see ME

What do you see, nurses, what do you see?
Are you thinking, when you look at me --
A crabby old woman, not very wise,
Uncertain of habit, with far-away eyes,
Who dribbles her food and makes no reply,
When you say in a loud voice -- "I do wish you'd try."

Who seems not to notice the things that you do,
And forever is losing a stocking or shoe,
Who unresisting or not, lets you do as you will,
With bathing and feeding, the long day to fill.
Is that what you're thinking, is that what you see?
Then open your eyes, nurse, you're looking at ME...

I'll tell you who I am, as I sit here so still;
As I rise at your bidding, as I eat at your will.
I'm a small child of ten with a father and mother,
Brothers and sisters, who love one another.
A young girl of sixteen with wings on her feet,
Dreaming that soon now a lover she'll meet.

A bride soon at twenty -- my heart gives a leap,
Remembering the vows that I promised to keep.
At twenty-five now I have young of my own,
Who need me to build a secure, happy home.
A woman of thirty, my young now grow fast,
Bound to each other with ties that should last.

At forty, my young sons have grown and are gone,
But my man's beside me to see I don't mourn.
At fifty once more babies play 'round my knee,
Again we know children, my loved one and me.
Dark days are upon me, my husband is dead,
I look at the future, I shudder with dread.

My young are all rearing young of their own,
And I think of the years and the love that I've known.
I'm an old woman now and nature is cruel,
'Tis her jest to make old age look like a fool.
The body is crumbled, grace and vigor depart,
There is now a stone where once I had a heart.

But inside this old carcass a young girl still dwells,
And now and again my battered heart swells.
I remember the joys, I remember the pain,
And I'm loving and living life over again.
I think of the years, all too few -- gone too fast,
And accept the stark fact that nothing can last.

So I open your eyes, nurses, open and see,
Not a crabby old woman, look closer, nurses see ME!

Sofa King

I'm sorry... I must complain a little bit... just a bit and then I will move on. I promise.

Dude. I'm sofa king bored. I'm sofa king lonely. I'm sofa king done with this.

Okay, well, the good news is that I am starting a seminar thingy with a consulting agency on Monday. They are supposed to help you find a job and I am really looking for some insight and tips on how I can convince those Amica people to hire me. And it will be a reason to get up in the morning. And there will be other people there. Ya. I'm pretty excited! Going slow but still moving forward...

Failure & Success

I went to give blood today and I was turned away. My temperature was too high (max: 37.5/me:37.9) and my blood pressure was too high (118/42). The nurse had me sit to the side for 10 minutes because she said my gum chewing probably raised my temperature and I always feel my pulse quicken as soon as they strap that black blood pressure thing around my arm. 10 minutes later - I did even worse.

So, what does that say? Why am I still here? Why did I work for almost three weeks to lose four pounds only to gain two back yesterday because I ate too much. Spite. Fuckin' spite.

The story doesn't change. Change it already! God, I am so fucking sick of this. I need a job. I need to be around people. I need structure. I need a purpose.

And yet...

it's the same story.

Beverly, yesterday's tomorrow is TODAY!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There is something else going on, too, and I have been back and forth about whether or not I want to comment on it. It's totally embarrassing but has been a part of my life forever. My shame. You don't even know me and I still can't say it. Because what if? What if someone that does know me finds this? I suck. Okay. Fuck. Just say it. Christ. I don't know if I...

Okay. I quit sucking my thumb the other day. Can you believe that? A grown woman who sucks her thumb. This is something that I have done for 38 years (and I'm only 37.5!)... since I had a thumb.

I was probably about five when I started hiding it - if not before. I remember thinking that I didn't have to quit until I was seven because that's when Cathy quit. But seven came and went. I tried to stop over the years but it was kind of like food, I guess... it was a crutch. It was a comfort. It was a habit. Eventually I just stopped trying to stop. I hid it, it was a secret (remember I told Stacey that I needed the right bed in Mexico? Because I didn't want her to wake before me and see it... I was turned the other way).

