Lost and found

What's new? Are you sitting down? Not that there's anything exceptionally exciting or tragic but... well, I tend to go on and on. And on. And... okay, I've made my point.

So, what is new? I went to Mexico! My first 'vacation' since I went to Florida when I was eight. Stacey and I had been talking about going away for years - we even opened a bank account to save some money one year... and closed it a few months later. Anyway, we did it, it was wonderful. It was pretty cool! There were four pools and we were right on the ocean. The sand is more fine than table salt! (Do you understand that I come from a place called "the rock"?? There's no sand. There is rock.) We lazed around by the water all day - Stacey chasing the sun, me hiding from it. Stacey never burns and she got a burn on her back while wearing SPF 30 sun block in Mexico! I burn in frickin' Alaska.

The hotel was pretty cool. We were on the 10th floor so there was a lot of elevators going on. I actually walked up the stairs 4.5 times - the first time I only made it to the fourth floor! (the first time I was wheezing for my inhaler, the second time I took my inhaler too soon (you are supposed to huff at least 15 minutes before exercising and I took a huff about one minute before I started so it didn't really help), the third time I took my inhaler wrong and sucked it into my stomach again (it raises your blood pressure because it is stimulating your whatever or some such shit - ask my sister, she's the pharmacist!) and the last time I walked up those stairs I barely even breathed heavy (for someone who's body reacts so quickly and dramatically to exercise and good diet, I really do lead a life style on the shit end of the stick sometimes!!). Anyway. Does any of that make sense? I'm stoned again. (don't get me started!)

So, Mexico. We had an amazing view of the Caribbean ocean from our veranda. Two queen sized beds pushed together. I asked Stacey for the bed on the right side because I sleep facing that way and it's the only way I can disguise my little problem (I don't know you well enough to tell you about that one! If I'm hiding it from Stacey, I'm certainly not telling the world!). I was also closest to the bathroom (which was really good since I spent the first night there barfing my guts out!). The mini bar was refilled daily with pop and water and beer, and everything was free (well, perhaps I should say 'included'!).

It was kind of funny, living with Stacey like that. Man, I love her but we are d-i-f-f-e-r-e-n-t! Holy shit. Now I see why she thinks I'm anal and a clean freak. She's a slob. I was even tiding her stuff every day. But, perhaps I shouldn't say a slob because she is actually just like about 85% of most people that I know - I am the odd man out in this equation. But she just leaves a mess in her wake. We got along pretty good. I had some time by myself (which you will hear about next) but I enjoyed being with her. Like she was almost my practise for a man - starting small, without the added pressure of it being a guy and romantic feelings (in my world they are called insecurities... romance = insecure).

As far as I can see, I have two areas of problems with men - getting them and keeping them. A few have fallen through the cracks in the getting them department but they all fell through in the keeping them part. I have learned that I project a different image of who I am than who I actually am. Hmmm, confused? People see me differently than I see myself. The person that people see isn't actually me. I'm getting closer but I still don't think I look like the person that I am; although I do still feel that it will happen in time. So the 'getting' them part is a work in progress. I also think that the revelations and changes of last year are still settling in (actually, sometimes I lose them, veer off track and I would like to get into that if my fingers can handle it!) so I am wondering how I will do next time in the keeping them department. I used my Stacey as kind of a test in dealing with someone else in that scenario (trust me, it hasn't been pretty in the past) but it was also different. I know she loves me, I don't doubt that she is there for me, she is interested in me, she doesn't have the power to go screw someone else and fuck up my life, she doesn't have a penis and therefore I am myself when she is around. (I'm learning, I'm learning! I will learn to be me around the penises soon, I hope! Like. Real. Soon. I. HOPE.)

