I went over to Ian's tonight! I sent him an email asking when I can pick up my camera and if I could take Daisy for a walk sometime on the weekend. He can come, too, I said. =) He emailed me right back and told me to come over. And I did.
I can't believe that this is what love is like. I was sitting here this evening and I thought - is this right? Do people really feel like this? Am I stoned?? And then I laughed. Do you know why I left him? I could never pin point the moment but I knew there was a moment. It was the day that I was so happy, so so happy... I (there are tears streaming down my cheeks, by the way) I stopped and thought 'it must be because we are stoned all of the time; I probably should stop smoking pot and get over it.' One would think that I should have been happy that I was happy. Or realized that I was lucky to have him. Or realized that I loved him. Or that I was content. Or that it was okay to be happy, it was okay to love him and it was okay to let him love me. No. Don't be silly. I convinced myself that it was all a farce and I ran away. Silly girl.
Anywho, I had fun tonight. Daisy is sofa king gorgeous it kills me. I don't think you can really grasp how beautiful she is. Best dog EVER! Her name should be Chester!! (Reference: 'The Kid' movie) And, you know what? There's just something about him, too, and I think that we should be together. I love him. I love him. I am going to fight for him. I am going to win him. Enough of that 'he has to win me' crap. If that's what I have to do, I am going to win him. I am not going to be fake, I am going to be my genuine self and he will love me again, too. Or he will not. But I really feel that I need to do this.
Her tooth brush was there. And she mowed the lawn. And I know that I will either get him back or I will get over him and find someone else. I am truly going to allow myself to love him. I am not going to stalk him but I am going to spend time with him. I want him to get to know me. I think he saw this person long before I acknowledged the possibility. I think he should be allowed to make an informed decision. And I think that I need to trust that I will know when to leave. I need to learn to read clues but not take every little thing as a clue. I need to not look for him to want me to leave. No matter what else, he likes to spend time with me. And I like to spend time with him. And I love him. I really do.
Oh, Anne Murray. Sorry, I forgot. I started to say that I was sitting here wondering if people actually feel this way or am I just stoned (haha!). Anne Murray was on tv when I was at Ian's and I was singing and remembering. Daddy's little girl memory. They are the best kind. Anyway, I put on my Anne Murray cd when I got home and she's talking about loving some guy and it's a healthy love and she sings about him being there in some songs and not being there in others but in every song she loves him and is baring her soul. And mine.
