The Conversation

I had this great idea to photoshop a pic with Sheena and David Bowie to put on a t-shirt for her birthday... but that program is harsh and I couldn't figure it out so I asked for help. He says don't worry about it, I will do it for you and then he said that I should call him to discuss... I deleted the email and hotmail dropped it but this is the conversation that followed...

Me: Thanks a lot... I appreciate your help because I am really excited about this gift but it's much harder than I thought it would be! You made it look so damn easy! So, Sheena is a crazy David Bowie fan and I thought that it would be neat to put her in a pic with him and put it on a t-shirt (I already talked to the people at Dog's Ear and it's surprisingly easy... once you have the pic!). I scanned a picture of Sheena hanging on to a guy like a fool and then I went online and found a David Bowie pic that I think will fit good. I just want David's head where the other guy's head is. What do you think? Simple? Impossible? Somewhere in between??

He: I'll do your idea and try a cpl of my own,what size were you thinking?My pc is running a cleaning utility right now so I will have to wait till it is finished but I'll do it.

Me: I don't know about the size... it will be going on the front of a t-shirt... 5x7 I guess because it's in the landscape layout... the Dog's Ear chick said to just print it onto a piece of paper and they could transfer it onto the shirt... they will crop it, too, if neccessary. How are you liking your new place? All settled in yet?

He: I did a quick one for you.....a few mistakes still in it but will work on it
tomorow after work.

He: A phone call would have been easier! I am loving my own space,should have done it a long time ago.i do miss kirk,chewy and the kids but I get out to langley every week so its an adjustment.I am really liking the 10 mion walk to work....who knew? So I will ask....how are things with you? You moved? Married yet?

Me: OMG... that's awesome! It looks so good! She's gonna flip!!!
Yes, a phone call would have been easier... but I don't think Ian would appreciate walking in and hearing me giggling on the phone with you... he knows our history and he knows how I feel about you. I want to keep in touch with you but I would never want to make him doubt me. I'm glad you are liking your own place... you said you were moving to Burnaby... are you working from the depot there now? We moved in last fall... not married but I expect it will probably happen at some point. Who knows what life has in store? I could get hit by a bus tomorrow! :-)

He: Enough said!I do wish all the best for you Bev.
P.S you won't get hit by a bus......as long as you have started paying attention
to the road!....just kidding.

And that's it! Is he going to finish the pic? Was he going to do it because he thought that I would blow him off or something? And now he's not because he knows that's not going to happen? Should I call him? Do I want to call him? Do I fucking care? Arg!

EPILOGUE: I called him last night... first time we spoke in more than a year. I was weird but oddly comfortable. He said that he will finish the pic... no email yet today but I guess I should be patient.

EPI-EPILOGUE: Yep, still nothing. Whatever. I used the messed up one and got exactly the reaction that I wanted - she loved it. I sent him an email and said thanks, it was a success. This is what he sent back...

He: Your welcome Bev,and I have to say it was nice to be able to chat with you
again.Say thanks to Ian for being decent about it,its nice of him.There arent a
lot of people that I get to have a decent gab with.

And that's why I have a new he. Mofo.

Muther father!

Mother fucker mother fucker mother fucker is what I really want to say. Godamnit! Is this never going to end? I'm sitting here and I just don't want to do any work. I blamed it on Facebook for the last couple of weeks/months but I don't want to look at Facebook anymore, either. I'm still teetering... on the edge... I think that I have control of it but whatthefuck? Rationally, I know that the pills keep me from jumping off the edge... that whole Claritan thing showed me life without them again. But I'm not doing anything for myself this way. But that's all I want to do... I want to sit on the couch and smoke dope and eat crap then I want to go to bed and get up and do it again. Is this what I'm looking for in my life? I'm hating the mirror again, I'm fat fat fat (seems as long as I don't go past my heaviest I think that it's okay to keep eating like I do), I don't want to work, I don't want to go out, I don't want to walk. I have a bad case of the Idontwannas and it's time for it to stop. Tomorrow. Maybe next Monday. Mother fucker.

Ah, my good friend... blahg!

I'm back and I'm me again. I had a serious crash... down for a couple of days. I was right... I was right. Stupid Claritan... won't interact, my aunt fanny! Well it did so I stopped taking them and I feel like me again. And that's sooooo nice. All in all, I think that was probably a good experience... it's good to go back to where you came from to realize where you are. I can't believe that I lived like that for all of those years.