I wasn't bitchy. I wasn't rude. Or inconsiderate (well, when I was at least I realized it and acknowledged it). And when she was inconsiderate I took it in stride. We didn't squabble or drive each other up the wall at all. I am looking for Stacey with male parts as my life partner. I love that woman. She is irritating sometimes and I think that even makes her better! Because I am irritating sometimes, too! And that's okay. We had a lot of fun! We learned to barter and we went on a club-crawl. Stacey went on a day long outing to see the Mayan Ruins but I stayed in bed that day. I would tell you why but I am fading fast. Maybe more later.

Bored and lonely

I went to the casino with Rob tonight. I looked hot... or I guess about as good as I get. And that question was answered. And the answer was no thanks. I didn't have a terribly good time with him anyway. I so need to get laid. I'm so sick of being alone. I need something to happen. And soon.

You win some, you lose some (I'm going to put this down as a win)

hi bev,
thanks for your email..friends it is...now i know where your coming from..and i don't have any regrets meeting you..i really just keep to myself..friends bug me to come out and i just don't...i would rather just hang with my son.but tomorrow i guess i'm going to the foot ball game..they have a bunch of tickets..it should be fun..but you know i would rather stay home...are ya interested in watching nathan for two or three hours till his sister comes over to watch him?????if you do i'll buy ya a drink next weekend at the casino(he goes to his moms).or if ya don't i'll still buy you one...

Rinse and repeat

I wrote this email to Rob after my last post. But before I copy it here, I want to comment on the old journal and old habits. I am on October 2005 in my transposition and every day I am boo hooing about the Fabe and I kept sending him emails!! I honestly don't feel that this is the same situation but I also want to make sure that it doesn't get too similar. I will see if Rob reacts to this email and, if he doesn't, I won't contact him again... poor fella!!!

"Hi Rob:

I expect that you are quite possibly in the early stages of regretting that you ever heard of me but, before that happens, I am going to push my luck just one more time! I will thank you in advance for reading this, thinking about it and coming to terms with what I am going to tell you... hopefully in a good way but... well, I guess we will have to just wait and see.

To put it bluntly, I like you... but I feel that you may be misreading my intentions so I want to clarify a few things. I think we have already established that there are no romantic feelings between us and, in case you haven't already deduced this on your own, I want you to know that I am totally cool with that. There are plenty of fish in the sea and on the web so that is really not a factor in my communications with you anymore and, honestly, hasn't been an issue for quite some time. However, I have always had male friends (and I really like having male friends... because girls can be so irritating sometimes!! tee hee!) and one common factor in all of these relationships has been a long, drawn out period of overcoming the hurdle of the boy/girl stuff. So, I guess I am trying to jump that hurdle at warp speed by telling you that when I comment on things that we could do together, like playing Rock Band or watching a hockey game, I am not inferring or hinting that these are date things. You are a man and I am a woman but we are also just people and, as people, I simply like knowing you and hanging out with you - and Nathan, too. (you're funny and you're fun and you PLAY... do you realize how rare that is??). I am not trying to win you over with cookies or video games, I am just being myself in the only way I can.

So there. That's all. I just hate awkwardness. I hate thinking that I shouldn't say certain things because you think that I am hitting on you. It's totally cool if you didn't reply to my last emails because you are busy or indifferent or even because you just plain didn't want to. Totally cool. Trust me. I like you but (no offence!!) I can live without you. (shit, that's terrible but I didn't know how else to put it!!!). Just... if you don't want to hang out with me, that's totally your decision and totally, totally okay... but if you do want to be my friend but have hesitated because you think that I am looking for more, I simply want to assure you that I'm not. You are fun, I am fun, we have fun together... it's that simple.

Okay, that's all I wanted to say. I'm glad I got that off my chest. I never claimed to be shy but I am not always this abrupt either... I just don't know how else I am going to touch a frog again!!!!!! And I want to go zip-lining soon and, if you play your cards right, I just might invite you to come, too!

