid of ending the relationship or of letting him convince me to stay. I wanted to leave Karl for 4 of our 5 years together and I won't do that again... I just don't have that kind of time to spare now! So, dear Ann Landers, help! Actually, just writing this out makes it pretty clear what I want to do. I just don't want to hurt him. And I love him and I love our dog and his family and now I am bawling my face off which makes me think that maybe I don't want to leave. Argh!! I miss being alone but part of me wonders if I am glorifying that as well. Gee... do I sound confused to you? Now are you sorry that you asked how it's going? Never expected this book in reply, did you?
Anyway, thanks for letting me vent. I will figure it out or it will work itself out in time. Now I guess I should go home. Sigh.
Love ya xxx
Hi Brenda!
Blech! I'm having a poopy day... poopy month. Be careful what you ask... I have a feeling this is going to be a long email!! But I would love to have your opinion... you've always been such a good ear/shoulder!
I've been at odds with the main squeeze for a bit now and I'm trying to figure out what to do with my life. I met and dated Ian years ago... a couple of weeks after I left Karl in 2001, actually. We dated very casually for about 7 months and I stopped seeing him when I met the newfie, Fabian. You heard about the ups and downs of the whole Fabian saga over the years... we finally had a "shit or get off the pot" conversation last March and I decided that it was time to get off the pot - my feelings for him hadn't changed but I finally realized that nothing else was going to change, either, and we just wanted different things (i.e. he-sex, me-love).
Ian called in June last year and we went out to lunch and quickly started dating again. First, I should point out that I am quite different now inside (that's a longer story than anyone has time to read but maybe some day over a couple of beers!!), I am more confident in who I am and what I want, I like myself in a way that I never have before and, for the last year or two of living alone, I was happier than I have been since I was a little kid. And I really saw Ian differently this time than I had when we first met. I always thought that he was nice and funny but this time he kind of swept me off my feet and did all kinds of the things that I had always wanted a man to do: cooking for me, actually listening to the things that I said, going out of his way to do things for me. He also started saying the "L" word within about a month... which freaked me out a little but was flattering at the same time.
So, by mid-August he was badgering me to move in with him. I was there most of the time anyway so I kind of half moved in and stayed there every night but kept my own place, too (even though I rarely went there). Within about a month or so I was so frustrated with how things were going that I moved back to my place. It was too much, too soon and there was a lot of pressure to conform to his life and I really felt that I was losing mine. In addition to that, I had just finished redecorating my condo when we started dating and was absolutely IN LOVE with the place; his place was a house that a single man had lived in for 14 years or so, if you know what I mean (read:dump!). So, I went back to my place and we didn't communicate at all for a week because my dad was visiting and I didn't want to deal with it.
Things got somewhat back to normal after Dad left; I was still living at my place but spending a lot of time at his place. Ian's brother came to help him put down some new flooring in October and promptly took a chainsaw to Ian's couch because it was in such bad shape. So, of course, I decided that - seeing I was totally in love with him and we were going to be together forever anyway (!) - I would move most of my furniture down to his place and rent my place out. And that's what I did.
Fast forward to current times and I still love him (I think) but we are having serious problems and I am considering moving back to my place. I always tend to run when a problem arises (as I did in September) and that's why I am having so much trouble figuring out what to do. We have gotten a long pretty good over these months... however, I feel the need to point out that we have been stoned almost every evening and all weekends over these months. Godamn awesome BC greens! Good at the time but they cause me to have some serious mood swings. In May I decided that it was time for me to stop smoking it so much and get my shit back together. He continued to smoke it and eventually I got back into it... only on the weekends at first, and that turned into most every evening again. So here I am again, totally off the stuff and not getting back on it because I hate the waste that it turns my life into.
