Lost and found

What's new? Are you sitting down? Not that there's anything exceptionally exciting or tragic but... well, I tend to go on and on. And on. And... okay, I've made my point.

So, what is new? I went to Mexico! My first 'vacation' since I went to Florida when I was eight. Stacey and I had been talking about going away for years - we even opened a bank account to save some money one year... and closed it a few months later. Anyway, we did it, it was wonderful. It was pretty cool! There were four pools and we were right on the ocean. The sand is more fine than table salt! (Do you understand that I come from a place called "the rock"?? There's no sand. There is rock.) We lazed around by the water all day - Stacey chasing the sun, me hiding from it. Stacey never burns and she got a burn on her back while wearing SPF 30 sun block in Mexico! I burn in frickin' Alaska.

The hotel was pretty cool. We were on the 10th floor so there was a lot of elevators going on. I actually walked up the stairs 4.5 times - the first time I only made it to the fourth floor! (the first time I was wheezing for my inhaler, the second time I took my inhaler too soon (you are supposed to huff at least 15 minutes before exercising and I took a huff about one minute before I started so it didn't really help), the third time I took my inhaler wrong and sucked it into my stomach again (it raises your blood pressure because it is stimulating your whatever or some such shit - ask my sister, she's the pharmacist!) and the last time I walked up those stairs I barely even breathed heavy (for someone who's body reacts so quickly and dramatically to exercise and good diet, I really do lead a life style on the shit end of the stick sometimes!!). Anyway. Does any of that make sense? I'm stoned again. (don't get me started!)

So, Mexico. We had an amazing view of the Caribbean ocean from our veranda. Two queen sized beds pushed together. I asked Stacey for the bed on the right side because I sleep facing that way and it's the only way I can disguise my little problem (I don't know you well enough to tell you about that one! If I'm hiding it from Stacey, I'm certainly not telling the world!). I was also closest to the bathroom (which was really good since I spent the first night there barfing my guts out!). The mini bar was refilled daily with pop and water and beer, and everything was free (well, perhaps I should say 'included'!).

It was kind of funny, living with Stacey like that. Man, I love her but we are d-i-f-f-e-r-e-n-t! Holy shit. Now I see why she thinks I'm anal and a clean freak. She's a slob. I was even tiding her stuff every day. But, perhaps I shouldn't say a slob because she is actually just like about 85% of most people that I know - I am the odd man out in this equation. But she just leaves a mess in her wake. We got along pretty good. I had some time by myself (which you will hear about next) but I enjoyed being with her. Like she was almost my practise for a man - starting small, without the added pressure of it being a guy and romantic feelings (in my world they are called insecurities... romance = insecure).

As far as I can see, I have two areas of problems with men - getting them and keeping them. A few have fallen through the cracks in the getting them department but they all fell through in the keeping them part. I have learned that I project a different image of who I am than who I actually am. Hmmm, confused? People see me differently than I see myself. The person that people see isn't actually me. I'm getting closer but I still don't think I look like the person that I am; although I do still feel that it will happen in time. So the 'getting' them part is a work in progress. I also think that the revelations and changes of last year are still settling in (actually, sometimes I lose them, veer off track and I would like to get into that if my fingers can handle it!) so I am wondering how I will do next time in the keeping them department. I used my Stacey as kind of a test in dealing with someone else in that scenario (trust me, it hasn't been pretty in the past) but it was also different. I know she loves me, I don't doubt that she is there for me, she is interested in me, she doesn't have the power to go screw someone else and fuck up my life, she doesn't have a penis and therefore I am myself when she is around. (I'm learning, I'm learning! I will learn to be me around the penises soon, I hope! Like. Real. Soon. I. HOPE.)

I wasn't bitchy. I wasn't rude. Or inconsiderate (well, when I was at least I realized it and acknowledged it). And when she was inconsiderate I took it in stride. We didn't squabble or drive each other up the wall at all. I am looking for Stacey with male parts as my life partner. I love that woman. She is irritating sometimes and I think that even makes her better! Because I am irritating sometimes, too! And that's okay. We had a lot of fun! We learned to barter and we went on a club-crawl. Stacey went on a day long outing to see the Mayan Ruins but I stayed in bed that day. I would tell you why but I am fading fast. Maybe more later.

Update

Well, I haven't been writing much in here lately. I admit - I have moved on, I am with another. I started a career blog to - hopefully - give people a chance to see a bit of my personality. Trying to get someone to look at my stupid resume. I have barely had a call! But, as is my way, I just try something different with the confidence that I will hit the nail on the head eventually. In the mean time, I'm soaking up all of the information that I can get. I'm in training to find a job.

I have been trying and trying to get a job at one of these seniors places. It sounds like so, so, so, so much what I want to do. And, since I haven't been getting any interest, I bought a book about resumes, totally changed what I had from the reverse chronological format to the functional format. And let me tell you - I put the fun in functional! (Not really, I just thought that would be funny to say!!)

Anyway, fingers crossed and all that. If that doesn't work out, I am going to take some courses and a local business school and get some kind of certificate. Just something to have on paper. I wonder if... I used to think that it was the lack of schooling that has been holding me back but now I wonder if it was my resume. Before, the first thing they would see is that I used to manage a ladder business. Not very similar to working with seniors, huh? [Ha! I guess Tom was WRONG! A shorter resume didn't do the trick. But at least I tried it - I'm a little bitter toward Tom right now, but that's another story.]

With the functional format, I put all of my experience first and my work history after that. I am pretty impressed with how it turned out. I said on my cover letter that I wanted to working in business management, property management, public relations and marketing - "but how do you choose one when you want to do it all?" You don't. You get a job with them because it has aspects of all of those jobs and you get to work with people. Then my experience was divided into each of those jobs/roles and I explained what I had accomplished in each field. Then I put a "Going the Extra Mile" section and put a few things that I had done above and beyond.

I'm really excited about it. There is a wee voice in the back of my head that says they might still not call you but you know what I say to that voice? I say, but they might call. And, if they don't, I will do what I have to do until they call or I will move on to something else. Hmmmm. When was I talking just like this before? I almost do it naturally now. People keep saying how positive I am but I somehow feel that, in the long run, most people get irritated by it a bit. I don't know, it just seems like they get sick of the positive talk quick. But that's okay. These days I seem to pick up on the signal and change the subject. I like new me! I think I'm swell!

I put my condo up for sale today. It's not the best time because the market is tanking but it is the best time for me. I feel good about it; it's the right thing for me to do right now. I can't afford it and, even if I could, I know now that it's silly to shell out this much money every month when I can get by on so much less. I think this has been a good financial lesson for me. Now hopefully I can sell this place or find a job so I can put that good financial lesson to the test.

Omigod! How exciting would it be if I got this job???? I am seriously loving the idea of it. I think I would be good at it. I really do. If I don't get it, I plan to find some job in hotel admin to get some experience and something to do while I am working on my degree. And then I will go back and try again. Or I will move on. I think I already said this but that's okay. Stacey brought over a little treat.

So, summary: want the job, condo up for sale, can't wait to move, excited to get going, leaving for Mexico in a couple of days! Whoot! I'm very excited to be finally taking this trip. It's gonna be wicket! And then I will come back and I will start school or I will find a job and a new home and a new car and then I will start school. Muther father I hope I get a shot at that AGM position!! Just let me get my foot in the door - then I'll rule the place!

Horoscope

Scorpio
October 23 - November 21
Whatever you want, dear Scorpio, you need only ask for it and there is a good chance you will get it. And it's about time, too. It seems you have been working exceptionally hard lately. You are certainly due for a raise, if not a promotion. Gather your thoughts, collect your supporting evidence and ask for what you deserve. If your yen for more public recognition is nagging at you, then take steps today to ensure that you get more time in the spotlight.


*** I'd like a new job, please. ***

I hereby declare today...

THINKING DAY!

Ian & Daisy just left. (pssst... we smoked a dooby! tee hee!) (oh, and, I LOVE THAT DOG!) Debra called while he was here and left a message that she wants to talk about Dad's big trip to Ireland next year. I didn't call her back. I was supposed to call Mom back last night but got so caught up in the cover letter I was writing that it was too late by the time I thought about it. I intended to call her tonight instead but I won't. I have also decided that I won't answer the phone if it rings tonight... I'm going incognito! But it's DEBRA! was my first thought. Good god, have I ever willingly in my whole life not taken a call from Debra? I highly doubt it. And, instead of feeling guilty, I decided that there is nothing wrong with a day off every now and then. It sounds pretty shittin' funny that I want a day off from doing nothing when I have spent so much time bawling my ass off because I was so lonely!! But this is how I feel and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. I know if there was some problem or emergency I would be there for whomever needed me but... I guess I need me tonight. Ian brought the party favours and graciously left two hours later.

Okay, if I'm totally honest, I don't want anyone to know that I smoked pot today. I don't know why - I just don't. For the same reason I never admit to that very last cigarette that I had in October, after I quit smoking in August. August 7th is still my quit date... the fact that I had one months later was not smoking as much as it was the final step in quiting. Perhaps that's what this is. Then again, that 'one last piece of chocolate' and the fact that Mondays apparently have never existed in my world until now tells me to tread cautiously. I'm not playing with this. I don't think it was some big addiction scenario but I promised myself that if something was interfering with my life and the things that I feel I need to be happy, it has to go. End of story. I'm not saying I will never forgive myself for a relapse. Quite the opposite, actually... I will not only forgive a rare relapse, I will accept it for what it is and not let the guilt at letting myself down YET AGAIN!

I make my choices and I live with them. That's the way I need to live. Everyone else has been telling me my whole life that what I do is wrong. I don't care anymore. I have to do what is right for me. Poor Ian. The reason he was here for so long was because he was so devastated when I told him that I am considering selling my condo. It was killing him. He went over it and over it and I could tell that he couldn't let it go but I was patient and I said that I realize it is not what you would do but I have to do what's right for me. This is what I need and it will make me happy. Just like quiting my job. I understand that it was killing people but I will make my decisions and I will make my mistakes and I will learn from them and I will continue on my path because I am happy. I am different now. This is who I always was but I can handle it now. I accept that I am different and, although it sometimes causes me great IMMENSE pain, it is who I am and it is how I need to live my life. And I am proud of it! This is a part of what people like about me... I was just never able to let them see it. I had to have a nervous breakdown before I would allow myself the time that I need to just be. I still need this time... but I also need to let myself need this time. Without guilt, without resentment, without pain. Just be.

