I have decided that I will write a letter to Tom about the things that I want to tell him. I think a letter will deliver the information in a format that he can look at, think about, look at again, look at again and at least consider the possibility of the things I have to say. I want to tell him some of the things that I have learned and let him look for his own lessons in there. Hey, maybe I'm totally wrong about some of this stuff. But maybe I'm right. And maybe he can find peace, too. I shall compose the letter here because this is where I seem to express myself the best.
Here goes:
My brother,
Do you remember that poem that was framed on the living room wall when we were kids? It was called "Children Learn What They Live". I read it often and always thought that it was a very interesting concept; I have been testing and confirming the theories for most of my life. During the soul searching and personal growth that I have gone through during the past months, I turned it around on me and and looked at it backwards: this is how I am, where did I learn it? A lot of my introspection came from comparisons of the four of us kids so I guess I want to tell you what I figured out because we grew up in the same house with the same rules and, therefore, probably learned a lot of the same behaviors. And, I have to tell you, my brother, un-learning some of those behaviors has improved my life tremendously.
I am writing you a letter because I express myself much better on paper than in person. Also, so you can read what I have to say, think for a few days, then reread this and even just consider the possibility. We can talk about it if you want or not talk about it if you're not interested... it's all cool brother! I love you and I want to tell you some of the things that have made me deep down bone happy... just in case it can improve your happiness, too - take from it what you will.
Children Learn What They Live
By Dorothy Law Nolte, Ph.D.
If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn.
If children live with hostility, they learn to fight.
If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive.
If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for themselves.
If children live with ridicule, they learn to feel shy.
If children live with jealousy, they learn to feel envy.
If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty.
If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence.
If children live with tolerance, they learn patience.
If children live with praise, they learn appreciation.
If children live with acceptance, they learn to love.
If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves.
If children live with recognition, they learn it is good to have a goal.
If children live with sharing, they learn generosity.
If children live with honesty, they learn truthfulness.
If children live with fairness, they learn justice.
If children live with kindness and consideration, they learn respect.
If children live with security, they learn to have faith in themselves and in those about them.
If children live with friendliness, they learn the world is a nice place in which to live.
I don't know if I told you about some of the conversations that I had with Mom when she was here the past few times. To be continued...
Friday, May 30, 2008
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Where's the other shoe? When does it fall?
Yep. Silly, silly girl.
This is an excerpt from an email to Debra (who totally loves me, by the way... not that I ever doubted her!)
"And then CLICK! I realized what has been going on... I had continued my drama and insecurity and running away from strife from the old days even though I don't actually have those issues anymore since I started the Wellbutrin. I guess another way I could say it is that I no longer feel like I can't cope with the world... but I was still acting like i did... I continued the extreme behaviors but no longer had the extreme feelings. And that's why I was so messed up with Ian!!!
...and look how that turned out. I am not going to throw away something like that again... especially the possibility of even better... this guy wants kids (already has one), he has a job, he has a life plan!
I sat down and thought about all of the super sweet stuff that he had done and I just couldn't get away from the fact that he was everything that I have been looking for. Everything. (That just seems suspicious to me!) A couple of little quirks of course (he doesn't let his dog upstairs because he hates the fur on everything! I practically bought a wardrobe of stretchy pants so that I had a fresh pair every day with Daisy!) but no deal breaker in sight. Seriously, everything that I have been looking for is in this man - that can't be possible. A couple of them I threw on the list for fun, for shit's sake!!! He probably beats women. Boozer. Sluts around with nasty ho's!! Crap, I can't believe how messed up I was!!! Automatically look for the bad. And I never imagined that I would learn think this way and be this way and live this way! I honestly did not feel that it was possible to feel this deep down peace... this is freedom! It's messed up, dude, it's messed up! But I decided to see him again and have good thoughts and see what happens.
To make a long story short (tee hee!), he just left! I like him. I really do. And that's kinda exciting - and beyond scary but I'm gonna check out the excited side for a change... the running is getting old!"
This is an excerpt from an email to Debra (who totally loves me, by the way... not that I ever doubted her!)
"And then CLICK! I realized what has been going on... I had continued my drama and insecurity and running away from strife from the old days even though I don't actually have those issues anymore since I started the Wellbutrin. I guess another way I could say it is that I no longer feel like I can't cope with the world... but I was still acting like i did... I continued the extreme behaviors but no longer had the extreme feelings. And that's why I was so messed up with Ian!!!
...and look how that turned out. I am not going to throw away something like that again... especially the possibility of even better... this guy wants kids (already has one), he has a job, he has a life plan!
I sat down and thought about all of the super sweet stuff that he had done and I just couldn't get away from the fact that he was everything that I have been looking for. Everything. (That just seems suspicious to me!) A couple of little quirks of course (he doesn't let his dog upstairs because he hates the fur on everything! I practically bought a wardrobe of stretchy pants so that I had a fresh pair every day with Daisy!) but no deal breaker in sight. Seriously, everything that I have been looking for is in this man - that can't be possible. A couple of them I threw on the list for fun, for shit's sake!!! He probably beats women. Boozer. Sluts around with nasty ho's!! Crap, I can't believe how messed up I was!!! Automatically look for the bad. And I never imagined that I would learn think this way and be this way and live this way! I honestly did not feel that it was possible to feel this deep down peace... this is freedom! It's messed up, dude, it's messed up! But I decided to see him again and have good thoughts and see what happens.
To make a long story short (tee hee!), he just left! I like him. I really do. And that's kinda exciting - and beyond scary but I'm gonna check out the excited side for a change... the running is getting old!"
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
And just to let you know, Lyle is spelled L-Y-L-E
I had sex with Lyle last night. And this morning. I know right? Who the fuck is Lyle? He is flvgy70.
flvgy70 : LOOKING FOR THAT ONE LADY!!!!!
Wow!!!where do I start??? I don't think this box is big enough to talk about me!!!(just kidding). Well, I am a hard working, organized,romantic,clean,down to earth, honest,funny,understanding and caring guy. I work hard, but also like to spend time with family, friends,my dog, and my son(part-time).I always try to remain positive no matter what life throws my way!!!! I realize that it all starts with coffee/drink and we then go from there. I'm not in any kind of rush,but I do want that spark and everything that goes with it along the way!!!If any of this catches your interest,feel free to send a message, and I can tell you more!!! Thanks for checking out my profile!!! cheers!
He's not bad, right? It's like he read my profile and made himself out to be exactly what I am looking for. (God, it's weird noticing this stuff and just not being sure if I have really good instincts, able to sniff out the bad ones quicker than anyone ever or if I have been seriously fucked up for a long long time. Let's watch the two sides of my personality duel it out!) How sad is that? I say he "made himself out to be" like it's some kind of conspiracy. Like he read my profile and then said oh, yeah, I like her, I am going to totally fake my profile to sucker her but good. But not that I really like her, more that I want to fuck her up. (I don't know which side is going to win but it's going to be a good fight!) Seriously. My god. How sadly sad. I would cry for anyone that felt that way about themselves and I am crying for me right now. Because my next thought was "you know what really bugs me about him? How nice he is to me." (Where have I heard that before?)
He keeps his dog in the garage but he does treat her very well. (Keisha. Can you believe that? That is only the second time that I have ever heard that name for a dog. The first was Ian's.) And he's got this really weird thing about hair - like he won't let Keisha upstairs because of her fur getting all over the place and he keeps his head, chest and balls shaved... so he's obviously a lunatic. When I went to bed last night I liked him and when I woke up this morning all I wanted in the whole world was to leave... I needed to go home and when I got home I wanted to get stoned stoned stoned and sleep. (Sound familiar?) We had sex twice last night and again this morning. And he's got a fucking big dick. I had trouble sitting all day! (Since when has that been on the 'con' side of the list???) And that's all I got so far.
On the other hand? (Even generating this list in my head is pissing me off!) Remember how I said that I liked him when I went to sleep last night? Well, that was after he fucked me but good and showered with me and gave me a t-shirt and put me to bed after we watched the movie that he had already seen but I hadn't so he made me get it and he bought Strongbow because that's what I drank on our first date on Friday and he bought supper and said that he had to go to the bathroom after we ate but he actually went up to the waitress and ordered this apple crumble thing that I had mentioned. He is kind and considerate and generous and cuddly and romantic and sexual and attentive and he has a house on a quiet street and a dog, a large breed, he's got a good job but he wants to further himself, he has a son that he dotes on (when he sees him... still a ? on that), he loves his parents, he watches Family Guy and Trailer Park Boys, he's got an suv, he's bigger than I am (his t-shirt fit me like a dress!), he thinks I'm sexy, he laughs at my jokes, and last night he put his hand on the part of my body that I hate the most and said "I like this". Fuck fuck fuck!!! Holy christ, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME??????????????? (Holy christ, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME???????????????)
He called me today and left a message saying good luck with my tattoo tomorrow, he was on his way out to dinner with a friend - and he said "just to let you know, for your new heart tattoo? Lyle is spelled L-Y-L-E". (That was a joke, right??) Last night when he couldn't figure out something on his tv, he didn't flinch when I picked up the remote and fixed it. And when the dvd wasn't working, I took it out of the machine and cleaned it and it started working and not a smart ass remark to be found. He was actually quite complimentary. And we were lying on the couch and I was comfortable with him putting his arm around me (I always hated someone touching my belly). He is being upfront and straight forward about his affection for me, he asks do I like this, do I like that. He holds the door and paid for dinner but was cool in asking if I would leave the tip because he didn't have any change.
That mother fucker. He found my fucking list! Where's the camera? Am I being Punked? Is he trying to con me? I better keep my back against the wall.
I'm a fuckin' idiot. I shake my head at me. Okay, okay, I'll give him another chance. Sheesh. But it might be that I just have really, really good instincts!
flvgy70 : LOOKING FOR THAT ONE LADY!!!!!
Wow!!!where do I start??? I don't think this box is big enough to talk about me!!!(just kidding). Well, I am a hard working, organized,romantic,clean,down to earth, honest,funny,understanding and caring guy. I work hard, but also like to spend time with family, friends,my dog, and my son(part-time).I always try to remain positive no matter what life throws my way!!!! I realize that it all starts with coffee/drink and we then go from there. I'm not in any kind of rush,but I do want that spark and everything that goes with it along the way!!!If any of this catches your interest,feel free to send a message, and I can tell you more!!! Thanks for checking out my profile!!! cheers!
He's not bad, right? It's like he read my profile and made himself out to be exactly what I am looking for. (God, it's weird noticing this stuff and just not being sure if I have really good instincts, able to sniff out the bad ones quicker than anyone ever or if I have been seriously fucked up for a long long time. Let's watch the two sides of my personality duel it out!) How sad is that? I say he "made himself out to be" like it's some kind of conspiracy. Like he read my profile and then said oh, yeah, I like her, I am going to totally fake my profile to sucker her but good. But not that I really like her, more that I want to fuck her up. (I don't know which side is going to win but it's going to be a good fight!) Seriously. My god. How sadly sad. I would cry for anyone that felt that way about themselves and I am crying for me right now. Because my next thought was "you know what really bugs me about him? How nice he is to me." (Where have I heard that before?)
He keeps his dog in the garage but he does treat her very well. (Keisha. Can you believe that? That is only the second time that I have ever heard that name for a dog. The first was Ian's.) And he's got this really weird thing about hair - like he won't let Keisha upstairs because of her fur getting all over the place and he keeps his head, chest and balls shaved... so he's obviously a lunatic. When I went to bed last night I liked him and when I woke up this morning all I wanted in the whole world was to leave... I needed to go home and when I got home I wanted to get stoned stoned stoned and sleep. (Sound familiar?) We had sex twice last night and again this morning. And he's got a fucking big dick. I had trouble sitting all day! (Since when has that been on the 'con' side of the list???) And that's all I got so far.
