Bored and lonely

I went to the casino with Rob tonight. I looked hot... or I guess about as good as I get. And that question was answered. And the answer was no thanks. I didn't have a terribly good time with him anyway. I so need to get laid. I'm so sick of being alone. I need something to happen. And soon.

Merry frickin' b-day

Am I going to cry all day? 37 today... it's been a long year... one that I would really, really like to classify as highly successful and I am confident that one day I will look back at this time and know it was a wonderful thing that I did for myself but today? Is hard.

Birthday calls... fond wishes from family and friends... no, I still don't have a job... nope, no man yet... no money, still fat, stressed to the max... but put on a happy face and say the same thing over and over and over... maybe I'll unplug the phone.

And, yet, I am so lucky. So many people care about me, support me... more than I ever realized. All I had to do was open myself up to it. I feel like a terrible disappointment. Fuck. Every time I start to build myself up and think of the good, the bad smacks me in the fucking face. But these days I say to myself: it's okay, let it out, no one expects you to be half as perfect as you do, small doses of emotion are so much healthier than the extreme outbursts of days gone by.

Sigh. Chin up, Bevie, chin up. Next year you will read this with a smile, knowing that everything worked out for the best. (I hope!!!!)

You win some, you lose some (I'm going to put this down as a win)

hi bev,
thanks for your email..friends it is...now i know where your coming from..and i don't have any regrets meeting you..i really just keep to myself..friends bug me to come out and i just don't...i would rather just hang with my son.but tomorrow i guess i'm going to the foot ball game..they have a bunch of tickets..it should be fun..but you know i would rather stay home...are ya interested in watching nathan for two or three hours till his sister comes over to watch him?????if you do i'll buy ya a drink next weekend at the casino(he goes to his moms).or if ya don't i'll still buy you one...

Rinse and repeat

I wrote this email to Rob after my last post. But before I copy it here, I want to comment on the old journal and old habits. I am on October 2005 in my transposition and every day I am boo hooing about the Fabe and I kept sending him emails!! I honestly don't feel that this is the same situation but I also want to make sure that it doesn't get too similar. I will see if Rob reacts to this email and, if he doesn't, I won't contact him again... poor fella!!!

"Hi Rob:

I expect that you are quite possibly in the early stages of regretting that you ever heard of me but, before that happens, I am going to push my luck just one more time! I will thank you in advance for reading this, thinking about it and coming to terms with what I am going to tell you... hopefully in a good way but... well, I guess we will have to just wait and see.

To put it bluntly, I like you... but I feel that you may be misreading my intentions so I want to clarify a few things. I think we have already established that there are no romantic feelings between us and, in case you haven't already deduced this on your own, I want you to know that I am totally cool with that. There are plenty of fish in the sea and on the web so that is really not a factor in my communications with you anymore and, honestly, hasn't been an issue for quite some time. However, I have always had male friends (and I really like having male friends... because girls can be so irritating sometimes!! tee hee!) and one common factor in all of these relationships has been a long, drawn out period of overcoming the hurdle of the boy/girl stuff. So, I guess I am trying to jump that hurdle at warp speed by telling you that when I comment on things that we could do together, like playing Rock Band or watching a hockey game, I am not inferring or hinting that these are date things. You are a man and I am a woman but we are also just people and, as people, I simply like knowing you and hanging out with you - and Nathan, too. (you're funny and you're fun and you PLAY... do you realize how rare that is??). I am not trying to win you over with cookies or video games, I am just being myself in the only way I can.

So there. That's all. I just hate awkwardness. I hate thinking that I shouldn't say certain things because you think that I am hitting on you. It's totally cool if you didn't reply to my last emails because you are busy or indifferent or even because you just plain didn't want to. Totally cool. Trust me. I like you but (no offence!!) I can live without you. (shit, that's terrible but I didn't know how else to put it!!!). Just... if you don't want to hang out with me, that's totally your decision and totally, totally okay... but if you do want to be my friend but have hesitated because you think that I am looking for more, I simply want to assure you that I'm not. You are fun, I am fun, we have fun together... it's that simple.

Okay, that's all I wanted to say. I'm glad I got that off my chest. I never claimed to be shy but I am not always this abrupt either... I just don't know how else I am going to touch a frog again!!!!!! And I want to go zip-lining soon and, if you play your cards right, I just might invite you to come, too!

