I QUIT!

I quit junk food today! Just like smoking, I quit. Yesterday it dawned on me that there is absolutely no logical reason/benefit at any time to me eating chips and chocolate and junky fast food... other than the fact that I like it. But I liked smoking, too, and I quit because it was only causing harm instead of good - same with the junk food that I eat! So I just decided that it was time (way past time) to quit.

Now there are small stipulations, of course... I can have a small piece of cake/desert when celebrating birthdays and other occasions... but only one and only when there is people around (otherwise I might bake a cake to celebrate every pound that I lose!). And I can have fast food but only if I make a healthy choice... everyone has salads and sandwiches on their menu now so there is no excuse for having the crap. But there is NEVER a valid reason to have a single chip or a chocolate bar or a Big Mac.

And I feel awesome about this! There will be a withdrawal period, just like there was with smoking, but I will fight the cravings and they will eventually go away, just like they did with smoking, and I will be healthier... and hotter!!

Go me!! Oh, Stacey quit, too. Go Stacey!!

About Last Night...

Hey - maybe all of my headings should be movie titles! Wouldn't that be awesome?? I wonder if anyone in the world actually reads this drivel! Muther fucker... I might just beat the shit out of Joe some day... but that's another story (good thing the sunofabitch pays me so much!)

Anywho... last night was rough. Not only did I have a mini break-down on the way home from work - yep, just started cryin'... no reason... just cryin' - but I also had a mini paranoia nobody loves me boofuckinhoo kind of night. I need to talk to Ian. I know logically when he doesn't cuddle or whatever that it doesn't mean that he doesn't love me but, now more than ever, I am struggling with the emotional side, too. It was always there but I buried it deep. I need that confirmation, a squeeze, a tap. I am trying to not only think of myself but this is where that tendancy to run comes from.

What did my mother do to me??????

Just not that interested...

Hi me. It's Monday. Blech. I am so not interested in doing any work today. I'm here, my eyes are open, I'm answering questions, I'm looking like I am being somewhat useful but it's all a big ploy. I had a nap on my new RED couch at lunchtime. Came back to work after more than an hour. Did I mention that I came to work almost 2 hours late? I got into my bed after I struggled with the alarm at Ian's for about 45 minutes... just lie in bed for a minute... just a zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Then I had a little pressure wash, which is always welcome and didn't take too long but definately not the day for it. It's dark, it's dreary, I'm bored and not in the least big ambitious. Blech.

I'm a loser!

After all of that wonderful stuff about my strength and being okay that Ian didn't want to see me the other night, I got myself so worked up yesterday afternoon it's not funny. Through the jigs and the reels, I made my way over to his house. Eventually, when I got up the nerve, I asked him if anything had changed for him. He, of course, had no idea what I was talking about because I had worked the whole thing up in my mind but I told him that I had been getting a weird vibe and this is the point that I usually lose it and run but I want to learn how to handle it differently so I asked him about it instead. What a concept! So much better. Seriously, normally that would be enough for me to want to call it quits.

Oh, and everything has been so wonderful since. So cuddly and warm and sweet and fun. Here's where I run the risk of expecting too much.

Eventually I will get a handle on this... I'm trying and I think that says a lot. Hell, I even told him that I was on the fence about kids. Me's growin up!

Something is working...

Here's a new development... he didn't want to see me yesterday. He didn't email all day and I was going into avoidance mode (because I didn't really feel like going over there, either... but that's not important right now... lol) but then I remembered that I had made a comment the day before about him cooking me supper so I called... at the very least to tell him that I didn't want to come over (but that's not important right now!). He was very quiet and withdrawn on the phone... he said that he wasn't feeling well. I said no worries, go chill out... then he told me a bit about his day and we hung up.

Okay, so my instant reaction was that he doesn't want to be with me... he was at the concert the night before and something happened and he is moving on... blah, blah, blah. And, while that might be so because I really have no idea what is happening with him, the difference was that when I started my "that's okay, who needs him, I don't care, better off on my own" speil I stopped myself.

Here is how it usually works... and I learned this oddly due to my birthday cake. Stacey was coming over on Thursday to leave for Seattle the next day, my birthday was Sunday. My favorite cake is bon bon cake and I really wanted it but earlier in the day I was thinking that it wasn't going to happen this year... so I sat there and thought of all of the reasons why we shouldn't have bon bon cake... three days to go until my b-day, won't be able to eat it all, it will go to waste, etc. And what happened was, when Stacey showed up with the cake, instead of saying wow, thank you, that's awesome, I rhymed off all of the reasons why we shouldn't have the cake. I stopped as I was doing it and recognized what was going on... I used to that all the time with guys. Don't hear from them, think up all of the things that they might be doing or feeling and, by the time I see them again, I am already soured from all of the things that I have been convincing myself of all night... and, of course my I don't need anyone anyway attitude would just be a sparkeling when they finally did call.

As I was saying, last night I stopped myself... I challenged myself. I do care what he is feeling, I do want to be in a relationship with him, I need to give him the benefit of the doubt and believe what he says until he is ready to do otherwise. Yes, I can survive without him but, at this very moment, I don't want to. And I think the thing that really got through to me was - he gets to have doubt, too... he gets to have days that he doesn't want to see me, he gets to have time on his own; after all that we have been through, who can blame him for going slow. And I want slow. This is slow. Let's just wait and see what happens.

And I took out a puzzle that I wanted to start and I put on some music and I had a lovely evening with just me.

Men are from Mars...

Women are from Venus. Holy fuck, this book just called me and said "Bev, this is why."

"Setting limits and receiving are very scary for a woman. She is commonly afraid of needing too much and then being rejected, judged or abandoned. Rejection, judgment and abandonment are most painful because deep inside her unconscious she holds the incorrect belief that she is unworthy of receiving more. This belief was formed and reinforced in childhood every time she had to suppress her feelings, needs or wishes.

A woman is particularly vulnerable to the negative and incorrect belief that she doesn't deserve to be loved. If as a child she witnessed abuse or was directly abused, then she is even more vulnerable to feeling unworthy of love; it is harder for her to determine her worth. Hidden in the unconscious, this feeling of unworthiness generates a fear of needing others. A part of her imagines that she will not be supported.

Because she is afraid of not being supported, she unknowingly pushes away the support she needs. When a man receives the message that she doesn't trust him to fulfill her needs, then he feels immediately rejected and is turned off. Her hopelessness and mistrust transform her valid needs into desperate expressions of neediness and communicate to him the message that she doesn't trust him to support her. Ironically, men are primarily motivated by being needed, but are turned off by neediness.

At such times, a woman mistakenly assumes that having needs has turned him off when in truth it is her hopelessness, desperation and mistrust that has done so. Without recognizing that men need to be trusted, it is difficult and confusing for women to understand the difference between needing and neediness.

"Needing" is openly reaching out and asking for support from a man in a trusting manner, one that assumes that he will do his best. This empowers him. "Neediness," however, is desperately needing support because you don't trust you will get it. It pushes men away and makes them feel rejected and unappreciated.

For women, not only is needing others confusing but being disappointed or abandoned is especially painful, even in the smallest ways. It is not easy for her to depend on others and then be ignored, forgotten or dismissed. Needing others puts her in a vulnerable position. Being ignored or disappointed hurts more because it affirms the incorrect belief that she is unworthy.

For centuries the Venusians compensated for this fundamental fear of unworthiness by being attentive and responsive to the needs of others. They would give and give, but deep inside they did not feel worthy of receiving. They hoped that by giving they would become more worthy. After centuries of giving they finally realized that they were worthy of receiving love and support. Then they looked back and realized that they had always been worthy of support."

Morning Sickness

This is getting to be a daily situation... every morning I am freaking out about Ian and the whole relationship thing - trying to stop myself from running away screaming, making a serious attempt to convince myself that it's not going to work out and why should I bother and why am I here even going through this, he doesn't want me, I am just someone. By the evening everything is usually okay, I am smiling and confident that this is right... oh, but in the morning...

Freaking Out... but what else is new?

Okay... we had a good weekend. I went home last night to do some laundry. Before I was leaving I said I love you. Later he sent an email to say goodnight. I replied with "Do you know how much I love you? It's crazy... but I like it" or something like that. Fuck. Too much, too much! Why why why? Why do I do these things? This morning I'm trying to figure out how to take it back. Not take it back because I don't mean it but take it back because he hasn't responded. I know it's too much, too soon. I'm ready to bawl my face off right now. This is me. Please let me control myself... this is where I start freaking out and causing problems. And it's period week and that just makes it all so much fucking better!!!

I know, I should act cool... no big deal... let it slide. But this is the crisis point. Although, I guess this whole learning thing is to figure out how to deal with it differently. What I really want to do is be an asshole, cold and distant... run, run, run! Maybe instead I will try to just be normal. Hahahaha! Normal. Ya, that's gonna happen.

Last Night We Spoke

And then he undressed me and made me go out to the shed in the rain! Scum bag! So funny... so weird and crazy. We talked a bit... I rambled a bit. He said he's not seeing anyone else, that he doesn't like anyone else, that he likes me, that he wants to be with me. We are still in the "we'll see stage"... I told him that I don't know anything for sure yet but I would like to try, I think that we need to try. And without all of those jealousy's it should be a little easier for me to let go a bit more. He said he still talks to some of them... he started telling the whos and whats but I promptly told him that I didn't want to know... as long as he is not actively looking to date someone else I think I will be okay. I have to trust at some point and, if I'm going to trust anyone, it's him. And then I woke up with him this morning and thought... maybe this is not what I want. Hahaha... never ending saga...