On the other hand? (Even generating this list in my head is pissing me off!) Remember how I said that I liked him when I went to sleep last night? Well, that was after he fucked me but good and showered with me and gave me a t-shirt and put me to bed after we watched the movie that he had already seen but I hadn't so he made me get it and he bought Strongbow because that's what I drank on our first date on Friday and he bought supper and said that he had to go to the bathroom after we ate but he actually went up to the waitress and ordered this apple crumble thing that I had mentioned. He is kind and considerate and generous and cuddly and romantic and sexual and attentive and he has a house on a quiet street and a dog, a large breed, he's got a good job but he wants to further himself, he has a son that he dotes on (when he sees him... still a ? on that), he loves his parents, he watches Family Guy and Trailer Park Boys, he's got an suv, he's bigger than I am (his t-shirt fit me like a dress!), he thinks I'm sexy, he laughs at my jokes, and last night he put his hand on the part of my body that I hate the most and said "I like this". Fuck fuck fuck!!! Holy christ, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME??????????????? (Holy christ, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME???????????????)
He called me today and left a message saying good luck with my tattoo tomorrow, he was on his way out to dinner with a friend - and he said "just to let you know, for your new heart tattoo? Lyle is spelled L-Y-L-E". (That was a joke, right??) Last night when he couldn't figure out something on his tv, he didn't flinch when I picked up the remote and fixed it. And when the dvd wasn't working, I took it out of the machine and cleaned it and it started working and not a smart ass remark to be found. He was actually quite complimentary. And we were lying on the couch and I was comfortable with him putting his arm around me (I always hated someone touching my belly). He is being upfront and straight forward about his affection for me, he asks do I like this, do I like that. He holds the door and paid for dinner but was cool in asking if I would leave the tip because he didn't have any change.
That mother fucker. He found my fucking list! Where's the camera? Am I being Punked? Is he trying to con me? I better keep my back against the wall.
I'm a fuckin' idiot. I shake my head at me. Okay, okay, I'll give him another chance. Sheesh. But it might be that I just have really, really good instincts!
You too
Yeah? Well, you know what? I'm gonna keep putting my Horoscopes up when I want to, so fuck you! (The really funny thing about that is I'm talking to myself.) It blows me away. I don't know what blows me away more: that I read and somewhat believe my horoscope for the first time or that I allow myself to read and somewhat believe my horoscope for the first time.
Scorpio
October 23 - November 21
You may be experiencing a transformation in your thinking, which is bound to affect pretty much every aspect of your life, dear Scorpio. By always questioning and processing, you are working through difficult issues that require constant reshuffling of viewpoints. Feel free to open yourself up to new ways of thinking while dismissing the old ways that no longer serve you. Now is a terrific time to consider a fresh wave of thought. You will find that you become exposed to a whole new way of truth.
Scorpio
October 23 - November 21
You may be experiencing a transformation in your thinking, which is bound to affect pretty much every aspect of your life, dear Scorpio. By always questioning and processing, you are working through difficult issues that require constant reshuffling of viewpoints. Feel free to open yourself up to new ways of thinking while dismissing the old ways that no longer serve you. Now is a terrific time to consider a fresh wave of thought. You will find that you become exposed to a whole new way of truth.
Sunday, May 25, 2008
What I Believe
Do you want to know what I believe? My vision of the deep down meaning of life? What I think is going to happen in the future (and hope will happen in the future)? This is the stuff that I will tell my children. And anyone else who will listen, probably! But, no, I will do my best to live it and teach it but I don't want to preach it. This is my purpose. This is why I am special. That sounds so weird on the outside of my head. But this is what I believe.
I believe that good things are yet to come. I believe that we are all here for a reason and that life isn't random; however, I don't believe in "God" as we know it - sorry, I know I am supposed to say "Him" but I am talking about a concept, not a being. God (or who/whatever we worship) is not a physical being and never has been. Jesus - and I do believe that Jesus existed but we'll get into that later - was the "son of God". Okay, so let's look at god as a concept.
Say that all of my self discovery - my existential plight, if you will - has developed an inner peace that is so tremendous that I cannot even find words that could describe it. Say that other people throughout time have also had these realizations or epiphanies (fuckin' Moses coming to them in the burning bush or whatever - who remembers that shit? I don't really do details.) and those people could find a way to describe it. And they wanted to let everyone know about it. And then it is conceivable that many of the religions in the world started with this exact thing, the existential plight of another. So, since the beginning of time (and let's remember that time did not begin 2009 years ago, that is only how time has been measured since the life of Jesus) since the absolute beginning of time - consistent with the degree of advancement of human kind, of course - all religions or belief systems or gods or sticks or whatever anyone has worshiped as the meaning of life, the destination, the reason we exist all started exactly where I am.
Wait. As I repeat that in my head I realize that it is not translating correctly. I do not in any way think of what I have gone through and what I have learned as the beginning of some kind of religion. I do not do not, in any way, shape or form, compare myself with God or (what the hell is another person/thing that is worshiped in another religion? Fuck. I really should have paid attention in school.) anyone/thing else. I do not compare myself with Jesus. And I truly, absolutely believe that Jesus existed. I believe that he lived a basically normal life - other than the fact that he was a big hero because his mother made up some story about not doing his father and people fell for it, ha, virgin, my aunt fanny! - and that at some point he had this same kind of epiphany (I will use that term for now but it has been so much more) and told people about it - of course, him being a hero made it all seem more true and his teachings caught on.
At some point in his life, Jesus went through a metamorphosis that made him discover or learn or realize the meaning of life. And he taught it to people the best way he knew how - he lived it. He talked about it and tried to help people learn to be good. He was Jesus and he taught people how and why they should live their life to the fulfillment of our destiny/reason for living. The same thing - consistent with the degree of advancement of human kind, of course - the same exact type of thing happened an infinite number of times throughout history (this is how we have evolved as people and this is how we will continue to evolve).
So, again, I don't compare myself to Jesus or the prophets or preachers or even to David Koresh but, I guess to a degree, I do. But I do not wish to live like them (I guess it's kind of in keeping with my theory of not being paid for something that I want to do as a volunteer because it then becomes a job... we should explore that theory a little deeper some other time!). I wish to live like Mr. Braun, my ex-boyfriend's father who, in the latter years of his life, believed in God and practiced his faith... it's rare that someone would live so faithfully and not preach it. (Isn't that amazing, the impact that man had on my life? How cool is that?) So the epiphany or belief system that I will teach (and I'm sure it will change and evolve and get smaller and get bigger throughout my life) but, right at this moment, this exact moment in time, this is what I believe:
I believe that we do all have a purpose. I believe that we are all here for a reason and I do believe in some form of heaven, but we will not die to get there. I believe in life. I believe that every person in every life makes an impact on others and those people make an impact on other people who then make an impact on other people, to varying degrees, of course. One concept of this - same concept as a religion - has been "pay it forward". As far as I know right now, this is the closest thing to my theory; not what I believe will happen in the end, but rather how we will get there. Pay it forward has long since been an idea of doing a good turn. In church we would shake the hand of the person next to us. Pay it forward is more a concept of, when someone does a good deed for you, instead of repaying the person who did the good deed, you would do a good deed for someone else, who would do for someone else and so on and so on. And I believe this will happen, it will take a while to circle the planet obviously but we're talking long term goals here.
I believe - and let's remember that I'm thinking in thousands of years - that we will pay it forward to utopia. I believe that, if I do good things for others and live the best life that I can live and share my belief system (I'm not interested in being Gandi or something), I will teach others to do the same. I am starting a pay it forward in life. This fire in me that I have been trying to smother for so long is good, and I will share it with others. It's good to be a hard worker, it's good to be nice to others, it's good to do more and experience more and be the best person that you can be, whatever that is for you. It's good to have children that can continue to improve the next generation who will have children in the next generation. Because, as more and more people are able to do that, more and more people will find their utopia, until everyone finds it. And then we will live in heaven - before death, not instead of death.
I think that might be why I believe in reincarnation but not the evil kind. I believe that souls are recycled and improved until they get it right and that is how we will get heaven. Heaven will be on earth and we will try and try and try until we get it right. And everyone will be happy, no matter what they look like or where they come from or what size of house or penis or bank account they have. There would have to still be drama though, huh? Just to keep it interesting. The bad drama and the good drama, too, though, more good drama! Love and loss. We will continue to evolve and improve and advance in every way - physically, mentally, technologically, spiritually, every way.
I would compare it to a video game. There are levels and stages and you go as far as you can and then the characters die and you start again and you get better. As you advance through the levels you learn directions and new ways to do things, thus more levels, thus more directions and new ways! And, in my estimation, the best way to play a video game is to poke around and do as much as you can in each level. You get more points and those points help you continue on and, this is how I want to live my life, getting the points is the best part... that's where the fun is... that's why it's important that we do it as good as we can.
Exactly where all this is going, I cannot be so presumptuous as to even think I could have an accurate guess. I can see each level that exists in my lifetime, if you consider a generation is a level, but after that, the next stage, is a whole other game. I think most people feel that the points are money and, to a degree, they are probably right but only in that, in the final stage (that could possibly be infinite), there will be no such thing as poor or ugly or stupid. There will be no such thing.
Let's consider that for a moment. The lessons that I learned as a child were quite good - every one is equal. I took that as everyone is the same but that is not accurate. The only way that everyone is the same is that everyone is different. Everyone gets to think different, and look different, we have different lives, different experiences, we learn different lessons and we take different things from the lessons that we have in common. And of that different, all of that will evolve. And eventually there will be heaven. On earth. Fuck, that is far too deep. Also fucking awesome. Also what I will teach my children, what I will work for and what I will live. The concept of an eventual utopia for everyone. Yeah.
I believe that good things are yet to come. I believe that we are all here for a reason and that life isn't random; however, I don't believe in "God" as we know it - sorry, I know I am supposed to say "Him" but I am talking about a concept, not a being. God (or who/whatever we worship) is not a physical being and never has been. Jesus - and I do believe that Jesus existed but we'll get into that later - was the "son of God". Okay, so let's look at god as a concept.
Say that all of my self discovery - my existential plight, if you will - has developed an inner peace that is so tremendous that I cannot even find words that could describe it. Say that other people throughout time have also had these realizations or epiphanies (fuckin' Moses coming to them in the burning bush or whatever - who remembers that shit? I don't really do details.) and those people could find a way to describe it. And they wanted to let everyone know about it. And then it is conceivable that many of the religions in the world started with this exact thing, the existential plight of another. So, since the beginning of time (and let's remember that time did not begin 2009 years ago, that is only how time has been measured since the life of Jesus) since the absolute beginning of time - consistent with the degree of advancement of human kind, of course - all religions or belief systems or gods or sticks or whatever anyone has worshiped as the meaning of life, the destination, the reason we exist all started exactly where I am.
Wait. As I repeat that in my head I realize that it is not translating correctly. I do not in any way think of what I have gone through and what I have learned as the beginning of some kind of religion. I do not do not, in any way, shape or form, compare myself with God or (what the hell is another person/thing that is worshiped in another religion? Fuck. I really should have paid attention in school.) anyone/thing else. I do not compare myself with Jesus. And I truly, absolutely believe that Jesus existed. I believe that he lived a basically normal life - other than the fact that he was a big hero because his mother made up some story about not doing his father and people fell for it, ha, virgin, my aunt fanny! - and that at some point he had this same kind of epiphany (I will use that term for now but it has been so much more) and told people about it - of course, him being a hero made it all seem more true and his teachings caught on.