The escalation of this is no different than any other time. The gazzillions of times that I have encountered the roller coaster way of life that I have going for me. This way I have of understanding that something just isn't wrong and, perhaps for the very first time, allowing it to happen naturally. I didn't need to eat, I didn't smoke drugs, I didn't get drunk, I didn't have sex with a stranger... I just accepted it and let it happen. Holy shit, dude... holy fucking shit.

I am living this, mutherfucker! Go me! Muthafeking high five bitch! I'm taking the day off of frekin celebrate!

Say it ain't so

Could that horoscope be true? I feel like I'm getting myself all worked up but, in doing so, am I just doing the old self-fulfilling prophecy crap again? Half of me is temped to start up the pot again because at least then I wouldn't be sitting around crying my ass off constantly but that was a convenient excuse, wasn't it? I was stoned so I wasn't doing the things that I should have been doing. But now I'm not stoned and I'm still not doing those things. Even worse, I'm not doing those things and I'm freaking out about it. I know I'm not giving this my all. Especially the eating/exercising lately. I certainly am beating myself up about it, though.

This is so hard. I know I will come out better on the other end. I know that I have to go through the bad stuff to get to the good stuff. I know that if I don't work for it I won't appreciate it as much. I sure could go for some easy right now, though.

And, you know, the hardest part is, again, being alone all the time. That's where I get all worked up, discouraged, down on myself. I know that being around other people will make a big difference. And I have tried, I've been in contact with a lot of people, I've put myself out there time and time again. My confidence is dwindling away these days and, if it's mainly because I am so lonely, what can I do about it? Right now. Today. Tomorrow. Next week.

Right now I can be active. I haven't exercised or really done anything that didn't involve having the couch strapped to my ass since Monday. I can hop on my stationary bike. I can practise playing the piano. I can pull out my DDR and jump up and down. Clean the kitchen. Clean the bathroom. Work on my resume. Apply for more jobs. Kiss ass on the ones that I really want.

Today I can go to that Langley Players audition, as scary as that idea is now that the time is here. I would love to do that again - be in a play like in high school. In high school I felt that I totally crapped out in the end and let my insecurities mess with my performance. Am I going to do that again? What if I go there and audition and they say no. Can I take more fucking rejection right now? But what if they say yes? But what if they say no. Where did that fearless, challenge confronting, confident, happy version of me go? Squashed like a bug. But who did the squashing?

Tomorrow I can get a dog. That's what I've been wanting so badly forever, isn't it? But I look outside at the rain and... fuck. I look outside and inside and I make excuses. Always excuses. It just kills me to make a commitment, doesn't it? I hate the idea of not everything being peachy keen so I don't do it at all and sit here and be miserable. Of course, at this point, I have to say that a dog just isn't a good idea. I don't have any money and I don't know where I am going to find some. There is a distinct possibility that I will be challenged to find a way to feed myself soon... how can I feed a dog, too? Yes, I do have to wait on that. Not because I'm making excuses but because this isn't the right time. I don't know where my life is going. It wouldn't be fair, to me or to the dog. Okay, I am comfortable putting that aside for right now.

So I still need to find a way to get some company. And soon. The play? Oh. Could I really do it? I honestly don't know, right now I honestly don't know.

Horoscope

Scorpio
October 23 - November 21
You may feel a bit of disappointment today, dear Scorpio. You might tend to view whatever snags you've hit on the path to accomplishing your goals as personal failures, and if you let it, this idea could persist with you throughout the day. Try to remain objective, and don't lose sight of the big picture. You haven't even lost a battle - at worst, it's a minor skirmish! Chances are that if you continue working hard you'll still win the war!

Bored and lonely... mainly just lonely

My god, I am so lonely. It doesn't seem to matter what I do... I can't find a way to stop it. I try and I try and I try and I fail and I fail and I fail. I thought I found all the answers. I thought I knew. I thought it was going to be different now. But it's not. It's the same. It's worse. Maybe I should go back on the pot... at least then I didn't care.

Bored and lonely

I went to the casino with Rob tonight. I looked hot... or I guess about as good as I get. And that question was answered. And the answer was no thanks. I didn't have a terribly good time with him anyway. I so need to get laid. I'm so sick of being alone. I need something to happen. And soon.

Merry frickin' b-day

Am I going to cry all day? 37 today... it's been a long year... one that I would really, really like to classify as highly successful and I am confident that one day I will look back at this time and know it was a wonderful thing that I did for myself but today? Is hard.

Birthday calls... fond wishes from family and friends... no, I still don't have a job... nope, no man yet... no money, still fat, stressed to the max... but put on a happy face and say the same thing over and over and over... maybe I'll unplug the phone.

And, yet, I am so lucky. So many people care about me, support me... more than I ever realized. All I had to do was open myself up to it. I feel like a terrible disappointment. Fuck. Every time I start to build myself up and think of the good, the bad smacks me in the fucking face. But these days I say to myself: it's okay, let it out, no one expects you to be half as perfect as you do, small doses of emotion are so much healthier than the extreme outbursts of days gone by.

Sigh. Chin up, Bevie, chin up. Next year you will read this with a smile, knowing that everything worked out for the best. (I hope!!!!)

You win some, you lose some (I'm going to put this down as a win)

hi bev,
thanks for your email..friends it is...now i know where your coming from..and i don't have any regrets meeting you..i really just keep to myself..friends bug me to come out and i just don't...i would rather just hang with my son.but tomorrow i guess i'm going to the foot ball game..they have a bunch of tickets..it should be fun..but you know i would rather stay home...are ya interested in watching nathan for two or three hours till his sister comes over to watch him?????if you do i'll buy ya a drink next weekend at the casino(he goes to his moms).or if ya don't i'll still buy you one...

Rinse and repeat

I wrote this email to Rob after my last post. But before I copy it here, I want to comment on the old journal and old habits. I am on October 2005 in my transposition and every day I am boo hooing about the Fabe and I kept sending him emails!! I honestly don't feel that this is the same situation but I also want to make sure that it doesn't get too similar. I will see if Rob reacts to this email and, if he doesn't, I won't contact him again... poor fella!!!

"Hi Rob:

I expect that you are quite possibly in the early stages of regretting that you ever heard of me but, before that happens, I am going to push my luck just one more time! I will thank you in advance for reading this, thinking about it and coming to terms with what I am going to tell you... hopefully in a good way but... well, I guess we will have to just wait and see.

To put it bluntly, I like you... but I feel that you may be misreading my intentions so I want to clarify a few things. I think we have already established that there are no romantic feelings between us and, in case you haven't already deduced this on your own, I want you to know that I am totally cool with that. There are plenty of fish in the sea and on the web so that is really not a factor in my communications with you anymore and, honestly, hasn't been an issue for quite some time. However, I have always had male friends (and I really like having male friends... because girls can be so irritating sometimes!! tee hee!) and one common factor in all of these relationships has been a long, drawn out period of overcoming the hurdle of the boy/girl stuff. So, I guess I am trying to jump that hurdle at warp speed by telling you that when I comment on things that we could do together, like playing Rock Band or watching a hockey game, I am not inferring or hinting that these are date things. You are a man and I am a woman but we are also just people and, as people, I simply like knowing you and hanging out with you - and Nathan, too. (you're funny and you're fun and you PLAY... do you realize how rare that is??). I am not trying to win you over with cookies or video games, I am just being myself in the only way I can.

So there. That's all. I just hate awkwardness. I hate thinking that I shouldn't say certain things because you think that I am hitting on you. It's totally cool if you didn't reply to my last emails because you are busy or indifferent or even because you just plain didn't want to. Totally cool. Trust me. I like you but (no offence!!) I can live without you. (shit, that's terrible but I didn't know how else to put it!!!). Just... if you don't want to hang out with me, that's totally your decision and totally, totally okay... but if you do want to be my friend but have hesitated because you think that I am looking for more, I simply want to assure you that I'm not. You are fun, I am fun, we have fun together... it's that simple.

Okay, that's all I wanted to say. I'm glad I got that off my chest. I never claimed to be shy but I am not always this abrupt either... I just don't know how else I am going to touch a frog again!!!!!! And I want to go zip-lining soon and, if you play your cards right, I just might invite you to come, too!

Cheers, friend"

Here's what's going on today

I love you. Did I mention that before? Man, the freedom that this blog has given me is like nothing I have ever experienced. Of course, I am different now... able to be more open and express myself but a lot of that is because I can pull out my keyboard at any given moment and work out whatever happens to be boggling my mind. So thank you. How silly, thanking an inanimate object but that's okay... I'm silly. *grin*

Okay, so there are three things that I want to talk about. Firstly, as this is of immediate importance, I hate food. I know I have always had a love/hate relationship with food but today it's mostly just hate. And not because I want what I can't have but because I don't want. I don't want to eat. I have no appetite. I had a bowl of cereal this morning because I had to stop the growling and that is the only morsel of food that has entered my body today. And I know that this is a big stumbling block in my weight-loss efforts. When this happened in the olden days, I would eat junk. I only ate junk because I had no interest in good food - if I could order it or run out and get it in five minutes or make it in ten, I would eat it. Otherwise, no thank you very much. But now these pictures are ingrained into my brain and I don't want the junk either so now I have nothing. I'm munching on an apple to try and use Ian's trick of making me eat something small so that I could get an appetite for something big... it usually works so we'll see. I need food for fuel because when I don't eat, I don't exercise and I my body will start freaking out and holding on to the fat tighter as it foresees starvation mode. Picking here and there isn't enough... and right now I would normally pick up the phone and call the local pizza joint but now that is no longer an option either. Fatty.

Judy from Big Sisters just left... we had our second meeting here - the "home visit". We had a good talk and the last hour or so was mostly her talking about her frustrations with recent problems in the organization and her impending retirement. (Basically her replacement isn't working out and she has not been able to effectively communicate the issues with the board of directors that make all of those decisions) I lost count of how many times she said that she had told me more than she should have, that it was inappropriate to discuss these things. And, yes, it is in general I guess but I have always drawn people out in this way and I assured her that the things I told her would go no further than my ears - perhaps I should have mentioned my blog! Anyway, I guess my point is that I like the fact that I draw people out in this way. I am glad that there is something about my personality that makes people trust and confide in me. It renews my faith in the path that I have been travelling.

