So, if the silver lining of the horse accident was that it made me hit rock bottom and straighten my life out, then maybe the silver lining in this one is that it will bring Fabian back to me. Or at least take me off his black-ball list and open a window.

He called yesterday. Of course, I have us walking down the aisle (so to speak! so to speak!) and he wouldn't talk about anything but the accident. But, like a said, a window.

And here's another interesting thing that I've been thinking about. I honestly had no idea that I had so many issues with my mother but a new one came to light yesterday.

I called to tell her about the accident. I'm talking away and I could tell she was barely listening. And then she's like "well I should go and cook breakfast for your father". I spent the whole night waiting for it to be a time that I could call home and that's what I get. About 10 minutes of her distracted conversation and then nothing. And I could say well, really, the accident wasn't that bad. No one was seriously injured and yes, we were very lucky that it turned out as it did. But she always does this. She always has. Even, I remember when Dave and I had the bike accident, a few days later I had a lot of back pain and I could barely breathe. I was so scared. But she said to dad 'you take her to the emergency room because I'm cooking supper.

I remember when I was younger, before Debra and I would be so excited about something and waiting all day for her to finally come home from work and when she did I would run and greet her at the door and she'd tell me to leave her alone for a while. I knew she worked hard and was tired but I was a little kid! And things like that happened often. I started doing everything I could to make her happy, to make her life easier. Obviously I was a kid and not an angel but all the babysitting and housework. And if I didn't want to, she'd just start in on the guilt trip. And when I would go to her for a hug - I was near suicidal as a teenager for christ sake - she always ALWAYS pulled away first, before I was ready. No wonder I have spent my adult years wanting to reach out for a hug but never doing so. And the couple of times that Fabian make me stay and cry. I pulled away first. Not because I was ready to but because I felt like I was - I don't know - inconveniencing him or something.

And yesterday was the first time that I really thought 'you know, that hurt me and it's always hurt me'. I feel myself reaching out to her less and less. And less. I won't talk to her about it at all because she'll pull a Verlie Winter and I really have no time or patience for that. She has gone from the being my world to being my irriation. And that's sad. But what's really sad is that I don't even care anymore. And I mean it's really sad for her because she's losing me.