Well, it's been a little while. Things are going well still. I feel that I have lost a little of my momentum, though, and it's time to get it back.

This is so weird, seeing Fabian again. Good weird but weird. We went to lunch today and it was so normal. I don't know how else to describe it. Even he said that Thursday night was weird, too. Two months apart but here we are. So, I did stick to my guns. He wanted to come home with me. But I said no, have to go shopping for a guitar. And I was so proud of myself. He spent lunch staring at me and telling me how good I looked. Finally I just said "I know". I can't explain it but the good stuff inside is showing outside, too. In more ways than he can see. Anyway, he said he was trying to invite himself back home with me but I remembered my promise to myself and I didn't back down. HA! Then, a couple of hours later I called him and invited him over to watch Trailer Park Boys and said if he came early I would have my way with him. And he did. And I did. And it was so good. Awesome sex - never had a problem there, did we?

Looks like I played that right. Well, maybe played is not the right word because I wasn't playing. I totally calmed down. Despite my doubts to the contrary, I think I'm really doing good here.

He called just after 5pm. Said he slept until after 3pm. But whatever. I didn't expect to get an explanation. I did flub once, however. He asked if I was busy tonight and I said yes, babysitting the boys. But when he mentioned a movie, I said well maybe I could do it. When he said no you do what you were doing I thought fuck - why did I say that? But it's done. Don't be silly and pick apart every little thing. Of course, that's my, like, life!

We are meeting at White Spot for lunch tomorrow at 1pm. Meeting. No 'date' here I guess but that's okay. We're going slow or not going at all. I guess only time will tell.

Okay, here's rational Bev again. And I have to write this down before I forget (I'm a little toasted!). Because I have to trust my instincts and know that Fabe is not someone who would maliciously hurt me and because I have recently built up this weird 'self-esteem' thing. I have narrowed it down to two, maybe three, possible explanations.

1. He really just wanted to get laid. [sentence crossed out in original format] Hang on, don't like that one. You know, he could have just been thinking about it and thought, whoa, I'm not really sure that this is a good idea. Which is understandable because I was kind of a freak. Not really that so much as I pushed him farther than he wanted to go. And I do believe that he had feelings for me, then I broke up with him. Or maybe he's just inconsiderate, got a better offer or really didn't make half as much of this as me. That leaves two possible outcomes: either he will call, or he won't. Comes down to that. If he doesn't call, I go on with it. I get on with everything and see who is around the corner someday. If he does call, in five minutes, five hours or five days, I will be my happy-go-lucky self. No explanations, no guilt, no payback. But I go SLOW. If we go out, no sex that day/night. Seriously, Bev, you have to try it. You did it with Craig and Dave and Colin. Say no. Just, let's take it slow. No expectations, let's just see what happens. Can you do that?

The funny thing is... I'm feeling like a total fool right now. So he comes over and fucks me on Thursday night and I believe that he's working on good intentions? But here's Saturday. Supposed to go out to lunch on Saturday. And nothing. Not a sorry, can't make it, not a fuck you, nothing. So what am I supposed to think? How am I supposed to deal with this? I'm trying to be patient. I'm trying to not think the worst. But I really don't know what I'm supposed to think. And I don't know what I'm supposed to do next. So, if he never calls, that's easy. But what if he does? Fucker! Am I that much of an idiot that I would trust someone so much when they are trying to take me for a ride? I really don't know what to do here. And I don't like it. I don't like it at all.

I had an interesting conversation with myself yesterday at the gym. It was about control. I have been controlled my whole life. First by my folks. Not that I'm saying it was wrong; they were strict, not mean, not abusive, just strict. But there's this part of my personality that lets me be controlled. I've spent my life conforming to others. So, if I did not have that side of me when I was a kid, I would have told Gary Winter to fuck off that night. I would have screamed and fought. But I didn't. I laid there and pretended that I was asleep and that started a cycle of fear in me that I am just learning about. If I had fought Gary that night, the night with Dick never would have happened. Countless nights of lying under someone, letting them abuse my body, years of running from some strange faceless man never would have happened! But that's not it. It's the combination of control, low self-esteem and boy craziness that caused it. And being a very sexual person. But it's like I've always needed the control. It made me comfortable. I didn't have to take any chances, someone else was always making the decisions for me. My folks, then I left them and the fear (?) drove me into Karl's arms. For more control. Is the right word fear? I think maybe comfort again. But obviously a part of me didn't want the control. I left Karl. But then I set out to look for someone else to control me, to guide me, to make my life what I wanted it to be. That's an awful lot to ask of someone, isn't it? I'll give you me but I want you to mold me into the person that I want me to be. Who could possibly succeed? Fabe didn't want to try. Maybe that's what makes me love him and fight him so much. Hmmm.

