That's what I just put on my twitter. Then I LOL'ed a bit... ha... lol. Something inside me switched. I think it's time. I think I'm okay now. I think I'm even ready to change the password on this blahg. That life (this life today and for the last time) is not for me anymore. Any. More.
I wrote a story last night. Started. Can you believe that? And the days that I wasn't high were so much more fun than the days when I was. It's almost like... almost like the end of my fucking around days. And the end of my smoking days. The end of my Newfoundland days. The end of my Wabush days. Mother fucker. It's the same thing, new generation. I'M PEPSI!
Now I'm going to go read my old blahg one more time and burn it. Metaphorically speaking, of course. (Because, as much as everyone was right when they said I would regret it if I burned my old books, as much as they were right, it was a ceremonial thing almost, graduating to the next stage of life, as I am doing right now with you, including too many commas.)
I think I know now. Everything has fallen together on a larger scale, now it's time for the details... as much as I hate the details. Time for a commitment, as much as I've always hated commitment. It's time to settle down. To be part of a family. Someday! Slow the fuck down, woman! (haha... ya... only I, at the tender age of 38, would take that as fast. haha... let the games begin.) *insert smiley face here.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
I think I found a new wall... sort of...
Or maybe I just figured out my brother's wall. I'm always trying to figure out my brother's wall. Everyone thinks that I am fed up with him but I'm kind of testing him.
* Fucking healthy food is even starting to ruin my mediocre stuff. I've already started getting disgusted at the thought of take out... McDonald's is over. But my crackers taste like shit, probably stale... the old me would notice and wouldn't care. *
** See the way my mind works? This is the thought process. I had to go all the way through that to realize that my crackers are stale. Sigh. More on that later, perhaps. **
Brother's wall, testing, right. Of course I'm testing him but perhaps in different ways than I am conscious of. I say that I'm trying to see how long it will be before he actually visits. I can't believe it's been almost a whole year since I saw him. Since that night of the xtreme fighting... and it came home from the bar with us... the shouting part anyway.
Let me put it this way. My brother? Is an ass. Dick to the largest degree. It's sad really because he is such a cool guy. Such a cool guy. You would not believe the following he had in high school. The following. People just sparkled when he would talk to them. He just had this way of drawing people in. Oh, he was good looking. Lots of people are good looking. The stupid girls would try to be friends with me so they could come to my house to be near my brother. Drove me crazy! But it was more than looks. It was charisma. It was confidence. It was strength of character. At least that's who I saw when I looked at him.
I feel that I really need to add a little background information. It bothers me to even bring this up because he is my brother as much as anyone ever could be. He was adopted. Our father was adopted, too, so we knew that a child could be brought in to a family and become a legitimate part of them. (the fact that our father wasn't fully aware of that was really sad, though)
As children the fact that Tom was adopted had no bearing on our lives, other than the way he convinced me - and I'm certain he believed this to a large degree - that he was better because Mom and Dad picked him but with the rest of us they had to just take what they got. He told me that Mom and Dad walked down this long hall full of cribs with the cutest babies in it and they picked him because he was the cutest of the cutest. It sounded plausible to me. And the girls at school all thought he was the cutest of the cutest. Even the women kind of flustered when he looked into their eyes. He owned the world. And he was my brother.
But there was always this asshole underneath the surface. He'd come out every now and then. I thought it was just irritating brother stuff. We had a few fights. He had fights with our older sister when she lived at home, too... it seemed only natural. I'd be going about my day and suddenly I would say something that set him off and he would go ape shit on my ass. Absolutely. Ape. Shit. (When reminiscing, we often talk about that time. The fights "we" had. Honestly? I was fucking shit baked of the guy... I was just trying to protect myself. No, that's bullshit for the most part, I absolutely did my share of the screaming and hitting. But I was afraid of him, don't doubt it for a minute.)
Like I said, I thought it was just brother stuff until I started hanging around with his girlfriend. Perhaps that was a large problem in their relationship? I was a witness from the olden days. He still lost it with me, reasonably often. But he lost it with her, too. There was no hitting - sorry if I misled you. It wasn't like that, he would just lose his temper about something as stupid as the weather and start banging cupboard doors and stuff. (I think that's what was scary. He just lost control. That's very unnerving to be around.)
So, back to the wall.
* Fucking healthy food is even starting to ruin my mediocre stuff. I've already started getting disgusted at the thought of take out... McDonald's is over. But my crackers taste like shit, probably stale... the old me would notice and wouldn't care. *
** See the way my mind works? This is the thought process. I had to go all the way through that to realize that my crackers are stale. Sigh. More on that later, perhaps. **
Brother's wall, testing, right. Of course I'm testing him but perhaps in different ways than I am conscious of. I say that I'm trying to see how long it will be before he actually visits. I can't believe it's been almost a whole year since I saw him. Since that night of the xtreme fighting... and it came home from the bar with us... the shouting part anyway.
Let me put it this way. My brother? Is an ass. Dick to the largest degree. It's sad really because he is such a cool guy. Such a cool guy. You would not believe the following he had in high school. The following. People just sparkled when he would talk to them. He just had this way of drawing people in. Oh, he was good looking. Lots of people are good looking. The stupid girls would try to be friends with me so they could come to my house to be near my brother. Drove me crazy! But it was more than looks. It was charisma. It was confidence. It was strength of character. At least that's who I saw when I looked at him.
I feel that I really need to add a little background information. It bothers me to even bring this up because he is my brother as much as anyone ever could be. He was adopted. Our father was adopted, too, so we knew that a child could be brought in to a family and become a legitimate part of them. (the fact that our father wasn't fully aware of that was really sad, though)
As children the fact that Tom was adopted had no bearing on our lives, other than the way he convinced me - and I'm certain he believed this to a large degree - that he was better because Mom and Dad picked him but with the rest of us they had to just take what they got. He told me that Mom and Dad walked down this long hall full of cribs with the cutest babies in it and they picked him because he was the cutest of the cutest. It sounded plausible to me. And the girls at school all thought he was the cutest of the cutest. Even the women kind of flustered when he looked into their eyes. He owned the world. And he was my brother.
But there was always this asshole underneath the surface. He'd come out every now and then. I thought it was just irritating brother stuff. We had a few fights. He had fights with our older sister when she lived at home, too... it seemed only natural. I'd be going about my day and suddenly I would say something that set him off and he would go ape shit on my ass. Absolutely. Ape. Shit. (When reminiscing, we often talk about that time. The fights "we" had. Honestly? I was fucking shit baked of the guy... I was just trying to protect myself. No, that's bullshit for the most part, I absolutely did my share of the screaming and hitting. But I was afraid of him, don't doubt it for a minute.)
Like I said, I thought it was just brother stuff until I started hanging around with his girlfriend. Perhaps that was a large problem in their relationship? I was a witness from the olden days. He still lost it with me, reasonably often. But he lost it with her, too. There was no hitting - sorry if I misled you. It wasn't like that, he would just lose his temper about something as stupid as the weather and start banging cupboard doors and stuff. (I think that's what was scary. He just lost control. That's very unnerving to be around.)
So, back to the wall.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Did someone say complicated?
Okay, I guess that was a load of crap then. The no more highs. I think they still lurk.
So, I quit my job. Yes, I did. It was actually kind of interesting to read my last post because I totally forgot about what it said. I was right to a degree about the no more absolute yeses or nos - but I still have to feel right with it to make a firm decision. This one was hard because there are no absolutes, because I both love and hate my job (it felt like breaking up with Ian again!) but, when I stopped to think about it, I understood that I at least have to know what it's like somewhere else. And when I asked myself if I had done everything in my power to fix what was wrong and to find a way to stay and answered no, I had not... and I felt perfectly okay with that.
It's time to jump again. Obviously my instincts are telling me something - the anarchy... can't take the absolute constant anarchy of the place! - and I follow those instincts now, right? Actually, the thing that made up my mind for me was when I realized that I lost that happiness and questioned whether it was even real. It has to be. I will not live my life complaining all the time, being pissed off and exhausted, avoiding social situations and destroying my health. This was a nice lesson... back one step, forward two... that is called learning. I like learning.
Now, let's see what happens!!!
So, I quit my job. Yes, I did. It was actually kind of interesting to read my last post because I totally forgot about what it said. I was right to a degree about the no more absolute yeses or nos - but I still have to feel right with it to make a firm decision. This one was hard because there are no absolutes, because I both love and hate my job (it felt like breaking up with Ian again!) but, when I stopped to think about it, I understood that I at least have to know what it's like somewhere else. And when I asked myself if I had done everything in my power to fix what was wrong and to find a way to stay and answered no, I had not... and I felt perfectly okay with that.
It's time to jump again. Obviously my instincts are telling me something - the anarchy... can't take the absolute constant anarchy of the place! - and I follow those instincts now, right? Actually, the thing that made up my mind for me was when I realized that I lost that happiness and questioned whether it was even real. It has to be. I will not live my life complaining all the time, being pissed off and exhausted, avoiding social situations and destroying my health. This was a nice lesson... back one step, forward two... that is called learning. I like learning.
Now, let's see what happens!!!
Saturday, August 8, 2009
What do I want?
I feel like I've lost something. I've been trying to figure out what. I realized today that perhaps the highs that I have been chasing my whole life don't really exist without the lows. The lows are gone now. And it's not that I feel like I can't be happy, I think I was just expecting to be exorbitantly happy... because, if you're not HAPPPPPY then you must be sad, right? Now I just am. And, quite sadly, a large part of me is missing the HI-GHs. I guess it's true, there is just no pleasing me.
But now it's time to just start living my life. Again. Still. Finally.
Just not really sure what that means at this exact moment. Should I try for that other job? It would be a half hour (absolute minimum) commute each way... I actually enjoyed commuting way back but that was because I was living with Karl and very excited to have alone time without him. (Maybe with a commute I could handle a relationship!) It pisses me off to go to work these days... but is that just the way it's going to be at any job and I have unrealistically high expectations? Actually, that's part of the reason that I want to change jobs - at least then I will know.
I want to know if every place is run like that... a.k.a. very badly. I want to know if this is the right industry for me, as much as I feel that it is. I want to know if maybe I would be happier in a simple casual position instead of running the place. I want to know what it would be like to be actually trained to do my job. I want to know if this is the next step and if I should take it.
I knew about this assistant manager job opening for a while but last week I really felt like I'm ready to... ready to what? Ready to leave where I am? It's been four months. I love the residents. I even love Jane, my boss, even though I think she is not cut out for this position. And what if she fucks up enough to lose her job and I get it? Then I have to work for/with Cora? Hells no. Hells no. At least this way I will know if I'm living in a fantasy world and then I can work with that. I just don't know if it's time. And in my life philosophy, if the answer isn't yes, then it has to be no. But fuck my life philosophy! What do I know, right? There is no guarantee that I will even get it... at least if I apply, I will have an actual decision to make. Why do I make life so complicated?
But now it's time to just start living my life. Again. Still. Finally.
