Did someone say complicated?

Okay, I guess that was a load of crap then. The no more highs. I think they still lurk.

So, I quit my job. Yes, I did. It was actually kind of interesting to read my last post because I totally forgot about what it said. I was right to a degree about the no more absolute yeses or nos - but I still have to feel right with it to make a firm decision. This one was hard because there are no absolutes, because I both love and hate my job (it felt like breaking up with Ian again!) but, when I stopped to think about it, I understood that I at least have to know what it's like somewhere else. And when I asked myself if I had done everything in my power to fix what was wrong and to find a way to stay and answered no, I had not... and I felt perfectly okay with that.

It's time to jump again. Obviously my instincts are telling me something - the anarchy... can't take the absolute constant anarchy of the place! - and I follow those instincts now, right? Actually, the thing that made up my mind for me was when I realized that I lost that happiness and questioned whether it was even real. It has to be. I will not live my life complaining all the time, being pissed off and exhausted, avoiding social situations and destroying my health. This was a nice lesson... back one step, forward two... that is called learning. I like learning.

Now, let's see what happens!!!

What do I want?

I feel like I've lost something. I've been trying to figure out what. I realized today that perhaps the highs that I have been chasing my whole life don't really exist without the lows. The lows are gone now. And it's not that I feel like I can't be happy, I think I was just expecting to be exorbitantly happy... because, if you're not HAPPPPPY then you must be sad, right? Now I just am. And, quite sadly, a large part of me is missing the HI-GHs. I guess it's true, there is just no pleasing me.

But now it's time to just start living my life. Again. Still. Finally.

Just not really sure what that means at this exact moment. Should I try for that other job? It would be a half hour (absolute minimum) commute each way... I actually enjoyed commuting way back but that was because I was living with Karl and very excited to have alone time without him. (Maybe with a commute I could handle a relationship!) It pisses me off to go to work these days... but is that just the way it's going to be at any job and I have unrealistically high expectations? Actually, that's part of the reason that I want to change jobs - at least then I will know.

I want to know if every place is run like that... a.k.a. very badly. I want to know if this is the right industry for me, as much as I feel that it is. I want to know if maybe I would be happier in a simple casual position instead of running the place. I want to know what it would be like to be actually trained to do my job. I want to know if this is the next step and if I should take it.

I knew about this assistant manager job opening for a while but last week I really felt like I'm ready to... ready to what? Ready to leave where I am? It's been four months. I love the residents. I even love Jane, my boss, even though I think she is not cut out for this position. And what if she fucks up enough to lose her job and I get it? Then I have to work for/with Cora? Hells no. Hells no. At least this way I will know if I'm living in a fantasy world and then I can work with that. I just don't know if it's time. And in my life philosophy, if the answer isn't yes, then it has to be no. But fuck my life philosophy! What do I know, right? There is no guarantee that I will even get it... at least if I apply, I will have an actual decision to make. Why do I make life so complicated?