Thursday, March 12, 2009
Oh, how I cried.
I'm sorry. That was fast but furious but I felt okay right after. I shouldn't have said that. I'm not going to hurt myself. I would never hurt myself. It was intense, I'm not going to say it wasn't, but I got through it and I really feel okay. It's just time to get up, that's all.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Sometimes
As positive as I sound sometimes, there are still times that I wonder if I will actually come out of all of this in one piece. All of this analyzing and soul-searching is a load of crap. Is my life any different than when it first started? Really? I don't think so. Will I always sit here and hate myself because no one loves me and because I seem to be so beyond hope. It really seems as if I will. So I quit my job, and left the guy, and sold my condo and nothing is different. Nothing. FUCKING NOTHING!!!!!!!!! Christ! If I had a gun in my hand right now... I would probably do nothing... but I would be so fucking tempted it's not fucking funny. This has to end. It has to. It has to. It has to. It has to. It has to. It has to. Please. Just stop.
Alcohol makes me want to hurt myself... it's all coming back to me now...
Alcohol makes me want to hurt myself... it's all coming back to me now...
Three cheers for mental stability! Or maybe just two...
One of the most interesting things that has come out of all of this personal exploration is that I now realize that I very often did not correctly assess my feelings. Everything went into the depressed pile or I'm an asshole pile and it never seemed to click that there was a I am completely normal pile.
It's called jealousy. Not extreme, not debilitating, just jealousy. That little gnawing feeling at the pit of your stomach that normal would have sent me straight to the couch with a big bag of chips and a big fat doobie. That little bit of gut rot that automatically screams "you idiot! look how fat you are - why would anyone want you when they could have someone else??" It even stings when it's someone that I don't particularly want.
But that's not totally true, I guess. I have been developing quite the little crush on this Dave person. I like him. I like being around him. I have fun with him. He makes me feel good about myself. I am myself with him - that is completely huge! Do I want a romantic relationship with him? I keep saying how cool it is to be friends with a guy without all the other crap but the more I am with him the more I am looking for that other crap.
It seems the only thing that I can do is this: wait. Let's see what happens. Be open to all possibilities but not fixated on any one possibility in particular. Yes, I like that idea. Let's just see.
It's called jealousy. Not extreme, not debilitating, just jealousy. That little gnawing feeling at the pit of your stomach that normal would have sent me straight to the couch with a big bag of chips and a big fat doobie. That little bit of gut rot that automatically screams "you idiot! look how fat you are - why would anyone want you when they could have someone else??" It even stings when it's someone that I don't particularly want.
But that's not totally true, I guess. I have been developing quite the little crush on this Dave person. I like him. I like being around him. I have fun with him. He makes me feel good about myself. I am myself with him - that is completely huge! Do I want a romantic relationship with him? I keep saying how cool it is to be friends with a guy without all the other crap but the more I am with him the more I am looking for that other crap.
It seems the only thing that I can do is this: wait. Let's see what happens. Be open to all possibilities but not fixated on any one possibility in particular. Yes, I like that idea. Let's just see.
Monday, March 9, 2009
Meet the truth
The problem with pot is that you spend so much time thinking about what you are going to do that you rarely do it.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Oprah's on/Oprah's wrong
For the past few days I have been sitting on my couch, watching Oprah's 20 year anniversary DVD box set thingy that I gave to Julie for Christmas years ago and borrowed back from Julie years ago and finally started to watch. I started to watch because I have been studying to be me and something that I read in Cesar Millan's dog book made me think, yes, I would like to observe this woman and how she connects with people because I want to connect with people. So this is pure study and not at all entertainment. ;-)
Okay, well, that's how it started and it is still that but it has been very entertaining and enlightening, too. The section about her weight struggles was on earlier and she said something that made me really stop and think. Oprah said that you won't lose weight until you learn to love yourself. And I don't agree. I love myself. I have taken strides to ensure that I love myself. I have worked hard to become myself, to become a person that I do love, to become who I want to be. And I truly believe that deep, deep, deep down, in my very soul, I love myself. Also, I would like to point out that these dvd's were recorded in 2005 and Oprah has since admitted to her continuing struggle with food. Does Oprah not love herself?
And, as I was standing in my kitchen, grating up the cheese to put on my nachos for my mid-afternoon snack - more for something to do than anything - it hit me. I love food. I hate food and the hatred that I feel for food has spurred me into stopping the love affair time and time again but I keep coming back. It's like an abusive relationship. It hurts me and it sickens me and it beats me down, food takes away my self esteem and food is my punishment and makes me feel like I am less than I should be. And I hate food so I leave. But, inevitably, I go back.
