A-N-D... I'm back.

Mutherfucker, that was a rough one. It's weird. I'm a mass of waste, there's ups and downs but I feel scatter brained and indecisive and totally blah and then a minute later it's like SNAP. And the world is okay again. I cooked lunch, had a shower, did the dishes, actually smiled into the mirror. I just don't get it.

But it's time to get back on track. I think tomorrow I'll tell Joe the 5am thing isn't working and go back to 7-3 Monday to Friday. And go to the gym before work. Yes, for my sanity so much more than my waist line.

Now comes the part where I have to reply to all the calls that I didn't take, apologize for being me. Used to be that I would feel so guilty about making my friends worry. This time I just figured that's the price they have to pay to have a mentally unstable friend. And I'm sorry but when I go through that, I have to think survival above all else.

And so, it looks like we've come to the monster at the end of this book.

It's me!

Silly, but it's a milestone. I have never completed a journal before. Never ever. I would always start fresh and have a new beginning and think everything will be different this time. But I don't want to start fresh again. I want to continue. Finally I can just continue.

On to bigger and better! Congratulations! Pat pat pat!

I'm going to try to get this out while I'm still going through is. Maybe it will help me understand it better. This time it's almost as bad as before the pills. Which, I think, shows the importance of the addition of exercise. It's also strongly tied to my menstrual cycle now. Was it always? I don't know. But these days I have various degrees of breakdown every fourth Monday, Sunday really. It usually isn't this rough or last this long. I need to find a way to go for a walk today. I can't let this control me again.

It's so debilitating. The tears, the frustration, rage-depending on the circumstances, thoughts of hurting myself, worthlessness, I can't concentrate, have a severe case of the "don't wanna"s. Don't wanna read, don't wanna puzzle, don't wanna watch a movie, nothing on tv, can't work, not going online, can't listen to music, not cooking supper, clothes fall where they fall, showers are an ordeal. Even picking up the phone to call work takes an hour of planning and is a struggle. I avoid all of my friends, turn the ringer off on my phone and the world just has to do without me for a day or two.

I just can't cope with the simplest things. Going to the grocery store last night - I desperately needed cake (they didn't have any). Even this.

That's enough for now.

Maybe I'll try to keep going. I have to make sense of this so I can get it under control again. Although I do feel that diagnosis was the best thing for me, it also made it harder. Before I could blame whatever man that was currently in my life or lack of, work problems, family problems, money problems. Fucked up brain problems is a harder pill to swallow.

And no one understands. Maybe Cathy. Debra to a lesser degree. Mental illness, emotional instability, lovely. Julie and Stacey try to understand but how could they? Stacey will say it was the whole Fabian thing this weekend that caused it but it's actually the opposite. The way I reacted was caused by this, a sure sign but I missed it. And it hasn't been this rough in a long time so I guess it's understandable.

I really fucked up with Julie yesterday. I skipped Jenna's birthday party. I couldn't call. I had to leave work because I couldn't stop crying. She left a message on my voicemail yesterday afternoon and I haven't even listened to it yet. In a while I'll send an "I'm alive but it's rough" email and hopefully she'll forgive me. Again.

The funny, or maybe ironic, thing is that no one really believes me. I don't know if believe is the right word but here's this confident, independent, take control, hardworking, straight forward woman and she's a cowering mass of tears? How's that possible? The life of the party, doesn't she smile 24/7? Someone once said to me "don't you ever not smile?" I almost fell to the floor laughing. If she could see me now.

I'm in hell. Hell. I don't even know if I can manage to get anything else out. How is this still happening after all this time? I'm so fat and ugly. And nothing helps. I want to get drunk and stoned and smoke and eat. But nothing will fix this other than time. And just a little time. A day. But, like every month... if I make it!

Omigod! This is sofa-king frustrating! Is this what life is supposed to be like? Fuck! When does all this crap stop?

I don't even want to write about it. I'm so sick of it. I have no control over what he does and what he feels but don't I have control over what I do and what I feel? I guess I just don't know what to do... there's pros and cons on every side of this. And, yes, if I could figure out what the hell is going on with him it would be easier.

And then the little guy on my shoulder whispered - he told you what's going on. He wants to see other people, he doesn't want a relationship with you. And when his dick gets itchy he figures you for an easy lay. And you always answer his calls, don't you? Up until Friday night you always opened your legs, too. But now he will most likely be gone and never heard from again. Will it do any good to chase him? He knows what he wants and what he doesn't want. And what he doesn't want is you. Yes, he likes you. Yes, he wants to be friends. So what? Does what he wants matter more than what you want? How are you ever possibly going to get over this if you don't cut ties? All ties. Permanently. Just don't answer the fucking phone. Delete the email. He'll get the message. If he ever tries to contact you again.

