It goes something like this:

"Fabian,

I have really enjoyed spending time with you over the past couple of months. It feels different this time. I am such a different person emotionally now and I appreciate you giving me the time and space that I needed to adjust.

This is not one of my old break-up letters. I still want to see you and only you but I feel that we are moving toward repeating old mistakes and I don't want to do that. I think that each time we have stopped and started seeing each other we have missed an important step. We have never really dated. We seem to deal in all or nothing, practically living together or not speaking at all. I realize that I am the main reason for that, I placed a lot of demands on you early on, but his is important to me and it would mean a lot.

So, can we move back a step? Can we slow down and just date for a while?

I'm frustrating myself trying to find a way to explain what I mean and I don't want to set up a bunch of rules and guidelines here. Simply put, I want to go out with you sometimes. Nothing fancy... a walk on a sunny afternoon, a meal, a movie, a drive to the mountains, whatever. Even just playing your video games for an hour or two or listening to your radio shows by the fire sometimes. (And, by the way, my biggest unrealized dream is to be given flowers for no reason at all... hint, hint!) I want it to not be assumed that you will come over every day or that you will sleep over every night. I want us both to be able to say "no, not tonight" sometimes and not have it turn into some big deal. I want to have fun with you for a while and not get into all of that emotional stuff that comes with a deeper relationship yet.

I like the way things have been between us this time and I feel silly trying to fix something that really isn't broken. When I emailed you (for sex!) in October, I honestly didn't expect this all to start up again. I'm glad that it has and I like having you in my life but things are moving too fast again. And (roll your eyes if you must) I feel that I need to back up a bit before I go forward."

But this is all probably never going to be said, after all the sniffing and snotting. A little PMS emotion going on here lately. And maybe he didn't call today because he was put out by the whole 'you rejected me so now I'm going to reject you' weirdness last night. Or maybe he just had a rough day. Either way, it's okay. I'll get my feeling across somehow. I don't need to send him a big, long blubbering letter. I need to learn how to talk to him and let my feelings out instead of always, of course you can come over, of course you can stay all night. He's still dealing with the old me in a lot of ways and getting to know the new me will be a process. And maybe it will end and maybe it won't. I'm just not going to worry about that right now. I'm just going to enjoy myself and let the chips fall where they may.

Ow, my hand hurts! Ow, I should be asleep like four fricken hours ago!!