Just not really sure what that means at this exact moment. Should I try for that other job? It would be a half hour (absolute minimum) commute each way... I actually enjoyed commuting way back but that was because I was living with Karl and very excited to have alone time without him. (Maybe with a commute I could handle a relationship!) It pisses me off to go to work these days... but is that just the way it's going to be at any job and I have unrealistically high expectations? Actually, that's part of the reason that I want to change jobs - at least then I will know.
I want to know if every place is run like that... a.k.a. very badly. I want to know if this is the right industry for me, as much as I feel that it is. I want to know if maybe I would be happier in a simple casual position instead of running the place. I want to know what it would be like to be actually trained to do my job. I want to know if this is the next step and if I should take it.
I knew about this assistant manager job opening for a while but last week I really felt like I'm ready to... ready to what? Ready to leave where I am? It's been four months. I love the residents. I even love Jane, my boss, even though I think she is not cut out for this position. And what if she fucks up enough to lose her job and I get it? Then I have to work for/with Cora? Hells no. Hells no. At least this way I will know if I'm living in a fantasy world and then I can work with that. I just don't know if it's time. And in my life philosophy, if the answer isn't yes, then it has to be no. But fuck my life philosophy! What do I know, right? There is no guarantee that I will even get it... at least if I apply, I will have an actual decision to make. Why do I make life so complicated?
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Oh my: POF
I work with independent seniors and I constantly think that
if life really is about survival of the fittest, then these are the people who win.
Everyone's body deteriorates differently and there is only so much you can do about it.
Just as we all developed at different paces and in different ways, our bodies will break down, too.
But to get all the way to the finish line?
That means you did something right.
I want to get there
(or as close as I damn well can)
and I want to know that I did everything I could to be who I am,
to be happy,
to be who I wanted me to be.
Not who I thought everyone else wanted me to be
or even who everyone seemed to think I was
but as me.
Not that I got there despite my best efforts,
b-i-t-c-h-ing about it all the way.
I want to get to the finish line knowing that I improved the world,
if only in some small way,
that I had made a difference in someone's life,
that I put a smile where there hadn't been one before,
that I had raised a child
or reached out a helping hand to someone in need.
Not because someone stood on an alter and said I was supposed to
and not because it was politically correct and someone was watching
but because maybe they will turn around and reach out a helping hand to someone else.
And if they didn't deserve a helping hand,
I think maybe it's worth the chance,
and maybe there's a chance they would realize that they could deserve it.
My finish line is a long, long way away
but I know that I will get there with a smile on my face and peace in my heart.
And I guess I'm keeping my eyes open
for the person I might want to go there with,
for a life time, for a day,
or anything in between.
(Because, let's face it, when you get old you get to use dementia as an excuse to fool around on each other!! lol)
if life really is about survival of the fittest, then these are the people who win.
Everyone's body deteriorates differently and there is only so much you can do about it.
Just as we all developed at different paces and in different ways, our bodies will break down, too.
But to get all the way to the finish line?
That means you did something right.
I want to get there
(or as close as I damn well can)
and I want to know that I did everything I could to be who I am,
to be happy,
to be who I wanted me to be.
Not who I thought everyone else wanted me to be
or even who everyone seemed to think I was
but as me.
Not that I got there despite my best efforts,
b-i-t-c-h-ing about it all the way.
I want to get to the finish line knowing that I improved the world,
if only in some small way,
that I had made a difference in someone's life,
that I put a smile where there hadn't been one before,
that I had raised a child
or reached out a helping hand to someone in need.
Not because someone stood on an alter and said I was supposed to
and not because it was politically correct and someone was watching
but because maybe they will turn around and reach out a helping hand to someone else.
And if they didn't deserve a helping hand,
I think maybe it's worth the chance,
and maybe there's a chance they would realize that they could deserve it.
My finish line is a long, long way away
but I know that I will get there with a smile on my face and peace in my heart.
And I guess I'm keeping my eyes open
for the person I might want to go there with,
for a life time, for a day,
or anything in between.
(Because, let's face it, when you get old you get to use dementia as an excuse to fool around on each other!! lol)
Facebook quiz: What kind of mask do you wear?
Pain
Your mask is pain. For some reason or another you just can't seem to find a positive outlook on life. You get angry when people try to relate with how you feel, because you're convinced they won't understand. Deep down you know there should be a million reasons for people to want to get to know you, but you often find yourself closing yourself off from those around you. You have your select friends, but can't help but want something more. You find opening up difficult, but you do find your ways to let things out. You have your good days, but even through the good times, you feel like there is always going to be those feelings that don't sit right.
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Ouch. Still? Really? I don't think so anymore... I think I'm just still learning my new outlook on life because I realized that that one didn't fit. My mother? My sister? Mmhmm.
Your mask is pain. For some reason or another you just can't seem to find a positive outlook on life. You get angry when people try to relate with how you feel, because you're convinced they won't understand. Deep down you know there should be a million reasons for people to want to get to know you, but you often find yourself closing yourself off from those around you. You have your select friends, but can't help but want something more. You find opening up difficult, but you do find your ways to let things out. You have your good days, but even through the good times, you feel like there is always going to be those feelings that don't sit right.
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Ouch. Still? Really? I don't think so anymore... I think I'm just still learning my new outlook on life because I realized that that one didn't fit. My mother? My sister? Mmhmm.
Facebook quiz: How old a soul are you?
Very Old Soul
When the winds of change blow, you sense the outcome ahead of others, having seen so much before. Surprises come in smaller forms to you, as in the unexpected experiences of the senses, deepening your appreciation of the physical. You want life to last so you can explore your mature understanding of existence. You have become patient with the younger souls, understanding their paths and of the challenges they face. You forgive much, often acting as mentor without pushing your beliefs upon others. You give without great expectations of receiving. Love has become the most valued concept in your universe - this life may be your quest to perfect your ability to express and receive perfect love. Thoughts of dying do not fill you with dread, as you understand death is a part of life, and life is a process of becoming... so death is a graduation, not an end. At rest, you feel at one with the universe and are grateful for your current home, Earth. You have a heartfelt affinity for history - the connections to various periods throughout time are undeniable. Very old souls are adept at recognizing other old souls... mutual respect forms naturally between them.
When the winds of change blow, you sense the outcome ahead of others, having seen so much before. Surprises come in smaller forms to you, as in the unexpected experiences of the senses, deepening your appreciation of the physical. You want life to last so you can explore your mature understanding of existence. You have become patient with the younger souls, understanding their paths and of the challenges they face. You forgive much, often acting as mentor without pushing your beliefs upon others. You give without great expectations of receiving. Love has become the most valued concept in your universe - this life may be your quest to perfect your ability to express and receive perfect love. Thoughts of dying do not fill you with dread, as you understand death is a part of life, and life is a process of becoming... so death is a graduation, not an end. At rest, you feel at one with the universe and are grateful for your current home, Earth. You have a heartfelt affinity for history - the connections to various periods throughout time are undeniable. Very old souls are adept at recognizing other old souls... mutual respect forms naturally between them.
Facebook quiz: What is your inner self?
A Universal Person
You are a perfect balance of everything. You've gone through a fair share of things and you are able to put yourself in other peoples shoes. You are caring and understanding. You are fun and warm to be around. You tend to help people. You know what it is like to be at an all time low and you know how to deal with things. You consider all of your friends to be "good friends. You are kinda like the Goldie Locks of personalities. The things you do are practical, but sensitive to whom it would affect. You are at ease with yourself, and have spent a good deal of time finding yourself, and now that you have, you've finally bloomed into something beautiful. Thanks for taking this quiz, I hope you enjoyed it.
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Wow.
You are a perfect balance of everything. You've gone through a fair share of things and you are able to put yourself in other peoples shoes. You are caring and understanding. You are fun and warm to be around. You tend to help people. You know what it is like to be at an all time low and you know how to deal with things. You consider all of your friends to be "good friends. You are kinda like the Goldie Locks of personalities. The things you do are practical, but sensitive to whom it would affect. You are at ease with yourself, and have spent a good deal of time finding yourself, and now that you have, you've finally bloomed into something beautiful. Thanks for taking this quiz, I hope you enjoyed it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wow.
Facebook quiz: What is your best trait?
Compassion
You don't judge others' faults but rather have compassion on them and what they are going through. Your first instinct when you see someone in need is to comfort them and show them how much you care. You are gracious, and love flows out of you naturally. Even in situations where most people would back away, you are right there for people with your arms wide open. You feel empathy for those who suffer, and this might be because of your kind nature or maybe even because you can relate; whatever the reason, you help heal wounds and are a shoulder to cry on.
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I think this might be why I'm good at what I do, working with seniors. They allow me to be this. I always thought it was weakness and stupid, it wasn't what I wanted to be so I hated it and became something else. And this is what I have learned again - but this time I know it's okay.
You don't judge others' faults but rather have compassion on them and what they are going through. Your first instinct when you see someone in need is to comfort them and show them how much you care. You are gracious, and love flows out of you naturally. Even in situations where most people would back away, you are right there for people with your arms wide open. You feel empathy for those who suffer, and this might be because of your kind nature or maybe even because you can relate; whatever the reason, you help heal wounds and are a shoulder to cry on.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I think this might be why I'm good at what I do, working with seniors. They allow me to be this. I always thought it was weakness and stupid, it wasn't what I wanted to be so I hated it and became something else. And this is what I have learned again - but this time I know it's okay.
Friday, June 12, 2009
Finally me - POF
I looked around the other day and realized that everyone is turning beige: conforming, blending in to the scenery, trying to be just like everyone else. That life is not for me - I live my life in colour! I will not settle, I will not make-do, I will not just let each day happen while I wait for the next one to come. I live every day on purpose with purpose - even the days that I just spend on the couch. I'm all in and I'm loving it!
The more I try, the more I want to try; the more I see, the more I want to see; the more I know, the more I want to know. I can find a silver lining anywhere and I love to share it with those who want to see it, too. What a fantastic way to live: with passion and vigour, face forward, learning from the past but never regretting a single moment of it. No wonder I can't stop smiling!
I'm looking for a guy who lives in colour, who likes to take chances and understands how fantastic life can be. I like men who are good with their hands (heh heh - I mean, like, mechanically!) (okay, the other thing, too! lol), confident and considerate of others. I want to be with someone who inspires me to grow and supports me when I want to run for cover, someone who is open to change and able to see all of the good that this world has to offer. I will never need someone else to complete my life but it sure would be nice to find someone who complements it.
Happy fishing!
The more I try, the more I want to try; the more I see, the more I want to see; the more I know, the more I want to know. I can find a silver lining anywhere and I love to share it with those who want to see it, too. What a fantastic way to live: with passion and vigour, face forward, learning from the past but never regretting a single moment of it. No wonder I can't stop smiling!
I'm looking for a guy who lives in colour, who likes to take chances and understands how fantastic life can be. I like men who are good with their hands (heh heh - I mean, like, mechanically!) (okay, the other thing, too! lol), confident and considerate of others. I want to be with someone who inspires me to grow and supports me when I want to run for cover, someone who is open to change and able to see all of the good that this world has to offer. I will never need someone else to complete my life but it sure would be nice to find someone who complements it.
Happy fishing!