Nervous

Why can't things just go smoothly? Why can't I just know that he is with me, that he wants to be with me... I am so afraid that he is still wanting to see other people but I don't know whether or not I should ask him. I want to talk about the relationship but don't know if it's too soon. I know, I know... I had it so good and I walked away from it. But but

Can't get past that part. I need to be patient. I need to trust that his feelings for me are strong enough. Am I sure yet? Am I so intense about this because he is not paying a ton of attention to me?

Fuck. Do I have what it takes to get through this???

But I can't stop thinking that maybe he is keeping me at arms length because I told him that's what I wanted... before I realized the real problem. What if he is not calling because he thinks I don't want him to call. Christ, I am so afraid to let him in... not let him in, I guess because he's not knocking... I am afraid to put my heart out there and cause more trouble than would come otherwise.

FRUSTRATED MUCH?????

And yet...

At the same time, I start thinking 'did he just spend so much time with me over the past week so that I could act as a buffer while his older brother was in town?' Yesterday I was thinking - why not me? Why do I think that I don't get this crazy little thing called love? Why do millions of people all over the world get to fall in love and have someone love them back but not me? Why do I think that everyone is just out to fuck me over? Instead of finding a reason why someone might want me, I find a reason why they might not. Then again, when it comes to Ian right now, there are lots of reasons why he might not want to be with me... learning his lesson the hard way for one thing. But then why invite me to spend time with his family like that? Why touch me the way he does? Why even bother considering getting back together?

And why can't I just go out with someone once for a change? Freak.

Ian

It just occurred to me that I should be making notes of how I feel about this whole thing with Ian daily because things are moving fast. I didn't say that's a bad thing... it's a fact. So the last time that I wrote was Tuesday, Nov 6... let's start there.

Wednesday, November 7
Wait - I will go one day further back... Tuesday (Monday night after I went to be to be precise) was the day that Ian sent me this email about how pissed off he was that I hid a pack of smokes in his closet so that he would start smoling again, blah, blah, blah. He really sounded pissed off and I felt super bad (not like the movie super bad but like the feeling super bad), the email ended with I otta fuck you - which made me think that he wasn't pissed off but maybe he was pissed off and was trying to make light of it; I emailed him back, blah, blah, blah, he said I bet you cried like a girl, I said of course I cried like a girl, you ass, he said I said I otta fuck you in the end so that meant it was a joke, I said that was the part that made me cry but I was kidding at that point. So, back to Wednesday... sort of... I had a shitty Tuesday but decided that I would leave well enough alone and let it unfold to see what would happen (I don't need to be in total control of my life and the lives of those around me anymore, you see!!). On Wednesday morning I got an email saying that he thought I liked those words, do I only say it for him and I don't really like it at all; I said I like those words in bed a lot and I say it for him and for me but mostly for me! And I said that I was only kidding about the crying (although I did shed one or two cuz I'm a wuss) and it turns out he felt bad about upsetting me! I don't know why that warmed the cockles of my heart but it did.

I went over to his place right after work. Rory was coming to visit that day he reminded me a couple of times, which I took as him politely telling me that there was a time limit. But then he wanted us to make supper. Then we made some cookies. We did all of this together, too... just like he wanted before... and it was fun - because I didn't get frustrated and bitchy. Then he wanted me to sleep over (Rory stayed at their mom's for the night). I said "this might seem silly to you but I don't want to sleep over while we are seeing other people" so we had sex and I went home. I really wanted to stay but (boy this is getting to be a long story for the middle of the work day!) I stuck to my guns. **I should mention that I found out the Friday before that he was going on a date, I said that I understood why and that I wasn't sure how I felt about the emotional part of having sex with him while he was dating other people... I thought about it and decided that I could handle the sex part (why deprive myself?) but the sleeping all cuddled and romantic was just too intimate for the situation. So I went home. Very proud of myself, might I add.

Thursday, November 8
A couple of cute emails during the day but not much conversation. He called in the evening to ask if I would watch Daisy for Friday night when they went to Vernon for some wood. Would I? WOULD I????????? Um, yeah.

Friday, November 9
I went over for the key in the morning, a smooch or two then to work. After work was odd, odd, odd... but in a good way. Daisy and I went for a walk and we cuddled and watched a movie and I was home. I was home, I was in love, I was going to tell Ian the next time that I saw him enough of this dating other people, things were going back to the way they were. But I knew I wouldn't. But I wanted to.

Saturday, November 10
Throughout the day I did his laundry, cleaned his bathroom, walked his dog... I was about to make him some muffins when he came home. Good woman or suck up? Little bit 'o both. Hung out with him and Rory in the evening... he wanted me to stay. I was surprised, and very happy. Again, he asked me to sleep over that night. Again, I said no. Why? I told you the other night. But you stayed here last night. But you weren't here. Then sleep on the other side of the bed. But no, I went home. Pat, pat, pat.

Sunday, November 11
He called in the morning as planned to let me know that they were going to start unloading the wood. (I had volunteered my services the night before... good woman or suck up? Who really knows for sure?) So I put on my duds and I went over and helped unload wood. There was a couple of times that he was kind of mean to me... just talking trash and making me feel bad a bit. He was inside on the phone for a bit so I was absolutely convinced that he was talking to a girl and I was jealous and frustrated and bothered but I kept working and when I was done I gave him a kiss and went on my merry way. And then he invited me over for supper with his mother and brother! And I didn't sleep over.

Monday, November 12
What happened Monday? I was feeling pretty sick. Ah, Monday was the wind storm. I sent him an email in the morning but didn't hear back from him. I didn't get upset... okay I was bothered a bit but said I'm sure there is a reason that doesn't neccessarily involve another woman - at some point I have to take the time we spend together as a good sign and just let it rest. Then he called... they had no power all day! Ahhhhh. Blah, blah, went for sushi, no sleep over.

Tuesday, November 13
I was home sick from work... felt poopy all day, sniffing and snotting on the stupid brown borrowed couch. I left my glasses the day before... I called on his cell and he was a little bit off. Take it personally? Yes. How do you know when to take it personally and when to not? I'm not a machine. I'm also still extremely afraid of being made a fool of... recognizing it is a start but it's not curing everything immediately. But he called when he got home and said to come over. I was still feeling crappy so said a thanks but no thanks. So, I'm sitting there... bored... confused... knowing what I think I want, what I'm pretty sure I want, not sure of where to go with it or what to do with it. For some reason I sat down and started reading old emails from last year. Holy crap - where was I last year? I was open and loving but I didn't not read the things that he said. It's like I skipped over the parts about him to get to the parts about me. He was so sweet, so heart-on-a-platter. I fucked him over but good. I know that won't happen again. I know I will never treat someone like that again. But what if something else is wrong? What if I'm wrong and he's not the one?

But you know what? How can I not try and give it everything that I have. In my old frame of mind, I could look at it as practice if nothing else. In this frame of mind, I love him. I want to be with him. So what if he's a skinny dork? I've always been attracted to skinny dorks. I think it's time that I just accept me for me and him for him and stop worrying about what we look like next to each other. Stop worrying that I will get my heart broken so I won't even put myself in the line of fire. Learn to give, learn to listen to other people, learn to care about something other than myself. I'm ready to have his baby for fuck sake! Well, not ready but definately getting ready. For 18 years I have not wanted children... until this past couple of weeks! I'm not ready to even say it out loud yet, I'm still having trouble thinking about it without tears coming to my eyes. But I think I want it... I look at babies and families and hear little David next door bawling his poor heart out and I think... yeah, I want that.

So I called Ian at 10:30pm, went over to his house and slept all night in his bed.

Shit day

I'm having a shit day. Shit day number two, actually, because yesterday was a shit day, too. I guess all that epiphany garbage is a big load. I don't mean that. I'm just crabby and I want to go home.

Oh...

and learn to move on...

Epiphany City!

Holy fuck... I was mean to Ian. Mean. No excuses, no reasons... I was mean. I think that it's time for me to let go of a couple of things... it's time for me to stop asking why and do something about it. Why doesn't matter anymore. My reasons became my excuses.

I was emailing Ian the other night and almost fell off my chair... in figuring out the reason that I am a control freak, I realized that it wasn't fear of getting hurt that motivated me... it was fear of screwing up. Do I sabotage so that I have a reason why things went a certain way? It was my choice... I was in complete control... no one hurt me or has ever hurt me... I am oh so happy with everything all of the time because my life is wonderful and if there is anything that I don't like or don't want to deal with I just push it away. It will go away eventually... just gotta keep pushing. Here, let me have another burger. It doesn't matter why... I need to accept that I do it and fix it. Have I been using all of this depression stuff as an excuse for being a bitch? Is what I viewed as being strong really shitty behavior?