And my third topic - surprise, surprise - is Rob. Somewhere during my conversation with Judy, I decided to email Rob and put it all out on the line. Not the crush, although I am sure that's what you are expecting. No, I want to tell him that I'm totally cool with things not going in that direction and I would still like to be friends and not feel like I am making him uncomfortable when I ask him to do things. A little, teeny thought that goes something like "should I??" pops up but the answer is yes! I won't be any further behind than I am right now and I like him... I like him as a person and that shouldn't be pushed aside just because I'm a girl and he's a boy! So, I'm gonna. I think. I will. Maybe...

S-e-x

I need to get laid, I need to be touched. It hurts... I need it so bad it actually hurts. Just now I was fantasizing about asking Fabian if he would be up for a one-nighter. Not a fuck and leave but good sex... romantic sex... foreplay... kissing... touching... his penis in my mouth. Fuck. Writing this is not helping AT ALL!!!!

Still

OMG... I still have a HUGE crush on Rob. Just in case you were wondering. ;-)

Big Sister

I had my interview with the Big Brothers/Big Sisters people today... Judy. It was supposed to last for 2 hours... after three and a half we still weren't finished! Next she comes here on Wednesday and then I get matched. They are trying to start a new program with foster children that I am really interested in but she isn't sure if it's going to fly yet. Either way, I'm glad that I am finally doing this after all this time. I have been wanting to volunteer since I moved out here.

The meeting made me wonder... why is it that every time I go to this type of thing, people are in awe or so amazed at how wonderful I am and yet I can't find a man or a fucking job? I thought that maybe it would be better if employers and men can meet me face to face because that usually seems to make a difference. I guess that's why I think that my weight is such a big issue for the dating sites but it wasn't sitting right with me. Yes, yes, I'm fat, whatever... that doesn't mean that no one will contact me. They have contacted me before but not lately so what's different?

Well, the theory that I came up with - and am currently testing - is this: perhaps I was trying too hard. All that mumbo-jumbo on my profile isn't helping... men are visual and don't really care about all that deep down stuff until later... all it was doing was turning them off or scaring them away. I started thinking that perhaps I got it backward again... I was putting too much effort into my profile but not enough effort into my job applications.

The first part of the theory is already in progress: I simply changed my profile to "This easy-going Newfie gal is looking for a funny and adventurous guy who loves kids and dogs. Sound like you? Drop me a note and say hi..." and I have already received two emails and one favourite in the half hour since I changed it! Sonofabitch, dude! Now I think I will start scouring through the boy profiles and sending notes to the ones that I like. Rejection is my middle name - I can take it like nobody's business so why not, right?

As for the jobs, tomorrow I am going to start applying for a couple of jobs that pay well but that I am not overly enthusiastic about... and I am going to ooze charm and see if I get an interview at the very least.

I'm sofaking backward all the time it blows me away!!!!!!!!!

Buns of flab

Well, those pictures are doing the job... I don't want to eat. At all. And I hate myself. That's the only way that I know to describe what I have been going through this past few days... pure hatred. Mixed with shame. And a couple of dashes of regret. What the fuck was I thinking? I fucking want some fucking chocolate. And lots of it. Mother fucker. What is going to become of me? It's not looking good at this point.

Fed up

OMG! I am so sick of this, I can't even tell you. I'm fucking bored and lonely and nobody wants to love me and nobody wants to give me a job and I'm an outsider everywhere just like I have always been for my whole fucking life. Why can't I just be like every body else? Why do I torture myself like I do? I want food. I want out. I don't know how much longer I can take this. I'm so full of shit. I'm nothing special. All of this blahg crap is a load of bullshit and I WANT OUT!

Pics with punch

Well, last night I took a couple of pictures of me in my pj's, sitting on the couch, watching tv, gut hanging out from under my shirt for all the world to see. I printed those pictures and put them on my fridge so I would see them a million times a day. I want the image of what I really look like burned into my brain so I will stop making these stupid decisions... just one more won't hurt, right?

Ugh. I have to say, I would have less respect for Rob if he liked me as I look right now. Okay, well, it's really easy to say that because it seems like he indeed does not like me in that way and I am just coming to terms with it so please excuse me.

I don't get any hits on the POF site these days, either. I wonder if I should hide my profile for a while. Just a really little while... until I get into the next pant size maybe. I just don't like anyone - except Rob - anyway. Part of me says that I should leave it up because you never know but... oh, I don't know.

I'm so sick of becoming me. I want to just be me already. I need to stop asking why. I need to stop thinking CONSTANTLY and start being or something, I don't know... just move on already. Enough, enough... I need a life again now, please.

Friends

You know, something just occurred to me. Maybe he just wants to be friends. Perhaps he really likes me but doesn't feel that there is chemistry. I think I can live with that for a while. I think I would like that for a while. I'm so damn good at being friends with my boyfriends after we break up... why not try being friends and let's just see? Sounds like an option.

Obviously I am not happy with how I look. I have said a million times that I'm only fat on the outside. I truly don't think that this is what I look like. This is a cloak, a suit, protective armour. I think that I would like to shed this armour and all the while become friends with this man that I hope so much is a part of my future. I will always leave the door open and when (okay, if) he makes a move on me it will be because he is physically attracted to me... because he feels chemistry. I feel chemistry. There is chemistry. I just need to get out of this fat suit so he can see it. It's like that movie where the girl dresses up as her brother to play soccer but falls in love with his friend. It's like Rodney finally becoming Robyn. It is letting your inside come out. It is being comfortable enough with who I am on the inside that I can let it show on the outside. My reasons for wearing this cloak are no longer valid... it's time to let go.

And reach out for a family of my own. (HOLY FUCK!!!)

Yesterday

Oh, yesterday was a good day. I went hunting for frogs! And then we went for a walk around the park and kicked a soccer ball around! And then Rob and Nathan came here for a while for some cookies!!! Oh yeah... good day.

Today? I want to see them. I want to touch Rob. I ache to touch him. I didn't say sex... I said touch, lean against, breath, kiss, touch. Oh yeah... oh yeah.

Day off

I feel a bit out of sorts today. Nothing wrong just not overly enthusiastic about anything, frustrated about this weight (so I went out and had a burger and fries with Stacey... crap), can't find a job, boring stuff, nothing new. I was laughing earlier - I'm so fucking normal now it knocks my socks off. How nice. Even the bad days are good. lol

Lessons

Karl taught me to fight.
Karl taught me that good enough wasn't good enough for me.
Karl taught me that if I keep trying to break free I will eventually succeed.
Fabian taught me to question things.
Fabian taught me to finally see that the problem was me.
Fabian taught me that if I keep trying to break free I will eventually succeed.
Ian taught me what nice meant.
Ian taught me how to accept love.
Ian taught me that if I keep trying to break free I will eventually succeed.

Now I need to learn how to give love.
I need to learn how to open myself up to someone.
I need to learn that if I don't try to break free maybe he'll wanna keep me.
And if he does want to keep me but I don't feel the same, I need to learn that it's okay to say no. This is not a commitment right now. This is not the future. This is a possibility. A very exciting, hopeful, fingers crossed, tingles in the nether regions possibility and yet only a possibility. Live on, good friend... live on.

This just in...

I am sitting here, struggling with being nice... I am struggling, fighting, pushing, pulling myself and I'm sitting here almost trying to remember which way is the right way.

So, I'll update you first... perhaps even a quick recap, just for fun!

The first time Rob emailed me was September 3rd-ish... that was a Wednesday. We chatted back and forth once or twice a day until Saturday morning and then I went to the beer festival on the island. I kept thinking about him and finally sent him a 'whut up' email on Wednesday-ish. So we chatted back and forth again until he said we should get together sometime. I replied like-when-ish and went on to comment that Stacey was here for the day. He totally backed off and did a I-didn't-mean-today-anyway stammer. (how did I not recognize those in guys before?) I said how about at practise, he said Monday or Wednesday, I said Wednesday and holy crap. So we met that Wednesday... I was there for about ninety minutes, we chatted, I freaked out but kept on smiling. Then I think I convinced myself that he wouldn't like me anyway because he's far too cute for a fat girl like me. ("no you can't join ballet... none of the boys would be able to lift you"... why did she say such terrible things?) And practise was over so we played around in the playground and I had so much fun. I'm even lol-ing as I remember... nice memory. I left the park, called Stacey on the way home - didn't even wait until I got home and could think about it for a while I was so certain - and told her unfortunately, no.

And then he emailed that night. What the heck? (my short recaps can go on for days, huh?) "Did I pass the chemistry test" he said. MELT! Too well... I asked him if he had cheat notes. So bold am I sometimes. He emailed the next day and we went back and forth a couple of times and I told him to just call me. He said he would call the next night. And he did. I felt comfortable at first and then I just... I think I was stoned so I probably just stopped paying attention. (shit, gonna have to edit that out when they turn this into a movie!) I didn't have a lot of positive feelings about that call, really... it felt strained but I don't really know why... insecurity or intuition? (only time will tell!) But then he called the next day or day after that and invited me to the aquarium the following day. I still wonder if this was too forward and overbearing... I took charge and made the plans and then I totally chickened out and said oh, shit, I think that was too forward and overbearing and the next day I was nice and present but I barely spoke to Rob. He was sweet when I broke his glove box. Um, embarrassed much? Then he paid me back for the parking but wanted me to pay my own way into the aquarium. I'm not saying anything about that because I do remember liking that at the time... I just want to record it, perhaps for future reference or whatever. He wasn't overly friendly that day... nice enough I guess... I don't know why I would say that he wasn't overly friendly, actually... he reacted when I put my hand out to help him with something a couple of times. I don't know if it was because he's just not used to the help or if he didn't like it. Hmm. Why wouldn't he like it? He jumped a little when I touched him the first time. Ugh, my heart beats a little faster when I think of being near him. How weird is that? I haven't even held his hand yet and he makes me giddy. I swear I felt, like, a current or something between us at the aquarium. Ha... that was when I backed off. He started to come closer to me and I backed off. Holy Cameron Abbot, dude. Weird. No, too hot for Cameron Abbot but same reaction. And then I stayed back. The rest of the day. Or did he pull back and start acting different? Perhaps I sensed a back peddle from him. I spent a lot of time in that car thinking that he was really quiet so that's probably why he wasn't saying much. Nathan fell asleep and we pretty much didn't speak the whole way home. I was enjoying the comfortable silence but when I looked at it from his perspective I realized that I... oops, getting a step ahead.