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Another
I don't know anything about the man I will end up with. I have no idea where he is from or what he looks like but I know who he will be and I know how I will feel when he is around. He will treat me and others with respect and consideration, he will be able to make me laugh so hard I fall off my chair; he will be affectionate and warm but understand that having some time apart is just as important as time together. He will have or want children and dogs; he will love all kinds of music and movies. He will have strong hands and a big heart and I will feel safe and loved when he is around. We will play board games and video games instead of mind games and we will debate issues and ideas instead of argue about the clothes left on the floor. And it won't matter who is right or wrong because I will know that he is right for me.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
I was gonna put this on my profile but I'm not but I thought it was interesting
Yes, I admit it. I'm different. I spent most of my life trying to hide that until I realized that different can be a good thing!
Just in little ways. Like I reach out a helping hand, whether or not that person would do the same for me. I pick up trash that I see on the floor, even thought that's "someone else's job". I always have a spare toothbrush on hand in case a guest needs one and I bake cookies for people that I care about. I am friends with every single guy I ever dated - because their side of the story is just as valid as mine. I assume that people are acting with the best intentions until they show me otherwise (and everyone shows their true intentions eventually - good or bad).
I follow my instincts and believe that I can achieve anything that I can imagine... as long as I am willing to work for it. I have a new job that I LOVE which pays 1/3 of what I made in a job I hated (a worthy trade, I say!). I have a new lifestyle that some view as a step backward but it is actually one small part of a major jump forward. I have a life-long "to do" list that I am about half way through (wondering what I already checked off? flying a plane, bungee jumping, travelling to somewhere other than my Newfoundland home, hot-air ballooning, seeing Duran Duran in concert, taking a full year off work to do anything I wanted and absolutely nothing that I didn't feel like doing, horseback riding, ran the Vancouver Sun Run and oh so much more!)... and the list is open ended which makes every day a potential adventure!
I am happy when I am around others and I am happy when I am alone. I am who I am 100% of the time. Don't worry, I don't think that I am anywhere near perfect! I have bad days and can be a b-i-t-c-h like everyone else but I try my best to recognize it and make adjustments as required (like quiting my job when I realized that I wanted to cry every morning because I had to go to work... and the day didn't get much better from there). Who wants to be perfect? I'm totally okay with imperfections... because having them means I still have some living and learning to do.
Yes, I'm different. I am upfront and open about who I am and what I am looking for in my life and in my significant other... because that's how I'm going to get what I am looking for!
Just in little ways. Like I reach out a helping hand, whether or not that person would do the same for me. I pick up trash that I see on the floor, even thought that's "someone else's job". I always have a spare toothbrush on hand in case a guest needs one and I bake cookies for people that I care about. I am friends with every single guy I ever dated - because their side of the story is just as valid as mine. I assume that people are acting with the best intentions until they show me otherwise (and everyone shows their true intentions eventually - good or bad).
I follow my instincts and believe that I can achieve anything that I can imagine... as long as I am willing to work for it. I have a new job that I LOVE which pays 1/3 of what I made in a job I hated (a worthy trade, I say!). I have a new lifestyle that some view as a step backward but it is actually one small part of a major jump forward. I have a life-long "to do" list that I am about half way through (wondering what I already checked off? flying a plane, bungee jumping, travelling to somewhere other than my Newfoundland home, hot-air ballooning, seeing Duran Duran in concert, taking a full year off work to do anything I wanted and absolutely nothing that I didn't feel like doing, horseback riding, ran the Vancouver Sun Run and oh so much more!)... and the list is open ended which makes every day a potential adventure!
I am happy when I am around others and I am happy when I am alone. I am who I am 100% of the time. Don't worry, I don't think that I am anywhere near perfect! I have bad days and can be a b-i-t-c-h like everyone else but I try my best to recognize it and make adjustments as required (like quiting my job when I realized that I wanted to cry every morning because I had to go to work... and the day didn't get much better from there). Who wants to be perfect? I'm totally okay with imperfections... because having them means I still have some living and learning to do.
Yes, I'm different. I am upfront and open about who I am and what I am looking for in my life and in my significant other... because that's how I'm going to get what I am looking for!
Monday, May 11, 2009
Be careful what you wish for...
Did you ever notice how the only time anyone ever says "be careful what you wish for" is when they think something bad might happen? Well, experimenter of theories that I am, about a year ago I decided to turn that theory around - I decided to be careful what I wished for, but in a good way.
I had everything that I ever wanted: I made (almost) a six figure salary, nice car, my own condo decorated with brand new custom furniture. But I still didn't feel satisfied, I just wasn't happy. I realized that I had just coasted my whole life and maybe it was time to put a little effort into my life. I quit my job and set off a series of events that changed my life forever.
I learned that I can be happy - not just 'having a good day' happy but deep down to the soul happy. I learned that I have the ability to do and/or be anything that I want... as long as I want to work at it. And I learned peace.
So now I'm very careful about what I wish for... because I'm going to get it.
I had everything that I ever wanted: I made (almost) a six figure salary, nice car, my own condo decorated with brand new custom furniture. But I still didn't feel satisfied, I just wasn't happy. I realized that I had just coasted my whole life and maybe it was time to put a little effort into my life. I quit my job and set off a series of events that changed my life forever.
I learned that I can be happy - not just 'having a good day' happy but deep down to the soul happy. I learned that I have the ability to do and/or be anything that I want... as long as I want to work at it. And I learned peace.
So now I'm very careful about what I wish for... because I'm going to get it.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
It's a beautiful life
"You can do what you want
just seize the day
What you're doing tomorrow's
gonna come your way
Don't you ever consider giving up
you will find, oh
It's a beautiful life
It's a beautiful life"
"And the day that you spin
from your little cocoon
Well, you can't be prepared
for the beauty you'll find there
You'll find beauty
in the toughest of places
And I will be thinking of you
out there"
"There's only two types of people in the world
The ones that entertain and the ones that observe
Baby I'm a put on a show kinda girl
Don't like the back seat, I'm always first"
"I'm a shooting star leaping through the skies
Like a tiger defying the laws of gravity
I'm a racing car passing by like Lady Godiva
I'm gonna go go go
There's no stopping me"
"What would you say if I said something strange
That made a difference in how you feel
What would you do if I did something out of the blue
That made the world a better place
Oh, I think I will"
"It took me all my life
to finally figure out
that I'm not in the mood
to be anything like you
And maybe it's alright
and maybe now
I'll conduct my choir
I'll figure it out"
"I've got a smile on my face
I've got four walls around me
Got the sun in the sky
All the waters surround me
Yeah, I win now but sometimes I lose
I've been battered
but I never bruise
It's not so bad
And I say way-hey-hey
It's just an ordinary day
and it's all your state of mind
At the end of the day
you've still got to say it's all right
In this beautiful life
there's always some sorrow
But it's a double edged knife
because there's always tomorrow
It's up to you now
if you sink or swim
Just keep the faith
that your ship will come in
It's not so bad"
"I'm starting with the man in the mirror
I'm asking him to change his ways
And no message could have been any clearer
If you wanna make the world a better place
Take a look at yourself, and then make a change"
"Just one of those things
When everything goes incredible
And all is beautiful
And all of those things that used to get you down
Now have no effect at all
'Cause life is beautiful"
"Voted most likely to end up on the back of a milk box drink
Looks like I'm lettin' 'em down
Cause se-ven seventy-five isn't worth an hour of my hard work and time
When you can't afford half the shit they advertise
Oh I'm worth more than an x,
More then a toe-tag generation full of regret
Oh I won't settle no, oh I can't settle
I wanna break the mold, wanna break the stereotype
Fist in the air, I'm not going down without a fight
It's my life and I'm not sitting on the sidelines watching
It pass me by
I'm leaving you my legacy
I gotta make my mark
I gotta run in hard
I want you to remember me
I'm leaving my fingerprints
I'm leaving my fingerprints"
"Here's to the next time
I wrap myself around a tree
I know that you'll be there with bells on
To pull me off
Thanx for throwing me the line
when I lost sight of it
You're the only reason I can exhale
And now suddenly when I find
that the outcome's just not right
for what I just did
You're the only one I can breathe through"
"I had it tough when I was just a little kid
It didn't matter what I thought
It didn't matter what I did
I felt the doubt for what I liked right from the start
It did a number on my head
But it could never touch my heart
Cause I had just enough imagination
Just enough to keep the faith
Somehow I would think of what to do
When I get lost in the momentary weakness of emotion
All the angels came around to help me through
Life pull fast changes
Wind blows past pages
All I see is that I don't need this
High strung tight-rope walk
Ticking time bomb clock
Scratch my name and cut these chains
I'm free
Kicking out that prison I am free
Singing those words of wisdom
Let it be
Nobody gonna put the blues inside of me
And in the stress to be the best
I've done it all
I slammed the doors, I jammed the locks
I laid the bricks, I built the walls
No one could tell me back then
Why joy eluded me
It kept bumping into that misery
Locked up deep down inside of me
Took that rage and I
Turned that page and I
Packed my tools, went back to school
And I passed my graduation
And I hold my PhD
In crash test moves I've paid those dues"
"Hurry up and wait
So close, but so far away
Everything that you've always dreamt of
Close enough for you to taste
But you just can't touch
You wanna show the world, but no one knows your name yet
Wonder when and where and how you're gonna make it
You know you can if you get the chance
In your face and the door keeps slamming
Now you're feeling more and more frustrated
And you're getting all kind of impatient waiting
We live and we learn to take
One step at a time
There's no need to rush
It's like learning to fly
Or falling in love
It's gonna happen when it's
Supposed to happen that we
Find the reasons why
One step at a time
You believe and you doubt
You're confused, you got it all figured out
Everything that you always wished for
Could be yours, should be yours, would be yours
If they only knew"
"We haven't met
And that's okay
'Cause you will be asking for me one day
Don't want to wait
In line
The moment is mine believe me
Don't close your eyes
'Cause it's a chance worth takin'
And I think that I can shake you
I know where I stand
I know who I am
I would never run away when life gets bad, it's
Everything I see
Every part of me
Gonna get what I deserve
I got nerve"
"Feet on ground
Heart in hand
Facing forward
Be yourself"
"Goin' to the land of opportunity
Manifest destiny
Do you want to change your mind?