But you know why I don't cut ties? That fucking hope. Where the hell does that come from? Pessimism might help here. A little blame, for shitsake. Oh, it isn't his fault. Yes, it fucking is. He took advantage of your good nature. He told you himself. He was lonely so he used you. Yeah, but someday he'll come to his senses and fall hopelessly in love with you, right? Fucking chump. You are a fucking chump.

CHRIST - WHY DO I KEEP DOING THIS?

God, I am such a fucking chump! What the hell did he ever do for me? Seriously - what the fuck do I even want him around for?

Who needs him? Who needs any man? They are all idiots! Seriously! Can you think of any redeeming qualities? He makes me laugh - buy a fucking comic book. For sex I have a vibrator. Spring is here so my hay fever will take care of any irritation requirements.

See, the problem is though, that I'm PMSing right now and in a couple of days I'll be all fucking glass is half full fucking door mat again. I need to take control of this right now.

And as I start to write "break ties once and for all" that little fucker on my shoulder says except if he calls or emails today. How do I squash you, you little son of a bitch?
He doesn't want you.
He doesn't want you.
He doesn't want you.
He doesn't want you.
He doesn't want you.
He doesn't what? Yes, want you.

That's it. Let go. Once and for all. Just walk away. And rejoice. And in a few years you will be driving down the road and think "remember that Fabian guy? Wonder what ever happened to him? What an idiot he was!"

Ah freedom, sweet relief.

Omigod. Oops. Mutherfucker. Oops. Vicious circle. De ja vu. Idiot. Sigh.

So, guess who called me yesterday. Come on, I'll give you three guesses. Shit. And he came over. We chatted, me in chair, he on couch. And it was fine. We had supper. Wine. Hours and hours. Then it got dark and I lit some candles and sat on the couch. He rubbed my feet. Fuck. Stupid, stupid. And then he kissed me. Did I want him to? Yes. Did it feel good? Yes. Then I said something like "unless something has changed, this isn't going to happen." And he pulled away. And I started crying. Crying, for fuck's sake! Two goddamned bottles of wine and I'm a blubbering idiot. I told him to leave. When he got home he wrote this:

"I'm an ass. I went over because I was lonely and I thought I could just visit but I was wrong. I almost made it without doing something stupid but I fucked up. I'm glad you laid the law down... at least one of us could. I feel comfortable with you Bev and I sadly took advantage of that. I promise it won't happen again. I'm so sorry."

Oh, I'm not to the good stuff yet. Cuz I emailed him back. Did I ever. Fucking idiot.

"Don't go taking all the blame, pal. I was there last night. I knew what was going on and I pushed it and pushed it and I wanted it. What I really don't want and will never want is to have sex with someone who is having sex with someone else. Bottom line. That is a rule that I have had my whole life and I told you that when we met. When I said "unless something has changed" I meant the fact that you wanted to sleep with other people. And the tears were a product of the wine so don't worry about it.
I really don't get this, Fabian. You feel comfortable with me, you like spending time with me, you obviously are okay having sex with me... so, what's the problem? I never asked you to marry me or move in with me or make a commitment to me or say that you loved me... I just wanted to spend more time with you. That's all. You broke up whatever we were doing back then because you wanted to be able to see other people. Where are they? Are you holding out just in case you find something better?
The most amusing fact of all of this is that we pretty much want the same thing, as far as I can see. I like my life. I like my time alone. I don't want children. I don't want to live with anyone. And I work weird hours so having a social life is virtually impossible. I feel so different from all of my friends that are married and having children. I don't want those things and I really don't know why - I just don't. And I'm mostly okay with being different... but being with you makes me feel less different.
I like spending time with you, Fabe. There's something about you that makes me feel good inside... something clicks into place. I don't understand how that's a bad thing.
I don't know what else to say. But I'm going to lie down now... crap, that wine was vicious!"

And that's that. No reply. I was lying in bed thinking about how I promised myself that I wouldn't chase him anymore. And wondering how he felt when he read my email. Or is he out with someone? Or gone into his cave? And then I laughed a little when I realized that he probably reacted the same way I did to the "we're both horny" email. Probably rolled his eyes and hit delete.

Oh well, whatcha gonna do? Stop checking my email might be a start. A damn good start.

I want to say that, unless he reacts favourably and soon, I'll have to cut off ties with him. But I probably won't. I love the fucker. Fucker.

Why is it that at the end of every movie, when the guy holds the girl and you just know that everything is going to be just fine, why is it that I always cry? I always think: I've never had that. And maybe I'll never have that. I guess I have though, maybe not the way I wanted it, maybe not like in the movies. Will I have it like that? Ever? Someone who will put their arms around me, just because I need it? I hope so. But I honestly fear that I won't.