I don't like this part. I'm such a freak. So I send him this gushing email about how good of a father he is, no reply, no call, no nuthin'. Ugh, this is embarrassing. Then I sent him an email joke, he replied with one line, I replied with one line. And like two days later I sent a "well, your silence speaks volumes" email. That's not actually what I said to Rob but as I'm thinking about this, what I said to Fabian came into my head. Same shit, different day. But he didn't laugh at me or make me feel stupid like Fabian did... although I do remember really liking it when Fabian did it. More comfortable, perhaps? He emailed back and said your a nice person (but we'll forgive him this blunder... even my mother does it... even Sheena does it... Chelanna will never ever do it) and deserve to find a good guy, good with kids, nice stuff. Why does he keep doing that? Ian. Oh shit. You look better than your pics, I told Rob. Oh and he does but I didn't want him to know that and then put up better pics that would show how hot he is and then all the girls would want him!! Hahaha... how devious! But I had taken the romantic stuff off the table. My god, I want to rip this man's clothes off. I kid you not.

Then I sent him this email in which I poured out my heart. That was real and true. That was when I realized what I do. However, as I said to Stacey, recognizing it does not make it go away. I asked him out, he said yes (and thanks for being so open with me... sigh) and I said when and nothing. I called I think three days later, no answer, left message, no call back. I will point out, however, that I wimped out again a bit and just said it's Bev calling to say hi. That's all. I cowered. And nothing. Then I updated my profile, he sent me a note and said he liked my new pics and what was the popcorn in the picture, I replied that it was my pic and that was my super comfy couch and how was the game today and he told me about the game and asked if I found a great new job yet and said to call him if I wanted. I think I already said this stuff but I said Stacey was coming over and I would call tomorrow which is tonight and I called tonight and there was no answer and I left a message so much better than the one last week and said it's Bev, time and day, call me back if you want, bye bye. He sent a note two hours later saying that he was at the movie and just got home and was very tired so he would call tomorrow. I wrote an email saying no worries, get some rest, him falling asleep would hurt my ego or some such drivel, talk to you tomorrow. And this is where I talked myself down out of the tree and hit send.

First of all, to even convince myself to call him I started telling myself that we are worrying about right now. One phone call. That's it. No decisions have been made any further than that. When I still stalled about calling, I reminded myself that I jumped off a fricken' bridge 250ft down with a little bit of rope wrapped around my feet... I think I can manage phone call. Yes, I want him soooooooo badly but that's just going to have to wait a minute. Oh, but it's going so well! Stacey is going crazy - ask him out, when is he going to ask you out, why didn't he ask you out, did he call, you call him. Sheesh! We are night and day with this stuff. I say slow, slow... the only way this is going to work for me is slow. I need to believe that he wants me before I fall for him or I will never believe it. Actually, I don't know if that's true anymore but I'm not taking a chance. And tomorrow I will talk to him, I will have a conversation with him, I will ask him questions and I will answer his confidently and with respect and consideration of the fact that we are getting to know each other and he deserves to know who I really am, too.

So this email was driving me insane - was it too nice, too much, too forward, too kiss ass, too wrong - was it okay? How could that be? Are people that nice to each other, really? And won't that make him head for the hills? Don't men run at the first sign of... oh, I see the difference... it's the difference between being needing and needy. Yes, mars and venus. So, to make a long story short (tee hee!), I decided to be nice and I hit send. I decided that the Bev that I want to be wants to be this nice and if Rob doesn't want someone who will be this nice then I will find someone who does. I pulled away from Lyle... I watched and listened and interpreted and I decided that he wasn't for me. Yes, on paper... just what I was looking for. In reality, ah-no. And when that jeepdave guy gave me just a little grief I stepped back to allow him to do better or to allow me to save a lot of time... and he saved me a lot of time. And now Rob is somewhat in the picture again. I really like Rob, I do. I don't care what my mother says, I like him and I am going to do it openly and fully. I can only control my own behaviour and no one else's. If I am me and he doesn't want me, I am totally okay with that. Yes, it will hurt, don't be silly but I hurt with Ian, too... I felt it and I went through it and look at me now, kid. But what if I am me and he does want me. Do you understand how big that is? Have I told you before about crying at these romance movies as I thought "I will never have that" and believe it with every fibre of my being. And I accepted it. I didn't scream, yes, I will have it... I said no, that's not who I am. I argued with Ian once "I'm not the kind of person that people want to be around" and I meant it. How silly.

High fuckin' Five, baby!

Ian just left... he brought over a little gift (that I paid him for). I was laughing in my head a bit. We were having a conversation... not that I was talking and he was nodding, we were having a conversation. I get it! We were having a conversation. I was asking him questions about him, what he's up to, how he feels about things... and I was interested in his answers. Did I do that before? With anyone? I mean with anyone that I already know. This is how I talk to people that I don't know, this is why they are attracted to me. This is what I stop doing. THIS IS WHAT I HAVE BEEN DOING WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!

Ah, yes... that is the question

To call or not to call. I totally planned to call Rob tonight. At 9:35pm. It's now 9:39pm. Too stressed. Far too stressed. Far too wimpy. Crap. What should I do?????????


*** Yeah, I called. He didn't answer. Screening? Sigh. I HATE THIS!


***** Suck it the fuck up, sister.

Exerpt from Canadian Living Magazine: Relationships:Love

"You carry a personal navigation system within you to guide your way in the land of love. Each person has a vision of how his life should look, but only a few people have access to this picture. They mistrust their life-GPS and put their faith instead in external "facts" that they read in newspapers. They trust what their parents, teachers, or friends say. They don't dare to ask anymore what answer is slumbering inside of them, what assignment they may have received from life, what dream they should transform into reality.

It is a tragedy how much bravery is no longer thought and how much greatness is no longer done."

And he said...

hey bev



ya i would like to go for a drink sometime with you..that would be cool..as a couple of grown ups??i don't know about that..i'm still in my childhood


and thanks for being open with me

Composition of possible email to Rob

I don't know if I will want to send this but I keep composing it in my head so I figured I might as well write it down at least.

Hi Rob:

Well, this is sorta weird and embarrassing so I guess I'll jump right in... would you be interested in meeting me for a drink or something one day, just me and you? No pressure, no strings, no expectations. Just a couple of grown ups hanging out when Nathan is busy with other things.

After I sent you that 'copy and paste' email last night, I remembered how much fun I had in our early email days... I really used to look forward to our back and forth conversations, you made me laugh and I enjoyed how you would get excited about your son and his sports. Before we met I remember thinking that, even if the romantic stuff didn't pan out, you were someone I would like to have as a friend. I felt we kind of clicked somehow.

And that made me wonder why we didn't click in person. Obviously, I don't know how you feel about it all but I would like to tell you the answer from my perspective.

To start, simply put... I choked. I have not liked someone new in a long, long time and, as soon as I saw you on that soccer field, I ran face first into a wall of insecurity that I used to hide behind oh so many years ago. I was attracted to you and I reacted by pulling away.

Also, I never dated anyone who had a child before. I was so busy having fun with Nathan that day at the aquarium that I overlooked the fact that you and I were supposed to be getting to know each other, too. And I sometimes tend to get caught up in observing the world and forget to just let my guard down and participate. There are many things that I wanted to know about you but somehow I didn't ask... I guess I thought it would keep for another day.

You said that I was great with kids but I'm great with grown-ups, too... I didn't take the chance that I had to show you that so I'm asking for another. And I honestly have no expectations here - I have no idea of your perspective on this - I just felt that I needed to ask the question... because you never know...

Okay, okay... you win!! The truth is I just want to see your burnt nose!! lol

Hope you guys had a good practice... what a beautiful day!

Bev



*** And I just sent it. 6pm

Big discovery!

I just had a revelation that practically knocked me off my feet. When I was writing that email to Rob earlier, I thought that it was funny that my tone had returned to exactly how it was before I met him. When we were emailing I was outgoing and witty, and we clicked - I know we did. Then I met him and realized that strong attraction for him and I went into observe mode. The problem is that I spent so much time observing that I forgot to participate.

I have always felt like I was on the outside looking in. Could it possibly be because that's exactly what I was always doing?? Maybe it wasn't that I had low self-esteem which manifested itself through my seratonin deficiency (not to discount that because I truly believe that it made a huge impact on my life), and that really never made sense because I didn't believe all of those bad things about myself. I was just trying to explain or figure out why I was so happy when I was by myself or with Stacey and other friends but I was so unhappy when I was with a man for any length of time (or any stranger when I was younger). I always stood on the outside and watched and observed and I think I just forgot to participate. That's why these men never know me. That's why I always thought I was wrong. The men ended up as friends.

I always phrased it as being able to remain friends with my boyfriends but I realized tonight that it's more like I have been able to only be friends with my boyfriends. As soon as that idea of a relationship was off the table, my whole persona changed back to me. Yes, I lose myself in relationships but only through neglect and perhaps a bit of laziness. That's why I usually only fall for men that I'm not attracted to... I don't do that pulling back... until after I fall for them and then it's too late because they are already in too deep. Wowsers, dude. That's huge.

Holy moly! Baby...

I just discovered something about myself. And something that is quite possibly the reason that I am at odds with the men that fall in love with me.

I was sitting here thinking about how different communications were between Rob and I when we emailed and when we were in person. How could we have clicked so well in writing but not at all in person? Because I suck at dating.

I did not make an effort to talk to him. With Nathan, I couldn't find enough to say; with Rob, I was awkward and uncomfortable, I was pleasant enough and had a good attitude but whatever it was in me that Rob was attracted to via email was gone in person.

And that tendency has always been there - perhaps the only e... nope, I was going to say perhaps the only exception was Ian but it was there with him, too. The funniest part is, when I try to figure out why I realized that I just didn't think of it. I chat with people everywhere. I talk to everyone. I love to ask questions and find out how people feel about different topics and to learn about their experiences. I guess, again, the habit was to lose myself and, even when I worked emotional stuff out, the habit was still there. Exactly like the eating. Just a hard habit to break. Of course, actually recognizing it should assist somewhat in that department!

