You know what I absolutely hate about all of this? Of course you do! I complain about it all the time. Actually, I think I even whine and complain about being too horny when I am seeing someone and getting it all the time at this point of the month. I know Fabe would say "why didn't you just call me?" but I'm not going to sit here horny all night until he gets around to coming over. And I'm a little more bothered about him not wishing me a happy birthday than I want to be. My clit is throbbing!

So, he thought the email was really funny. And then he came over and fucked me. And how do I feel about that? Sunday - great. Monday - pretty good. Tuesday? Yeah, I'm okay. you know, on the positive side, this is really good because now I don't have to fight ever sexual urge that I get. And this way I get to have the best of both worlds. I get to live my life as I have been, busy, busy, going out with friends, working, working out and I get to have sex periodically. On the negative side, well, I'm not exactly sitting by the phone but I have a fear that I will. I guess I'm just afraid of old habits and old feelings coming back to bite me in the ass. But maybe the worst old habit is actually worrying about it. I need to let things happen and not analyze everything to death. Um, what else is new?

But I don't want to get back with him in that old rut that we were always in. I don't want a future with him. I don't want to love him. So, maybe I won't. I need to keep my boundaries and not slip into the sleepover, meals, relationship thing. He has a way of invading my life and I just need to not let that happen.

Anyway! You should see how FUCKING SEXY I am! 198.5 on the scale today. I could scream. When I catch a glimpse in the mirror, now I stop and go 'oh, yeah' instead of 'oh, no!' And this is so much better! I'm loving the gym. I have energy times ten! (Most of the time!!) And I am just LOVING ME!

So, I'll continue to hate men for a while... it looks good on me!

Yeah, I must be out of my mind. Fuck! Am I going to start this again? This is what I wrote to him:

Hi, yeah, me, the freak, the weird woman who can't seem to leave you alone. So, I've been thinking. Actually, it's all your fault because of those emails a couple of weeks ago. Would you have sex with me? (damn, she's blunt!) Yeah, because we really aren't friends anyway so that whole not having sex with my friends theory is out the window. And I'm not talking dating and I'm not talking meals or movies or sleepovers. I'm talking sex. Sometimes. When the need arises. For either of us. Because, quite frankly, I'm going out of my mind. And I kind of exaggerated about the plastic because that's just a tease more than anything at this point. I used to be satisfied with my right hand and you ruined that... so this is, like, your duty. And I don't want to date anyone right now but I want sex. A lot. I mean, I guess I could live without it... it's not water... but it's close. And why not, right? We're two consenting adults. And we might have not been able to do the other stuff right but this... this we had down to a science. And every time I think of you in my mouth I get this weird ache and start to drool. Damn you and your big dick! Best regards, the horny slut."

I KNEW I was going to crack. I KNEW IT. Well, maybe he'll just say no and I won't have to think about this. Yeah, that would be okay. I must review the list AGAIN! Crap.

Okay, so does this ever stop OR WHAT? Seriously, I'm having my doubts. I'm so sick of making this decision over and over. I don't want to be with him. I don't! Logically, I don't. Emotionally, I need to not be with him. So where does this come from? Is it just the natural instinct to want someone in my life? I think I need to go to bed... alone!!!

Crap! Been talking too much about Fabian tonight. Kinda makes me miss him a little git. Damn, I can't wait until five years from now when I can say "Oh, yeah! Remember that Fabian guy? Geez, I haven't thought of him in FOREVER!" Please, that day, please come soon.

Anyway! Had a real fun night. We went to Rebecca's friends for karaoke! I ROCK! It was so fun.

I love hating boys right now! It so takes the pressure off. It changes everything. Everyday, every minute. I just don't care so much. What a fabulous idea! Why didn't I think of this sooner? I guess I just never reached this level of disillusionment. It's a good place for me, I think.

Anyway - go to bed, drunk gurl... how can't rite wery vell!!

And remember, although this is the unfortunate part:
When you give up the bad things
You have to give up the good parts as well.

Yeah, so I spent 2 hours in the emergency room after the last entry. Damn, that was scary. My tongue went fat and numb and I was tripping over my speech. I called Gayleen and Chris to come get me. After we got to the hospital, the allergy medication started to kick in and the swelling went down a bit. They gave me some antihistamine so it wouldn't come back. My eyes are still swollen. I have no idea what is causing this. An allergy to something, but what?

Anyway, I kind of feel like my old self right now. My old self as in pre-chemical enhancement. Not in a big crazy depression but down somehow. Just blah. I don't like it. I just got down with my bad old self in the bedroom and cried afterward. I hate that. It better not start again. Well, back to work and back on a schedule so maybe that will get me in line again.

That episode with Fabian the other night oddly seemed to put me at ease about the whole thing anyway. I guess I was reminded of his lack of caring and je ne sais pas. Asking if I'm horny instead of asking if I'm well or happy or sad. That's how little he thinks of me? Well, I don't really think that. It's more like that's who he is and that's who I don't want to be with anymore.

I need sleep! Puff head!!