He still smokes it... and I find him irritating as hell all the time now. I get pissed off with him pretty much on a daily basis and the mood swings have caused me to be quite difficult to live with. Again, I will back track a bit here to tell you that I told him that I could be difficult to live with long before I ever moved in; I can be moody without the pot, too (except I am better able to control what I put out there when I am sober, of course). He was confident that he could deal with that and he was really good in the beginning by giving me my space and backing off when I needed him to. Now he just gives me guilt about it. Now he punishes me by either badgering the hell out of me when I don't want to do something that he wants to do or by ignoring me or withholding goodnight kisses and stupid stuff like that.
I also told him before I moved in that my personal time was extremely important to me and, during all of those years that I was alone and basically single (because Fabian and I were apart much more than we were together) I put a lot of work into developing a social life. [My very best friend, Stacey, is single and we spend a lot of time together - in 2005-2006 we went to a million concerts and plays and short trips and anything else that we could find to do (I even went bungee jumping if you can believe that!!) and I didn't want to give that up.] I get a guilt trip every time I want to spend time with my friends and when Stacey and I try to include him, he says that I ignore him and jump on everything he says (which is most likely right). I also get crap when I am on my computer in the evenings and not out in the living room with him or if I do my Sudoku puzzles instead of watching tv- even though I am next to him on the couch - or if I go out for supper or, god-forbid, I might want to go see a movie by myself (which is one of my absolute favorite things to do). My sister, Debra, moved to Victoria last June and I hardly get to see her because he never wants to go over there. I have been over a few times and she has been over here a few but we really haven't been able to spend time together as we had planned to do. She will be leaving BC in less than a year and I feel that I have hardly been able to see her - and she is my favorite person in the world. We had such big plans!
I will also mention that Ian doesn't work. He has diabetes and had a kidney transplant a couple of months before we started seeing each other last year. He is on disability but able to go back to work and periodically looks for a job but gets frustrated with it quite easily. He also has taken to getting stoned by noon every day and staying that way until he goes to bed; most nights he has a few beers, too. I go to bed at 10pm, he goes to bed after midnight; I get up by 6 or 7am, he gets up by noon. He's bored and lonely being by himself all day and maybe that's why I feel bad when I leave him alone. But I now I feel bad about it - and I feel pissed off. I feel like we barely even speak and, when we do, I get irritated with him very quickly. I hardly want to go home anymore. I keep fantisizing about my condo and how nice it was and how much I loved living alone. I lie awake in the night going over the good and the bad, the whys and the why nots and I don't know what to do. And I'm frustrated about that.
Oh, crap, Brenda. I hate this. Boys truely suck! Life is so much easier alone. Maybe I am spoiled by always being able to do what I want and when I want. I am a control freak after all and I lose my mind when someone tries to control me, even if it is only by making me feel guilty for something that I should have no reason to feel guilty about. And I know I am getting more and more difficult to live with because of that. It's causing a vicious circle and I am spinning. It's 6pm here now and, even though the office closes at 4:30, I don't want to leave work. I don't want to deal with it anymore, I just want to pack up and sneak out in the middle of the night. Like I said, I tend to run.
But of course I have to talk to him about this. I don't know if I am more afraid of ending the relationship or of letting him convince me to stay. I wanted to leave Karl for 4 of our 5 years together and I won't do that again... I just don't have that kind of time to spare now! So, dear Ann Landers, help! Actually, just writing this out makes it pretty clear what I want to do. I just don't want to hurt him. And I love him and I love our dog and his family and now I am bawling my face off which makes me think that maybe I don't want to leave. Argh!! I miss being alone but part of me wonders if I am glorifying that as well. Gee... do I sound confused to you? Now are you sorry that you asked how it's going? Never expected this book in reply, did you?
Anyway, thanks for letting me vent. I will figure it out or it will work itself out in time. Now I guess I should go home. Sigh.
Love ya xxx
Monday, July 9, 2007
Things are getting worse
Well, things seem to have gotten worse instead of better over the weekend. Not in my brain but in my home. Ian and I are barely speaking and I am trying to figure out what I want to do next... do I fight for us or do I leave? My tenants haven't paid their rent yet this month so it's a perfect opportunity to reclaim my space. If only I could make a decision.
