About Last Night...

Hey - maybe all of my headings should be movie titles! Wouldn't that be awesome?? I wonder if anyone in the world actually reads this drivel! Muther fucker... I might just beat the shit out of Joe some day... but that's another story (good thing the sunofabitch pays me so much!)

Anywho... last night was rough. Not only did I have a mini break-down on the way home from work - yep, just started cryin'... no reason... just cryin' - but I also had a mini paranoia nobody loves me boofuckinhoo kind of night. I need to talk to Ian. I know logically when he doesn't cuddle or whatever that it doesn't mean that he doesn't love me but, now more than ever, I am struggling with the emotional side, too. It was always there but I buried it deep. I need that confirmation, a squeeze, a tap. I am trying to not only think of myself but this is where that tendancy to run comes from.

What did my mother do to me??????

Just not that interested...

Hi me. It's Monday. Blech. I am so not interested in doing any work today. I'm here, my eyes are open, I'm answering questions, I'm looking like I am being somewhat useful but it's all a big ploy. I had a nap on my new RED couch at lunchtime. Came back to work after more than an hour. Did I mention that I came to work almost 2 hours late? I got into my bed after I struggled with the alarm at Ian's for about 45 minutes... just lie in bed for a minute... just a zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Then I had a little pressure wash, which is always welcome and didn't take too long but definately not the day for it. It's dark, it's dreary, I'm bored and not in the least big ambitious. Blech.

I'm a loser!

After all of that wonderful stuff about my strength and being okay that Ian didn't want to see me the other night, I got myself so worked up yesterday afternoon it's not funny. Through the jigs and the reels, I made my way over to his house. Eventually, when I got up the nerve, I asked him if anything had changed for him. He, of course, had no idea what I was talking about because I had worked the whole thing up in my mind but I told him that I had been getting a weird vibe and this is the point that I usually lose it and run but I want to learn how to handle it differently so I asked him about it instead. What a concept! So much better. Seriously, normally that would be enough for me to want to call it quits.

Oh, and everything has been so wonderful since. So cuddly and warm and sweet and fun. Here's where I run the risk of expecting too much.

Eventually I will get a handle on this... I'm trying and I think that says a lot. Hell, I even told him that I was on the fence about kids. Me's growin up!

Something is working...

Here's a new development... he didn't want to see me yesterday. He didn't email all day and I was going into avoidance mode (because I didn't really feel like going over there, either... but that's not important right now... lol) but then I remembered that I had made a comment the day before about him cooking me supper so I called... at the very least to tell him that I didn't want to come over (but that's not important right now!). He was very quiet and withdrawn on the phone... he said that he wasn't feeling well. I said no worries, go chill out... then he told me a bit about his day and we hung up.

Okay, so my instant reaction was that he doesn't want to be with me... he was at the concert the night before and something happened and he is moving on... blah, blah, blah. And, while that might be so because I really have no idea what is happening with him, the difference was that when I started my "that's okay, who needs him, I don't care, better off on my own" speil I stopped myself.

Here is how it usually works... and I learned this oddly due to my birthday cake. Stacey was coming over on Thursday to leave for Seattle the next day, my birthday was Sunday. My favorite cake is bon bon cake and I really wanted it but earlier in the day I was thinking that it wasn't going to happen this year... so I sat there and thought of all of the reasons why we shouldn't have bon bon cake... three days to go until my b-day, won't be able to eat it all, it will go to waste, etc. And what happened was, when Stacey showed up with the cake, instead of saying wow, thank you, that's awesome, I rhymed off all of the reasons why we shouldn't have the cake. I stopped as I was doing it and recognized what was going on... I used to that all the time with guys. Don't hear from them, think up all of the things that they might be doing or feeling and, by the time I see them again, I am already soured from all of the things that I have been convincing myself of all night... and, of course my I don't need anyone anyway attitude would just be a sparkeling when they finally did call.

As I was saying, last night I stopped myself... I challenged myself. I do care what he is feeling, I do want to be in a relationship with him, I need to give him the benefit of the doubt and believe what he says until he is ready to do otherwise. Yes, I can survive without him but, at this very moment, I don't want to. And I think the thing that really got through to me was - he gets to have doubt, too... he gets to have days that he doesn't want to see me, he gets to have time on his own; after all that we have been through, who can blame him for going slow. And I want slow. This is slow. Let's just wait and see what happens.