At some point in his life, Jesus went through a metamorphosis that made him discover or learn or realize the meaning of life. And he taught it to people the best way he knew how - he lived it. He talked about it and tried to help people learn to be good. He was Jesus and he taught people how and why they should live their life to the fulfillment of our destiny/reason for living. The same thing - consistent with the degree of advancement of human kind, of course - the same exact type of thing happened an infinite number of times throughout history (this is how we have evolved as people and this is how we will continue to evolve).
So, again, I don't compare myself to Jesus or the prophets or preachers or even to David Koresh but, I guess to a degree, I do. But I do not wish to live like them (I guess it's kind of in keeping with my theory of not being paid for something that I want to do as a volunteer because it then becomes a job... we should explore that theory a little deeper some other time!). I wish to live like Mr. Braun, my ex-boyfriend's father who, in the latter years of his life, believed in God and practiced his faith... it's rare that someone would live so faithfully and not preach it. (Isn't that amazing, the impact that man had on my life? How cool is that?) So the epiphany or belief system that I will teach (and I'm sure it will change and evolve and get smaller and get bigger throughout my life) but, right at this moment, this exact moment in time, this is what I believe:
I believe that we do all have a purpose. I believe that we are all here for a reason and I do believe in some form of heaven, but we will not die to get there. I believe in life. I believe that every person in every life makes an impact on others and those people make an impact on other people who then make an impact on other people, to varying degrees, of course. One concept of this - same concept as a religion - has been "pay it forward". As far as I know right now, this is the closest thing to my theory; not what I believe will happen in the end, but rather how we will get there. Pay it forward has long since been an idea of doing a good turn. In church we would shake the hand of the person next to us. Pay it forward is more a concept of, when someone does a good deed for you, instead of repaying the person who did the good deed, you would do a good deed for someone else, who would do for someone else and so on and so on. And I believe this will happen, it will take a while to circle the planet obviously but we're talking long term goals here.
I believe - and let's remember that I'm thinking in thousands of years - that we will pay it forward to utopia. I believe that, if I do good things for others and live the best life that I can live and share my belief system (I'm not interested in being Gandi or something), I will teach others to do the same. I am starting a pay it forward in life. This fire in me that I have been trying to smother for so long is good, and I will share it with others. It's good to be a hard worker, it's good to be nice to others, it's good to do more and experience more and be the best person that you can be, whatever that is for you. It's good to have children that can continue to improve the next generation who will have children in the next generation. Because, as more and more people are able to do that, more and more people will find their utopia, until everyone finds it. And then we will live in heaven - before death, not instead of death.
I think that might be why I believe in reincarnation but not the evil kind. I believe that souls are recycled and improved until they get it right and that is how we will get heaven. Heaven will be on earth and we will try and try and try until we get it right. And everyone will be happy, no matter what they look like or where they come from or what size of house or penis or bank account they have. There would have to still be drama though, huh? Just to keep it interesting. The bad drama and the good drama, too, though, more good drama! Love and loss. We will continue to evolve and improve and advance in every way - physically, mentally, technologically, spiritually, every way.
I would compare it to a video game. There are levels and stages and you go as far as you can and then the characters die and you start again and you get better. As you advance through the levels you learn directions and new ways to do things, thus more levels, thus more directions and new ways! And, in my estimation, the best way to play a video game is to poke around and do as much as you can in each level. You get more points and those points help you continue on and, this is how I want to live my life, getting the points is the best part... that's where the fun is... that's why it's important that we do it as good as we can.
Exactly where all this is going, I cannot be so presumptuous as to even think I could have an accurate guess. I can see each level that exists in my lifetime, if you consider a generation is a level, but after that, the next stage, is a whole other game. I think most people feel that the points are money and, to a degree, they are probably right but only in that, in the final stage (that could possibly be infinite), there will be no such thing as poor or ugly or stupid. There will be no such thing.
Let's consider that for a moment. The lessons that I learned as a child were quite good - every one is equal. I took that as everyone is the same but that is not accurate. The only way that everyone is the same is that everyone is different. Everyone gets to think different, and look different, we have different lives, different experiences, we learn different lessons and we take different things from the lessons that we have in common. And of that different, all of that will evolve. And eventually there will be heaven. On earth. Fuck, that is far too deep. Also fucking awesome. Also what I will teach my children, what I will work for and what I will live. The concept of an eventual utopia for everyone. Yeah.
Friday, May 23, 2008
Can I quit?
As happens with the gushing of love unrequited, the aftermath of somber moments stretches on and on.
Hmmm, that was kinda poetic! So, can I quit him, too? Like smoking and the chocolate and chips? Just take it off the table. Make the answer no, not maybe, not someday, just no. Can I do that? Does it work the same? I don't mean go all boo hooing and saying shit like "I have to let you go" crap; just do it. And I don't mean never talking to him or seeing him but just accepting the fact that it's over and not running toward temptation at record speeds. Drop in for 2 minutes, not hop on the couch and start cuddling with my beautiful Daisy-duke. She's not mine anymore, he's not mine anymore. I guess it just takes time and patience... but I'm doing it and I'm getting it right. I am. I know it.
Hmmm, that was kinda poetic! So, can I quit him, too? Like smoking and the chocolate and chips? Just take it off the table. Make the answer no, not maybe, not someday, just no. Can I do that? Does it work the same? I don't mean go all boo hooing and saying shit like "I have to let you go" crap; just do it. And I don't mean never talking to him or seeing him but just accepting the fact that it's over and not running toward temptation at record speeds. Drop in for 2 minutes, not hop on the couch and start cuddling with my beautiful Daisy-duke. She's not mine anymore, he's not mine anymore. I guess it just takes time and patience... but I'm doing it and I'm getting it right. I am. I know it.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
A visit from my evil twin
I went to Ian's. Just got back. I know, I'm a little too happy about it!!! I like being too happy about stuff... it's awesome! As I was walking down there I was thinking, yes, I know Mom is right and I know that I need to get over him but I also know that I am getting over him. I am not pining over him. I think about him less and less. But sometimes. Just sometimes. I cheat a little tiny bit. It's my chocolate. A bi-weekly indulgence into what could have been.
She's there. He says that she isn't moving in but she's there. She does his cleaning and she mows his lawn. She sucks on his penis and she pets his dog. That's mine! All of it is mine and I hate her for taking it! I hate her! Fucking skinny, fucking bitch with the ready-made family that I can't offer him. He has reclaimed his Mr. Mom life and it looks good on him. I wish he loved me. I do. I do. I wish I wish I wish. I don't think I have ever allowed myself to say that before - before I found the walls, I mean. It makes me cry but mostly it makes me happy. I can love. I can. I believe. I finally believe. And I want him back.
I was giggling to myself that I am now blatantly pursuing a man who is in another relationship. I don't care. I want him and I have to try. How could I forgive myself if I didn't try? And, again, I know that, as I continue to get closer to other men I will get further away from him. And I can accept that if that's what needs to happen. I know things will turn out right in the long run but right now I feel that I have to follow my instincts - that is why things turn out in the long run, isn't it?
I love him. I just love being around him. He's so fucking funny. I was talking to my dad today and thinking how sad it is that Dad now reminds me of Ian instead of the other way around. I think my dad has potential to be like Ian other than in humor, too. I think that my dad is the same kind of soft hearted, gentle person but he never learned that it was okay. When he brought me to the emergency room after my motorcycle accident when I was 16, he turned away when tears came to his eyes because he didn't want me to see. How fucking sad is that? He pushed me away when I needed him the most because he thought that it was worse for me to see him cry than to pull away from a hug when I cried; sad that I read it as rejection, proof.
That's what Ian does for me. Ian holds me... okay, past tense. Poop. Ian held me when I cried. His problem was that I wasn't able to let him because my dad taught me that it was better to reject him. It is wrong to show emotion. We aren't allowed to do that. Ian reached out his hand to help me and I pushed him away because my mom taught me, not only that I could do anything, but also that I had to do everything.
Oh sigh. I wonder if any cute boy has sent me an email since I've been gone. (See? It's working... just as I knew it would, just as I know it will. Evil twin be gone!! I rock!)
She's there. He says that she isn't moving in but she's there. She does his cleaning and she mows his lawn. She sucks on his penis and she pets his dog. That's mine! All of it is mine and I hate her for taking it! I hate her! Fucking skinny, fucking bitch with the ready-made family that I can't offer him. He has reclaimed his Mr. Mom life and it looks good on him. I wish he loved me. I do. I do. I wish I wish I wish. I don't think I have ever allowed myself to say that before - before I found the walls, I mean. It makes me cry but mostly it makes me happy. I can love. I can. I believe. I finally believe. And I want him back.
I was giggling to myself that I am now blatantly pursuing a man who is in another relationship. I don't care. I want him and I have to try. How could I forgive myself if I didn't try? And, again, I know that, as I continue to get closer to other men I will get further away from him. And I can accept that if that's what needs to happen. I know things will turn out right in the long run but right now I feel that I have to follow my instincts - that is why things turn out in the long run, isn't it?
I love him. I just love being around him. He's so fucking funny. I was talking to my dad today and thinking how sad it is that Dad now reminds me of Ian instead of the other way around. I think my dad has potential to be like Ian other than in humor, too. I think that my dad is the same kind of soft hearted, gentle person but he never learned that it was okay. When he brought me to the emergency room after my motorcycle accident when I was 16, he turned away when tears came to his eyes because he didn't want me to see. How fucking sad is that? He pushed me away when I needed him the most because he thought that it was worse for me to see him cry than to pull away from a hug when I cried; sad that I read it as rejection, proof.
That's what Ian does for me. Ian holds me... okay, past tense. Poop. Ian held me when I cried. His problem was that I wasn't able to let him because my dad taught me that it was better to reject him. It is wrong to show emotion. We aren't allowed to do that. Ian reached out his hand to help me and I pushed him away because my mom taught me, not only that I could do anything, but also that I had to do everything.
Oh sigh. I wonder if any cute boy has sent me an email since I've been gone. (See? It's working... just as I knew it would, just as I know it will. Evil twin be gone!! I rock!)
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Horoscope
Scorpio
October 23 - November 21
Some enlightening conversations could take place today with a partner, dear Scorpio, possibly romantic, possibly career-related. New methods of operation could come to your attention, possibly involving modern technology that could speed up the process and increase your income. However, bear in mind that some of what you're hearing about may not be feasible for a while, and other ideas may never be practicable. Remember to remain objective and check out all the facts.
I think I might be a life coach!! How crazy would that be??????????
October 23 - November 21
Some enlightening conversations could take place today with a partner, dear Scorpio, possibly romantic, possibly career-related. New methods of operation could come to your attention, possibly involving modern technology that could speed up the process and increase your income. However, bear in mind that some of what you're hearing about may not be feasible for a while, and other ideas may never be practicable. Remember to remain objective and check out all the facts.
I think I might be a life coach!! How crazy would that be??????????
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Mamma Mia
Mother fucker... I know now why that phrase found it's place in the world. Is there anyone more difficult to deal with? Once my absolute hero and friend; now my greatest tormentor. She knows just what to say to hurt me, she can cut me off at the knees and, during this trip, I pointed it out to her, every single time. Probably not the nicest thing to do but... how do you say 'too fucking bad' in french? Why? I thought that word a million times while she was here. Why does she treat me this way?
Now, before I get into this, I want you to understand that I truly love my mother. She was a great inspiration to me when I was growing up and I really did idolize her. She has opened her home and changed the lives of so many people I have lost count. She is a good person and she gets involved. The problem is, I guess, that she doesn't stop bitching and complaining about it. She's got a major 'poor me' syndrome. It's sad, actually; I don't remember her being like that when I was younger - then again, maybe that's how she guilt-ed me into being her devoted servant (my endearing nickname was Cinderella). A lot of the bad stuff about me came from her but a lot of the good stuff did, too. (odd... it just came to me how it must be for her to lose her biggest fan. Rough. I never really thought of that before.) She raised me in her image; a Patsy 2.0, if you will. However, she didn't see this little bump in the road, this absolute belief in all of the things she said, good and bad - and that it would eventually come back to bite her on the ass.
