Email Between Robyn and Me
From me:
Hi! I hope I didn't embarrass you or any thing with that cleavage comment the other day (it's sometimes hard to read tone in the written word!). But, if it did bother you, please feel free to delete it... no worries! I really meant it, though - you look great!
So, I will either make it worse, better or make no difference at all but I want to tell you how much I respect and applaud you for being true to yourself. It's not just what is on the outside... it's being strong enough to show others who you are on the inside (something that I have struggled with a lot myself lately), especially when some find it difficult to understand.
I'm sure you have faced a lot of obstacles over the years but, even on your most difficult days, I hope you know that you are inspiring others and giving them support to be true to themselves as well.
And I think that's pretty fuckin' awesome!
I think you are pretty fuckin' awesome!!
I hope you think so, too!
Take care,
Bev
From Robyn:
Hi Bev,
Not at all, I thought it was a cute comment...I know you well enough to know you were joking...I've always liked your sense of humour. And there's nothing to make worse, but your email did brighten my day as one of the sweetest things anyone has said to me in a very long time.
As for obstacles, I think I was my own biggest obstacle. It's amazing that the world was so much more understanding and accepting of me than I was of myself. It's one of those things where you worry about losing friends / family / career but at the end of the day, I was very lucky and didn't lose any of those. Wishes can come true...I remember looking in the mirror one day in university and saying that I couldn't do it anymore and made the only really true wish in my life..."that I just wanted to be an average girl", nothing more. Believe it or not, that one wish came true. Tried again for a million dollars...didn't work (joke).
Besides, it's easy these days because most don't know my history....except on Facebook where past meets present...scary thought which almost keeps me away but people have been perfectly behaved, that I am aware of anyway.
I really cannot see you struggling to show people who you are on the inside. In my mind, you have always been outspoken and very confident of exactly who you are.....and funny too. Just remember to be true to yourself on the inside because at the end of the day, you have to live with yourself more than anyone else.
Thanks again for your very kind email.
Take care,
Robyn
And "I think you are pretty fuckin' awesome too!!"
My reply (but I don't think I will send it):
You know what's really funny... when I read what you said about seeing me as outspoken and confident, I realized my biggest obstacle was me, too... I seemed to be the only one who didn't see that person. I was so quick to see the best in others but I could not find a way to see it in me.
By the time I hit my teens, my life was already a struggle that I could barely manage but I was able to keep it from most people... I felt like everything I did/said/felt was wrong, I hated myself so much and I didn't believe that anyone could, would or should care for me. And I felt so little for myself - I also didn't want anyone to see this side of me because then they would know how wrong they were about me - so I spent a lot of time alone and pushed everything and everyone away.
I was constantly in or recovering from crisis after crisis and each crisis made me believe the bad stuff about myself just a little more. Then, when I found myself on the floor with a bottle of pain killers in my hand a few years ago, I knew that I either had to go through with it or figure out where all this pain was coming from... so I went into therapy and was diagnosed with clinical depression. I guess that was my one wish come true - answers!
Anyway, I have done some pretty intense work on myself over the past few years. The medication made a huge difference but it was still tough to accept the person that everyone else saw after all those years of self hatred. Now I have accepted her, kinda like her a lot actually... the task at this point is learning to be her... learning to be me. I still struggle with insecurities and letting people see them (which is why I have been composing this email for almost a week, I guess!) but it's getting easier.
It's weird, isn't it... you just don't know what kind of struggles people go through... behind closed doors, as they say. You let your inside come out and I let my outside come in. And, I have to say, I'm pretty damn proud of the both of us!!!
I'm glad we had this little chat! ;-)
Bev xxx
*** I sent this almost one week later.
From Robyn:
Hi Bev,
Apologies for the delay in responding. I got your message when I got back in London this week but Facebook is blocked from the office here because it was the most popular website for a while! As I'm a little homeless at present in London, I never got to Facebook until today.
I do admit to sitting, reading your message in amazement, several times. I really, really commend you for being so strong. I also thank you so much for sharing that with me when you didn't have to.
Obviously you've had a tough time but the important part is that you dealt with it and are that much better for it. There are certain things that get worse with time unless you do something about it...even when it would be so much more convenient to tuck them away and try forget them...which you never can. I'm really happy that you got the help you needed. It's interesting that people have to come to a breaking point before they actually do something...at least for me it would have been much easier to do something at the very beginning. Hindsight is 20 / 20 though.
Please don't ever be insecure about yourself. From when I knew you way back when, you were someone that I was jealous of in many ways. I, along with everyone else, saw you as a 'fun, popular, girl with a sense of humour strong enough to get you through anything'. I hope that sense of humour has helped your down the path. Regardless of what you thought of yourself, you left a very positive and lasting impression on me and many others.
I guess we both did a pretty good job lying to each other in high school about our true feelings!!
It would be really great to get together for a chat if we are ever in the same city. Thanks again so much for sharing with me.
Take care,
Robyn xox
