Am I going to cry all day? 37 today... it's been a long year... one that I would really, really like to classify as highly successful and I am confident that one day I will look back at this time and know it was a wonderful thing that I did for myself but today? Is hard.
Birthday calls... fond wishes from family and friends... no, I still don't have a job... nope, no man yet... no money, still fat, stressed to the max... but put on a happy face and say the same thing over and over and over... maybe I'll unplug the phone.
And, yet, I am so lucky. So many people care about me, support me... more than I ever realized. All I had to do was open myself up to it. I feel like a terrible disappointment. Fuck. Every time I start to build myself up and think of the good, the bad smacks me in the fucking face. But these days I say to myself: it's okay, let it out, no one expects you to be half as perfect as you do, small doses of emotion are so much healthier than the extreme outbursts of days gone by.
Sigh. Chin up, Bevie, chin up. Next year you will read this with a smile, knowing that everything worked out for the best. (I hope!!!!)
