God, this is hard. Why do I get so encouraged at night and feel so shitty in the day? I could just put my head down and be by myself for a month.

I DON'T WANT TO BE THIS PERSON ANYMORE!

I feel like I'm drowning and I can't find my way to the surface. Stop! Stop! Fucking STOP! I had my first suicidal thought in a couple of months yesterday. It really caught me off guard. I made myself go to the gym this morning, even though my 'buttock' has been bothering me. I even tried to make myself smile, enjoy myself. What a joke! Spent the rest of the day pissed off and almost crying in the grocery store, pigging out on chips and dip and chocolate, sleeping. I don't want to be this person - I haven't seen her for so long and I don't like her. I have to get rid of her.

Well, then, in light of the date and impending new year, I decided to write a little bit about how I've been getting off track and what I need to do to get back on. I know that life, especially for me during this extremely life altering year, is made up of a kind of two steps forward, one step back and I'm okay with that. I know that the new habits that I form will take a while to stick and it will take some work. A lot of work. And that's why I'm here.

Okay, let's start with what's wrong because I am getting bothered. I'm showing lots of signs and for each one I'm going "is that my depression" "am I okay?" and the more that I've been asking that lately, the more bothered I'm becoming. Because one or two of those things alone will make me stop and think but all of them together just down right scares me. Like what, you say? Exercising less, eating more, not wanting the nights to end because that means that tomorrow will be here soon, burying my head in the sand, not wanting to face my responsiblilites, not knowing how to spell! (that was a joke so I can't be all that bad!), saying "I don't want to" far too often, being late for work, underachieving, feeling the burden of the world on my shoulders, can I stop now? This is getting depressing!

But this is the part that I wanted to get to. How will I fix it and get back on track? The obvious, eat better and get more exercise? The exercise part is rough because I haven't backed off it willingly. The ole tennis buttock is acting up. But I'm sure I could still manage some stretches and slow walking. I don't have to give in all together just because I can't do as much as I want. The eating is just a matter of getting the bad food out over here and getting more of the good stuff in. I've been slipping back into not wanting salads, cleaning off my plate, late night snacking, etc. And what I have to do is go back into training mode, keep a food journal for a while, have fruit when I want something sweet, leave a bit on my plate always, get used to not eating just because it's there.

Hellew me! Been sitting on the couch all day today. Had fun - Fabe and I have just been hanging out and watching DVEDs but I feel that it's time to get off my ass again.

Doing the whole New Year's thinking again, I guess. My weight loss has been good - about 32 pounds in 8 months but I feel like I'm stuck on a plateau and it's time to shove off.

It goes something like this:

"Fabian,

I have really enjoyed spending time with you over the past couple of months. It feels different this time. I am such a different person emotionally now and I appreciate you giving me the time and space that I needed to adjust.

This is not one of my old break-up letters. I still want to see you and only you but I feel that we are moving toward repeating old mistakes and I don't want to do that. I think that each time we have stopped and started seeing each other we have missed an important step. We have never really dated. We seem to deal in all or nothing, practically living together or not speaking at all. I realize that I am the main reason for that, I placed a lot of demands on you early on, but his is important to me and it would mean a lot.

So, can we move back a step? Can we slow down and just date for a while?

I'm frustrating myself trying to find a way to explain what I mean and I don't want to set up a bunch of rules and guidelines here. Simply put, I want to go out with you sometimes. Nothing fancy... a walk on a sunny afternoon, a meal, a movie, a drive to the mountains, whatever. Even just playing your video games for an hour or two or listening to your radio shows by the fire sometimes. (And, by the way, my biggest unrealized dream is to be given flowers for no reason at all... hint, hint!) I want it to not be assumed that you will come over every day or that you will sleep over every night. I want us both to be able to say "no, not tonight" sometimes and not have it turn into some big deal. I want to have fun with you for a while and not get into all of that emotional stuff that comes with a deeper relationship yet.

I like the way things have been between us this time and I feel silly trying to fix something that really isn't broken. When I emailed you (for sex!) in October, I honestly didn't expect this all to start up again. I'm glad that it has and I like having you in my life but things are moving too fast again. And (roll your eyes if you must) I feel that I need to back up a bit before I go forward."

But this is all probably never going to be said, after all the sniffing and snotting. A little PMS emotion going on here lately. And maybe he didn't call today because he was put out by the whole 'you rejected me so now I'm going to reject you' weirdness last night. Or maybe he just had a rough day. Either way, it's okay. I'll get my feeling across somehow. I don't need to send him a big, long blubbering letter. I need to learn how to talk to him and let my feelings out instead of always, of course you can come over, of course you can stay all night. He's still dealing with the old me in a lot of ways and getting to know the new me will be a process. And maybe it will end and maybe it won't. I'm just not going to worry about that right now. I'm just going to enjoy myself and let the chips fall where they may.

Ow, my hand hurts! Ow, I should be asleep like four fricken hours ago!!

Yep, still here. I just tried the letter. It feels silly asking a man that seems to practically live here sometimes to date me. I guess I can just feel him rolling his eyes or making some snarky mark about women.

And so what, really. We are emotional. We do need definitive moments in our lives. We do need someone to make us feel special. Is that wrong? And right now, at this point when I think of any kind of future with Fabian, into my head pops "But I've never had someone give me flowers. And I want that, I need that. I require that. I won't live my life without that." If he doesn't offer it then I have to get it from somewhere else. Which means not being with Fabian, which means if I want to be with him then I need to get it from him or not at all.

And then the old - so do I want to be with someone that just doesn't get it? Who's going to be so much work? Or is any man going to be any different? Sigh. Being alone is much easier. Maybe I should just go stock up on batteries and call it a day!!