I don't give anyone else a chance, do I? I always put myself out there and then pull it right back. I love you today, I hate you tomorrow. No matter what my reason, there is no excuse for the way I treated Ian. Or Fabian. Or Karl. Or Jeff. Or Paul. Or Dave. Same story over and over and over. I get so close and then bust my ass to get away. Is it because I afraid that he will hurt me? I really don't think so. Is it because I am afraid of failure? I don't think so... I cause the failure. Is it because I have to control everything? It's going to fail and I am going to make sure that I am the one who walks? I don't think so... again, I cause the failure.

Hmmm... I cause the failure. I (fucking hate my sub-conscious!!) cause the failure. Why? Or do I let go and just recognize that I do cause the failure and figure out how to not do the same in the future? So my mother called me fat when I was a kid. So? I already have determined that there was no ill will involved. Do I still get to use that as the reason I am fat? Is it because I get depressed every now and then? Because, realistically, it's every now and then now. I still milk it, I still use it as my excuse sometimes. Is it because I am waiting for some miracle epiphany to make it all go away? One day I'll go "Of course!!!!!" and the fat will just melt away.

And what about this not being nice to people? Some people I really make an effort with... Sheena... Debra maybe. [and the really funny part of that is they both let me push my ideas and opinions on to them and don't question it - to my face... Stacey, too, I think. I am mean to her a lot lately.] Otherwise, I am the queen... this is my perspective and it's not realistic to think that you might have another perspective. But if you convince me that you do, I will laugh at you and make you feel like shit. Isn't that a trait I hated in most of the men that I have been with? I have been slacking off at work like nobody's business for months now. Of course, it was Ian's fault. It was living with him that was so hard. He was very difficult on me, you know. He expected me to call when I was going to be late and he expected me to spend time with him. Oh, the horror. He loved me. I think that might have been his first error in judgment. [that's interesting... I still put myself down, too... does it matter why?] Of course, then I say he loved everyone... he's been with other women... he has loved them... he goes from one to the other as simple as he changes pants. And, instead of believing that he might love me for me, I became someone else entirely so that I wouldn't have to take a chance.

Take a chance at what? Take a chance that I might actually let someone see who I am? There's some things that I don't want him to see... so give him the rest, then, maybe. Wait - I'm asking why again. Does it matter? You recognize the problem, so fix the problem... don't keep looking for the whys and how-comes... is it going to make a difference? I have spent so much time looking for myself that I forgot the what I wanted to do when I found me... and, realistically, I think I found me long ago and just couldn't figure out the next step... or avoided the fact that there was a next step.

And, whatever. I make a commitment, I should keep the commitment... I should respect the commitment. The commitment to my loved ones, to my job, to myself. Stop making excuses and do something about it.

What is the something that I need to do? Ah, there's the rub. Accept that other people might have a different opinion. Accept that I might not be right... and that's okay. Accept that I might need help sometimes, that I might not be the best, that I might have to ask questions about things that I really don't know, accept help, accept help. Don't like help. How silly is that? I don't like someone doing something for me. Pisses me off. Don't try to help me, I have everything under control... don't help me unless I ask. Don't offer or try to be nice. And I have been treating others that way for how long now? And, when I ask you for help, you have to help the way I want you to. You can't do it your way. And when you do it wrong you will pay. Wooowee! You will pay... my razor sharp tongue, my attitude that you are not good enough, that you don't know enough, I will laugh at you and kind of do all of the things that I am afraid someone will do to me? HELLO? Stop asking why! It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. It's okay to fall, it's okay to need help, it's okay to fail and try try again, it's okay to need love. But what I really have to work on is that I have to accept it as it is given. I don't get to choose how someone else acts, lives... my opinions are worthless because everyone gets to decide their lives themselves.

Fuck, I am mental! That's not an excuse, though.

Did I tell you that boys suck?

I guess I was right... I only come here with problems and bad feelings. Poor boys... I always pick on them. It's not their fault (I mean it is but I was trying to be nice). I'm the one that is messed up. But, knowing that, isn't it healthier to just hold back all feelings and not get involved with anyone? It sure feels better. So, I don't let anyone in. I tried it, didn't like it, not interested in trying again. Why can't I be an asshole? Why can't I stop the stupid emotions? Who's joke was this to give me man's attitude with girl's feelings? That's just mean.

No News is Good News

So, it looks like I totally ignore this site when everything is going okay! I'm really not as cranky and bitchy as I seem... sorta! Things have been really good. I am still at Ian's but moving back to my place soon. I ordered some wicked awesome furniture that's going to take 6-8 weeks to get... which puts me somewhere around mid-September. Brandon is visiting right now so it's better at Ian's anyway; there's nothing at my place except beige!

Ian and I have been getting along good since I decided to move out. I guess the weight came off my shoulders. And I have somewhere to go now and that's what this is all about.

Make up your mind!

And so the drama continues... it's Tuesday and Ian and Daisy have been at the lake since last Wednesday. I've had a nice week alone. Had lots of time to think. Had lots of time to switch my opinion/plans/desires back and forth and forth and back. I'm still not fur-shur. Yesterday I was totally going, the day before thinking maybe not, the day before that I couldn't wait, the day before that I turned into a puddle of my own tears. I am me today though. I just can't take this yo-yo that I have been living for the past year or so. I will sacrafice everything/anything to get my head screwed on right again. What I'm trying to figure out is... what is sacraficing and what is throwing it all away for no good reason? And how do I figure out the difference?

I know that I can be happy without him... the big question is - can I be happy with him?

My Horoscope - July 25, 2007

Scorpio
October 23 - November 21
Remember that it is OK to change your opinion, dear Scorpio. You may pride yourself on being the solid one who always has an answer, or knows exactly where to go. You may look upon others as flaky, indecisive, or fickle. It is important that you don't shut down your thinking process after having made a decision about something. Keep your mind open to the changes that occur around you - and maybe you yourself will have a change of heart.




*Ian and I had sex last night... he told his mother that nothing was changing except that I was moving back to my place.

Fuck.

With all of those nice platitudes that I've been saying, you would think that I would believe them. "This, too, shall pass" blah, blah, blah. I know it will pass... but I have to get through it first. I feel tired, drained, exhausted... I feel like I don't have a home and all I want in this whole world right now is to have a home... somewhere that I can go to and be alone. I just can't deal with this the way I deal with things with everyone watching me... waiting to see the weakness. I want to cry and to sleep and to scream and to get on with my life but I have to smile and be strong and be brave and make it seem like everything is okay. And it will be okay... but it's not okay right now. This is the problem with having close friends and having people around all the time... they want to see your feelings and they want to help but they don't get that letting it all out in front of someone doesn't help at all. Fuck.

Done

Well, the deed has finally been done. I didn't tell him after on Thursday... I was so tired and we were having a somewhat nice evening so I just didn't. Friday he was fumbling with his blood all night so I didn't tell him then, either. On Saturday, I got up and ready to go to Stacey's... I even left the house... then I turned around and went back in and told him that we needed to talk. He was extrememly good about it. I'm glad that I took the time that I did to get everything straightened out in my head so that I was able to tell him exactly what was going on. I told him that I wanted to live alone and that he did nothing wrong. I told him that if it was something that we could work on, I would work at it but this is basic personality conflicts that cannot be resolved. We are not right for each other and that is the bottom line. I cried a bit; he did not. He said "That's fine, honey". He attempted to argue with me in the beginning but, everything that he said was wrong with me I just agreed with him. Because it's true - I don't want to tell him everything, I don't want to accept his help, I don't want to be nice and spend all of my time with him.

How do I feel about it all? Good, over all. I was relieved on Saturday, so relieved to have finally said it. And all night I kept thinking of all of these silly things that I can do again... I can have Kraft dinner! I can go to bed early or late. I can get up early or late. No one will tell me what to eat and when. No one will buy my groceries for me and then get mad at me for not eating things that I don't want. I can have mushrooms! I can decorate and have everything exactly the way that I want it all the time. I don't have to compromise, I don't have to share, I don't have to worry about anyone but me! Wow... I am one selfish asshole! But at least I can admit it! And it's not like I want to subject anyone else to it. It really is all about me.

Freakin' Out!

Okay... I'm freaking out a little bit. I haven't slept properly in three weeks (except that couple of days at Debra's), I constantly feel like I want to toss my cookies and I can't stop my leg from bouncing under my desk all day long. I'm exhausted. And sad. And excited.

I had a major brain wave the other day and called my tenants. I offered them money if they can be out of my place by August 1. And they are going for it. So, it looks like this is really going to happen.

I have been playing some serious avoidance games for the past few weeks... always with a reason to not be home or around Ian in some way. But tonight I have to tell him. Oh, I dread his response. This evil, selfish part of me hopes that he will just shut down and not beg me to keep working on it.

Luckily there is a light at the end of the tunnel now... and it's looking pretty fine!

I don't know

With all of this toe tapping and heart racing inablity to concentrate, I am looking for something to take my mind off the goings on in my life. I just want to have the answer absolute and never look back... no matter what the answer is. I spent hours with Stacey last night looking over condo listings... there's a lot of nice places out there. No word back from the mortgage people yet.

But more importantly... Ian was acting as if he was a normal person this morning and made me all confused again. Ma faka! Would things be better if he stayed sober? Would it make a difference? I don't think that he would irritate me as much. (I'm trying to remember what it was like back then... I can't believe it's only a year ago and I barely have a recollection of it now. Pot. Pot. Pot.) But is that enough?