Luckily she said good things. She told me that everyone was equal, she took me to church and taught me to believe in a love that was greater than even hers, she was a go-getter, a person people looked up to, and I wanted nothing more than to be her. Unfortunately, although I realize that she had to have learned this part of her personality, too, she was mean. Not in the traditional way of being mean, though. She didn't scream, she didn't fight; she was aloof, detached, uninterested and difficult to please. She doesn't believe in showing emotion, she views it as weak (sound familiar?). She taught me that everyone was equal, even God thought so, and yet she was quick to point out the flaws in everyone, including, and especially, me.
We were all sitting here talking the other night, all us girls in the family. Every time someone told a memory about me as a child, Mom said "really? I don't remember that at all". She doesn't remember any of it. Because she wasn't there; she did not see me. And, before I go any further, obviously that kind of thing isn't enough to even talk about in itself, but there is more.
On Saturday night we had a chick party, including karaoke. We were up dancing around, singing, being silly. Debra was hilarious, definitely 'on'; I was pretty funny, too, if I do say so myself! But to me, and to me only, she did that fucking tsk tsk tsk thing that she does. (there is a very entertaining entry about the subject in January 2006... but I'm not that far into my transposing yet so you have to wait!) Tsk tsk tsk, now Bev. What? Now Bev what? No more having fun? No more showing emotion, even if it's pleasure? Did I seem like I was having such a good time that she needed to pull me back? Why was it was okay for Debra to have a good time but not me? I even pointed out that she singled me out because she doesn't believe that she does it. In front of everyone, I cried fowl. Exactly, right there, this is what I'm talking about. I don't get why she does it or when it's coming so I can't even avoid it. No matter what I do and no matter what I did I got tsk tsk tsk, shake shake shake. She cuts me off at the knees; I'm having fun so she feels that she must intervene and make it stop. Why?
So, earlier that day, we dropped off a case of beer for Ian because he didn't charge for looking at the computer that Debra was giving to mom. And she was there, the other woman. lol. It got me down a bit. I have been quite open with my loved ones about my lingering feelings for Ian and I have also been quite proud of letting myself have the feelings and for having them out loud. Anyway, while we were watching the movie, Stacey and I were joking around and addressing the actors as your boyfriend or my boyfriend. I really love my boyfriend, James Marsden. And at some point I jokingly replied to something that someone said about Ian and sarcastically addressed him as my boyfriend, Ian. And then I laughed. She looked at me, all disgusted, and said "oh, get over it". Shortly after, old habits die hard and all, I went into my room because I got a bit teary... it was hard to watch a sappy chick movie while all I can think about is seeing another woman in my kitchen and know that she was spending time with my man and playing with my dog in a way that I no longer can, and to top it all off, my mother was sitting next to me telling me to stop having these feelings. Mom comes in and starts saying stuff like I needed to get over it, oh crap I don't remember, she just was telling me that my reaction to my upset was wrong, that it was wrong to be upset at all, stuff it down, it will go away, just stuff. Here, have a fucking cookie.
I feel the need to point out that I'm not saying that this was abuse, I'm not saying that it was any worse than anyone else's childhood and I recognize and absolutely give thanks for what I have and what I had; I'm saying that this is how a part of my personality that I do not like was formed and I am learning from it so that I can learn a better way. Cathy said that her memories of being a kid and watching mom bake was sitting up to the counter on a stool and how it was such a special bonding time. My memories of watching mom were 'if you want to help then stay out of the way'. Once she was baking a batch of cookies and they looked so good and she told me that I wasn't allowed to have one but if I lost 20 pounds she would bake me a batch all for myself (I was about 7 or 8). On lazy afternoons when I was a kid, my dad and I would be downstairs and he would put on some music and I would dance, believing that I was a beautiful ballerina, as is every girl's dream. One day, after an especially amazing dancing session when I knew that I had been gifted with an obvious natural talent, I ran upstairs to my mom and asked her if I could take ballet lessons. She said "you are too fat, none of the boys will be able to lift you". She said, no, you are too fat and none of the boys will be able to lift you. Can you even believe that a mother would say such a mean thing to her child? We were talking once a couple of years ago and, when I told her that story, she laughed and thought it was a funny thing to say. Yeah, that's how I felt, too. What a funny, funny thing to say to your chubby daughter.
Oh, please, Mother, tell me another of your wonderful 'when I was your age' stories, tell me again how you were always out of town, always at a party, never home in the day, evening, weekend. Oh, what an amazing life she had! I remember that, too. I was at home - raising her child, doing the laundry and the dishes and the cooking. I had to come home directly after school every day to babysit, when I was old enough to get a job like my sister and brother did, I was not allowed because she wanted me to be available at all times in case she needed a babysitter. When Debra was sick, she took me out of school to watch her. Did I ever tell you that I started babysitting at the age of 9? It was okay because I was very mature, she says. The next time you see a 9 year old, imagine leaving her alone in your home with your infant child... how is it possible that any 9 year old is that mature? Maybe it did work out for the best though, I was already half trained when Debra came into the world. But I'm not bitter. lol. She went on and on the other day about how she believes that it's so much more important to be with a child during their teen years than it is to be with them as toddlers. That is when they need the most guidance. What about me? Is she saying that she realizes the mistakes that she made? I honestly don't know, but I doubt it.
Last night I showed her and Cathy my personals profile. She said "you put a picture of you and Debra there? Everyone will want to date her instead." She does not hurt me anymore with these comments but she sure can surprise me with them. Was that an absolutely necessary thing to say to your daughter who is obviously dealing with the rejection of a man that she loves but is trying to pull herself up and find a better life? Mother fucker!!!!!!!!!! Told ya. The inspiration. However, this time I turned to her and asked her why she was so mean, if she was trying to hurt my feelings or perhaps I had done something to her so terrible that she felt that she had to say things like that. Well, apparently, I must have some low self esteem if a simple joke like that hurt my feelings. I wonder why, Mom. I wonder why. A little later she was saying to Cathy something that she thought I would get so upset about - something that would not upset me in the very tiny least - and I turned to her and said "you don't know me at all". And she doesn't. And that, if nothing else, gives me peace.
Now, before I get into this, I want you to understand that I truly love my mother. She was a great inspiration to me when I was growing up and I really did idolize her. She has opened her home and changed the lives of so many people I have lost count. She is a good person and she gets involved. The problem is, I guess, that she doesn't stop bitching and complaining about it. She's got a major 'poor me' syndrome. It's sad, actually; I don't remember her being like that when I was younger - then again, maybe that's how she guilt-ed me into being her devoted servant (my endearing nickname was Cinderella). A lot of the bad stuff about me came from her but a lot of the good stuff did, too. (odd... it just came to me how it must be for her to lose her biggest fan. Rough. I never really thought of that before.) She raised me in her image; a Patsy 2.0, if you will. However, she didn't see this little bump in the road, this absolute belief in all of the things she said, good and bad - and that it would eventually come back to bite her on the ass.
Luckily she said good things. She told me that everyone was equal, she took me to church and taught me to believe in a love that was greater than even hers, she was a go-getter, a person people looked up to, and I wanted nothing more than to be her. Unfortunately, although I realize that she had to have learned this part of her personality, too, she was mean. Not in the traditional way of being mean, though. She didn't scream, she didn't fight; she was aloof, detached, uninterested and difficult to please. She doesn't believe in showing emotion, she views it as weak (sound familiar?). She taught me that everyone was equal, even God thought so, and yet she was quick to point out the flaws in everyone, including, and especially, me.
We were all sitting here talking the other night, all us girls in the family. Every time someone told a memory about me as a child, Mom said "really? I don't remember that at all". She doesn't remember any of it. Because she wasn't there; she did not see me. And, before I go any further, obviously that kind of thing isn't enough to even talk about in itself, but there is more.
On Saturday night we had a chick party, including karaoke. We were up dancing around, singing, being silly. Debra was hilarious, definitely 'on'; I was pretty funny, too, if I do say so myself! But to me, and to me only, she did that fucking tsk tsk tsk thing that she does. (there is a very entertaining entry about the subject in January 2006... but I'm not that far into my transposing yet so you have to wait!) Tsk tsk tsk, now Bev. What? Now Bev what? No more having fun? No more showing emotion, even if it's pleasure? Did I seem like I was having such a good time that she needed to pull me back? Why was it was okay for Debra to have a good time but not me? I even pointed out that she singled me out because she doesn't believe that she does it. In front of everyone, I cried fowl. Exactly, right there, this is what I'm talking about. I don't get why she does it or when it's coming so I can't even avoid it. No matter what I do and no matter what I did I got tsk tsk tsk, shake shake shake. She cuts me off at the knees; I'm having fun so she feels that she must intervene and make it stop. Why?
So, earlier that day, we dropped off a case of beer for Ian because he didn't charge for looking at the computer that Debra was giving to mom. And she was there, the other woman. lol. It got me down a bit. I have been quite open with my loved ones about my lingering feelings for Ian and I have also been quite proud of letting myself have the feelings and for having them out loud. Anyway, while we were watching the movie, Stacey and I were joking around and addressing the actors as your boyfriend or my boyfriend. I really love my boyfriend, James Marsden. And at some point I jokingly replied to something that someone said about Ian and sarcastically addressed him as my boyfriend, Ian. And then I laughed. She looked at me, all disgusted, and said "oh, get over it". Shortly after, old habits die hard and all, I went into my room because I got a bit teary... it was hard to watch a sappy chick movie while all I can think about is seeing another woman in my kitchen and know that she was spending time with my man and playing with my dog in a way that I no longer can, and to top it all off, my mother was sitting next to me telling me to stop having these feelings. Mom comes in and starts saying stuff like I needed to get over it, oh crap I don't remember, she just was telling me that my reaction to my upset was wrong, that it was wrong to be upset at all, stuff it down, it will go away, just stuff. Here, have a fucking cookie.
I feel the need to point out that I'm not saying that this was abuse, I'm not saying that it was any worse than anyone else's childhood and I recognize and absolutely give thanks for what I have and what I had; I'm saying that this is how a part of my personality that I do not like was formed and I am learning from it so that I can learn a better way. Cathy said that her memories of being a kid and watching mom bake was sitting up to the counter on a stool and how it was such a special bonding time. My memories of watching mom were 'if you want to help then stay out of the way'. Once she was baking a batch of cookies and they looked so good and she told me that I wasn't allowed to have one but if I lost 20 pounds she would bake me a batch all for myself (I was about 7 or 8). On lazy afternoons when I was a kid, my dad and I would be downstairs and he would put on some music and I would dance, believing that I was a beautiful ballerina, as is every girl's dream. One day, after an especially amazing dancing session when I knew that I had been gifted with an obvious natural talent, I ran upstairs to my mom and asked her if I could take ballet lessons. She said "you are too fat, none of the boys will be able to lift you". She said, no, you are too fat and none of the boys will be able to lift you. Can you even believe that a mother would say such a mean thing to her child? We were talking once a couple of years ago and, when I told her that story, she laughed and thought it was a funny thing to say. Yeah, that's how I felt, too. What a funny, funny thing to say to your chubby daughter.