You can always change your mind"
"When I'm up
I can't get down
Can't get down
can't get level
When I'm up
I can't get down
get my feet back on the ground"
"Wake up without a care
Your head's not heavy
Your conscience clear
Sins are all forgiven here
Yours and mine
Fear has gone without a trace
It's the perfect time
it's the perfect place
Nothing hurtin', nothin' sore
So no one suffers anymore
The doctor's found a simple cure
just in time
All these things if I were king
would all appear around me
The world will sing
when I am king
The world will sing
when I am king
Daylight waits to shine
until the moment you awaken
So you never miss the dawn
No question now
you know which road you're taking
Lights all green
the radio plays just the perfect song
All these things if I were king
would all appear around me
The world will sing
when I am king
The world will sing
when I am king"
"Well, I fought with a stranger
and I met myself
I opened my mouth
and I heard myself
It can get pretty low
when you show yourself
Guess I could have made it
easier on myself
But I could never follow
No I could never follow
Well, I never seem to do it
like anybody else
Maybe someday
someday I'm gonna settle down
If you ever want to find me
I can still be found
Taking the long way around"
"First, when there's nothing but a slow glowing dream
That your fear seems to hide deep inside your mind
All alone I have cried silent tears full of pride
In a world made of steel, made of stone
Well I hear the music, close my eyes, feel the rhythm
Wrap around, take a hold of my heart
What a feeling, bein's believin'
I can have it all, now I'm dancin' for my life
Take your passion, and make it happen
Pictures come alive, you can dance right through your life"
"Hush, just stop
There’s nothing you can do or say, baby
I’ve had enough
I’m not your property as from today, baby
You might think that I won't make it on my own
But now I’m…
Stronger than yesterday
Now it’s nothing but my way
My loneliness ain’t killing me no more
I’m stronger
That I ever thought that I could be, baby
I used to go with the flow
Didn’t really care ‘bout me
You might think that I can’t take it, but you’re wrong
‘Cause now I’m…
Stronger than yesterday
Now it’s nothing but my way
My loneliness ain’t killing me no more
I’m stronger"
"Like a cat in heat stuck in a moving car
a scary conversation shut my eyes can't find the brake
Would it be said that you're a climber
naturally I'm worried if I do it alone
Who really cares cause it's your life
you never know it could be great
Take a chance cause you might grow
what you waiting for
Tick toc, tick toc
Take a chance you stupid ho
Like an echo peddle
you're repeating yourself
You know it off by heart
why are you standing in one place
Life is short, you're capable
What you waiting for"
"I'm Gonna Make A Change
For Once In My Life
It's Gonna Feel Real Good
Gonna Make A Difference
Gonna Make It Right
As I, Turn Up The Collar On My
Favourite Winter Coat
This Wind Is Blowin' My Mind
I See The Kids In The Street
With Not Enough To Eat
Who Am I, To Be Blind
Pretending Not To See
Their Needs
A Summer's Disregard
A Broken Bottle Top
And A One Man's Soul
They Follow Each Other On
The Wind Ya' Know
Cause They Got Nowhere To Go
That's Why I Want You To Know
I'm Starting With The Man In The Mirror
I'm Asking Him To Change His Ways
And No Message Could Have
Been Any Clearer
If You Wanna Make The World
A Better Place
Take A Look At Yourself
And Then Make A Change
I've Been A Victim Of
A Selfish Kind Of Love
It's Time That I Realize
That There Are Some With No Home
Not A Nickel To Loan
Could It Be Really Me
Pretending That They're Not Alone?
A Willow Deeply Scarred,
Somebody's Broken Heart
And A Washed-Out Dream
They Follow The Pattern Of The Wind, Ya' See
Cause They Got No Place To Be
That's Why I'm Starting With Me
I'm Starting With The Man In The Mirror
I'm Asking Him To Change His Ways
And No Message Could Have
Been Any Clearer
If You Wanna Make The World
A Better Place
Take A Look At Yourself And
Then Make A Change"
just seize the day
What you're doing tomorrow's
gonna come your way
Don't you ever consider giving up
you will find, oh
It's a beautiful life
It's a beautiful life"
"And the day that you spin
from your little cocoon
Well, you can't be prepared
for the beauty you'll find there
You'll find beauty
in the toughest of places
And I will be thinking of you
out there"
"There's only two types of people in the world
The ones that entertain and the ones that observe
Baby I'm a put on a show kinda girl
Don't like the back seat, I'm always first"
"I'm a shooting star leaping through the skies
Like a tiger defying the laws of gravity
I'm a racing car passing by like Lady Godiva
I'm gonna go go go
There's no stopping me"
"What would you say if I said something strange
That made a difference in how you feel
What would you do if I did something out of the blue
That made the world a better place
Oh, I think I will"
"It took me all my life
to finally figure out
that I'm not in the mood
to be anything like you
And maybe it's alright
and maybe now
I'll conduct my choir
I'll figure it out"
"I've got a smile on my face
I've got four walls around me
Got the sun in the sky
All the waters surround me
Yeah, I win now but sometimes I lose
I've been battered
but I never bruise
It's not so bad
And I say way-hey-hey
It's just an ordinary day
and it's all your state of mind
At the end of the day
you've still got to say it's all right
In this beautiful life
there's always some sorrow
But it's a double edged knife
because there's always tomorrow
It's up to you now
if you sink or swim
Just keep the faith
that your ship will come in
It's not so bad"
"I'm starting with the man in the mirror
I'm asking him to change his ways
And no message could have been any clearer
If you wanna make the world a better place
Take a look at yourself, and then make a change"
"Just one of those things
When everything goes incredible
And all is beautiful
And all of those things that used to get you down
Now have no effect at all
'Cause life is beautiful"
"Voted most likely to end up on the back of a milk box drink
Looks like I'm lettin' 'em down
Cause se-ven seventy-five isn't worth an hour of my hard work and time
When you can't afford half the shit they advertise
Oh I'm worth more than an x,
More then a toe-tag generation full of regret
Oh I won't settle no, oh I can't settle
I wanna break the mold, wanna break the stereotype
Fist in the air, I'm not going down without a fight
It's my life and I'm not sitting on the sidelines watching
It pass me by
I'm leaving you my legacy
I gotta make my mark
I gotta run in hard
I want you to remember me
I'm leaving my fingerprints
I'm leaving my fingerprints"
"Here's to the next time
I wrap myself around a tree
I know that you'll be there with bells on
To pull me off
Thanx for throwing me the line
when I lost sight of it
You're the only reason I can exhale
And now suddenly when I find
that the outcome's just not right
for what I just did
You're the only one I can breathe through"
"I had it tough when I was just a little kid
It didn't matter what I thought
It didn't matter what I did
I felt the doubt for what I liked right from the start
It did a number on my head
But it could never touch my heart
Cause I had just enough imagination
Just enough to keep the faith
Somehow I would think of what to do
When I get lost in the momentary weakness of emotion
All the angels came around to help me through
Life pull fast changes
Wind blows past pages
All I see is that I don't need this
High strung tight-rope walk
Ticking time bomb clock
Scratch my name and cut these chains
I'm free
Kicking out that prison I am free
Singing those words of wisdom
Let it be
Nobody gonna put the blues inside of me
And in the stress to be the best
I've done it all
I slammed the doors, I jammed the locks
I laid the bricks, I built the walls
No one could tell me back then
Why joy eluded me
It kept bumping into that misery
Locked up deep down inside of me
Took that rage and I
Turned that page and I
Packed my tools, went back to school
And I passed my graduation
And I hold my PhD
In crash test moves I've paid those dues"
"Hurry up and wait
So close, but so far away
Everything that you've always dreamt of
Close enough for you to taste
But you just can't touch
You wanna show the world, but no one knows your name yet
Wonder when and where and how you're gonna make it
You know you can if you get the chance
In your face and the door keeps slamming
Now you're feeling more and more frustrated
And you're getting all kind of impatient waiting
We live and we learn to take
One step at a time
There's no need to rush
It's like learning to fly
Or falling in love
It's gonna happen when it's
Supposed to happen that we
Find the reasons why
One step at a time
You believe and you doubt
You're confused, you got it all figured out
Everything that you always wished for
Could be yours, should be yours, would be yours
If they only knew"
"We haven't met
And that's okay
'Cause you will be asking for me one day
Don't want to wait
In line
The moment is mine believe me
Don't close your eyes
'Cause it's a chance worth takin'
And I think that I can shake you
I know where I stand
I know who I am
I would never run away when life gets bad, it's
Everything I see
Every part of me
Gonna get what I deserve
I got nerve"
"Feet on ground
Heart in hand
Facing forward
Be yourself"
"Goin' to the land of opportunity
Manifest destiny
Do you want to change your mind?
You can always change your mind"
"When I'm up
I can't get down
Can't get down
can't get level
When I'm up
I can't get down
get my feet back on the ground"
"Wake up without a care
Your head's not heavy
Your conscience clear
Sins are all forgiven here
Yours and mine
Fear has gone without a trace
It's the perfect time
it's the perfect place
Nothing hurtin', nothin' sore
So no one suffers anymore
The doctor's found a simple cure
just in time
All these things if I were king
would all appear around me
The world will sing
when I am king
The world will sing
when I am king
Daylight waits to shine
until the moment you awaken
So you never miss the dawn
No question now
you know which road you're taking
Lights all green
the radio plays just the perfect song
All these things if I were king
would all appear around me
The world will sing
when I am king
The world will sing
when I am king"
"Well, I fought with a stranger
and I met myself
I opened my mouth
and I heard myself
It can get pretty low
when you show yourself
Guess I could have made it
easier on myself
But I could never follow
No I could never follow
Well, I never seem to do it
like anybody else
Maybe someday
someday I'm gonna settle down
If you ever want to find me
I can still be found
Taking the long way around"
"First, when there's nothing but a slow glowing dream
That your fear seems to hide deep inside your mind
All alone I have cried silent tears full of pride
In a world made of steel, made of stone
Well I hear the music, close my eyes, feel the rhythm
Wrap around, take a hold of my heart
What a feeling, bein's believin'
I can have it all, now I'm dancin' for my life
Take your passion, and make it happen
Pictures come alive, you can dance right through your life"
"Hush, just stop
There’s nothing you can do or say, baby
I’ve had enough
I’m not your property as from today, baby
You might think that I won't make it on my own
But now I’m…
Stronger than yesterday
Now it’s nothing but my way
My loneliness ain’t killing me no more
I’m stronger
That I ever thought that I could be, baby
I used to go with the flow
Didn’t really care ‘bout me
You might think that I can’t take it, but you’re wrong
‘Cause now I’m…
Stronger than yesterday
Now it’s nothing but my way
My loneliness ain’t killing me no more
I’m stronger"
"Like a cat in heat stuck in a moving car
a scary conversation shut my eyes can't find the brake
Would it be said that you're a climber
naturally I'm worried if I do it alone
Who really cares cause it's your life
you never know it could be great
Take a chance cause you might grow
what you waiting for
Tick toc, tick toc
Take a chance you stupid ho
Like an echo peddle
you're repeating yourself
You know it off by heart
why are you standing in one place
Life is short, you're capable
What you waiting for"
"I'm Gonna Make A Change
For Once In My Life
It's Gonna Feel Real Good
Gonna Make A Difference
Gonna Make It Right
As I, Turn Up The Collar On My
Favourite Winter Coat
This Wind Is Blowin' My Mind
I See The Kids In The Street
With Not Enough To Eat
Who Am I, To Be Blind
Pretending Not To See
Their Needs
A Summer's Disregard
A Broken Bottle Top
And A One Man's Soul
They Follow Each Other On
The Wind Ya' Know
Cause They Got Nowhere To Go
That's Why I Want You To Know
I'm Starting With The Man In The Mirror
I'm Asking Him To Change His Ways
And No Message Could Have
Been Any Clearer
If You Wanna Make The World
A Better Place
Take A Look At Yourself
And Then Make A Change
I've Been A Victim Of
A Selfish Kind Of Love
It's Time That I Realize
That There Are Some With No Home
Not A Nickel To Loan
Could It Be Really Me
Pretending That They're Not Alone?
