Update

Well, I haven't been writing much in here lately. I admit - I have moved on, I am with another. I started a career blog to - hopefully - give people a chance to see a bit of my personality. Trying to get someone to look at my stupid resume. I have barely had a call! But, as is my way, I just try something different with the confidence that I will hit the nail on the head eventually. In the mean time, I'm soaking up all of the information that I can get. I'm in training to find a job.

I have been trying and trying to get a job at one of these seniors places. It sounds like so, so, so, so much what I want to do. And, since I haven't been getting any interest, I bought a book about resumes, totally changed what I had from the reverse chronological format to the functional format. And let me tell you - I put the fun in functional! (Not really, I just thought that would be funny to say!!)

Anyway, fingers crossed and all that. If that doesn't work out, I am going to take some courses and a local business school and get some kind of certificate. Just something to have on paper. I wonder if... I used to think that it was the lack of schooling that has been holding me back but now I wonder if it was my resume. Before, the first thing they would see is that I used to manage a ladder business. Not very similar to working with seniors, huh? [Ha! I guess Tom was WRONG! A shorter resume didn't do the trick. But at least I tried it - I'm a little bitter toward Tom right now, but that's another story.]

With the functional format, I put all of my experience first and my work history after that. I am pretty impressed with how it turned out. I said on my cover letter that I wanted to working in business management, property management, public relations and marketing - "but how do you choose one when you want to do it all?" You don't. You get a job with them because it has aspects of all of those jobs and you get to work with people. Then my experience was divided into each of those jobs/roles and I explained what I had accomplished in each field. Then I put a "Going the Extra Mile" section and put a few things that I had done above and beyond.

I'm really excited about it. There is a wee voice in the back of my head that says they might still not call you but you know what I say to that voice? I say, but they might call. And, if they don't, I will do what I have to do until they call or I will move on to something else. Hmmmm. When was I talking just like this before? I almost do it naturally now. People keep saying how positive I am but I somehow feel that, in the long run, most people get irritated by it a bit. I don't know, it just seems like they get sick of the positive talk quick. But that's okay. These days I seem to pick up on the signal and change the subject. I like new me! I think I'm swell!

I put my condo up for sale today. It's not the best time because the market is tanking but it is the best time for me. I feel good about it; it's the right thing for me to do right now. I can't afford it and, even if I could, I know now that it's silly to shell out this much money every month when I can get by on so much less. I think this has been a good financial lesson for me. Now hopefully I can sell this place or find a job so I can put that good financial lesson to the test.

Omigod! How exciting would it be if I got this job???? I am seriously loving the idea of it. I think I would be good at it. I really do. If I don't get it, I plan to find some job in hotel admin to get some experience and something to do while I am working on my degree. And then I will go back and try again. Or I will move on. I think I already said this but that's okay. Stacey brought over a little treat.

So, summary: want the job, condo up for sale, can't wait to move, excited to get going, leaving for Mexico in a couple of days! Whoot! I'm very excited to be finally taking this trip. It's gonna be wicket! And then I will come back and I will start school or I will find a job and a new home and a new car and then I will start school. Muther father I hope I get a shot at that AGM position!! Just let me get my foot in the door - then I'll rule the place!

Horoscope

Scorpio
October 23 - November 21
Whatever you want, dear Scorpio, you need only ask for it and there is a good chance you will get it. And it's about time, too. It seems you have been working exceptionally hard lately. You are certainly due for a raise, if not a promotion. Gather your thoughts, collect your supporting evidence and ask for what you deserve. If your yen for more public recognition is nagging at you, then take steps today to ensure that you get more time in the spotlight.


*** I'd like a new job, please. ***

I hereby declare today...

THINKING DAY!

Ian & Daisy just left. (pssst... we smoked a dooby! tee hee!) (oh, and, I LOVE THAT DOG!) Debra called while he was here and left a message that she wants to talk about Dad's big trip to Ireland next year. I didn't call her back. I was supposed to call Mom back last night but got so caught up in the cover letter I was writing that it was too late by the time I thought about it. I intended to call her tonight instead but I won't. I have also decided that I won't answer the phone if it rings tonight... I'm going incognito! But it's DEBRA! was my first thought. Good god, have I ever willingly in my whole life not taken a call from Debra? I highly doubt it. And, instead of feeling guilty, I decided that there is nothing wrong with a day off every now and then. It sounds pretty shittin' funny that I want a day off from doing nothing when I have spent so much time bawling my ass off because I was so lonely!! But this is how I feel and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. I know if there was some problem or emergency I would be there for whomever needed me but... I guess I need me tonight. Ian brought the party favours and graciously left two hours later.

Okay, if I'm totally honest, I don't want anyone to know that I smoked pot today. I don't know why - I just don't. For the same reason I never admit to that very last cigarette that I had in October, after I quit smoking in August. August 7th is still my quit date... the fact that I had one months later was not smoking as much as it was the final step in quiting. Perhaps that's what this is. Then again, that 'one last piece of chocolate' and the fact that Mondays apparently have never existed in my world until now tells me to tread cautiously. I'm not playing with this. I don't think it was some big addiction scenario but I promised myself that if something was interfering with my life and the things that I feel I need to be happy, it has to go. End of story. I'm not saying I will never forgive myself for a relapse. Quite the opposite, actually... I will not only forgive a rare relapse, I will accept it for what it is and not let the guilt at letting myself down YET AGAIN!