Oh, please, Mother, tell me another of your wonderful 'when I was your age' stories, tell me again how you were always out of town, always at a party, never home in the day, evening, weekend. Oh, what an amazing life she had! I remember that, too. I was at home - raising her child, doing the laundry and the dishes and the cooking. I had to come home directly after school every day to babysit, when I was old enough to get a job like my sister and brother did, I was not allowed because she wanted me to be available at all times in case she needed a babysitter. When Debra was sick, she took me out of school to watch her. Did I ever tell you that I started babysitting at the age of 9? It was okay because I was very mature, she says. The next time you see a 9 year old, imagine leaving her alone in your home with your infant child... how is it possible that any 9 year old is that mature? Maybe it did work out for the best though, I was already half trained when Debra came into the world. But I'm not bitter. lol. She went on and on the other day about how she believes that it's so much more important to be with a child during their teen years than it is to be with them as toddlers. That is when they need the most guidance. What about me? Is she saying that she realizes the mistakes that she made? I honestly don't know, but I doubt it.
Last night I showed her and Cathy my personals profile. She said "you put a picture of you and Debra there? Everyone will want to date her instead." She does not hurt me anymore with these comments but she sure can surprise me with them. Was that an absolutely necessary thing to say to your daughter who is obviously dealing with the rejection of a man that she loves but is trying to pull herself up and find a better life? Mother fucker!!!!!!!!!! Told ya. The inspiration. However, this time I turned to her and asked her why she was so mean, if she was trying to hurt my feelings or perhaps I had done something to her so terrible that she felt that she had to say things like that. Well, apparently, I must have some low self esteem if a simple joke like that hurt my feelings. I wonder why, Mom. I wonder why. A little later she was saying to Cathy something that she thought I would get so upset about - something that would not upset me in the very tiny least - and I turned to her and said "you don't know me at all". And she doesn't. And that, if nothing else, gives me peace.
Friday, May 9, 2008
Free By Faith Hill Lyrics
I had it tough when I was just a little kid
It didn't matter what I thought
It didn't matter what I did
I felt the doubt for what I lacked right from the start
It did a number on my head but it could never touch my heart
'Cause I had just enough imagination
Just enough to keep the faith
That somehow I would think of what to do
When I'd get lost in a momentary weakness of emotion
All the Angels came around to help me through
Life pulls fast changes
Wind blows past pages
All I see is I don't need this
High strung tightrope walk
Ticking time bomb clock
Scratch my name off
Cut these chains
Chorus:
I'm free...Kicking out of that prison
I am free...Singing those words of wisdom
Let it be...Nobody's gonna put the blues inside of me
And in the stress to be the best I've done it all
I've slammed the doors I've jammed the locks
I've laid the bricks, I've built the walls
No one could tell me back then why joy eluded me
Kept bumping into that misery
Locked up deep down inside of me
Took that rage and I
Turned that page and I
Packed my tools, went back to school
And I passed my graduation, and I hold my Ph.D.
In crash test blues I paid those dues
(Chorus)
Time flies by in photographs and paper scraps and songs
Here I stand in ruby slippers, three times takes me home
(Chorus)
It didn't matter what I thought
It didn't matter what I did
I felt the doubt for what I lacked right from the start
It did a number on my head but it could never touch my heart
'Cause I had just enough imagination
Just enough to keep the faith
That somehow I would think of what to do
When I'd get lost in a momentary weakness of emotion
All the Angels came around to help me through
Life pulls fast changes
Wind blows past pages
All I see is I don't need this
High strung tightrope walk
Ticking time bomb clock
Scratch my name off
Cut these chains
Chorus:
I'm free...Kicking out of that prison
I am free...Singing those words of wisdom
Let it be...Nobody's gonna put the blues inside of me
And in the stress to be the best I've done it all
I've slammed the doors I've jammed the locks
I've laid the bricks, I've built the walls
No one could tell me back then why joy eluded me
Kept bumping into that misery
Locked up deep down inside of me
Took that rage and I
Turned that page and I
Packed my tools, went back to school
And I passed my graduation, and I hold my Ph.D.
In crash test blues I paid those dues
(Chorus)
Time flies by in photographs and paper scraps and songs
Here I stand in ruby slippers, three times takes me home
(Chorus)
Thursday, May 8, 2008
And
how am I ever going to have a good relationship with anyone if I can't even let them send me a stupid cyber bear on plentyoffish?? Beverly, my dear, give the good ones a chance! Stop rolling your eyes and smarten up!!!! =)
A few thoughts for posterity
I had a few thoughts today while I was waiting for my computer reboot - fuckin' piece of crap computer!!
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I thought I was a bitch when I wasn't and
I thought I wasn't a bitch when I was
Things I wouldn't do:
limp (I thought it showed weakness)
phone anyone that wouldn't recognize my voice
do things without reminding everyone how amazing I was
answer the phone if I didn't feel bright and chipper
tell anyone negative things about me
tell anyone positive things about them (that one is not
totally true but there are definitely times!)
I wasn't quiting ___________ (enter appropriate lesson/activity here)
I was letting me down (just like I knew I would
I let him down, too, because I didn't know any better)
Ah ha! And sometimes I quit because I just didn't believe in me
and, if I couldn't believe in me, I couldn't believe in him
And I would watch people that did the things that I wanted to do but
quite confidently thought that I would never do
and just accepted that I could not do those things
and got mad when anyone else suggested otherwise
Poor Cathy, she can only tolerate so much of this good attitude (it's actually kind
of entertaining, poor fella!) She says: yes, yes, I get you, yes, that's exactly
how I felt, too, but, no, I think, I said it right because, I did it this way, me,
me, me, STOP!
I thought that no one could love me
if they saw inside,
then I showed Ian what I was inside
and proved I was right,
he didn't like me at all...
So I wondered why he didn't like me
and took my head out of the sand and
finally realized that it was because
I wasn't nice to him
because I wasn't nice to me
and, as I learned to be nice to me,
I became nicer to others, too
When I was getting stoned with Ian all the time I was happy
but I thought that I was happy because I was stoned all the time
so I stopped getting stoned
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I thought I was a bitch when I wasn't and
I thought I wasn't a bitch when I was
Things I wouldn't do:
limp (I thought it showed weakness)
phone anyone that wouldn't recognize my voice
do things without reminding everyone how amazing I was
answer the phone if I didn't feel bright and chipper
tell anyone negative things about me
tell anyone positive things about them (that one is not
totally true but there are definitely times!)
I wasn't quiting ___________ (enter appropriate lesson/activity here)
I was letting me down (just like I knew I would
I let him down, too, because I didn't know any better)
Ah ha! And sometimes I quit because I just didn't believe in me
and, if I couldn't believe in me, I couldn't believe in him
And I would watch people that did the things that I wanted to do but
quite confidently thought that I would never do
and just accepted that I could not do those things
and got mad when anyone else suggested otherwise
Poor Cathy, she can only tolerate so much of this good attitude (it's actually kind
of entertaining, poor fella!) She says: yes, yes, I get you, yes, that's exactly
how I felt, too, but, no, I think, I said it right because, I did it this way, me,
me, me, STOP!
I thought that no one could love me
if they saw inside,
then I showed Ian what I was inside
and proved I was right,
he didn't like me at all...
So I wondered why he didn't like me
and took my head out of the sand and
finally realized that it was because
I wasn't nice to him
because I wasn't nice to me
and, as I learned to be nice to me,
I became nicer to others, too
When I was getting stoned with Ian all the time I was happy
but I thought that I was happy because I was stoned all the time
so I stopped getting stoned
Do as you're told
This is what they said:
Scorpio
October 23 - November 21
Give your loved ones the attention they need today, dear Scorpio. Don't let another day go by without telling them that you love them. Life is short, and getting shorter with each passing day. Feel free to be confrontational about a serious issue that needs to be addressed. You are responsible for your own feelings. Do not play the role of the victim. You will only experience more pain and resentment later on.
This is what I said:
Hi sister:
You are sitting across from me right now, on the phone with John. Cathy, I don't mean to seem like I am trying to tell you what to do. Obviously, I don't even have kids so I am way behind where you are. You are a fantastic mother; I don't think you realize just how much! However, as we all know, I spend most of my time trying to figure out where things went wrong and how things should be different in the future and I want to share with you the things that I have felt and the things that I have learned so that you can go forward with more knowledge and perhaps a better idea of what your children are going through.
First of all, I know that all of those times that Dad made me go out when I was a kid was him trying to make things better for me. I don't know if things would have been different if he didn't try to make me go out but what I do know is that going out became a punishment to me and, as in every other area of my life, I thought I was wrong all the time. I can't tell you the difference that could have come from them just putting their arms around me and telling me they love me and I was good because it didn't happen. Mom thought it was best to leave me all by myself in my bedroom and be frustrated with me when I came out and Dad just got pissed off. I know now that they were worried but, as far as I was concerned, I could melt into the floor and it wouldn't make a bit of difference. The way they treated me during those times didn't help, Cathy, it made it worse. I know what people saw on the outside but I hated myself my whole life. Actually, no, the reason that I spent so much time alone is because that was the only time that I was okay to be myself. I thought I was fun to be around but I absolutely believed without a doubt that everyone else would think that I was crap if they got to know what I was really like.
I felt that I was wrong all the time. Everything that I did was wrong. The times that I acted out and got into trouble - and, trust me, I got into a lot more trouble than Mom and Dad ever knew about - I was wrong. No one said you are good, or it's okay to be different, or I love you, I am proud of who you are. You know these things because you lived it, too. But I will tell you a little story about what caused me to lash out against you when I lived with you after high school. And I will preface this by saying that I know that you were going through stuff, too, I know that you were newly married and newly pregnant and trying to find your way in the world and I was your little sister who seemed determined to make things more difficult. I know all of these things but what I am trying to tell you is what I was going through and how your words translated inside my brain.
I was having a super day. For whatever reason, I woke up and the sun was shining outside and inside, too. You and Gerard were gone to work and I decided that, to make up for some of the assholeness that I had been pushing on you (and I honestly, honestly did not know why I acted that way or where it was coming from) I would clean up. And I cleaned and I cleaned. I put on the Depeche Mode cd and rocked out and I felt so good, I wanted to make you smile. You came home - and listen to this because I know it wasn't intentional but this is what you did - you walked in, might have given me a nod of approval, then you went into the bathroom. When you came out you said "what? you couldn't clean under the toilet seat?". You didn't say thank you, or good job, or what a surprise, you really made my day - you told me what I did wrong without ever telling me what I did right. I spent the whole day cleaning because I wanted to show you that I loved you and I was sorry for being so difficult and you put me down. And let me reemphasize that I am not telling you this to hurt your feelings or to make you feel bad. As an adult, and knowing what I know now, I realize that you weren't trying to hurt me but you did.
I honestly believe that when kids act out they are trying to tell you something that they can't put into words. And they are looking for attention, they are looking for love and they are looking for boundaries. Don't you remember being a teenager? How you felt out of place, how no one seemed to understand you, how you just couldn't seem to win sometimes? Yes, give them a punishment but give them love, too. Tell them that you get it because they don't get it yet, they are just trying to find their way and figure out who they are. Tell them that their transgressions will be punished but you love them, they are good. Let them know that they are right sometimes (and I don't mean the big times like when they get a good mark or graduate from high school), just in general.
Sorry, I will stop now. I know it's not my place to tell you how to raise your children and obviously you know what is going on in your household better than I do. But I love you and I love your children and I want to give you the benefit of some of my soul searching. Because I think I figured out a lot of valuable stuff and all of the pain that I went through has to have been for something!!
I love you and I am always here to talk. And I will always think that you are doing an awesome job raising your kids because, as difficult as their teenage years are and will be, they are good people and they are going to turn out well. But I will also always try to show you a different view point in the hope that it might help all of you a little bit.
xxx
Scorpio
October 23 - November 21
Give your loved ones the attention they need today, dear Scorpio. Don't let another day go by without telling them that you love them. Life is short, and getting shorter with each passing day. Feel free to be confrontational about a serious issue that needs to be addressed. You are responsible for your own feelings. Do not play the role of the victim. You will only experience more pain and resentment later on.