Cheers, friend"

Here's what's going on today

I love you. Did I mention that before? Man, the freedom that this blog has given me is like nothing I have ever experienced. Of course, I am different now... able to be more open and express myself but a lot of that is because I can pull out my keyboard at any given moment and work out whatever happens to be boggling my mind. So thank you. How silly, thanking an inanimate object but that's okay... I'm silly. *grin*

Okay, so there are three things that I want to talk about. Firstly, as this is of immediate importance, I hate food. I know I have always had a love/hate relationship with food but today it's mostly just hate. And not because I want what I can't have but because I don't want. I don't want to eat. I have no appetite. I had a bowl of cereal this morning because I had to stop the growling and that is the only morsel of food that has entered my body today. And I know that this is a big stumbling block in my weight-loss efforts. When this happened in the olden days, I would eat junk. I only ate junk because I had no interest in good food - if I could order it or run out and get it in five minutes or make it in ten, I would eat it. Otherwise, no thank you very much. But now these pictures are ingrained into my brain and I don't want the junk either so now I have nothing. I'm munching on an apple to try and use Ian's trick of making me eat something small so that I could get an appetite for something big... it usually works so we'll see. I need food for fuel because when I don't eat, I don't exercise and I my body will start freaking out and holding on to the fat tighter as it foresees starvation mode. Picking here and there isn't enough... and right now I would normally pick up the phone and call the local pizza joint but now that is no longer an option either. Fatty.

Judy from Big Sisters just left... we had our second meeting here - the "home visit". We had a good talk and the last hour or so was mostly her talking about her frustrations with recent problems in the organization and her impending retirement. (Basically her replacement isn't working out and she has not been able to effectively communicate the issues with the board of directors that make all of those decisions) I lost count of how many times she said that she had told me more than she should have, that it was inappropriate to discuss these things. And, yes, it is in general I guess but I have always drawn people out in this way and I assured her that the things I told her would go no further than my ears - perhaps I should have mentioned my blog! Anyway, I guess my point is that I like the fact that I draw people out in this way. I am glad that there is something about my personality that makes people trust and confide in me. It renews my faith in the path that I have been travelling.

And my third topic - surprise, surprise - is Rob. Somewhere during my conversation with Judy, I decided to email Rob and put it all out on the line. Not the crush, although I am sure that's what you are expecting. No, I want to tell him that I'm totally cool with things not going in that direction and I would still like to be friends and not feel like I am making him uncomfortable when I ask him to do things. A little, teeny thought that goes something like "should I??" pops up but the answer is yes! I won't be any further behind than I am right now and I like him... I like him as a person and that shouldn't be pushed aside just because I'm a girl and he's a boy! So, I'm gonna. I think. I will. Maybe...

S-e-x

I need to get laid, I need to be touched. It hurts... I need it so bad it actually hurts. Just now I was fantasizing about asking Fabian if he would be up for a one-nighter. Not a fuck and leave but good sex... romantic sex... foreplay... kissing... touching... his penis in my mouth. Fuck. Writing this is not helping AT ALL!!!!

Still

OMG... I still have a HUGE crush on Rob. Just in case you were wondering. ;-)

Friends

You know, something just occurred to me. Maybe he just wants to be friends. Perhaps he really likes me but doesn't feel that there is chemistry. I think I can live with that for a while. I think I would like that for a while. I'm so damn good at being friends with my boyfriends after we break up... why not try being friends and let's just see? Sounds like an option.

Obviously I am not happy with how I look. I have said a million times that I'm only fat on the outside. I truly don't think that this is what I look like. This is a cloak, a suit, protective armour. I think that I would like to shed this armour and all the while become friends with this man that I hope so much is a part of my future. I will always leave the door open and when (okay, if) he makes a move on me it will be because he is physically attracted to me... because he feels chemistry. I feel chemistry. There is chemistry. I just need to get out of this fat suit so he can see it. It's like that movie where the girl dresses up as her brother to play soccer but falls in love with his friend. It's like Rodney finally becoming Robyn. It is letting your inside come out. It is being comfortable enough with who I am on the inside that I can let it show on the outside. My reasons for wearing this cloak are no longer valid... it's time to let go.

