I will. I will be wrong as many times as it takes for me to be right. I will lose this tire around my heart and I will show me. I just have to. I'm sitting here wondering what I've done wrong, should I ask Rob for feedback, ask Fabe what he thinks. And it occurred to me that maybe that could be why I can't find anyone. I keep asking other people's opinion on who they think I should be. How would you rather I act? Okay, I will change then. But that didn't help things work out - quite possibly the opposite because I would try to be something I'm not. And the next guy would come along and not want me because of how the first guy told me to be. And all I'm hearing is you're wrong. You can't do anything right. Forget them. Be yourself... eventually someone will see it, appreciate it, want it. What a fucking curse. Being too nice. Is it that people think I act too nice so I must be faking it?
Muther father, dude... how funny is it that I think that men don't want to be with me because I'm too good, too wonderful... they just can't handle it. Hahaha... holy shit, that is funny. Where the fuck did you come from, girlfriend! Go get me a chocolate bar! Sweet.
Yes, I will get rid of this gut. I don't like it. I don't want it. I have been so certain my whole life that the reason guys didn't like me was because I was too fat. Wouldn't it be hilarious if I lost all the weight and it turned out that, after all of this pain and frustration and mental exhaustion of looking under every single stone and uncovering every scar, wouldn't it be hilarious if the reason guys didn't like me was actually because I am too fat? That would be pretty ironic. It's a theory that I am fairly certain I am going to test. I figure it's one of those win-wins... I deserve the right guy and if he's looking for someone smaller - not skinny or thin... just fit and real - I will find him. And, even if I'm wrong, at least I will look good in a pair of jeans.