When I thought he liked me... no, even before then... I walked up to him in that park and I was a different person. Obviously the weight couldn't have been too important to him... he saw pictures of me before we met and emailed me right after the meet-cute. I just detached from my personality the moment I was in his presence. If he was an older man or a kid, someone that I wasn't attracted to, you wouldn't be able to slow me down but this good looking guy? I'm nice enough. I smile, I'm agreeable, everything is okay at all times. And I forget to be myself.

I guess it wasn't outwardly apparent with Lyle because he didn't shut up. Even though from day one I felt uncomfortable, like I wasn't really being true to myself. I just turn into this "whatever you want" girl. The reason I hate that sentence so much is probably because I want to do whatever they want to do... and if they feel the same, there's no where to go with it. Hm. Hm... need to process this a little more.

Fishin'

Okay, I have a new profile that I think I should leave up for a while. Guys probably think I'm a freak with all the fixin' and changin'. And it's time to step up the outside work... got to get up to speed with the inside. You know it occurred to me the other day that I never look at other women and say "I wish I looked like her" or "I wish I had her ass"... I look at them and say "I could look like that", "I will look like that" and "where can I get me one of those?" Me likey.


"Love dogs, kids rock, gardening is a new and beloved hobby. I am not a stressed out, high-strung person. I think a home should be filled with music and laughter - and sometimes peace and quiet - but living alone is just getting too silent... I've heard all of my jokes so there is very little laughter anymore! lol

I am looking for someone who is passionate, considerate, energetic and fun.

Drop me a line and let's see what happens from there. Otherwise, I wish you much luck in your search.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Remember:
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you."

Sleep

I can't sleep. It's after 6am; Stacey and I watched movies and went to bed at 10:30pm. I woke up at 2:30am and the rest, as they say...

Anyway, I'm effin' bored. I was working on my POF profile but then I kinda wondered why I was trying to force it when the words just weren't coming to me. Because I'm tired and I can't think straight, most likely. Crap.

But here's an interesting update... well, three updates, actually... what a whore! lol

Before I went to sleep on Friday night, I decided to try communication and sent messages to a couple of swimmers. First, I will tell you about Johnny because I don't think I really mentioned him yet. We chatted online last week and got totally drunk together and flirted. The conversation ended with him wondering how much it would cost to get a cab from Vancouver to Langley... and I say ended because that was when I turned off the computer. He's kinda cute, I had fun flirting with him but he is in no way my kind of guy. He sent a few messages since, basically asking why I wasn't chatting with him and the last one said "when are we going to hook up". So, I sent him a message and said "Sorry, I'm just not the kinda girl 'hooks up' anymore. I used to be so I can still talk the talk but I no longer walk the walk." *giggle* He replied with "if ever you have to have that 'itch' scratched, dont hesitate to msg me." But I scratched it myself a couple of hours ago. (instead of warm milk but it didn't work... obv!)

The second message was to Rob and basically said that he was way cuter than his profile pic and that he would probably have better luck if he changed it. (I'm so forward sometimes! I wonder if that freaks people out?) He was sweet and thanked me for my kindness. He said he hopes that I find the right guy, that I was a very nice person and great with kids and Nathan always plays with the little frog thingys that I bought him at the aquarium. I was going to reply saying that we still have to bungy jump but I decided to let sleeping dogs lie.

And then I sent a note to Dave and said that he owes me a buck fifty for the water that I had to buy at Tim Horton's while I was waiting for him to not show up and that a phone call would have been way cheaper. lol He said that he was there (I love how he said that he kept the receipt to prove it! hmmm) which is totally believable because I was five minutes late and he said he didn't think I would show anyway because I didn't call at 3pm like I was supposed to. (although I never intended to call at 3pm, I thought it was all confirmed) He asked why I didn't call him and I said that I was too busy laughing my ass off, which Stacey said he probably took as a bad thing considering the circumstances so I then send another note saying "Um... that's when you are supposed to reschedule, sir. I had fun talking to you the other night; I kinda thought you were enjoying yourself, too. Are you going to let a little misunderstanding become a roadblock?" We are still working out the where and when.

How brave am I, huh? So impressed. So cool. So me.


*** So, Dave emails and says he wants to have coffee today, I call him to ask what time, what time for what he says. He seems distracted so I asked if he wanted to call me back, yeah, I'll call you in a couple of minutes he says. The phone rings 45 minutes later - I didn't even bother to pick it up.

****** I did email Rob a nice, funny reply and said that he has to go bungy jumping and I want to see his pics.

What can I say?

Laughter wore off a little while ago... I still think it's fricken funny but it's hard not knowing what comes next. I was so much more comfortable back in the day when I controlled what happened. Not that it always turned out the way I wanted it to but it was definitely me who made most of the major moves. Now I wait.

I'm not sure if it would be better for me to contact Dave and give him heck and then laugh about it. It would be much better for him, sure, but would it be better for me? And, at the same time, I wonder is it dumb to wait for him to contact me? I wonder the same thing about Rob because I really want him to want me but it's pretty obvious that he doesn't. He should be emailing or calling me, right? I sent him a nice email, he knows I like him, I shouldn't push it past that, should I? But, if I don't do something, will I just be saying goodbye to someone who doesn't necessarily want to say goodbye to me? And how long do I wait? If this method/theory doesn't work out, when will I know that? Sadly I need to just let it be and see what happens.

This is how it's done now... open the door and step back. If I'm right I will know it and if I'm wrong I will figure it out eventually. This is how I need it to be right now... I will figure it out eventually. I have time.

Also, I applied for another job today! It's as a shopping centre manager!!! How effin' cool would that be, dude? I loved it when I worked at it oh so many years ago. What a challenge that would be! It makes my heart pump a little harder... and that, my friends, is what we're looking for!

???

He totally stood me up! How awesome is that? I have been laughing my ass off for the past hour!

jeepdave

Well, I'm meeting a new guy today. We spoke for 2 hours on the phone last night. He's pretty funny, seems like an okay guy. Lots of "does the carpet match the drapes" kind of comments. Kind of funny actually but he's not supposed to know that yet. lol Anyway, we'll see. I'm not getting myself worked up over it! Practice, practice, practice! But WHAT AM I GONNA WEAR???

I will get it

I will. I will be wrong as many times as it takes for me to be right. I will lose this tire around my heart and I will show me. I just have to. I'm sitting here wondering what I've done wrong, should I ask Rob for feedback, ask Fabe what he thinks. And it occurred to me that maybe that could be why I can't find anyone. I keep asking other people's opinion on who they think I should be. How would you rather I act? Okay, I will change then. But that didn't help things work out - quite possibly the opposite because I would try to be something I'm not. And the next guy would come along and not want me because of how the first guy told me to be. And all I'm hearing is you're wrong. You can't do anything right. Forget them. Be yourself... eventually someone will see it, appreciate it, want it. What a fucking curse. Being too nice. Is it that people think I act too nice so I must be faking it?

Muther father, dude... how funny is it that I think that men don't want to be with me because I'm too good, too wonderful... they just can't handle it. Hahaha... holy shit, that is funny. Where the fuck did you come from, girlfriend! Go get me a chocolate bar! Sweet.

Yes, I will get rid of this gut. I don't like it. I don't want it. I have been so certain my whole life that the reason guys didn't like me was because I was too fat. Wouldn't it be hilarious if I lost all the weight and it turned out that, after all of this pain and frustration and mental exhaustion of looking under every single stone and uncovering every scar, wouldn't it be hilarious if the reason guys didn't like me was actually because I am too fat? That would be pretty ironic. It's a theory that I am fairly certain I am going to test. I figure it's one of those win-wins... I deserve the right guy and if he's looking for someone smaller - not skinny or thin... just fit and real - I will find him. And, even if I'm wrong, at least I will look good in a pair of jeans.

Nothing

I am so unbelievably bored. I haven't spoken to another human being except Stacey for the past two days. I just don't know what to do with myself. There are things that I could do I guess but, basically, I just don't want to be alone anymore. Fuck.

I applied for a job yesterday as office manager for an ice rink... sounds awesome but I am a little concerned that it won't pay enough. Fingers crossed for an interview, I guess.

Boo

He didn't call.
He didn't email.
I know it doesn't mean anything.
I know.

On the edge of a meltdown. Wasn't that a song? Sigh. I know, I know. I see where it used to come from and it's really tempting to fall into old habits but I'm not going to do it. Logically, I know that him not contacting me on one day doesn't mean anything. It's just that this was the first day he ever spent with me so it's possible that he doesn't like me. Maybe he didn't realize on the day we met. Or he wasn't sure either and wanted to meet but I over did it... I can't believe that. I can't. I won't. Even if it's true that he doesn't like me, it doesn't mean that no one ever will. He's out there. Someone. Right? I mean it's not like I'm desperate and I will take anyone, I don't even know Rob yet. At this point, if he's not the one for me that would be disappointing but not the end of the world. I do believe that I will find someone and we will be happy and I can not settle and I can't wish that I could be with a guy who doesn't want to be with me. I don't have time for it.

And don't jump the gun yet. Anything could have happened. I am sometimes hard to take. (is that still my mother back there in the back of my head?) I had a good feeling - aren't I there yet? I call myself this good judge of character... doesn't that mean that I should let this go and trust myself? Just let it go. Stop fighting it. Stop. Just have a little faith in yourself for a change.

And the fact that you are getting your period does explain your weepyness and sore breasts but it does not excuse losing faith and letting everything fall to pieces. Stop hiding. Get out there and be this person that you speak so highly of. Get up, get your shit together. No one else is going to do it for you. They can't. Do it for yourself. Self fulfilling prophecy, remember? Let's flip it and use our powers for good instead of evil... make it true, Beverly, you can make it true. You can. You can. Just let it go and believe. That's the difference, remember? She believes. And so can you.

I think I need so much to be this person right now that I am half expecting it to be taken away from me.

This is exactly the area that causes me so much trouble, though. You know what happened? I put myself out there. I said something really nice to him and gushed maybe a little and I wait for proof of success and, if that proof doesn't come at the time I expect it (I'm talking moments), I'm out the door. Because I think I have proof of the bad stuff instead of realizing that anything could have happened, nothing could have happened, he could be tired, he could be cranky, he could be unsure and that's okay. Slow means more than two days. Just chill the fuck out and let what will be, be. You control you.

