Well then! It's been over a month since I wrote in here. Still seeing Fabe. Still going well, too, for the most part. Still reading these self help books that would drive him crazy but they are making a huge difference.

I read "He's Just Not That into You" or something along those lines. It was really interesting because it was written by a man. And the main lesson is if he's into you, nothing will stop him from being with you. Not past relationships, not crappy childhoods, not issues with mother. And I guess what it made me realize is that I was spending all of my time making excuses for Fabe's behavior instead of realizing that I (we) were just moving too fast in the beginning and it was causing us to hit a wall and come to a dead stop.

So now I'm reading another "Mars & Venus" book called "Mars & Venus On a Date". I found the first to be really helpful in understanding the male/female psyche but it wasn't telling me what I needed to know for the start of a relationship. This one really has. For one thing, I give way too much away too soon. I never let Fabian (or anyone else) chase me. I jumped right in to trying to be everything for them right away. I remember one point when I was really pissed off about having to not show my true self. I said I would do the same thing for any guest, make sure they had a toothbrush, cook meals, etc so why the hell do I have to pretend to be something I'm not because men took it the wrong way? Well, our Dr. Gray simply says - yes. You have to not put it all out there right away. That's it, too bad. What I didn't consider, I guess, was that my intentions didn't necessarily come through as I meant them. I have to consider less of what I mean and more of what they see.

He also talks about the five stages of dating... let's see if I can remember them: 1. attraction, 2. uncertainty, 3. exclusivity, 4. intimacy and 5. engagement. So, Fabe and I go from attraction to intimacy, I then assume exclusivity, then uncertainty then break up, go back to intimacy and start the cycle again. We've never really dated. We didn't go through the point where he is supposed to pursue me. And I guess I've always had a bit of a problem with that. I guess I've always had this thing where I don't need a man. I can take care of myself so I never let him pay for our dates and hold open the door for me, blah, blah. Apparently that's an important step fro a man. Who knew?

Things have been going really well and he's really making more of an effort now that I am not making myself so available but I still feel that we've skipped something. And obviously it's something that I really feel that I need because it's always a big part of why I break up with him. And maybe to avoid the old process again we should go back a bit. It's the courting part. The dating. We always skip that. I know he'll think I'm silly and I know that it will be hard but I'm already feeling the pressure of him being here too much and taking too much liberty with my home and my things.

The other day he was here when I wasn't. For a while. And, honestly, it bothered me because this is my space. Then I started thinking that, well, I gave him the key and it's not really right to put restrictions on that but is that how I really feel or is it easier to suppress my feelings than confront the issue? And there was a week or so that he was here constantly and it was really getting to be a bit much (so, you see? sometimes he does move faster than me!) He has backed off of that, though. I really should talk to him about the dating thing, though. How the hell am I supposed to do that??