This is the email that I sent last night at 9:30.

"The Fabe: So, I went all boo-hoo on you a couple of weeks ago and spilled all of these words all over you and I bet that you were thinking that nothing was new, nothing had changed, you had been here before and you had no interest in being here again. But, you know, this is just my supposition. I really don't know what you were thinking or feeling because I haven't been in your life for six months. And I would like to point out that the same goes for what you know about me so, please, just lend me your eyes for a little bit and then I will back away and let you take the next step in whatever direction you choose.

Because I love you, Fabian. Whatever you think or feel about me, know that I love you and that has never stopped for a minute. But, obviously, that's not enough. If it was, I wouldn't be here and you wouldn't be there. It's not enough, but it's a start.

I realize that you hold very little respect for my depression problems of days long gone and my subsequent medication. And I'm okay with that because, even if those pills are just coated candy and it's all a total scam, they are working. I am different and I am happy and that's all I need to know. What I need you to know is how they have changed me and how I am dealing with that.

I used to live my life in a series of very high ups and very low downs. You met me during a high, confident in myself and my life. But you also saw the downs because that was when I would cry all of the time and push you away. And I know now that the times that I pushed you away was a reaction to the downs, not to you personally. I pushed everything away during the downs - I changed jobs, provinces, friends, homes - but I still would get down. That was how I finally realized that it wasn't where I worked or lived that was the problem. It was something in me.

But here's the problem. For the better part of 20 years I dealt with things in a certain way, then all of a sudden the downs were gone. What I didn't realize while I was pushing away all of those things is that I didn't develop beyond there. It's like I would be up and go to step one and then step two and then step three and I would be down again. I never learned step four or five. For example, last year I very easily lost 30 pounds. Now, I have lost 30 pounds at least four times in my adult life but then I would hit a down and gain it all back - and then some. So last year I lost 30 pounds and stopped. I didn't gain it back because there was no down but I couldn't figure out how to get to step four, I couldn't easily get beyond where I had been before. But I'm happy to say that I am now on step five or whatever (it's an analogy - back off!! ;-))

And then there is you. I don't know if you realize this but the way that I have dealt with you over the past three years is how I have dealt with every man that I have cared about: the break up and getting back together over and over. But I never got to step four. You wonder how I can be friends with my ex's? It's because I never got in deep enough to get hurt when it ended. I used to wonder how I kept finding these men who kept me at arm's length but I never realized that the mental patient (that's me!) was the one pushing away.

So, enter last April when Debra was visiting. You would call and I was constantly on the go and didn't always call back. And then you stopped calling. I never once even considered the fact that I could just pick up the phone and say "hey, how's it going?" No, I just did what I always did - pretty much nothing - and when you finally called I said let's stop the cycle. But the problem was that I just didn't know step four... I had never gotten beyond where we were.

And I thought my feelings would fade away and I'd just move on like I always did but they haven't. And, here I am, six months later, saying I don't want to go to step one with someone else. Since the day I met you I haven't wanted anyone else, I only wanted you. I need you in my life. I have always been so self involved that I thought I never ever ever would need a man but I thought needing meant to pay the mortgage or fix the toilet. I was wrong (I know - hard to believe yet somehow true!). I need you to love and to lean on, I need you to show me that maybe you don't always have to take the knives from the left (yeah, you didn't know that one I bet!) and to show me that maybe it's okay when plans change and everything doesn't happy the way I expected it to. And your great big dick helps, too!

So, here I am, asking for one last chance. I really have changed, you know... and not only physically but check this out, I'm way cuter now! (insert pics)

Also, I quit smoking in July, I am FINALLY in control of my finances, I work from 5am to 3pm every day (yes, me - 5am!), I'm nice to small animals, I got my shit together! And the biggest change is that, as scary as it might be, right now I am putting everything that I have always clung to on the line, I am putting my heart out there for you to bruise, crush or embrace and I am trusting that whatever choice you make will be the right one.

So, I don't know your situation now: you might be with someone else, you might hate me, you might just simply be sick of me, but I'm asking you for one more chance. I'm not saying it will be all sunshine and roses and I'm not saying jump back into my life full swing. Just get to know me again. I think you might be glad you did."