Cheers, friend"

Here's what's going on today

I love you. Did I mention that before? Man, the freedom that this blog has given me is like nothing I have ever experienced. Of course, I am different now... able to be more open and express myself but a lot of that is because I can pull out my keyboard at any given moment and work out whatever happens to be boggling my mind. So thank you. How silly, thanking an inanimate object but that's okay... I'm silly. *grin*

Okay, so there are three things that I want to talk about. Firstly, as this is of immediate importance, I hate food. I know I have always had a love/hate relationship with food but today it's mostly just hate. And not because I want what I can't have but because I don't want. I don't want to eat. I have no appetite. I had a bowl of cereal this morning because I had to stop the growling and that is the only morsel of food that has entered my body today. And I know that this is a big stumbling block in my weight-loss efforts. When this happened in the olden days, I would eat junk. I only ate junk because I had no interest in good food - if I could order it or run out and get it in five minutes or make it in ten, I would eat it. Otherwise, no thank you very much. But now these pictures are ingrained into my brain and I don't want the junk either so now I have nothing. I'm munching on an apple to try and use Ian's trick of making me eat something small so that I could get an appetite for something big... it usually works so we'll see. I need food for fuel because when I don't eat, I don't exercise and I my body will start freaking out and holding on to the fat tighter as it foresees starvation mode. Picking here and there isn't enough... and right now I would normally pick up the phone and call the local pizza joint but now that is no longer an option either. Fatty.

Judy from Big Sisters just left... we had our second meeting here - the "home visit". We had a good talk and the last hour or so was mostly her talking about her frustrations with recent problems in the organization and her impending retirement. (Basically her replacement isn't working out and she has not been able to effectively communicate the issues with the board of directors that make all of those decisions) I lost count of how many times she said that she had told me more than she should have, that it was inappropriate to discuss these things. And, yes, it is in general I guess but I have always drawn people out in this way and I assured her that the things I told her would go no further than my ears - perhaps I should have mentioned my blog! Anyway, I guess my point is that I like the fact that I draw people out in this way. I am glad that there is something about my personality that makes people trust and confide in me. It renews my faith in the path that I have been travelling.

And my third topic - surprise, surprise - is Rob. Somewhere during my conversation with Judy, I decided to email Rob and put it all out on the line. Not the crush, although I am sure that's what you are expecting. No, I want to tell him that I'm totally cool with things not going in that direction and I would still like to be friends and not feel like I am making him uncomfortable when I ask him to do things. A little, teeny thought that goes something like "should I??" pops up but the answer is yes! I won't be any further behind than I am right now and I like him... I like him as a person and that shouldn't be pushed aside just because I'm a girl and he's a boy! So, I'm gonna. I think. I will. Maybe...

S-e-x

I need to get laid, I need to be touched. It hurts... I need it so bad it actually hurts. Just now I was fantasizing about asking Fabian if he would be up for a one-nighter. Not a fuck and leave but good sex... romantic sex... foreplay... kissing... touching... his penis in my mouth. Fuck. Writing this is not helping AT ALL!!!!

Still

OMG... I still have a HUGE crush on Rob. Just in case you were wondering. ;-)

Big Sister

I had my interview with the Big Brothers/Big Sisters people today... Judy. It was supposed to last for 2 hours... after three and a half we still weren't finished! Next she comes here on Wednesday and then I get matched. They are trying to start a new program with foster children that I am really interested in but she isn't sure if it's going to fly yet. Either way, I'm glad that I am finally doing this after all this time. I have been wanting to volunteer since I moved out here.

The meeting made me wonder... why is it that every time I go to this type of thing, people are in awe or so amazed at how wonderful I am and yet I can't find a man or a fucking job? I thought that maybe it would be better if employers and men can meet me face to face because that usually seems to make a difference. I guess that's why I think that my weight is such a big issue for the dating sites but it wasn't sitting right with me. Yes, yes, I'm fat, whatever... that doesn't mean that no one will contact me. They have contacted me before but not lately so what's different?

Well, the theory that I came up with - and am currently testing - is this: perhaps I was trying too hard. All that mumbo-jumbo on my profile isn't helping... men are visual and don't really care about all that deep down stuff until later... all it was doing was turning them off or scaring them away. I started thinking that perhaps I got it backward again... I was putting too much effort into my profile but not enough effort into my job applications.

The first part of the theory is already in progress: I simply changed my profile to "This easy-going Newfie gal is looking for a funny and adventurous guy who loves kids and dogs. Sound like you? Drop me a note and say hi..." and I have already received two emails and one favourite in the half hour since I changed it! Sonofabitch, dude! Now I think I will start scouring through the boy profiles and sending notes to the ones that I like. Rejection is my middle name - I can take it like nobody's business so why not, right?