And I know it isn't everything. I'm not that girl who thought that some man could make everything okay. That girl is gone. It would still be nice to have that, though.

I was just watching this movie and the guy says "do you feel like you chose your life or like your life chose you?" And I chose. I could have stayed in the trailer park in Wabush with Paul. I could have stayed in Mom and Dad's basement in Newfoundland. I could have stayed in my beautiful house with Karl and my beautiful dogs. But something was wrong and I needed to make it right. And I did. I don't think that I ever gave myself enough credit for that. People say how brave to move across the country by yourself. How strong to buy your own home and live alone. How dedicated to work so hard and do so well. And - damnit! - they're right. I keep reminding myself to stop crying for what I don't have, for being different and rejoice who I am. Because this is who I wanted to be. This. Here. Now. This. Me. Stop crying.

What is it that I want to write about?

Him? Haven't the last hundred or so pages been sufficient? When do I get to stop? I'm so done after that last "episode". So done.

Sigh.

It's unfair, you know, how all of those books and movies that I've spent so much time on are misleading. And untrue. And fake. And a sham. Love doesn't happen that way. No one sees you across a crowded room and chases you. No one starts off as an irritant or sparing partner and suddenly becomes the love of your life.

Have I given up? At 34, hanging up my gloves? Oh, I want to. But obviously this pen is making a fool of me. I want it. I want love. I want a relationship. I just doubt that I will find it. I'm different. And it's not because I'm fat and it's not because I've been depressed for so long. I'm just different. Why oh why can I not just go down that same basic path that everyone else seems to be on? Different is lonely. Strength is lonely. Is there anyone out there for me? Anywhere? There must be. How can I find him? Why the fuck do I care, for shit's sake? It's all a joke. Fucking love. My ass. It's heartache and tears and doubt and miscommunication. And faking orgasms and compromise. It's conforming and giving up who you are.

Who needs it? Put in another movie and crack open that tub of ice cream and move on already. Sigh.

Maybe we're just both really horny, he says. Maybe we're just both really horny. I say that I felt bad about the email and there's this deep deep part of me screaming LOVE ME! LOVE ME! Make it all better! And he says maybe we're just both really horny.

And then I whisper thank you and turn off the computer.

Stoopid computer.

Stoopid computer, I said. And it is. Stoopid. The source of our meeting, our first correspondence, the source of tears and nights spent alone. The object of my obsession. And now my friend and confidante. Ha! In a drunken stupor it's more like a sword. In my back. In my heart. Stoopid computer. Please go away. And take him with you.

This is the email that I sent to him on March 19. The subject was "ouch".

"I can't tell you how much you have hurt me. I spent so much time loving you and wanting you. I hope you never get that again. I hope no one ever loves you like I did. I hope I never see you again. Fuck off and be your own warped version of yourself because I really loved you and that's gone now and that's your problem, not mine. I never want to see you again. No matter what I say... I don't want to be your friend. I want nothing from you other than to forget you exist. Goodbye."

Beverly, Beverly, Beverly. One phone call? Almost a week ago? Look at you. Where is the strength? The resolve? You know he's not for you. You know you don't want to be with him. You're happy enough on your own for now. So - what the fuck, girlfriend? Seriously, is there anything he could say that would make you take him back? (yes) Is there anything about him that you actually miss? (yes) WAIT! Let me rephrase that. Is there anything you might miss that's been apparent in the last year or so? (sigh)

It's over. He's gone. He wants to "be friends". He wants to clear his conscience. He wants the girl who giggled at his jokes and moaned at his cock and when he gets his fill he'll be on his way again.

Did he get that assfuck that he was looking for? Is he calling because the three-way is all set up and he needs number 3? And, if not, could you ever trust him now? (yes)

SHUT UP! Repeat after me: Fabe-who? Nope, doesn't ring a bell.

Move on. Don't get sucked in. Things don't change. Things won't change. Let go already.

Because. I. Am. Seriously. Sick. Of. This. Seriously.

And, anyway, why would this even bother me? I know he can't offer what I want and need. I want encouragement and support. I want doors held and toilets fixed. I want comfort and respect and strength. I don't want to wait for someone who can barely spend their time with me. Someone who comes and goes without rhyme or reason or justification. Someone who needs another to complete his sexual needs. Someone who really doesn't want me that much and has told me that they cannot love me.

Who is this naive little girl trying to suppress the fantasies of "what if"? Doesn't she realize yet that "what if" no longer considers him an option, under any circumstance? Silly girl.

Continue your journey, down the path in the opposite direction. There is someone waiting for you. Someone worthy and deserving. Someone who will love you and want you. And only you.