I feel like I did when I was with Karl in a way... and I have no intention of waiting for five years before I move on. But Karl was such an ass and Ian is not. Well, maybe he is, just in a different way. He's sofa-king irritating sometimes. Such a child! But I knew that when I moved in. Another interesting thing that keeps popping into my head is that I have been stoned for most of our relationship... and that really seems like the only time I like him anymore. Yes, he's a good person for the most part, I love our dog, I like his family, I kinda love our home but is it enough?
Do I want to spend my life feeling like I have to explain every time I have a bad day? And did I have this many bad days before? I don't think so but pot and not Ian is to blame for that (I think!). Do I want to always feel guilty for being on my computer or going out with my friends or working late or just wanting to be alone? Do I want to hear him bitch about how I'm wasting food when he buys things that I just don't want to eat? Do I want to live in the dump of a house with it's stupid striped wall? Do I want to be with a guy who smokes pot and drinks beer all day long? I don't want to get in the car with him when he's high... I don't like his driving at the best of times. And sure we have fun. Yes, I love the guy... but everytime that enters my mind "I think" follows fast.
And if I do leave, what do I take? Do I leave everything with him and start over again? I gave so much stuff away! I could look at it as a redecorating opportunity but that's gonna cost so much money! But it could be so much fun!!! And when I picture myself back in my place, I wonder if I will be devistated? Will I regret leaving? Because once I go there is no turning back. When I left Karl there were so many exciting doors opening for me... so much to do. Would it be going backward? And why can't I be alone? Why is it such a bad thing? I just have no time for all of this crap.
I don't know how I got to this point so fast. Wasn't I just gushing over him last week (when I was stoned!)? We have been having problems for a couple of months on and off but I think now it's reached the point where we have to either get it together or walk away. And it is my nature to walk away. I know (think!) he will fight me on it but nothing will change. I told him, warned him, in the beginning. He either didn't believe me or thought that he could handle it. I don't think that he can handle it - I doubt that anyone can. He has become like any/every one else and just hates me because of the moods. I'm not saying that I blame him - I would never put up with it either - but he told me that he would understand, that he would give me space, that he would let me work it out the way I need to and that he would be there when I was ready. It doesn't happen that way.
What do I want? I want it both... I'm selfish enough to admit that I want to have him when I want him and to not have him when I don't want him. And I'm selfless enough to know that I should let him go.
I feel like I did when I was with Karl in a way... and I have no intention of waiting for five years before I move on. But Karl was such an ass and Ian is not. Well, maybe he is, just in a different way. He's sofa-king irritating sometimes. Such a child! But I knew that when I moved in. Another interesting thing that keeps popping into my head is that I have been stoned for most of our relationship... and that really seems like the only time I like him anymore. Yes, he's a good person for the most part, I love our dog, I like his family, I kinda love our home but is it enough?
Do I want to spend my life feeling like I have to explain every time I have a bad day? And did I have this many bad days before? I don't think so but pot and not Ian is to blame for that (I think!). Do I want to always feel guilty for being on my computer or going out with my friends or working late or just wanting to be alone? Do I want to hear him bitch about how I'm wasting food when he buys things that I just don't want to eat? Do I want to live in the dump of a house with it's stupid striped wall? Do I want to be with a guy who smokes pot and drinks beer all day long? I don't want to get in the car with him when he's high... I don't like his driving at the best of times. And sure we have fun. Yes, I love the guy... but everytime that enters my mind "I think" follows fast.
And if I do leave, what do I take? Do I leave everything with him and start over again? I gave so much stuff away! I could look at it as a redecorating opportunity but that's gonna cost so much money! But it could be so much fun!!! And when I picture myself back in my place, I wonder if I will be devistated? Will I regret leaving? Because once I go there is no turning back. When I left Karl there were so many exciting doors opening for me... so much to do. Would it be going backward? And why can't I be alone? Why is it such a bad thing? I just have no time for all of this crap.