This is so funny... I feel like I'm studying. I read some of the book, put it down, write some notes, review previous parts of the book. Funny - but I'm learning. Maybe eventually I'll pass this course. Just need to keep taking the test.

Okay so maybe I should start dealing with this backing up thing by writing him a letter. Not to give to him but to get my thoughts in order for when I do approach the subject.

I'm so funny now (did I not mention that 1000 times?). He didn't call tonight and that's odd because he's been calling everyday, all day. So, instead of getting into what could be wrong, what did I do wrong, does he want someone else, I should call him to make sure he knows I care, muther fucker what is his problem, muther fucker how dare he, blah, blah, blah, I'm all hmmmm. Okay. That's all - no freak out! I'm normal! I'm mentally stable! I love me!!

Well then! It's been over a month since I wrote in here. Still seeing Fabe. Still going well, too, for the most part. Still reading these self help books that would drive him crazy but they are making a huge difference.

I read "He's Just Not That into You" or something along those lines. It was really interesting because it was written by a man. And the main lesson is if he's into you, nothing will stop him from being with you. Not past relationships, not crappy childhoods, not issues with mother. And I guess what it made me realize is that I was spending all of my time making excuses for Fabe's behavior instead of realizing that I (we) were just moving too fast in the beginning and it was causing us to hit a wall and come to a dead stop.

So now I'm reading another "Mars & Venus" book called "Mars & Venus On a Date". I found the first to be really helpful in understanding the male/female psyche but it wasn't telling me what I needed to know for the start of a relationship. This one really has. For one thing, I give way too much away too soon. I never let Fabian (or anyone else) chase me. I jumped right in to trying to be everything for them right away. I remember one point when I was really pissed off about having to not show my true self. I said I would do the same thing for any guest, make sure they had a toothbrush, cook meals, etc so why the hell do I have to pretend to be something I'm not because men took it the wrong way? Well, our Dr. Gray simply says - yes. You have to not put it all out there right away. That's it, too bad. What I didn't consider, I guess, was that my intentions didn't necessarily come through as I meant them. I have to consider less of what I mean and more of what they see.

He also talks about the five stages of dating... let's see if I can remember them: 1. attraction, 2. uncertainty, 3. exclusivity, 4. intimacy and 5. engagement. So, Fabe and I go from attraction to intimacy, I then assume exclusivity, then uncertainty then break up, go back to intimacy and start the cycle again. We've never really dated. We didn't go through the point where he is supposed to pursue me. And I guess I've always had a bit of a problem with that. I guess I've always had this thing where I don't need a man. I can take care of myself so I never let him pay for our dates and hold open the door for me, blah, blah. Apparently that's an important step fro a man. Who knew?

Things have been going really well and he's really making more of an effort now that I am not making myself so available but I still feel that we've skipped something. And obviously it's something that I really feel that I need because it's always a big part of why I break up with him. And maybe to avoid the old process again we should go back a bit. It's the courting part. The dating. We always skip that. I know he'll think I'm silly and I know that it will be hard but I'm already feeling the pressure of him being here too much and taking too much liberty with my home and my things.

The other day he was here when I wasn't. For a while. And, honestly, it bothered me because this is my space. Then I started thinking that, well, I gave him the key and it's not really right to put restrictions on that but is that how I really feel or is it easier to suppress my feelings than confront the issue? And there was a week or so that he was here constantly and it was really getting to be a bit much (so, you see? sometimes he does move faster than me!) He has backed off of that, though. I really should talk to him about the dating thing, though. How the hell am I supposed to do that??

Weight 194 (total lost 31 lbs)

I've been reading the Mars/Venus book again and I think I should be taking notes to remind myself of his good advice and insight for the times that I actually need it. Not only for Fabian but for men in general. (Mm hmmm!)

Anyway, this book is totally written about Fabe. Instead of saying 'men' are this way, it should be 'Fabe' is this way. One thing that really stands out is the cave and his penchant for Fabe time. How he pulls away when I am getting close. I do punish him for that. I take it personally and I promise myself that I'm not going to put myself out there again. But Dr. Gray says that when men come back from the cave they need to be shown that it was okay to go and also that is the best time for the emotional stuff. That's so true. That's the time when we have more romantic sex, when we touch more and when he tells me that he cares for me. Unfortunately, it's when we get back together from a breakup because I react the exact opposite of what he needs.

I hate it when he pulls away and I always take it personally. Sometimes I follow him, usually I stay away and go into my little girl cave (a pink cave... with frills!) and just hate him for hurting me.

But I've always said that the point I think that our relationship, or his trust in me (to be more to the point) was damaged during that first breakup. And, when you consider his past, it's no surprise. I don't really remember the time line but I do remember that for my birthday that year he took me out to supper. That seemed like such a small obvious thing to me that I didn't realize that it was a hard thing for him. It was him being exposed by giving. And I spent the night crying because I didn't have a cake. So he left. He went into his cave and I cahsed him so he stayed even longer and then I broke it off. But, according to Dr. Gray "a man's deepest fear is that he's not good enough or that he is incompetent... To extend himself in giving to others means to risk failure, correction or disapproval. These consequences are most painful because deep inside his unconscious he holds an incorrect belief that he is not good enough (thank you Fabe's mother)... He wants to give but is afraid of failing, so he doesn't try."

He also goes on to say that if the man cares a lot, the fear of failure increases and he'll be even less apt to take the risk. His defense is 'I don't care' and his insecurity will not let him feel. He needs to learn how to give more by realizing that it's okay to make mistakes. And apparently crying and telling him he didn't do good enough didn't help him to realize that! And it sure as hell didn't make him want to try again. Therefore, for every occasion, he is non-existent. But how do I go back or how do I start now to let him realize that it's okay to make mistakes? I've always had so much trouble with talking. I'm more apt to let it build and build and then blow up (thank you, Mom). I am getting better though but I really am afraid to offending or hurting him. And Dr. Gray says that the times I did try to bolster him up when he did something, I totally over did it, which is just as bad. Crap, this is rough stuff!