Let's look at this logically and see if it helps at all! What do I not like? What do I like? But I don't really believe in making a list and seeing which side is bigger. The leave list might be way longer than the stay list but what if the stay list has the priorities and the other is superficial? Or the other way around, obviously. All I know at this moment is that when I was at home with him this morning I felt drawn to him and wondered if I was making a hasty decision. But as soon as I was away from him, I wondered if the hasty part was this morning and the other was better. I am always the one leaving... I wish someone would leave me for a change. That's a pretty sad statement, though.

Okay, what do I like about living alone? I like the freedom. I like being able to do whatever I want, whenever I want and not worry about anyone else's feelings. Was I lonely when I lived alone? Sure, sometimes but not for the most part, I don't think. What else? It's the control... it all comes back to being in control... doing what I want and not having to worry about someone else. That's so shallow! But I don't want guilt. I don't want to feel bad for doing the things that I want to do. I want it like that Patricia chick said... two people with their own separate lives coming together. Can I live with someone and have that? Can I ever get that from Ian? And I also have been thinking about Paul for a bit... he was a nice person, too. (why do nice guys like a bitch like me??) Nice guys are just irritating. Fuck. Fight for yourself already. Say what you want to say, be what you want to be... I don't want to wipe my feet on you... I just want to be.

It's the pressure, it's getting talked into something that I'm not comfortable with... like the way I left the shopping centre or the way that I... I don't know... it's the going along with something... okay... okay... then - NO. I don't want to share everything. I don't want to be everything to anyone and I don't anyone to be that for me, either. I just don't. I don't know why. Maybe it's fear of giving someone ammunition... no, back to that again... it's loss of control. I want that control. I need the control. Wow, my concept of what I want has changed a lot! I used to think that a man could change my world, make everything good and happy. I guess it was the realization that that could never happen.

So, why do I need the control? What will happen if I don't have control? Blah, blah, shrink bullshit! I just don't want to have anyone tell me what to do, I don't want anyone to say that I "should" do this or that. Yes, please, offer your advice. But let me decide if I want to take it or not. Why can't that be okay? Maybe it's just not okay with Ian and it would be with someone else. Maybe I can't find that with anyone... does that mean that I should stay? Because otherwise I will be alone? Not me, baby. Not me. But is that a big enough/valid enough reason to leave?

OMG!

So we talked a lot last night... we both cried and got mad and were sorry but, bottom line: I'm leaving. And I don't mean that in a bad way. I'm not angry, I just feel that this is the right thing for both of us. I want to be on my own and he needs to be with someone who can be what he needs. I will never be what he needs - it's just not possible.

I'm a little afraid of telling him (not afraid, I just dread it!) but I have been looking at condos online and just applied for a mortgage pre-approval. I'm freaking out!! But excited, too.

My personalDNA Report

Is it sabotage?

The thought came to me a few minutes ago that I am pretty much sabotaging my relationship with Ian. I haven't determined whether or not I want to change that but I definately am creating problems that aren't totally there... making a mountain out of a mole hill, if you will.

This realization in part stemmed from this "PersonalityDNA" test that I just did. It gives you the level of your personality traits and here's what mine said:

Confidence 78%
Openness 6%
Extroversion 94%
Empathy 4%
Trust in others 56%
Agency (belief that you control your life and not some higher power) 88%
Masculinity 66%
Femininity 6%
Spontaneity 48%
Attention to style 58%
Authoritarianism 88%
Earthy/Imaginative 100% earthy
Aesthetic/Functional 94% Aesthetic


Openness 6%! And Empathy only 4%? That can't be good! It's not because I don't care, I guess it's because I don't trust that I won't get hurt so I'm not letting anyone in to get the chance. And I know that I have this problem... it's hard to explain but when I try to reach out to someone or ask for help (especially men for some reason... or perhaps it's when I am emotionally invested in the outcome), I half ask and then push them away when they don't answer in the manner that I want... most likely they don't know what I am saying but I only realize that after the shut-down. The other night, for example, Ian and I had a reasonably good afternoon with his mother and, when I kissed him goodnight I made a comment that he didn't come "tuck me in" anymore. Then I got this barage of crap about how I'm always jumping on everything he says and I'm not very nice to him, blah, blah (wow, if they included sensitivity, I would have gotten about .5%). And I waited for him to come in for an hour... and he didn't come in. I did not kiss him goodbye the next morning and I did not kiss him goodbye this morning and, while I did kiss him last night, I had to talk myself into it because I did not want to. In a way it looks like I am punishing him but I think it's more that I am not opening up to him anymore.

So, what does all this mean? I have no idea. Does it mean that I'm supposed to back off and put it all out there again? I don't want to have my heart trampled. Do I trust that he won't do that? Not really. And not because I think he is bad and would willingly hurt me but, when I put myself out there for someone, they had better be up to the task and I'm not really sure that he is anymore. I'm not confident that he is or that anyone else ever will be. He said that he would be there for me, he said that when I had my bad days he would give me my space and not give me any grief about it. I don't think that the amount of guilt that he gives me is "no grief". And I don't know if I want to pull in my horns and go it alone again or if I want to put myself out there for further possible damage. Yeah, so they say that it could turn out better but I'm not really a believer in that. Or maybe just not enough of a gambler that I am willing to take that chance. Or maybe I'm just using all of this as an excuse to validate the fact that I want to be on my own again.

And, if I'm going to be bluntly honest (because this is for me to read and no one else), I'm getting bothered by all kinds of other things now... the house is a dump, his teeth are yellow, he's so small and I'm so big it looks funny, I don't like the way that he blames everything that happens to him on something/someone else (which is pretty much the reverse of me), I don't like that he doesn't have a job, he gets sweaty and smelly when he sleeps, his hair is puffy, he has no bum, he is way too dependant on pot and beer, he's silly and weird... now I'm just grasping at straws, though.

I don't want to ask permission to see my friends; I don't want to be told what to eat, when to eat, how to eat; I don't want to have to consider someone else's feelings when I speak or when I want to be by myself for a while; I don't want to deal with someone else's moods and needs and problems. God, I am such a bitch... it really is all about me isn't it? And not necessarily in a good way. My low, low empathy score.

What a messed up girl I still am! I really had no idea! I honestly thought that I dealt with the depression and all of that other stuff was due to that problem and the whole world would be wonderful now. Wasn't my excuse for holding people at arms length all about my view of myself? And that has changed tremendously since the pills but I guess some things remain. After all of those years conditioning myself, I guess I have some more work to do in letting go. Or maybe I'm not messed up - maybe I'm inconsiderate and selfish and I only think of me, me, me.

But I still mainly just want to leave the situation and pretend that it never happened, there is nothing wrong with me... it's the rest of the world that's so fucked up! And the more I write the more I think that it's me that's fucked up - just not in the way I always thought. I don't think that it's because I'm afraid that I will get hurt... it's more like I'm afraid that I will hurt him because I don't know if I want to be with him anymore. Him. Not anyone. Him. And I might be using this little upset as a valid reason to walk away.

Email to Brenda

This is an email that I sent to my friend, Brenda, yesterday when she made the error of asking me how things were going! Poor Brenda - we have been out of touch for two years and I lay all this on her. Anyway...


Hi Brenda!

Blech! I'm having a poopy day... poopy month. Be careful what you ask... I have a feeling this is going to be a long email!! But I would love to have your opinion... you've always been such a good ear/shoulder!

I've been at odds with the main squeeze for a bit now and I'm trying to figure out what to do with my life. I met and dated Ian years ago... a couple of weeks after I left Karl in 2001, actually. We dated very casually for about 7 months and I stopped seeing him when I met the newfie, Fabian. You heard about the ups and downs of the whole Fabian saga over the years... we finally had a "shit or get off the pot" conversation last March and I decided that it was time to get off the pot - my feelings for him hadn't changed but I finally realized that nothing else was going to change, either, and we just wanted different things (i.e. he-sex, me-love).

Ian called in June last year and we went out to lunch and quickly started dating again. First, I should point out that I am quite different now inside (that's a longer story than anyone has time to read but maybe some day over a couple of beers!!), I am more confident in who I am and what I want, I like myself in a way that I never have before and, for the last year or two of living alone, I was happier than I have been since I was a little kid. And I really saw Ian differently this time than I had when we first met. I always thought that he was nice and funny but this time he kind of swept me off my feet and did all kinds of the things that I had always wanted a man to do: cooking for me, actually listening to the things that I said, going out of his way to do things for me. He also started saying the "L" word within about a month... which freaked me out a little but was flattering at the same time.

So, by mid-August he was badgering me to move in with him. I was there most of the time anyway so I kind of half moved in and stayed there every night but kept my own place, too (even though I rarely went there). Within about a month or so I was so frustrated with how things were going that I moved back to my place. It was too much, too soon and there was a lot of pressure to conform to his life and I really felt that I was losing mine. In addition to that, I had just finished redecorating my condo when we started dating and was absolutely IN LOVE with the place; his place was a house that a single man had lived in for 14 years or so, if you know what I mean (read:dump!). So, I went back to my place and we didn't communicate at all for a week because my dad was visiting and I didn't want to deal with it.