We have this honeymoon period. Food promises that it will never wrong me again, food loves me, food is wonderful. Food romances me and food gives me complete control over our relationship. Until the moment that I realize that I got sucked in again. Food has again taken away my self worth, food has made me into something that I don't want to be, food has stolen my dignity. And more I fight it, the more it wins. The more I struggle and make threats and run away, the more it controls me. The only way that I can beat food is to take away it's power. The only way that I can win is to be me. Fat or not fat, I need to live my life.
Because something else occurred to me right after - something that was by no means a secret but needed to be brought up again - I am not fulfilled. I am not happy because I am not living the life that I want to live. I sit here in my comfort zone and I let life happen all around me. That's not enough for me anymore. I want to be me. I want to be the person that I know I can be. I always comment on the struggle of being different and going my own way and taking the long way around but I am still only half doing it. Well, here's my opportunity. Here is my chance to make a change.
It's not about money - I do not care about money. I do not care about stuff. I do not care what kind of car I drive, where I live, how much I spent on my furniture. No matter where I am or what I do, I will always take pride in what I have, my home will always reflect my personality, I will be the person that I am inside. So, how to become fulfilled? That is the question.
I want to help people. I want to walk my talk. I want to do... something. I guess it's time to start figuring out what that is.
Wish me luck.
Okay, well, that's how it started and it is still that but it has been very entertaining and enlightening, too. The section about her weight struggles was on earlier and she said something that made me really stop and think. Oprah said that you won't lose weight until you learn to love yourself. And I don't agree. I love myself. I have taken strides to ensure that I love myself. I have worked hard to become myself, to become a person that I do love, to become who I want to be. And I truly believe that deep, deep, deep down, in my very soul, I love myself. Also, I would like to point out that these dvd's were recorded in 2005 and Oprah has since admitted to her continuing struggle with food. Does Oprah not love herself?
And, as I was standing in my kitchen, grating up the cheese to put on my nachos for my mid-afternoon snack - more for something to do than anything - it hit me. I love food. I hate food and the hatred that I feel for food has spurred me into stopping the love affair time and time again but I keep coming back. It's like an abusive relationship. It hurts me and it sickens me and it beats me down, food takes away my self esteem and food is my punishment and makes me feel like I am less than I should be. And I hate food so I leave. But, inevitably, I go back.
We have this honeymoon period. Food promises that it will never wrong me again, food loves me, food is wonderful. Food romances me and food gives me complete control over our relationship. Until the moment that I realize that I got sucked in again. Food has again taken away my self worth, food has made me into something that I don't want to be, food has stolen my dignity. And more I fight it, the more it wins. The more I struggle and make threats and run away, the more it controls me. The only way that I can beat food is to take away it's power. The only way that I can win is to be me. Fat or not fat, I need to live my life.
Because something else occurred to me right after - something that was by no means a secret but needed to be brought up again - I am not fulfilled. I am not happy because I am not living the life that I want to live. I sit here in my comfort zone and I let life happen all around me. That's not enough for me anymore. I want to be me. I want to be the person that I know I can be. I always comment on the struggle of being different and going my own way and taking the long way around but I am still only half doing it. Well, here's my opportunity. Here is my chance to make a change.
It's not about money - I do not care about money. I do not care about stuff. I do not care what kind of car I drive, where I live, how much I spent on my furniture. No matter where I am or what I do, I will always take pride in what I have, my home will always reflect my personality, I will be the person that I am inside. So, how to become fulfilled? That is the question.
I want to help people. I want to walk my talk. I want to do... something. I guess it's time to start figuring out what that is.
Wish me luck.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Still haven't found what I'm looking for
SOLD! Okay, Stacey, accepted offer. lol Subjects removed on the 11th and then SOLD!
Yet, oddly, not the best day ever. Not a totally bad day; not the best day that got better at around 5pm. When - I think - I decided on the next step. Beginning details:
1. go to school - Academy of Learning, Hospitality Management
2. new car - Jeep Cherokee Sport, Black (my dream car of yore!)
3. get a waitressing gig - pub is hiring, senior's place is, too
4. new pad - sell most of my furniture and go minimalist?
5. become a movie extra - just for something interesting to do... just so I can say I did!
Yet, oddly, not the best day ever. Not a totally bad day; not the best day that got better at around 5pm. When - I think - I decided on the next step. Beginning details:
1. go to school - Academy of Learning, Hospitality Management
2. new car - Jeep Cherokee Sport, Black (my dream car of yore!)
3. get a waitressing gig - pub is hiring, senior's place is, too
4. new pad - sell most of my furniture and go minimalist?
5. become a movie extra - just for something interesting to do... just so I can say I did!
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