But, here's what I say right now. I'm in a totally different place. When I walked way last time it was a decision that I thought was permanent and so I worked on building my life into what I wanted it to be. And I love my life right now. And I don't need a man. And I don't want a relationship right now. I've got too much going on. So maybe now is the right time to figure this out, once and for all.

I really like Dr. Gray's rubber band analogy. He says that a man's intimacy cycle is like a rubber band. At some point he feels a need to pull away, to rediscover his self, and when he is able to pull away without guilt or bad feelings he will be able to snap back and the relationship will grow even stronger.

I've never let anyone pull away from my. He got mad at me one night and wanted to leave in the middle of the night. I should have let him go without getting in my car and following, without getting so upset. But I think when he pulls away because of feeling inadequate he has trouble coming back. But, still, that's his choice.

Fabe is very big on his alone time and I totally understand it to a point. But I also see the pressure that I caused. Like when he would say he'd be over after work - I would figure out what time he should be home and, therefore, what time he should be here. And, when he was late, as he invariably was, I would get mad because he was being inconsiderate by making me wait. But I should have gone about my own thing and had supper or done whatever. And, instead of calling and telling him off or being pissy when he finally got here, I could have just said 'hey, I'd appreciate a call'. Not go into the whys and hows and what-fors. Just say what I need to say and move on. Why have I always been so big on punishment? I guess it's my whole 'I'll hurt you first' attitude. Insecurity, negative levels of self esteem.

I learned a lot about my own cycle of dealing with things with Tom last week. I guess because it happened faster and on a different scale than with Fabe, or boys in general. First is upset, then anger. The 'who do you think you are and why should I give you what you want' mode. Then I get it out, talk about it, mull it over a bit, then I get over it. Instead of 'why the hell do I have to kiss his ass' I realized that by kissing his ass I get what I want. So it makes him feel good, too - bonus - but mainly I get what I want! I need to learn to play it up more. =) Damn, this whole self-confidence thing is just neat!!

One thing that I do have to remember about Fabe is that he does care about me. Even when he goes away for a while. Even when he gets hurt and rejected so easily. Even though he often has trouble saying it, he does care about me. Right now I'm just not sure if that's enough in the long term. So I'm not thinking long term. It's right here and right now and let's see. He may never be able to offer me what I need and I think that me realizing that will help. Not by me pulling away emotionally as I have always done but by feeling less pressure - both of us.

You know what's funny? And not 'a horse walks into a bar' funny. And not 'look at that chick's hair' funny. But, like, hmmmm funny. Yeah. ANYWAY! When I look in the mirror and say god you're cute and damn I'm gonna be gorgeous, isn't that the same reflection that I turned away from for the past 20ish years? That's funny. Damn, I'm sexy!

Just got home from Les Miserables. It was just amazing. Man, to be able to sing like that! The music just fills me up.

Anyway, back to me! I'm so different. My head is such a different place to be. The confidence. The self respect. I ROCK!

But I'm tired and must to snack and HIT HAY!

I wrote this today in an email to Julie - that I didn't send...

'Men suck! Yep, all of 'em... lovers, coworkers, even brothers! I am so hopping mad at my brother right now and I have no where to vent it! I could beet him to a pulp if he were here. Not really because he's much stronger than I am and he fights dirty but you know what I mean! Anyway, he's such a big baby! I was talking to Mom the other day and she said that she is coming on the 17th now instead of the 18th. Well, I had already promised Sheena and two of her friends that I would take them out to supper and then to the Greenday concert that night. So I said Tom could probably pick her up, not to worry. After I got off the phone, I called Stacey about something else and, in passing, as we were hanging up because she was in a rush to bring Tom to the airport, I asked if Tom was working on the 17th and maybe he could pick Mom up. And then I said to tell Tom congratulations on his promotion (which Mom told me about... I even said to Mom isn't it funny that I have to hear about his promotion through her when he and I live 20 minutes apart). Well, when Stacey relayed those two things he got all pissy and actually started a fight with her because I should have called him and told him congratulations myself and not to tell him what to do because he had plans on the 17th, too and who the hell do I think I am? What a scum bag! Now Stacey is all upset about having a fight with him and being caught in the middle. I can't rag him out because then he'll know that Stacey told me, I can't tell Mom because she'll get into her 'pack your bags, you're going on a guilt trip' mode and say 'well, I just won't come then'. And, to top it all off, I can't go to a concert that I was really looking forward to and now Stacey and I aren't going to the Trews concert tonight that I was really looking forward to because Tom gets back from his trip tonight and she needs to kiss his ass for a while so he won't be mad at her anymore. I can't stand that asshole! Like grow the hell up, you big baby! (and you know that I'm controlling my swearing because you're at work!) The thing he apparently doesn't get is that, if I weren't friends with Stacey, I probably would have no contact with him at all. Is he jealous because I like her better? Well, I do but it's his fault. When he had that big flip out at me last year, all of my unnecessary dealings with him ended. The only reason that I backed down and decided to be civil with him is because of Stacey. I don't need someone in my life that speaks to me like I am a piece of garbage... I don't care who he is. You know, just a couple of days ago I was thinking that it was too bad our relationship had gotten where it had because I kind of miss talking to him and getting his advice and encouragement but thank you for reminding me what a jerk you really are because I'm over those feelings now. Why should he get to be a big goddamn baby and everyone else has to suffer? Like I was telling him 'what to do'... I guess that's the same as asking him for a favor and it's my mistake to think that any man would do something for me out of the kindness of his heart or something. I repeat: MEN SUCK! Is there one on the planet that doesn't?'