Things got somewhat back to normal after Dad left; I was still living at my place but spending a lot of time at his place. Ian's brother came to help him put down some new flooring in October and promptly took a chainsaw to Ian's couch because it was in such bad shape. So, of course, I decided that - seeing I was totally in love with him and we were going to be together forever anyway (!) - I would move most of my furniture down to his place and rent my place out. And that's what I did.

Fast forward to current times and I still love him (I think) but we are having serious problems and I am considering moving back to my place. I always tend to run when a problem arises (as I did in September) and that's why I am having so much trouble figuring out what to do. We have gotten a long pretty good over these months... however, I feel the need to point out that we have been stoned almost every evening and all weekends over these months. Godamn awesome BC greens! Good at the time but they cause me to have some serious mood swings. In May I decided that it was time for me to stop smoking it so much and get my shit back together. He continued to smoke it and eventually I got back into it... only on the weekends at first, and that turned into most every evening again. So here I am again, totally off the stuff and not getting back on it because I hate the waste that it turns my life into.

He still smokes it... and I find him irritating as hell all the time now. I get pissed off with him pretty much on a daily basis and the mood swings have caused me to be quite difficult to live with. Again, I will back track a bit here to tell you that I told him that I could be difficult to live with long before I ever moved in; I can be moody without the pot, too (except I am better able to control what I put out there when I am sober, of course). He was confident that he could deal with that and he was really good in the beginning by giving me my space and backing off when I needed him to. Now he just gives me guilt about it. Now he punishes me by either badgering the hell out of me when I don't want to do something that he wants to do or by ignoring me or withholding goodnight kisses and stupid stuff like that.

I also told him before I moved in that my personal time was extremely important to me and, during all of those years that I was alone and basically single (because Fabian and I were apart much more than we were together) I put a lot of work into developing a social life. [My very best friend, Stacey, is single and we spend a lot of time together - in 2005-2006 we went to a million concerts and plays and short trips and anything else that we could find to do (I even went bungee jumping if you can believe that!!) and I didn't want to give that up.] I get a guilt trip every time I want to spend time with my friends and when Stacey and I try to include him, he says that I ignore him and jump on everything he says (which is most likely right). I also get crap when I am on my computer in the evenings and not out in the living room with him or if I do my Sudoku puzzles instead of watching tv- even though I am next to him on the couch - or if I go out for supper or, god-forbid, I might want to go see a movie by myself (which is one of my absolute favorite things to do). My sister, Debra, moved to Victoria last June and I hardly get to see her because he never wants to go over there. I have been over a few times and she has been over here a few but we really haven't been able to spend time together as we had planned to do. She will be leaving BC in less than a year and I feel that I have hardly been able to see her - and she is my favorite person in the world. We had such big plans!

I will also mention that Ian doesn't work. He has diabetes and had a kidney transplant a couple of months before we started seeing each other last year. He is on disability but able to go back to work and periodically looks for a job but gets frustrated with it quite easily. He also has taken to getting stoned by noon every day and staying that way until he goes to bed; most nights he has a few beers, too. I go to bed at 10pm, he goes to bed after midnight; I get up by 6 or 7am, he gets up by noon. He's bored and lonely being by himself all day and maybe that's why I feel bad when I leave him alone. But I now I feel bad about it - and I feel pissed off. I feel like we barely even speak and, when we do, I get irritated with him very quickly. I hardly want to go home anymore. I keep fantisizing about my condo and how nice it was and how much I loved living alone. I lie awake in the night going over the good and the bad, the whys and the why nots and I don't know what to do. And I'm frustrated about that.

Oh, crap, Brenda. I hate this. Boys truely suck! Life is so much easier alone. Maybe I am spoiled by always being able to do what I want and when I want. I am a control freak after all and I lose my mind when someone tries to control me, even if it is only by making me feel guilty for something that I should have no reason to feel guilty about. And I know I am getting more and more difficult to live with because of that. It's causing a vicious circle and I am spinning. It's 6pm here now and, even though the office closes at 4:30, I don't want to leave work. I don't want to deal with it anymore, I just want to pack up and sneak out in the middle of the night. Like I said, I tend to run.

But of course I have to talk to him about this. I don't know if I am more afraid of ending the relationship or of letting him convince me to stay. I wanted to leave Karl for 4 of our 5 years together and I won't do that again... I just don't have that kind of time to spare now! So, dear Ann Landers, help! Actually, just writing this out makes it pretty clear what I want to do. I just don't want to hurt him. And I love him and I love our dog and his family and now I am bawling my face off which makes me think that maybe I don't want to leave. Argh!! I miss being alone but part of me wonders if I am glorifying that as well. Gee... do I sound confused to you? Now are you sorry that you asked how it's going? Never expected this book in reply, did you?

Anyway, thanks for letting me vent. I will figure it out or it will work itself out in time. Now I guess I should go home. Sigh.

Love ya xxx

Things are getting worse

Well, things seem to have gotten worse instead of better over the weekend. Not in my brain but in my home. Ian and I are barely speaking and I am trying to figure out what I want to do next... do I fight for us or do I leave? My tenants haven't paid their rent yet this month so it's a perfect opportunity to reclaim my space. If only I could make a decision.

I feel like I did when I was with Karl in a way... and I have no intention of waiting for five years before I move on. But Karl was such an ass and Ian is not. Well, maybe he is, just in a different way. He's sofa-king irritating sometimes. Such a child! But I knew that when I moved in. Another interesting thing that keeps popping into my head is that I have been stoned for most of our relationship... and that really seems like the only time I like him anymore. Yes, he's a good person for the most part, I love our dog, I like his family, I kinda love our home but is it enough?

Do I want to spend my life feeling like I have to explain every time I have a bad day? And did I have this many bad days before? I don't think so but pot and not Ian is to blame for that (I think!). Do I want to always feel guilty for being on my computer or going out with my friends or working late or just wanting to be alone? Do I want to hear him bitch about how I'm wasting food when he buys things that I just don't want to eat? Do I want to live in the dump of a house with it's stupid striped wall? Do I want to be with a guy who smokes pot and drinks beer all day long? I don't want to get in the car with him when he's high... I don't like his driving at the best of times. And sure we have fun. Yes, I love the guy... but everytime that enters my mind "I think" follows fast.

And if I do leave, what do I take? Do I leave everything with him and start over again? I gave so much stuff away! I could look at it as a redecorating opportunity but that's gonna cost so much money! But it could be so much fun!!! And when I picture myself back in my place, I wonder if I will be devistated? Will I regret leaving? Because once I go there is no turning back. When I left Karl there were so many exciting doors opening for me... so much to do. Would it be going backward? And why can't I be alone? Why is it such a bad thing? I just have no time for all of this crap.

I don't know how I got to this point so fast. Wasn't I just gushing over him last week (when I was stoned!)? We have been having problems for a couple of months on and off but I think now it's reached the point where we have to either get it together or walk away. And it is my nature to walk away. I know (think!) he will fight me on it but nothing will change. I told him, warned him, in the beginning. He either didn't believe me or thought that he could handle it. I don't think that he can handle it - I doubt that anyone can. He has become like any/every one else and just hates me because of the moods. I'm not saying that I blame him - I would never put up with it either - but he told me that he would understand, that he would give me space, that he would let me work it out the way I need to and that he would be there when I was ready. It doesn't happen that way.

What do I want? I want it both... I'm selfish enough to admit that I want to have him when I want him and to not have him when I don't want him. And I'm selfless enough to know that I should let him go.

Hold on or let go?

Fuck I hate this. I hate being this fucking mental person who looks so damn ordinary on the outsite. Bev, you're so funny. I think at least three people said this to me today. Bev, always smiling, always happy. Bev, the ray of sunshine.

I was standing in the bathroom this morning, crying my eyes out while I was brushing my teeth and trying to figure out how the hell I could make it through another day... and I started thinking that I could make it look like an accident. All of these years I have been on this planet because I would never hurt someone so much as to think that they could have helped me and just didn't do enough... because that is obviously not the case. No one can save me... maybe not even me. So if it was an accident, sure they would miss me and sure they would cry but it wouldn't ruin anyone's life. And what would it matter, anyway? I've touched people's lives, I've made a difference but I don't have kids, I don't have family that doesn't have other family... I could just be someone people once knew.

But, of course, I won't. I will sit here and suffer. I wish I could stop this hurt. God, if only something were wrong! But nothing is wrong. My life is exactly how I always wanted it to be. That is so sad.

How did I get here again? Why can't I make it stop? Seriously... what the fuck do I have to do? I don't want to know anymore. Knowing hurts so much more than not knowing. I used to have something/someone to blame it on... and now it's only me. I think that I don't like knowing also because now I know that I can't get away from it. I can't move and everything will be wonderful. I can't get a new job/boyfriend/girlfriend/car/life... it follows me where ever I go - and I can't FUCKING make it stop.

I don't want anyone else to know anymore, either. I hate talking about it so matter-of-fact now. They nod as if they understand... I know they try, I know they care, I know they love me but it doesn't help. It doesn't stop it. At this moment I can only see one way of making it stop and that will never happen. So I have to struggle through. But I'm really starting to not want to. I'm hopeless and I don't know where to turn.