This is what I said:
Hi sister:
You are sitting across from me right now, on the phone with John. Cathy, I don't mean to seem like I am trying to tell you what to do. Obviously, I don't even have kids so I am way behind where you are. You are a fantastic mother; I don't think you realize just how much! However, as we all know, I spend most of my time trying to figure out where things went wrong and how things should be different in the future and I want to share with you the things that I have felt and the things that I have learned so that you can go forward with more knowledge and perhaps a better idea of what your children are going through.
First of all, I know that all of those times that Dad made me go out when I was a kid was him trying to make things better for me. I don't know if things would have been different if he didn't try to make me go out but what I do know is that going out became a punishment to me and, as in every other area of my life, I thought I was wrong all the time. I can't tell you the difference that could have come from them just putting their arms around me and telling me they love me and I was good because it didn't happen. Mom thought it was best to leave me all by myself in my bedroom and be frustrated with me when I came out and Dad just got pissed off. I know now that they were worried but, as far as I was concerned, I could melt into the floor and it wouldn't make a bit of difference. The way they treated me during those times didn't help, Cathy, it made it worse. I know what people saw on the outside but I hated myself my whole life. Actually, no, the reason that I spent so much time alone is because that was the only time that I was okay to be myself. I thought I was fun to be around but I absolutely believed without a doubt that everyone else would think that I was crap if they got to know what I was really like.
I felt that I was wrong all the time. Everything that I did was wrong. The times that I acted out and got into trouble - and, trust me, I got into a lot more trouble than Mom and Dad ever knew about - I was wrong. No one said you are good, or it's okay to be different, or I love you, I am proud of who you are. You know these things because you lived it, too. But I will tell you a little story about what caused me to lash out against you when I lived with you after high school. And I will preface this by saying that I know that you were going through stuff, too, I know that you were newly married and newly pregnant and trying to find your way in the world and I was your little sister who seemed determined to make things more difficult. I know all of these things but what I am trying to tell you is what I was going through and how your words translated inside my brain.
I was having a super day. For whatever reason, I woke up and the sun was shining outside and inside, too. You and Gerard were gone to work and I decided that, to make up for some of the assholeness that I had been pushing on you (and I honestly, honestly did not know why I acted that way or where it was coming from) I would clean up. And I cleaned and I cleaned. I put on the Depeche Mode cd and rocked out and I felt so good, I wanted to make you smile. You came home - and listen to this because I know it wasn't intentional but this is what you did - you walked in, might have given me a nod of approval, then you went into the bathroom. When you came out you said "what? you couldn't clean under the toilet seat?". You didn't say thank you, or good job, or what a surprise, you really made my day - you told me what I did wrong without ever telling me what I did right. I spent the whole day cleaning because I wanted to show you that I loved you and I was sorry for being so difficult and you put me down. And let me reemphasize that I am not telling you this to hurt your feelings or to make you feel bad. As an adult, and knowing what I know now, I realize that you weren't trying to hurt me but you did.
I honestly believe that when kids act out they are trying to tell you something that they can't put into words. And they are looking for attention, they are looking for love and they are looking for boundaries. Don't you remember being a teenager? How you felt out of place, how no one seemed to understand you, how you just couldn't seem to win sometimes? Yes, give them a punishment but give them love, too. Tell them that you get it because they don't get it yet, they are just trying to find their way and figure out who they are. Tell them that their transgressions will be punished but you love them, they are good. Let them know that they are right sometimes (and I don't mean the big times like when they get a good mark or graduate from high school), just in general.
Sorry, I will stop now. I know it's not my place to tell you how to raise your children and obviously you know what is going on in your household better than I do. But I love you and I love your children and I want to give you the benefit of some of my soul searching. Because I think I figured out a lot of valuable stuff and all of the pain that I went through has to have been for something!!
I love you and I am always here to talk. And I will always think that you are doing an awesome job raising your kids because, as difficult as their teenage years are and will be, they are good people and they are going to turn out well. But I will also always try to show you a different view point in the hope that it might help all of you a little bit.
xxx
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
1st Profile - don't think I like it
So, I guess this is kind of a sales pitch, huh? I am marketing me. Not the most comfortable feeling in the world but, obviously, comfortable isn't giving me what I am looking for. It's time to try a little bit of discomfort and see where it leads me.
If I had to describe myself in three words I would have to say: genuine, friendly and happy (I also have to give funny an honorable mention but humour is kind of subjective... I laugh at my jokes all the time but that doesn't mean that you will!). I live every day as if it were on purpose and I see silver linings everywhere.
Does it really matter what kind of movies I like? If I tell you that my favorite color is red, would you think less of me? If I told you that my favorite color isn't red, would you accuse me of lying? (Because sometimes it's blue.) Sometimes I like to get adventurous in the kitchen but sometimes there is nothing better than a good batch of KD. My home is usually quite neat but I am just as content when it looks like my dorm room used to. I'd like to win a million dollars but winning $10 on a scratch ticket is enough to make my day.
These things just don't matter to me. What matters is that I am happy and that the people around me are happy. I never underestimate the power of a smile, a kind word or gesture. It only takes a moment to make someone's day a little brighter and the best part is it makes my day a little brighter, too. The difficult part here is that I would much rather live it than talk about it.
Obviously, life isn't all sunshine and roses but I think I am pretty fun to be around - the feedback has been positive so far! I am a hard worker and a quick thinker. I am outspoken and not shy by anyone's standards. I cannot listen to music without singing, I tell terrible jokes and sometimes I talk just a little too much but I love my life and I think it shows!
If I had to describe myself in three words I would have to say: genuine, friendly and happy (I also have to give funny an honorable mention but humour is kind of subjective... I laugh at my jokes all the time but that doesn't mean that you will!). I live every day as if it were on purpose and I see silver linings everywhere.
Does it really matter what kind of movies I like? If I tell you that my favorite color is red, would you think less of me? If I told you that my favorite color isn't red, would you accuse me of lying? (Because sometimes it's blue.) Sometimes I like to get adventurous in the kitchen but sometimes there is nothing better than a good batch of KD. My home is usually quite neat but I am just as content when it looks like my dorm room used to. I'd like to win a million dollars but winning $10 on a scratch ticket is enough to make my day.
These things just don't matter to me. What matters is that I am happy and that the people around me are happy. I never underestimate the power of a smile, a kind word or gesture. It only takes a moment to make someone's day a little brighter and the best part is it makes my day a little brighter, too. The difficult part here is that I would much rather live it than talk about it.
Obviously, life isn't all sunshine and roses but I think I am pretty fun to be around - the feedback has been positive so far! I am a hard worker and a quick thinker. I am outspoken and not shy by anyone's standards. I cannot listen to music without singing, I tell terrible jokes and sometimes I talk just a little too much but I love my life and I think it shows!
Monday, May 5, 2008
Personals
I have decided that it is time to start dating... not necessarily looking for love but practicing for it and being open to it when it does come. I love Ian but he is gone. I do not intend to exclude him from my life in any way but it's time to start living, time to start being the person that I have struggled so hard to find. I have no idea where I will end up but I am excited to find out where this path leads me.
I have tried internet dating before but I only skirted the edge of it. Fabian contacted me the day after I set up my profile in 2002 (because I said I was a Newfie and he is too) and, during the ups and downs of my love life since, I have done little more than chat with a stranger once or twice. I was frustrated that people were never who they seemed to be but hindsight shows that I wasn't who I seemed to be, either. And so, grain of salt in hand, this woman is ready to try again.
Now for the hard part - the profile. I struggled to find the right words for hours last night and I went to bed thinking that, if I am having this much trouble with it, maybe I am not ready. Morning came with the realization that I am ready, I am just having trouble expressing these new ideas without sounding like a preacher. I guess I should just keep it light and happy; bogging people down with the depth of my values and ideals will do nothing but alienate myself from the fun people that I am trying to connect with. The people who I want to meet seem to be good by instinct; few seem to analyze themselves as I do.
So, what do I want to say? How would it come out if I were to write a letter to him, the one?
I think the biggest issue right now is that I don't look like me yet. That sounds kind of funny but I'm a big girl... on the outside.
I have tried internet dating before but I only skirted the edge of it. Fabian contacted me the day after I set up my profile in 2002 (because I said I was a Newfie and he is too) and, during the ups and downs of my love life since, I have done little more than chat with a stranger once or twice. I was frustrated that people were never who they seemed to be but hindsight shows that I wasn't who I seemed to be, either. And so, grain of salt in hand, this woman is ready to try again.
Now for the hard part - the profile. I struggled to find the right words for hours last night and I went to bed thinking that, if I am having this much trouble with it, maybe I am not ready. Morning came with the realization that I am ready, I am just having trouble expressing these new ideas without sounding like a preacher. I guess I should just keep it light and happy; bogging people down with the depth of my values and ideals will do nothing but alienate myself from the fun people that I am trying to connect with. The people who I want to meet seem to be good by instinct; few seem to analyze themselves as I do.
So, what do I want to say? How would it come out if I were to write a letter to him, the one?
I think the biggest issue right now is that I don't look like me yet. That sounds kind of funny but I'm a big girl... on the outside.
Sunday, May 4, 2008
Every now and then
Sometimes I catch myself thinking about Ian and I realize that all I want to do is be in his arms. Literally. I want to sit on the couch or lay in the bed and I want him to hold me. I miss him, I miss him. (I wonder why I can accept that he is with someone else yet still love him, he obviously doesn't love me. I guess one really has little to do with the other after all.)
I am going out for a beer with Vicki today. She is Ian's best friend's wife. She is also a friend of Linda's and, I think, the person who introduced them so many years ago. Vicki and I are friends, too, but we have never socialized without the men. I am looking forward to it. Vicki is genuinely Vicki. She does not apologize for being herself. I like that. I keep thinking of things that I want to say and things that I don't want to say. I guess I will have to wait and see what comes out after a beer or two! I do know that whatever I say could get back to Ian - and most likely will. That could be really really good. Or really really bad.
Also, I emailed Ian's mom the other day and offered to mow her lawn - she recently had surgery. Honestly, these things have nothing to do with Ian. I mean, I guess they have something to do with him because I met Marg and Vicki through him but I like them and I want to spend time with them and it has little to do with how I feel about him. Actually, it's the opposite of my normal behavior but I get to choose without worry of doing something wrong now. And that, my friend, is my little piece of freedom.
I am going out for a beer with Vicki today. She is Ian's best friend's wife. She is also a friend of Linda's and, I think, the person who introduced them so many years ago. Vicki and I are friends, too, but we have never socialized without the men. I am looking forward to it. Vicki is genuinely Vicki. She does not apologize for being herself. I like that. I keep thinking of things that I want to say and things that I don't want to say. I guess I will have to wait and see what comes out after a beer or two! I do know that whatever I say could get back to Ian - and most likely will. That could be really really good. Or really really bad.
Also, I emailed Ian's mom the other day and offered to mow her lawn - she recently had surgery. Honestly, these things have nothing to do with Ian. I mean, I guess they have something to do with him because I met Marg and Vicki through him but I like them and I want to spend time with them and it has little to do with how I feel about him. Actually, it's the opposite of my normal behavior but I get to choose without worry of doing something wrong now. And that, my friend, is my little piece of freedom.
Saturday, May 3, 2008
This is a copy of an email that I just wrote to a girl that I went to high school with, Nicole. I don't know if I will send it to her or not - I barely knew the girl and I gave her my life story! Either way, I thought I would put a copy here so that you can see that my life hasn't only been about whining and complaining (although it would be hard to tell if you read the rest of my posts!)