WTF

I just sent this to Rob... is that good or bad????

Hi Rob:

Just wanted to let you know that I had a great time with you and Nathan today. The lacrosse game was seriously entertaining and I felt comfortable and welcome all day.

You are such a fantastic father, Rob. I know about these things; I have a very good father who loved and protected and provided for his kids but he was also usually quite irritated and impatient with us. You are patient and loving but, at the same time, you give him boundaries and structure and positive lessons... and you look like you are having fun doing it. I think that is just awesome!

Have a good day tomorrow! (hope you guys get some rest tonight... I napped for a bit earlier!) And wish me luck... because tomorrow I start handing out resumes! (stress!! lol)

Bev

On how to live life

If you believe that every day
can improve on the day before:
every love will be your best love,
every gift a cherished memory;
every tear will dry a little faster,
every hurt will hurt a little less;
and every single time you're wrong,
you will be just a little more right.

Right?

OMG. I think I might be right. All of the questions that I have asked during the past year, all of the unproven solutions and theories, all of the hypothesis are coming to this... finding the answer. And the answer is yes. I can be this person. I like her a lot. I can love and I can give and if it doesn't work out? Hey! What are you going to do? That's life. Again, I can only control my actions. If I am truly myself and act in a manner that communicates my self, then I've done my part. No matter what happens, I can only do my part, I can't do anyone else's. I can be proud to have tried and I will try again and again because I do believe that it will happen. And I will feel it - the good and the bad. I will appreciate it, I will enjoy it and I will cherish it. (sorry, stoned.)

It makes me well up a little when I think it could be Rob but I don't know. The testing part is winding down, now I start to evaluate the answers. The basics are all there. He got my jokes, I liked his replies when we were emailing. I saw him and I liked him, he liked me too. Today I went to Nathan's lacrosse game then we went to breakfast and the aquarium. And it was just fun. For one thing, I don't think that I have ever enjoyed the aquarium so much. (did you know that was also my first date with Karl? So much different it's scary!) I have been there a dozen times or so but I never looked at specifics, I didn't pick and poke and wander and laugh and read and get excited by what I saw the way I did with Rob and Nathan. Part of that might have been seeing it through a child's eyes... what a different perspective!

Watching those kids banging around in their great big helmets and padding and they are trying to knock each others sticks and score was awesome... the little goalie was a dream - had no idea what was going on but he got the hang of it eventually and Nathan was totally hogging the ball because his dad said that he could eat all of the Timbits if he got a hat-trick so he tried over and over and over. It was fun to watch Rob on the sidelines, interacting with other people (less than me because you know what I'm like), he says that he is quiet but it's a quiet confidence, not a meekness. That's a huge difference. This guy is pretty awesome. I have probably said before but, even if things don't work out with us romantically, I would like to have him as a friend. But I really hope they do work out romantically, of course.

I'm comfortable with his driving - that's a rare one for me... I don't like anybody's driving but mine and Fabian's. He doesn't have any money but that's cool, neither do I. And while I was wasting $10,000 redecorating my place about four months before I moved out, he was feeding his child. Who's the better person here? (and you know I don't mean that literally) He has not traveled much and has never been on a plane but he does stuff. People who are into traveling a lot do big stuff but don't realize how much pleasure there is in small stuff. Rob plays with his kid at the park, he takes him to the aquarium, he encourages him to draw and says nice stuff about his drawings. Have you ever heard of such a thing?? I asked him in an email once if he had cheat notes because how is this possible ???? (as Debra would tell me, hang on Bev, he will turn out to be a boozer or wife beater, you'll find it!)

I liked him. I wanted to touch him. I looked at his hands and his butt and I sized him up (sheesh! never thought that he might have been doing the same to me all day! cripes!!!), I rubbed against him a couple of times and sizzled a little bit, I think he did the same to me (but I'm not sure... quiet boys aren't very forward in that department... as long as he keeps calling, I can wait). I listened to him talk to his son, I listened to him talk to the waitress, I listened for griping or whining or moaning or complaining and there was none. There was no negativity. He held doors, he smiled, he colored, he teased, he didn't get mad when I broke his glove compartment, he didn't feel like he had to pay for everything but bought breakfast and paid me back for the parking, he was interested in learning and exploring, he wanted to know. I like that so much.

When it came to fathering, there were rules, there was structure and consequences but there was no berating, no putting down, no making fun of, no hurting, no fighting. He said way to go when Nathan scored 4 goals in the game and he waited until later to give him some tips on how he can improve. He didn't say you were good but not good enough, he said way to go and an hour later said you should try to hold your stick this way. That's fathering. Holy shit. It exists. In real life!!

Rob is planning Nathan's birthday party and he was telling me about the loot bags and he was just... I don't know, just enjoying himself. Practically giggling. Rob was trying to get Nathan in the shower last night while we were on the phone and Nathan kept mooning him so Rob told him that I could see him through the phone. And Rob is just having the time of his life. How cool is that??? Seriously, wow.

Rob's ex had two children from a previous relationship and Rob calls them his daughters. That means that Rob can love without blood. It amazes me how many people say that they could never adopt or foster a child because it would never feel like their child without their blood. (I don't think people pay much attention to learned behaviors. Yes, your blood is giving them red hair but your behaviors are giving them their personalities and that's what will last. It will pass on and on, through friends and family and their friends and their families and it will make a difference. I wonder if Rob feels that way?)

Nathan is cute. He's 7 and his birthday is coming up on November 10th. He has a dad who loves him and dotes on him, as it should be. Rob says he recognized his regret that his parents took him out of sports at too young of an age and he wants Nathan to continue, even when he struggles a bit, because it's important in his development. My parents let me quit everything so I totally agree with Rob's stance on that. I would love to go to soccer and lacrosse games every weekend. I don't think I would do all the... okay. Stop. Getting ahead of ourselves. Stop making up who they are and what it will be like because I don't know. Could he possibly like me? Seriously? I don't know but I think he can. Let's just wait and see.

But let me quickly say that I'm kind of dating the both of them right now. They are a matched set, you don't get one without the other. I am testing and observing them and my reaction to them. And I like what I see. I can tell that Rob is a good person to a very large degree because of how he treats his son and the lessons that he is teaching him. I can tell that Nathan will turn out just fine because he is loved and cared for by a good person. They are a testament to each other.

And I felt like I was there, I could safely be me, and I was a part of something... and I liked it.

Horoscope

Scorpio
October 23 - November 21
Your daily surroundings are currently changing, dear Scorpio. Perhaps your circle of friends has already undergone a major change. The fact is that you no longer have so many prejudices about the people you meet, and no longer seek out only a certain type of person as a friend. You accept whoever comes along. You may not realize it, but your attitude is completely different now from what it once was. Good for you!

Horoscope

Scorpio
October 23 - November 21
You have reached one of the most climactic times of year in regard to love and romance, dear Scorpio. This is the time when the dream that you have been working toward finally materializes, or you realize that all your efforts are a complete failure. All depends on how you played your cards over the past few months. This is one of those moments of reckoning when you are faced with reality; you must bring your ship down to the landing pad and check in with the base.

Update

So, I guess a quick update about Rob is required. We emailed a couple of more times and spoke on the phone for about an hour. I can't say that I'm head over heals for him... I mean, he's nice enough but I doubt he's the one for me. I will see him again if he asks but, if he does not ask, I won't lose any sleep over it.

The important part was that he emailed me after he met me. It was confirmation that, yes, a good looking guy can want you... it gave me a confidence that I was lacking... perhaps that was my lesson from Rob... and that's pretty cool.

Rodney became Robyn

Email Between Robyn and Me


From me:

Hi! I hope I didn't embarrass you or any thing with that cleavage comment the other day (it's sometimes hard to read tone in the written word!). But, if it did bother you, please feel free to delete it... no worries! I really meant it, though - you look great!

So, I will either make it worse, better or make no difference at all but I want to tell you how much I respect and applaud you for being true to yourself. It's not just what is on the outside... it's being strong enough to show others who you are on the inside (something that I have struggled with a lot myself lately), especially when some find it difficult to understand.

I'm sure you have faced a lot of obstacles over the years but, even on your most difficult days, I hope you know that you are inspiring others and giving them support to be true to themselves as well.

And I think that's pretty fuckin' awesome!
I think you are pretty fuckin' awesome!!
I hope you think so, too!

Take care,
Bev




From Robyn:

Hi Bev,

Not at all, I thought it was a cute comment...I know you well enough to know you were joking...I've always liked your sense of humour. And there's nothing to make worse, but your email did brighten my day as one of the sweetest things anyone has said to me in a very long time.

As for obstacles, I think I was my own biggest obstacle. It's amazing that the world was so much more understanding and accepting of me than I was of myself. It's one of those things where you worry about losing friends / family / career but at the end of the day, I was very lucky and didn't lose any of those. Wishes can come true...I remember looking in the mirror one day in university and saying that I couldn't do it anymore and made the only really true wish in my life..."that I just wanted to be an average girl", nothing more. Believe it or not, that one wish came true. Tried again for a million dollars...didn't work (joke).

Besides, it's easy these days because most don't know my history....except on Facebook where past meets present...scary thought which almost keeps me away but people have been perfectly behaved, that I am aware of anyway.

I really cannot see you struggling to show people who you are on the inside. In my mind, you have always been outspoken and very confident of exactly who you are.....and funny too. Just remember to be true to yourself on the inside because at the end of the day, you have to live with yourself more than anyone else.

Thanks again for your very kind email.

Take care,
Robyn

And "I think you are pretty fuckin' awesome too!!"




My reply (but I don't think I will send it):

You know what's really funny... when I read what you said about seeing me as outspoken and confident, I realized my biggest obstacle was me, too... I seemed to be the only one who didn't see that person. I was so quick to see the best in others but I could not find a way to see it in me.

By the time I hit my teens, my life was already a struggle that I could barely manage but I was able to keep it from most people... I felt like everything I did/said/felt was wrong, I hated myself so much and I didn't believe that anyone could, would or should care for me. And I felt so little for myself - I also didn't want anyone to see this side of me because then they would know how wrong they were about me - so I spent a lot of time alone and pushed everything and everyone away.