Crap, my hand is tired now. But, seriously! My vent helped, though. It was weighing heavily earlier but I had a bit of a cry while I wrote that and it helped. I need to stop writing and go to bed!

Omigod! I love my new head! Have I mentioned this before? The clarity of my mind? The control over my thoughts? The ability to rationalize and not obsess? Omigod! What fun, what fun! I love me!! =)

Fabe just left. I was torturing myself before he got here, wondering if he would want to stay over, wondering how I could say no. This little itty bitty part of me wanted him to, for cuddling, but I didn't want the whole next morning stuff. Me waiting on him, him changing the channels on my tv, me waiting for him to leave. I'm liking this little thing we have going for the most part. I find myself verring down old avenues periodically but eventually I get back on course. No, not eventually, rather quickly. I keep fighting any notion of any kind of future between us. The sex is great but the things that I don't like I really have no intention of putting up with in any long term manner again. I'll just enjoy this nice casual thing we have going for now. God, he does turn me on, though... mmmmmm!

Hmmmm. Kind of a quiet lonely day so far. Haven't spoken to another human being since yesterday afternoon. Which wasn't that bad seeing I was in bed asleep before 9pm. God, no wonder I used to go out of my mind before I had chemical assistance! This sucks enough on a good day!

It's raining out. Dreary. A constant reminder that I still haven't had the damn gutters cleaned. You know what I should be doing is working on my finances so I can get a damned mortgage. And working on Karl's stuff so I can get out of all that crap. Why am I sitting here? Crap.

You know what I absolutely hate about all of this? Of course you do! I complain about it all the time. Actually, I think I even whine and complain about being too horny when I am seeing someone and getting it all the time at this point of the month. I know Fabe would say "why didn't you just call me?" but I'm not going to sit here horny all night until he gets around to coming over. And I'm a little more bothered about him not wishing me a happy birthday than I want to be. My clit is throbbing!

So, he thought the email was really funny. And then he came over and fucked me. And how do I feel about that? Sunday - great. Monday - pretty good. Tuesday? Yeah, I'm okay. you know, on the positive side, this is really good because now I don't have to fight ever sexual urge that I get. And this way I get to have the best of both worlds. I get to live my life as I have been, busy, busy, going out with friends, working, working out and I get to have sex periodically. On the negative side, well, I'm not exactly sitting by the phone but I have a fear that I will. I guess I'm just afraid of old habits and old feelings coming back to bite me in the ass. But maybe the worst old habit is actually worrying about it. I need to let things happen and not analyze everything to death. Um, what else is new?

But I don't want to get back with him in that old rut that we were always in. I don't want a future with him. I don't want to love him. So, maybe I won't. I need to keep my boundaries and not slip into the sleepover, meals, relationship thing. He has a way of invading my life and I just need to not let that happen.

Anyway! You should see how FUCKING SEXY I am! 198.5 on the scale today. I could scream. When I catch a glimpse in the mirror, now I stop and go 'oh, yeah' instead of 'oh, no!' And this is so much better! I'm loving the gym. I have energy times ten! (Most of the time!!) And I am just LOVING ME!

So, I'll continue to hate men for a while... it looks good on me!

Yeah, I must be out of my mind. Fuck! Am I going to start this again? This is what I wrote to him:

Hi, yeah, me, the freak, the weird woman who can't seem to leave you alone. So, I've been thinking. Actually, it's all your fault because of those emails a couple of weeks ago. Would you have sex with me? (damn, she's blunt!) Yeah, because we really aren't friends anyway so that whole not having sex with my friends theory is out the window. And I'm not talking dating and I'm not talking meals or movies or sleepovers. I'm talking sex. Sometimes. When the need arises. For either of us. Because, quite frankly, I'm going out of my mind. And I kind of exaggerated about the plastic because that's just a tease more than anything at this point. I used to be satisfied with my right hand and you ruined that... so this is, like, your duty. And I don't want to date anyone right now but I want sex. A lot. I mean, I guess I could live without it... it's not water... but it's close. And why not, right? We're two consenting adults. And we might have not been able to do the other stuff right but this... this we had down to a science. And every time I think of you in my mouth I get this weird ache and start to drool. Damn you and your big dick! Best regards, the horny slut."

I KNEW I was going to crack. I KNEW IT. Well, maybe he'll just say no and I won't have to think about this. Yeah, that would be okay. I must review the list AGAIN! Crap.

Okay, so does this ever stop OR WHAT? Seriously, I'm having my doubts. I'm so sick of making this decision over and over. I don't want to be with him. I don't! Logically, I don't. Emotionally, I need to not be with him. So where does this come from? Is it just the natural instinct to want someone in my life? I think I need to go to bed... alone!!!

Crap! Been talking too much about Fabian tonight. Kinda makes me miss him a little git. Damn, I can't wait until five years from now when I can say "Oh, yeah! Remember that Fabian guy? Geez, I haven't thought of him in FOREVER!" Please, that day, please come soon.

Anyway! Had a real fun night. We went to Rebecca's friends for karaoke! I ROCK! It was so fun.

I love hating boys right now! It so takes the pressure off. It changes everything. Everyday, every minute. I just don't care so much. What a fabulous idea! Why didn't I think of this sooner? I guess I just never reached this level of disillusionment. It's a good place for me, I think.

Anyway - go to bed, drunk gurl... how can't rite wery vell!!

And remember, although this is the unfortunate part:
When you give up the bad things
You have to give up the good parts as well.