I don't know how I got to this point so fast. Wasn't I just gushing over him last week (when I was stoned!)? We have been having problems for a couple of months on and off but I think now it's reached the point where we have to either get it together or walk away. And it is my nature to walk away. I know (think!) he will fight me on it but nothing will change. I told him, warned him, in the beginning. He either didn't believe me or thought that he could handle it. I don't think that he can handle it - I doubt that anyone can. He has become like any/every one else and just hates me because of the moods. I'm not saying that I blame him - I would never put up with it either - but he told me that he would understand, that he would give me space, that he would let me work it out the way I need to and that he would be there when I was ready. It doesn't happen that way.
What do I want? I want it both... I'm selfish enough to admit that I want to have him when I want him and to not have him when I don't want him. And I'm selfless enough to know that I should let him go.
Friday, July 6, 2007
Hold on or let go?
Fuck I hate this. I hate being this fucking mental person who looks so damn ordinary on the outsite. Bev, you're so funny. I think at least three people said this to me today. Bev, always smiling, always happy. Bev, the ray of sunshine.
I was standing in the bathroom this morning, crying my eyes out while I was brushing my teeth and trying to figure out how the hell I could make it through another day... and I started thinking that I could make it look like an accident. All of these years I have been on this planet because I would never hurt someone so much as to think that they could have helped me and just didn't do enough... because that is obviously not the case. No one can save me... maybe not even me. So if it was an accident, sure they would miss me and sure they would cry but it wouldn't ruin anyone's life. And what would it matter, anyway? I've touched people's lives, I've made a difference but I don't have kids, I don't have family that doesn't have other family... I could just be someone people once knew.
But, of course, I won't. I will sit here and suffer. I wish I could stop this hurt. God, if only something were wrong! But nothing is wrong. My life is exactly how I always wanted it to be. That is so sad.
How did I get here again? Why can't I make it stop? Seriously... what the fuck do I have to do? I don't want to know anymore. Knowing hurts so much more than not knowing. I used to have something/someone to blame it on... and now it's only me. I think that I don't like knowing also because now I know that I can't get away from it. I can't move and everything will be wonderful. I can't get a new job/boyfriend/girlfriend/car/life... it follows me where ever I go - and I can't FUCKING make it stop.
I don't want anyone else to know anymore, either. I hate talking about it so matter-of-fact now. They nod as if they understand... I know they try, I know they care, I know they love me but it doesn't help. It doesn't stop it. At this moment I can only see one way of making it stop and that will never happen. So I have to struggle through. But I'm really starting to not want to. I'm hopeless and I don't know where to turn.
And so I'm this bitch. I'm driving Ian crazy, I know. Nothing he does is good enough. I swing and I swing and he either gets the fun me or the cold shoulder or a smart ass remark and I'm sure that, moment to moment, he has no idea what is coming next. It struck me the other day that living with him makes this real. When I was alone I could have my little fit or burst into tears and no one knew, no one got hurt, no one had any idea how much of a freak I am. And if no one knows that means it didn't happen. And if it didn't happen then I wasn't a mental case... just funny Bev.
When I was alone I didn't have anyone to answer to, either, and, good or bad as it might be to say this, it was easier to be alone. If I needed to sit and be a zombie, I just did. I once bawled my face off on my closet floor for hours and hours and it didn't matter because no one knew. If I needed to be alone, I was alone. If I needed to be near someone I called a friend or went to a movie. I was in total control; I didn't have to share my feelings, I didn't have to worry about hurting someone else's feelings, I didn't have to get even more upset when I was trying to share my feelings and couldn't communicate it in a way that was understood. I didn't have to worry about anything but me and making it through the day.
Now I work too much and he's lonely, I'm on the computer and he's jealous, I don't feel like eating and he's frustrated, I eat too much and he's preaching, I don't want to go for a walk and he's pissed off, I want to be alone and he's hurt. And he's such a great guy, such a good person... it just makes it worse because now I have the tears and self-hatred and the struggle to cope with the simplest thing and I get a good dose of guilt mixed in.