One thing that always made me laugh - but a sarcastic sad laugh instead of a laugh of pleasure - I lived with Karl for 5 YEARS and he didn't know. Fabian stayed over a million times and he didn't know. I lived with Ian for a year and he didn't know. How is that possible? No one knows except Debra and Julie; Mom and Cathy used to know but it hasn't been the subject of much conversation over the past 20 years or so.

Anyway, I stopped because I just felt it was time. And I really don't want to do it anymore - although I wonder if I am still doing it in my sleep. I will test it eventually. But I miss it. It's unbelievable how much. I crave it. I physically feel the loss.

And I'm a big fucking baby who always has an excuse. And nothing ever changes. Except now I'm a big fucking baby who has one less big fucking baby habit.

This just in...

Well, here's an interesting development. Actually, I don't know if I should call it a development - what's the opposite of that? Perhaps, here's an interesting realization. Hmmm, realization doesn't work, either. I know, I know... here's something that I have probably said a million times before. How frustrating.

I am always trying to figure out if I am too hard on myself or not hard enough. That sounds kind of weird but, as someone who has tried so hard to change the things that are wrong in my world, I seem to be missing something. Well, here's the answer: I'm not hard enough. Yes, it may be true that I used to be terribly hard on myself. I was constantly putting myself down and projecting those feelings on to everyone that I know and thinking that they were putting me down, too. I was so constantly kicking and berating and kicking and screaming. But when did I actually follow through with something? When did I really do my best? When did I put in the effort that was required to succeed in my work, in my weight loss attempts, in my relationships? Realistically? When???

Never.

But I finally realized and accepted that it's okay to not put in 100% all the time so I stopped hating myself for not doing so.


************

I stopped writing at that point because I couldn't find a way to get my point across - because I really wasn't sure what I was trying to say. I believe that if you let it go, the answer will usually come to you... just not always the answer that you expect.

Firstly, I have pms so I am crying at the drop of a hat. But good crying, mostly. Not the old depressive episode crying but empathy crying. It's driving me crazy because everything moves me but, realistically, it is a good cry. Also, I want everything right now - I am craving, craving, craving. I want to eat, I want to smoke, I want to get drunk, I want to stop the craving. But, when I look at it logically, it's really just how I am reading the signals that I am getting... which doesn't mean that I am reading them correctly. (Believe it or not, I'm not even stoned right now but I still can't seem to make a point!)

Okay, the point is - tomorrow never comes. The point is - I don't hold myself accountable. The point is - I can always find an excuse.

Am I looking for a job? Seriously? Or am I sitting here waiting for someone to give me one? Yes, I've sent out some resumes. And I really don't think that it was in any a half assed attempt for the ones that I want. I put time into my cover letters. I worked to improve my resume. I made an effort. But did I make enough of an effort? Did I do the things that I meant to do? Did I do the things that I should have done? Did I put in 100%? Did I put in 75%? How about 50%? Tomorrow I will try harder I say. But tomorrow I don't really feel like it so I will wait until tomorrow. But tomorrow I am busy and I will be busy tomorrow, too, so how about the day after tomorrow? Yes, that will work much better. Well, the day after I don't really feel like it again - I've been so busy! - I'll just do it tomorrow.

WHEN IS TOMORROW?

When do I say no fucking way - do it now! When do I say I will do it today?

The putting off theory does work in many situations. Last night it stopped me from having a Big Mac at midnight. I couldn't stop thinking about it, I wanted it. I tried to substitute, I tried to take my mind off it, I tried to talk myself out of it by remembering what I look like, by looking up the nutritional content (1110 calories!!!!!!) but nothing worked until I said, shut up and if you still want it tomorrow then just have one. And the craving went away. That was the magic trick. So tomorrow does work sometimes.

But when am I going to start exercising? Not just a bit here and there, really doing something about how I look. I want it bad enough. I have a healthy vision of who I am now. I have no excuse so I will get to it tomorrow. Oh, that's today? Well, maybe tomorrow then.

There's always a reason, always an excuse. But I don't want to be consumed by it. My all or nothing way of life was what got me here and I know that I can do better. I just don't know when.