Okay. Here's what I want. I want all of this to be done already. I want this fat to be a memory. I want to be living my new life - my enhanced life. The life where I row and run and dance and create and love. I want a big dick inside me. I want a man to cherish me, to realize what a beautiful person I am, inside & out.

God, I saw another fat picture of me today. How is that possible? How did I get so big? It made me doubt the road I am on. It's such a long road. Do I have the strength? Do I have the will? What will become of me?

The future is so unclear now. All of these absolutely endless possibilities. I want to do so much, make up for so much lost time. But where will I settle? It's so much easier to sit on the couch and eat and hate myself. This is so much more work! I know it's the change that is the work, though. The forming of new habits to replace the old ones. And, as for men, well, maybe someday my disdain will fade. I would love to find a fuck buddy in the mean time but I know that's only asking for trouble. But I just can't enjoy my plastic these days. I need some new porn!!

Crap! I am shot today. I feel so weird. Like I'm too exhausted to be tired. I slept for 3 or 4 hours today, until about 5:30pm. And here I am, ready to go to sleep again. I can barely keep my eyes open, it's a struggle to hold my head up but not quite ready to sleep. Sheena and I went out last night. She was sneezing and snotting all over the place. Guess I was germed. I was quite nervous earlier. Paranoia creeps in. But I'm not down, I'm not sad - I just feel like crap.

"I reach for you and find my heart"

That was in a book that I am reading. Just wanted to write it down before I forget. Got lots of thoughts in my head but I'm just too tired. Have to save it for another day, I guess.

I ran! The other day I ran across the street. Sounds so simple and basic, doesn't it? Well, as I was running I realized that I haven't ran in almost a year. A YEAR! It was 11 months ago on Saturday that I had my accident. Anyway, tonight I was babysitting Jenna and I was really late and I ran from my car to Julie's house. I was crazy out of breath but I'm so proud of myself! I am no longer a prisoner of this couch. No longer a prisoner of my own mind!

I had fun with Jenna tonight. She's a real cute kid. I even stopped a time or two and thought - omigod, I'm playing! What a weirdo I am. Such basic things to people - running, playing - and I feel like I invented it! But it makes me feel like I'm on my way to where I want to be. "Now my imagination is the only thing that can stop the bar and it's rise to the heights"

I AM FREE!!!

Whew! Just got back from the gym. My arms are kind of shaky! Feels good. What doesn't feel so good is the moment on the scale. 207? What the hell? I know, only up one pound. But don't go up! Go down! Go down! Could it have been the cheese and bacon burger and fries that I had for lunch? The ice cream, chips and chocolate bar that I had Sunday? The greek ribs that I had on Saturday? Or the 6 or 7 times that I ate out last week? What am I doing?? No wonder! Okay, need to work harder. Eat better. Pay attention again. I've been slacking off and it ain't doin' me no good! Okay, new rules. Eat out ONCE per week. That's it. Not go to the restaurant and have salad. Restaurant only once (maybe twice! I love to eat out!). I just need to male better decisions and be conscious of it all the time. I'm not getting into a big diet frame of mind. I just want to be healthy.

Hello me! Nothing in particular to say tonight. Things are going well. A little behind in my work but what else is new? Ah, the irony of "Accountable Bookkeeping"! That's mean though. I'm doing the best that I can. Well - almost. I'm working on doing for me right now, too. I am finally starting to get it through my head that I can't be everything to everyone. I don't stress about it (most of the time) and when I do, I'm able to let it go. (Thank you Wellbutrin!!) Ah, the pleasure of being able to let things go. Who know? I mean seriously. Obviously I knew that I obsessed a bit much but hey, personality trait, right? Everyone does it, right? It honestly never crossed my mind that it might be due to a chemical imbalance in my brain. Yeah, the depression, once the idea was presented to me, made so much sense. They crying, the mood swings, the sickness that I knew wasn't sickness. I would make myself sick and truly believe that I was sick and I was doing it to justify staying in bed. Well, I can't get out of bed, I feel like crap, I can't navigate through the day, I can't think, I would be totally numb. The sad part is that it was normal. Normal for me, true, but I'm the only one that I could compare me to and it wasn't new. It was worse sometimes than others but it was always there on some level. And it was easy to find something to blame it on. It was only when I realized that at 30 I was still going through my teenage angst that I even suspected it could be me. But the obsessiveness I really thought was who I am. And look at me now! I have not once checked to see if Fabian has renewed his personals ad or updated his MSN profile. Before, I couldn't not check. It was a compulsion. Maybe that's a better word than obsessive. I would get something on my mind and it would not go away. Food. Ah, that's why I've been over 200 pounds for the past 10 years! Of course! And here I am now, I have chips and chocolate in the cupboard and I'm not eating it because I am not hungry. Ha! What a concept. Needing to be hungry to eat.

