Got my hair done today - 3 inches off and dark. Very cute! I like it. Had kind of a fat day today. Maybe that burger didn't help. You know it might have just been my body rejecting crap. I've been treating it okay lately food wise. Better, anyway! I've been waiting for a crash all week. When does this paranoia stop? Probably never. But maybe it's a good thing. I need to be aware because when I start slipping, I try to figure out why and fix it. Not enough exercise, junk food, no sleep.

Another thing that struck me as odd this week is my 'self talk'. I guess that's partly why I thought I was heading for a crash. I was at the gym and I pay no attention to boys anymore. People in general but not boys. Anyway, I was at the gym and this guy walked into my line of vision and I smiled. And then I thought why would he want the fat girl to smile at him. Where the hell did that come from? I guess it's still in there to a certain extent. And I was at the grocery store and this cute guy smiled at me and I stopped and wondered why. Why? Why the hell not? It wasn't a marriage proposal. It wasn't even boy-girl most likely. He just smiled. If he was a woman or an elderly man I wouldn't think twice about it. Of course, then maybe I thought he thinks I'm cute - which I am! And then I thought that's something that I will have to get used to as I lose weight. Automatically that will happen more. I've always had trouble with that and that is such a self-esteem issue. And, Bev, not every guy that smiles at you needs to be an imagined relationship if he's cute - nor a rapist if he's weird. Just smile back and move on. It will definitely take some retraining.

Brian of Canada Post fame was hitting on me today. I know he likes me but no. That's something else. How do you deal with that other than running? And, also, I thought he's a 4 so that means that he thinks I'm a 4 or 5 at most. But I want to be an 8. And I want an 8 or a 9.

But whatever. That's not even close to being on the horizon yet. I'm enjoying me and I'm making some serious headway on getting to be the me that I want to be so I'm gonna stay on this road for a while longer.

(And, Beverly, Fabian is not going to email you so, please, just let it go already!!)



Um, yeah, guess who the email was from? Mutherfuker! Never fails, never fails. So, okay, Bev, it's okay to be friends. Just friends. No crush. No fuck buddy. Good to know that you are alive and doing well kinda friends, right?

But why can't I give up and go to bed?

I know I don't want to start this up again. Nothing will be different. Don't think about the sex in the good ole days. Think about the baggage, the emotional... emotional what? Non-existence! He's just horny and probably lonely but that's his doing, not mine.

Yep, he just asked if I'm horny. Well, hell yes but he doesn't need to know that! Sonofabitch! I AM NOT A HOLE! Review the list NOW!

Yeah, I raised my standards. I am worthy. I am beautiful and gosh darn it, people like me! Thank you Guy Smiley!! I feel a little better now. I can be strong. I don't want him that way anymore. Now, repeat... 10 thousand times!!

Okay, I think I'm out of the danger zone. I think I rather pissed him off but I'm just going to have to live with that. I am not a hole and I never will be one again!!!!

Now I just have to live with it.