And so I'm this bitch. I'm driving Ian crazy, I know. Nothing he does is good enough. I swing and I swing and he either gets the fun me or the cold shoulder or a smart ass remark and I'm sure that, moment to moment, he has no idea what is coming next. It struck me the other day that living with him makes this real. When I was alone I could have my little fit or burst into tears and no one knew, no one got hurt, no one had any idea how much of a freak I am. And if no one knows that means it didn't happen. And if it didn't happen then I wasn't a mental case... just funny Bev.

When I was alone I didn't have anyone to answer to, either, and, good or bad as it might be to say this, it was easier to be alone. If I needed to sit and be a zombie, I just did. I once bawled my face off on my closet floor for hours and hours and it didn't matter because no one knew. If I needed to be alone, I was alone. If I needed to be near someone I called a friend or went to a movie. I was in total control; I didn't have to share my feelings, I didn't have to worry about hurting someone else's feelings, I didn't have to get even more upset when I was trying to share my feelings and couldn't communicate it in a way that was understood. I didn't have to worry about anything but me and making it through the day.

Now I work too much and he's lonely, I'm on the computer and he's jealous, I don't feel like eating and he's frustrated, I eat too much and he's preaching, I don't want to go for a walk and he's pissed off, I want to be alone and he's hurt. And he's such a great guy, such a good person... it just makes it worse because now I have the tears and self-hatred and the struggle to cope with the simplest thing and I get a good dose of guilt mixed in.

So what do I do? Who can help me? I honestly don't think that talking to a professional will make any difference. Yeah, I need to eat better and get more exercise. Stop the fucking pot obviously. But I really can't remember... did I swing back and forth so much when I was on my own? Is that the answer? Ah... boo fuckin' hoo. Christ. JUST STOP ALREADY. Please, just stop.

I don't want this anymore. I don't want to go home. I don't want to work. I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to think about it. I don't want anything anymore except to make it stop.

I can't wait to figure out what's wrong with me...

"I can't wait to figure out what's wrong with me
so I can say this is the way I used to be."
- John Mayer

Why?

Seriously... can someone explain this to me already??????????????

The Conversation

I had this great idea to photoshop a pic with Sheena and David Bowie to put on a t-shirt for her birthday... but that program is harsh and I couldn't figure it out so I asked for help. He says don't worry about it, I will do it for you and then he said that I should call him to discuss... I deleted the email and hotmail dropped it but this is the conversation that followed...

Me: Thanks a lot... I appreciate your help because I am really excited about this gift but it's much harder than I thought it would be! You made it look so damn easy! So, Sheena is a crazy David Bowie fan and I thought that it would be neat to put her in a pic with him and put it on a t-shirt (I already talked to the people at Dog's Ear and it's surprisingly easy... once you have the pic!). I scanned a picture of Sheena hanging on to a guy like a fool and then I went online and found a David Bowie pic that I think will fit good. I just want David's head where the other guy's head is. What do you think? Simple? Impossible? Somewhere in between??

He: I'll do your idea and try a cpl of my own,what size were you thinking?My pc is running a cleaning utility right now so I will have to wait till it is finished but I'll do it.

Me: I don't know about the size... it will be going on the front of a t-shirt... 5x7 I guess because it's in the landscape layout... the Dog's Ear chick said to just print it onto a piece of paper and they could transfer it onto the shirt... they will crop it, too, if neccessary. How are you liking your new place? All settled in yet?

He: I did a quick one for you.....a few mistakes still in it but will work on it
tomorow after work.

He: A phone call would have been easier! I am loving my own space,should have done it a long time ago.i do miss kirk,chewy and the kids but I get out to langley every week so its an adjustment.I am really liking the 10 mion walk to work....who knew? So I will ask....how are things with you? You moved? Married yet?

Me: OMG... that's awesome! It looks so good! She's gonna flip!!!
Yes, a phone call would have been easier... but I don't think Ian would appreciate walking in and hearing me giggling on the phone with you... he knows our history and he knows how I feel about you. I want to keep in touch with you but I would never want to make him doubt me. I'm glad you are liking your own place... you said you were moving to Burnaby... are you working from the depot there now? We moved in last fall... not married but I expect it will probably happen at some point. Who knows what life has in store? I could get hit by a bus tomorrow! :-)

He: Enough said!I do wish all the best for you Bev.
P.S you won't get hit by a bus......as long as you have started paying attention
to the road!....just kidding.

And that's it! Is he going to finish the pic? Was he going to do it because he thought that I would blow him off or something? And now he's not because he knows that's not going to happen? Should I call him? Do I want to call him? Do I fucking care? Arg!

EPILOGUE: I called him last night... first time we spoke in more than a year. I was weird but oddly comfortable. He said that he will finish the pic... no email yet today but I guess I should be patient.

EPI-EPILOGUE: Yep, still nothing. Whatever. I used the messed up one and got exactly the reaction that I wanted - she loved it. I sent him an email and said thanks, it was a success. This is what he sent back...

He: Your welcome Bev,and I have to say it was nice to be able to chat with you
again.Say thanks to Ian for being decent about it,its nice of him.There arent a
lot of people that I get to have a decent gab with.

And that's why I have a new he. Mofo.

Muther father!

Mother fucker mother fucker mother fucker is what I really want to say. Godamnit! Is this never going to end? I'm sitting here and I just don't want to do any work. I blamed it on Facebook for the last couple of weeks/months but I don't want to look at Facebook anymore, either. I'm still teetering... on the edge... I think that I have control of it but whatthefuck? Rationally, I know that the pills keep me from jumping off the edge... that whole Claritan thing showed me life without them again. But I'm not doing anything for myself this way. But that's all I want to do... I want to sit on the couch and smoke dope and eat crap then I want to go to bed and get up and do it again. Is this what I'm looking for in my life? I'm hating the mirror again, I'm fat fat fat (seems as long as I don't go past my heaviest I think that it's okay to keep eating like I do), I don't want to work, I don't want to go out, I don't want to walk. I have a bad case of the Idontwannas and it's time for it to stop. Tomorrow. Maybe next Monday. Mother fucker.

Ah, my good friend... blahg!

I'm back and I'm me again. I had a serious crash... down for a couple of days. I was right... I was right. Stupid Claritan... won't interact, my aunt fanny! Well it did so I stopped taking them and I feel like me again. And that's sooooo nice. All in all, I think that was probably a good experience... it's good to go back to where you came from to realize where you are. I can't believe that I lived like that for all of those years.

My Horoscope - April 27, 2007

Scorpio
October 23 - November 21
You always suspected that your job was making you crazy, but it never occurred to you that it could make you sick as well. Is it really worth it, dear Scorpio? This is the question you may be asking yourself today. You are fortunate to have talents that apply to several professions. Why not take a closer look at what those other professions are? One way or another, it is clear that change is coming. You may as well direct the manner in which it occurs.

Is it possible to love two people at the same time?

Is it possible to love two people at the same time? I heard this question the other day. I rolled my eyes and said ah – YES! It was his birthday the other day and I sent him an online card. Two hours later I got an email from him “It really means a lot to me to hear from you blah blah blah”.

What is it with men, anyway? I don’t think I will ever get it. Rog says you are truly one of my favorite people on the planet. Then why did you get married to someone else while you were fucking me? Fucking me – ha… in more ways than one, I guess. They are all the same… so full of shit. I’m always the one – so special, the one that got away, more like the one that sat there oh so available that they had no problem looking past.

I guess it’s funny that I am finally getting this attitude. After all my years of “it’s okay if you can’t love me” crap. No, it’s not okay. I mean it’s okay for you, go ahead and do what you gotta do but I’m not the girl that will be here for you to wipe your feet on when you need it. Or wipe your dick on, I probably should say. But that’s mostly my fault. I was so fucked up, so fucked up with all of them. Is it a coincidence that I found such a great guy just after I get my shit together? I think not.

Mental

Okay... I'm back in the land of the living. Slight mental breakdown for the past couple of days. I could see it coming, though, couldn't I? Maybe I'm getting better at this. Unfortunately, not so much better that I can stop the little fuckers. Ian doesn't agree - because it would ruin his favorite pastime - but I think the pot is a bad thing with these meds. I haven't done it since Sunday but it was coming long before that. I feel better today than I have in so so long. I have to say, though... having Ian there made so much difference. I was bawling my face off and trying to work myself up to calling Joe to let him know that I wouldn't be in and I couldn't... I just couldn't... I couldn't speak... I was wrecked... so I went in and woke Ian and he was so sweet, so considerate, so gentle, so caring, so understanding. I have never been able to let anyone see me in that state. I am sofa-king lucky... it knocks me off my feet.

The Future

Ian's divorce was finalized on Saturday. He says that, as far as he's concerned, he's been divorced since January 7th, 1997. But it is a big deal for me. So we had "the talk" about the future. It was more like me saying that I don't want to talk about it... and him making a smart ass remark like "does this mean I have to marry you now?" All I could get out - I HATE talking about this kind of stuff, I know we have a future, why do I have to be such a girl sometimes? - I said "we've just never talked about our future." He said that we will be together when our pubes turn grey and fall out. Isn't that romantic???

Control Freak!

It's official! The quiz wouldn't lie, baby!

You Are 80% Control Freak

You are a pretty major control freak, though you may not know it. While your confidence is inspiring, your bossy ways tend to scare people off.

Are You A Control Freak?

Understanding Depression -- What Are the Symptoms?