There's nothing left to suck you back in. It's been confronted. And it's gone. And it was never really there to start with. <3

Why did that mutherfucker call me? Doesn't he know how tired I am today? How much I need sleep to be able to face another crazy day? Doesn't he know that I don't want to keep going over and over and over this? Enough. More than enough. Long ago.

As it begins, so does it end. Guilty. Tears sprung to my eyes as I stood for the verdict. She just nodded. I don't feel bad, I don't doubt my decision in the slightest. Maybe it was in compassion for her and all that she will be facing now. Maybe with compassion for all that had happened to her and all that she had done. Because I do not believe in excuses but I do believe in reasons. And she has lead such a horrific life.

During her testimony she said that she was raped for the first time by her friend's father WHEN SHE WAS SEVEN. When I was seven I was chasing around boys and getting in crap for not doing my homework. At eleven, I was still chasing boys (the same boys, oddly enough), she was getting molested by her stepfather and stepbrother. She was living in a car at 13, I was worrying about the prom.

How is it possible that two people could live such extremely different lives?

Tina Marie Mitchell
killed Marjorie Gillan at 5am on September 2, 2004. She drank her booze and did her crack and then she picked up a bat and beat her best friend to death. I hope, I truly hope and maybe need to believe that Marjorie did attack her. I hope that the feared for her life as she struck the first blow. And I hope that she honestly and truly doesn't remember so that she doesn't have to see that scene in her mind, over and over, for the rest of her life. But what she did, and admits to doing, could never be justified. Under any circumstance. And I refuse to believe that I could ever, even in the most extreme circumstance, hurt someone the way she did. I don't think that I will ever forget those pictures. Of the bruises and the bits of brain that you could see through the mass of contusions on her head, of the crack in her skull and the stab wounds on her chest, of the cut across her foot, of the pillow. Oh, that pillow.

It was quite an experience. Seeing how the justice systems works and frustrates. Hearing such intimate details of people that I didn't even know existed. Crying for a woman that had led such a horrifying life that you wonder how she could have survived. And she still fights to survive.

Maybe that was what she needed. I have to believe that from every tragedy, some good must come. Maybe, if this were a movie, she would turn her whole life around. Stay off the drugs, lead a productive life, work to get her son out of foster care and stop the cycle. Stop the cycle.

What could I do, I wonder? Could I help? I really feel that I need to reach out in some way. I have been so blessed. But I've had my share of pain. I am fortunate enough to have friends and family who support me. And a real strength that I always took for granted. The upsetting fact that I am so different from other people is also, in a way, my favourite part of myself. I couldn't have one without the other.

Ah, it really is all about me, isn't it?
All the best, Tina. Godspeed. Godspeed.

The trial started today. My head is swimming with visions and pictures and crushed skulls. And I am so tired, so very tired. Julie and Nicola and I went out on Saturday night. Drunken stupor at Gabby's. Very fun. Julie said something that I keep thinking about. As usual, I was telling her how wonderful she is, how beautiful, how heads turn when she enters a room. And she said something like people don't notice her as much as me, that people crowd around me, life of the party. Feels good that that is what she sees. Any maybe others as well.

I'm awesome! Who knew?
Um... everybody! ;)


Round the table: Bev - Rita - Rich - Carl - Don - Ross - James - Virginia - Carol - Mal - Grant - Kerri

Go to sleep! Sleep! Sleep!

It's been a weird couple of days. He came over last night and we had sex and talked. And ever since I can't stop thinking - who was that person? Who was that? I don't want to be with this guy. And, I guess, just like that I was freed. I know we both changed over the past year or whatever but omigod! That guy is so not the person that I want to be with. I don't even know if I can explain it. Ugh! He's 37 and he sent me an email of his dick? Are you kidding me? I am so not interested. Stunned but so not interested. I'm so not interested that I don't even want to talk about this anymore.

So, still at Karl and Jenny's. I don't mean to be rude but how do people possibly live like this? It's gross here - just gross. At every corner in every room there is something else that I stare at in shock and disbelief! Can you spell gross?

He called today. Called home and then my cell but I was up here babysitting the boys while Karl and Jenny are in Calgary. Anyway, I struggled for a bit with the whatfors and I wonderwhys. Then I said, why not just face it? And I called him back. You know what he said? He was at the Superstore and they had Nintendo games on special and he wondered if I wanted any. He was AT THE SUPERSTORE AND THEY HAD NINTENDO GAMES ON SPECIAL AND HE WONDERED IF I WANTED ANY. WHAT? Shall I say it again?

Well, there you go then. After almost 4 years it is done. Yeah. Again. But this time for real. He doesn't want me. He's been dating other people. I'm glad he told me, though. I know he thinks a lot of me - but as a friend. And I really appreciate that he told me. So, I'll cry for a day or two and move on. Next time it will be different. Next time I won't fall too fast. Next time I'll be chased.