And reach out for a family of my own. (HOLY FUCK!!!)

Yesterday

Oh, yesterday was a good day. I went hunting for frogs! And then we went for a walk around the park and kicked a soccer ball around! And then Rob and Nathan came here for a while for some cookies!!! Oh yeah... good day.

Today? I want to see them. I want to touch Rob. I ache to touch him. I didn't say sex... I said touch, lean against, breath, kiss, touch. Oh yeah... oh yeah.

Lessons

Karl taught me to fight.
Karl taught me that good enough wasn't good enough for me.
Karl taught me that if I keep trying to break free I will eventually succeed.
Fabian taught me to question things.
Fabian taught me to finally see that the problem was me.
Fabian taught me that if I keep trying to break free I will eventually succeed.
Ian taught me what nice meant.
Ian taught me how to accept love.
Ian taught me that if I keep trying to break free I will eventually succeed.

Now I need to learn how to give love.
I need to learn how to open myself up to someone.
I need to learn that if I don't try to break free maybe he'll wanna keep me.
And if he does want to keep me but I don't feel the same, I need to learn that it's okay to say no. This is not a commitment right now. This is not the future. This is a possibility. A very exciting, hopeful, fingers crossed, tingles in the nether regions possibility and yet only a possibility. Live on, good friend... live on.

This just in...

I am sitting here, struggling with being nice... I am struggling, fighting, pushing, pulling myself and I'm sitting here almost trying to remember which way is the right way.

So, I'll update you first... perhaps even a quick recap, just for fun!

The first time Rob emailed me was September 3rd-ish... that was a Wednesday. We chatted back and forth once or twice a day until Saturday morning and then I went to the beer festival on the island. I kept thinking about him and finally sent him a 'whut up' email on Wednesday-ish. So we chatted back and forth again until he said we should get together sometime. I replied like-when-ish and went on to comment that Stacey was here for the day. He totally backed off and did a I-didn't-mean-today-anyway stammer. (how did I not recognize those in guys before?) I said how about at practise, he said Monday or Wednesday, I said Wednesday and holy crap. So we met that Wednesday... I was there for about ninety minutes, we chatted, I freaked out but kept on smiling. Then I think I convinced myself that he wouldn't like me anyway because he's far too cute for a fat girl like me. ("no you can't join ballet... none of the boys would be able to lift you"... why did she say such terrible things?) And practise was over so we played around in the playground and I had so much fun. I'm even lol-ing as I remember... nice memory. I left the park, called Stacey on the way home - didn't even wait until I got home and could think about it for a while I was so certain - and told her unfortunately, no.

And then he emailed that night. What the heck? (my short recaps can go on for days, huh?) "Did I pass the chemistry test" he said. MELT! Too well... I asked him if he had cheat notes. So bold am I sometimes. He emailed the next day and we went back and forth a couple of times and I told him to just call me. He said he would call the next night. And he did. I felt comfortable at first and then I just... I think I was stoned so I probably just stopped paying attention. (shit, gonna have to edit that out when they turn this into a movie!) I didn't have a lot of positive feelings about that call, really... it felt strained but I don't really know why... insecurity or intuition? (only time will tell!) But then he called the next day or day after that and invited me to the aquarium the following day. I still wonder if this was too forward and overbearing... I took charge and made the plans and then I totally chickened out and said oh, shit, I think that was too forward and overbearing and the next day I was nice and present but I barely spoke to Rob. He was sweet when I broke his glove box. Um, embarrassed much? Then he paid me back for the parking but wanted me to pay my own way into the aquarium. I'm not saying anything about that because I do remember liking that at the time... I just want to record it, perhaps for future reference or whatever. He wasn't overly friendly that day... nice enough I guess... I don't know why I would say that he wasn't overly friendly, actually... he reacted when I put my hand out to help him with something a couple of times. I don't know if it was because he's just not used to the help or if he didn't like it. Hmm. Why wouldn't he like it? He jumped a little when I touched him the first time. Ugh, my heart beats a little faster when I think of being near him. How weird is that? I haven't even held his hand yet and he makes me giddy. I swear I felt, like, a current or something between us at the aquarium. Ha... that was when I backed off. He started to come closer to me and I backed off. Holy Cameron Abbot, dude. Weird. No, too hot for Cameron Abbot but same reaction. And then I stayed back. The rest of the day. Or did he pull back and start acting different? Perhaps I sensed a back peddle from him. I spent a lot of time in that car thinking that he was really quiet so that's probably why he wasn't saying much. Nathan fell asleep and we pretty much didn't speak the whole way home. I was enjoying the comfortable silence but when I looked at it from his perspective I realized that I... oops, getting a step ahead.

