I broke up with Fabian again today. It feels like I broke up with him every day this week. Like everyday I have to go through the whole process again. The whys and the your better offs. And I know I'm better off. Without a doubt. So why the hell does his name still run through my mind every time I check my email or my caller id? How does it stop - when does it stop?? Muther fucker! Guess I'll stop and read my pros and cons that I wrote a few weeks ago again. Hang on!

That's a little better. What the hell did I see in that guy, anyway? Sex. Yep. I'm a slut. It wasn't until that went away that I could let go.

God, I am so anti-man these days. I feel myself slipping into depression here and there. I'm fighting it. With everything I have, I'm fighting. But a couple of times today I just wanted to burst out crying. But shut the fuck up and let it go works somewhat these days. Have I already written all of this? I'm deja vu-ing!

So, I can't sleep. I'm so tired. Maybe I took my pill too late. It was 6:30pm but I'm so on the edge that I was afraid to skip it. I'll take a sleepless night if it means avoiding a day or two in my own personal hell. No problem.

I noticed that on September 9 I was 207 pounds. Here is October 5 and I'm 203. What the heck? I'm still ahead of schedule in the long run. August and September are done and that should be 16 pounds (2 per week) and I'm down 17. Shouldn't complain then, hey? I really slowed down when I started back at the gym. It was about 3 weeks before I lost a pound. Building muscle, I guess. Of course, I had really stopped eating there for a while. As soon as I started - and felt so guilty for eating crap - I started losing weight again. Which is proof that you have to eat to lose weight. Look how much I ate on Jenny Craig. But who has time, man? The shopping, the preparing. I'm trying to have a life here, if you don't mind!

I also wrote in that first red pen entry that I was feeling quite lonely. Well, I sure beat that. These days I have trouble fitting it all in! Guitar lessons started last week, doing an accounting course at BCIT, half done puzzle on the table for weeks, movies, concerts (GBS last week, Sting this week), going to Stacey's or Julie's or Gayleen's. It's good. GOOD!

Who's cryin' baby? And Fabe WHO???