Omigod, omigod! I can't stop smiling! It's really starting to piss me off! Kidding, of course.

Okay, we were online last night and then he called. We talked for two hours almost and when we were getting off the phone he asked if he could come over for a couple of minutes. Of course I said yes. But why? Why would he come over? It was 10pm. And I had been smoking all day, I hadn't had a shower, I had been for my walk. I brushed my teeth and washed my girl's stuff. And he walked in and looked sooooo damn good. Wow! Seriously. Then he said 'hi' and started kissing me. He said 'is this okay?' and my knees were shaking and my heart was pounding and it was soooo okay. We went into the bedroom and it felt so right. It was like two months went away and I melted. And I came. Over and over.

God, don't let it be just sex. I know it wasn't. I know that we are finding our way back to each other. I have to be careful. Keep living the life I've been living, not get into all the emotional and obsessive. But something has changed inside of my during the past couple of months. It feels right. Sigh.

So, emailed Fabe on Monday night. Just asking how his first day at transit went. And I made reference to the 'nook and cranny' comment that he made the last time. And he says 'yeah, the nook and cranny thing was me hitting on you'!!!! How to reply to that?!!!! Of course, I did and we were online for a couple of hours. Nice. Very nice. Let's take it nice and slow and start again from scratch. And have sex, sex, sex. Horny girl!

Man, I am horny today! Had to come home and have a little party for myself at lunch time, if you know what I mean! Of course you do!! :) Dan I miss sex! If Fabe had been anywhere near me this morning, I would have jumped him!

And about Fabe. I keep kicking myself about writing about him all the time. This book is about me and my development and he's a big part of that, no matter what happens. So no more kicking! Play nice.

Okay, so about Fabe! Still want him. I got an inkling that he's thinking about me too. Last night I looked at his profile on MSN. He hadn't updated it in a year - he usually uses the other. Well, it was updated which means he probably logged in to see if I was on. Maybe I'm reading too much into this. But it renewed my hope.

So much up and down with this guy. I keep saying that I want to take things slow and then get so impatient. It was only last week that I had the first contact with him in over a month. I have to win him back by showing him how I've changed. And part of that is actually changing! Not going out of my mind when I don't hear from him. I was so down yesterday. That showed me two things: first, I'm not as far ahead of the game as I want to be. So now is no time to sit back and slide back into my hole. There's still lots of work to do here, Bevie. Don't stop now! Also, the pill wasn't causing jack. Would have been nice to blame something but it wasn't the pill. I was as down yesterday as ever. So I started it up again. Got to be ready in case there's any non-battery sex in my future!

This was a mistake, emailing Fabe. It's too soon. I'm not ready. I feel like I've gone backward a month or more. I miss him like we just broke up. I need to remember this. And get over it. And stop checking that damn computer!

Well, the problem isn't the pill. It's me. I'm sitting here waiting for some contact instead of going about my business and if contact comes, that's good, but it's okay if it doesn't come. Which goes hand in hand with Dr. Gray's 'Get a life' theory. This is why I started hating this place so much. I have so much work to do that I just don't want to look at it. And I should be working right now but I don't want to. I spent most of the morning playing with my hot tub. And I need to rewire my stereo and fix the walls where the curtains were. And do laundry and shopping. And put up some shelves and paint my kitchen. But I feel too guilty to do all those things because I should be working. So work, damn it! Stop bitching about having to do it and do it! It's not going anywhere like this. Crap.