Yeah, so I spent 2 hours in the emergency room after the last entry. Damn, that was scary. My tongue went fat and numb and I was tripping over my speech. I called Gayleen and Chris to come get me. After we got to the hospital, the allergy medication started to kick in and the swelling went down a bit. They gave me some antihistamine so it wouldn't come back. My eyes are still swollen. I have no idea what is causing this. An allergy to something, but what?

Anyway, I kind of feel like my old self right now. My old self as in pre-chemical enhancement. Not in a big crazy depression but down somehow. Just blah. I don't like it. I just got down with my bad old self in the bedroom and cried afterward. I hate that. It better not start again. Well, back to work and back on a schedule so maybe that will get me in line again.

That episode with Fabian the other night oddly seemed to put me at ease about the whole thing anyway. I guess I was reminded of his lack of caring and je ne sais pas. Asking if I'm horny instead of asking if I'm well or happy or sad. That's how little he thinks of me? Well, I don't really think that. It's more like that's who he is and that's who I don't want to be with anymore.

I need sleep! Puff head!!

{shaky writing} Okay, I need to document this because it's kind of TOTALLY FREAKING ME OUT. I got out of the shower this afternoon and noticed a little bump on the bottom of my right eye. Almost like a blister-type thing - that was at noon. It got a bit bigger when Stacey and I went out shopping. When I was home at about 5pm it seemed to be the same or smaller. I got ready and went to Gayleen and Chris' for supper. While it was there it steadily got worse and my right eye lid started to swell, too. Now I'm home and my eye is HUGE. I can feel the numbness in my cheek and maybe into my arm a bit (not sure if that's my imagination or not). Now my left eye is also starting to swell and I am losing it! Breathing is wheezy but is that because I had a smoke? I have been feeling dizzy on and off since Wednesday. Then it was more vertigo w/ movement. Now it's more light headed. And I don't know if it's because I am sitting here concentrating on it but I'm afraid to ignore it because what if something happens and I'm all alone? Oh, I just took a Sinutab Sinus & Allergy to see if it helps.

Got my hair done today - 3 inches off and dark. Very cute! I like it. Had kind of a fat day today. Maybe that burger didn't help. You know it might have just been my body rejecting crap. I've been treating it okay lately food wise. Better, anyway! I've been waiting for a crash all week. When does this paranoia stop? Probably never. But maybe it's a good thing. I need to be aware because when I start slipping, I try to figure out why and fix it. Not enough exercise, junk food, no sleep.

Another thing that struck me as odd this week is my 'self talk'. I guess that's partly why I thought I was heading for a crash. I was at the gym and I pay no attention to boys anymore. People in general but not boys. Anyway, I was at the gym and this guy walked into my line of vision and I smiled. And then I thought why would he want the fat girl to smile at him. Where the hell did that come from? I guess it's still in there to a certain extent. And I was at the grocery store and this cute guy smiled at me and I stopped and wondered why. Why? Why the hell not? It wasn't a marriage proposal. It wasn't even boy-girl most likely. He just smiled. If he was a woman or an elderly man I wouldn't think twice about it. Of course, then maybe I thought he thinks I'm cute - which I am! And then I thought that's something that I will have to get used to as I lose weight. Automatically that will happen more. I've always had trouble with that and that is such a self-esteem issue. And, Bev, not every guy that smiles at you needs to be an imagined relationship if he's cute - nor a rapist if he's weird. Just smile back and move on. It will definitely take some retraining.

Brian of Canada Post fame was hitting on me today. I know he likes me but no. That's something else. How do you deal with that other than running? And, also, I thought he's a 4 so that means that he thinks I'm a 4 or 5 at most. But I want to be an 8. And I want an 8 or a 9.

But whatever. That's not even close to being on the horizon yet. I'm enjoying me and I'm making some serious headway on getting to be the me that I want to be so I'm gonna stay on this road for a while longer.

(And, Beverly, Fabian is not going to email you so, please, just let it go already!!)



Um, yeah, guess who the email was from? Mutherfuker! Never fails, never fails. So, okay, Bev, it's okay to be friends. Just friends. No crush. No fuck buddy. Good to know that you are alive and doing well kinda friends, right?

But why can't I give up and go to bed?

I know I don't want to start this up again. Nothing will be different. Don't think about the sex in the good ole days. Think about the baggage, the emotional... emotional what? Non-existence! He's just horny and probably lonely but that's his doing, not mine.

Yep, he just asked if I'm horny. Well, hell yes but he doesn't need to know that! Sonofabitch! I AM NOT A HOLE! Review the list NOW!

Yeah, I raised my standards. I am worthy. I am beautiful and gosh darn it, people like me! Thank you Guy Smiley!! I feel a little better now. I can be strong. I don't want him that way anymore. Now, repeat... 10 thousand times!!

Okay, I think I'm out of the danger zone. I think I rather pissed him off but I'm just going to have to live with that. I am not a hole and I never will be one again!!!!

Now I just have to live with it.

I broke up with Fabian again today. It feels like I broke up with him every day this week. Like everyday I have to go through the whole process again. The whys and the your better offs. And I know I'm better off. Without a doubt. So why the hell does his name still run through my mind every time I check my email or my caller id? How does it stop - when does it stop?? Muther fucker! Guess I'll stop and read my pros and cons that I wrote a few weeks ago again. Hang on!

That's a little better. What the hell did I see in that guy, anyway? Sex. Yep. I'm a slut. It wasn't until that went away that I could let go.

God, I am so anti-man these days. I feel myself slipping into depression here and there. I'm fighting it. With everything I have, I'm fighting. But a couple of times today I just wanted to burst out crying. But shut the fuck up and let it go works somewhat these days. Have I already written all of this? I'm deja vu-ing!

So, I can't sleep. I'm so tired. Maybe I took my pill too late. It was 6:30pm but I'm so on the edge that I was afraid to skip it. I'll take a sleepless night if it means avoiding a day or two in my own personal hell. No problem.