And it’s not like I want to blame everything on this condition… well, I guess I do want to blame the parts of my personality that I don’t like on it. But it’s more than that.

Understanding Depression -- What Are the Symptoms?

For major depression, you may experience five or more of the following for at least a two-week period:
· Persistent sadness, pessimism.
· Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, helplessness or hopelessness.
· Loss of interest or pleasure in usual activities, including sex.
· Difficulty concentrating and complaints of poor memory.
· Insomnia or oversleeping.
· Weight gain or loss.
· Fatigue, lack of energy.
· Anxiety, agitation, irritability.
· Thoughts of suicide or death.
· Slow speech; slow movements.
· Headache, stomachache and digestive problems.

Of the 11 symptoms here (from the WebMD site), I currently have at least five. Prior to medication, I had all of them at one time or another. I remember when I first started taking the drugs; my life was pure hell due to the extreme ups and downs and the learning curve. I went back to the doctor to increase my meds. When I was still having problems and my doctor wanted me to start even more medication, I decided to try exercising and eating right as a supplement instead of more pills. And it worked. I was there. Was that temporary? Is the way I am feeling right now more consistent with who I am? I don’t think so.

I think, and I know I’ve said this before, I have to take better care of the stuff that I can control. I need to exercise and eat better. It’s the only way. The drugs are keeping me off the closet floor but that’s not enough. I expect more from myself, from my life. I don’t want to struggle like this for the rest of my life. I don’t want to let my work pile up around me while I try to find a way to cope with the simplest basic things. For a long time now I have been recognizing the depression only when I am uncontrollably crying but that’s not the only problem. I realize that this is something that is with me to a certain degree no matter what I do but I’m the only one who can control it. And I am a control freak so control it I will!

Outburst

Here is an email that I just sent to Ian to explain my little freak-out... I feel better now.

"Sorry I got bitchy... I was getting a little worried because you weren't answering anything. The BIGGEST fear in my life is that something might happen to you. I know I'm silly and I know that if it does I will just have to live with it but it's on my mind a lot. My little "balance of life" theory tells me that all of these wonderful things in my life can't last forever so I'm kind of waiting for everything to fall apart again. So sometimes I might sound like a bitch but it's usually out of love and concern... and sometimes I'm just being a bitch. Your job as the man is to try and figure out which is which. Good luck to you, my friend!! There... I said it out loud... well in writing... I'm a big baby... laugh away at the silly girl. And now I'm crying at work... I'm a freak... a silly freak!! Stop laughing!!!!! xxx"

Argh!!

Motherfucker! All of a sudden I feel like ripping someone's head off... for absolutely no reason at all. It's like I just snapped! Maybe I am manic... maybe I should re-evaluate the whole depression thing. But most likely not... I get cranky but I'm more of a hiding in the closet kind of person than freaking out and screaming my head off. And yet... I didn't believe the whole depression thing at first either. Maybe it's time to look deeper.

The hardest part about all of this is figuring out what's me and what's the depression. Maybe it's time for me to accept that I am both at the same time. But if I get pissed off quickly like this for no reason... am I just having a bad day? And when is it a bad day and not the other? I am skittish and unfocused and I don't want to work and I don't want to eat and I don't want to talk to anyone. Am I really just a bitch? Deep deep down? I feel that I am more and more. I hear myself talking to Ian sometimes and I feel like slapping myself! This is so frustrating.

What else is new baby?

Chubby Chuberston

I can not believe that I didn't link my recent weight re-gain to defecting from my gym. That doesn't make sense. Okay, I linked it to not going to the gym but only indirectly. A + B = C

In the prime of my health, 2005, I used to go to the gym every weekday at 5am. Then home, shower, work. Then work got busy and I started going to the office at 5am instead. Fast forward two years later... I have gained about 20 lbs. I was talking to Stacey earlier today and I was saying that I couldn't pin-point how/when/why I gained all of this weight back... maybe when I started seeing Ian but, no, that was last June and I was already well on my way then. Maybe when Fabian and I decided to finally end it but, no, I'm pretty sure I was off track then, too. So maybe it all started when I quit smoking in the summer of 2005 but, no, that was when I was in my prime. Holy shit! I stopped going to the gym in the morning and all that weight snuck up on me again. And then I just started inviting it in.

So, what does that revelation mean? I was thinking that I would start going to the gym again but I did pay for a membership for a full year without actually showing up. And we have all of this equipment at home. Why don't I start going for walks/jogs/do something here and then, when I get in the habit, we'll see. I have to do something. I'm sick of being so lazy. I'm sick of being so fat. I'm sick of being embarrased. I'm sick of it all. It's time. The sun is shining... the birds are chirping... it's time for me to get back in the game!

Love/Hate List

You know, there's a lot of things that I like about my life right now. Unfortunately, some of the things that I love about my life right now are also the things that I hate about my life right now. [okay, hate is a pretty strong word... let's take it all in context, shall we?]

The Love/Hate List

• sparkin' up a doobie at 10:00 on a Sunday morning
• eating whatever I want, whenever I want
• taking my dog for walks
• memories of he
• navy blue walls... with pink blinds???
• the similarities between me and Ian
• the differences between me and Ian

To My Wonderful Nephew, Brandon

March 11, 2007

To my wonderful nephew, Brandon!

Here is a poem that I wrote when I was 16…

I feel the loneliness
Building inside me
Turning
Crashing down
I can’t find a way out

I feel I should
construct a wall
to hide me
from the world
and take away this pain

I feel like crying
But the tears
won’t spill out
the anger and confusion
out weigh the sorrow

I feel I could let go
And scream
Until my throat hurts
As much as my heart does
At this moment

I feel like hating
Everything and everyone
I don’t know why
It’s all building up
I can’t take the weight off my shoulders

I feel like hiding
From my upset
I don’t want to face it
Not now
Not ever

Why did I think
Life would be easy?


Sheena told me that you are posting on the fiction press website. I often go on the site to read her stories and this morning I read your poems. I hope you aren’t mad at her; she didn’t tell me anything other than the name that you are using but I guess she was worried about you and she thought that I could help. I wanted to share my poem with you in the hope that it would show you that you are not alone and I understand the things that you are feeling.

I know that you are aware of our family’s little curse called depression. A couple of years ago I mentioned to your mother that I thought I was seeing signs of it in you and I believe that you both have discussed it but I want to tell you a bit about my experience.

I want to share some things with you that are very personal and I am going to trust that you will keep much of this confidential. I talk about this with my family and with maybe four of my closest friends that I know will love me no matter what. It’s not that I am embarrassed about my depression but some people look at you differently when they know. Sometimes people knowing is a good thing… like with Ian because he can see that sometimes I need to be alone and sometimes I need a hug. I don’t discuss this with Sheena because she lives with Joe, who is my boss, and I don’t want him to know. I guess I don’t tell most people because I want them to see me and not this depression. And sometimes it’s frustrating to deal with the people that don’t “get it”. I don’t feel that I need people to understand but I do need the people around me to accept it and not turn it against me. It takes a while but eventually you figure out who those people are. Feel free to tell anyone around you about the things that I am going to tell you, I just ask that you not discuss it with the people out here.

For most of my life I had no idea that there was something wrong with me. I thought that I was going through the same teenage angst that my friends were going through. I had days that I felt good about myself but, for the most part, I thought that I was pretty useless and ugly and fat and worthless. Sometimes I doubted these bad feelings but most of the time I felt this was a fact, I was crap… I just wasn’t worthy of people caring about me. But the really funny part was that I thought all of these bad things about myself but I didn’t want anyone else to figure it out. It was almost as if I told them how I felt about myself that they would go “you know, you’re right - you are crap” and not like me anymore.

I have always been quite guarded with my feelings. On the bad days I couldn’t talk about it and on the good days I didn’t want to. I smiled and kept up my “life of the party” image. I didn’t act out much as a teenager because I didn’t want to stand out, I just wanted to blend in with everyone else so no one would know. I didn’t really get close to people either; you can’t really let people in if you are afraid of what they will find. When I had a crush on some guy, I liked them until they liked me... then I didn’t like them anymore because I thought something had to be wrong with them if they liked me. Some people might think that’s pretty twisted but that was how my brain worked. I know now that not talking about this stuff was my biggest mistake. I had no reason to doubt these bad things that I felt because no one could ever say that it wasn’t true. I felt so strongly that I was right that I never gave anyone the opportunity to tell me that I was wrong.

Not knowing where the feelings were coming from, I always found a reason for them… I was too fat, what ever boy that I was currently crushing on didn’t love me back, I didn’t have enough money, I felt sick, I hated school or my job or whatever. There were a million excuses and I spent a life time trying to fix what was causing the hurt… I changed jobs, changed boyfriends, changed homes, over and over and over… until I realized that it had to be me. But depression? I saw the commercials on tv, I read the articles in magazines… they said that if you lost interest in the things that you used to enjoy that you should talk to someone. That didn’t apply to me. I was like this my whole life.

In October of 2003 I was thrown from a horse and hit my head. My doctor prescribed pain killers but I didn’t take them. I think it was about three weeks later that I accepted the fact that I was saving them up so that I could take them all at once. That was one of the hardest days of my life because that was the day that I realized that I needed help (and I really, really hate asking for help!). I started taking an antidepressant medication that has changed my life in more ways than I can measure.