I was constantly in or recovering from crisis after crisis and each crisis made me believe the bad stuff about myself just a little more. Then, when I found myself on the floor with a bottle of pain killers in my hand a few years ago, I knew that I either had to go through with it or figure out where all this pain was coming from... so I went into therapy and was diagnosed with clinical depression. I guess that was my one wish come true - answers!

Anyway, I have done some pretty intense work on myself over the past few years. The medication made a huge difference but it was still tough to accept the person that everyone else saw after all those years of self hatred. Now I have accepted her, kinda like her a lot actually... the task at this point is learning to be her... learning to be me. I still struggle with insecurities and letting people see them (which is why I have been composing this email for almost a week, I guess!) but it's getting easier.

It's weird, isn't it... you just don't know what kind of struggles people go through... behind closed doors, as they say. You let your inside come out and I let my outside come in. And, I have to say, I'm pretty damn proud of the both of us!!!

I'm glad we had this little chat! ;-)

Bev xxx


*** I sent this almost one week later.


From Robyn:

Hi Bev,

Apologies for the delay in responding. I got your message when I got back in London this week but Facebook is blocked from the office here because it was the most popular website for a while! As I'm a little homeless at present in London, I never got to Facebook until today.

I do admit to sitting, reading your message in amazement, several times. I really, really commend you for being so strong. I also thank you so much for sharing that with me when you didn't have to.

Obviously you've had a tough time but the important part is that you dealt with it and are that much better for it. There are certain things that get worse with time unless you do something about it...even when it would be so much more convenient to tuck them away and try forget them...which you never can. I'm really happy that you got the help you needed. It's interesting that people have to come to a breaking point before they actually do something...at least for me it would have been much easier to do something at the very beginning. Hindsight is 20 / 20 though.

Please don't ever be insecure about yourself. From when I knew you way back when, you were someone that I was jealous of in many ways. I, along with everyone else, saw you as a 'fun, popular, girl with a sense of humour strong enough to get you through anything'. I hope that sense of humour has helped your down the path. Regardless of what you thought of yourself, you left a very positive and lasting impression on me and many others.

I guess we both did a pretty good job lying to each other in high school about our true feelings!!

It would be really great to get together for a chat if we are ever in the same city. Thanks again so much for sharing with me.

Take care,
Robyn xox

Oui

I am so excited that he emailed... that's all.

HE EMAILED!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Poop

Oh, I'm bummed. He was cute! (is cute, I guess... haha most likely!) Yeah, he's cute. Nice guy. Kinda shy-ish? He started the conversation totally at first, then we were about equal, then he again. Was he just being polite?

Okay, I was prepared to not be attracted to him but still be his friend in a non-physical way. I was not prepared for him to be hot! Crap. That just changes all the rules and my good ole insecurities come a flooding back. Actually, I don't even consider that an insecurity. I look at that more as human nature, male instinct, logical truth.

Of course, if he is really fucked up and insecure he might be into me. (don't laugh... it's happened before... probably lots)(sigh. see??? insecurity... but whatever) Because, let's look at the facts, he liked my jokes, he responded to our emails quite well, we clicked on the computer and he mentioned a few of those things today. I'm not disgusting. I'm fat, too fat but I guess I am kinda cute otherwise. If everyone says Debra and I look so much alike, how can I not take that as a compliment... she is beautiful. And perhaps I would be beautiful at her size. But I'm not her size. And I know, I know, I'm awesome but, seriously, a good personality can only take you so far... it can't create miracles. He's hot and I'm not. Them's the facts.

That little angel-y chick on my right shoulder just whispered in my ear... what if the problem is not the body but he doesn't call back for some other reason? What if it's something you said, maybe you came on too strong, maybe he thinks you're baby crazy and... fuck, the little angel and the little devil are both assholes!!!

God, I hope he likes me. That is big. I don't think I have ever said that at this point. (**yeah, I've said it... I think it just didn't freak me out as much this time) Or even let myself think it. Of course that's what was going on but I didn't "do" emotions while I was with anyone else... except extreme meltdowns but that's not important right now! lol I wonder how I felt when I met Lyle. Just the fact that I didn't write about him until I had seen him again and had sex with him kind of tells me that I was suppressing. Did I open up to myself, I wonder? I doubt it. (**Stacey and I were talking about this later and I remembered... melt down after melt down... wanting it to end, it was too much. Ah, if something seems to be too good...)

God, I hope he likes me enough to send me an email and ask me out. God, I would really like to see him again in different kind of environment and see if we click, one on one. I like his kid... he's cute, he's a good kid. I enjoyed watching Rob deal with him... But I'm not thinking any further than one or two dates at this point. I still have to see. I'd have sex with him, though. Oh, would I? That makes me uncomfortable. Fuck, what - I finally got some emotions so I have to take them all now? Don't I get to choose? I don't want to be all awkward and embarrassed during sex with anyone! I'm not taking that emotion, I don't care... I'm in that bed to have fun and to give and receive pleasure and I'm not giving that up. If he's there, it's because he wants to be. And that's his problem, not mine. lol Yeah, I'd have sex with him. He's a good looking guy... it's odd to see such shyness in someone so cute. What's with these men? What kind of women have they been with to get fucked up like that? I'll pick up the pieces, baby. You just lay your head right here... (haha! I'm a whore! sigh... I miss sex)

Yes, yes, yes... if he doesn't like me I will move on... chalk it up to a life lesson. Learn from it. Yeah, it's way harder to hear that at this point than I realized. Fuck learning from it. I want his fucking body, man. I like him. And I will learn from this... I just hope that I learn that I am wrong.

Three hours and counting

I think I'm almost more afraid that we will hit it off. If we don't like each other, I will walk away and say "oh well; win some, lose some". If we do like each other... if we click... if he is...

Let's see! If I keep writing I am going to psych myself out!!!!

Horoscope

Scorpio
October 23 - November 21
Obstacles that you may have been encountering in attainment of cherished goals could suddenly seem to be melting away, clearing the way for making your dreams come true, dear Scorpio. This could involve physical health, plans for travel and education, and self-expression. You could also be feeling especially passionate at this time, so a romantic evening with that special someone would be especially enjoyable. You're feeling great, so make sure you look your best as well!

Fear and common sense

I'm afraid. I'm afraid that he won't like me. Also afraid that I won't like him but more that he won't like me. I'm afraid he will think I'm too fat. I'm afraid. And yet... waddaya gonna do, right?

Lost

I think what has really been going on with me is that I have let my self forget a bit of what all of this is about. This is about accepting myself, about not apologizing for being myself. "Sorry, this is what I meant by this joke." "Did you find what I said sounded like I was complaining?" I haven't been trusting who I am again... I have been going back to lie under the covers and wait for it all to go away.

And that is making it go away to a degree. The problem is... when I get up, it's all still there. I eat crap for "one more day" because I almost feel like I am struggling to hold on to my security blanket. This weight has been my excuse for a lot of things in my life, it has been my cloak (ha... like Sheena's hoody and Brandon's long hair). I have been hiding me behind it - practically forever - because I didn't think that I could survive without it. I have gained and lost and gained and lost... never lost past 30 pounds... thought that it was because I was afraid of men even though I knew I wasn't afraid of men... then I thought it was because I suffered from depression and there was nothing that I could do about it back then but now that I have these pills it's just going to fall off. Then it was because I was pushing Ian away. That might have been the closest that I have been... I was pushing everyone away, I was apologizing for being myself, I was agreeing with what everyone else said I was, I was saying yes, Mom, you are right, I am aggressive.

You know what? I'm not. I don't want to be. I'm nice and they haven't figured that out yet. Probably because I still bully them when I am trying to get a point across, probably because I say what I feel, probably because I speak out and say no, that is unjust, that should not be, look what you are doing! Is that aggressive? Hmmm. Perhaps it is. But I'm not aggressive in a mean way, I am trying to help. I am also learning to understand and recognize when my help is not being asked for. But, like I said to Andrew that night, if we are at a restaurant and you ask me how I like my meal, I'm not going to lie about it. If it's not good, I'm not going to get pissy and throw things but I'm also not going to ooh and aah over the rich sauce. Perhaps that is what is polite but who is it helping? I am sick of this being rewarded for nothing. Who is it helping? Is it helping the person who is getting top marks for crappy nail application? Is it helping her customer when she fucks up her nails? Is it helping her family when she starts her own business which subsequently goes under because she sucks at applying nails?? Or!! Or perhaps her instructor could have said... yes, they are very good but you fucked up right here, try again or just not give her an A+ because she's really sweet and you don't want to hurt her feelings?!!

When someone does something fantastic, or just a little above and beyond, I point it out. I say thank you. Does it mean anything if someone gets marks for doing nothing? Is it right when someone gets no marks for doing really well? I want my marks for working hard, not for showing up. I always, in every situation I am in, I consider how I should treat this person... is this person making an effort, being indifferent or overly rude? I will act accordingly. I'm not a bitch about it. I think I'm pretty good about it. And in some situations, sometimes I am a bitch about it if that's how I feel I need to communicate my point... but I do this for good and never, ever, ever, ever, in retaliation or to talk down to someone. I am pointing something out because it needs to be said.

I used to work in a bank as a teller. One day, this lady... this bitch came up to my wicket and she was being a bitch. She was rude and short with me and snappy and, in addition to all of that, she was asking me to do something that was above and beyond the call of duty. She said, I want this level of service from you. I said no. I said, very kindly, perhaps a little too sugary sweet, now that I look back - but I was still learning! - I said "perhaps if you were a little nicer to me, I would offer you that level of service." I didn't say "fuck off, bitch" even though I really wanted to. I didn't do it and swear about her under my breath and tell everyone about what a bitch she is. I said respect me. And you know what she did? Ha... she asked to speak to the manager. And she reamed out the manager... but I think as she was doing so, she realized what I was talking about. Then she apologized. And then I went above and beyond the call of duty for her.