I don't like this part. I'm such a freak. So I send him this gushing email about how good of a father he is, no reply, no call, no nuthin'. Ugh, this is embarrassing. Then I sent him an email joke, he replied with one line, I replied with one line. And like two days later I sent a "well, your silence speaks volumes" email. That's not actually what I said to Rob but as I'm thinking about this, what I said to Fabian came into my head. Same shit, different day. But he didn't laugh at me or make me feel stupid like Fabian did... although I do remember really liking it when Fabian did it. More comfortable, perhaps? He emailed back and said your a nice person (but we'll forgive him this blunder... even my mother does it... even Sheena does it... Chelanna will never ever do it) and deserve to find a good guy, good with kids, nice stuff. Why does he keep doing that? Ian. Oh shit. You look better than your pics, I told Rob. Oh and he does but I didn't want him to know that and then put up better pics that would show how hot he is and then all the girls would want him!! Hahaha... how devious! But I had taken the romantic stuff off the table. My god, I want to rip this man's clothes off. I kid you not.

Then I sent him this email in which I poured out my heart. That was real and true. That was when I realized what I do. However, as I said to Stacey, recognizing it does not make it go away. I asked him out, he said yes (and thanks for being so open with me... sigh) and I said when and nothing. I called I think three days later, no answer, left message, no call back. I will point out, however, that I wimped out again a bit and just said it's Bev calling to say hi. That's all. I cowered. And nothing. Then I updated my profile, he sent me a note and said he liked my new pics and what was the popcorn in the picture, I replied that it was my pic and that was my super comfy couch and how was the game today and he told me about the game and asked if I found a great new job yet and said to call him if I wanted. I think I already said this stuff but I said Stacey was coming over and I would call tomorrow which is tonight and I called tonight and there was no answer and I left a message so much better than the one last week and said it's Bev, time and day, call me back if you want, bye bye. He sent a note two hours later saying that he was at the movie and just got home and was very tired so he would call tomorrow. I wrote an email saying no worries, get some rest, him falling asleep would hurt my ego or some such drivel, talk to you tomorrow. And this is where I talked myself down out of the tree and hit send.

First of all, to even convince myself to call him I started telling myself that we are worrying about right now. One phone call. That's it. No decisions have been made any further than that. When I still stalled about calling, I reminded myself that I jumped off a fricken' bridge 250ft down with a little bit of rope wrapped around my feet... I think I can manage phone call. Yes, I want him soooooooo badly but that's just going to have to wait a minute. Oh, but it's going so well! Stacey is going crazy - ask him out, when is he going to ask you out, why didn't he ask you out, did he call, you call him. Sheesh! We are night and day with this stuff. I say slow, slow... the only way this is going to work for me is slow. I need to believe that he wants me before I fall for him or I will never believe it. Actually, I don't know if that's true anymore but I'm not taking a chance. And tomorrow I will talk to him, I will have a conversation with him, I will ask him questions and I will answer his confidently and with respect and consideration of the fact that we are getting to know each other and he deserves to know who I really am, too.

