Hello me! Nothing in particular to say tonight. Things are going well. A little behind in my work but what else is new? Ah, the irony of "Accountable Bookkeeping"! That's mean though. I'm doing the best that I can. Well - almost. I'm working on doing for me right now, too. I am finally starting to get it through my head that I can't be everything to everyone. I don't stress about it (most of the time) and when I do, I'm able to let it go. (Thank you Wellbutrin!!) Ah, the pleasure of being able to let things go. Who know? I mean seriously. Obviously I knew that I obsessed a bit much but hey, personality trait, right? Everyone does it, right? It honestly never crossed my mind that it might be due to a chemical imbalance in my brain. Yeah, the depression, once the idea was presented to me, made so much sense. They crying, the mood swings, the sickness that I knew wasn't sickness. I would make myself sick and truly believe that I was sick and I was doing it to justify staying in bed. Well, I can't get out of bed, I feel like crap, I can't navigate through the day, I can't think, I would be totally numb. The sad part is that it was normal. Normal for me, true, but I'm the only one that I could compare me to and it wasn't new. It was worse sometimes than others but it was always there on some level. And it was easy to find something to blame it on. It was only when I realized that at 30 I was still going through my teenage angst that I even suspected it could be me. But the obsessiveness I really thought was who I am. And look at me now! I have not once checked to see if Fabian has renewed his personals ad or updated his MSN profile. Before, I couldn't not check. It was a compulsion. Maybe that's a better word than obsessive. I would get something on my mind and it would not go away. Food. Ah, that's why I've been over 200 pounds for the past 10 years! Of course! And here I am now, I have chips and chocolate in the cupboard and I'm not eating it because I am not hungry. Ha! What a concept. Needing to be hungry to eat.

Oh, thank you Wellbutrin, oh thank you Dr. Gray, even thank you shithead Pabani. I was always this person. Sometimes. A little bit. This is the person that I would see peeking out on those occasions that I would be determined to make a change. To eat better, to exercise. I like this person so much better. Chemically enhanced!!! =)