I noticed that on September 9 I was 207 pounds. Here is October 5 and I'm 203. What the heck? I'm still ahead of schedule in the long run. August and September are done and that should be 16 pounds (2 per week) and I'm down 17. Shouldn't complain then, hey? I really slowed down when I started back at the gym. It was about 3 weeks before I lost a pound. Building muscle, I guess. Of course, I had really stopped eating there for a while. As soon as I started - and felt so guilty for eating crap - I started losing weight again. Which is proof that you have to eat to lose weight. Look how much I ate on Jenny Craig. But who has time, man? The shopping, the preparing. I'm trying to have a life here, if you don't mind!

I also wrote in that first red pen entry that I was feeling quite lonely. Well, I sure beat that. These days I have trouble fitting it all in! Guitar lessons started last week, doing an accounting course at BCIT, half done puzzle on the table for weeks, movies, concerts (GBS last week, Sting this week), going to Stacey's or Julie's or Gayleen's. It's good. GOOD!

Who's cryin' baby? And Fabe WHO???

Okay. Here's what I want. I want all of this to be done already. I want this fat to be a memory. I want to be living my new life - my enhanced life. The life where I row and run and dance and create and love. I want a big dick inside me. I want a man to cherish me, to realize what a beautiful person I am, inside & out.

God, I saw another fat picture of me today. How is that possible? How did I get so big? It made me doubt the road I am on. It's such a long road. Do I have the strength? Do I have the will? What will become of me?

The future is so unclear now. All of these absolutely endless possibilities. I want to do so much, make up for so much lost time. But where will I settle? It's so much easier to sit on the couch and eat and hate myself. This is so much more work! I know it's the change that is the work, though. The forming of new habits to replace the old ones. And, as for men, well, maybe someday my disdain will fade. I would love to find a fuck buddy in the mean time but I know that's only asking for trouble. But I just can't enjoy my plastic these days. I need some new porn!!

Crap! I am shot today. I feel so weird. Like I'm too exhausted to be tired. I slept for 3 or 4 hours today, until about 5:30pm. And here I am, ready to go to sleep again. I can barely keep my eyes open, it's a struggle to hold my head up but not quite ready to sleep. Sheena and I went out last night. She was sneezing and snotting all over the place. Guess I was germed. I was quite nervous earlier. Paranoia creeps in. But I'm not down, I'm not sad - I just feel like crap.

"I reach for you and find my heart"

That was in a book that I am reading. Just wanted to write it down before I forget. Got lots of thoughts in my head but I'm just too tired. Have to save it for another day, I guess.

I ran! The other day I ran across the street. Sounds so simple and basic, doesn't it? Well, as I was running I realized that I haven't ran in almost a year. A YEAR! It was 11 months ago on Saturday that I had my accident. Anyway, tonight I was babysitting Jenna and I was really late and I ran from my car to Julie's house. I was crazy out of breath but I'm so proud of myself! I am no longer a prisoner of this couch. No longer a prisoner of my own mind!

I had fun with Jenna tonight. She's a real cute kid. I even stopped a time or two and thought - omigod, I'm playing! What a weirdo I am. Such basic things to people - running, playing - and I feel like I invented it! But it makes me feel like I'm on my way to where I want to be. "Now my imagination is the only thing that can stop the bar and it's rise to the heights"

I AM FREE!!!

Whew! Just got back from the gym. My arms are kind of shaky! Feels good. What doesn't feel so good is the moment on the scale. 207? What the hell? I know, only up one pound. But don't go up! Go down! Go down! Could it have been the cheese and bacon burger and fries that I had for lunch? The ice cream, chips and chocolate bar that I had Sunday? The greek ribs that I had on Saturday? Or the 6 or 7 times that I ate out last week? What am I doing?? No wonder! Okay, need to work harder. Eat better. Pay attention again. I've been slacking off and it ain't doin' me no good! Okay, new rules. Eat out ONCE per week. That's it. Not go to the restaurant and have salad. Restaurant only once (maybe twice! I love to eat out!). I just need to male better decisions and be conscious of it all the time. I'm not getting into a big diet frame of mind. I just want to be healthy.

Hello me! Nothing in particular to say tonight. Things are going well. A little behind in my work but what else is new? Ah, the irony of "Accountable Bookkeeping"! That's mean though. I'm doing the best that I can. Well - almost. I'm working on doing for me right now, too. I am finally starting to get it through my head that I can't be everything to everyone. I don't stress about it (most of the time) and when I do, I'm able to let it go. (Thank you Wellbutrin!!) Ah, the pleasure of being able to let things go. Who know? I mean seriously. Obviously I knew that I obsessed a bit much but hey, personality trait, right? Everyone does it, right? It honestly never crossed my mind that it might be due to a chemical imbalance in my brain. Yeah, the depression, once the idea was presented to me, made so much sense. They crying, the mood swings, the sickness that I knew wasn't sickness. I would make myself sick and truly believe that I was sick and I was doing it to justify staying in bed. Well, I can't get out of bed, I feel like crap, I can't navigate through the day, I can't think, I would be totally numb. The sad part is that it was normal. Normal for me, true, but I'm the only one that I could compare me to and it wasn't new. It was worse sometimes than others but it was always there on some level. And it was easy to find something to blame it on. It was only when I realized that at 30 I was still going through my teenage angst that I even suspected it could be me. But the obsessiveness I really thought was who I am. And look at me now! I have not once checked to see if Fabian has renewed his personals ad or updated his MSN profile. Before, I couldn't not check. It was a compulsion. Maybe that's a better word than obsessive. I would get something on my mind and it would not go away. Food. Ah, that's why I've been over 200 pounds for the past 10 years! Of course! And here I am now, I have chips and chocolate in the cupboard and I'm not eating it because I am not hungry. Ha! What a concept. Needing to be hungry to eat.

