Okay. Here's what I want. I want all of this to be done already. I want this fat to be a memory. I want to be living my new life - my enhanced life. The life where I row and run and dance and create and love. I want a big dick inside me. I want a man to cherish me, to realize what a beautiful person I am, inside & out.

God, I saw another fat picture of me today. How is that possible? How did I get so big? It made me doubt the road I am on. It's such a long road. Do I have the strength? Do I have the will? What will become of me?

The future is so unclear now. All of these absolutely endless possibilities. I want to do so much, make up for so much lost time. But where will I settle? It's so much easier to sit on the couch and eat and hate myself. This is so much more work! I know it's the change that is the work, though. The forming of new habits to replace the old ones. And, as for men, well, maybe someday my disdain will fade. I would love to find a fuck buddy in the mean time but I know that's only asking for trouble. But I just can't enjoy my plastic these days. I need some new porn!!