So this email was driving me insane - was it too nice, too much, too forward, too kiss ass, too wrong - was it okay? How could that be? Are people that nice to each other, really? And won't that make him head for the hills? Don't men run at the first sign of... oh, I see the difference... it's the difference between being needing and needy. Yes, mars and venus. So, to make a long story short (tee hee!), I decided to be nice and I hit send. I decided that the Bev that I want to be wants to be this nice and if Rob doesn't want someone who will be this nice then I will find someone who does. I pulled away from Lyle... I watched and listened and interpreted and I decided that he wasn't for me. Yes, on paper... just what I was looking for. In reality, ah-no. And when that jeepdave guy gave me just a little grief I stepped back to allow him to do better or to allow me to save a lot of time... and he saved me a lot of time. And now Rob is somewhat in the picture again. I really like Rob, I do. I don't care what my mother says, I like him and I am going to do it openly and fully. I can only control my own behaviour and no one else's. If I am me and he doesn't want me, I am totally okay with that. Yes, it will hurt, don't be silly but I hurt with Ian, too... I felt it and I went through it and look at me now, kid. But what if I am me and he does want me. Do you understand how big that is? Have I told you before about crying at these romance movies as I thought "I will never have that" and believe it with every fibre of my being. And I accepted it. I didn't scream, yes, I will have it... I said no, that's not who I am. I argued with Ian once "I'm not the kind of person that people want to be around" and I meant it. How silly.

High fuckin' Five, baby!

Ian just left... he brought over a little gift (that I paid him for). I was laughing in my head a bit. We were having a conversation... not that I was talking and he was nodding, we were having a conversation. I get it! We were having a conversation. I was asking him questions about him, what he's up to, how he feels about things... and I was interested in his answers. Did I do that before? With anyone? I mean with anyone that I already know. This is how I talk to people that I don't know, this is why they are attracted to me. This is what I stop doing. THIS IS WHAT I HAVE BEEN DOING WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!

Ah, yes... that is the question

To call or not to call. I totally planned to call Rob tonight. At 9:35pm. It's now 9:39pm. Too stressed. Far too stressed. Far too wimpy. Crap. What should I do?????????


*** Yeah, I called. He didn't answer. Screening? Sigh. I HATE THIS!


***** Suck it the fuck up, sister.

And he said...

hey bev



ya i would like to go for a drink sometime with you..that would be cool..as a couple of grown ups??i don't know about that..i'm still in my childhood


and thanks for being open with me

Composition of possible email to Rob

I don't know if I will want to send this but I keep composing it in my head so I figured I might as well write it down at least.

Hi Rob:

Well, this is sorta weird and embarrassing so I guess I'll jump right in... would you be interested in meeting me for a drink or something one day, just me and you? No pressure, no strings, no expectations. Just a couple of grown ups hanging out when Nathan is busy with other things.

After I sent you that 'copy and paste' email last night, I remembered how much fun I had in our early email days... I really used to look forward to our back and forth conversations, you made me laugh and I enjoyed how you would get excited about your son and his sports. Before we met I remember thinking that, even if the romantic stuff didn't pan out, you were someone I would like to have as a friend. I felt we kind of clicked somehow.

And that made me wonder why we didn't click in person. Obviously, I don't know how you feel about it all but I would like to tell you the answer from my perspective.

To start, simply put... I choked. I have not liked someone new in a long, long time and, as soon as I saw you on that soccer field, I ran face first into a wall of insecurity that I used to hide behind oh so many years ago. I was attracted to you and I reacted by pulling away.

Also, I never dated anyone who had a child before. I was so busy having fun with Nathan that day at the aquarium that I overlooked the fact that you and I were supposed to be getting to know each other, too. And I sometimes tend to get caught up in observing the world and forget to just let my guard down and participate. There are many things that I wanted to know about you but somehow I didn't ask... I guess I thought it would keep for another day.