And I took out a puzzle that I wanted to start and I put on some music and I had a lovely evening with just me.

Men are from Mars...

Women are from Venus. Holy fuck, this book just called me and said "Bev, this is why."

"Setting limits and receiving are very scary for a woman. She is commonly afraid of needing too much and then being rejected, judged or abandoned. Rejection, judgment and abandonment are most painful because deep inside her unconscious she holds the incorrect belief that she is unworthy of receiving more. This belief was formed and reinforced in childhood every time she had to suppress her feelings, needs or wishes.

A woman is particularly vulnerable to the negative and incorrect belief that she doesn't deserve to be loved. If as a child she witnessed abuse or was directly abused, then she is even more vulnerable to feeling unworthy of love; it is harder for her to determine her worth. Hidden in the unconscious, this feeling of unworthiness generates a fear of needing others. A part of her imagines that she will not be supported.

Because she is afraid of not being supported, she unknowingly pushes away the support she needs. When a man receives the message that she doesn't trust him to fulfill her needs, then he feels immediately rejected and is turned off. Her hopelessness and mistrust transform her valid needs into desperate expressions of neediness and communicate to him the message that she doesn't trust him to support her. Ironically, men are primarily motivated by being needed, but are turned off by neediness.

At such times, a woman mistakenly assumes that having needs has turned him off when in truth it is her hopelessness, desperation and mistrust that has done so. Without recognizing that men need to be trusted, it is difficult and confusing for women to understand the difference between needing and neediness.

"Needing" is openly reaching out and asking for support from a man in a trusting manner, one that assumes that he will do his best. This empowers him. "Neediness," however, is desperately needing support because you don't trust you will get it. It pushes men away and makes them feel rejected and unappreciated.

For women, not only is needing others confusing but being disappointed or abandoned is especially painful, even in the smallest ways. It is not easy for her to depend on others and then be ignored, forgotten or dismissed. Needing others puts her in a vulnerable position. Being ignored or disappointed hurts more because it affirms the incorrect belief that she is unworthy.

For centuries the Venusians compensated for this fundamental fear of unworthiness by being attentive and responsive to the needs of others. They would give and give, but deep inside they did not feel worthy of receiving. They hoped that by giving they would become more worthy. After centuries of giving they finally realized that they were worthy of receiving love and support. Then they looked back and realized that they had always been worthy of support."

Morning Sickness

This is getting to be a daily situation... every morning I am freaking out about Ian and the whole relationship thing - trying to stop myself from running away screaming, making a serious attempt to convince myself that it's not going to work out and why should I bother and why am I here even going through this, he doesn't want me, I am just someone. By the evening everything is usually okay, I am smiling and confident that this is right... oh, but in the morning...

Freaking Out... but what else is new?

Okay... we had a good weekend. I went home last night to do some laundry. Before I was leaving I said I love you. Later he sent an email to say goodnight. I replied with "Do you know how much I love you? It's crazy... but I like it" or something like that. Fuck. Too much, too much! Why why why? Why do I do these things? This morning I'm trying to figure out how to take it back. Not take it back because I don't mean it but take it back because he hasn't responded. I know it's too much, too soon. I'm ready to bawl my face off right now. This is me. Please let me control myself... this is where I start freaking out and causing problems. And it's period week and that just makes it all so much fucking better!!!

I know, I should act cool... no big deal... let it slide. But this is the crisis point. Although, I guess this whole learning thing is to figure out how to deal with it differently. What I really want to do is be an asshole, cold and distant... run, run, run! Maybe instead I will try to just be normal. Hahahaha! Normal. Ya, that's gonna happen.