Oh, thank you Wellbutrin, oh thank you Dr. Gray, even thank you shithead Pabani. I was always this person. Sometimes. A little bit. This is the person that I would see peeking out on those occasions that I would be determined to make a change. To eat better, to exercise. I like this person so much better. Chemically enhanced!!! =)

Whew! Just got back from 2 hours at the gym. Fun! I was sitting here on the couch having a crappy lazy boring day. Watched 3 movies and only got up to pee. No answering the phone (it was only Karl anyway) or nothing. The movie was putting me to sleep so I turned on Much Music and they had this 10 top hot bodies thing on where they not only said who - they said how. And it got me motivated. So I got up and got going. 1/2 hour upper body w/ free weights and 1 hour cardio. Go Bevie! Go Bevie! You know sometimes - most times - I look in the mirror and I 'm shocked at how fat I am. Seriously shocked. But it's going good. This isn't about weight loss. That's a wonderful side effect but it's about getting in shape so I can live the kind of life that I want to live - do the things that I want to do.

And boy am I pooped!

Over & out!

Hello me! Wow, had a hard time finding this book.... hid it real good last time, I guess.

Anyway, it's Thursday night about 10:30pm and I am bored and lonely. I've been lonely every day for a while now. My social meter is way down. I do little things to get it up but then I just come home and feel lonely all over again. This whole not working after 6pm isn't working. The evenings alone are far too long. Julie and I have been going to the gym and I've been watching a lot of movies. I don't know. Trying not to let it get me down but I have to admit it's a struggle.

Okay - so what good has been happening? The list is long, I must say. Well, first of all, like I said, I've been going to the gym. We joined the YMCA a couple of weeks ago. It's good to get back at it. Since I saw that HORRIBLE picture of myself at the beach at the end of July, I have lost around 13 pounds. Not sure of my weight then because I was avoiding all scales but I'm pretty sure I was around 220. I'm now at 207 fully dressed and sneakered. Feels good. It's different this time, too. I have no interest in food. I did have a mini-boredom binge this evening, I do admit. Just some ice cream. No biggy. Most nights I don't even want supper. The problem with that, though, is I'm really hungry by midnight. And I also haven't been eating enough to keep my energy level up - if you can believe that! =) How nice to not be a slave to food, how nice to not be hiding behind a big burger. I have been trying to read my body - eat when I am hungry, not eat when I'm not. What a concept!

And I'm not obsessed with it but I actually can envision myself thin. Well, a lot smaller than I've been since high school, anyway. And active. How thrilling. I want to try everything. I feel like I have missed out on so much. Like all of those sad years from 15-32 were just wasted. But I'm making up for it now and that's what is important.

Also, no entry would be complete without the mention of some male! I gave Fabian his walking papers two or three weeks ago. How nice - can't even remember when!! There was nothing left to salvage and I finally thought 'why am I bothering?' So that's the end - finally. After a dozen or so breakups in the past two years. Geez, not too quick, am I? And, yes, I still think of him daily but it's getting less all the time. He sent me an email on Monday night. I'm pretty confident that it was in error but nevertheless it gave me the opportunity to really sit back and evaluate where I am on the whole deal. And I'm proud to say that it's finally over for me. There is nothing that I can imagine that would make me want to get back with him. Let's break it down, shall we? (To re-read on those lonely nights when temptation is getting the better of me!) Hmmm... positives maybe - the list is shorter, after all! 1. he makes me laugh, 2. he cuddles well, 3. good sex, 4. he compliments me. Ouch - 3 of those are no longer even valid and that's all I can come up with. The negatives: 1. he stopped cuddling, 2. sex became his dick in a dry hole. Yeah he still turned me on but, let's face it, that ain't difficult. The last few times with him, even when I asked, he wasn't interested in anything more. And I am no one's hole anymore. That was all too reminiscent of Karl. No touching, no kissing, me on top doing all the work, thinking 'what the hell am I bothering for?' And when I was thinking that while he was actually inside me, I figure that was a bad thing. 3. the compliments stopped long ago, no matter how hard I tried, 4. he wouldn't go out, even to a stupid movie!, 5. everything had to be his way - let's eat at home, go to the store, wings not chicken. I mean COME ON!, 6. the whole female attitude thing. I now feel toward men the way he feels about women and that really bothers me. But more about that later. 7. the comments about people - they aren't human, they should be allowed to kill each other, the constant complaints but mostly the comments about how all those horrible people made him feel like a better person. Is your self esteem that low that you have to put others down to bring yourself up? 8. he lives in someone else's house. Whats-her-face left like 5 years ago, man. Move on already! 9. he drives a bus, 10. he drives an Echo, 'nuff said, 11. he wouldn't open up, 12. he doesn't want a relationship with me. Why did I keep trying to force it on him? 13. he's a dreamer. And this is usually a positive for me but follow through once, just once! Sailing, hiking, moving, buying a motor bike. JUST ONCE! 14. no respect for me, no thought for my feelings or needs, 15. holidays. I could always count on him - to be somewhere else. 16. couldn't trust him. That whole internet dating thing? Yeah, I'll never get past that. Shit, could have saved myself a year and a half, minimum.

Okay, the list is getting long. And sadly I could continue for another page or so. But, bare bones? I liked him and I really wanted him to like me back. But it's so obvious that it was never going to happen. Time to let go.

So, what's also obvious is I'm not over him. Otherwise this cramping in my writing hand wouldn't be worth it. But I will be over him. GUARONTEEED, BABY!! And next time, my standards will be higher. Wanting to put his dick in me will not be enough - even if he does it really well! But that's a while in the future yet. I am just figuring out who I am. This is no time to bring someone else into the picture.