Oh, thank you Wellbutrin, oh thank you Dr. Gray, even thank you shithead Pabani. I was always this person. Sometimes. A little bit. This is the person that I would see peeking out on those occasions that I would be determined to make a change. To eat better, to exercise. I like this person so much better. Chemically enhanced!!! =)

Whew! Just got back from 2 hours at the gym. Fun! I was sitting here on the couch having a crappy lazy boring day. Watched 3 movies and only got up to pee. No answering the phone (it was only Karl anyway) or nothing. The movie was putting me to sleep so I turned on Much Music and they had this 10 top hot bodies thing on where they not only said who - they said how. And it got me motivated. So I got up and got going. 1/2 hour upper body w/ free weights and 1 hour cardio. Go Bevie! Go Bevie! You know sometimes - most times - I look in the mirror and I 'm shocked at how fat I am. Seriously shocked. But it's going good. This isn't about weight loss. That's a wonderful side effect but it's about getting in shape so I can live the kind of life that I want to live - do the things that I want to do.

And boy am I pooped!

Over & out!

Hello me! Wow, had a hard time finding this book.... hid it real good last time, I guess.

Anyway, it's Thursday night about 10:30pm and I am bored and lonely. I've been lonely every day for a while now. My social meter is way down. I do little things to get it up but then I just come home and feel lonely all over again. This whole not working after 6pm isn't working. The evenings alone are far too long. Julie and I have been going to the gym and I've been watching a lot of movies. I don't know. Trying not to let it get me down but I have to admit it's a struggle.

Okay - so what good has been happening? The list is long, I must say. Well, first of all, like I said, I've been going to the gym. We joined the YMCA a couple of weeks ago. It's good to get back at it. Since I saw that HORRIBLE picture of myself at the beach at the end of July, I have lost around 13 pounds. Not sure of my weight then because I was avoiding all scales but I'm pretty sure I was around 220. I'm now at 207 fully dressed and sneakered. Feels good. It's different this time, too. I have no interest in food. I did have a mini-boredom binge this evening, I do admit. Just some ice cream. No biggy. Most nights I don't even want supper. The problem with that, though, is I'm really hungry by midnight. And I also haven't been eating enough to keep my energy level up - if you can believe that! =) How nice to not be a slave to food, how nice to not be hiding behind a big burger. I have been trying to read my body - eat when I am hungry, not eat when I'm not. What a concept!

And I'm not obsessed with it but I actually can envision myself thin. Well, a lot smaller than I've been since high school, anyway. And active. How thrilling. I want to try everything. I feel like I have missed out on so much. Like all of those sad years from 15-32 were just wasted. But I'm making up for it now and that's what is important.

Also, no entry would be complete without the mention of some male! I gave Fabian his walking papers two or three weeks ago. How nice - can't even remember when!! There was nothing left to salvage and I finally thought 'why am I bothering?' So that's the end - finally. After a dozen or so breakups in the past two years. Geez, not too quick, am I? And, yes, I still think of him daily but it's getting less all the time. He sent me an email on Monday night. I'm pretty confident that it was in error but nevertheless it gave me the opportunity to really sit back and evaluate where I am on the whole deal. And I'm proud to say that it's finally over for me. There is nothing that I can imagine that would make me want to get back with him. Let's break it down, shall we? (To re-read on those lonely nights when temptation is getting the better of me!) Hmmm... positives maybe - the list is shorter, after all! 1. he makes me laugh, 2. he cuddles well, 3. good sex, 4. he compliments me. Ouch - 3 of those are no longer even valid and that's all I can come up with. The negatives: 1. he stopped cuddling, 2. sex became his dick in a dry hole. Yeah he still turned me on but, let's face it, that ain't difficult. The last few times with him, even when I asked, he wasn't interested in anything more. And I am no one's hole anymore. That was all too reminiscent of Karl. No touching, no kissing, me on top doing all the work, thinking 'what the hell am I bothering for?' And when I was thinking that while he was actually inside me, I figure that was a bad thing. 3. the compliments stopped long ago, no matter how hard I tried, 4. he wouldn't go out, even to a stupid movie!, 5. everything had to be his way - let's eat at home, go to the store, wings not chicken. I mean COME ON!, 6. the whole female attitude thing. I now feel toward men the way he feels about women and that really bothers me. But more about that later. 7. the comments about people - they aren't human, they should be allowed to kill each other, the constant complaints but mostly the comments about how all those horrible people made him feel like a better person. Is your self esteem that low that you have to put others down to bring yourself up? 8. he lives in someone else's house. Whats-her-face left like 5 years ago, man. Move on already! 9. he drives a bus, 10. he drives an Echo, 'nuff said, 11. he wouldn't open up, 12. he doesn't want a relationship with me. Why did I keep trying to force it on him? 13. he's a dreamer. And this is usually a positive for me but follow through once, just once! Sailing, hiking, moving, buying a motor bike. JUST ONCE! 14. no respect for me, no thought for my feelings or needs, 15. holidays. I could always count on him - to be somewhere else. 16. couldn't trust him. That whole internet dating thing? Yeah, I'll never get past that. Shit, could have saved myself a year and a half, minimum.