A Willow Deeply Scarred,
Somebody's Broken Heart
And A Washed-Out Dream
They Follow The Pattern Of The Wind, Ya' See
Cause They Got No Place To Be
That's Why I'm Starting With Me
I'm Starting With The Man In The Mirror
I'm Asking Him To Change His Ways
And No Message Could Have
Been Any Clearer
If You Wanna Make The World
A Better Place
Take A Look At Yourself And
Then Make A Change"
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Oh, how I cried.
I'm sorry. That was fast but furious but I felt okay right after. I shouldn't have said that. I'm not going to hurt myself. I would never hurt myself. It was intense, I'm not going to say it wasn't, but I got through it and I really feel okay. It's just time to get up, that's all.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Sometimes
As positive as I sound sometimes, there are still times that I wonder if I will actually come out of all of this in one piece. All of this analyzing and soul-searching is a load of crap. Is my life any different than when it first started? Really? I don't think so. Will I always sit here and hate myself because no one loves me and because I seem to be so beyond hope. It really seems as if I will. So I quit my job, and left the guy, and sold my condo and nothing is different. Nothing. FUCKING NOTHING!!!!!!!!! Christ! If I had a gun in my hand right now... I would probably do nothing... but I would be so fucking tempted it's not fucking funny. This has to end. It has to. It has to. It has to. It has to. It has to. It has to. Please. Just stop.
Alcohol makes me want to hurt myself... it's all coming back to me now...
Alcohol makes me want to hurt myself... it's all coming back to me now...
Three cheers for mental stability! Or maybe just two...
One of the most interesting things that has come out of all of this personal exploration is that I now realize that I very often did not correctly assess my feelings. Everything went into the depressed pile or I'm an asshole pile and it never seemed to click that there was a I am completely normal pile.
It's called jealousy. Not extreme, not debilitating, just jealousy. That little gnawing feeling at the pit of your stomach that normal would have sent me straight to the couch with a big bag of chips and a big fat doobie. That little bit of gut rot that automatically screams "you idiot! look how fat you are - why would anyone want you when they could have someone else??" It even stings when it's someone that I don't particularly want.
But that's not totally true, I guess. I have been developing quite the little crush on this Dave person. I like him. I like being around him. I have fun with him. He makes me feel good about myself. I am myself with him - that is completely huge! Do I want a romantic relationship with him? I keep saying how cool it is to be friends with a guy without all the other crap but the more I am with him the more I am looking for that other crap.
It seems the only thing that I can do is this: wait. Let's see what happens. Be open to all possibilities but not fixated on any one possibility in particular. Yes, I like that idea. Let's just see.
It's called jealousy. Not extreme, not debilitating, just jealousy. That little gnawing feeling at the pit of your stomach that normal would have sent me straight to the couch with a big bag of chips and a big fat doobie. That little bit of gut rot that automatically screams "you idiot! look how fat you are - why would anyone want you when they could have someone else??" It even stings when it's someone that I don't particularly want.
But that's not totally true, I guess. I have been developing quite the little crush on this Dave person. I like him. I like being around him. I have fun with him. He makes me feel good about myself. I am myself with him - that is completely huge! Do I want a romantic relationship with him? I keep saying how cool it is to be friends with a guy without all the other crap but the more I am with him the more I am looking for that other crap.
It seems the only thing that I can do is this: wait. Let's see what happens. Be open to all possibilities but not fixated on any one possibility in particular. Yes, I like that idea. Let's just see.
Monday, March 9, 2009
Meet the truth
The problem with pot is that you spend so much time thinking about what you are going to do that you rarely do it.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Oprah's on/Oprah's wrong
For the past few days I have been sitting on my couch, watching Oprah's 20 year anniversary DVD box set thingy that I gave to Julie for Christmas years ago and borrowed back from Julie years ago and finally started to watch. I started to watch because I have been studying to be me and something that I read in Cesar Millan's dog book made me think, yes, I would like to observe this woman and how she connects with people because I want to connect with people. So this is pure study and not at all entertainment. ;-)
Okay, well, that's how it started and it is still that but it has been very entertaining and enlightening, too. The section about her weight struggles was on earlier and she said something that made me really stop and think. Oprah said that you won't lose weight until you learn to love yourself. And I don't agree. I love myself. I have taken strides to ensure that I love myself. I have worked hard to become myself, to become a person that I do love, to become who I want to be. And I truly believe that deep, deep, deep down, in my very soul, I love myself. Also, I would like to point out that these dvd's were recorded in 2005 and Oprah has since admitted to her continuing struggle with food. Does Oprah not love herself?
And, as I was standing in my kitchen, grating up the cheese to put on my nachos for my mid-afternoon snack - more for something to do than anything - it hit me. I love food. I hate food and the hatred that I feel for food has spurred me into stopping the love affair time and time again but I keep coming back. It's like an abusive relationship. It hurts me and it sickens me and it beats me down, food takes away my self esteem and food is my punishment and makes me feel like I am less than I should be. And I hate food so I leave. But, inevitably, I go back.
We have this honeymoon period. Food promises that it will never wrong me again, food loves me, food is wonderful. Food romances me and food gives me complete control over our relationship. Until the moment that I realize that I got sucked in again. Food has again taken away my self worth, food has made me into something that I don't want to be, food has stolen my dignity. And more I fight it, the more it wins. The more I struggle and make threats and run away, the more it controls me. The only way that I can beat food is to take away it's power. The only way that I can win is to be me. Fat or not fat, I need to live my life.
Because something else occurred to me right after - something that was by no means a secret but needed to be brought up again - I am not fulfilled. I am not happy because I am not living the life that I want to live. I sit here in my comfort zone and I let life happen all around me. That's not enough for me anymore. I want to be me. I want to be the person that I know I can be. I always comment on the struggle of being different and going my own way and taking the long way around but I am still only half doing it. Well, here's my opportunity. Here is my chance to make a change.
It's not about money - I do not care about money. I do not care about stuff. I do not care what kind of car I drive, where I live, how much I spent on my furniture. No matter where I am or what I do, I will always take pride in what I have, my home will always reflect my personality, I will be the person that I am inside. So, how to become fulfilled? That is the question.
I want to help people. I want to walk my talk. I want to do... something. I guess it's time to start figuring out what that is.
Wish me luck.
Okay, well, that's how it started and it is still that but it has been very entertaining and enlightening, too. The section about her weight struggles was on earlier and she said something that made me really stop and think. Oprah said that you won't lose weight until you learn to love yourself. And I don't agree. I love myself. I have taken strides to ensure that I love myself. I have worked hard to become myself, to become a person that I do love, to become who I want to be. And I truly believe that deep, deep, deep down, in my very soul, I love myself. Also, I would like to point out that these dvd's were recorded in 2005 and Oprah has since admitted to her continuing struggle with food. Does Oprah not love herself?
And, as I was standing in my kitchen, grating up the cheese to put on my nachos for my mid-afternoon snack - more for something to do than anything - it hit me. I love food. I hate food and the hatred that I feel for food has spurred me into stopping the love affair time and time again but I keep coming back. It's like an abusive relationship. It hurts me and it sickens me and it beats me down, food takes away my self esteem and food is my punishment and makes me feel like I am less than I should be. And I hate food so I leave. But, inevitably, I go back.
We have this honeymoon period. Food promises that it will never wrong me again, food loves me, food is wonderful. Food romances me and food gives me complete control over our relationship. Until the moment that I realize that I got sucked in again. Food has again taken away my self worth, food has made me into something that I don't want to be, food has stolen my dignity. And more I fight it, the more it wins. The more I struggle and make threats and run away, the more it controls me. The only way that I can beat food is to take away it's power. The only way that I can win is to be me. Fat or not fat, I need to live my life.
Because something else occurred to me right after - something that was by no means a secret but needed to be brought up again - I am not fulfilled. I am not happy because I am not living the life that I want to live. I sit here in my comfort zone and I let life happen all around me. That's not enough for me anymore. I want to be me. I want to be the person that I know I can be. I always comment on the struggle of being different and going my own way and taking the long way around but I am still only half doing it. Well, here's my opportunity. Here is my chance to make a change.
It's not about money - I do not care about money. I do not care about stuff. I do not care what kind of car I drive, where I live, how much I spent on my furniture. No matter where I am or what I do, I will always take pride in what I have, my home will always reflect my personality, I will be the person that I am inside. So, how to become fulfilled? That is the question.
I want to help people. I want to walk my talk. I want to do... something. I guess it's time to start figuring out what that is.
Wish me luck.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Still haven't found what I'm looking for
SOLD! Okay, Stacey, accepted offer. lol Subjects removed on the 11th and then SOLD!
Yet, oddly, not the best day ever. Not a totally bad day; not the best day that got better at around 5pm. When - I think - I decided on the next step. Beginning details:
1. go to school - Academy of Learning, Hospitality Management
2. new car - Jeep Cherokee Sport, Black (my dream car of yore!)
3. get a waitressing gig - pub is hiring, senior's place is, too
4. new pad - sell most of my furniture and go minimalist?
5. become a movie extra - just for something interesting to do... just so I can say I did!
Yet, oddly, not the best day ever. Not a totally bad day; not the best day that got better at around 5pm. When - I think - I decided on the next step. Beginning details:
1. go to school - Academy of Learning, Hospitality Management
2. new car - Jeep Cherokee Sport, Black (my dream car of yore!)
3. get a waitressing gig - pub is hiring, senior's place is, too
4. new pad - sell most of my furniture and go minimalist?
5. become a movie extra - just for something interesting to do... just so I can say I did!
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
The never ending battle
I guess I shouldn't scream about how sick of this I am anymore; it has become my life. Again. What has always been my life is still my life. (funny how wine makes me cry faster than pot does, huh?)
Nothing new. Just sitting here, hating my guts. Wondering what I do wrong. Wondering why men just don't want me. It's the fat, of course it's the fat. So why can't I just get off of my cellulite ass and do something about it? I don't even like eating anymore - it's just something to fucking do.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I hate my life so much at this second. But two minutes ago it was awesome so I guess I will just sit here and wait for that to come back.
Will I never be satisfied?
Nothing new. Just sitting here, hating my guts. Wondering what I do wrong. Wondering why men just don't want me. It's the fat, of course it's the fat. So why can't I just get off of my cellulite ass and do something about it? I don't even like eating anymore - it's just something to fucking do.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I hate my life so much at this second. But two minutes ago it was awesome so I guess I will just sit here and wait for that to come back.
Will I never be satisfied?
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Run, Forest... Run!
Oh fuck. You have no idea what it's like to be me. Of course, I also have no idea what it's like to be you but we are talking about me here? Hello? Me? Pay attention!
Ya. Stoned.
I hate it when I don't like being me. I like being me. I really like being me. About 95% of the time I like being me... but that fucking other 5% fucks it up for everyone else. God, I have to work on her, don't I? The jealous girl? That part of me that hates every good looking woman on the face of the planet. How odd... I never read it as jealously before but mother fucker, all I wanted to do was leave and cry and go to McDonald's. Oops... let's go back a minute or two.