So I'll deal with the loneliness and fill my time having fun and bettering myself. It will all come out in the wash, as they say.

And just you wait and see - good things are coming. I just know it! =)

Ow, my hand hurts... otherwise I'd go on and on and on and on and on on on on.

Cheers!






Okay, my hand is freakin' killing me but I can't leave it at that - I ain't done yet, child! I just re-read the entries in this book, as I always do. And, as always, seems like same shit, different day. To read this you can't see any of the distance that I have come in the past 8 months. I left out a great big part about ME!

So, to say that my life has changed is putting it mildly. No, maybe that's not right. My life hasn't really changed but I have. Okay, revise the statement AGAIN. I haven't changed but the depression person is all but gone and that girl that I like is around more. And that has helped me make some headway with my so called life! It's not just the exercise, not just the boys, it's me inside. I'm more... me, I guess. Not only have my work habits improved (although it's been a real struggle since I got back from home a few weeks ago), my financial situation has improved. I wonder why? Doesn't really feel that much different. I think it's maybe less emotional spending (read wasting) of my hard earned cash. Still a long way to go, of course. I'm trying to correct 18 years of sadness here. It's not all going to change over night.

But, you know what else has changed? And this I think I'm most proud of. My tendency to put everyone else before me. How did I put it last year? My happiness has always been dependent on making someone else happy. I have always spent so much time trying to be everything to everyone that I think I became little to most. Like the way I always put it on myself to tell Tom that he missed an occasion or to send Aaron & Brandon Christmas presents. What did that stuff help? I would get into a big brawl with Tom and it really wasn't my place. It wasn't my responsibility. Yes, I will still do the best I can for those that I care about but my stuff - not everyone else's. And putting myself out for everyone. It's one thing to be dependable but I gave up myself to be something for everyone else. Do you know what I mean? For Mom, for my customers, for Fabe, for everyone but me. I'm doing so much better in that respect. It's funny. I know my new found confidence and self-love actually puts people (namely my family) off. I saw it when I was home. But what can I do? On of the things that I've always liked about myself is my strong convictions and now I guess I'm more vocal about it. No, I don't agree with Karl writing FUCK YOU on his neighbor's lawn, no I don't believe that everyone down and out on Fabe's bus route is expendable and inhuman, no I won't be involved in Joe's personal life so much that I feel like Sheena's surrogate mother, no I won't move back home so that I can spend my adult years babysitting for my mother. Doesn't she see what I lost because of that in my teens? Doesn't she understand that I don't want to have children because of the responsibility placed on me at such a young age? I wanted to please her. I wanted to do everything to earn her love, to get a little bit of attention, so I gave up my life so she could live hers. Isn't that backward?

I like being on my own, I like not having to worry about anyone but me. But, at the same time, I think all of my new found me is pushing people away. It's new, though. I'm sure it will all even out with time.

I do need to make some new friends, though. I need to increase my social meter. I've been doing good - going to lots of concerts, doing fun things. I think getting more active will help all of that. But how do you meet people when you live alone, work alone, have no children, when you are me? I guess I'll just have to find a way - but no more internet dating. I ain't kissing another 2 years, 5 years goodbye. Standards are higher.

Nite!

Damn, I go into all of this as if I actually know what I'm doing - as if I can handle it. No problem. Well, he's been pretty much non-existent since the night I let out the L word. We've spoken pretty much every day but he only stayed over one night. And on that night lovesick Beverly gave the Fabe a key. And I haven't seen him since. That was Friday night. Saturday night he was supposed to come over and he totally stood me up. Pretty shitty. He said that he fell asleep but his phone was on when I called at 9:30 and off 20 minutes later. The next day, yesterday, he thought I was being foolish to even be bothered by it. So, he said he'd come over after work. Got off at 6:30pm. Didn't call. Okay, no problem. Didn't call. Hmmm. Didn't call. That son of a bitch. Didn't call. Fuck him, I don't need this. At 9:40pm he called and I was ready. Blah, blah, blah, had enough, blah.

And that was the moment that Fabe walked in. I was about to say that I'm trying to give myself permission to love him again. And we had a good evening. We hadn't spoken since Saturday morning. Another of those CAVE ventures, I guess. I'm expecting another REAL SOON! Because last night I told him that I love him. Haven't said that since we broke up in June. I've been doing this 'casual' thing but it was becoming more confusing and frustrating than helpful. And so I have given myself permission to give everything, go in without thought of the end and see what happens. Because, if it ends, I'll know that I did what I could and that's all I can do. And, if it doesn't end, well, all the better. But I'm expecting another silent spurt because when he left this morning he said "I'll see you later". And we all know that means don't sit by the phone. So we'll see, we'll see.

Oops new ink color! New phase. Start again, start again. Well, as long as I don't stop trying, right? I must be getting somewhere in all of this. It's been a long time since November when I last wrote. Almost my life. Hmmmm.

Well, I got low. Down. Blue. BAD. The worst one yet. Dr. Gray finally decided that it was time for meds. Definitely chemical, he said - because I followed his advice, I was true to my therapy and was getting steadily worse. After a lot of fear and research I started taking Wellbutrin SR on January 5th. For the first two weeks I was raving 'miracle pill' but I realized that there is no such thing. I do feel that it has been helping me cope though and that's been the most difficult part of all of this. But I have a lot of bad habits that I need to work to overcome. I should go back to therapy, too, I guess. But I really feel that I have no issues. But I do. I do. I do. Nothing that big of a deal, though. Surely my difficulty with relationships is not that much anymore. Enough to warrant $120 per hour? It's early days yet. I have lots of time to decide.

Okay, here's today's issue. Am I going to give myself permission... I guess I will have to get into this later.