*********
Hi Nicole!
I was just picking through my messages - sorry, I thought I replied to your last message as soon as I got it. I guess it goes to show that I am losing my mind, just as I suspected!
The Duran Duran concert was last week. It was okay, not as good as last time. My friend and I saw them about 4 years ago and we were acting like a couple of 13 year olds! So much fun. For this tour, however, I think someone thought it would be a great idea to charge a right arm to get in the door and no one showed up. [They were charging $115 a ticket and some poor scalper sold a ticket in the 7th row for a measly $10 the night of the concert!!] Sometimes just realizing the dream is enough; maybe I shouldn't have tried to go back to sleep and have the same dream again!!
How are you doing? I am so fantastic - I think I might be having a mid-life crisis early or something! I have been living here in Langley, BC for twelve years now! Wow, so long! I am about 45 minutes outside of Vancouver so I get the beauty of the mountains from my patio without all the traffic and I get to take in all of the perks that living in Vancouver provides. I met a guy shortly after I moved here and we lived together for 5 years but I left him and bought myself a condo for a 30th birthday gift when I realized that I hadn't done half of the stuff that I had planned to do before I was 30 and it was time to get it done!
What a time I have been having, Nicole! I have been to a billion concerts and shows and movie festivals, I went bungee jumping a couple of years ago, I took a ride in a hot air balloon, I have screamed from every roller coaster that I could find, I took horseback riding lessons (after I was thrown from a skittish horse a year before!), guitar lessons, I learned to swim and went wake-boarding, I flew a float plane, cross-country skied, the list can go on and on. (Wow, I've never laid it all out like that before - what a life!) To fund all of this fun, I had a bookkeeping company for a few years and eventually went to work full time for one of my customers and ended up managing his company (to the tune of about 70 hours of work a week!) after sales increased over 200% in a year - oh, the power of infomercials!
Tom (and his ex-girlfriend who has been my single - bff - in - crime!) moved here from Calgary about 8 years ago and my younger sister, Debra, is a pharmacist on Vancouver Island (about 3 hours away) so it has been nice having family close by. And, for the gravy, Tom is an aircraft mechanic for Westjet so Mom and Dad get to travel for next to nothing. Mom is here on her third visit in less than a year! She and Cathy are staying at Debra and her boyfriend's in Victoria for a couple of days so I have the weekend to myself.
Needless to say, I have sucked the life out of this single life that turned into a work-a-holic life. I fell head over heals for an old boyfriend in 2006 and we lived together for about a year - now that's a story I will have to tell you sometime! When I ran away like a coward last summer and moved back into my condo, I took a good look at my life and decided that it was time for a change. I quit my job and here I am! Bored - and having so much fun! I have no idea what I am going to do with the rest of my life but I'm looking at everything that I can think of. Mom says that I should do something that I have a real knack for - like talking (obviously I am a long winded storyteller... you are living it right now!!). I am going to take the summer off and spend my summer gardening and mowing lawns for some local seniors who are unable to do it themselves. I am also going to Newfoundland for my dad's 65th birthday party and my nephew will be coming to stay with me for a few weeks - Cathy has two boys, 16 and 18 and it's the younger nephew that is coming. I also want to conquer roller blading but I'm not sure how much my butt will put up with! Hopefully at some point I will figure out what I want to do when I grow up, fall in love and start a family. I have no idea what life has in store for me next but I'm pretty excited to find out!
Sorry, I tend to go on and on. Apparently, finding myself translates into talking endlessly and it was your turn to be pummeled with it!! Haha! So, what about you? Don't worry - I don't expect you to write a book like I did (although I would love to read it)! You have a family and that takes a lot of time. Your little boy is such a little doll! (Oh, I also just found out that I have one of those biological clock thingys that everyone has been telling me about since I was 18... and alarms are going off all over the place!!)
Hope you have a great weekend, Nicole! It's good to be in touch!
Bev
*********
Hi Nicole!
I was just picking through my messages - sorry, I thought I replied to your last message as soon as I got it. I guess it goes to show that I am losing my mind, just as I suspected!
The Duran Duran concert was last week. It was okay, not as good as last time. My friend and I saw them about 4 years ago and we were acting like a couple of 13 year olds! So much fun. For this tour, however, I think someone thought it would be a great idea to charge a right arm to get in the door and no one showed up. [They were charging $115 a ticket and some poor scalper sold a ticket in the 7th row for a measly $10 the night of the concert!!] Sometimes just realizing the dream is enough; maybe I shouldn't have tried to go back to sleep and have the same dream again!!
How are you doing? I am so fantastic - I think I might be having a mid-life crisis early or something! I have been living here in Langley, BC for twelve years now! Wow, so long! I am about 45 minutes outside of Vancouver so I get the beauty of the mountains from my patio without all the traffic and I get to take in all of the perks that living in Vancouver provides. I met a guy shortly after I moved here and we lived together for 5 years but I left him and bought myself a condo for a 30th birthday gift when I realized that I hadn't done half of the stuff that I had planned to do before I was 30 and it was time to get it done!
What a time I have been having, Nicole! I have been to a billion concerts and shows and movie festivals, I went bungee jumping a couple of years ago, I took a ride in a hot air balloon, I have screamed from every roller coaster that I could find, I took horseback riding lessons (after I was thrown from a skittish horse a year before!), guitar lessons, I learned to swim and went wake-boarding, I flew a float plane, cross-country skied, the list can go on and on. (Wow, I've never laid it all out like that before - what a life!) To fund all of this fun, I had a bookkeeping company for a few years and eventually went to work full time for one of my customers and ended up managing his company (to the tune of about 70 hours of work a week!) after sales increased over 200% in a year - oh, the power of infomercials!
Tom (and his ex-girlfriend who has been my single - bff - in - crime!) moved here from Calgary about 8 years ago and my younger sister, Debra, is a pharmacist on Vancouver Island (about 3 hours away) so it has been nice having family close by. And, for the gravy, Tom is an aircraft mechanic for Westjet so Mom and Dad get to travel for next to nothing. Mom is here on her third visit in less than a year! She and Cathy are staying at Debra and her boyfriend's in Victoria for a couple of days so I have the weekend to myself.
Needless to say, I have sucked the life out of this single life that turned into a work-a-holic life. I fell head over heals for an old boyfriend in 2006 and we lived together for about a year - now that's a story I will have to tell you sometime! When I ran away like a coward last summer and moved back into my condo, I took a good look at my life and decided that it was time for a change. I quit my job and here I am! Bored - and having so much fun! I have no idea what I am going to do with the rest of my life but I'm looking at everything that I can think of. Mom says that I should do something that I have a real knack for - like talking (obviously I am a long winded storyteller... you are living it right now!!). I am going to take the summer off and spend my summer gardening and mowing lawns for some local seniors who are unable to do it themselves. I am also going to Newfoundland for my dad's 65th birthday party and my nephew will be coming to stay with me for a few weeks - Cathy has two boys, 16 and 18 and it's the younger nephew that is coming. I also want to conquer roller blading but I'm not sure how much my butt will put up with! Hopefully at some point I will figure out what I want to do when I grow up, fall in love and start a family. I have no idea what life has in store for me next but I'm pretty excited to find out!
Sorry, I tend to go on and on. Apparently, finding myself translates into talking endlessly and it was your turn to be pummeled with it!! Haha! So, what about you? Don't worry - I don't expect you to write a book like I did (although I would love to read it)! You have a family and that takes a lot of time. Your little boy is such a little doll! (Oh, I also just found out that I have one of those biological clock thingys that everyone has been telling me about since I was 18... and alarms are going off all over the place!!)
Hope you have a great weekend, Nicole! It's good to be in touch!
Bev
Friday, May 2, 2008
Anne Murray
I went over to Ian's tonight! I sent him an email asking when I can pick up my camera and if I could take Daisy for a walk sometime on the weekend. He can come, too, I said. =) He emailed me right back and told me to come over. And I did.
I can't believe that this is what love is like. I was sitting here this evening and I thought - is this right? Do people really feel like this? Am I stoned?? And then I laughed. Do you know why I left him? I could never pin point the moment but I knew there was a moment. It was the day that I was so happy, so so happy... I (there are tears streaming down my cheeks, by the way) I stopped and thought 'it must be because we are stoned all of the time; I probably should stop smoking pot and get over it.' One would think that I should have been happy that I was happy. Or realized that I was lucky to have him. Or realized that I loved him. Or that I was content. Or that it was okay to be happy, it was okay to love him and it was okay to let him love me. No. Don't be silly. I convinced myself that it was all a farce and I ran away. Silly girl.
Anywho, I had fun tonight. Daisy is sofa king gorgeous it kills me. I don't think you can really grasp how beautiful she is. Best dog EVER! Her name should be Chester!! (Reference: 'The Kid' movie) And, you know what? There's just something about him, too, and I think that we should be together. I love him. I love him. I am going to fight for him. I am going to win him. Enough of that 'he has to win me' crap. If that's what I have to do, I am going to win him. I am not going to be fake, I am going to be my genuine self and he will love me again, too. Or he will not. But I really feel that I need to do this.
Her tooth brush was there. And she mowed the lawn. And I know that I will either get him back or I will get over him and find someone else. I am truly going to allow myself to love him. I am not going to stalk him but I am going to spend time with him. I want him to get to know me. I think he saw this person long before I acknowledged the possibility. I think he should be allowed to make an informed decision. And I think that I need to trust that I will know when to leave. I need to learn to read clues but not take every little thing as a clue. I need to not look for him to want me to leave. No matter what else, he likes to spend time with me. And I like to spend time with him. And I love him. I really do.
Oh, Anne Murray. Sorry, I forgot. I started to say that I was sitting here wondering if people actually feel this way or am I just stoned (haha!). Anne Murray was on tv when I was at Ian's and I was singing and remembering. Daddy's little girl memory. They are the best kind. Anyway, I put on my Anne Murray cd when I got home and she's talking about loving some guy and it's a healthy love and she sings about him being there in some songs and not being there in others but in every song she loves him and is baring her soul. And mine.
I can't believe that this is what love is like. I was sitting here this evening and I thought - is this right? Do people really feel like this? Am I stoned?? And then I laughed. Do you know why I left him? I could never pin point the moment but I knew there was a moment. It was the day that I was so happy, so so happy... I (there are tears streaming down my cheeks, by the way) I stopped and thought 'it must be because we are stoned all of the time; I probably should stop smoking pot and get over it.' One would think that I should have been happy that I was happy. Or realized that I was lucky to have him. Or realized that I loved him. Or that I was content. Or that it was okay to be happy, it was okay to love him and it was okay to let him love me. No. Don't be silly. I convinced myself that it was all a farce and I ran away. Silly girl.
Anywho, I had fun tonight. Daisy is sofa king gorgeous it kills me. I don't think you can really grasp how beautiful she is. Best dog EVER! Her name should be Chester!! (Reference: 'The Kid' movie) And, you know what? There's just something about him, too, and I think that we should be together. I love him. I love him. I am going to fight for him. I am going to win him. Enough of that 'he has to win me' crap. If that's what I have to do, I am going to win him. I am not going to be fake, I am going to be my genuine self and he will love me again, too. Or he will not. But I really feel that I need to do this.
Her tooth brush was there. And she mowed the lawn. And I know that I will either get him back or I will get over him and find someone else. I am truly going to allow myself to love him. I am not going to stalk him but I am going to spend time with him. I want him to get to know me. I think he saw this person long before I acknowledged the possibility. I think he should be allowed to make an informed decision. And I think that I need to trust that I will know when to leave. I need to learn to read clues but not take every little thing as a clue. I need to not look for him to want me to leave. No matter what else, he likes to spend time with me. And I like to spend time with him. And I love him. I really do.