I love this program that I am doing. I love the people... I have not been in a setting like this in so long. Like, since Newfoundland, almost. Like, high school. All the cool kids go to lunch everyday... but I really make an effort to let everyone know that they're invited. My version of high school = no cliques. This is where I am me at my finest... almost. And every mistake is a step closer to getting it right. I'm struggling, I really am. This is hard. I am already past where I would normally be. Of course, I go every day so its hard to lose the edge. Like swimming lessons. And step class. And dancing lessons. And probably a billion other things that I have started and stopped. School. Guitar.
It's hard. I am learning a lot but that's not what's hard. It's dealing with all of these different people every day. I have no choice but to be me. There's no one to impress, there's no one to embarrass, no one to say "oh, aren't you smart with your big words?" There's no one to let down so I am free to be me. Sure the people in my course might think badly of me but no one that I care about. And, honestly, I don't think anyone does think badly of me. If they do and they are talking about me behind my back, I am absolutely okay with that. Go crazy! Say whatever you want. I have no idea, I am oblivious and I intend to keep it that way. No, my head isn't in the sand, I recognize the obvious signs that people aren't really interested in talking to me. That's okay. No one likes everyone and no everyone likes one. I can not help it if someone is being nice to my face while laughing behind my back or whatever and if they have enough of a problem, I will be able to tell. But if someone is writing shit about me on the blackboard during recess, isn't that more of a reflection on him? Really? That shit does not bother me. (Anymore, okay? I said it doesn't bother me anymore! lol)
It's when four of us go out for a beer. And it's me and Susan and Dave and Russell. And I am so jealous! So jealous! It's not that I want to be like her or look like her. Susan is beautiful and I really like her. Actually, if there was any woman that I would want to put the moves on, it's her. (That's so funny... I kill me, man! Who says shit like that? But it's how I feel.) So, Mom was wrong when she said that I always wanted to be little like my childhood/teenage best friend, Sue. That was her baggage.
What I wanted was for people to look at me and treat me like they did Sue. Like they look at and treat Susan. But, and here's the catch, for people to look and treat me that way, I would have to act that way. I would have to be soft and delicate and needing to be taken care of. I would have to gag and giggle and flip my hair and tell everyone about how my boyfriend fucked around on me. So, no.
Unfortunately, that doesn't help.
I'm just so different. I'm so different. Not like a girl at all. Stacey might have taught me to carry a purse but I'm not like the other girls.
And that does help! I'm not like the other girls and I don't want to be like the other girls. I can't be like the other girls. I am me and I have to be or I will never be happy. Oh, yeah, my days of faking it are over. Long over. And the moody shit is under control, too. All that's left is this spare tire. Seriously. I don't think that people dislike me because I'm fat, I don't think that no man will ever love me because I'm fat. I think - I know - that I will never get the man that I want while I am fat.
So I need to be less fat. (Have I heard this somewhere before??)
But, fat or not fat, I am not going to be jealous of the way men look at Susan. I don't want to act like Susan (sorry, Susan - if you ever read this - I love you like crazy... this is just old shit... it's nice to set it free but I didn't even know it was there!). And because I don't want to act like Susan, men will not look at me like they do Susan. We both have our strengths. Maybe she is a bit jealous of me. Maybe her need to command the room is because that's what I do. (my aren't we full of ourselves, hmmm?) My joking around and smartass remarking is not helping them, not pleasing them. And I say "them" now because I just realized that the smartassing is what I do to Winn (our facilitator) and I take a bit of her wind. It's not that I plan to be anyone that I'm not or that I will pull back and shrink so that I won't take their spotlight. OMG! MAYBE I TOOK MY MOTHER'S WIND! (fuck, it seriously kills me how much I sound like I'm fuckin' full of my self! I'm really not... I don't think!)
I'm not even consciously trying to get attention. I was thinking of that earlier. I am not looking for rewards. I'm not looking for hugs and looks of pity. Not for me. I think I just want to be awesome at everything and in every way. But guess what? No one is awesome in everything and no everything awesome is in one. I kind of hog the spotlight sometimes. And, like my mother said when trying to make me understand why she kinda forgot about me when I was a kid, you don't pay attention to the one who is doing good because you have to put so much effort into the one who is having problems. When it comes to attention, you almost get punished for behaving or doing well and rewarded for getting into trouble. Perhaps my commanding attention comes from my understanding that it's the only way I can get it and be true to myself.
Ya. Stoned.
I hate it when I don't like being me. I like being me. I really like being me. About 95% of the time I like being me... but that fucking other 5% fucks it up for everyone else. God, I have to work on her, don't I? The jealous girl? That part of me that hates every good looking woman on the face of the planet. How odd... I never read it as jealously before but mother fucker, all I wanted to do was leave and cry and go to McDonald's. Oops... let's go back a minute or two.
I love this program that I am doing. I love the people... I have not been in a setting like this in so long. Like, since Newfoundland, almost. Like, high school. All the cool kids go to lunch everyday... but I really make an effort to let everyone know that they're invited. My version of high school = no cliques. This is where I am me at my finest... almost. And every mistake is a step closer to getting it right. I'm struggling, I really am. This is hard. I am already past where I would normally be. Of course, I go every day so its hard to lose the edge. Like swimming lessons. And step class. And dancing lessons. And probably a billion other things that I have started and stopped. School. Guitar.
It's hard. I am learning a lot but that's not what's hard. It's dealing with all of these different people every day. I have no choice but to be me. There's no one to impress, there's no one to embarrass, no one to say "oh, aren't you smart with your big words?" There's no one to let down so I am free to be me. Sure the people in my course might think badly of me but no one that I care about. And, honestly, I don't think anyone does think badly of me. If they do and they are talking about me behind my back, I am absolutely okay with that. Go crazy! Say whatever you want. I have no idea, I am oblivious and I intend to keep it that way. No, my head isn't in the sand, I recognize the obvious signs that people aren't really interested in talking to me. That's okay. No one likes everyone and no everyone likes one. I can not help it if someone is being nice to my face while laughing behind my back or whatever and if they have enough of a problem, I will be able to tell. But if someone is writing shit about me on the blackboard during recess, isn't that more of a reflection on him? Really? That shit does not bother me. (Anymore, okay? I said it doesn't bother me anymore! lol)
It's when four of us go out for a beer. And it's me and Susan and Dave and Russell. And I am so jealous! So jealous! It's not that I want to be like her or look like her. Susan is beautiful and I really like her. Actually, if there was any woman that I would want to put the moves on, it's her. (That's so funny... I kill me, man! Who says shit like that? But it's how I feel.) So, Mom was wrong when she said that I always wanted to be little like my childhood/teenage best friend, Sue. That was her baggage.
What I wanted was for people to look at me and treat me like they did Sue. Like they look at and treat Susan. But, and here's the catch, for people to look and treat me that way, I would have to act that way. I would have to be soft and delicate and needing to be taken care of. I would have to gag and giggle and flip my hair and tell everyone about how my boyfriend fucked around on me. So, no.
Unfortunately, that doesn't help.
I'm just so different. I'm so different. Not like a girl at all. Stacey might have taught me to carry a purse but I'm not like the other girls.
And that does help! I'm not like the other girls and I don't want to be like the other girls. I can't be like the other girls. I am me and I have to be or I will never be happy. Oh, yeah, my days of faking it are over. Long over. And the moody shit is under control, too. All that's left is this spare tire. Seriously. I don't think that people dislike me because I'm fat, I don't think that no man will ever love me because I'm fat. I think - I know - that I will never get the man that I want while I am fat.
So I need to be less fat. (Have I heard this somewhere before??)
But, fat or not fat, I am not going to be jealous of the way men look at Susan. I don't want to act like Susan (sorry, Susan - if you ever read this - I love you like crazy... this is just old shit... it's nice to set it free but I didn't even know it was there!). And because I don't want to act like Susan, men will not look at me like they do Susan. We both have our strengths. Maybe she is a bit jealous of me. Maybe her need to command the room is because that's what I do. (my aren't we full of ourselves, hmmm?) My joking around and smartass remarking is not helping them, not pleasing them. And I say "them" now because I just realized that the smartassing is what I do to Winn (our facilitator) and I take a bit of her wind. It's not that I plan to be anyone that I'm not or that I will pull back and shrink so that I won't take their spotlight. OMG! MAYBE I TOOK MY MOTHER'S WIND! (fuck, it seriously kills me how much I sound like I'm fuckin' full of my self! I'm really not... I don't think!)
I'm not even consciously trying to get attention. I was thinking of that earlier. I am not looking for rewards. I'm not looking for hugs and looks of pity. Not for me. I think I just want to be awesome at everything and in every way. But guess what? No one is awesome in everything and no everything awesome is in one. I kind of hog the spotlight sometimes. And, like my mother said when trying to make me understand why she kinda forgot about me when I was a kid, you don't pay attention to the one who is doing good because you have to put so much effort into the one who is having problems. When it comes to attention, you almost get punished for behaving or doing well and rewarded for getting into trouble. Perhaps my commanding attention comes from my understanding that it's the only way I can get it and be true to myself.
Friday, February 13, 2009
Things To Tell My Brother
I love you. I have felt closer to you over this past couple of years than I have since we were teenagers - although I guess we had our ups and downs back then, too. And I'm risking another huge down by telling you the things that I want to tell you. I'm going to tell you anyway because I think you need to know all the angles before you make a mistake that you will regret for the rest of your life. Or maybe you won't.
How could I possibly know what is happening with you right now? What if even you don't know? It's about perspective, remember? I know you believe that and I think you have never been more right about something. You are very good at seeing both sides of the situation; you seem to be able to read people's reasons for reacting certain ways. The part that I think you might be missing is when you are directly involved in the situation.
I am telling you this only because it is something that I did without having the slightest idea. And I think that it's something that you do, too... because it's something that Mom does, and Dad does, and Cathy does - but Debra doesn't. (Remember my old blood behaviours verses learned behaviours experiment?) And I am hearing both sides of the story and I think you all misunderstand each other so I feel that I really need to jump into the middle - where I am not invited and, quite possibly, where I am not welcome - and try to show the other side.
This might piss you off but I feel that the benefits outweigh the risks. If it does piss you off, I ask you to go ahead and get pissed off but then read it again in a day or so. You need to know this and I need to tell you so you can, at the very least, make an informed decision. I want you to know that I really love you and I am grateful for who you are and that you are my brother; I will always feel this way and I will always support you - even when I don't agree with you. I hope you would do the same for me.
Okay, I think I'm finally ready to make my point...
Do you remember that day that we talked for hours at Samz and out on my deck? I don't think that you recognize the effect that you have on people. I don't think that you understand how important you make people feel. I have seen the effect you have on others for many many years. It is why I love you. It is why I looked up to you when we were younger. It's why girls are attracted to you like magnets. It is why Mom and Dad are feeling especially upset and slighted.
Because they love you. Because after Tom sends a card or spends time with his father in the hospital, they don't stop talking about how wonderful Tom is. The saddest thing that I think Mom and Dad never learned is to tell us how wonderful we are to our faces. You and I tell each other all the time how much we care about each other and how much we bring to each other's lives but Mom and Dad have trouble doing it.