You said that I was great with kids but I'm great with grown-ups, too... I didn't take the chance that I had to show you that so I'm asking for another. And I honestly have no expectations here - I have no idea of your perspective on this - I just felt that I needed to ask the question... because you never know...

Okay, okay... you win!! The truth is I just want to see your burnt nose!! lol

Hope you guys had a good practice... what a beautiful day!

Bev



*** And I just sent it. 6pm

Big discovery!

I just had a revelation that practically knocked me off my feet. When I was writing that email to Rob earlier, I thought that it was funny that my tone had returned to exactly how it was before I met him. When we were emailing I was outgoing and witty, and we clicked - I know we did. Then I met him and realized that strong attraction for him and I went into observe mode. The problem is that I spent so much time observing that I forgot to participate.

I have always felt like I was on the outside looking in. Could it possibly be because that's exactly what I was always doing?? Maybe it wasn't that I had low self-esteem which manifested itself through my seratonin deficiency (not to discount that because I truly believe that it made a huge impact on my life), and that really never made sense because I didn't believe all of those bad things about myself. I was just trying to explain or figure out why I was so happy when I was by myself or with Stacey and other friends but I was so unhappy when I was with a man for any length of time (or any stranger when I was younger). I always stood on the outside and watched and observed and I think I just forgot to participate. That's why these men never know me. That's why I always thought I was wrong. The men ended up as friends.

I always phrased it as being able to remain friends with my boyfriends but I realized tonight that it's more like I have been able to only be friends with my boyfriends. As soon as that idea of a relationship was off the table, my whole persona changed back to me. Yes, I lose myself in relationships but only through neglect and perhaps a bit of laziness. That's why I usually only fall for men that I'm not attracted to... I don't do that pulling back... until after I fall for them and then it's too late because they are already in too deep. Wowsers, dude. That's huge.

Holy moly! Baby...

I just discovered something about myself. And something that is quite possibly the reason that I am at odds with the men that fall in love with me.

I was sitting here thinking about how different communications were between Rob and I when we emailed and when we were in person. How could we have clicked so well in writing but not at all in person? Because I suck at dating.

I did not make an effort to talk to him. With Nathan, I couldn't find enough to say; with Rob, I was awkward and uncomfortable, I was pleasant enough and had a good attitude but whatever it was in me that Rob was attracted to via email was gone in person.

And that tendency has always been there - perhaps the only e... nope, I was going to say perhaps the only exception was Ian but it was there with him, too. The funniest part is, when I try to figure out why I realized that I just didn't think of it. I chat with people everywhere. I talk to everyone. I love to ask questions and find out how people feel about different topics and to learn about their experiences. I guess, again, the habit was to lose myself and, even when I worked emotional stuff out, the habit was still there. Exactly like the eating. Just a hard habit to break. Of course, actually recognizing it should assist somewhat in that department!

When I thought he liked me... no, even before then... I walked up to him in that park and I was a different person. Obviously the weight couldn't have been too important to him... he saw pictures of me before we met and emailed me right after the meet-cute. I just detached from my personality the moment I was in his presence. If he was an older man or a kid, someone that I wasn't attracted to, you wouldn't be able to slow me down but this good looking guy? I'm nice enough. I smile, I'm agreeable, everything is okay at all times. And I forget to be myself.

I guess it wasn't outwardly apparent with Lyle because he didn't shut up. Even though from day one I felt uncomfortable, like I wasn't really being true to myself. I just turn into this "whatever you want" girl. The reason I hate that sentence so much is probably because I want to do whatever they want to do... and if they feel the same, there's no where to go with it. Hm. Hm... need to process this a little more.

Sleep

I can't sleep. It's after 6am; Stacey and I watched movies and went to bed at 10:30pm. I woke up at 2:30am and the rest, as they say...

Anyway, I'm effin' bored. I was working on my POF profile but then I kinda wondered why I was trying to force it when the words just weren't coming to me. Because I'm tired and I can't think straight, most likely. Crap.

