Here's what I wrote at work this morning - 6:33am

"Sucks. Ah, this sucks. I woke up this morning from a dream that he emailed me back. Some garbled message about him getting up at 14:14:25 and he would meet me after that. Maybe it was the year and not the time! Anyway, obviously no email back. And who can blame him, quite frankly. He would be out of his mind to come back to me. But I put it out there and that's all I can do. I won't regret it. I won't hate myself for laying it all out there and getting my heart crushed. I'm not going back to the old habits and pining away for him. I have a lot of living to do. I still believe in that old Garth Brooks song about unanswered prayers. It just means that there is something better out there waiting for me. I guess I'm really not ready for it but I will be eventually. It's PMS time, anyway, so I can't think that this bummer mood is an accurate meter for how I feel in a couple of days, weeks, years. I guess this week's lesson is patience... haven't quite mastered that one yet."

Sucks, Part II - 12:18pm

"Here are some of today's realizations! (It's so nice to have this head! I love this head!!) So, I have been a very selfish person. That's funny, I always thought that I was kind and nice and laid back and easy going. Damn, was my head buried in the sand? It's interesting - the view that we have of ourselves. And, bit by bit, you allow it, the truth shows it's ugly head. Let's start with selfish. And I don't mean that in a bad way, it's just that I always thought of myself and of how everything pertained to me. I know everyone does that to a certain extent, and there is a large part of self preservation mixed up in this theory but, for the most part, it was all about me. It does amuse me that this whole life strategy that I have been practising lately is actually how I've always lived. And now, after pondering that strategy, I don't really want to live it anymore. I always thought that I did a lot for other people... you know, like how Mom could get me to do anything when I was growing up by guilting me into it? But I never wanted to. I didn't give because I wanted to give of myself... I gave because 1. I thought that was how you get people to love you and 2. because I didn't know how to say no. That second thing kind of reverts back to the first, though, because I think the reason that I couldn't say no was because I thought that whoever I was saying no to wouldn't like me anymore."

Part 3 - 8:33pm

Okay, then I continued into some interesting comparisons to Cathy which I really would like to revisit but right now there's something else. Men. No shit, huh? No, I was lying in bed wondering about the similarities between my relationship - read : ending of - with Dave and Fabe. And Paul to a certain extent. Not Karl, though. I think because Karl was some weird adventure outside of myself. Wait. Karl, sort of, too, yeah. Okay. So almost every single time, only once with Paul and Karl but over and over with Dave and Fabe, what was the reason? It was because I wanted more. Because I felt something was missing. And I truly loved both Dave and Fabe but kept breaking up with them anyway (even after my mental stability drugs). So, what was missing? When looking for a common thread here, I can only come up with one. Me. Did I have fantasy visions of what love was supposed to be due to my extensive reading of romance novels at a young age? Yes. Did I feel like I was missing something very important and I had to go look for it? Yes. So, what was missing? With Karl it was the affection and physical contact but I had that in abundance with Fabe. You know, when it all comes down to it, I think that the true reason can only be one thing. The piano. Ha! Decipher that one, if you will! Okay, let me break it down for you. It means two things.

First of all, when I took piano lessons in grade 6 or 7 I quit very quickly although I really wanted to learn to play. Why? Because I wanted to KNOW how to play - I didn't want to learn! Yes, I figured it would take some effort but actual work? Count me out! I try to stick with things that come naturally. Or, like exercise, things that cause physical pain if I don't do them! So, in relationships, do I walk away? When the going gets tough, do I get going? Omigod, the answer is yes. Big time! In every way, every relationship to some degree. But I thought that a lot of that was just exacerbated by the depression. I truly believe it was because it was my reaction to the problem. And old habits, right? I know right now my main focus needs to be adjusting old habits.

Okay, and my second point about the piano. And this goes hand in hand with my not so flattering comparisons of me and Cathy. When I asked Cathy why she wanted to leave Gerard, do you know what one of her reasons were? Because he had promised her a piano and she didn't get it. So she left. That's called grasping at straws! But it's also called feeling that something is wrong but making very little if no effort to fix it. Hmmm."