If there is one thing that our parents did well for all of us three original kids, it is to be independent. We can stand up for ourselves. We are strong and we are smart and we are resilient and we don't need anybody else.
If there is one thing that our parents did wrong with all of us three original kids - and this is learned behaviour - it is that they taught us that we don't need anybody else. And, because of that, we all seem to think that nobody needs us. That is wrong. Wrong. Wrong.
They do need you. They love you and they are so proud of you. And they are pushing you away right now because you hurt their feelings. They think that if you don't need them, well they won't need you, either. Because it hurts them that you didn't call Christmas time. And hurts them when you miss a birthday. And they get kind of snippy and snide and they push you away.
And Mom bitches and complains. She gets drunk and she calls to whine about this or get upset about that. It irritates you, it frustrates you. Does that mean that you don't love her and you don't care if she's hurting? Perhaps you do. Perhaps you are at the point that you have no interest in being a part of their lives. That is your choice, and your prerogative and, like I said, I will love you and support you in that. I love you for what you bring to my life and because I need your support.
What I need you to know right now is that they are hurting. Dad has been given two years to live. Two. How fast has time flown since 2007, two years ago? In a heartbeat, right? God - doesn't it feel like you're still 18 sometimes? Two years. And time speeds up. You have a deadline. Right now, you need to decide how you want your relationship with your father and mother to end.
Do you want Dad to die thinking that his only son doesn't love him? That is what he thinks right now. That is the message that he receives every time you don't call. Do you want him not taking your calls when you do bother to work up the energy to not call? Because that is what he is doing right now. He is hurt, they are hurt.
You didn't even call to find out if he is going to die, you didn't call to say Merry Christmas. Those things might not be important to you but they're sure important to them. Because they love you. Because they need you to love them and they don't think you do.
Dad told me once that the only thing he ever did that meant anything was to raise us kids. We are his value; and our love for him is how he is judging his life. He needs to know that his life was worth it, that he has worth. And you're giving him a bad score and he is losing his worth... and he doesn't have enough to lose. Please reach to them, Tom... even if you have to fake it.
How could I possibly know what is happening with you right now? What if even you don't know? It's about perspective, remember? I know you believe that and I think you have never been more right about something. You are very good at seeing both sides of the situation; you seem to be able to read people's reasons for reacting certain ways. The part that I think you might be missing is when you are directly involved in the situation.
I am telling you this only because it is something that I did without having the slightest idea. And I think that it's something that you do, too... because it's something that Mom does, and Dad does, and Cathy does - but Debra doesn't. (Remember my old blood behaviours verses learned behaviours experiment?) And I am hearing both sides of the story and I think you all misunderstand each other so I feel that I really need to jump into the middle - where I am not invited and, quite possibly, where I am not welcome - and try to show the other side.
This might piss you off but I feel that the benefits outweigh the risks. If it does piss you off, I ask you to go ahead and get pissed off but then read it again in a day or so. You need to know this and I need to tell you so you can, at the very least, make an informed decision. I want you to know that I really love you and I am grateful for who you are and that you are my brother; I will always feel this way and I will always support you - even when I don't agree with you. I hope you would do the same for me.
Okay, I think I'm finally ready to make my point...
Do you remember that day that we talked for hours at Samz and out on my deck? I don't think that you recognize the effect that you have on people. I don't think that you understand how important you make people feel. I have seen the effect you have on others for many many years. It is why I love you. It is why I looked up to you when we were younger. It's why girls are attracted to you like magnets. It is why Mom and Dad are feeling especially upset and slighted.
Because they love you. Because after Tom sends a card or spends time with his father in the hospital, they don't stop talking about how wonderful Tom is. The saddest thing that I think Mom and Dad never learned is to tell us how wonderful we are to our faces. You and I tell each other all the time how much we care about each other and how much we bring to each other's lives but Mom and Dad have trouble doing it.
If there is one thing that our parents did well for all of us three original kids, it is to be independent. We can stand up for ourselves. We are strong and we are smart and we are resilient and we don't need anybody else.
If there is one thing that our parents did wrong with all of us three original kids - and this is learned behaviour - it is that they taught us that we don't need anybody else. And, because of that, we all seem to think that nobody needs us. That is wrong. Wrong. Wrong.
They do need you. They love you and they are so proud of you. And they are pushing you away right now because you hurt their feelings. They think that if you don't need them, well they won't need you, either. Because it hurts them that you didn't call Christmas time. And hurts them when you miss a birthday. And they get kind of snippy and snide and they push you away.
And Mom bitches and complains. She gets drunk and she calls to whine about this or get upset about that. It irritates you, it frustrates you. Does that mean that you don't love her and you don't care if she's hurting? Perhaps you do. Perhaps you are at the point that you have no interest in being a part of their lives. That is your choice, and your prerogative and, like I said, I will love you and support you in that. I love you for what you bring to my life and because I need your support.
What I need you to know right now is that they are hurting. Dad has been given two years to live. Two. How fast has time flown since 2007, two years ago? In a heartbeat, right? God - doesn't it feel like you're still 18 sometimes? Two years. And time speeds up. You have a deadline. Right now, you need to decide how you want your relationship with your father and mother to end.
Do you want Dad to die thinking that his only son doesn't love him? That is what he thinks right now. That is the message that he receives every time you don't call. Do you want him not taking your calls when you do bother to work up the energy to not call? Because that is what he is doing right now. He is hurt, they are hurt.
You didn't even call to find out if he is going to die, you didn't call to say Merry Christmas. Those things might not be important to you but they're sure important to them. Because they love you. Because they need you to love them and they don't think you do.
Dad told me once that the only thing he ever did that meant anything was to raise us kids. We are his value; and our love for him is how he is judging his life. He needs to know that his life was worth it, that he has worth. And you're giving him a bad score and he is losing his worth... and he doesn't have enough to lose. Please reach to them, Tom... even if you have to fake it.
Pity Party
So he says, "It's not good news..." and the American Idol episode I saw the other night flashes before my eyes and I realize that I'm waiting for the "It's fantastic news" that they were throwing out a second later. It's all about the build up for effect, right? Nope. "It's not good news. It's what they thought."
He said the exact same words to Debra and both of us were amazed, touched and scared that he was the one to tell us. It's not good news.
So I called Ian for a big fattie and I cried and I fell asleep for a while.
He said the exact same words to Debra and both of us were amazed, touched and scared that he was the one to tell us. It's not good news.
So I called Ian for a big fattie and I cried and I fell asleep for a while.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Fear and common sense
I'm so scared for tomorrow. I haven't talked about this at all yet, I don't think. It's called avoidance. My dad gets his test results and we will know if he has cancer. The jury is still out but they found spots on his lungs, liver, bowel and prostate so, if he has it, he's probably full of it. I don't want to go into it now. I don't want to think about it so I am going to put the tv on and probably eat something - don't worry, it will be (reasonably) healthy. I know it will be better to know than to not know but I only want to know if it's good news.
Friday, February 6, 2009
Change
You cannot possibly understand what it feels like to have changed "different" and "wrong" into "special" and "right". I have ventured out into the world full force for the first time as 'this person' (as I like to call me now) and I am shocked at the response I have received. And inspired. And grateful. And amazed. And relieved.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
see ME
What do you see, nurses, what do you see?
Are you thinking, when you look at me --
A crabby old woman, not very wise,
Uncertain of habit, with far-away eyes,
Who dribbles her food and makes no reply,
When you say in a loud voice -- "I do wish you'd try."
Who seems not to notice the things that you do,
And forever is losing a stocking or shoe,
Who unresisting or not, lets you do as you will,
With bathing and feeding, the long day to fill.
Is that what you're thinking, is that what you see?
Then open your eyes, nurse, you're looking at ME...
I'll tell you who I am, as I sit here so still;
As I rise at your bidding, as I eat at your will.
I'm a small child of ten with a father and mother,
Brothers and sisters, who love one another.
A young girl of sixteen with wings on her feet,
Dreaming that soon now a lover she'll meet.
A bride soon at twenty -- my heart gives a leap,
Remembering the vows that I promised to keep.
At twenty-five now I have young of my own,
Who need me to build a secure, happy home.
A woman of thirty, my young now grow fast,
Bound to each other with ties that should last.
At forty, my young sons have grown and are gone,
But my man's beside me to see I don't mourn.
At fifty once more babies play 'round my knee,
Again we know children, my loved one and me.
Dark days are upon me, my husband is dead,
I look at the future, I shudder with dread.
My young are all rearing young of their own,
And I think of the years and the love that I've known.
I'm an old woman now and nature is cruel,
'Tis her jest to make old age look like a fool.
The body is crumbled, grace and vigor depart,
There is now a stone where once I had a heart.
But inside this old carcass a young girl still dwells,
And now and again my battered heart swells.
I remember the joys, I remember the pain,
And I'm loving and living life over again.
I think of the years, all too few -- gone too fast,
And accept the stark fact that nothing can last.
So I open your eyes, nurses, open and see,
Not a crabby old woman, look closer, nurses see ME!
Are you thinking, when you look at me --
A crabby old woman, not very wise,
Uncertain of habit, with far-away eyes,
Who dribbles her food and makes no reply,
When you say in a loud voice -- "I do wish you'd try."
Who seems not to notice the things that you do,
And forever is losing a stocking or shoe,
Who unresisting or not, lets you do as you will,
With bathing and feeding, the long day to fill.
Is that what you're thinking, is that what you see?
Then open your eyes, nurse, you're looking at ME...
I'll tell you who I am, as I sit here so still;
As I rise at your bidding, as I eat at your will.
I'm a small child of ten with a father and mother,
Brothers and sisters, who love one another.
A young girl of sixteen with wings on her feet,
Dreaming that soon now a lover she'll meet.
A bride soon at twenty -- my heart gives a leap,
Remembering the vows that I promised to keep.
At twenty-five now I have young of my own,
Who need me to build a secure, happy home.
A woman of thirty, my young now grow fast,
Bound to each other with ties that should last.
At forty, my young sons have grown and are gone,
But my man's beside me to see I don't mourn.
At fifty once more babies play 'round my knee,
Again we know children, my loved one and me.
Dark days are upon me, my husband is dead,
I look at the future, I shudder with dread.
My young are all rearing young of their own,
And I think of the years and the love that I've known.
I'm an old woman now and nature is cruel,
'Tis her jest to make old age look like a fool.
The body is crumbled, grace and vigor depart,
There is now a stone where once I had a heart.
But inside this old carcass a young girl still dwells,
And now and again my battered heart swells.
I remember the joys, I remember the pain,
And I'm loving and living life over again.
I think of the years, all too few -- gone too fast,
And accept the stark fact that nothing can last.
So I open your eyes, nurses, open and see,
Not a crabby old woman, look closer, nurses see ME!
Sofa King
I'm sorry... I must complain a little bit... just a bit and then I will move on. I promise.
Dude. I'm sofa king bored. I'm sofa king lonely. I'm sofa king done with this.
Okay, well, the good news is that I am starting a seminar thingy with a consulting agency on Monday. They are supposed to help you find a job and I am really looking for some insight and tips on how I can convince those Amica people to hire me. And it will be a reason to get up in the morning. And there will be other people there. Ya. I'm pretty excited! Going slow but still moving forward...