{shaky writing} Okay, I need to document this because it's kind of TOTALLY FREAKING ME OUT. I got out of the shower this afternoon and noticed a little bump on the bottom of my right eye. Almost like a blister-type thing - that was at noon. It got a bit bigger when Stacey and I went out shopping. When I was home at about 5pm it seemed to be the same or smaller. I got ready and went to Gayleen and Chris' for supper. While it was there it steadily got worse and my right eye lid started to swell, too. Now I'm home and my eye is HUGE. I can feel the numbness in my cheek and maybe into my arm a bit (not sure if that's my imagination or not). Now my left eye is also starting to swell and I am losing it! Breathing is wheezy but is that because I had a smoke? I have been feeling dizzy on and off since Wednesday. Then it was more vertigo w/ movement. Now it's more light headed. And I don't know if it's because I am sitting here concentrating on it but I'm afraid to ignore it because what if something happens and I'm all alone? Oh, I just took a Sinutab Sinus & Allergy to see if it helps.

Got my hair done today - 3 inches off and dark. Very cute! I like it. Had kind of a fat day today. Maybe that burger didn't help. You know it might have just been my body rejecting crap. I've been treating it okay lately food wise. Better, anyway! I've been waiting for a crash all week. When does this paranoia stop? Probably never. But maybe it's a good thing. I need to be aware because when I start slipping, I try to figure out why and fix it. Not enough exercise, junk food, no sleep.

Another thing that struck me as odd this week is my 'self talk'. I guess that's partly why I thought I was heading for a crash. I was at the gym and I pay no attention to boys anymore. People in general but not boys. Anyway, I was at the gym and this guy walked into my line of vision and I smiled. And then I thought why would he want the fat girl to smile at him. Where the hell did that come from? I guess it's still in there to a certain extent. And I was at the grocery store and this cute guy smiled at me and I stopped and wondered why. Why? Why the hell not? It wasn't a marriage proposal. It wasn't even boy-girl most likely. He just smiled. If he was a woman or an elderly man I wouldn't think twice about it. Of course, then maybe I thought he thinks I'm cute - which I am! And then I thought that's something that I will have to get used to as I lose weight. Automatically that will happen more. I've always had trouble with that and that is such a self-esteem issue. And, Bev, not every guy that smiles at you needs to be an imagined relationship if he's cute - nor a rapist if he's weird. Just smile back and move on. It will definitely take some retraining.

Brian of Canada Post fame was hitting on me today. I know he likes me but no. That's something else. How do you deal with that other than running? And, also, I thought he's a 4 so that means that he thinks I'm a 4 or 5 at most. But I want to be an 8. And I want an 8 or a 9.

But whatever. That's not even close to being on the horizon yet. I'm enjoying me and I'm making some serious headway on getting to be the me that I want to be so I'm gonna stay on this road for a while longer.

(And, Beverly, Fabian is not going to email you so, please, just let it go already!!)



Um, yeah, guess who the email was from? Mutherfuker! Never fails, never fails. So, okay, Bev, it's okay to be friends. Just friends. No crush. No fuck buddy. Good to know that you are alive and doing well kinda friends, right?

But why can't I give up and go to bed?

I know I don't want to start this up again. Nothing will be different. Don't think about the sex in the good ole days. Think about the baggage, the emotional... emotional what? Non-existence! He's just horny and probably lonely but that's his doing, not mine.

Yep, he just asked if I'm horny. Well, hell yes but he doesn't need to know that! Sonofabitch! I AM NOT A HOLE! Review the list NOW!

Yeah, I raised my standards. I am worthy. I am beautiful and gosh darn it, people like me! Thank you Guy Smiley!! I feel a little better now. I can be strong. I don't want him that way anymore. Now, repeat... 10 thousand times!!

Okay, I think I'm out of the danger zone. I think I rather pissed him off but I'm just going to have to live with that. I am not a hole and I never will be one again!!!!

Now I just have to live with it.

I broke up with Fabian again today. It feels like I broke up with him every day this week. Like everyday I have to go through the whole process again. The whys and the your better offs. And I know I'm better off. Without a doubt. So why the hell does his name still run through my mind every time I check my email or my caller id? How does it stop - when does it stop?? Muther fucker! Guess I'll stop and read my pros and cons that I wrote a few weeks ago again. Hang on!

That's a little better. What the hell did I see in that guy, anyway? Sex. Yep. I'm a slut. It wasn't until that went away that I could let go.

God, I am so anti-man these days. I feel myself slipping into depression here and there. I'm fighting it. With everything I have, I'm fighting. But a couple of times today I just wanted to burst out crying. But shut the fuck up and let it go works somewhat these days. Have I already written all of this? I'm deja vu-ing!

So, I can't sleep. I'm so tired. Maybe I took my pill too late. It was 6:30pm but I'm so on the edge that I was afraid to skip it. I'll take a sleepless night if it means avoiding a day or two in my own personal hell. No problem.

I noticed that on September 9 I was 207 pounds. Here is October 5 and I'm 203. What the heck? I'm still ahead of schedule in the long run. August and September are done and that should be 16 pounds (2 per week) and I'm down 17. Shouldn't complain then, hey? I really slowed down when I started back at the gym. It was about 3 weeks before I lost a pound. Building muscle, I guess. Of course, I had really stopped eating there for a while. As soon as I started - and felt so guilty for eating crap - I started losing weight again. Which is proof that you have to eat to lose weight. Look how much I ate on Jenny Craig. But who has time, man? The shopping, the preparing. I'm trying to have a life here, if you don't mind!

I also wrote in that first red pen entry that I was feeling quite lonely. Well, I sure beat that. These days I have trouble fitting it all in! Guitar lessons started last week, doing an accounting course at BCIT, half done puzzle on the table for weeks, movies, concerts (GBS last week, Sting this week), going to Stacey's or Julie's or Gayleen's. It's good. GOOD!

Who's cryin' baby? And Fabe WHO???