Okay, this wasn't supposed to be a book about Fabian. But I can see that it's becoming one. I guess old habits are really hard to break. They creep up on you when you aren't paying attention.

Anyway, ha, let's bring you up to date. Remember what a rough time I was having on Friday? Wanting to email him and ask him out to lunch? Well, just about as soon as I went to be, he emailed me. Fucker! Getting my hopes up. Yesterday when I woke up I asked him out to lunch after all, to celebrate his new job. 6 or 7 hours later I heard from him saying 'lunch would have been great' blah, blah. And I answered in my fun loving, happy-go-lucky way. Then nothing but a night of staring at the phone and checking my computer. Sound familiar? Been through this before, have you Bevie? Of course I got myself a little wasted and had a pretty fun night with 'Undercover Brother' and I wasn't going to answer the phone if it rang. But I WANTED it to ring! I've never been too good with the whole patience thing. Now I'm ready to give up again.

He has this way of stringing people along. I've seen it when he talked about his other ex's calling him. I've seen it when I was with him. "I'll call you later". That means I won't call you.

So get on with your day, Bevie. And if he calls - that's great and if he doesn't - that has to be okay, too. It's not that any man will BE your life. They are only supposed to accent it. And when you are ready, it will happen. When it's right, it will feel right. It doesn't feel right now. So have a little patience. Wait. Love will come again. I guarantee it!

I almost emailed him today. To ask him out for lunch to celebrate his new job. But no. I'm not ready. Not that I have much of a choice. I'm sure he's seeing someone else by now. It's getting easier, it really is - just sometimes. I don't want to think of him all the time anymore. I don't want to hope and I don't want to hang on to 'someday'. I just want it to be over. Well, ha, it is over. But I want it to be over inside my head. I don't want to hear him in every sad song, feel him in every fantasy. I wonder where he is, if he's thinking about me, if he's happy. I hope he's happy.

Okay, let's see if I have enough arm strength left to write here. Just got back from the gym and did an upper body workout. My arms are almost shaking still! Which is exactly how it's supposed to be. But, yea, too tired. It'll have to wait!

Ah, just got back from the gym. I was supposed to walk tonight but after an hour on the phone with Mom, ate supper at 7pm and by 8:30pm when I felt sufficiently digested to walk, it was too dark so I went to the gym and did 25 minutes on the treadmill. Feels Great!

So, a funny thought occurred to me. Here it is. When I left high school at the tender age of 17, I was about 180lbs (like 178 or something). My heaviest weight was 220lbs or so. (Right now I'm 214) And 3 times in my adult life I have lost about 30 lbs: once when Mom lost her job in 1995, on diet pills in 1998 and with Jenny Craig in 2002. Okay, let's do the math.So from 180 to 220 is 40lbs plus 90lbs lost - I have gained 130lbs in the past 14 years! That's crazy! And lost 90.

I'd like to be 150, 160. That's about 65 to lose (then I could say that I lost 155lbs!!). At 2 per week, 8 per month, that's - crap, where's my calculator? 8 months, give or take. End of April. Hmm.

I always do this thing in my head at the gym. I used to read people's success stories in magazines. You know - "I tried everything and with your program I lost 30 pounds and kept it off for 10 days"!! Ah, yeah, sarcasm. You know what I mean. Anyway, when I get going with exercise I always write my success story in my head. Today's was funny:

'I've been dieting since I was 10 months old. I've tried everything: name calling, bribery, starvation, exercise, bulimia, diet pills, Jenny Craig, dietitians but nothing worked! Then I started seeing a shrink...'

How do you think that would go over? Funny. The funny thing is I'm not dieting. Yes, the experiment. I can eat whatever I want. I just don't really want so much. Of course, I haven't lost any weight, either. Snicker.

Gee, dear diary, sure hope I don't become addicted to you! I've been writing an awful lot! Can't see a problem with that, can you? :)

Well, it turns out that I was going about the Big Sisters thing all wrong. The Langley one is separate from the Vancouver/Surrey/Richmond one. So I just called there and I have my own little orientation meeting tomorrow afternoon. This might make the whole process quicker.