Dude. I'm sofa king bored. I'm sofa king lonely. I'm sofa king done with this.
Okay, well, the good news is that I am starting a seminar thingy with a consulting agency on Monday. They are supposed to help you find a job and I am really looking for some insight and tips on how I can convince those Amica people to hire me. And it will be a reason to get up in the morning. And there will be other people there. Ya. I'm pretty excited! Going slow but still moving forward...
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Failure & Success
I went to give blood today and I was turned away. My temperature was too high (max: 37.5/me:37.9) and my blood pressure was too high (118/42). The nurse had me sit to the side for 10 minutes because she said my gum chewing probably raised my temperature and I always feel my pulse quicken as soon as they strap that black blood pressure thing around my arm. 10 minutes later - I did even worse.
So, what does that say? Why am I still here? Why did I work for almost three weeks to lose four pounds only to gain two back yesterday because I ate too much. Spite. Fuckin' spite.
The story doesn't change. Change it already! God, I am so fucking sick of this. I need a job. I need to be around people. I need structure. I need a purpose.
And yet...
it's the same story.
Beverly, yesterday's tomorrow is TODAY!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There is something else going on, too, and I have been back and forth about whether or not I want to comment on it. It's totally embarrassing but has been a part of my life forever. My shame. You don't even know me and I still can't say it. Because what if? What if someone that does know me finds this? I suck. Okay. Fuck. Just say it. Christ. I don't know if I...
Okay. I quit sucking my thumb the other day. Can you believe that? A grown woman who sucks her thumb. This is something that I have done for 38 years (and I'm only 37.5!)... since I had a thumb.
I was probably about five when I started hiding it - if not before. I remember thinking that I didn't have to quit until I was seven because that's when Cathy quit. But seven came and went. I tried to stop over the years but it was kind of like food, I guess... it was a crutch. It was a comfort. It was a habit. Eventually I just stopped trying to stop. I hid it, it was a secret (remember I told Stacey that I needed the right bed in Mexico? Because I didn't want her to wake before me and see it... I was turned the other way).
One thing that always made me laugh - but a sarcastic sad laugh instead of a laugh of pleasure - I lived with Karl for 5 YEARS and he didn't know. Fabian stayed over a million times and he didn't know. I lived with Ian for a year and he didn't know. How is that possible? No one knows except Debra and Julie; Mom and Cathy used to know but it hasn't been the subject of much conversation over the past 20 years or so.
Anyway, I stopped because I just felt it was time. And I really don't want to do it anymore - although I wonder if I am still doing it in my sleep. I will test it eventually. But I miss it. It's unbelievable how much. I crave it. I physically feel the loss.
And I'm a big fucking baby who always has an excuse. And nothing ever changes. Except now I'm a big fucking baby who has one less big fucking baby habit.
So, what does that say? Why am I still here? Why did I work for almost three weeks to lose four pounds only to gain two back yesterday because I ate too much. Spite. Fuckin' spite.
The story doesn't change. Change it already! God, I am so fucking sick of this. I need a job. I need to be around people. I need structure. I need a purpose.
And yet...
it's the same story.
Beverly, yesterday's tomorrow is TODAY!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There is something else going on, too, and I have been back and forth about whether or not I want to comment on it. It's totally embarrassing but has been a part of my life forever. My shame. You don't even know me and I still can't say it. Because what if? What if someone that does know me finds this? I suck. Okay. Fuck. Just say it. Christ. I don't know if I...
Okay. I quit sucking my thumb the other day. Can you believe that? A grown woman who sucks her thumb. This is something that I have done for 38 years (and I'm only 37.5!)... since I had a thumb.
I was probably about five when I started hiding it - if not before. I remember thinking that I didn't have to quit until I was seven because that's when Cathy quit. But seven came and went. I tried to stop over the years but it was kind of like food, I guess... it was a crutch. It was a comfort. It was a habit. Eventually I just stopped trying to stop. I hid it, it was a secret (remember I told Stacey that I needed the right bed in Mexico? Because I didn't want her to wake before me and see it... I was turned the other way).
One thing that always made me laugh - but a sarcastic sad laugh instead of a laugh of pleasure - I lived with Karl for 5 YEARS and he didn't know. Fabian stayed over a million times and he didn't know. I lived with Ian for a year and he didn't know. How is that possible? No one knows except Debra and Julie; Mom and Cathy used to know but it hasn't been the subject of much conversation over the past 20 years or so.
Anyway, I stopped because I just felt it was time. And I really don't want to do it anymore - although I wonder if I am still doing it in my sleep. I will test it eventually. But I miss it. It's unbelievable how much. I crave it. I physically feel the loss.
And I'm a big fucking baby who always has an excuse. And nothing ever changes. Except now I'm a big fucking baby who has one less big fucking baby habit.
Monday, January 12, 2009
This just in...
Well, here's an interesting development. Actually, I don't know if I should call it a development - what's the opposite of that? Perhaps, here's an interesting realization. Hmmm, realization doesn't work, either. I know, I know... here's something that I have probably said a million times before. How frustrating.
I am always trying to figure out if I am too hard on myself or not hard enough. That sounds kind of weird but, as someone who has tried so hard to change the things that are wrong in my world, I seem to be missing something. Well, here's the answer: I'm not hard enough. Yes, it may be true that I used to be terribly hard on myself. I was constantly putting myself down and projecting those feelings on to everyone that I know and thinking that they were putting me down, too. I was so constantly kicking and berating and kicking and screaming. But when did I actually follow through with something? When did I really do my best? When did I put in the effort that was required to succeed in my work, in my weight loss attempts, in my relationships? Realistically? When???
Never.
But I finally realized and accepted that it's okay to not put in 100% all the time so I stopped hating myself for not doing so.
************
I stopped writing at that point because I couldn't find a way to get my point across - because I really wasn't sure what I was trying to say. I believe that if you let it go, the answer will usually come to you... just not always the answer that you expect.
Firstly, I have pms so I am crying at the drop of a hat. But good crying, mostly. Not the old depressive episode crying but empathy crying. It's driving me crazy because everything moves me but, realistically, it is a good cry. Also, I want everything right now - I am craving, craving, craving. I want to eat, I want to smoke, I want to get drunk, I want to stop the craving. But, when I look at it logically, it's really just how I am reading the signals that I am getting... which doesn't mean that I am reading them correctly. (Believe it or not, I'm not even stoned right now but I still can't seem to make a point!)
Okay, the point is - tomorrow never comes. The point is - I don't hold myself accountable. The point is - I can always find an excuse.
Am I looking for a job? Seriously? Or am I sitting here waiting for someone to give me one? Yes, I've sent out some resumes. And I really don't think that it was in any a half assed attempt for the ones that I want. I put time into my cover letters. I worked to improve my resume. I made an effort. But did I make enough of an effort? Did I do the things that I meant to do? Did I do the things that I should have done? Did I put in 100%? Did I put in 75%? How about 50%? Tomorrow I will try harder I say. But tomorrow I don't really feel like it so I will wait until tomorrow. But tomorrow I am busy and I will be busy tomorrow, too, so how about the day after tomorrow? Yes, that will work much better. Well, the day after I don't really feel like it again - I've been so busy! - I'll just do it tomorrow.
WHEN IS TOMORROW?
When do I say no fucking way - do it now! When do I say I will do it today?
The putting off theory does work in many situations. Last night it stopped me from having a Big Mac at midnight. I couldn't stop thinking about it, I wanted it. I tried to substitute, I tried to take my mind off it, I tried to talk myself out of it by remembering what I look like, by looking up the nutritional content (1110 calories!!!!!!) but nothing worked until I said, shut up and if you still want it tomorrow then just have one. And the craving went away. That was the magic trick. So tomorrow does work sometimes.
But when am I going to start exercising? Not just a bit here and there, really doing something about how I look. I want it bad enough. I have a healthy vision of who I am now. I have no excuse so I will get to it tomorrow. Oh, that's today? Well, maybe tomorrow then.
There's always a reason, always an excuse. But I don't want to be consumed by it. My all or nothing way of life was what got me here and I know that I can do better. I just don't know when.
I am always trying to figure out if I am too hard on myself or not hard enough. That sounds kind of weird but, as someone who has tried so hard to change the things that are wrong in my world, I seem to be missing something. Well, here's the answer: I'm not hard enough. Yes, it may be true that I used to be terribly hard on myself. I was constantly putting myself down and projecting those feelings on to everyone that I know and thinking that they were putting me down, too. I was so constantly kicking and berating and kicking and screaming. But when did I actually follow through with something? When did I really do my best? When did I put in the effort that was required to succeed in my work, in my weight loss attempts, in my relationships? Realistically? When???
Never.
But I finally realized and accepted that it's okay to not put in 100% all the time so I stopped hating myself for not doing so.
************
I stopped writing at that point because I couldn't find a way to get my point across - because I really wasn't sure what I was trying to say. I believe that if you let it go, the answer will usually come to you... just not always the answer that you expect.
Firstly, I have pms so I am crying at the drop of a hat. But good crying, mostly. Not the old depressive episode crying but empathy crying. It's driving me crazy because everything moves me but, realistically, it is a good cry. Also, I want everything right now - I am craving, craving, craving. I want to eat, I want to smoke, I want to get drunk, I want to stop the craving. But, when I look at it logically, it's really just how I am reading the signals that I am getting... which doesn't mean that I am reading them correctly. (Believe it or not, I'm not even stoned right now but I still can't seem to make a point!)
Okay, the point is - tomorrow never comes. The point is - I don't hold myself accountable. The point is - I can always find an excuse.
Am I looking for a job? Seriously? Or am I sitting here waiting for someone to give me one? Yes, I've sent out some resumes. And I really don't think that it was in any a half assed attempt for the ones that I want. I put time into my cover letters. I worked to improve my resume. I made an effort. But did I make enough of an effort? Did I do the things that I meant to do? Did I do the things that I should have done? Did I put in 100%? Did I put in 75%? How about 50%? Tomorrow I will try harder I say. But tomorrow I don't really feel like it so I will wait until tomorrow. But tomorrow I am busy and I will be busy tomorrow, too, so how about the day after tomorrow? Yes, that will work much better. Well, the day after I don't really feel like it again - I've been so busy! - I'll just do it tomorrow.
WHEN IS TOMORROW?
When do I say no fucking way - do it now! When do I say I will do it today?
The putting off theory does work in many situations. Last night it stopped me from having a Big Mac at midnight. I couldn't stop thinking about it, I wanted it. I tried to substitute, I tried to take my mind off it, I tried to talk myself out of it by remembering what I look like, by looking up the nutritional content (1110 calories!!!!!!) but nothing worked until I said, shut up and if you still want it tomorrow then just have one. And the craving went away. That was the magic trick. So tomorrow does work sometimes.
But when am I going to start exercising? Not just a bit here and there, really doing something about how I look. I want it bad enough. I have a healthy vision of who I am now. I have no excuse so I will get to it tomorrow. Oh, that's today? Well, maybe tomorrow then.
There's always a reason, always an excuse. But I don't want to be consumed by it. My all or nothing way of life was what got me here and I know that I can do better. I just don't know when.
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