As for the jobs, tomorrow I am going to start applying for a couple of jobs that pay well but that I am not overly enthusiastic about... and I am going to ooze charm and see if I get an interview at the very least.

I'm sofaking backward all the time it blows me away!!!!!!!!!

Buns of flab

Well, those pictures are doing the job... I don't want to eat. At all. And I hate myself. That's the only way that I know to describe what I have been going through this past few days... pure hatred. Mixed with shame. And a couple of dashes of regret. What the fuck was I thinking? I fucking want some fucking chocolate. And lots of it. Mother fucker. What is going to become of me? It's not looking good at this point.

Fed up

OMG! I am so sick of this, I can't even tell you. I'm fucking bored and lonely and nobody wants to love me and nobody wants to give me a job and I'm an outsider everywhere just like I have always been for my whole fucking life. Why can't I just be like every body else? Why do I torture myself like I do? I want food. I want out. I don't know how much longer I can take this. I'm so full of shit. I'm nothing special. All of this blahg crap is a load of bullshit and I WANT OUT!

Pics with punch

Well, last night I took a couple of pictures of me in my pj's, sitting on the couch, watching tv, gut hanging out from under my shirt for all the world to see. I printed those pictures and put them on my fridge so I would see them a million times a day. I want the image of what I really look like burned into my brain so I will stop making these stupid decisions... just one more won't hurt, right?

Ugh. I have to say, I would have less respect for Rob if he liked me as I look right now. Okay, well, it's really easy to say that because it seems like he indeed does not like me in that way and I am just coming to terms with it so please excuse me.

I don't get any hits on the POF site these days, either. I wonder if I should hide my profile for a while. Just a really little while... until I get into the next pant size maybe. I just don't like anyone - except Rob - anyway. Part of me says that I should leave it up because you never know but... oh, I don't know.

I'm so sick of becoming me. I want to just be me already. I need to stop asking why. I need to stop thinking CONSTANTLY and start being or something, I don't know... just move on already. Enough, enough... I need a life again now, please.

Friends

You know, something just occurred to me. Maybe he just wants to be friends. Perhaps he really likes me but doesn't feel that there is chemistry. I think I can live with that for a while. I think I would like that for a while. I'm so damn good at being friends with my boyfriends after we break up... why not try being friends and let's just see? Sounds like an option.

Obviously I am not happy with how I look. I have said a million times that I'm only fat on the outside. I truly don't think that this is what I look like. This is a cloak, a suit, protective armour. I think that I would like to shed this armour and all the while become friends with this man that I hope so much is a part of my future. I will always leave the door open and when (okay, if) he makes a move on me it will be because he is physically attracted to me... because he feels chemistry. I feel chemistry. There is chemistry. I just need to get out of this fat suit so he can see it. It's like that movie where the girl dresses up as her brother to play soccer but falls in love with his friend. It's like Rodney finally becoming Robyn. It is letting your inside come out. It is being comfortable enough with who I am on the inside that I can let it show on the outside. My reasons for wearing this cloak are no longer valid... it's time to let go.

And reach out for a family of my own. (HOLY FUCK!!!)

Yesterday

Oh, yesterday was a good day. I went hunting for frogs! And then we went for a walk around the park and kicked a soccer ball around! And then Rob and Nathan came here for a while for some cookies!!! Oh yeah... good day.

Today? I want to see them. I want to touch Rob. I ache to touch him. I didn't say sex... I said touch, lean against, breath, kiss, touch. Oh yeah... oh yeah.

Day off

I feel a bit out of sorts today. Nothing wrong just not overly enthusiastic about anything, frustrated about this weight (so I went out and had a burger and fries with Stacey... crap), can't find a job, boring stuff, nothing new. I was laughing earlier - I'm so fucking normal now it knocks my socks off. How nice. Even the bad days are good. lol

Lessons

Karl taught me to fight.
Karl taught me that good enough wasn't good enough for me.
Karl taught me that if I keep trying to break free I will eventually succeed.
Fabian taught me to question things.
Fabian taught me to finally see that the problem was me.
Fabian taught me that if I keep trying to break free I will eventually succeed.
Ian taught me what nice meant.
Ian taught me how to accept love.
Ian taught me that if I keep trying to break free I will eventually succeed.

