God, this is hard. Why do I get so encouraged at night and feel so shitty in the day? I could just put my head down and be by myself for a month.

I DON'T WANT TO BE THIS PERSON ANYMORE!

I feel like I'm drowning and I can't find my way to the surface. Stop! Stop! Fucking STOP! I had my first suicidal thought in a couple of months yesterday. It really caught me off guard. I made myself go to the gym this morning, even though my 'buttock' has been bothering me. I even tried to make myself smile, enjoy myself. What a joke! Spent the rest of the day pissed off and almost crying in the grocery store, pigging out on chips and dip and chocolate, sleeping. I don't want to be this person - I haven't seen her for so long and I don't like her. I have to get rid of her.

Well, then, in light of the date and impending new year, I decided to write a little bit about how I've been getting off track and what I need to do to get back on. I know that life, especially for me during this extremely life altering year, is made up of a kind of two steps forward, one step back and I'm okay with that. I know that the new habits that I form will take a while to stick and it will take some work. A lot of work. And that's why I'm here.

Okay, let's start with what's wrong because I am getting bothered. I'm showing lots of signs and for each one I'm going "is that my depression" "am I okay?" and the more that I've been asking that lately, the more bothered I'm becoming. Because one or two of those things alone will make me stop and think but all of them together just down right scares me. Like what, you say? Exercising less, eating more, not wanting the nights to end because that means that tomorrow will be here soon, burying my head in the sand, not wanting to face my responsiblilites, not knowing how to spell! (that was a joke so I can't be all that bad!), saying "I don't want to" far too often, being late for work, underachieving, feeling the burden of the world on my shoulders, can I stop now? This is getting depressing!

But this is the part that I wanted to get to. How will I fix it and get back on track? The obvious, eat better and get more exercise? The exercise part is rough because I haven't backed off it willingly. The ole tennis buttock is acting up. But I'm sure I could still manage some stretches and slow walking. I don't have to give in all together just because I can't do as much as I want. The eating is just a matter of getting the bad food out over here and getting more of the good stuff in. I've been slipping back into not wanting salads, cleaning off my plate, late night snacking, etc. And what I have to do is go back into training mode, keep a food journal for a while, have fruit when I want something sweet, leave a bit on my plate always, get used to not eating just because it's there.

Hellew me! Been sitting on the couch all day today. Had fun - Fabe and I have just been hanging out and watching DVEDs but I feel that it's time to get off my ass again.

Doing the whole New Year's thinking again, I guess. My weight loss has been good - about 32 pounds in 8 months but I feel like I'm stuck on a plateau and it's time to shove off.

It goes something like this:

"Fabian,

I have really enjoyed spending time with you over the past couple of months. It feels different this time. I am such a different person emotionally now and I appreciate you giving me the time and space that I needed to adjust.

This is not one of my old break-up letters. I still want to see you and only you but I feel that we are moving toward repeating old mistakes and I don't want to do that. I think that each time we have stopped and started seeing each other we have missed an important step. We have never really dated. We seem to deal in all or nothing, practically living together or not speaking at all. I realize that I am the main reason for that, I placed a lot of demands on you early on, but his is important to me and it would mean a lot.

So, can we move back a step? Can we slow down and just date for a while?

I'm frustrating myself trying to find a way to explain what I mean and I don't want to set up a bunch of rules and guidelines here. Simply put, I want to go out with you sometimes. Nothing fancy... a walk on a sunny afternoon, a meal, a movie, a drive to the mountains, whatever. Even just playing your video games for an hour or two or listening to your radio shows by the fire sometimes. (And, by the way, my biggest unrealized dream is to be given flowers for no reason at all... hint, hint!) I want it to not be assumed that you will come over every day or that you will sleep over every night. I want us both to be able to say "no, not tonight" sometimes and not have it turn into some big deal. I want to have fun with you for a while and not get into all of that emotional stuff that comes with a deeper relationship yet.

I like the way things have been between us this time and I feel silly trying to fix something that really isn't broken. When I emailed you (for sex!) in October, I honestly didn't expect this all to start up again. I'm glad that it has and I like having you in my life but things are moving too fast again. And (roll your eyes if you must) I feel that I need to back up a bit before I go forward."

But this is all probably never going to be said, after all the sniffing and snotting. A little PMS emotion going on here lately. And maybe he didn't call today because he was put out by the whole 'you rejected me so now I'm going to reject you' weirdness last night. Or maybe he just had a rough day. Either way, it's okay. I'll get my feeling across somehow. I don't need to send him a big, long blubbering letter. I need to learn how to talk to him and let my feelings out instead of always, of course you can come over, of course you can stay all night. He's still dealing with the old me in a lot of ways and getting to know the new me will be a process. And maybe it will end and maybe it won't. I'm just not going to worry about that right now. I'm just going to enjoy myself and let the chips fall where they may.