Oh, Anne Murray. Sorry, I forgot. I started to say that I was sitting here wondering if people actually feel this way or am I just stoned (haha!). Anne Murray was on tv when I was at Ian's and I was singing and remembering. Daddy's little girl memory. They are the best kind. Anyway, I put on my Anne Murray cd when I got home and she's talking about loving some guy and it's a healthy love and she sings about him being there in some songs and not being there in others but in every song she loves him and is baring her soul. And mine.
Martyr
So, I'm sitting here, minding my own business, got a good little buzz on the go, having a good time and I'm thinking 'yeah, I don't need him! I don't even want him! Right, me? I am so much better off without him. He used to drive me... um, well, he... I didn't like his driving... yeah, that would have pissed me off after a while. Sheesh. Yeah! Yeah, I can't think of anything else bad to say - except that he doesn't want to be with me.' And I've had this exact conversation with myself a million times. The next thought is 'yeah, but I want to be with him and I would appreciate him and I would be different... I know I would.' What I don't know is if different me would want to be with him. You get my point? I'm so different inside... will that different woman also want him??? I think yes. I can't get past it. I think yes. It occurred to me the other day that it's too bad. Too bad for Ian that he will not reap the fruit of his labor. I think he would have really liked my fruit. I think he would.
And I kind of figured something out that has been bugging me - I've been thinking that, yes, I was terrible before I moved out. And, obviously, my moving out was a mean mean thing to do. But I wasn't like that in the fall, I thought that I was mostly kind and generous. However, I did pick up on the fact that he didn't seem to warm to me much that last time. It kind of didn't make sense. Yes, maybe he just wouldn't let himself get attached and he jumped the gun when he wouldn't call me after the ski fight. It made sense but it didn't feel right. Yesterday I thought - and even said to Mom and Cath - maybe it was because when I learned to let out the good stuff, the bad stuff that I wanted to say came out, too.
As we all know, the bad stuff turned out to be just a copy (actually watered down version!) of the things that I said to myself and once I realized that and learned to be nice to me I became nice to everyone else, too. Ian doesn't know that Bev.
You know I am finally the person that I always wanted to be?????????? Do you understand what that means? This person has been in here struggling her way out for about 30 years. I've been stomping and pushing her down, I have been pissed that she wouldn't go away, I have denied her, I have punished her, I have hated her. Most of all, I have hated her. And right now I think that I have found the key to being happy for the REST OF MY LIFE!! Can you grasp how big that is to me? I always said that I was only fat on the outside. Translate that and I was saying that I am a fat girl on the outside but a skinny girl on the inside. I am in there. And I'm still fat and I love me!!! Look at the fat girl... she conquered the demons, defeated the enemy, won the battle. Oh, the irony. THE FUCKING IRONY. I love irony.
If there has to be a downside I would have to say it's the preaching. I am having a bit of difficulty getting off my back when it comes to being nice to people. Second guessing, doubt, should I have said that, should I have done that. It drives me crazy but I just want everyone to know what I have learned. And maybe I can make a difference in someone's life. Like Sheena and Melissa and that woman at the bottle depot and Marla and Colin. Maybe there is just something about me. Maybe there is something special about me. Maybe I should just shut up and enjoy being the one who gets to start the pay it forward. Holy fuck, I am proud of me. I am so proud of me. I love me. And I'm still fat!
Ha. And I hit the post button and then I thought about the other day when I sarcastically told them about how everyone always says the 'there's just something about you, Bev', disbelieving tone included, confident that people say that to everyone. They looked at me because they didn't know what I was talking about. Could it be that it's not a common thing to be told? [Could it be the same as my theory that I didn't have to feel flattered by a good work evaluation because they had to be nice. I know none of them liked me but they had to say something nice, pat on the back blah, blah, blah. Let me tell you: I have been a supervisor, I have been a manager, they weren't just being nice. I was good. Very good. I just have my own way and it's not the same as everyone else's way. And that's okay. It's better than okay. It's good. Very good. lol Fuckin' Guy Smiley, dude!]
Stacey and I were talking the other night about my ex-boyfriend, Rod, from high school who is now a woman and married to a woman. (Yes, I will say it again: my ex boy friend is now a woman. And she, being my ex-boyfriend, married a woman.) I tell Stacey that I always knew Rod was not gay, it wasn't possible. I went out with Paul, too - he was gay it turns out so I could tell the difference in hind sight. I had sex with Rod in university and he rocked my world! But he felt that he was a woman on the inside. So I guess that does make him gay but as a lesbian not a fag. I thought that was a pretty reasonable take on the situation... made perfect sense to me. But she says that she has no idea what the hell I'm talking about, that she's all for a person doing whatever they wanted but she will never understand it, she will never get it.
And I kind of figured something out that has been bugging me - I've been thinking that, yes, I was terrible before I moved out. And, obviously, my moving out was a mean mean thing to do. But I wasn't like that in the fall, I thought that I was mostly kind and generous. However, I did pick up on the fact that he didn't seem to warm to me much that last time. It kind of didn't make sense. Yes, maybe he just wouldn't let himself get attached and he jumped the gun when he wouldn't call me after the ski fight. It made sense but it didn't feel right. Yesterday I thought - and even said to Mom and Cath - maybe it was because when I learned to let out the good stuff, the bad stuff that I wanted to say came out, too.
As we all know, the bad stuff turned out to be just a copy (actually watered down version!) of the things that I said to myself and once I realized that and learned to be nice to me I became nice to everyone else, too. Ian doesn't know that Bev.
You know I am finally the person that I always wanted to be?????????? Do you understand what that means? This person has been in here struggling her way out for about 30 years. I've been stomping and pushing her down, I have been pissed that she wouldn't go away, I have denied her, I have punished her, I have hated her. Most of all, I have hated her. And right now I think that I have found the key to being happy for the REST OF MY LIFE!! Can you grasp how big that is to me? I always said that I was only fat on the outside. Translate that and I was saying that I am a fat girl on the outside but a skinny girl on the inside. I am in there. And I'm still fat and I love me!!! Look at the fat girl... she conquered the demons, defeated the enemy, won the battle. Oh, the irony. THE FUCKING IRONY. I love irony.
If there has to be a downside I would have to say it's the preaching. I am having a bit of difficulty getting off my back when it comes to being nice to people. Second guessing, doubt, should I have said that, should I have done that. It drives me crazy but I just want everyone to know what I have learned. And maybe I can make a difference in someone's life. Like Sheena and Melissa and that woman at the bottle depot and Marla and Colin. Maybe there is just something about me. Maybe there is something special about me. Maybe I should just shut up and enjoy being the one who gets to start the pay it forward. Holy fuck, I am proud of me. I am so proud of me. I love me. And I'm still fat!
Ha. And I hit the post button and then I thought about the other day when I sarcastically told them about how everyone always says the 'there's just something about you, Bev', disbelieving tone included, confident that people say that to everyone. They looked at me because they didn't know what I was talking about. Could it be that it's not a common thing to be told? [Could it be the same as my theory that I didn't have to feel flattered by a good work evaluation because they had to be nice. I know none of them liked me but they had to say something nice, pat on the back blah, blah, blah. Let me tell you: I have been a supervisor, I have been a manager, they weren't just being nice. I was good. Very good. I just have my own way and it's not the same as everyone else's way. And that's okay. It's better than okay. It's good. Very good. lol Fuckin' Guy Smiley, dude!]
Stacey and I were talking the other night about my ex-boyfriend, Rod, from high school who is now a woman and married to a woman. (Yes, I will say it again: my ex boy friend is now a woman. And she, being my ex-boyfriend, married a woman.) I tell Stacey that I always knew Rod was not gay, it wasn't possible. I went out with Paul, too - he was gay it turns out so I could tell the difference in hind sight. I had sex with Rod in university and he rocked my world! But he felt that he was a woman on the inside. So I guess that does make him gay but as a lesbian not a fag. I thought that was a pretty reasonable take on the situation... made perfect sense to me. But she says that she has no idea what the hell I'm talking about, that she's all for a person doing whatever they wanted but she will never understand it, she will never get it.
Evolution
I periodically do these personality tests online... I find the feedback very informative and it really showed me some areas of my personality that I was not aware of - and really worked to change. So, every now and then I do the test again to see how well all of my work is paying off. And today I am very proud of my progress! [FYI: My openness, empathy and trust in others scores knocked me on my ass the first time!!]
Confidence
JUL07, 78 ~ JAN08, 86 ~ MAR08, 88 ~ MAY08, 92
Openness (to new experiences)
JUL07, 6 ~ JAN08, 8 ~ MAR08, 4 ~ MAY08, 44
Extroversion
JUL07, 94 ~ JAN08, 94 ~ MAR08, 88 ~ MAY08, 80
Empathy
JUL07, 4 ~ JAN08, 32 ~ MAR08, 10 ~ MAY08, 36
Trust in Others
JUL07, 56 ~ JAN08, 58 ~ MAR08, 48 ~ MAY08, 92
Agency (belief that you determine outcomes, not god or fate)
JUL07, 88 ~ JAN08, 76 ~ MAR08, 76 ~ MAY08, 58
Masculinity
JUL07, 66 ~ JAN08, 56 ~ MAR08, 52 ~ MAY08, 30
Femininity
JUL07, 6 ~ JAN08, 14 ~ MAR08, 22 ~ MAY08, 48
Spontaneity
JUL07, 48 ~ JAN08, 36 ~ MAR08, 64 ~ MAY08, 80
Attention to Style
JUL07, 58 ~ JAN08, 82 ~ MAR08, 92 ~ MAY08, 82
Authoritarianism (adherence to social order)
JUL07, 88 ~ JAN08, 64 ~ MAR08, 44 ~ MAY08, 40
Earthy/Imaginative
JUL07, 100 ~ JAN08, 96 ~ MAR08, 98 ~ MAY08, 92
Aesthetic/Functional
JUL07, 94 ~ JAN08, 22 ~ MAR08, 34 ~ MAY08, 46
Confidence
JUL07, 78 ~ JAN08, 86 ~ MAR08, 88 ~ MAY08, 92
Openness (to new experiences)
JUL07, 6 ~ JAN08, 8 ~ MAR08, 4 ~ MAY08, 44
Extroversion
JUL07, 94 ~ JAN08, 94 ~ MAR08, 88 ~ MAY08, 80
Empathy
JUL07, 4 ~ JAN08, 32 ~ MAR08, 10 ~ MAY08, 36
Trust in Others
JUL07, 56 ~ JAN08, 58 ~ MAR08, 48 ~ MAY08, 92
Agency (belief that you determine outcomes, not god or fate)
JUL07, 88 ~ JAN08, 76 ~ MAR08, 76 ~ MAY08, 58
Masculinity
JUL07, 66 ~ JAN08, 56 ~ MAR08, 52 ~ MAY08, 30
Femininity
JUL07, 6 ~ JAN08, 14 ~ MAR08, 22 ~ MAY08, 48
Spontaneity
JUL07, 48 ~ JAN08, 36 ~ MAR08, 64 ~ MAY08, 80
Attention to Style
JUL07, 58 ~ JAN08, 82 ~ MAR08, 92 ~ MAY08, 82
Authoritarianism (adherence to social order)
JUL07, 88 ~ JAN08, 64 ~ MAR08, 44 ~ MAY08, 40
Earthy/Imaginative
JUL07, 100 ~ JAN08, 96 ~ MAR08, 98 ~ MAY08, 92
Aesthetic/Functional
JUL07, 94 ~ JAN08, 22 ~ MAR08, 34 ~ MAY08, 46
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