Now I need to learn how to give love.
I need to learn how to open myself up to someone.
I need to learn that if I don't try to break free maybe he'll wanna keep me.
And if he does want to keep me but I don't feel the same, I need to learn that it's okay to say no. This is not a commitment right now. This is not the future. This is a possibility. A very exciting, hopeful, fingers crossed, tingles in the nether regions possibility and yet only a possibility. Live on, good friend... live on.

This just in...

I am sitting here, struggling with being nice... I am struggling, fighting, pushing, pulling myself and I'm sitting here almost trying to remember which way is the right way.

So, I'll update you first... perhaps even a quick recap, just for fun!

The first time Rob emailed me was September 3rd-ish... that was a Wednesday. We chatted back and forth once or twice a day until Saturday morning and then I went to the beer festival on the island. I kept thinking about him and finally sent him a 'whut up' email on Wednesday-ish. So we chatted back and forth again until he said we should get together sometime. I replied like-when-ish and went on to comment that Stacey was here for the day. He totally backed off and did a I-didn't-mean-today-anyway stammer. (how did I not recognize those in guys before?) I said how about at practise, he said Monday or Wednesday, I said Wednesday and holy crap. So we met that Wednesday... I was there for about ninety minutes, we chatted, I freaked out but kept on smiling. Then I think I convinced myself that he wouldn't like me anyway because he's far too cute for a fat girl like me. ("no you can't join ballet... none of the boys would be able to lift you"... why did she say such terrible things?) And practise was over so we played around in the playground and I had so much fun. I'm even lol-ing as I remember... nice memory. I left the park, called Stacey on the way home - didn't even wait until I got home and could think about it for a while I was so certain - and told her unfortunately, no.

And then he emailed that night. What the heck? (my short recaps can go on for days, huh?) "Did I pass the chemistry test" he said. MELT! Too well... I asked him if he had cheat notes. So bold am I sometimes. He emailed the next day and we went back and forth a couple of times and I told him to just call me. He said he would call the next night. And he did. I felt comfortable at first and then I just... I think I was stoned so I probably just stopped paying attention. (shit, gonna have to edit that out when they turn this into a movie!) I didn't have a lot of positive feelings about that call, really... it felt strained but I don't really know why... insecurity or intuition? (only time will tell!) But then he called the next day or day after that and invited me to the aquarium the following day. I still wonder if this was too forward and overbearing... I took charge and made the plans and then I totally chickened out and said oh, shit, I think that was too forward and overbearing and the next day I was nice and present but I barely spoke to Rob. He was sweet when I broke his glove box. Um, embarrassed much? Then he paid me back for the parking but wanted me to pay my own way into the aquarium. I'm not saying anything about that because I do remember liking that at the time... I just want to record it, perhaps for future reference or whatever. He wasn't overly friendly that day... nice enough I guess... I don't know why I would say that he wasn't overly friendly, actually... he reacted when I put my hand out to help him with something a couple of times. I don't know if it was because he's just not used to the help or if he didn't like it. Hmm. Why wouldn't he like it? He jumped a little when I touched him the first time. Ugh, my heart beats a little faster when I think of being near him. How weird is that? I haven't even held his hand yet and he makes me giddy. I swear I felt, like, a current or something between us at the aquarium. Ha... that was when I backed off. He started to come closer to me and I backed off. Holy Cameron Abbot, dude. Weird. No, too hot for Cameron Abbot but same reaction. And then I stayed back. The rest of the day. Or did he pull back and start acting different? Perhaps I sensed a back peddle from him. I spent a lot of time in that car thinking that he was really quiet so that's probably why he wasn't saying much. Nathan fell asleep and we pretty much didn't speak the whole way home. I was enjoying the comfortable silence but when I looked at it from his perspective I realized that I... oops, getting a step ahead.

I don't like this part. I'm such a freak. So I send him this gushing email about how good of a father he is, no reply, no call, no nuthin'. Ugh, this is embarrassing. Then I sent him an email joke, he replied with one line, I replied with one line. And like two days later I sent a "well, your silence speaks volumes" email. That's not actually what I said to Rob but as I'm thinking about this, what I said to Fabian came into my head. Same shit, different day. But he didn't laugh at me or make me feel stupid like Fabian did... although I do remember really liking it when Fabian did it. More comfortable, perhaps? He emailed back and said your a nice person (but we'll forgive him this blunder... even my mother does it... even Sheena does it... Chelanna will never ever do it) and deserve to find a good guy, good with kids, nice stuff. Why does he keep doing that? Ian. Oh shit. You look better than your pics, I told Rob. Oh and he does but I didn't want him to know that and then put up better pics that would show how hot he is and then all the girls would want him!! Hahaha... how devious! But I had taken the romantic stuff off the table. My god, I want to rip this man's clothes off. I kid you not.

