What I don't have is a lot of patience. I have to give myself credit, though. I've come a long way. I think every now and then I just need to pull up those old jeans, you know? Because in the beginning it happened so fast. It seemed like I was down a size every week or two. But I have to take into account the fact that I hurt my glute again in early December and really eased up on the exercise for a month or more. And then there was Christmas eating. Which wasn't massive binging or anything but I did eat more than usual. Then I was down for a week or two and I did eat a lot of crap that I didn't want or need. (Funny thing is, that only gets me down more!) Then I got the flu a couple of weeks ago and I really was wiped out. So for a couple of weeks I've been back at it full force with the exercise and better with the eating. And I've lost a pound. And a pound a week or so is my goal. So, what the heck. Bevie? What the heck?

I went running outside by myself for the first time yesterday. It was a struggle. I was taken off-guard by all of the emotional turmoil that I went through. Just looks from people and me determining what they are thinking. Fabian thinks I'm being silly and paranoid but I am on my 33rd year as a fat person - I know the looks. But what I realized is, who the hell cares? Do I care if some guy I've never seen before and will never see again smirks as I run by? He's nothing to me so why should I even notice?

And I feel good because I really talked myself down. I didn't talk myself into going home. And I didn't compromise and go to the gym. I kept going and just looked away from people if I felt that vibe. And you know what? I smiled and said hello to people that didn't give me that vibe. And I finished my run. And damn! That felt good!!

I close my eyes and imagine cheek bones and collar bones, hip bones and only one neck, jeans without a pocket of chub sticking out over them, not having to concern myself about sucking in the belly. I see myself crossing the finish line at the Vancouver Sun Run and tears inevitably spring to the surface. I see myself walking into a room and everyone sees me, sees beauty and confidence and charm.

Will I be beautiful? What will I look like? How will I handle it? As impatient as I get when I step on the scale, I know that slow - very slow - is the only way for me to do this. To get used to the bones, the looks, the attention. For my body to get used to the exercise. I want so much from my body right now. I don't know if it will ever catch up.

But, I guess that whole 'instant gratification' business is behind me. The exercise part any way. Now, if I could just avoid that Dairy Queen!

This is rough. This internal struggle. The food yo-yo. I'm fighting but I feel like I'm losing the battle. Got to win the war, though. Jeans are getting tight. I've been talking myself into eating again. Even when I don't want to. And back to the 'just one more' mindset. It doesn't work, Beverly. How about exercise? How about fruit? And steady meals?

Geez - just read the last entry. Bummer, man! I was really down there for a spell. Started feeling better - then got the flu. Oh, well!