But here's an interesting update... well, three updates, actually... what a whore! lol

Before I went to sleep on Friday night, I decided to try communication and sent messages to a couple of swimmers. First, I will tell you about Johnny because I don't think I really mentioned him yet. We chatted online last week and got totally drunk together and flirted. The conversation ended with him wondering how much it would cost to get a cab from Vancouver to Langley... and I say ended because that was when I turned off the computer. He's kinda cute, I had fun flirting with him but he is in no way my kind of guy. He sent a few messages since, basically asking why I wasn't chatting with him and the last one said "when are we going to hook up". So, I sent him a message and said "Sorry, I'm just not the kinda girl 'hooks up' anymore. I used to be so I can still talk the talk but I no longer walk the walk." *giggle* He replied with "if ever you have to have that 'itch' scratched, dont hesitate to msg me." But I scratched it myself a couple of hours ago. (instead of warm milk but it didn't work... obv!)

The second message was to Rob and basically said that he was way cuter than his profile pic and that he would probably have better luck if he changed it. (I'm so forward sometimes! I wonder if that freaks people out?) He was sweet and thanked me for my kindness. He said he hopes that I find the right guy, that I was a very nice person and great with kids and Nathan always plays with the little frog thingys that I bought him at the aquarium. I was going to reply saying that we still have to bungy jump but I decided to let sleeping dogs lie.

And then I sent a note to Dave and said that he owes me a buck fifty for the water that I had to buy at Tim Horton's while I was waiting for him to not show up and that a phone call would have been way cheaper. lol He said that he was there (I love how he said that he kept the receipt to prove it! hmmm) which is totally believable because I was five minutes late and he said he didn't think I would show anyway because I didn't call at 3pm like I was supposed to. (although I never intended to call at 3pm, I thought it was all confirmed) He asked why I didn't call him and I said that I was too busy laughing my ass off, which Stacey said he probably took as a bad thing considering the circumstances so I then send another note saying "Um... that's when you are supposed to reschedule, sir. I had fun talking to you the other night; I kinda thought you were enjoying yourself, too. Are you going to let a little misunderstanding become a roadblock?" We are still working out the where and when.

How brave am I, huh? So impressed. So cool. So me.


*** So, Dave emails and says he wants to have coffee today, I call him to ask what time, what time for what he says. He seems distracted so I asked if he wanted to call me back, yeah, I'll call you in a couple of minutes he says. The phone rings 45 minutes later - I didn't even bother to pick it up.

****** I did email Rob a nice, funny reply and said that he has to go bungy jumping and I want to see his pics.

What can I say?

Laughter wore off a little while ago... I still think it's fricken funny but it's hard not knowing what comes next. I was so much more comfortable back in the day when I controlled what happened. Not that it always turned out the way I wanted it to but it was definitely me who made most of the major moves. Now I wait.

I'm not sure if it would be better for me to contact Dave and give him heck and then laugh about it. It would be much better for him, sure, but would it be better for me? And, at the same time, I wonder is it dumb to wait for him to contact me? I wonder the same thing about Rob because I really want him to want me but it's pretty obvious that he doesn't. He should be emailing or calling me, right? I sent him a nice email, he knows I like him, I shouldn't push it past that, should I? But, if I don't do something, will I just be saying goodbye to someone who doesn't necessarily want to say goodbye to me? And how long do I wait? If this method/theory doesn't work out, when will I know that? Sadly I need to just let it be and see what happens.

This is how it's done now... open the door and step back. If I'm right I will know it and if I'm wrong I will figure it out eventually. This is how I need it to be right now... I will figure it out eventually. I have time.

Also, I applied for another job today! It's as a shopping centre manager!!! How effin' cool would that be, dude? I loved it when I worked at it oh so many years ago. What a challenge that would be! It makes my heart pump a little harder... and that, my friends, is what we're looking for!

???

He totally stood me up! How awesome is that? I have been laughing my ass off for the past hour!