I was talking to Tom and Julie and Stacey at different times about my trip and I told all three of them the same story because I wanted to gauge their reactions. When I was home, I told Mom that she should not be raising a 13 year old boy... she doesn't have the patience for it, she doesn't want to do it and she is not helping his situation. It is true. No one is benefiting from that union - Leonard is being spoken down to, he is being pushed away when a hug or a moment of positive attention would do a world of good. And they don't want to raise him, Mom and Dad want to help, their heart is in the right place, their intentions are good but they are just not willing to do what is required anymore. Everyone that I told that story to was going yep, you're right Bev, exactly, they shouldn't be doing it. When I told them that I told Mom the same thing, they each looked at me in shock and said "you actually told her that?" Yes, she needed to know. It's true, she knows it, I just pointed it out. And now she says it, now she knows that she is not letting anyone down for letting him go when this agreement expires at the end of the month and she isn't hating herself for making him leave, it's in his best interest. Now he will be getting a new chance. She has told him that it's not him, she is just too old to raise a thirteen year old boy, she said that she saw the difference in how I was dealing with him and how positively he reacted to that, she saw the patience that she just doesn't have. How is telling her that wrong, people? How is it better to say those things behind her back and not try to help? She would still have him, she wouldn't be happy, she would be bitching at him and about him constantly, she would be damaging him and making him think that he doesn't count or that he is doing something wrong, even though there is no way for him to make it right. Is it better to watch a bus drive straight at a kid and say nothing? Would you not yell out or fucking tackle him??? It is helping and not by ridiculing or nagging but in a positive healthy way... I am telling you that your fly is down, not that you have a small dick - there's a difference!

Maybe my visit with my parents affected me more than I realized. Maybe some of their words got in again and I didn't even realize it. Sitting alone in my room while I was sick and then seeing how Leonard was told to do the same kind of got to me. I am different, it is true... that doesn't mean different is wrong. I'm listening to the feedback, I am watching, I am testing and I am helping. I have something special. My mother told me that tonight. And she's right but I guess, in the all or nothingness I could only hear one side... there's only two sides, the good or the bad and I defaulted to the norm.

Same thing with Rob. Yes, I hope that I like him a lot and I hope that he likes me but I don't need him to like me. It will happen for me someday, I have to believe that I will find what I'm looking for and there is no way that I can know right now whether it's Rob or not. I was excited about Lyle and it didn't work out because I walked away... I did not run, I followed my instincts and they were right. So, perhaps in my daydreams and fantasies, the image doesn't have to be him. It's just someone right now. If he isn't the one, if I still have lessons to learn before I get this right, I will take those lessons and I will be thankful for them because they will help me get it right. I will take those lessons. And I will heed them. I guess I am still confident that everything will work out as it should.

Of course, as I told Tom, the problem with this theory is that I don't know if it's right or not. It is still in the testing stages. Could go either way at this point!! Haha! The good part of that is, no matter how it turns out, I am still happy. Right now. I want more and I like wanting more. I will fight for it. Even if I am only fighting me.

Next step

I have been driving myself crazy all night. We are going to meet. I'm getting pretty close to the part where I run for the hills!

You know what? He will either like me or he won't. If he does, that's great. But, if he doesn't, there are plenty of more fish in the sea! It seems good so far but we are two weeks of flirty little emails in here. Let's not get carried away. I spend to much time 'what if'ing and I have to learn to let this go, too. That's where I cause problems. Who knows? There is absolutely nothing that I can do about it at this point... we will either like each other or we won't or somewhere in between... let it happen and stop playing it out, already!

I am responsible only for the things I do; I can not control the things that others do.

Yes, I hope he likes me. I hope we hit it off. But if we don't... I'll be one step further ahead for the next time. I am choosing. Who. I. will. be.

Right now

It's like... this is going sound stupid but I guess that won't be a first so... you know those kids in the after school special type movies? They are sad, latch-key kids, whatever... they aren't happy for whatever reason... and for whatever reason they aren't happy, they think it's their own fault... the kid in this movie knows that if only she did something different, tried harder, she doesn't know what she is doing wrong so she tries and tries to get it right. So I'm an adult and I'm watching this kid in this movie and I am realizing that this movie is about me and I remember what it felt like to be that kid, all alone in the world and hurting... and I think 'you poor kid, I wish you knew what I know'.

And then I thought... what if I can tell someone else, others? I've tested my theories... Debra (and her friends, although I didn't even know at the time), Sheena (and her friends, this time I suspected), Steve's kids, Brandon, Aaron. How many others in small ways? Jenna, Billy... Leonard, David, Calvin, Tom, Cathy? (Maybe someday Mom and Dad... they will be the test of a lifetime.) But what if I can help someone else... like everyday... like as a job... is that... possible??????

Debra was obviously a complete success... when she was young, possibly for the very first time, I thought... at the very least, something is wrong in me and I am going to see if I can make it right in her... this is how I feel about myself and I know it's wrong but I don't know how to make it stop in me so I will make sure that it never starts in you... I will find a way, I will be her third parent, I will do things with her, I will tell her it's okay, I will let her see me cry, I will let her see me fat and struggle both physically and emotionally, and more importantly that she should never feel this way about herself, I will love her unconditionally, I will listen to her and I will hear her, I will do anything that I can to see that child smile. Obviously I didn't do it consciously; like I said, she was the first trial... it was the comparisons that showed me it was a test. And I swear to god, that woman is my most favorite person in the whole world, hands down, no holds barred. She's not perfect... actually, kind of gullible and cute! And confident. And maybe somehow she recognized that she wasn't getting something from Mom and Dad and she looked to me for it. Okay, that's all well and good but she's my family, my blood, I knew first hand what she was missing so that was pretty easy.

Then Sheena came into my life. Sheena. Holy crap, that child was wild. Sheena is my boss, Joe's, former girlfriend's daughter. So, the story goes that Joe met Isha, an African woman - from Africa, how exotic (although, I don't think Joe saw her that way... what do boys know? It's almost embarrassing!). Isha was a young mother with three daughters, one of whom was very young and had no father to speak of. Joe gushed but backed out like a coward when he realized that he would have to raise another child... at least that's the way Joe sees it. Joe lost his son to an accident and his wife to cancer the same year... he then sent his daughter to boarding school and, while I know he loved her dearly, he would not allow himself to be too connected. He's German, for shit's sake! lol But I digress.

Well, back then Joe left Isha because he didn't want another child. Years and years later, Joe was older and making a bit of money, perhaps building up a bit of confidence, he was lonely and he wanted more. So he sent for Isha. In the mean time, it turns out that Isha is now married to another man, whom she was dating while she was dating Joe, her two older children wouldn't speak to her, she was certain that her husband was trying to kill her or something, tapping phones, following her, that kind of stuff. Joe takes Isha and Sheena out here, puts them up in his condo development and takes care of them. Yeah, so, turns out Isha is addicted to crack cocaine. Has been for years. In and out of rehab. Paranoid. She would steal Sheena's allowance from Joe, she would leave Sheena alone over night to go get her fix. There was a huge downward spiral, Isha attempted suicide, went back into rehab, Sheena came to bunk in with Joe (and then she wouldn't leave!). Joe's home was above his office, the office that I worked in three days a week.

And she was a terror! Holy hell on wheels, man. She would have fits and throw things, she had a temper and if she was mad at you, you were gonna find out but quick. She took no shit but she certainly took over. Joe and I kinda became a parenting team - he said yes and I said no. He came to me to discuss his problems with her and he asked me to sit in on "meetings" with them when he needed to (paper and pen in hand) discuss a serious topic (like her doing the dishes sometimes). I didn't want to be her parent, I thought that I would be more helpful as a friend (also, at that time in my life, commitment to just about anything made me want to run for the hills!) Eventually, I started spending more time with Sheena. Joe thought that he was controlling the whole thing by paying for us to go to the movie or to dinner... I totally let him pay because, hey, I'm not stupid, but the money had nothing to do with me seeing her... I would have gladly paid.

I started thinking of some of my older women friends and how much they influenced me and helped me see a different perspective. Joanne who was totally cool when I was about 10 and let me stay at her place sometimes (I'm sure she was probably just giving Mom a break... I asked a lot of questions!); she let me sip her beer once and, when she babysat us while Mom and Dad were in Texas, I totally stole a beer and screamed swear words at my brother and she caught me at both and never told. Hot damn, she was cool. Then, of course my mother and older sister, younger sister, too, I guess, I saw the best in everyone and tried to emulate those qualities myself. My cousin Jackie was my hero when I was a kid, Denise when she gave me the 'Annie' record (how cool was that? she probably doesn't even know how happy it made me, to get that attention), when I got older there was Brenda, Dianne, Sheila and Mick. So many woman who taught me about who I wanted to be. And I wanted to be that to some degree for Sheena, too.

There were times that I doubted I was getting through, she was so frustrating and, while we were very much alike, she reacted in absolutely opposite ways that I was used to. At her age I would cry in the corner but she threw business phones off of balconies. All of this was going down right after I left Karl and started finding my own voice. I had been led my whole life but when I left Karl it was because, deep down, I knew there had to be something different for me, something more. So I went looking for it... and I took Sheena with me. She is now in her second year of university, she is in a healthy relationship, she has tons of friends, confident, beautiful (still testing the limits of her loved ones patience, though... but I think she deserves to... and she's still learning). I brought her home to Newfoundland, helped her make a video-application to be on a tv game show, I then accompanied her to Toronto to be on that game show, Joe and I were her 'parents' at her high school graduation, she is my family. I am as proud of Sheena as I have ever been proud of anyone. And I honestly think that I learned a lot more from her than she did from me.

Please excuse me, is there a word for hyper-digression? Yes, I guess there is. It's probably hyper-digression. (tee hee!) What I was trying to describe was that I have tested my theories of how to communicate with children. I have very successfully tested my theories.

On what level of heaven would I have to be to dare dream of going to school to be some kind of councilor. But where? What? Who? How? I don't know. But I know I would be good at it. Be a good platform from which to start spreading the word, paying it forward, so to speak. Heaven.

Billy was a child up at Julie's camping ground... the second child of close friends. I mostly stayed away from little kids. I did not want to be a parent and I avoided all parent-like activities. But they were trying to put this child in the water and he was freaking out! He was loosing his mind and they couldn't see that they were making it worse with their "don't be silly" attitude. Fear is not silly, people... it's natural and necessary. I brought him into the lake and put him in very slowly, one toe at a time, with lots of giggles and whoops and fun. Moments later, moments later, he was splashing around with the rest of them.