I make my choices and I live with them. That's the way I need to live. Everyone else has been telling me my whole life that what I do is wrong. I don't care anymore. I have to do what is right for me. Poor Ian. The reason he was here for so long was because he was so devastated when I told him that I am considering selling my condo. It was killing him. He went over it and over it and I could tell that he couldn't let it go but I was patient and I said that I realize it is not what you would do but I have to do what's right for me. This is what I need and it will make me happy. Just like quiting my job. I understand that it was killing people but I will make my decisions and I will make my mistakes and I will learn from them and I will continue on my path because I am happy. I am different now. This is who I always was but I can handle it now. I accept that I am different and, although it sometimes causes me great IMMENSE pain, it is who I am and it is how I need to live my life. And I am proud of it! This is a part of what people like about me... I was just never able to let them see it. I had to have a nervous breakdown before I would allow myself the time that I need to just be. I still need this time... but I also need to let myself need this time. Without guilt, without resentment, without pain. Just be.

The escalation of this is no different than any other time. The gazzillions of times that I have encountered the roller coaster way of life that I have going for me. This way I have of understanding that something just isn't wrong and, perhaps for the very first time, allowing it to happen naturally. I didn't need to eat, I didn't smoke drugs, I didn't get drunk, I didn't have sex with a stranger... I just accepted it and let it happen. Holy shit, dude... holy fucking shit.

I am living this, mutherfucker! Go me! Muthafeking high five bitch! I'm taking the day off of frekin celebrate!

Say it ain't so

Could that horoscope be true? I feel like I'm getting myself all worked up but, in doing so, am I just doing the old self-fulfilling prophecy crap again? Half of me is temped to start up the pot again because at least then I wouldn't be sitting around crying my ass off constantly but that was a convenient excuse, wasn't it? I was stoned so I wasn't doing the things that I should have been doing. But now I'm not stoned and I'm still not doing those things. Even worse, I'm not doing those things and I'm freaking out about it. I know I'm not giving this my all. Especially the eating/exercising lately. I certainly am beating myself up about it, though.

This is so hard. I know I will come out better on the other end. I know that I have to go through the bad stuff to get to the good stuff. I know that if I don't work for it I won't appreciate it as much. I sure could go for some easy right now, though.

And, you know, the hardest part is, again, being alone all the time. That's where I get all worked up, discouraged, down on myself. I know that being around other people will make a big difference. And I have tried, I've been in contact with a lot of people, I've put myself out there time and time again. My confidence is dwindling away these days and, if it's mainly because I am so lonely, what can I do about it? Right now. Today. Tomorrow. Next week.

Right now I can be active. I haven't exercised or really done anything that didn't involve having the couch strapped to my ass since Monday. I can hop on my stationary bike. I can practise playing the piano. I can pull out my DDR and jump up and down. Clean the kitchen. Clean the bathroom. Work on my resume. Apply for more jobs. Kiss ass on the ones that I really want.

Today I can go to that Langley Players audition, as scary as that idea is now that the time is here. I would love to do that again - be in a play like in high school. In high school I felt that I totally crapped out in the end and let my insecurities mess with my performance. Am I going to do that again? What if I go there and audition and they say no. Can I take more fucking rejection right now? But what if they say yes? But what if they say no. Where did that fearless, challenge confronting, confident, happy version of me go? Squashed like a bug. But who did the squashing?

Tomorrow I can get a dog. That's what I've been wanting so badly forever, isn't it? But I look outside at the rain and... fuck. I look outside and inside and I make excuses. Always excuses. It just kills me to make a commitment, doesn't it? I hate the idea of not everything being peachy keen so I don't do it at all and sit here and be miserable. Of course, at this point, I have to say that a dog just isn't a good idea. I don't have any money and I don't know where I am going to find some. There is a distinct possibility that I will be challenged to find a way to feed myself soon... how can I feed a dog, too? Yes, I do have to wait on that. Not because I'm making excuses but because this isn't the right time. I don't know where my life is going. It wouldn't be fair, to me or to the dog. Okay, I am comfortable putting that aside for right now.

So I still need to find a way to get some company. And soon. The play? Oh. Could I really do it? I honestly don't know, right now I honestly don't know.

Horoscope

Scorpio
October 23 - November 21
You may feel a bit of disappointment today, dear Scorpio. You might tend to view whatever snags you've hit on the path to accomplishing your goals as personal failures, and if you let it, this idea could persist with you throughout the day. Try to remain objective, and don't lose sight of the big picture. You haven't even lost a battle - at worst, it's a minor skirmish! Chances are that if you continue working hard you'll still win the war!

Bored and lonely... mainly just lonely

My god, I am so lonely. It doesn't seem to matter what I do... I can't find a way to stop it. I try and I try and I try and I fail and I fail and I fail. I thought I found all the answers. I thought I knew. I thought it was going to be different now. But it's not. It's the same. It's worse. Maybe I should go back on the pot... at least then I didn't care.