Sorry, got stoned faster than expected on the pain killers I was on last night. More about that after.
So, anyway, I was being sarcastic last night, obviously. I spent my 32nd birthday alone with Kraft Dinner for supper. Second botched birthday. And again, I had hope. I put last year behind me, thought that this year would be different.
Tuesday, October 28, 2003
Tuesday, October 21, 2003
Well, here I am... sitting here waiting for him again! Just over an hour late for the supper that I made him. Why do I bother? I'm really starting to wonder. I know he just got home from work. Well, he as home at 8 when I was talking to him. Just going to run in and change clothes and I'll be right over, he said. Guess he can't find anything to wear. And I know that he wants to talk to his friends about his day but - he's so inconsiderate! It amazes me! Over and over, it amazes me. By the time he gets here I'm usually so pissed off from waiting so long. Then he saunters in like he owns the place and stays long after I've been wanting to go to bed. I guess I should stop inviting him over during the week. I know I should because this is really getting to me.
It's easy enough to say that I should just let the Fabe thing work itself out. All it's doing is driving me up the wall these days. I even tried saying that I would not look at him as a long term thing, just as a casual boyfriend. Not working. When things are good, I think that I love him a million times a day. When things aren't good, I want to wash my hands of it all. And lately, things aren't good. I want to wash my hands of it all. And lately things aren't good a lot more than they are.
That's something that really bothers me, you know, the fact that when I'm unimpressed with him I want to walk away from the whole deal. When I'm enjoying him, I think that this could be forever and I'll never doubt him again but as soon as something bothers me, I automatically think that I would rather just forget the whole thing. Is that right? Will it always be like that? No matter who I'm with? I know Mom still talks like that sometimes. AFTER 36 YEARS? How is that right? Is that what I have to look forward to? I know that Fabe is just like Dad. So I get to spend 30 years putting up with his shit? Mom says that Dad hardly ever gets like that anymore. Hardly ever? WHAT AM I DOING???????
See what I mean? I was just about to call and tell him not to bother coming over and he called and said that he was on his way. I told him that I was just about to call and tell him not to bother and as soon as he apologized I'm all, well, it's no big deal. At least he was apologetic for a change. I do understand that he was hyper after his first day at work and wanted to talk about it with his friends but he goes overboard. At least I didn't back down. When he asked if he could sleep over. Maybe someday he'll learn to thing of me, too. Maybe someday I'll get used to the fact that he doesn't. But is that what I want? Is that enough? Only time will tell I guess.
It's easy enough to say that I should just let the Fabe thing work itself out. All it's doing is driving me up the wall these days. I even tried saying that I would not look at him as a long term thing, just as a casual boyfriend. Not working. When things are good, I think that I love him a million times a day. When things aren't good, I want to wash my hands of it all. And lately, things aren't good. I want to wash my hands of it all. And lately things aren't good a lot more than they are.
That's something that really bothers me, you know, the fact that when I'm unimpressed with him I want to walk away from the whole deal. When I'm enjoying him, I think that this could be forever and I'll never doubt him again but as soon as something bothers me, I automatically think that I would rather just forget the whole thing. Is that right? Will it always be like that? No matter who I'm with? I know Mom still talks like that sometimes. AFTER 36 YEARS? How is that right? Is that what I have to look forward to? I know that Fabe is just like Dad. So I get to spend 30 years putting up with his shit? Mom says that Dad hardly ever gets like that anymore. Hardly ever? WHAT AM I DOING???????
See what I mean? I was just about to call and tell him not to bother coming over and he called and said that he was on his way. I told him that I was just about to call and tell him not to bother and as soon as he apologized I'm all, well, it's no big deal. At least he was apologetic for a change. I do understand that he was hyper after his first day at work and wanted to talk about it with his friends but he goes overboard. At least I didn't back down. When he asked if he could sleep over. Maybe someday he'll learn to thing of me, too. Maybe someday I'll get used to the fact that he doesn't. But is that what I want? Is that enough? Only time will tell I guess.
Sunday, October 19, 2003
Losing a little momentum I said? Hmmm. Looks like I have done a major back track. It all stopped during this past month - the exercise, the weight loss, the guitar lessons, the good feelings. I just realized this past couple of days that I've let myself get down again. Butting heads with Fabe, wanting to be alone. I'm not down as far as I was in July but I'm no where near as close to 'up' as I have been. I know I can't always be up but I thought that I was in control and I let everything slide. So, it's time to start upward again. Sigh.
I just reread my previous entries in this journal and I want to feel that good again. That good inside my head. I'm having serious doubts about my relationship with Fabe right now. The past while we seem to get on each others never whenever we are together. To be honest, it's more like he's getting on my nerves and the way I'm reacting to that is getting to him. Whatever, we have not been getting on well. Even the sex is kind of so so. I don't know what to do about it. Giving up has entered my mind more than once. What if Dr. Gray is right and just because I love him doesn't mean that he's the right person for me and just because he cares for me doesn't mean that he gives me what I need.
What I need to do is get back to work on the other stuff that was making my head good and let the Fabe thing work itself out. I need to start writing here again regularly, too. I think it will help me see the down coming sooner instead of waiting until I'm ready to jump out the window.
LOVE YOURSELF
I just reread my previous entries in this journal and I want to feel that good again. That good inside my head. I'm having serious doubts about my relationship with Fabe right now. The past while we seem to get on each others never whenever we are together. To be honest, it's more like he's getting on my nerves and the way I'm reacting to that is getting to him. Whatever, we have not been getting on well. Even the sex is kind of so so. I don't know what to do about it. Giving up has entered my mind more than once. What if Dr. Gray is right and just because I love him doesn't mean that he's the right person for me and just because he cares for me doesn't mean that he gives me what I need.
What I need to do is get back to work on the other stuff that was making my head good and let the Fabe thing work itself out. I need to start writing here again regularly, too. I think it will help me see the down coming sooner instead of waiting until I'm ready to jump out the window.
LOVE YOURSELF
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