Last Night We Spoke

And then he undressed me and made me go out to the shed in the rain! Scum bag! So funny... so weird and crazy. We talked a bit... I rambled a bit. He said he's not seeing anyone else, that he doesn't like anyone else, that he likes me, that he wants to be with me. We are still in the "we'll see stage"... I told him that I don't know anything for sure yet but I would like to try, I think that we need to try. And without all of those jealousy's it should be a little easier for me to let go a bit more. He said he still talks to some of them... he started telling the whos and whats but I promptly told him that I didn't want to know... as long as he is not actively looking to date someone else I think I will be okay. I have to trust at some point and, if I'm going to trust anyone, it's him. And then I woke up with him this morning and thought... maybe this is not what I want. Hahaha... never ending saga...

Nervous

Why can't things just go smoothly? Why can't I just know that he is with me, that he wants to be with me... I am so afraid that he is still wanting to see other people but I don't know whether or not I should ask him. I want to talk about the relationship but don't know if it's too soon. I know, I know... I had it so good and I walked away from it. But but

Can't get past that part. I need to be patient. I need to trust that his feelings for me are strong enough. Am I sure yet? Am I so intense about this because he is not paying a ton of attention to me?

Fuck. Do I have what it takes to get through this???

But I can't stop thinking that maybe he is keeping me at arms length because I told him that's what I wanted... before I realized the real problem. What if he is not calling because he thinks I don't want him to call. Christ, I am so afraid to let him in... not let him in, I guess because he's not knocking... I am afraid to put my heart out there and cause more trouble than would come otherwise.

FRUSTRATED MUCH?????

And yet...

At the same time, I start thinking 'did he just spend so much time with me over the past week so that I could act as a buffer while his older brother was in town?' Yesterday I was thinking - why not me? Why do I think that I don't get this crazy little thing called love? Why do millions of people all over the world get to fall in love and have someone love them back but not me? Why do I think that everyone is just out to fuck me over? Instead of finding a reason why someone might want me, I find a reason why they might not. Then again, when it comes to Ian right now, there are lots of reasons why he might not want to be with me... learning his lesson the hard way for one thing. But then why invite me to spend time with his family like that? Why touch me the way he does? Why even bother considering getting back together?

And why can't I just go out with someone once for a change? Freak.

Ian

It just occurred to me that I should be making notes of how I feel about this whole thing with Ian daily because things are moving fast. I didn't say that's a bad thing... it's a fact. So the last time that I wrote was Tuesday, Nov 6... let's start there.

Wednesday, November 7
Wait - I will go one day further back... Tuesday (Monday night after I went to be to be precise) was the day that Ian sent me this email about how pissed off he was that I hid a pack of smokes in his closet so that he would start smoling again, blah, blah, blah. He really sounded pissed off and I felt super bad (not like the movie super bad but like the feeling super bad), the email ended with I otta fuck you - which made me think that he wasn't pissed off but maybe he was pissed off and was trying to make light of it; I emailed him back, blah, blah, blah, he said I bet you cried like a girl, I said of course I cried like a girl, you ass, he said I said I otta fuck you in the end so that meant it was a joke, I said that was the part that made me cry but I was kidding at that point. So, back to Wednesday... sort of... I had a shitty Tuesday but decided that I would leave well enough alone and let it unfold to see what would happen (I don't need to be in total control of my life and the lives of those around me anymore, you see!!). On Wednesday morning I got an email saying that he thought I liked those words, do I only say it for him and I don't really like it at all; I said I like those words in bed a lot and I say it for him and for me but mostly for me! And I said that I was only kidding about the crying (although I did shed one or two cuz I'm a wuss) and it turns out he felt bad about upsetting me! I don't know why that warmed the cockles of my heart but it did.

I went over to his place right after work. Rory was coming to visit that day he reminded me a couple of times, which I took as him politely telling me that there was a time limit. But then he wanted us to make supper. Then we made some cookies. We did all of this together, too... just like he wanted before... and it was fun - because I didn't get frustrated and bitchy. Then he wanted me to sleep over (Rory stayed at their mom's for the night). I said "this might seem silly to you but I don't want to sleep over while we are seeing other people" so we had sex and I went home. I really wanted to stay but (boy this is getting to be a long story for the middle of the work day!) I stuck to my guns. **I should mention that I found out the Friday before that he was going on a date, I said that I understood why and that I wasn't sure how I felt about the emotional part of having sex with him while he was dating other people... I thought about it and decided that I could handle the sex part (why deprive myself?) but the sleeping all cuddled and romantic was just too intimate for the situation. So I went home. Very proud of myself, might I add.