Then I sent him this email in which I poured out my heart. That was real and true. That was when I realized what I do. However, as I said to Stacey, recognizing it does not make it go away. I asked him out, he said yes (and thanks for being so open with me... sigh) and I said when and nothing. I called I think three days later, no answer, left message, no call back. I will point out, however, that I wimped out again a bit and just said it's Bev calling to say hi. That's all. I cowered. And nothing. Then I updated my profile, he sent me a note and said he liked my new pics and what was the popcorn in the picture, I replied that it was my pic and that was my super comfy couch and how was the game today and he told me about the game and asked if I found a great new job yet and said to call him if I wanted. I think I already said this stuff but I said Stacey was coming over and I would call tomorrow which is tonight and I called tonight and there was no answer and I left a message so much better than the one last week and said it's Bev, time and day, call me back if you want, bye bye. He sent a note two hours later saying that he was at the movie and just got home and was very tired so he would call tomorrow. I wrote an email saying no worries, get some rest, him falling asleep would hurt my ego or some such drivel, talk to you tomorrow. And this is where I talked myself down out of the tree and hit send.

First of all, to even convince myself to call him I started telling myself that we are worrying about right now. One phone call. That's it. No decisions have been made any further than that. When I still stalled about calling, I reminded myself that I jumped off a fricken' bridge 250ft down with a little bit of rope wrapped around my feet... I think I can manage phone call. Yes, I want him soooooooo badly but that's just going to have to wait a minute. Oh, but it's going so well! Stacey is going crazy - ask him out, when is he going to ask you out, why didn't he ask you out, did he call, you call him. Sheesh! We are night and day with this stuff. I say slow, slow... the only way this is going to work for me is slow. I need to believe that he wants me before I fall for him or I will never believe it. Actually, I don't know if that's true anymore but I'm not taking a chance. And tomorrow I will talk to him, I will have a conversation with him, I will ask him questions and I will answer his confidently and with respect and consideration of the fact that we are getting to know each other and he deserves to know who I really am, too.

So this email was driving me insane - was it too nice, too much, too forward, too kiss ass, too wrong - was it okay? How could that be? Are people that nice to each other, really? And won't that make him head for the hills? Don't men run at the first sign of... oh, I see the difference... it's the difference between being needing and needy. Yes, mars and venus. So, to make a long story short (tee hee!), I decided to be nice and I hit send. I decided that the Bev that I want to be wants to be this nice and if Rob doesn't want someone who will be this nice then I will find someone who does. I pulled away from Lyle... I watched and listened and interpreted and I decided that he wasn't for me. Yes, on paper... just what I was looking for. In reality, ah-no. And when that jeepdave guy gave me just a little grief I stepped back to allow him to do better or to allow me to save a lot of time... and he saved me a lot of time. And now Rob is somewhat in the picture again. I really like Rob, I do. I don't care what my mother says, I like him and I am going to do it openly and fully. I can only control my own behaviour and no one else's. If I am me and he doesn't want me, I am totally okay with that. Yes, it will hurt, don't be silly but I hurt with Ian, too... I felt it and I went through it and look at me now, kid. But what if I am me and he does want me. Do you understand how big that is? Have I told you before about crying at these romance movies as I thought "I will never have that" and believe it with every fibre of my being. And I accepted it. I didn't scream, yes, I will have it... I said no, that's not who I am. I argued with Ian once "I'm not the kind of person that people want to be around" and I meant it. How silly.

High fuckin' Five, baby!

Ian just left... he brought over a little gift (that I paid him for). I was laughing in my head a bit. We were having a conversation... not that I was talking and he was nodding, we were having a conversation. I get it! We were having a conversation. I was asking him questions about him, what he's up to, how he feels about things... and I was interested in his answers. Did I do that before? With anyone? I mean with anyone that I already know. This is how I talk to people that I don't know, this is why they are attracted to me. This is what I stop doing. THIS IS WHAT I HAVE BEEN DOING WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!

Ah, yes... that is the question

To call or not to call. I totally planned to call Rob tonight. At 9:35pm. It's now 9:39pm. Too stressed. Far too stressed. Far too wimpy. Crap. What should I do?????????


*** Yeah, I called. He didn't answer. Screening? Sigh. I HATE THIS!


***** Suck it the fuck up, sister.