But so much much more than medication, the biggest healing came from talking to a therapist. He was the one that figured it all out, actually. One day I was telling him a story and said something about not wanting to get out of bed for a week and he said that wasn’t normal behavior. But how could it not be? I had lived like that for my whole life and I saw other members of my family behave the same way. I thought everyone had times like that but they just didn’t talk about it… like me. So we started digging deeper. I think it was okay to tell him my feelings because he wasn’t my family, he wasn’t my friend… I could handle it if he found out what a waste of a human being that I was. And he helped me accept that I wasn’t a waste, that I was worthy. I learned to love myself and, so much harder, I learned to let people love me… the real me. I am happier than I ever thought possible, happier than I ever thought I deserved.

Now I can look back and know that all of the tears and heartache from my youth did not stem from my worthlessness. My worthlessness was, in fact, a byproduct of my depression. In some ways, the fact that you know that your feelings are caused by depression can be a great benefit to you. But, in other ways, I think it could become a disadvantage. I guess it depends on how you look at it and what you do about it. If you let the feelings of depression become a crutch, you could sit back for your whole life and blame everything bad that ever happens to you on your illness. But that won’t make you happy or fulfilled or give you a feeling of self worth. The happiness and self worth will come from struggling against it. It will come from knowing that you have this hurdle to face and believing that you have the strength within you to overcome.

I know it probably doesn’t feel like you have that strength yet but you can and you will. The easiest thing to do when you start feeling down is to sink into it and let it swallow you. I still have bad days when all I want to do is push everyone away and crawl under the blankets until the bad feelings go away. And sometimes that’s exactly what I do. But that only makes it worse. Your writing will be quite good for you. It’s an outlet to express what is going on inside you and exploring the things that are going on in your mind. And you really are good at it. If you keep it up you will eventually feel more comfortable putting your feelings down on paper. Don’t berate yourself or talk down to yourself. There will be enough people in your life that will try to do that for you. If you believe it, it will only hurt you. Know that you are an amazing person. You have so much to offer the world; don’t ever doubt that.

You have a head start now, Brandon. You are so much further ahead of the game than your mother and I were at your age, and you are worlds ahead of your grandfather. It’s hard but you need to remember that the things that go through your mind when you are down are not coming from you, they are being caused by disruptions in the neurotransmitters in your brain (or whatever the correct medical terminology is!!). This is different than people who suffer from depression that is not caused by genetics. These people get depressed because of events that happen, they have a specific reason to be down; someone they love dies or they lose their job or a million other reasons. Our bad feelings do not always have a specific reason. And sometimes the reason is different than we think it is. I’m not saying that your experiences and upsets aren’t valid, I’m just asking that you try to find a positive way to deal with them.

The answer is never never never (did I say never??) suicide or hurting yourself. Trying to stop the pain in that way offers absolutely no benefit. It doesn’t help you deal with your problems, it doesn’t fix what is wrong. The only thing it could do is devastate the people who love you. Ian’s brother committed suicide when he was a young adult. His family was crushed and his mother will never recover. Suicide is an extremely selfish act. If you feel that you want to hurt yourself, I beg you to reach out to someone. Even if you don’t care about you, you need to care about your mother, care about me and everyone else who loves you; you need to look for help. Honestly, I think that you are a very loving person and you are too considerate of others to try to end your life but sometimes the pain is hard to take and we look for a way out. Promise me that you will look for a different way.

When you are down the best things that you can do for yourself are difficult to deal with when you feel like you can’t deal with anything but they will always, always help… be around people that make you laugh, get exercise, take Holly for a walk, DDR until you can’t take it anymore! Just do something. And it’s HARD, so hard to do, but it will make the bad parts pass much faster. You might want to talk to your mother about medication. Most doctors don’t like to prescribe antidepressants to teens but it might be an option if things get bad and you feel that you can’t cope.

The most important thing that I can tell you is to understand and BELIEVE BELIEVE BELIEVE that the pain will pass. It really will. There is nothing that you will ever go through, good or bad, that will not ease with time. Even if you someday find yourself at the end of your rope, know that you do have the strength to get through it. Ask for help, talk to someone (I’m available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week), hug your dog, lie in bed and pull the covers over your head… do what you need to do to survive and it will pass… I promise. I will always be here for you and you can tell me anything - and anything that you tell me will stay with me and only me. I want you to feel that you can talk to me about these things but, if you don’t want to, I will understand that, too. Just do what you need to do… and be happy… you deserve it!

Brandon, we are connected by blood but I feel more than that with you. I think of you as my nephew and as my friend. I see a lot of myself in you, I see a lot of your mother in you and I feel a bond with you that will never weaken. You are a fantastic person, you are fun to be around, you are handsome, you are smart, you have a good heart and I love you. I love you – UNCONDITIONALLY – no matter what.

From your favorite aunt,
Bev xxx

Our Deepest Fear

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory... that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

- by Marianne Williamson
(religious references have been removed)


I love this poem/quote. It was a fear... I always had to look at the person next to me... and I would never surpass what that person was doing. So afraid of standing out. Now look at me - a leader/boss/mentor/friend. I love this me! Sound egotistical? I'm okay with that. I don't think that I'm a stupid waste of space any more. I used to wonder why bosses (for instance) would say such positive things about me in reviews and what-not. I just figured that they said really nice things about everyone. Now I think that it was because I do good work. I'm smart. I got my shit together. Most of the time. As far as anyone else can see. People look up to me now... maybe they always did and I just couldn't grasp that.

Facebook sucks... up all your time cuz it's awesome!

Can you believe this? It's almost 2pm and I have actually accomplished a bit of work - teeny weeny little bit. Because that damn Facebook is driving me crazy! I love it!! It's probably like the Sims... at first it sucks up all of your time... absolute time vacuum... then it levels out and you are just like a normal person again. Just like one. Kinda. As much as I could ever be.

That's funny. My whole life I would cry and think "I just want to be normal". And now I am normal. I'm still weird, I'm still odd, I'm still fat, I'm still me but now I am normal.

It's hard for me to go back there... in my brain, I mean. Back to that time when I was mental. But I can look back now and know that I was right... I knew there was something wrong with me. I just didn't know what it was. Clinical depression. That's hilarious! Don't you know that I'm the life of the party? When I can get out of bed and go to the party.

I Don't Want to Work

I don't want to work. I don't want to work. I don't want to work. I want to be a stay at home mom but I don't want to have kids. Does my dog count? So sleepy! I think it's Monday again.

Yeah, I know... boo hoo! I actually quite love my job. It's a mish-mash of this and that. I prefer the crazy busy going-out-of-your-mind challenge days but there aren't many of those since I got two extra people to help. Now it's little itty-bitty details. Balance this account, find out why this isn't right, pay this bill. Blech.

It doesn't much help that most of the time I want to string my boss up! He's really a great guy. He's taught me a lot, he's helped me a lot, he's generous and kind... but irritating! Fuckin' micro-manage me, buddy. You'll get a swift kick.

Okay, be nice! Get over it and get to work. It ain't goin anywhere until it gets done so I'm really only procrastinating. But it's one of my special talents! And I do it so well...

My New Journal

I’ve had a journal for most of my life. My first real journal began when I was 15 and my life went haywire and I landed flat on my head. It’s kind of fun/sad to read now because I see that girl who was sooooo so messed up and I still hurt for her. But I wrote to work out the mess in my brain; I wrote to find some reason, some answer to my unhappiness. Sadly, the answers that I found were wrong but it did placate me at the time.

And so I wrote. And I wrote. And I wrote some more. And then I burned it all. How could I not? Most of it was demonic musings of a psycho teenage girl and then worse musings of a woman on the edge of … of… anyway, I could never let someone see the mad ravings! Probably because, if you read what was actually written, you would see: Boo hoo! Why doesn’t (insert name here) want me? If you read between the lines, however, you would see: Help me stop hating myself!

So I periodically threw the books in the fire. People said that I would regret it – and they were right to a degree – but I still wouldn’t want someone to read them after I was gone and think that I was that person. Not many people are able to find meaning beyond the words. But I continued to write because I found it an outlet that I could use to vent about all of the bad, and sometimes good, things that I was living through. Then one day I realized that it was causing more problems than it was solving.

I would sit at home alone and write and cry and drink and write and cry. I would then inevitably go send some stupid drunken email to whatever man was currently ruining my life. And then I would feel good… conflict discovered, conflict deleted. And then morning would come. Oooops! I eventually realized that my journals had turned into a way for me to get worked up. Oh, the tears and the frustration and the absolute blah, blah, blah.

However - and this is the reason that we are all here right now - I miss it. I miss writing. I miss recording my life. It’s nice sometimes to go back and see where you were and how far you’ve come and I’ve lost that. I decided that I would like to write again. But – new problem – I don’t live alone anymore. I don’t think that it would be fair to write down all of these personal thoughts and observations and not expect Ian to be curious enough to take a peek. And I really don’t think that I will be writing anything that I wouldn’t want him to see because he knows me better than anyone ever has but there are things that sneak into my brain every so often that he doesn’t need to know.

So, here I sit… here I write. I have a journal that I can pull out whenever and wherever I want (within reason!!), it’s private and I will feel free to be who I am… whoever that might be at any specific time. Hold on… this is gonna be fun!