I do need to throw up a little bit, though. Yeah, it's gonna be rough for a bit but much better in the long run, Bevie, much better.

Well, I think I made a big oopsie-poopsie with the Fabe. I sent an email on Sunday morning - rather light hearted in manual form - saying I love you, I would like to see you more, blah, blah, blah. And not a word.

Not that that surprises me but just a little nagging at the base of my skull (or heart?) saying why? Why are you still here? Of course the answer is that I love him. I did a LOT of soul searching last year and the answer was that I want to be with him. That does not, however, make him want to be with me.

And, as my saying goes - whatchagonnado?

I was just watching a movie. And the guy holds her and kisses the top of her head while she sleeps and I think "will anyone ever love me like that?" I've always felt so alone and worthless and I've gone through all of these changes and I'm still alone. Not worthless anymore but not really any less alone, either. Am I kidding myself that this thing with Fabian will ever be any more than it is right now? I'm tired of this, I want more. I don't want to be alone anymore. I want someone's arms around me, I want to feel like someone cares about me, I want to look into someone's eyes and see love there.

I don't understand what is wrong with me? What makes me so different from anyone else? Am I unworthy? Am I not a good person? When does the pain end? When do I get to stop feeling like I'm constantly struggling? I'm tired.

My good god. Do you have any idea how much baggage I have been carrying around for the past 20 years? It just hit me. I mean, I never forgot but it just hit me how much it's stayed with me and how much it influences me. That one little moment changed everything. That sentence. That "I don't want to go out with you anymore". When I was... what? 16? Jesus.

That's why I always hold back for a bit when Fabian comes over. That's why, when he's not with me I think he's with someone else. Because Dave was. And I have never been so humiliated. I never felt so stupid and duped and hurt. And everyone knew. My mother knew. The whole Teen Centre knew. And I was all la-de-da, kiss kiss, tee hee. The one time that I didn't go to the dance.

And I have been trying to avoid feeling like that ever since. And I always thought that it was because she was pretty and she was thin and she was younger. But maybe it was because of how she made him feel. Maybe it was because she made him feel strong and wanted and I was home and didn't show up without even bothering to call.

I still wait that first few minutes to judge his demeaner before I react to him. I've never been able to kiss and love him without some sign that it was okay. It never really occurred to me that he probably wondered why I was always cold at first. It isn't his fault that when I was 16 David Parmiter screwed around on me at a dance with Angela Hardy in front of all of my friends and no one told me and the next day he broke up with me at the Teen Centre in front of all of my friends and I laughed when he said I don't want to go out with you anymore, I laughed and I said yeah, me too. It isn't his fault that somehow in that one moment my heart was broken and while it has been bandaged and healed there is still this little scar that is barely visible. But behind that scar the scar tissue has been building and pushing out the caring feelings that could be there. In that one moment I stopped believing, I stopped trusting. My deepest fears were confirmed - I wasn't good enough. Self-fulfilling prophecy? Maybe. But the fact remains that I never let anyone put me in that position again. And I really don't know if I can start now.

I hate these days. Something just ruptured in my brain this afternoon and made me feel like this murderous rage. Not really. I don't exactly rage. Sometimes I wish I did. Maybe it would be better than sitting alone, crying. Ah, maybe it would be worse. I need something more than work and tv, I know that. Exercise. I'm waiting again. For what? I don't now. Waiting for everything to be perfect so that everything will be perfect. Waiting to not have these days anymore. Stay off the ganga and booze might be a good start. Get some exercise, get off the couch, start some renos or some cleaning or some studying. Something. Something. The problem is, when I feel like this, I don't want to do anything. I can't concentrate on work, I don't feel like reading, tv is boring, exercise is a joke. God. Forever the see-saw. Should I just learn to accept it?

So, things are going good. God, who is this girl? I LOVE HER SO MUCH! I've seen Fabe a couple of times - two actually. Seems like so much more. I love this guy. The doubt is gone, the games are gone, the fear is gone. I'm trying to show him that I've changed and the only way I can do that is to give it time and let him get to know me again. This patience that I have is so funny, so odd, so damn nice. Today I called and asked him over for supper. It was about 4pm. He hadn't shown at 6:45ish so I ate mine. He called a while later and said he was coming over but when he learned that I had eaten he asked if it would be okay that he didn't come over. And it was, it really was. His reaction to my reaction was funny. Lots of 'are you sure it's okay?'s. I kinda wanted to go 'see? see?'.

I'm a little wary of the whole talking thing. It's just not something that I do. How much? And how much is too much? And when? It'll be hard at first but it's the only way that things can be any different long term.

I freakin' wanna marry this guy!

Ohmigod, am I all growed up or what???