So what do I do? Who can help me? I honestly don't think that talking to a professional will make any difference. Yeah, I need to eat better and get more exercise. Stop the fucking pot obviously. But I really can't remember... did I swing back and forth so much when I was on my own? Is that the answer? Ah... boo fuckin' hoo. Christ. JUST STOP ALREADY. Please, just stop.
I don't want this anymore. I don't want to go home. I don't want to work. I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to think about it. I don't want anything anymore except to make it stop.
I was standing in the bathroom this morning, crying my eyes out while I was brushing my teeth and trying to figure out how the hell I could make it through another day... and I started thinking that I could make it look like an accident. All of these years I have been on this planet because I would never hurt someone so much as to think that they could have helped me and just didn't do enough... because that is obviously not the case. No one can save me... maybe not even me. So if it was an accident, sure they would miss me and sure they would cry but it wouldn't ruin anyone's life. And what would it matter, anyway? I've touched people's lives, I've made a difference but I don't have kids, I don't have family that doesn't have other family... I could just be someone people once knew.
But, of course, I won't. I will sit here and suffer. I wish I could stop this hurt. God, if only something were wrong! But nothing is wrong. My life is exactly how I always wanted it to be. That is so sad.
How did I get here again? Why can't I make it stop? Seriously... what the fuck do I have to do? I don't want to know anymore. Knowing hurts so much more than not knowing. I used to have something/someone to blame it on... and now it's only me. I think that I don't like knowing also because now I know that I can't get away from it. I can't move and everything will be wonderful. I can't get a new job/boyfriend/girlfriend/car/life... it follows me where ever I go - and I can't FUCKING make it stop.
I don't want anyone else to know anymore, either. I hate talking about it so matter-of-fact now. They nod as if they understand... I know they try, I know they care, I know they love me but it doesn't help. It doesn't stop it. At this moment I can only see one way of making it stop and that will never happen. So I have to struggle through. But I'm really starting to not want to. I'm hopeless and I don't know where to turn.
And so I'm this bitch. I'm driving Ian crazy, I know. Nothing he does is good enough. I swing and I swing and he either gets the fun me or the cold shoulder or a smart ass remark and I'm sure that, moment to moment, he has no idea what is coming next. It struck me the other day that living with him makes this real. When I was alone I could have my little fit or burst into tears and no one knew, no one got hurt, no one had any idea how much of a freak I am. And if no one knows that means it didn't happen. And if it didn't happen then I wasn't a mental case... just funny Bev.
When I was alone I didn't have anyone to answer to, either, and, good or bad as it might be to say this, it was easier to be alone. If I needed to sit and be a zombie, I just did. I once bawled my face off on my closet floor for hours and hours and it didn't matter because no one knew. If I needed to be alone, I was alone. If I needed to be near someone I called a friend or went to a movie. I was in total control; I didn't have to share my feelings, I didn't have to worry about hurting someone else's feelings, I didn't have to get even more upset when I was trying to share my feelings and couldn't communicate it in a way that was understood. I didn't have to worry about anything but me and making it through the day.
Now I work too much and he's lonely, I'm on the computer and he's jealous, I don't feel like eating and he's frustrated, I eat too much and he's preaching, I don't want to go for a walk and he's pissed off, I want to be alone and he's hurt. And he's such a great guy, such a good person... it just makes it worse because now I have the tears and self-hatred and the struggle to cope with the simplest thing and I get a good dose of guilt mixed in.
So what do I do? Who can help me? I honestly don't think that talking to a professional will make any difference. Yeah, I need to eat better and get more exercise. Stop the fucking pot obviously. But I really can't remember... did I swing back and forth so much when I was on my own? Is that the answer? Ah... boo fuckin' hoo. Christ. JUST STOP ALREADY. Please, just stop.
I don't want this anymore. I don't want to go home. I don't want to work. I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to think about it. I don't want anything anymore except to make it stop.
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