Thursday, November 8
A couple of cute emails during the day but not much conversation. He called in the evening to ask if I would watch Daisy for Friday night when they went to Vernon for some wood. Would I? WOULD I????????? Um, yeah.

Friday, November 9
I went over for the key in the morning, a smooch or two then to work. After work was odd, odd, odd... but in a good way. Daisy and I went for a walk and we cuddled and watched a movie and I was home. I was home, I was in love, I was going to tell Ian the next time that I saw him enough of this dating other people, things were going back to the way they were. But I knew I wouldn't. But I wanted to.

Saturday, November 10
Throughout the day I did his laundry, cleaned his bathroom, walked his dog... I was about to make him some muffins when he came home. Good woman or suck up? Little bit 'o both. Hung out with him and Rory in the evening... he wanted me to stay. I was surprised, and very happy. Again, he asked me to sleep over that night. Again, I said no. Why? I told you the other night. But you stayed here last night. But you weren't here. Then sleep on the other side of the bed. But no, I went home. Pat, pat, pat.

Sunday, November 11
He called in the morning as planned to let me know that they were going to start unloading the wood. (I had volunteered my services the night before... good woman or suck up? Who really knows for sure?) So I put on my duds and I went over and helped unload wood. There was a couple of times that he was kind of mean to me... just talking trash and making me feel bad a bit. He was inside on the phone for a bit so I was absolutely convinced that he was talking to a girl and I was jealous and frustrated and bothered but I kept working and when I was done I gave him a kiss and went on my merry way. And then he invited me over for supper with his mother and brother! And I didn't sleep over.

Monday, November 12
What happened Monday? I was feeling pretty sick. Ah, Monday was the wind storm. I sent him an email in the morning but didn't hear back from him. I didn't get upset... okay I was bothered a bit but said I'm sure there is a reason that doesn't neccessarily involve another woman - at some point I have to take the time we spend together as a good sign and just let it rest. Then he called... they had no power all day! Ahhhhh. Blah, blah, went for sushi, no sleep over.

Tuesday, November 13
I was home sick from work... felt poopy all day, sniffing and snotting on the stupid brown borrowed couch. I left my glasses the day before... I called on his cell and he was a little bit off. Take it personally? Yes. How do you know when to take it personally and when to not? I'm not a machine. I'm also still extremely afraid of being made a fool of... recognizing it is a start but it's not curing everything immediately. But he called when he got home and said to come over. I was still feeling crappy so said a thanks but no thanks. So, I'm sitting there... bored... confused... knowing what I think I want, what I'm pretty sure I want, not sure of where to go with it or what to do with it. For some reason I sat down and started reading old emails from last year. Holy crap - where was I last year? I was open and loving but I didn't not read the things that he said. It's like I skipped over the parts about him to get to the parts about me. He was so sweet, so heart-on-a-platter. I fucked him over but good. I know that won't happen again. I know I will never treat someone like that again. But what if something else is wrong? What if I'm wrong and he's not the one?

But you know what? How can I not try and give it everything that I have. In my old frame of mind, I could look at it as practice if nothing else. In this frame of mind, I love him. I want to be with him. So what if he's a skinny dork? I've always been attracted to skinny dorks. I think it's time that I just accept me for me and him for him and stop worrying about what we look like next to each other. Stop worrying that I will get my heart broken so I won't even put myself in the line of fire. Learn to give, learn to listen to other people, learn to care about something other than myself. I'm ready to have his baby for fuck sake! Well, not ready but definately getting ready. For 18 years I have not wanted children... until this past couple of weeks! I'm not ready to even say it out loud yet, I'm still having trouble thinking about it without tears coming to my eyes. But I think I want it... I look at babies and families and hear little David next door bawling his poor heart out and I think... yeah, I want that.

So I called Ian at 10:30pm, went over to his house and slept all night in his bed.

Shit day

I'm having a shit day. Shit day number two, actually, because yesterday was a shit day, too. I guess all that epiphany garbage is a big load. I don't mean that. I'm just crabby and I want to go home.