I finally started exercising again. I was bored and cranky-ish yesterday afternoon and decided to heed my "what will make me feel better" list and hopped on my stationary bike. Feels good. I've really been struggling with the moods for the past few months. Not really lows - except a bit in Newfoundland - but definite swings. Kind of not wanting to work, sleeping lots, not wanting to eat, having trouble concentrating. Moving should make it a bit better, although my tennis butt is painful at times (need to see hot Doctor Dave!).

My eating is really weird, too. I don't feel like eating. Seriously, I could care less. Just don't want anything. Then I pig out - probably from habit or boredom than from hunger. Like today. I was getting ready for work and did 30 minutes on the bike so I had a banana. Got a bagel at Tims on the way to work because I wasn't hungry but had to have something. Had a powerbar at noon. Found a Nutrigrain bar shortly after that so I ate it. Came home to have lunch and put a Lean Cusine in the microwave, was revolted before even taking a bite so I threw it out and had some chips. Fell asleep on the couch for half an hour. Ordered from Boston Pizza and had 2 sour keys, 5 hot wings and a small pizza. I'm totally stuffed and didn't want to eat to begin with. Now I'm trying to talk myself into a Blizzard. Control, Bevie. I need to start tracking calories again.

Interesting day. I had my settlement negotiation meeting for the lawsuit today. They were quite complimentary of me. They said - both sides - that it was my honesty and personality that doubled the settlement. All three lawyers said together and separately that it was odd to see. So, it turns out, that moral standards do pay. All of those people that said milk it and get all you can were wrong. Not that I needed that validation to live my life as I do but it was nice, I have to say.

So, the settlement came to $31,500. When all is said and done, I will receive about $15,000. With my wage loss and expenses topping $10.000, I am comfortable with that. I don't feel that I have scammed anyone. I would say that it won't keep me up at night but here I am. I am now more financially secure than at any other time in my life. I have a mortgage and my condo is earning equity solidly. All of my credit card debt is paid. I am taking home a comfortable pay that allows me to pay my bills and have just a touch left over at the end of the day. (of course, the outstanding tax debt story will left for another day!) So what the hell am I supposed to do with $15,000? Holy shit! My first instinct is save save save. Then I come home and think a new tv would be nice. Should I get a new computer? Or that area rug at Pier One? New speakers and thingamajigger? Upgrade my car? Is there any left? I don't want it to waste away. I think I'll take $10,000 for savings - mutual funds and GIC, half and half maybe. The rest I'll put in my savings account and spend some to fix up the pad. But I have to control the excess.

Just got off the phone with the Fabe. I'm a little weirded out. This is such a messed up feeling sometimes. It's like I don't know how to react to certain things. And then I don't know if my reactions that I do have are real or habit. Like we were talking about threesomes, which we've discussed a million times, and I really felt jealous when he mentioned that he knew someone that might be interested. And then I started thinking am I really jealous or is it just the way I always used to react? But then I was like - I don't want to play these games now so I don't know if I could do something like that and survive it. But do I tell him that? Because I don't know where he's at with all of this. Is it just sex to him or does he want to consider more? Shit. How do I do this? This is going to be a rough time in some ways, I think. But I know I need to try. For real this time. No games. And let's see.

Seriously, how did I survive before? How did I live for all of those years without this kind of happiness? I know I wasn't down every day but the happy days were usually an obsessive excitement. I don't remember being deep down happy, confident, in love with my life. Consistently. Without that question in the back of my head: what next? When's the next swing?

Well, that was a long, drawn out entry. Let's see if I can expand on it a bit...

Our Fabian came over for dinner the other night. Ohmygad! I thought I would pass out with all of those orgasms. Sweet! He didn't come though. Interesting. The real interesting part is that I don't feel bad about it. Before I would be thinking he didn't like me or didn't enjoy himself. Well, silly girl - he was there so he must like you and he was rock hard and smiling so he must have had an okay time! And now the waiting begins. Waiting to see what is the next step. Initially, I thought under no circumstance would I contact him first. He has to chase me (that's a strong word but I can't think of another) for this to work. Then I was thinking that, after all, I'm the one really trying to make amends here. I am the one trying to regain his trust. I won't become a mad woman or anything but I do feel that I will need to take a few extra steps. And most of all, the answer is time. Time to heal, time to get to know each other again, time to rebuild (or start to build for the first time) trust. I don't know where this will go but I love him. I really do. I need to learn to communicate and consider his perspective but bottom line is I love him. So I'll wait. At the same time, - Oh, I'll get into that another day...

I had sex last night. Yep! You read that right, sister. I'd really rather not disclose who it was with. Shea! Likely!