Ow, my hand hurts! Ow, I should be asleep like four fricken hours ago!!

Yep, still here. I just tried the letter. It feels silly asking a man that seems to practically live here sometimes to date me. I guess I can just feel him rolling his eyes or making some snarky mark about women.

And so what, really. We are emotional. We do need definitive moments in our lives. We do need someone to make us feel special. Is that wrong? And right now, at this point when I think of any kind of future with Fabian, into my head pops "But I've never had someone give me flowers. And I want that, I need that. I require that. I won't live my life without that." If he doesn't offer it then I have to get it from somewhere else. Which means not being with Fabian, which means if I want to be with him then I need to get it from him or not at all.

And then the old - so do I want to be with someone that just doesn't get it? Who's going to be so much work? Or is any man going to be any different? Sigh. Being alone is much easier. Maybe I should just go stock up on batteries and call it a day!!

This is so funny... I feel like I'm studying. I read some of the book, put it down, write some notes, review previous parts of the book. Funny - but I'm learning. Maybe eventually I'll pass this course. Just need to keep taking the test.

Okay so maybe I should start dealing with this backing up thing by writing him a letter. Not to give to him but to get my thoughts in order for when I do approach the subject.

I'm so funny now (did I not mention that 1000 times?). He didn't call tonight and that's odd because he's been calling everyday, all day. So, instead of getting into what could be wrong, what did I do wrong, does he want someone else, I should call him to make sure he knows I care, muther fucker what is his problem, muther fucker how dare he, blah, blah, blah, I'm all hmmmm. Okay. That's all - no freak out! I'm normal! I'm mentally stable! I love me!!

Well then! It's been over a month since I wrote in here. Still seeing Fabe. Still going well, too, for the most part. Still reading these self help books that would drive him crazy but they are making a huge difference.

I read "He's Just Not That into You" or something along those lines. It was really interesting because it was written by a man. And the main lesson is if he's into you, nothing will stop him from being with you. Not past relationships, not crappy childhoods, not issues with mother. And I guess what it made me realize is that I was spending all of my time making excuses for Fabe's behavior instead of realizing that I (we) were just moving too fast in the beginning and it was causing us to hit a wall and come to a dead stop.

So now I'm reading another "Mars & Venus" book called "Mars & Venus On a Date". I found the first to be really helpful in understanding the male/female psyche but it wasn't telling me what I needed to know for the start of a relationship. This one really has. For one thing, I give way too much away too soon. I never let Fabian (or anyone else) chase me. I jumped right in to trying to be everything for them right away. I remember one point when I was really pissed off about having to not show my true self. I said I would do the same thing for any guest, make sure they had a toothbrush, cook meals, etc so why the hell do I have to pretend to be something I'm not because men took it the wrong way? Well, our Dr. Gray simply says - yes. You have to not put it all out there right away. That's it, too bad. What I didn't consider, I guess, was that my intentions didn't necessarily come through as I meant them. I have to consider less of what I mean and more of what they see.

He also talks about the five stages of dating... let's see if I can remember them: 1. attraction, 2. uncertainty, 3. exclusivity, 4. intimacy and 5. engagement. So, Fabe and I go from attraction to intimacy, I then assume exclusivity, then uncertainty then break up, go back to intimacy and start the cycle again. We've never really dated. We didn't go through the point where he is supposed to pursue me. And I guess I've always had a bit of a problem with that. I guess I've always had this thing where I don't need a man. I can take care of myself so I never let him pay for our dates and hold open the door for me, blah, blah. Apparently that's an important step fro a man. Who knew?

Things have been going really well and he's really making more of an effort now that I am not making myself so available but I still feel that we've skipped something. And obviously it's something that I really feel that I need because it's always a big part of why I break up with him. And maybe to avoid the old process again we should go back a bit. It's the courting part. The dating. We always skip that. I know he'll think I'm silly and I know that it will be hard but I'm already feeling the pressure of him being here too much and taking too much liberty with my home and my things.

The other day he was here when I wasn't. For a while. And, honestly, it bothered me because this is my space. Then I started thinking that, well, I gave him the key and it's not really right to put restrictions on that but is that how I really feel or is it easier to suppress my feelings than confront the issue? And there was a week or so that he was here constantly and it was really getting to be a bit much (so, you see? sometimes he does move faster than me!) He has backed off of that, though. I really should talk to him about the dating thing, though. How the hell am I supposed to do that??

Weight 194 (total lost 31 lbs)