Newfie time.

I'm sitting here on Debra's bed, re-reading this journal as has become somewhat of a New Year's tradition for me. I am awed and amazed at the changes in me during the past two years. Although I was warned, I do regret getting rid of those old journals. Now that would be some entertaining reading. Anyway, I realized that I write here when something emotional is going on with me and I want to work it out. Which is absolutely the reason for this book and this process but I leave out so many details of what happens in my life.

So here is a review of 2005:

Where to start? Maybe January, huh? ;) In January I stopped going to physiotherapy and started chiropractic treatment for my tennis butt. The results have been absolutely amazing. Where the physio guy advised rest and minimal amounts of movement, Dave said move as much as possible. Stretch, bend, run, jump, move. And he worked on the muscle tissue around the joint and said that was why it was popping back out so easily. And now, and I say this after a great deal of pain during the past two weeks of my vacation (strained it while packing), it rarely gives me trouble.

I completed my very first Vancouver Sun Run in April. I placed somewhere in the middle of 50,000 people so I was pretty proud. I have started and stopped training a dozen times since but I'm looking forward to getting home and getting serious about it again.

What other highlights? I saw Duran Duran in concert fulfilling a lifelong dream. It was pretty awesome. I went bungee jumping in July. That was crazy awesome and a real turning point in my life. Getting off that bridge was the most difficult and exciting thing I have ever done and it really gave me a confidence in myself and my capabilities that I never had before. A week later I went wake boarding and a couple of days after that I quit smoking for the very last time.

Another major change was my work. I stopped doing everything except Joe's and finally realized how stressed and pulled in every possible direction I was. And it had turned me into a bitch. Now I can work 40 or 60 hours a week but when I leave work I leave work. No guilt, no hiding, no more being constantly overwhelmed. And I have more money than ever. I cut back on all of my expenses, got a new mortgage with Joe, paid off all of my credit cards, got a will and p.o.a., a safe deposit box, life insurance! My to-do list is finally getting cut down after all of these years.

I stopped being a yes girl with work and life. I now feel more generous and giving than ever before because I give on my terms, not because of guilt or pressure. My relationships have blossomed with Stacey and Sue. I'm working on Cathy but that might be a full entry. I made a difference in Sheena's life and earned the trust and respect of her friends. That has been very rewarding and I feel that I have made a positive impact on her future. I really do need to make more of an effort to spend time with her now that I have changed offices. And I need to make more of a point to see my boys, too, because I really miss them and they are aging and I want them to feel loved and cherished.

There are still ongoing struggles with the men (or lack of!) in my life. That one has been a common theme for most of my 34 years. And will probably continue for a while yet but, as I said before, even if I spent the rest of my life alone, the sacrifice was worth it and I will survive and be happy. I feel whole. I like my brain. I like my heart and I like the reflection in the mirror.

What a year! Now I should go celebrate with my family.

I think I might have hit the nail on the head with that too gushy talk. I think that might be it. I just over did it and kept telling someone how wonderful they are without ever giving them a chance to be wonderful. And the only people that attracted was low self-esteemers like Karl and Fabe. So I'm practising not.

Another thing that clicked with week is I finally thought - what the hell am I waiting for? I have spent most of my life waiting for my life to start. Guess what? Pretty much half over already.

I'm tired and want to write more than I'm capable of. I guess I'll have to get back to ya!

Well, yesterday my attitude was fuck them all, who needs a man? I was going to put away my porn and other sexual devises and wait for the sexual urges to go away and live in peace and happiness.

And today that stupid little optimist inside me said back up. Mom always said that I would cut off my nose to spite my face and I know it's true. And maybe someday, somewhere, somehow someone will love me and it won't be work or painful or frustrating.

But I'm obviously doing something wrong. Boys just don't like me. I know it's not because I'm fat because I get rejected by people who've never even seen me. Over and over, same old song and dance. For a lifetime. I have to be doing something wrong. Do I come on too strong? My version of flirting is super-duper sometimes over the top gushing flattery. Maybe that's where I should start. But how? It's 34 years of being who I am. I'm missing something somewhere but what? And where?