God, I feel like a different person these days. It's soooooo good! I half want a mood swing so I can say it wasn't the pill after all. I don't know what to do for birth control without it. Not that it's a problem these days! But I would like to have sex again!!! I'm determined to stick with my two month experiment. It's early days yet.

Look at me. My plans and wants from the past 5 years or more are coming together. I guess this whole Fabian thing, the relationship and the rock bottom, is going to be a blessing after all. Even if we don't work it out. But, of course, I hope we do some day. It kind of scares me to think of a relationship with him again - with anyone. I don't want to go down the same road again, make the same mistakes. But that's in the future. No matter what happens, it won't be anytime soon. And I will deal with it. I feel like I could deal with anything right now. How cool is that?? :)

Good day! I went to the Langley Players meeting tonight. Chris came with me. It was fun. I always have fun with Chris anyway, he's a funny guy. He's a Rog/Scott type person. Male me. Anyway, the meeting was good. Auditions for this show are over but I'll probably help out behind the scenes on this show and try out for a part in the next one.

I'm also thinking about guitar lessons. They are on Thursdays from 5-6. Which kind of interferes with the swimming lessons. Not interferes exactly. Swimming would be Wednesday nights from 8-9. I don't want to over book. There's another swim class on Sunday at 6:45pm. Maybe that would be better. I'm also going to a Big Sister meeting on Monday. That's kind of a long process to get accepted from what I can tell and they expect 3-5 hours per week. yeah, maybe I should do the Sunday swim. Then it will be over November 30th in time to audition for the play. And if that doesn't work out I can do skating or something. I'm also training to do the Vancouver Sun Run in April I ROCK!

And after the meeting I had an excess of energy so I pulled o my jogs and went to the gym. I did an awesome cardio workout. I must look like an idiot, smiling my ass off, singing to myself. But hey, I'm okay with that!

Anyway, I'm sure that everyone who's reading this is wondering what happened with Fabe. Well, he last emailed last night at midnight. I was in bed already, trying to not think about him (didn't work). I replied this evening at about 9pm but nothing back. Didn't really leave an opening for a reply anyway. And that's okay. The lines of communication are open. And, of course, he could be seeing someone. That's okay, too. I want him to date 20 women and realized that they just don't compare to me! Um? What happened to that self loathing girl we all know and love? God I hope she's gone!

Hmmmm. Well, he emailed back. We've actually been emailing back and forth for about 3 hours now. Just one liners. On the last one he brought up the drunken Friday night call. I told him lots of drinking. Damn that Kirk! Oh, well, my own fault. Let the booze get to me. Actually, Dave Dobbin got to me - made me think of Fabe. As if I needed help. More specifically, Dave made me horny for Fabe. Again, as if I needed help! Anyway, I thought that was that, after the mention of the call. But he emailed again. I'm not reading anything into all of this (HA!). Only, let's see. I'm totally not giving up on my 'get a life' plans. They're actually even more important now. Maybe there's a chance... someday.

Crap. I had better control this. I've finally stopped putting the extra pillow next to me. I haven't thrown up in days. I can orgasm without crying. Go slow, very very slow. He could be seeing someone for all I know. Crap.

Okay, it's all good. Just you chill, missy, just you chill. :)

Okay, I'm sitting here AGAIN having a big fight with myself AGAIN! I want I want I want to email Fabian. Just to send him those pictures that I took of him in his underwear. ARG!!! I promised myself that I wouldn't but I want I want. Not to get back together (HA), just contact. Something. I want. I might be losing the battle. It's because I've been good. mentally, I've been so good. But I'm not there. How long am I going to do this, feel this? Am I going to chase him? No, a nice friendly email... hey send me your co-worker's email addresses, they might be able to use these. Ha, ha! Simple, harmless. ????? He didn't email me back when I sent him those 'friends' emails. But he did email me back when I sent the 'going to Newfoundland' email. Just have a good time and I hope everything is going good. So, what's the big deal? It's not like I'm stalking him. He said he wanted to be friends. This sucks. he thinks I'm mental. And rightly so. But look at me. Look at how hard I'm working! Look how good I'm doing! Doesn't that count for something?

Okay, too late - argument's over - I just sent it. Crap.