I wrote this last night before I went to sleep. I thought that I would re-read it today and then email it to him. I went to sleep knowing that I would send it. And he would reply. And we would live happily ever after. And my first thought when I woke up this morning? NO WAY! I'm not sending that! But here it is, for what it's worth.

"Sad, huh? Practically begging for a snippet of attention, believing that you will indeed call when you say you will or help me with my computer or whatever excuse that I come up with to see you. When I ran into you at the theatre the other day, all I could think about was climbing in your window and ripping your clothes off. Apparently, you didn't have a similar reaction.
I know that I am probably a fool for holding on so long, for thinking that we have something special between us. I know that you don't trust in the changes in me and that you have no reason to. But I also know that, as much as a part of me feels that I should move on and leave you alone, a bigger part tells me to stay. I care for you and I want you in my life. I'm not running, I'm not hot and cold, I'm not confused. And, while I realize that I'm probably kidding myself, I'm going to stick it out for a little while longer."

I need a leash. I need to restrained. Tied up And not in a good way! ;) Remember, Beverly.... PMS. Everything is a little exaggerated right now. Every feeling is a little stronger and harder to deal with than usual.

And, anyway - get your head out you ass, already! Don't you remember? If he's not calling - not showing up when he says - avoiding you. It means he's just not that into you. Stop making excuses for him. It's your own fault. He was into you. Circumstances changed. And maybe he never was and never could be into you the way you always wanted him to be. How long will it take to accept that? He doesn't care back. And even if he does in some weird warped way at the base of his small cold heart, he'll never let it out. He'll never trust you again. Could we not let go already? Do you still enjoy this torture just a bit? How very 15 of you. Get a backbone and a new vibrator and move on. Something will happen for you someday when you are ready. For now this yo-yo is not creating any positive vibes for you.

I need this to end! How long is this going to drag out? I thought all of this was over! The giddiness and tears. Let go! Motherfuck!

I feel... distracted, unsettled, bored. It's been all week or so. The other day I made a list in my mind. What will make me feel better/what won't make me feel better. It went something like this:

What WON'T make me feel better
1. food
2. sex
3. cigarettes
4. pot
5. alcohol
6. Fabian
7. shopping

What WILL make me feel better
1. exercise
2. healthy diet
3. schedule

It's pretty simple, it always has been. The actions I took in the past to make me feel right did the exact opposite in the long run. The shitty part is that I feel so shitty that I keep doing the shitty stuff. Get you shitty ass to the gym, woman!

So, funny little story... how sad is it that I get so excited over these little things but this is the fun of life, I suppose. First, the background:

I called Fabe on Monday to let him know that I was back and he could come pick up his chips, left a message. He called Tuesday night. We were on the phone for an hour and a half, shooting the shit. He ended the call saying he would call the next day and come to help with my computer. Believe it or not, shock of all shocks, he didn't call. But I said to myself (and I knew it was me because I recognized my voice), I said self, maybe something came up. Or maybe nothing came up and he just forgot. Or maybe he remembered and wanted to leave me hanging. Or maybe he was just trying to get off the phone and he never intended to come over at all. But, either way, there was absolutely nothing that I could do about it at that moment. So I read my book and had a nice evening.

Anyway, today I played hooky from work and decided to go to the movie. Guess who was sitting in his car in the parking lot? Go ahead - just guess! Nope. It was Fabe himself. Looking mighty fine, might I add. I ran over and said hi but it was raining and my movie was starting so we only spoke for a minute. He said he barely recognized me, most likely because I'm so gosh-darned hot! That is the first time I saw him since June (fuck - just realized that it's almost nine months since I had sex! What a terrible slump!)

Who knows what's going to happen? I believe in fate. I believe that if it's going to be, it will be. I believe that if it isn't going to be, it isn't supposed to be. One way or your mother, there's not much I can do at this point. He has to come to me and I don't know if he will. He has many reasons to stay away and not many to believe in the changes in me. I have trouble believing them myself and I am me!

So, we'll just let it ride. But I'd really just like to ride him! Tee hee!

Holy shit! The year's half over! Any-hoo...

So, here's an interesting development - yes, I am going to talk about Fabian so back off!! :)

Somewhere someday something went click. (I know, stop with all the specific details already!) Seriously, though, I don't remember what was going on only that I was watching TV or something and all of a sudden I thought "why is he so mean to me?" which was shortly followed by "and why do I let him?" And everything inside me just went ahhhhh and relaxed like a breath of fresh air. Here I am , relieved. And the funny part is I'm not pissy, I'm not excited, I'm not frustrated, there are no extreme emotions at all. I still love him, I still want him, I'm just not going to do anything and everything within my power to get him back. Normally, that's exactly what I'd be thinking, which would be followed by severe hurt and anger when I would push all thoughts of him away. Then I would inevitably get an email or call from him and start the cycle again. This time seems different (so far, anyway) and it's really hard to explain why. So, we'll see. When I get home I will call him to let him know that he can pick up his chips and stuff - no delivery or mail options. He can pick it up if he wants for not and we'll go from there. One way or your mother. Click!