Okay, the list is getting long. And sadly I could continue for another page or so. But, bare bones? I liked him and I really wanted him to like me back. But it's so obvious that it was never going to happen. Time to let go.

So, what's also obvious is I'm not over him. Otherwise this cramping in my writing hand wouldn't be worth it. But I will be over him. GUARONTEEED, BABY!! And next time, my standards will be higher. Wanting to put his dick in me will not be enough - even if he does it really well! But that's a while in the future yet. I am just figuring out who I am. This is no time to bring someone else into the picture.

So I'll deal with the loneliness and fill my time having fun and bettering myself. It will all come out in the wash, as they say.

And just you wait and see - good things are coming. I just know it! =)

Ow, my hand hurts... otherwise I'd go on and on and on and on and on on on on.

Cheers!






Okay, my hand is freakin' killing me but I can't leave it at that - I ain't done yet, child! I just re-read the entries in this book, as I always do. And, as always, seems like same shit, different day. To read this you can't see any of the distance that I have come in the past 8 months. I left out a great big part about ME!

So, to say that my life has changed is putting it mildly. No, maybe that's not right. My life hasn't really changed but I have. Okay, revise the statement AGAIN. I haven't changed but the depression person is all but gone and that girl that I like is around more. And that has helped me make some headway with my so called life! It's not just the exercise, not just the boys, it's me inside. I'm more... me, I guess. Not only have my work habits improved (although it's been a real struggle since I got back from home a few weeks ago), my financial situation has improved. I wonder why? Doesn't really feel that much different. I think it's maybe less emotional spending (read wasting) of my hard earned cash. Still a long way to go, of course. I'm trying to correct 18 years of sadness here. It's not all going to change over night.

But, you know what else has changed? And this I think I'm most proud of. My tendency to put everyone else before me. How did I put it last year? My happiness has always been dependent on making someone else happy. I have always spent so much time trying to be everything to everyone that I think I became little to most. Like the way I always put it on myself to tell Tom that he missed an occasion or to send Aaron & Brandon Christmas presents. What did that stuff help? I would get into a big brawl with Tom and it really wasn't my place. It wasn't my responsibility. Yes, I will still do the best I can for those that I care about but my stuff - not everyone else's. And putting myself out for everyone. It's one thing to be dependable but I gave up myself to be something for everyone else. Do you know what I mean? For Mom, for my customers, for Fabe, for everyone but me. I'm doing so much better in that respect. It's funny. I know my new found confidence and self-love actually puts people (namely my family) off. I saw it when I was home. But what can I do? On of the things that I've always liked about myself is my strong convictions and now I guess I'm more vocal about it. No, I don't agree with Karl writing FUCK YOU on his neighbor's lawn, no I don't believe that everyone down and out on Fabe's bus route is expendable and inhuman, no I won't be involved in Joe's personal life so much that I feel like Sheena's surrogate mother, no I won't move back home so that I can spend my adult years babysitting for my mother. Doesn't she see what I lost because of that in my teens? Doesn't she understand that I don't want to have children because of the responsibility placed on me at such a young age? I wanted to please her. I wanted to do everything to earn her love, to get a little bit of attention, so I gave up my life so she could live hers. Isn't that backward?

I like being on my own, I like not having to worry about anyone but me. But, at the same time, I think all of my new found me is pushing people away. It's new, though. I'm sure it will all even out with time.

I do need to make some new friends, though. I need to increase my social meter. I've been doing good - going to lots of concerts, doing fun things. I think getting more active will help all of that. But how do you meet people when you live alone, work alone, have no children, when you are me? I guess I'll just have to find a way - but no more internet dating. I ain't kissing another 2 years, 5 years goodbye. Standards are higher.

Nite!