Here I am - somewhere over Canada - slightly bored although I have tons that I can do. Sleep would be nice. Mmmm! I got unbelievably, disgustingly drunk Friday night. You may have noticed - if you can decipher my last entry. Apparently 1.5L of wine, then beer, then Screech is not a good idea. Go figure! Mom so pissed me off! I got really mad. Fuck! Pick, pick, pick, pick. Am I 12? If I get foolish and have some fun why does she do those damn looks and tsk, tsk's? Of course, the fact that I let it bother me is part of the problem. What else is new? I really stayed away from her this trip. No late night drunken talks. When she was drinking, I was elsewhere. Where did this woe is me personality come from? "If I don't do the dishes, no one else will." "Notice how I always do the trips to the airport?" God, I would have rathered walk when she starts saying stuff like that. How to reply to that kind of stuff? Yes, you are right. You are amazing, a saint, a martyr. And she does do a lot and she is amazing and I totally believe in tooting your own horn but come one already! Exorcise the Verlie!!!

Anyhoo!

Yeah. Drunk. But fucking pissed. So pissed at Ma. Beyond. Time to go tute suite. Cuz fuck you.

I have become fascinated by this book "How to Win Friends and Influence People". It was written in the 30's and most of the stuff oddly holds true still. I guess human nature hasn't changed fundamentally. Anyway, here are the points the guy makes... I want them here for periodic review!

FUNDAMENTAL TECHINQUES IN HANDLING PEOPLE
1. don't criticize, condemn or complain
2. give honest and sincere appreciation
3. arouse in another and eager want


SIX WAYS TO MAKE PEOPLE LIKE YOU
1. become genuinely interested in other people
2. smile
3. remember that a person's name is, to that person, the sweetest and most important sound in any language
4. be a good listener, encourage people to talk about themselves
5. talk in terms of the other person's interests
6. make others feel important - and do it sincerely

HOW TO WIN PEOPLE TO YOUR WAY OF THINKING
1. the only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it
2. show respect for the other person's opinions, never say "you are wrong"
3. if you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically
4. begin in a friendly way
5. get the other person saying "yes, yes" imediately
6. let the other person do a great deal of the talking
7. let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers
8. try honestly to see things from the other person's point of view

BE A LEADER - HOW TO CHANGE PEOPLE WITHOUT GIVING OFFENSE OR AROUSING RESENTMENT
1. begin with praise and honest appreciation
2. call attention to people's mistakes indirectly
3. talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person
4. ask questions instead of giving direct orders
5. let the other person save face
6. praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement, be "hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise"
7. give the other person a fine reputation to live up to
8. use encouragement, make the fault seem easy to correct
9. make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest

I get frustrated quite often when I want to write in here. Or write in general, I guess. It's sometimes difficult to express what is going on in my brain. It's sometimes random and scattered.

As we all know, I have been quite conscious of my moods over the last few years. I watch for the changes and cycles, I-don't-want-to's and tears. I'm pretty much in control of my brain now but I still have times when I revert. Usually not in a large way or for long but backward movement, nonetheless. I can directly relate it to lack of exercise, rest and healthy eating though, so I guess that's where the feeling of control comes from. The past couple of days I have been suffering from the blahs. Just spending lots of time alone, not quite as quick to laugh and tears come more frequently. I think the booze and weird sleep schedule also has an impact.

My mother seems to be getting somewhat p.o.'ed at me and I am certainly easily irritated by her. Mostly due to the abuse that she takes from that asshole, Calvin. I could punch him in the mouth every time I hear him speak, I swear. And she just takes it. But he kissed her goodbye so that means he can be controlling and obnoxious. Pardon me while I walk away - quickly.

God, I hate these days when I revert and just can't stop crying. I hate the feeling of loneliness that overwhelms me. The desire for someone to come and just put their arms around me, take care of me, love me. And I think a small part of me revels in it - the familiar, the known. I lived this way for much longer than the new girl. But there is no comfort, no hugging. Still and always only this grief that I cannot explain, tears for which there is no reason. And a loneliness that feels as if it will last forever.

At least now I know better than to think it's because I haven't heard from Fabian or because I have lost my mother - maybe a mother that only existed in my fantasies, anyway. Ha! The same could be said about Fabe, too, though. Now I just let it come and swallow me, chew me up and spit me out - then I go about my business. The end is so much easier than the beginning but recognizing it's new swiftness is the easiest of all. Hang on, hang on.